Tag Archives: higher-drive spouse

Q&A with J: “He Wants It Every Night…Several Times”

Today’s question is a doozy. It’s from a wife whose husband is rather insistent about his especially high sex drive:

What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making? My husband has a very high sex drive. He wants it every night and would like it several times a night not just once. We have been married almost 40 years. I [used] to enjoy sex but in the last 10 years I have found it impossible to become aroused. We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions. I try to keep him happy. I spoke with my Doctor but he didn’t have any suggestions as to why this happened. I am beginning to feel used because my husband doesn’t seem to care as long as his needs are met and on his days off hounds me for sex all day long even if we had sex the night before. If I give in, he then starts in a couple of hours later wanting sex again. It seems the more sex he has the more he wants. I am at the end of my rope. I want him to be happy but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Q&A with J: "He Wants Sex Every Night...Several Times"

Honestly, my first reaction was: Of course, you’re not aroused during lovemaking! You’re exhausted, honey. And he’s not considering your needs and desires.

Upon further thought, my second reaction was the same. But let’s break this down further. Because that thought — true as it may be — doesn’t lead to solutions.

His extra-high sex drive. One of the tough things when you’re dealing with an issue that feels off in your sexual intimacy is knowing what’s normal. You think to yourself, Is this how it should be? If you get your information from media (please, don’t), you’d think that everyone is either having sex constantly or that they experience a complete death of their sex lives upon saying “I do.” Neither of those scenarios is anywhere close to true. But you’re hardly going to take up your own research study and ask around about everyone else’s sex lives until you have a statistically significant sample and then draw conclusions about what’s healthy and normal.

But I’d read a lot on this subject, so let me assure you that a husband at his age who expects several times a day is atypical. Yes, men can continue with high libidos well into their elder years. But by this time, the desire is not usually as frequent and urgent. I wouldn’t be asking simply why your body isn’t aroused, I’d want to know why his body is on overdrive. For instance, is he on testosterone supplements and needs his medication adjusted?

It may not have a physical/hormonal cause, but I’d sit down with my hubby and explain that, while I respect his desire for frequent sexual intimacy, several times a day is just more than you can handle and more than men of his age typically want. Ask why he thinks his sex drive is so strong, and talk about ways he can release some of that pent-up feeling that doesn’t involve more sex than your body can take. I’m not talking about masturbation, but rather physical activity or meditation or a hobby that gives him something to do. If you think there could be a physical component, ask him to see a doctor and request to go with him for support and understanding.

You’re his wife, not his sex service. You say, “I am beginning to feel used.” I immediately wondered why you’d only just begun to feel that way. It sounds like he’s treating you as his sex service, more than his wife. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage isn’t about either one of you being at the other’s beck-and-call. It isn’t about relieving pent-up stress with a “fix.” It isn’t about one person’s pleasure to the neglect of the other person’s pleasure.

While you have an obligation in marriage to have sex with each other (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you also have the right to set boundaries. I can’t remember who said this first, but that scripture has been explained something like this: Yes, your body belongs to him, but his body belongs to you. Thus, he might expect your body to be up for grabs one night, but you could turn around and say, “Fine, but your body will treat my body in this way.” Bluntly put, he has part ownership of your vagina, but you have part ownership of his penis. He doesn’t get free rein with his body parts to subjugate your body parts.

Now I believe that if he only wanted a physical release, he knows he could take care of that on his own. He does want you, because he’s not simply pursuing sex, but sex with you. However, he may think that you’re not supposed to be as into this as he is, and thus it’s okay to treat your body the way he’s treating you. And it’s just not okay.

I hope you’ve explained calmly but firmly how his constant advances make you feel. If not, sit him down and talk about the kind of intimacy you desire for your marriage. Talk about that verse in the Bible and what it should mean in your marriage. Open up the Song of Songs and read together — seeing how mutual the sexual pleasure was for this married couple.

If he responds, great! If he doesn’t get it, set some boundaries. You don’t have to say yes every single time he proposes sex. And you can make suggestions back to him, like “I need time to mentally and physically prepare” or “Can we reschedule until the morning when I’m feeling better?” If he starts treating you like your his personal love doll, you can stop things right there and say, “I want to cooperate and enjoy this, but you have to respect me as a person and how I feel.” Be aware that when you set boundaries with someone, you will likely get some pushback — because you’re changing how things work — but if you can calmly stick with it, you can get the point across over time and alter the pattern of behavior.

Your arousal and satisfaction matters.Twice you said how you want him to be happy, and that’s great. Oftentimes that’s where we need to start with improving our sexual intimacy — a desire to give our spouse delight. But sex in marriage isn’t about one spouse being happy. God intended sexual intimacy to be a mutually satisfying experience.

You say: “We still have sex even though he knows I get nothing out of it. I am just going through the motions.” And your initial question was: “What do you recommend for wives who do not become aroused during love making?” I recommend you speak up and ask for what you need in the marital bedroom.

You say that you used to enjoy sex, so you know what arousal and enjoyment feel like. But you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling because your arousal and enjoyment has not been prioritized in your marriage. Your husband obviously has no problem requesting (again and again) for what he wants in the bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with you advocating for your sexual pleasure.

Want examples?

“Honey, I’m open to making love tonight, but I cannot just go through the motions. I want to feel pleasure in your arms. I need you to slow down tonight and help me feel truly aroused before we begin intercourse.”

“I remember enjoying sex so much in the past, and I want to enjoy it again with you. Can we please work on helping me climax? I think that would increase my enjoyment a lot.”

“I want you to be happy with our sex life together, but I’m not happy with the lack of pleasure I feel. I need your help to get my body back in the game. I promise we can make love later, but for now, can we focus on what makes my body aroused enough to crave sex with you?”

You should also feel free to speak up in the moment with comments on what feels good, where you’d prefer he move his hand, what sexual position you’d like to try, etc. Take charge sometimes so you can learn what you like and he can see that you’re trying to get involved but you won’t settle anymore for sex not feeling good.

Get your own body checked out. Usually, I start with this one. But given your story, I think the more likely cause of your lack of sexual responsiveness is the dynamics in your marriage. However, it’s worth asking your doctor again if everything’s going the way it should. We ladies can have issues as we age, especially with dryness. Make sure your hormones are balanced and your vaginal walls are secreting properly. If your doctor waves it aside, be a little more insistent. Tell him this is causing issues in your marriage, and you want to know without a doubt that everything is fully functional.

As you can see, a lot of what I say here equates to being your own advocate. I believe God intended you to have a beautiful experience in the bedroom as well. While we should absolutely serve one another in our marriage beds, sometimes the balance shifts so drastically, the neglected spouse needs to speak up. I think that’s where you are in your marriage, and I pray that you find the godly wisdom, the right words, and the loving actions needed to make healthy changes in your sexual intimacy.

Q&A with J: Waking Up to His (Forceful) Advances

Today’s question is from a newlywed wife who is struggling with how sexual intimacy has gone thus far in her marriage. Her husband has an extremely high drive, but it’s the way he makes his advances that seems to be the biggest issue at the moment. Read on.

We both waited until marriage to have sex — which made it for somewhat of a painful honeymoon, since my husband was under the assumption we’d have sex every day for 2 weeks. It wasn’t the best way to start out a marriage, given the frustrations and lack of understanding.

My husband is the super-high drive spouse whose love language is physical touch; whereas I am the low drive spouse who feels appreciated and loved through words of affirmation and quality time…

A majority of mornings I wake up to my husband trying to put his thing in between my legs and get in my vagina from behind. It hurts. A lot. And is such an unpleasant way to wake up, especially for someone who is not a morning person. I can’t count the number of times I’ve explained this to him. He just doesn’t seem to listen or care. I understand that men have high levels of testosterone levels in the morning and can wake up aroused, but shouldn’t a husband be respectful of his wife’s body? I don’t climb on top of him in the middle of the night while he is sleeping and start riding him when I want to have sex. Perhaps I should?

I am very mindful that denying my husband of sex can be extremely detrimental to our marriage. If I don’t engage in sex at his desire, it quickly leads to resentment, emotional distance and eventually hurtful words. There are plenty of times in the morning when he tries to come from behind and I’ll ask him if he could enter from the front because it’s less painful. But even that makes me cringe and do everything in my power to not cry and feel as though I’m being raped, as he thrusts full force in and out… all the while I’m trying to figure out how I am going to make it out the door in time to get to work.

A few months ago we sought counsel from our pre-marriage counselors. As well, I have looked into possibly seeking a MFT counselor with the way things are going. However, I would be grateful for any advice, wisdom or recommended resources that you’d be able to share to get over this hurdle!

Q&A with J: Waking Up to His (Forceful) Advances

I’ve been called a frank woman at times. I’m going to now live up to that reputation.

OF COURSE THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! Yes, he should respect your body. You are not his sex receptacle, you’re his wife! And you also get say in how your sexual intimacy looks and feels. This husband probably has no idea what he’s doing, but honestly I just want to smack him upside the head, jiggle something loose, and hope that sense enters his over-driven brain. Because noooo! Just no.

Okay, I got that out, so now I’m going to calmly go through the issues I see in this question.

Dealing with his high-drive. I’ve written before that, at the moment, I’m the higher-drive spouse in my marriage. I understand how intense and urgent sexual desire can feel, but it is not imperative that a spouse immediately fulfill that longing. Even if you compare it to something life-giving like food or water, we all know that we can skip a meal or stay thirsty for a bit without damage.

Higher-drive spouses absolutely need to be appreciated, validated, and sexually satisfied in their marriages. However, their drive doesn’t give them license to force or pressure their spouse into sexual activity. Sex as God designed should be a mutually engaging experience.

So that means that a lower-drive spouse may need to work a bit harder to make sexual intimacy a priority, prepare themselves mentally and physically for sex, and choose to engage and even let the pleasurable sensations follow that decision (and not vice versa). But a higher-drive husband has responsibilities as well — namely to treat his lower-drive mate with great care.

From a practical standpoint, I suggest you talk to your husband about frequency of sexual intimacy and how you want to participate more in the experience. Let him know that you want to prioritize sex, but you need input on what that looks like. Sometimes it helps to schedule sex, so that a higher-drive spouse can relax knowing it’s right around the corner and the lower-drive spouse can have a heads-up to prepare their mind and body.

Denying sex once isn’t “depriving” your spouse of sex. I am pleased this wife understands the importance of not shutting off her body to her husband: “I am very mindful that denying my husband of sex can be extremely detrimental to our marriage.” However, I do not buy the line of reasoning that says you can never say no to your spouse when it comes to the marriage bed.

I think many Christians have had 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 used like a cattle brand, searing its harshest interpretation into our brains. The passage says:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Okay, so we can’t deprive each other. But what does that mean? If I miss a meal, am I literally deprived of food? I don’t think so. I just have to wait. Now if I can’t eat for days, we have a genuine problem. We have absolutely no biblical standing to refuse our spouses over and over the sexual intimacy God intended for them, and us, to have. (Also see Sheila Gregoire’s fabulous article on the meaning of this scripture.)

However, there can be good reasons to delay sexual intimacy, like recovering from a health issue or needing that time to take care of something more urgent (family care?). Notice that I said delay and not deprive. If you say no, which is one option to a spouse’s advances, then be willing to suggest another time. I’ve referred to that as rain check sex. Then, you’re not saying no; you’re saying not now.

It is just fine to say to your husband, “Not this morning,” when he tries to put “his thing” in between your legs and get in. That is not denial. It is requesting greater respect than he’s showing. Because your body is both yours and his, but his body is both his and yours. Right now, he’s acting like both bodies are his possession. And that doesn’t reflect what the Bible says about marriage and intimacy.

Sex is becoming (or has become) a bad experience for you. From your email, I glean that your husband is not giving your feelings and opinions sufficient weight. In fact, his actions are making something God intended to be beautiful and connecting into a harsh and divisive act. You have to speak up about this!

Sweetheart, God wants you to enjoy the sexual experience. He created sex for you too. And having a penis shoved into you with no warning and no lubrication flat out hurts. He may have had erroneous assumptions prior to marriage about sexual frequency, but he apparently also has erroneous assumptions about how your body and his body work together. If he doesn’t know, someone has to teach him — and that someone is you.

Away from the bedroom, talk to him about how your body works and what would help you get in the mood. Explain honestly that he is hurting your body and your heart. He likely doesn’t understand the full consequences of what he’s doing. Indeed, he may have received bad teaching that wives aren’t supposed to ever deprive their husbands but you can’t expect them to enjoy it as much and sex is clearly for the husband. Au contraire! If you read Song of Songs together, you’ll see how mutual the marriage bed can and should be.

Tell him you must have foreplay and lubrication before he can enter. Period. I don’t think that’s negotiable, because without it you’ll likely experience pain, soreness, even abrasions and a greater tendency for infections. Explain that you want to learn to enjoy intercourse with him and you both need time to explore what that looks like. Ask or show him what you would like.

For most husbands, once he experiences how he can use his hands and his body to turn you on, he will experience pleasure that will encourage him to continue that practice. Many husbands report that seeing their wives in ecstasy, especially an orgasm, makes them feel terrific. Your man can be incredibly potent in the bedroom by paying attention to your needs and fulfilling your sexual desires.

Seeing a counselor. If this isn’t resolved quickly, yes, you should see a counselor. Find a Christian counselor who will listen to your concerns. If your husband will go with you, that would be best. If he won’t, go alone and get ideas that will nurture your marriage and resolve the sexual intimacy problems.

Respecting yourself. You asked whether a husband should respect his wife’s body. Yes. But you should respect your own body as well. Embrace that you are more than a tool to meet a man’s sexual needs — you are rather the beautiful wife of your Christian husband who wants to engage in sexual intimacy that provides pleasure and deeper meaning to your relationship.

In moments you’re not sure about your choices, try to consider how God would view what’s happening. Would He approve of a spouse shutting down and refusing their spouse sex all the time? Of course not. But would He condone a husband thrusting himself into his unprepared and weeping wife? Of course not.

You absolutely have a responsibility to pursue sexual intimacy with your husband. But you needn’t ignore your worth before God to do it. Speak up and advocate for the long-term health your marriage. You two need to address this problem, because your sex life does not currently reflect all that God longs for you to have in your marriage.

God can redeem any situation, and your sexual intimacy is just waiting for His redemption.

Q&A with J: How Do I Get Her On Board to Improve Our Intimacy?

Today’s question is from a frustrated husband, and I bet he’s not the only guy out there dealing with a situation like this.

My wife is kind of an inanimate object when it comes to our sexual growth. If I bring something new into our intimate lives she is generally okay with it and is often enthusiastic and supportive. But if I’m not driving that train, nothing happens. If I don’t initiate a hug or a kiss, they don’t happen. If I don’t initiate sex, it would likely not occur. . .

After 20+ years of marriage I’ve arrived to a point where our intimate life really needs to improve. Like a typical male I took it on like any other project — read, read, read, research, research, research. Then we’ve been talking — more than she would like, but for the pendulum to find balance I think it’s got to get pushed the opposite way from where it’s been. The trouble is, if I’m not constantly expending energy towards improvement, we fall back. . . 

How do I get her on board? I want to increase our knowledge and pleasure. I want us to grow closer. I want more intimacy in all aspects of our lives. What do I need to do to help her expend energy toward that goal?

Q&A with J: How Do I Get Her On Board to Improve Our Intimacy?

Just last week, I answered a husband who wanted to rekindle the flame in their marriage, and I made the point that we often think about what we want and don’t take the time to determine what our spouse wants that could improve our sexual intimacy. That could be an issue here too — with the husband talking up his own wants and not pursuing the underlying reasons why his wife isn’t interested or active in lovemaking.

But let me point out another disconnect I hear from husbands and wives. It goes something like this:

Hubby: “Why doesn’t she pursue me sexually?” 

Wife: “I don’t feel comfortable initiating.”

Hubby: “Why doesn’t she want to have sex?”

Wife: “I don’t get in the mood very often.”

Hubby: “If she enjoys what we’re doing, why wouldn’t she want it more?”

Wife: “I like it when we do, but I just don’t yearn for it.”

By the way, if you’re the higher-drive wife with a lower-drive husband, just flip-flop that conversation and it might ring true for you.

Many women face obstacles when it comes to getting excited about getting busy in the marital bedroom:

They don’t feel comfortable initiating. Plenty of us Christian gals in particular were raised to think being sexual assertive put you right in line with whores, porn stars, and that cat-in-heat that yowled all night long in that super-creepy way.  Wanting sex too much or initiating it seemed unladylike. Now we enter marriage, and suddenly our husbands want us to pounce like sex kittens (no connection to that cat), and it’s hard to switch that on all-of-a-sudden.

Other wives just don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to initiate. We might know how to flirt and give subtle hints, but that’s not the same as initiating sex. (Frankly, some wives tried subtle initiation and got nothing back from hubby — because many men don’t read subtle — so they gave up.) The whole idea of initiating sex simply feels awkward.

One option is to come up with clear and easy signals she can use to initiate. Get creative about ways she can give you the hint like:

  • Lighting a special candle
  • Wearing certain lingerie to bed
  • Uttering a code phrase only you two understand
  • Placing a piece of candy on your pillow
  • Drawing a heart on your bathroom mirror

That way, she’s initiating sexual intimacy without feeling like a sexual aggressor or wondering how to get her point across without feeling so uncomfortable.

They don’t feel “in the mood” much. We’ve been learning more and more about female sexual arousal, and it’s simply not the same as most men. Women tend to get in the mood after physical interaction begins. Meaning that many wives don’t believe they’re sexually inclined because they don’t feel an independent sex drive outside of the bedroom. But that may not be how her body works.

It may be easier for you to initiate, recognizing her body will get into it more once you start. Or you could let her know you’re willing to engage in embracing, kissing, and touching without a demand for sex to follow. This could give her what she needs to get going and free her up from the pressure she feels when you start to kiss her, and she knows you want to have sex, but she’s not there yet, so she tenses up . . . (Yeah, I know, we’re complicated creatures.)

The more we women engage in kissing and touching that doesn’t necessarily lead to sex, the more I think it leads to sex. Because we awaken the sexual part of ourselves by engaging in romance and affection, and initiation follows. Will it always get there? No! But I think this is a good practice to encourage overall sexual interest for your wife.

She likes it, but doesn’t yearn for it. Hey, she likes it, she likes it! I know that doesn’t feel like enough right now, but that’s good. As I mentioned before, she may not have this independent yearning for sex itself, but with good memories, you can build an atmosphere that celebrates your sexual love and encourages anticipation for future intimacy.

Play a bit of remember when from time to time, pulling her into a close embrace and reminding her of a specific memorable encounter. Ask what she enjoys and be sure to do that next time. After lovemaking, make sure you allot time for her to bask in a bit of afterglow. Tell her you appreciate her and compliment how she makes you feel.

Make every time the best time you can have, and make good memories she can reference. Even if she doesn’t feel some burning desire to make love, she can have pleasurable feelings about your sexual relationship as a whole and become more responsive over time.

Finally, I want to encourage you to not talk about it so much. I understand what you’re saying about things getting better because you’re intentionally pursuing answers. And that’s great, it really is. However, lower-drive wives often tense up when their higher-drive husbands bring up the subject of sex. Again and again.

It can feel like you’re complaining or saying she’s not enough or communicating you love her for the sex. It can become a wedge in your relationship if that seems to always be on your mind when she doesn’t value it as much as other aspects of the relationship.

Sometimes I’ve encouraged people to stop talking about sex to their spouse, because the subject has become so stressful, the other cannot hear what you’re saying. If you’re bringing up the subject, and it feels like she clams up, closes up, and clocks out, that’s a sure sign it’s just too much for her. Back off, pursue her in other ways — like romance and speaking her love language — and consider how to help her with her sexual responses.

Hopefully, she can grow into greater intimacy and sexual initiation in your marriage bed.

3 Things Higher-Drive Spouses Long For

You might think the three things higher-drive spouses long for are sex, sex, and sex. But while I’m certain higher-drive husbands and wives would like greater frequency of sexual intimacy in marriage, I truly believe they want more. So here are three other, very important things higher-drive spouses long for.

couple sitting on bed, facing away from each other + blog post title

1. Recognition that their sex drive isn’t bad. When you want physical intimacy a lot, and your spouse doesn’t, you can get the feeling your sex drive is a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s just a feeling you have that you want sex more than you want to want it. And other times, it’s expressed by your mate with statements like, “Stop being so selfish,” or questions like, “Why do you want sex all the time?” — usually accompanied by a haughty tone and a sneer.

Rather than embracing your libido, you start to feel less-than, in your eyes and/or your spouse’s. And that’s a horrible thing to feel about something that should be considered a gift from God.

What does the higher-drive spouse want? Recognition from their spouse that this sex drive isn’t bad. It’s not inherently selfish or evil or disgusting. A strong desire to make love with your covenant mate is a beautiful thing.

2. Understanding that sex isn’t just about sex. Sure, I know some people who are completely into the physical side of sex and don’t understand the deeper implications. But I hear from many, many more higher-drive spouses who want sex not simply for physical satisfaction, but because it makes them feel connected, loved, and intimate with their spouse. If it was only about physical release — being candid here — the higher-drive spouse could take care of things on their own.

Instead, that husband or wife seeking more sex doesn’t see their mate as a mere tool for achieving a goal. No way! For them, it isn’t just about sex — it’s about so much more. Even if words fail them and they seem to default to talking about the sex itself, if you could dig deep and tease out what’s really happening, sex is powerfully meaningful.

They want the physical pleasure, but they want the whole package — physical, recreational, emotional, spiritual. And more than anything, the higher drive spouse wants to feel the love of their mate.

3. Commitment to try. The mismatch in drives can be frustrating, but what really hurts is a mate unwilling to even try. It pains the heart of someone longing to show love in the bedroom to be rebuffed and refused constantly, with no hope in sight of anything ever changing. What would help a lot is a simple commitment to try — try to talk about it, try to see another point of view, try to get in the mood, try to change things up a little now and then, try enjoying yourself in bed.

Most higher-drive spouses don’t expect an immediate turnaround in their less-willing mate. While it would be great to come home one day and find their lover with bedroom eyes, little on their body, and rip-raring to go, that’s not their expectation or intent. Rather, they long for the lower-drive spouse to love them enough to try to understand and meet their needs — just as you should each be doing in other areas of marriage. The higher-drive spouse isn’t looking for a quick change, but rather a long-term commitment to invest in sexual intimacy.

If you’re the higher-drive spouse, do you long for these things? And what else? If you’re the lower-drive spouse, in what way do you struggle with the desires or expectations of your higher-drive mate?

Confessions of a Higher-Drive Spouse

I’m currently the higher-drive spouse, although we’ve flip-flopped in my marriage. For all I know, next year my husband could be chasing me through the house and suggesting more frequent romps.

But for the time being, we both know that my sex drive is higher than his.

I was thinking about how desiring sex more than your spouse affects your thinking and behavior. And I decided to share a little of what goes on in my head and heart, with the hope that lower-drive spouses out there might “get it” a little better.

So here I go!

Woman peeking out from bed + blog post title

Yes, I think about sex a lot. No, it’s not all I think about. I am fully capable of going minutes and even hours without once considering sex. (Albeit it’s especially hard for me, given what I do here . . . ) I dare say I could go 24 hours without once thinking about the fabulous, marvelous intimacy I have with my husband. But just because I could doesn’t mean I do.

Sex pops into my mind at various times and in various ways. Maybe it’s a memory of the last time we made love. Maybe it’s a stray thought about his body. Maybe it’s simply the vague sense that I want my husband intimately close to me. Most of these thoughts are just that — thoughts. They don’t go anywhere. Except they do provide a steady beat in the background from which the music of sexual intimacy later swells when my husband and I are able to engage in physical intimacy. What you dwell on in your mind is often where you set your heart.

Sometimes I can’t help it — I stare. One of my favorite times of the day is when my husband is dressing — or better yet, undressing. I’m even more attuned than I used to be to his attractiveness. No, it’s not that his body’s so great he’s getting callbacks to star in the next superhero movie; it’s that his body appeals to me in its familiarity, masculinity, and intimacy.

If I’m reading a book in bed, and he comes in and yanks off his shirt, I sometimes find myself peeking over the top of my book’s cover and admiring the view. Even more revealed gets even more admiration. And then I sometimes think, What. Am. I. Doing? Um, yeah, I’m staring. Sorry, I kinda can’t help it.

I want to touch him, like all the time. Affection ranks in the top two of my love languages. That said, I’m even more affectionate when my sex drive is on overdrive. And it might seem like my touches are about getting something started, but sometimes they aren’t. There’s a bit of genuine satisfaction in touching my husband with a long embrace, a soft kiss, or a snuggle on the couch.

From being on the other side of the sex drive fence, I know higher-drive spouses can seem overly touchy and needy. It’s easy to feel that brushing off their touches will halt the advance of their seemingly endless sex drive. But that’s not how I’m experiencing it from this side. Yes, intimate gestures of affection can awaken my desire, but they can also sate it a bit. As if these touches hold me over, so to speak.

Innuendo can strike at any time. Well, not any time. But when you’re really in the mood, a phrase can easily be read as a sexual advance or intimate wordplay. Now imagine you’re in the mood a lot. Yeah, my brain just goes there more often than when I was the lower-drive spouse.

And yes, I think some of my turns and twists of phrases are clever, even hilarious, and should be rewarded — like with sex. (Did you hear that, hubby?!) But logically, I know that even clever innuendo has the potential to become annoying. So it’s better to keep some of my amusing thoughts in my own head and release the ones I think my husband will appreciate.

When he initiates, I internally celebrate. I know some couples have one spouse who always, or almost always, initiates, but my husband and I are pretty balanced. Even so, given where my drive is at the moment, there is a bit of rejoicing that goes on inside me when he takes charge of getting things going. Perhaps it’s because I already know I want him, but having him show how much he wants me puts us on the same page.

It really isn’t enough for your spouse to schlep to the bedroom, drop their underpants, and oblige your urges. What a higher-drive spouse wants is to get their lover up to their own level of arousal and excitement. My goal isn’t merely to satisfy my own sexual desire, but to have my husband sharing that sexual desire for one another. And if he arrives with that “I want you” look in his eyes, I know we’re in sync. And it’s going to be a wonderful night.

So are you the higher-drive spouse? What “confessions” do you have to help spouses understand what’s going through your head and heart?