I can’t tell you the number of times a spouse has contacted me to explain a challenge they’re going through with sex in their marriage and asked for insight on what to do. I don’t feel worthy of how vulnerable and trusting people have been with their stories to me over the years. And I feel the burden of wanting to give them true wisdom that results in hope, breakthroughs, and deep intimacy with their beloved.

But as often as I’m able to answer readers’ questions, I also end up referring and deferring to others with one particular recommendation occurring over and over. What is that slice of advice?

See a Healthcare Provider.

It might be the spouse who writes me or the their mate who needs to see a healthcare provider, but this step is an important one. All too often, there’s a physiological component to sexual difficulties.

Any of the following can diminish or block sexual intimacy:

• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Low testosterone
• Hormonal imbalance
• Heart disease
• Stress
• Poor diet
• Diabetes
• Chronic Illness
• Depression or Anxiety

And there are treatment options to address all of them.

Treating the physiological issue might resolve the sexual difficulties in your marriage, or that aspect might be one of several issues. But even if it’s not the core or primary issue, it’s worth addressing those impediments to sexual interest, pleasure, and satisfaction. From a healthier place, you can then take on other challenges with greater energy and focus.

Make It a Habit.

When’s the last time you had a physical? Ideally, you should have regular visits with your primary care provider to screen for issues and discuss any concerns you have. What constitutes “regular visits”?

• If you’re in your 20s or 30s and healthy, get a physical at least every 3 years.
• If you’re in your 40s and healthy, get a physical every other year.
• If you’re over 50, get a physical every year.
• If you have a preexisting condition or need another issue tracked (e.g., contraception), see your doctor every six months.

Also, be sure to get screened for common problems. Unfortunately, I could tell you a few stories of folks who did not do this and ended up with symptomatic disease that couldn’t be treated nearly as well as if it had been caught early. What are those screenings?

Mental Health Too.

My current primary care provider does a depression/anxiety screening every time I visit. But not every healthcare provider assesses mental health. And mental health often has a physiological component.

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders typically involve your brain’s chemistry, and thus affect your sexual desire and experience. If your PCP doesn’t conduct regular screenings, ask for one and/or check out an online assessment, such as the PHQ-9 or SCAARED.

Be especially aware that past or current trauma can impact sexual interest. If you’ve had adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) or adult trauma, seek help.

Your First Step Isn’t the Last.

For some couples, discovering the physiological obstacles to regular and better sex is the key to sexual intimacy in marriage. But for many, it’s the first step. You may discover a physiological cause, but other factors influence your emotional and sexual health. And some may rule out physiological causes—meaning it’s time to consider other issues.

Regardless, seeing a healthcare provider likely isn’t the last step. Even if that’s the issue, you’ll be encouraged to follow up with treatment. Others need to seek additional reasons why sex isn’t happening as well as it should be in their marriage. That could be a long or a short trip, depending on your situation, but it’s worth embarking on the journey.

Many couples have sought help—medical or otherwise—and built beautiful intimacy in their marriage that both spouses desire, enjoy, and feel grateful to have.

Take that first step TODAY.

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

3 John 1:2 (ESV)

The post Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First. appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Mission drift, a term coined by Peter Greer and Chris Horst, describes when an entity strays from the clear and compelling mission it had at the beginning. Educational institutions, churches, charities, and ministries often start with one goal in mind and end up somewhere else altogether.

Marriages do the same.

In their book, Mission Drift: The Unspoken Crisis Facing Leaders, Charities, and Churches, Greer and Horst explained how entities that remain true to their mission have two important features: clarity and intentionality. Clarity is knowing what your mission is, and intentionality is taking concrete steps to maintain your focus on the mission. Let’s talk about that in the context of marriage and sexual intimacy.

What’s Your Mission?

What’s the point of marriage? God’s Word outlines several purposes, including:

• Procreation (Genesis 1:27–28, Psalm 127:3–5)
• Support (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12, Genesis 2:18, Ephesians 5:33)
• Intimacy (Genesis 2:24–25, Song of Songs 5:16, Song of Songs 6:3)
• Reflecting God’s relationship with us (Ephesians 5:31–32, Isaiah 62:4–5, Hosea 2:19, Revelation 19:7)

Within marriage, sex serves all the purposes named above, as well as providing pleasure (Song of Songs 1:2, 4:10, 5:1, Proverbs 5:18–19). At least, it should.

In addition, every relationship can and should challenge us to grow and become more like Christ, including the one with our spouse.

Is There Mission Drift in Your Marital Intimacy? "Every relationship can and should challenge us to grow and become more like Christ, including the one with our spouse." @hotholyhumorous
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Those are overall purposes, though. Different marriages have different callings. Maybe it’s time to think about how these general principles apply and what goals are specific to your marriage that together create your mission.

A couple of notes here:
1. While procreation is a core purpose of marriage as an institution, not all marriages will produce children. Too often, churches intentionally or unintentionally convey that you’ve failed God in some way if your marriage does not involve childrearing. That’s not biblical. Plenty of faithful followers don’t have children of their own yet pour into their communities in beautiful, God-honoring ways.
2. If you haven’t experienced pleasure as part of the sex in your marriage, you should make that a priority. You shouldn’t have sex while it’s still uncomfortable or even painful, but rather figure out the why and/or how and move toward the delights God intended for both husband and wife.

Many experts suggest that organizations adopt a mission statement. Here are a couple of examples I wrote on the fly:

We set these foundational principles for our marriage: honesty, communication, connection, kindness, respect, and agape love. We promise to return to these principles again and again in deciding how to engage with one another and with our children.

Many things, both bad and good, compete for our attention, so we commit to praying together daily, having a date once a week and sex twice a week, and attending a Christian couples’ event once a year. While health or other events may cause us to miss these commitments from time to time, we will return to our routines as soon as possible.

And here are some quality resources for writing a marriage mission statement:

• How to Create a Marriage Mission Statement — Symphony of Praise
• 7 Ideas For Writing Your Marriage Mission Statement – Light Filled Home
• What’s Your Marriage Mission as a Couple? – Marriage Missions International

Whether you write something down or not, you should have a shared sense of what your marriage is about. That’s the clarity piece that Greer and Horst talked about needing to avoid mission drift.

What’s Your Plan?

It’s not enough to know what you want to be or do. You also need to know how you’re going to get there.

How will you and your spouse keep your marriage a priority? How will you support one another, pursue intimacy, and reflect God’s relationship with us? How does your sexual intimacy play into those aspects of your union? And how will you focus on not just sex itself but intimacy in sex so that your physical connection stays within the mission of your marriage?

Without strategies in these areas, drift will happen. Demands, distractions, fatigue, and more will keep you from connecting like you used to, want to, or never got to experience. The clarity piece—a marital mission—isn’t enough. You need intentionality; that is, a plan, commitment, and follow-through.

You also need perseverance. James 1:4 says, “Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Of course that’s not about sex! Please go read that in context. But the principle remains that maturity can only happen when we keep at it until we see the results of our efforts.

Has Your Sex Life Drifted?

In the last few years, I’ve had personal health challenges, family-of-origin issues, and much more … to the point that my most recent therapist said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, that’s because this is a lot.” Gee, thanks. In the midst of these struggles, it’s been difficult to prioritize intimacy with my husband.

But you’ve had a lot on your plate too, haven’t you? Because, LIFE. It’s difficult, persistent, and disruptive. Even if you’re soaking up beautiful moments with young children or making a large impact through your work or ministry, that leaves less of you to engage in sexual intimacy with your spouse—or perhaps any intimacy with your spouse.

It’s not enough to show up and say, “Hey, I’m here. Let’s have sex!” Truly great sexual intimacy comes from truly great relationship intimacy.

Is There Mission Drift in Your Marital Intimacy? "Truly great sexual intimacy comes from truly great relationship intimacy." @hotholyhumorous
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Are you off mission?

Odds are that you answered yes—at least a bit. We struggle to juggle all the roles we play in life, and we let our Lover role hit the ground. We drift.

Is it Mission Impossible?

In the original Mission Impossible series, agents would be sent a recorded messages that said, “Your mission, should you choose to accept it…” followed by the spy mission from the government. The directives were within the realm of possibility or the agents would have never achieved them. But at first, they felt impossible.

Likewise, getting your marriage’s sex life back on track may appear beyond your grasp. And even if you pull yourselves back to your mission of intimacy, will you be able to sustain it?

Let me answer that latter question with “no.” That is, we’re always fighting mission drift. Our natural tendency is to neglect what’s important in the long-term and instead attend to what’s right in front of us. Such immediate concerns might also be important, such as caring for your child or finishing a work project, but others might be distractions or choices we’ve made to take on too much. But even if you do everything right, Life happens and tugs us off course. We need to be aware of that drift, periodically check in with our spouse, and take steps to course correct.

Which brings us to the first question of how to get back on track. If you’re both willing:

1. Talk with your spouse about what your marriage’s mission should be. What kind of intimacy would you like to have with your beloved?
2. Acknowledge where you’ve drifted off course. What has gotten you off track? (Don’t make this a blame game. Just throw out ideas and ask for your spouse’s input.)
3. Discuss what might help you have greater commitment and ability to prioritize marital intimacy, including sexual. What would motivate each of you?
4. Choose one action to begin bringing your reality in line with your mission. What small step could you take in the short-term that could make a long-term difference?
5. Set a time to come back together, evaluate how it went, and what adjustments you should make. In essence, how’s it going?
6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 until you feel a real shift in your sexual connection.
7. Feel free to repeat any of the other steps as needed!

But what if your spouse isn’t on board? In that case, do what you can, knowing that you don’t have control, but you do have influence. On your own, you could:

1. Consider what you’d like your marriage mission to be. What kind of intimacy would you like to have with your beloved?
2. Acknowledge where you personally have drifted off course. What has gotten you off track? (Don’t focus on your spouse’s part. Feel free to acknowledge their failures and take time to grieve them, but work on your own stuff.)
3. Ask what would help you have greater commitment and ability to prioritize not only the intimacy you seek but the intimacy that would be meaningful to your spouse. What would motivate you to have a closer connection? And what might motivate your mate?
4. Choose one action to begin bringing reality in line with your mission hopes. What small step could you take in the short-term that could make a long-term difference?
5. After a specified time, evaluate how it’s going. Have you seen progress? Did you set your sights too high? Are you finding ways to engage your mate more? What adjustments do you need to make?
6. Repeat steps 4 and 5 until you either sense a shift in your relationship or feel spent trying. But remember Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Change can take longer than we realize. That said, doing the same thing again and again and again without a positive result could keep you from pursuing something better for your relationship and/or yourself. Check in with God and other trusted sources to help you discern what’s best.

Hopefully, you can set a mission for your marriage, pursue it with fervor, and experience the blessings of fresh intimacy!

The post Is There Mission Drift in Your Marital Intimacy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I’ve addressed talking to your spouse about sex before (like here), but today I’m focusing on advice to wives who need to have a conversation with their husband.

Ladies, if you’ve been struggling with sexual intimacy but worry that bringing up the issue will be met with tension, dismissiveness, or conflict, here are ten tips that can help.

These tips are NOT for couples where abuse, betrayal, and trauma are happening. Rather, this is for the marriage where the spouses are good-willed but sexual intimacy is not what it should be.

1. Wait until you’re calm.

Right after he’s rejected you sexually, made an unfair demand, or said something hurtful, you’re emotionally charged and defensive. That’s the wrong time to talk. You need to approach the conversation with as much calm and control as you can muster.

Step away from the bedroom and approach him when your heart rate is relaxed, your nerves settled, and your mind focused.

2. Choose a conducive setting.

Likewise, the bedroom is usually the wrong place to talk. His or your emotional baggage might stored there, and you need a time and place where you both feel safe.

Choose neutral ground or a place that’s connected with good feelings for him—whether that’s your living room couch, a bench at the local park, or a fishing boat. Pick a time of day when neither of you feels exhausted or extra stressed. Set an atmosphere that’s likely to increase positive feelings and make you both feel relaxed.

3. Recognize that eye contact isn’t necessary.

If I were chatting with your husband, I’d tell him to try hard to look you in the eye, because most of us ladies feel a deeper connection when face-to-face. But men tend to bond shoulder-to-shoulder and often talk more easily during activities that don’t involve eye contact. It might be more comfortable for your husband to share while walking with you or sitting next to you side-by-side.

If it encourages him to open up, why not forgo a little eye contact? Help him feel comfortable with the experience.

4. Lessen tension with physical contact.

Just the simple act of holding hands while you talk can make the conversation less tense. Studies have shown that physical affection lowers stress by decreasing blood pressure, heart rate, and the stress hormone cortisol and also by releasing oxytocin, a chemical that makes us feel bonded. It’s also a reassuring gesture that you’re on the same side trying to work through a problem together.

So hold his hand, stroke his chest, arm, or thigh, or snuggle up close as you talk.

5. Pray before you begin.

For years, my marriage prayers sounded like this: “Lord, please change my husband, because he’s the one messing up our marriage.” Looking back, it’s no surprise this prayer didn’t get answered the way I wanted.

Later, I figured out the better approach: “Lord, please give me an attitude of patience, kindness, and respect and help me to have words of wisdom as I speak to my husband.”  THAT prayer gets answered.

When you know you’ve got a tough subject to address, like sex in your marriage, pray before you begin—asking God to give you the right mindset and the right words.

6. Ask questions, and listen to his answers.

I credit Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, for summarizing the principle well as “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Too often in marriage, we flip those around, talking a subject to death in hopes of making our husband understand where we’re coming from.

But do you care about his perspective? His feelings? His struggles? Whatever the problem between you, he likely has a reason for reacting the way he does, and discovering what’s going on underneath can help you both figure out where to go next. Ask questions and be willing to really listen to what he’s saying.

7. Avoid assumptions and conclusions.

Take time to clarify what you’re each saying, avoiding erroneous assumptions or conclusions. Some of the biggest disagreements in my marriage have come from one of us thinking we understood what the other was saying and reacting negatively, when that wasn’t what the other was saying at all.

We bring our own perspective and baggage to conversations, and—as much as possible—we need to set that down and do our best to understand what our beloved is truly thinking and feeling. And if you aren’t sure, extend grace. Your husband loved you enough to marry you and stay married to you, so give the benefit of the doubt that he wants what’s best for you and the marriage.

8. Deal with the issue at hand.

Oh, how tempting it is when we’re having a disagreement to drag out every last infraction and dangle it before our husbands. We also tend to make statements that involve always and never, such as “You never care about what I want!” Those approaches are nearly guaranteed to evoke wall-building from our husbands. After all, they’re being attacked, so why wouldn’t they erect a fortress to protect their hearts?

Instead, choose one area where you want to start improving your sexual intimacy and talk about that experience. If possible, simply deal with the last time something happened and solve that problem. Improved marriages are made of one problem solved at a time, until problem-by-problem you get on the same page and move toward great intimacy.

10 Tips for Talking to Your Husband About Sexual Intimacy: "Improved marriages are made of one problem solved at a time, until problem-by-problem you get on the same page and move toward great intimacy." @hotholyhumorous
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9. Agree to change something about yourself.

Even if your husband is to blame for 95% of the difficulties in your marital intimacy, you’ve got 5% resting on your shoulders. Own it.

Truthfully, we’re often more responsible than we think. Or we at least could do something to help our husbands out. Ask your husband what one step you could take that would mean so much to him. As long as it’s not against God’s will or your conscience, commit to doing it. And then follow through.

(Note: If you’re in an abusive or emotionally destructive marriage, it’s not about changing yourself to meet his needs or desires. Rather, it’s time to change the unhealthy dynamics. Get the help you need.)

10. Remember you’re on the same side.

When you’re in conflict, it looks like your husband is the enemy. But your husband’s struggle with porn, his misunderstandings about women and sexuality, his ongoing rejections, etc. are hurting him too. Your marital intimacy is under attack, and the way to win is to fight together.

You can certainly set boundaries, but make it clear that you are in your husband’s corner, wanting to be a united, one-flesh couple as you work through issues. It’s always easier to talk about our personal failings with someone we know has our back. Be his partner, his advocate, his champion.

11. Bonus: Use a good resource.

I’d be remiss not to mention that I have a resource that can walk couples through encouraging, important, and difficult conversations about sexual intimacy. If you haven’t checked out Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples, purchase your copy, download a sample, or check out the sample chapter on my site. Pillow Talk would also be a great gift for couples you know, including newlyweds.

And while this post is aimed at wives, several of these points apply to hubbies too! If you’re a husband looking for more tips on addressing sexual issues with your wife, be sure to follow not only follow this blog but also Knowing Her Sexually.

The post 10 Tips for Talking to Your Husband About Sexual Intimacy appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

But I’ve also engaged in Facebook conversations recently that included people challenging one another about information, healthcare, politics, etc. And I even privately messaged someone to ask them to reconsider the harshness of the memes they’re sharing. So I’ve been a challenger too.

All of this has made me think about how we respond when challenged. Most of us have a negative, visceral reaction to someone getting up in our grill, but what then? What if the person challenging us is our pastor? The marriage counselor? A well-meaning friend? Or our spouse?

Our Natural Response

Threats being a regular part of life, our bodies are well-equipped to deal with danger. You may have heard of the body’s reaction referred to as the stress response.

Imagine that you’re in the woods and a large, angry bear starts running toward you. That event would certainly trigger a stress response. Your pulse would quicken, the stress hormone cortisol would spike, blood would flow away from your extremities to your major organs, and you’d experience a burst of adrenaline. Your sight, hearing, and other senses would sharpen, and your lungs would take in more oxygen with deeper breathing. You don’t make any of that happen—it’s what your body automatically does.

In that state, you’re then faced with three typical reactions: flight, fight, or freeze. So when the bear is coming right at you, you either take off running (good choice); stand your ground and fight (good luck); or become paralyzed by fear (goodbye).

First, the bad news: We’ve learned that our brains don’t distinguish between the physical threat of a charging bear and the psychosocial threat of relational conflict. Both are calculated as threats that evoke a physiological stress response, as well as the flight-fight-freeze reactions.

The good news: We’re not bears but humans who, knowing our tendencies, can put ourselves on a healthier path. In fact, that’s what we often do with our training and socialization of children—teach them how to process what’s a threat and what isn’t, how to get help or self-soothe when needed, and how to respond properly in the face of various challenges.

But none of us does this perfectly. Most of us have a lot yet to learn or put into practice.

“Challenge” Defined

All of those natural responses happen in the face of a perceived threat. But is a personal challenge to what you think, say, or do a threat? Well, here are Merriam-Webster’s top definitions for challenge:

1 : to dispute especially as being unjust, invalid, or outmoded
2 a: to confront or defy boldly 
b: to call out to duel or combat
c: to invite into competition

Definition of Challenge by Merriam-Webster

Words like dispute, confront, defy, duel, combat, and competition certainly sound threatening to one’s relationship. And again, you don’t have to be called to duel like Alexander Hamilton; your brain and body process a verbal challenge similarly to a physical challenge.

With that in mind, you can see why one might react strongly when something like these challenges happen:

• A counselor suggests the lack of sex in your marriage is partly your fault.
• A pastor preaches that sex outside marriage is sinful.
• A marriage blogger asserts a particular sex act is or isn’t off-limits, even in marriage.
• A fellow Christian questions your faith due to different views on a passage or topic in Scripture.
• A spouse says you want sex too much or too little or too X or too Y.

You probably don’t have to go back much in your own memory to come up with an instance where you felt challenged by someone about or within your marriage. Maybe you can remember your body’s stress response as well—how tense you became and how quickly it happened.

Fight-Flight-Freeze or…?

Most people have heard about our tendency to respond to a threat with the fight-or-flight response. As explained before, we believed the two primary ways people dealt with danger was fighting or fleeing.

In a sense, these two approaches are captured in The Gottman Institute’s “Four Horseman”—four communication styles identified as predictors of a relationship end. Responding to a challenge with criticism and contempt are ways of fighting back, while defensiveness and stonewalling are ways of fleeing the conflict.

In recent years, a third response was added: freeze. It’s a fairly common in the face of a threat to feel almost paralyzed, shut down, and even dissociate from what’s happening. (By the way, The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes – and Why is a great study in all these responses, especially the freeze one.)

Other reactions have been proposed by psychologists, including that women are more given to “tend and befriend” during a crisis and the combination of oxytocin and testosterone can cause men to “tend and defend.” But in both of those cases, befriending and defending could still cause us to hunker down with others who are like us and avoid the challengers.

A Biblical Response

Raise your hand if you also think this is one of the most difficult commands in the Bible:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.

Matthew 5:38-40 (NKJV )

Wait—what? That’s the complete opposite of our body’s natural reaction to being challenged! Why is God’s design of our brain so different from what Jesus tells us to do?

I don’t have the answer to that. But I do believe that the underlying principle here is clear: Resist your tendency to escalate the situation and show extravagant love.

This does not mean we cannot defend ourselves. Prophets, apostles, and Jesus Himself all defended themselves when appropriate. But they also followed this maxim:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Romans 12:18 (ESV) (emphasis added)

Whatever form a relational challenge looks like, we have a calling to respond with the aim of peace. If it all falls apart, it shouldn’t be because you blew it—but because it wasn’t possible.

If you are in an abusive marriage, flight is an appropriate response. Many other passages in the Bible make it clear that you are not called to “turn the other cheek” to an abuser. That is not a situation where you can have peace based on your actions. Rather, prioritize caring for yourself and any children with you.

Putting It into Practice

I admit it: I still get rattled by a challenge from a commenter at times. I feel tense or upset. I’m tempted to lash back or provide a long defense. I find myself coming up with whataboutisms I could use. I want to tell a few select commenters to just go away and bother someone else.

What I have learned about responding to commenters is something I should apply far better in my own marriage. It’s not good to respond when my thoughts are racing or my emotions flaring. If I must respond, I can calmly suggest a commenter take things down a notch, reiterate my main points, and promise to come back later with more specifics.

Then I can step away, try looking past whatever tone or words triggered my stress response, and ask, “Do they have a point?” and “Could I have done something differently or could I do something differently that preserves both truth and peace?”

Sometimes, the obvious answer is no. For instance, when a commenter suggests that pornography is a good way for couples to educate themselves about physical intimacy, there’s no truth in that and I will continue to oppose porn for the harm it does to those involved. (Though I don’t approve most comments in that vein—see my comments policy.)

More often, if when l listen and process what a commenter’s challenge is about, I might change my mind about something, clarify my thoughts, understand how I can communicate better in the future, or at least understand where others are coming from.

And again, I should do that in my marriage more!

How about you? Are you able to look past the tone or triggers, think through what’s being said, and ask what it means for you and your marriage?

Challenges as Stress Responses

Sometimes a marriage blogger will share a challenge or attack they received with colleagues, typically looking for support or insight. Often, we remind one another the challenge or attack may have come from a place of personal pain. That is, the commenter had their own stress response to something, knowingly or unknowingly, said or did. So it’s possible that 90% of it was us and 10% them, but it’s also possible that 10% of it was us and 90% them—that is, their own history or perceptions.

How can knowing this change how we respond to challenges, specifically those from our mate?

Amon the paradoxes of marriage: when your spouse is most difficult to be around is when they might need you most near. (Again, not talking about abuse—that’s a different thing altogether). For instance, when I’m super-stressed and ranting about this, that, or the other, my husband (understandably) wants to retreat. But if, instead, he approaches and gives me a long hug, my heart rate and blood pressure lower, my breathing settles, I feel reassured, and I’m okay.

Likewise, when a spouse is angry and challenging you, you can respond by escalating the tension or defusing the situation. As Proverbs so aptly says:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 (NASB)

That doesn’t mean the underlying issue goes away, but we can create a better environment to invite conversation, understanding, and peace.

If you’ve been pursuing better sexual intimacy, this can be particularly important! Sex is an area loaded with preconceived notions, theological misunderstanding, personal baggage, and even traumatic experiences. Whether you’re willing to push past your stress response, draw near, and try to understand your spouse could be the make-or-break for your marriage bed.

How do you respond to being challenged? Hopefully by challenging yourself to keep your head and heart in check, by remembering the biblical principles of peace and love, and by drawing near and listening.

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What do you call the 1977 movie about Luke Skywalker? My husband and I, a Baby Boomer and a Gen Xer, call it Star Wars, while our Gen Z sons call it A New Hope. Somehow, between the film’s release and the vast expansion of the Star Wars franchise, it got renamed.

Honestly, 2020 for me, and for many others, felt like Star Wars, with planetary-level destruction, personal heartache, and challenges to our physical and/or emotional survival. But maybe we should reframe it and rename it. Maybe we should think more about how difficult times can be defined by A New Hope. Sure, you don’t know how it will all work out, but even a Death Star is surmountable with fresh skills, fresh allies, and fresh hope.

(Can you tell we watched The Mandalorian over the holidays?)

What are your challenges?

There’s a scene in the second Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back (we can all agree about that title!), in which Han Solo decides to enter an asteroid field to escape an enemy attack. It begins with Han saying, “I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one” and ends with the C-3PO droid giving him the statistical probability of surviving an asteroid field and Han answering, “Never tell me the odds!” Spoiler alert: They survive. (Sorry, but if you didn’t know that, where have you been for the last 40 years?)

Han Solo doesn’t know how they’ll go from under threat to surviving and thriving, but he does know the challenges he faces: a ship on the fritz, enemy fire, and no easy path. In the short term, entering the asteroid field makes things seem more dire, but it’s the best way through. And he believes enough in himself, his ship, and his crew to give it his very best shot.

What are your challenges? Personally and relationally?

• Did your sexual intimacy simply get off track in 2020?
• Are there physiological reasons why sex isn’t what it could and should be?
• Have you struggled with personal issues, grief, or baggage?
• Is your marriage experiencing conflict, tension, or distance?

You may not know how you’ll get to surviving and thriving, but the first step is taking stock of what your challenges are. Then you can find the right path and know that, even if that path is a difficult journey, it’s worth your best shot.

Where is your hope?

When Luke Skywalker first meets Obi-Wan Kenobi, he brings the droid R2-D2 with a message from Princess Leia Organa. Leia outlines a request and finishes with “You’re my only hope.”

Whether you’re just hoping next year is an even better year of sex for you and your spouse, or you’re hoping to resurrect a seemingly dead sex life in your marriage, or somewhere in between, where is your hope?

Go search for “hope” in your Bible, and you’ll see that the correct answer is not a something but a someone. Princess Leia also placed her hope in someone, but our someone is far greater than a legendary Jedi like Kenobi—He is Christ the Lord. That’s the theology, but what’s the practical takeaway?

Well, I see a lot of couples looking for hope with a new product, a fix-it system, a one-and-done marriage course, or a begging-God-for-it conversion of their spouse on the issue of sexuality. Believe me, I wish I could give y’all the 10 Surefire Steps to the Sex Life You and Your Marriage Deserve! Actually, that’s a good subtitle for a book. Unfortunately, I’d need to remove the word surefire, because there are no guarantees.

Look, I’m a huge fan of marriage education, insight, encouragement, and products that do all of that. They have helped me in my marriage and many others. But when someone tells me something I wrote or said made the difference in their marriage, I’m a bit baffled. It wasn’t what I wrote or said—it’s what the couple did with the information they encountered.

And all of that important change and renewed love comes back to the foundation of God Himself, where all hope resides. So start by asking yourself: Which do I want more—sex according to my desires or God working through me to love my spouse?

Answering that correctly—putting your hope where it should lie and living that out—will go a long way toward getting that sex life you both deserve.

How can I help?

“You must unlearn what you have learned,” Master Yoda says in The Empire Strikes Back. To embrace God’s design for sex in marriage, we all have bad ideas and habits and selfishness we have to unlearn and replace with new and better practices.

My goal is to share everything I possibly can to help the sexual intimacy in your marriage thrive in a way that strengthens you individually and together. To be your Christian Sex Yoda. (Okay, that sounds a little creepy, but you know what I’m trying to say! ~smile~)

Let me pull out some key features of that goal:

Sharing what I know

My avenues for sharing hope and help are through writing, podcasting, and speaking. I will be focused on providing both free and paid resources within those areas.

Doing what’s possible

Like everyone else, I have limited time, knowledge, and resources. I’m owning that upfront and planning to do only what I can, while believing wholeheartedly that I’m only one small part of God’s plan that involves many other wonderful marriage ministers.

One upshot of that is, as much as I’d like to blog daily or podcast weekly, it’s not happening. I’m aiming for twice a week here with summer and winter breaks and will maintain biweekly podcasts with Sex Chat and Knowing Her Sexually. Within those boundaries, I can follow Yoda’s other advice: “Do or Do Not. There is no try.”

Concentrating on sexual intimacy

I recently asked a question on my Facebook page about how broad my ministry should go, and the answers I received felt like God’s Spirit speaking through the wise counsel of friends. While I personally have opinions on broader cultural and theological issues, my calling is to keep my eyes and ministry firmly fixed on godly sex in marriage.

Helping both individuals and couples

Do I minister to wives? Or husbands? Or couples? I’ve wavered on this in the last 10 years, but the answer is: yes. Some of my resources are aimed at wives (e.g., Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, Higher Drive Wife community, and Intimacy Revealed book), while others are aimed at husbands (Knowing Her Sexually Community and podcast), and even others for couples (blog, Pillow Talk book, Sex Seminar).

But also, as much as I’m a believer in the blessing that marriage and sex in marriage can be, I agree 100% with Gary Thomas’s post in which he said: “If the cost of saving a marriage is destroying a woman, the cost is too high. God loves people more than he loves institutions.” And that’s also true if that marriage destroys a man. Thomas was talking about clear abuse, and his post is well worth reading. My reason for restating his words is that I want it clear that I first and foremost value the people God made.

I believe so much in marriage because I think it’s a blessing to people to be have a life partner, to experience love and joy with another, to be challenged and grow as “iron sharpens iron,” and to form the foundation of family for the sake of children and community. The intimate act of sex between husband and wife supports all of that as well.

If none of that describes your marriage, your issue is not sex. Not even close. Go find the help and hope you need.

Most of what I write assumes both spouses at least want a good marriage, and from that place, you can spark or spice up your sexual intimacy. Even if you don’t exactly know how just yet. But we’re here together—with new and renewed hope. Let’s make our marriages better than ever in the coming year and beyond.

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