8 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had NO Filter (Heaven Help Us All)

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage started it, by posting 9 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had No Filter. A few others (like Generous Husband) joined in on this concept, and I’ve decided to give it a go as well.

This was a real challenge, though, because I kind of don’t have a filter. (My husband laughed unnecessarily loud when I told him that.) I pretty much say what I think, although I give deep thought to how I say it. So maybe that’s my filter after all.

Anyway, here are eight things I’d say about sex if I said them exactly how they run through my brain — before I pretty them up for my blog.

woman with hand over mouth + blog post title

FOR BOTH WIVES AND HUSBANDS

1. Oh, for heaven’s sake, sex is all over the Bible! When naysayers are critical or appalled at the honest talk on my blog, I wonder if we’re even reading the same Bible. Because I remember trying to read through the Bible with my young children, and I couldn’t get far without a story about sex cropping up here and there. Everything from “Adam knew Eve” to Lot and his lunatic daughters and on and on, the Bible is filled with God telling stories and giving commands about His gift of sexual intimacy and its horrible abuses.

Yes, we need to be kind and gentle and respectful in how we talk about sex, but for heaven’s sake, it’s all over the Bible! Responsible Christian sex authors aren’t addressing anything God didn’t address in His Word.

2. Stop withholding or stop demanding, and stop acting like the other one is the whole problem. Withholders and demanders always have reasons why they’re doing it: “If he would only, then I would __.” “As my wife, she owes me __.” Or whatever. But as long as you are arrogantly certain the problem lies with the other person, nothing will improve.

If you’re demanding, stop that. Even if your spouse is supposed to give you sex, and I agree (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you’re not thus relieved of God’s calling for you to be patient, kind, selfless, etc. See 1 Corinthians 13 — a few chapters later!

And to the withholders — even if your spouse doesn’t understand how tired you are or needy of romance you are or whatever (and yes, they likely should treat you better), that doesn’t mean that you get to erect a wall, post guards, and deny entrance to the garden. When you said I do, part of that was I do sex. (Look it up! It’s in the Bible.)

Yep, if you’re on one of these extremes, you can rationalize all day long but it won’t negate that you are not in line with God’s intention for your marriage and things won’t get better until one of you changes. Since you can’t force your spouse to change, how about you start?

3. Talk to your children about sex — yesterday, today, tomorrow, and on and on until they are good and raised. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you feel unqualified. Yes, your children might buck you at times. But the world will be sending erroneous messages to your child almost 24/7 from the moment they can read the magazine cover in the grocery store line. It’s your God-given responsibility to get over the awkwardness and give your child the truth about sexual intimacy.

By toddlerhood, we parents have been peed on, vomited on, and who knows what else. Face it: We signed up for difficult and awkward! Come on, I believe in you. Step up and talk to your children about sex — now, and again and again.

FOR THE WIVES

4. Relax already! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts. If you tense every time like you’re getting a pelvic exam, it’s no wonder you don’t like sex. You’ve got to relax to enjoy this intimate experience with your husband! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts, where your most arouse-able areas get extra-stimulated and pampered. Lean into the interesting sensations like you would a fabulous massage or a relaxing pedicure.

If you practice relaxing and focusing on how you feel in those moments, you might find your body is capable of some super-neat sensations. And your husband has nice skills — especially once you hint or tell him where you like to be touched. Stop thinking about how you look, or what someone else would think, or if the kids will walk in (you locked the door, right?), or whatever. Relax!

5. Get into it. Flirt. Tease. Move. Moan. Wouldn’t it stink to go out dancing and have your husband merely shuffle his feet through the tango (or Texas two-step where I live)? Likewise, it ain’t enough to show up and offer your body like it’s a big sacrificial gesture. Don’t merely go through the motions. It doesn’t make you embarrassing or sleazy to really get into it.

Own your sexuality! Flirt with your husband. Tease and touch him. Move around as you make love. Moan and scream. Let loose and you might find you enjoy it more! He’ll really like it too. Trust me on that.

6. So what if the kids hear! You think that‘s what will cause them to seek therapy? Sure, I’ve probably done something as a mom for which my kids could seek therapy someday — some mistake on my part a few counseling sessions would help. But I’m fairly certain that moment your kids realize their parents have sex won’t ruin them or cause Freud to sit up in his coffin and shout, “Told you so!” Kids are more resilient than that!

Even if your children do hear or (heaven forbid) walk in, They. Will. Be. Okay. It’s actually good for children to know their parents make love and that sexual intimacy is a gift from God to marriage. So stop worrying so much. Of course you should lock the door, tuck away your intimacy aids, and hold off having naked Twister in the living room until they’re gone, but if they hear? Hey, that’s just what loving mommies and daddies do.

FOR THE HUSBANDS

7. She’s never had an orgasm? What are you doing wrong?! To be fair, there is a percentage of wives who have major issues reaching orgasm, and it has nothing to do with their husbands. But honestly, there’s a contingent of men out there who haven’t made this the patient priority they should.

Look, I know it’s annoying you can get there in five minutes and she takes forty. But she will like sex more when you help her find that real climax. And orgasms beget orgasms, so even if you have to spend a lot of time at first helping her figure out what gets her aroused and learning what you can do to stimulate her, it will pay off in the long run. That first orgasm is often the hardest to reach.

Now don’t worry if she doesn’t orgasm every single time (sometimes, some wives don’t even want to that much), but please make it a priority for her to reach climax fairly regularly. You’ll both be happier if you can figure this out.

8. Were you raised by wolves? You can’t just sniff her out, honk a breast, and think you’re getting some tonight. You are not an animal, you’re a real man. That means you woo your woman. You didn’t just catch her and drag her back to your den years ago and now the chase is over. Nope. You’ll be pursuing her for the rest of your life.

Tuck that away in your brain and figure out how to make her feel so loved and desired and valued and appreciated and beautiful . . . that making love to you sounds like a dream come true. Take your time: Show her your romantic side, touch and kiss just for the sake of it, pay attention to the areas of her body that are not erogenous zones, and treat her like the “weaker sex” (1 Peter 3:7). That verse doesn’t mean she’s actually weak, but rather Handle With Care.

Oh, and help her deal with those distractions that keep her from focusing on the two of you. In summation, no honking a breast and make her feel blessed.

That’s it! Eight things I’d say if I had no filter. Which, heaven help us all, I’ve now said.

58 thoughts on “8 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had NO Filter (Heaven Help Us All)

  1. Stephanie

    I love all your posts! But I must say this is my favorite so far!
    I love your honesty!
    So glad you have revealed yourself!

  2. Chuck

    I loved the part where you stated, “Own your Sexuality”! Embrace it ladies along with your fertility. My marriage to my wife of 33 yrs. was enriched by our use of NFP. I became so much more aware of how my wife’s body worked and then later on led me to understand her erotic buttons to touch during foreplay. Sometimes you just have to give yourself “permission” to experience the joys that God desires for you sexually. But, if you don’t teach your husband well, don’t expect great results. Great article J Parker!

  3. Taunya

    Love this! Thank you for being honest. There are wives like me who are beginning to embrace this part of their lives and we need someone to keep it light-hearted!

    1. J Post author

      Thanks so much, Taunya! So glad you’re embracing this gift. May it bless you and your marriage!

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  5. Lisa

    Fantastic post! Thank you for the honesty, transparency and humor. I will share this with my four (4) kids who swear up and down I’m a ‘nun’. LOL!

    Thanks again for sharing.

  6. alchemist

    I saw that original post. And I saw the comment section turn into Christian marriage and intimacy blogger party. And not apparently it’s a meme or something. All the cool kids are doing it (making posts about what you’d say if you didn’t have a filter)

    I especially like 1. Like have you read Genesis? My dad insisting that we read the “grown up” bible from the beginning is the reason I knew what rape, incest, prostitution and homosexuality was (at an age appropriate level) before I even went to middle school. Read your bibles people.

    Also number 3. For goodness sake. Just. Do. It. letting your kid find out from their brothers/ TV/ other kids or goodness forbid, the internet is just terrible.

    <3 number 8 too. It's funny. I think that would get my future husband slapped. This princess does not get honked, thank you very much.

    1. J Post author

      Yeah, I like hanging out with the “cool kids.” 🙂 Actually, I think some of us marriage and intimacy bloggers just inspire one another from time to time. So we steal borrow good ideas with permission now and again.

      And “the princess”? That line cracked me up. Of course, most men are smart enough not to actually honk, but many are still more grabby than gentle when it comes to our lady parts — and they sometimes need a reminder of how women experience sensations.

      Thanks!

    1. J Post author

      Thanks so much, Daniel! And let me link to your post here (great stuff): 5 Things I Would Say About Sex If I Had No Filter

      And my favorite lines from your take are these: “Marriage is not the sex killer it is portrayed as being. In fact, within marriage you have the safety, security, and time to learn what really drives each other wild.” AMEN!

  7. vincent

    Of a truth, the issue of sex is what is causing many marriage crises. Once couples have sexual maladjustment, other negative issues will start to follow. Wish that couples having problem with their sex life in their marriage could visit this site, the above post is highly educative.

    1. J Post author

      Thanks, Vincent! I wish they’d visit my blog too 😉 — although I might start them on a super-gentle post. (Now wondering what that would be…)

  8. Lina

    I’m one of those women who could live very happily without sex, but I wouldn’t have married my husband if I hadn’t decided that I would throw myself into it with enthusiasm. And though my basic attitude hasn’t changed, what you say in #5 is quite true. It isn’t fake; I really do have fun, and my husband’s reaction makes me feel like a goddess. He sometimes says he’s sorry that I don’t get out of it what he gets out of it, but he always adds, “But I can see you enjoy it anyway.” Luckily for me, my attitude in life has always been, if you’re going to do something, do it well, and if you’re obligated to do something, you may as well get as much out of it as you can. In short: if you do a thing, do it wholeheartedly and enjoy it!

  9. MG

    I’m glad you got past your nerves to post–true you’re always blunt and forthright, but somehow this was a whole new level of ‘pull yourself together and do it right’ and I really appreciated that. Love this post!!

    Thank you for all you do!!

    1. J Post author

      Thanks, MG! I’ve been a bit taken aback at how positive the response has been to this post. Thanks so very much! God bless you and yours.

  10. Belah Rose

    I too love this post! 2 of my favorite things: think of sex as though its a spa for your lady parts…great visual! Plus the talk to your kids about sex, you signed up for awkward and uncomfortable! So true!

  11. Lisa

    I kind of don’t have a filter either, if something comes out, it just does. I love that you share so openly. Thank you!

    1. J Post author

      Great question! I didn’t know what the rules were when I first began blogging or how to do this, but you can “reblog” someone’s post by grabbing the first 1-3 paragraphs. (Depending on their length and the length of the post, but you’re just trying to get a teaser of maybe 10% of the content.) Almost every blog has a copyright policy that allows quoting from their posts, so it’s considered proper etiquette to grab a representative sample. But you’re right, definitely not the whole post. That would be a no-no.

      Be sure to cite the source, then link to the remainder of the article. The easiest way to do this is simply to add to the end of the sample paragraphs, “Read More,” and link the original site to that text.

      Of course, make sure you always read the copyright policy of the blog before using their material. (Mine is on the right sidebar, over there → → →). And add your own commentary as an intro, telling your readers why this article might pique their interest.

      Hope this helps, Beverly! Blessings.

  12. C

    Hello! Just found your blog through a mention on fb. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN MY WHOLE MARRIAGE??????
    So, need a bit of wisdom. Married a bit over 13 years with two kiddos.
    I got on an antidepressant a little over 1 year after we got married. Gained almost 60 lbs in about 3 years on that. Started losing weight and then got pregnant with #1, lost most of the baby weight, then had #2. Didn’t gain as much with her. Basically I went from 160 to 240 over the course of 13 years.
    Here’s my deal. I am really trying hard not to let it bring me down in the intimacy area. We have never been the couple to talk about sex, although we’ve been to conferences that encourage it and we did it for session of the conference, but never again. He is very fit and body conscious himself being a fitness coach part time and a police Lt full time. He knows I struggle and he has stopped complimenting me because I feel like he doesn’t mean it. I regret that now. I realized today how much I miss those little comments. We through a drought in the bedroom for about 8 months a couple of years ago, but over the last year we’ve been more consistent. Here’s the thing. It’s ALL I think about. So I get myself all gussied up(and hide under the covers :/) and excited and try to initiate and then freeze up. So I wait for him to initiate. When he does its more like he feel asleep and then woke up to just have sex. I don’t turn him away because I want to, but then I feel like there isn’t any really connecting. He NEVER has commented on how it was or anything because we don’t talk about it, I sent him a little email the other day to tell him that I have enjoyed our time and if there was anything I could do for him and he basically skipped over and answered my other question, not related to that.
    I want more than anything for us to be open. I want him to be comfortable with my body, but I am pretty sure he isn’t, but I don’t want to ask because I am afraid to hear the answer.
    I want to initiate and I play it out in my head and then I just shut down and hope that he does. I am sad aren’t I??
    I do try and get fancier things to wear but when I wear them to bed its like he wont look at me. I don’t know if he is embarrassed to notice me or disgusted. I would be if I were in his shoes, honestly. Not if he were overweight. I guess maybe it’s because I was thin when we first got married and now I am not.
    Anyone have any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

    1. J Post author

      My thoughts?

      1) Work on getting healthy. It doesn’t sound like you’re comfortable in your skin, although you’re obviously trying (huge applause for that!). I suggest working on getting your body healthy for your own sake — so that it will work better, you’ll feel better, and you’ll have more energy. When we wives take care of ourselves, we are typically more confident about sharing our bodies with our husbands. My go-to resource for ideas on healthy wives is Gaye’s Calm.Healthy.Sexy. blog.

      2) Your husband may not be responsive right now, due to a long drought. Some husbands have admitted that they finally shut down their sex drive, as much as they can, because it caused them too much emotional pain. Then when a wife wants to reignite things, it takes a while for the husband to believe this is real and not just a fluke. So keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t give up yet.

      3) Don’t play out scenarios in your head so much. You know this, of course. When you feel the desire to initiate, go for it. Be prepared that you might get turned down, perhaps more at the beginning than as you continue, but if you don’t ask, you don’t know. And men are not always sure about subtle clues when wives try to initiate. Wearing something sexy might be a signal, but some guys aren’t sure. So we can think we’re being obvious, and they remain unconvinced. In this case, just say it! “I’d love to be intimate tonight” or “Would you like to have sex?” or, as I actually said to my husband the other day, “I was hoping we could go sheet-diving.” (Yes, you can steal that. 😉 )

      4) Let it take time. You’re building sexual intimacy, not throwing up a pre-fabricated sex life. Go one brick at a time, pursuing intimacy with your husband through spending time together, communicating often, respecting and encouraging him, showing affection, and offering sex.

      Praying for you both!

  13. kay kamal

    Hi J,

    I’ve been a silent reader of ur wonderful blog for the past 3 years (when mydaughter was 6mo young)…i currently have a 7mo young lil guy.

    Being a new parent somehw stopped me from desiring my husband. Our marriage was rocky at that time. Hubby even gave me cold shoulders and silent treatment. Dont get me wrong. He had been wonderful with d baby. Cooked dinner (we are working parents) and even did the cleanups and laundry but i was just exhausted from working 14 hour shifts and juggling the baby while breastfeeding and all.

    Then i came across u. Eventhough i am a muslim… ur blog really made sense (since i couldnt really find any muslim marriage blogs anyway and ur whimsical way of writing captured me).

    Suffice to say ur blog played a big role in saving my marriage. Heck i’ve read all the posts by now!

    As of this post. I can totally relate to no 3 and 6. N yep i turned out fine bcz mom did no 3 when i was 10 (i stayed pure till i married my husband at 25) and i came across no 6 at 9 yo (the 1st time). Lol.. so cheers!~

    1. J Post author

      So glad to have you as a reader. Thanks for your encouraging words! Many blessings to you and your marriage.

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  20. Deb

    Thanks so much for this – just found it when it was referred to on another site (it was either from: To Love Honor and Vacuum, or from Intimacy in marriage). Love your site – this information is so needed! Many thanks, have subscribed today.

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