Q&A with J: What about Cheating Wives?

I had another question I was going to tackle, but after writing Forget Josh Duggar: What Ashley Madison’s Client Base Reveals about Husbands, I got several similar comments/questions on my Facebook page:

“…a lot of wives have signed up as well…”

“So why did the women sign up? Unless all the men were secretly gay, and I’m sure that is nowhere near the truth, there had to be a number of women signed up to make the site even feasible.”

“I appreciate what you’ve said about the husbands, but what about the wives who have accounts?”

Q&A with J: What about Cheating Wives?

I read several articles about Ashley Madison’s database contents. From what I have gleaned (but do your own homework), perhaps 75%-90% of their paid clients are men. Of those men, a number of them are actually single — seeking the no-strings-attached, affair experience over the be-a-real-man work of settling into a real relationship.

Regardless, some wives have signed up for accounts with this dating website exclusively tailored for extramarital affairs. I didn’t write about them originally because I haven’t seen sufficient data to draw conclusions about who they are and what they’re looking for.

Although if anything’s like the usual reasons for wives seeking affairs, I have some guesses about what they’re wanting.

Attention. A number of wives complain that their husbands don’t listen to them, value who they are, or romance them the way they once did. They long to be complimented, showered with affection, and to feel like the only woman in the world when their guy looks at them.  When this isn’t happening in their marriage, they may start looking for it elsewhere.

Emotional connection. Sex is not the primary reason most women seek affairs — they want the emotional connection they feel is missing in their marriage. Which is why spending time with that male co-worker who’s so nice to you, or revealing your thoughts and feelings to your next door neighbor, or even spending a lot of time alone in ministry with a man who isn’t your husband is a really bad idea. You start to connect emotionally, and for us gals, emotional intimacy fuels sexual intimacy.

Feeling sexy. The pressure for women to be sexy is so strong in our culture, but I believe that desire is also innate to our being. We ladies long to be wanted, mostly for who we are but also because of our feminine form and beauty. For most women, when a loving husband tells you that you’re smokin’ hot, that feels really good. If you don’t feel that way in your marriage, though, maybe you think you could get that affirmation from another man.

I’m sure there are other reasons, but those are a few of my ideas.

Now here’s reality:

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down (Proverbs 14:1). Click To Tweet

Any of that attention, emotional connection, and feeling sexy is false advertising, rotten for your marriage, damaging to your children, and dangerous to your soul.

Here are some other posts I’ve done on adultery to clarify where I stand on this issue:

Avoiding Adultery: My Rule
Forget the Hedge, Build a Wall
The Bible’s Answer to Sexual Temptation
7 Steps to an Affair

And here are a few other scriptures about the poison of affairs:

“But a man who commits adultery has no sense; whoever does so destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32 – surely applies to a woman too).

“You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14).

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

Let’s hope it’s uber-clear now to everyone that cheating is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Husbands shouldn’t do it, wives shouldn’t it, and spouses shouldn’t stand for it.

I’m not suggesting an end to marriage if a spouse cheats, but I am suggesting an end to the adultery. There is hope for those marriages, with repentance and the redemptive power of God. But that road must begin with a recognition that, no matter what your marital situation and the yearnings of your heart, an extramarital affair is not the answer.

Now as we used to say: Get it? Got it? Good.

Book Giveaway: Turning to a far more pleasant subject, let me reveal the winner of last week’s announced giveaway. Shawnea Berry was chosen from among Pinterest followers who pinned one of my posts last week. I’ll contact her about receiving her free ebook copy of Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage.

For this next week, I’ll be giving an ebook copy of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. To enter, simply share one of my posts on Facebook and make sure to mention @HotHolyHumorous somewhere in the status update so that I see it. I’ll choose a winner Friday, August 28, at 10:00 p.m. and announce it next Saturday. Thanks and good luck!

5 thoughts on “Q&A with J: What about Cheating Wives?

  1. marriedheat

    You could have included Feeling Sexy on the men’s post as well. Men want to be wanted and want our wives to desire us sexually. Having a low libido wife is extremely difficult, especially if she either doesn’t think about sex, or believes any indication of sexy thought expressed verbally will lead to sex when she’s not feeling it.

    After 30+ years with a very low libido wife, she’s finally been more verbal about how sexy she thinks I am. Unfortunately, I don’t trust her words (yet) and still have body image issues. We’re working through it and things get better. We still have our moments and slide backwards into old habits.

    Anyway, I wanted to share the thought that women should be aware of their husbands’ need to be wanted as much as their own need.

    Reply
  2. Taunya

    Women definitely cheat for different reasons then men do. I had an emotional affair early in our marriage. One of the reasons was it was easier to talk with my co-worker than my husband about the abuse I had endured growing up. When there’s a spouse with unhealed past hurts, and someone comes along at the right time, then there’s the possibility for an affair.

    So, just wanted to say that sometimes when a spouse cheats it may have nothing to do with the marriage…but a wound that desperately needs healed.

    Reply
    1. Paul Byerly

      I’ve seen several articles on this issue. Very few of the female accounts have any activity at all after being created. Evidence suggests less than 1% of the accounts were real.
      Sure women cheat, but this is not how they do it!

      Reply

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