Back in 2023, I hosted the first Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise, and it went great! If you could talk to the couples who attended, I believe they’d tell you the same thing. We spent a wonderful week cruising the Caribbean, learning more about marital intimacy as God intended, strengthening our marriages, and getting to know one another as friends and encouragers. We also enjoyed excellent food, fun experiences, and beautiful ports of call.

In 2027, I’ll be hosting the second—and last—Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise. And I’d love for you to join us!

Invest in Your Intimacy

Most couples understand the value of investing in their marriage. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. But neither does healthy sex in marriage. Whether you’re a couple who’s struggled to get on the same page, encountered obstacles, or simply want to keep the spark alive, this cruise is for you.

During our time together, I’ll be teaching sessions focused on building healthy, holy, and satisfying sexual intimacy. We’ll talk honestly, biblically, and practically about what it means to nurture this gift God has given married couples. Plus, you’ll have the big-time bonus of a personal coaching session with Brad and Kate Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries! (That rated as a favorite perk on our last cruise.)

This is an investment worth making!

More Than a Conference

This isn’t a typical marriage conference where you spend all day moving from session to session. Think of it as a marriage retreat at sea.

We’ll gather for teaching sessions and discussions, but you’ll also have plenty of time to relax together, enjoy the ship’s amenities, explore beautiful destinations, and simply reconnect as husband and wife.

The combination of biblical teaching, personal coaching, intentional couple time, and a relaxing vacation creates something truly special.

Why a Cruise?

When some people hear “cruise,” they picture deck parties, loud music, and crowds. Others imagine sitting quietly by the water with a good book. The truth is that a cruise can be either of those experiences—or neither.

One of the things I enjoy most about cruising is that it’s largely what you make it.

Want to dance the night away? You can do that.

Want to play shuffleboard on the deck, watch the ocean roll by, and turn in early? You can do that too.

You can fill your days with activities, shows, excursions, and adventures, or you can spend much of your time simply relaxing together. A cruise offers something many vacations don’t: choices. Lots of them.

And because your lodging, dining, entertainment, and transportation between destinations are all wrapped into one experience, it’s easy to focus less on logistics and more on enjoying time together.

Once you’re onboard, many of life’s usual responsibilities simply disappear for a while. There’s something refreshing about stepping away from normal life and remembering why you chose each other in the first place.

The Details

The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise will sail aboard the Carnival Liberty from February 14–21, 2027.

We’ll depart from New Orleans, Louisiana, and enjoy stops in:

• Montego Bay, Jamaica
• Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
• Cozumel, Mexico

Your registration includes:

• Seven-night cruise accommodations
• Onboard entertainment, including shows and live music
• Use of pools, hot tubs, and fitness center
• Main dining, as well as included restaurants such as Guy’s Burger Joint, Blue Iguana Cantina, and Mongolian Wok
• All conference sessions
• A personal coaching session with Brad Aldrich (Pennsylvania-licensed marriage therapist) and wife Kate (certified coach)
• Taxes and fees
• Prepaid gratuities

Pricing begins at $2,750 per couple for an interior stateroom, with upgrades available.

Is This Cruise for You?

This cruise is not an intensive intervention for marriages in crisis. But the Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise is a great fit if:

• You’d like practical, biblical teaching about sexual intimacy.
• You and your spouse would benefit from becoming more aligned in your expectations and experiences.
• You’d like to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
• You need time away to reconnect.
• You’ve been wanting a vacation that combines relaxation with relationship growth.

And if you’re still not sure about the cruise part? That’s okay. Many first-time cruisers discover they love it.

Either way, I encourage you to check out the details here and prayerfully consider joining us. I’d love to spend a week with you investing in one of God’s greatest gifts to married couples: intimacy.

The post The Hot, Holy & Humorous Marriage Cruise Is Back! appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Cruise

We’ll leave from New Orleans, Louisiana on Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2027, sail on Carnival’s Liberty to the Western Caribbean with stops in Montego Bay, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel and return on February 21, 2027.

Connect

You’ll connect with your spouse through interactive workshops, onboard fun, shore excursions of your choice, and private time alone. You’ll also connect with other couples on the cruise, with host J. Parker & her husband (“Spock”) and special guests Brad and Kate Aldrich of Aldrich Ministries.

Cultivate Better Intimacy

Sail days include workshops designed to help you better understand God’s design for sex, your own marriage’s particular challenges and opportunities, and how to build better marital intimacy that includes mutually satisfying sex. But all events and experiences are geared toward helping you create and cultivate healthier, holier, and happier sexual intimacy in your marriage.

This cruise is not intended for couples in crisis. If you are dealing with sexual betrayal, experiencing physical or emotional abuse, or in the midst of divorce proceedings or a separation, please seek resources that address your specific situation better—such as a marriage intensive or professional therapy.

Cost

For $2750 per couple, you receive:

• Interior Stateroom (taxes & fees included, room upgrades available*)
• All meals provided by the ship (specialty restaurants excluded)
• Onboard entertainment and shows
• All conference workshops and events
• One-on-one session with guest coaches
• Group dining so you can get to know other couples (including your hosts!)
• Access to our closed Facebook group
• Signed copy of Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples

*Room upgrades: $2970 for an Ocean View Stateroom, $3690 for an Ocean View w/Balcony

Caveat

For this endeavor to be viable, we need 10 couples to sign up by November 15. If we don’t meet that baseline, HHH would lose money to continue—meaning we’d have to cancel. We don’t want that to happen! So please register sooner rather than later.

Space is limited to ONLY 15 couples! So act quickly.

Host

J. Parker is an author, speaker, and podcaster and has been the voice of Hot, Holy & Humorous for over 15 years. She’s written six books, cohosts the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, and runs an online community for higher desire wives. J has personal story of redemption in the area of sexuality, holds a master’s degree in counseling from the University of Houston, and lives in Denton, Texas with her husband of 33 years.

J. Parker will present several workshops on the topic of growing healthy and holy sexual intimacy in your marriage, as well as lead couples’ activities designed to increase understanding and connection. J’s husband, aka “Spock,” will join her on the Q&A panel, along with our guest coaches.

Coaches

Brad and Kate Aldrich have been married for 27 years and are the parents of four wonderful children. Their passion for helping couples grew out of their own journey of healing, and discovering what it means to build a marriage that continues to grow.

Together they founded Aldrich Coaching & Counseling Network & The Story Path and have spent years walking alongside individuals and couples through coaching, counseling, groups, intensives, writing, and speaking. They are also the hosts of the Still Becoming One podcast, where they explore the realities of marriage, relationships, story, and personal growth.

Brad is a Pennsylvania Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and both Brad and Kate are certified life coaches with advanced training in Narrative Focused Trauma Care through The Allender Center. Their work is rooted in the belief that every marriage is shaped by the stories each person brings into the relationship. Rather than simply addressing surface-level conflicts, they help couples understand the deeper experiences, wounds, hopes, and patterns that influence how they connect with one another.

One of the unique aspects of their work is the opportunity for couples to meet with both Brad and Kate together. Many couples find it valuable to have both a male and female perspective as they navigate challenges, strengthen communication, rebuild trust, and deepen intimacy. Through a combination of wisdom, compassion, practical guidance, and story-focused exploration, Brad and Kate help couples move beyond simply surviving their marriage toward building a relationship marked by greater connection, understanding, and hope.

Itinerary

Ports of Call

Montego Bay, Jamaica

Relax to reggae rhythms and explore vibrant Montego Bay (“Mo Bay”)—from beautiful beaches, to shopping, to restaurants, and golf with a stunning Caribbean backdrop. Venture into the countryside to experience Jamaica’s rich culture or tour historic mansions while soaking up the island vibe. Learn more about Montego Bay here.

Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands

Enjoy British-Caribbean charm on Grand Cayman, where crystal-clear waters reveal a stunning marine paradise. Snorkel or dive among vibrant reefs, sea turtles, and famous stingrays, or simply relax and enjoy one of the Caribbean’s most beautiful island escapes. Learn more about Grand Cayman here.

Cozumel, Mexico

Discover Cozumel’s mix of adventure and relaxation. Snorkel or scuba dive along vibrant coral reefs, explore nearby Mayan ruins, zip line through tropical scenery, browse San Miguel’s shops, or unwind on white-sand beaches beside turquoise water. Learn more about Cozumel here.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why Carnival cruise line?

For mid-range Caribbean cruises, the best options are Royal Caribbean, Norwegian, and Carnival. Norwegian is substantially more expensive, and while Royal Caribbean is a great cruise line for couple/family vacations, they are less accommodating for groups. Carnival offers a sweet spot for our group. One perk of their cruises is that they allow for a variety of experiences, and we believe that our group can create the right experience with Carnival.

Why is the cruise so expensive?

You may have seen advertisements boasting cheaper rates, but those aren’t your check-out price. This cruise includes the base price of the cruise plus taxes, fees, and prepaid gratuities … times two. Then, there’s the cost of putting on a marriage retreat, which involves travel costs, time, labor, resources, etc. So, it’s a double-occupancy cruise + conference + investment in your marriage = great value!

Can we pay in installments?

Yes, you may make an initial deposit of 50% (e.g., $1375 for the $2750 interior stateroom) and pay the remaining 50% by October 31, 2026. After that date, the full amount will be due upon booking.

May we bring our children?

While we view children as a beautiful blessing from God, we ask you to find someone else to watch them back at home so that you can focus on your marriage and its intimacy. Having kids to care for, even if only when the ship’s childcare is unavailable, will prevent you from being able to concentrate on and apply what we’re learning. In the end, it will greatly benefit your children to have had a vacation all your own and strengthened your marriage and thus your whole family.

Must we attend all scheduled events?

No. Your time is ultimately yours to spend as you wish. Of course, you won’t get the full benefit of this marriage cruise without engaging in the core content. But if you want a dinner-for-two or a long afternoon nap together, go for it! Prioritize what’s best for your marriage.

Would this be a good surprise for my spouse?

Probably not. It could be if your spouse is a huge of Hot, Holy & Humorous, Brad and Kate Aldrich, and/or investing in your sexual intimacy together. But if not, springing it on your spouse could come across as pressure. And since emotional safety is important for deep intimacy, that’s not the place to start creating a better sex life.

Instead, suggest the trip to your spouse and let him/her know that they won’t be pressured to do anything they don’t want to (see question above) and that there will be ample time to relax and bond during other activities. If they’re unfamiliar with us, encourage them to read or listen to what I and/or Brad and Kate have said on our sites and podcasts, so that they know it won’t be a hostage-like situation but rather an opportunity to get real help for your marriage.

And if they say no, respect their no. As much as I love our cruise, there are other ways to work on marital intimacy.

Will we be able to drink alcohol?

Alcohol consumption is a non-salvation issue about which good Christians can disagree. If you choose to drink, please do so responsibly. And feel free to buy your host a glass of wine at least once during the week. (Kidding! I kid.)

Do I need to get vaccinated?

Carnival currently has no vaccination requirements. However, we encourage you to take wise precautions, especially those at higher risk of severe consequences if they fall ill. Consult your healthcare provider for advice tailored to you.

What about inclement weather?

Cruise ships are highly motivated to do two things: set sail and keep guests safe. If they believe they can sail safely, they will. But severe weather, such as hurricanes and tropical storms, may cause them to alter their course, change or skip a port, or cancel a cruise. Your host will stay on top of weather-related news and cruise line announcements and keep you informed of any adjustments to the plan.

Will I get seasick?

Many cruisers feel mildly nauseated the first day of sailing but acclimate quickly. A few experience motion sickness beyond the first 24 hours. Recommendations to prevent seasickness involve going outside from time to time, as viewing the horizon can help your body reorient, and taking over-the-counter medications like Bonine and Dramamine. Another option some, like me, swear by—and others, like my husband Spock, discount—is acupressure wristbands, like Sea-Band. Your healthcare provider can also prescribe a motion sickness patch that delivers a stronger medicine (Scopolamine) to help; speak with him/her ahead of time if you’re concerned. And if you experience motion sickness that’s not easily addressed, there is an onboard doctor who can help.

Should we get travel insurance?

While taxes, fees, and gratuities are all prepaid for you, the choice to get travel insurance is yours. Carnival offers a Vacation Protection program, or you can purchase separately from any travel insurance provider. Be sure to read exactly which conditions qualify for payout.

Got another question? Shoot me an email at j@hotholyhumorous.com.

The post Cruise 2027 appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before we jump into the topic, I want to remind you that I’m having a sale on three of my books right now. You can get signed paperbacks for ONLY $5 each, and that includes shipping. Make sure to order what you want before I run out!

Christmas is over, and the New Year looms. For some, that means setting new goals. Others disagree that January 1—”just a date on the calendar”—should prompt us to reconsider our plans. While I respect the naysayers’ take, I find this to be a good time to reassess where I’ve been and where I’m going.

Rather than come up with a long list of goals, however, I typically choose a single word to guide my year. And I’ve written about the one-word approach several times:

• Resolution Week: What’s Your “One Word” for Your Marriage?
• My One Word for 2022 (and What It Means for My Ministry)
• My One Word for 2023, and 8 Quick Tips for Finding Yours
• Our One (Sex) Word for 2025

Choosing a single word to guide you is a common approach, but there are plenty of others. Whether you use them at the New Year or another time, it can be helpful to set some goals for yourself and/or your marriage.

Goal-Setting Approaches

What are the options? Let’s look at a few.

SMART Goals. With this strategy, make however many goals you want but be sure they are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For instance, instead of jotting down, “I want our marriage to thrive,” write something like: “We will go on a date at least once every two weeks in 2026.” It’s specific, measurable, achievable (depending on your situation), relevant to having a thriving marriage, and time-bound—though one would hope you enjoy it so much, you continue the practice.

Start / Stop / Continue. Identify habits or projects to begin, to let go of, or to keep doing. I’ve done this with my work life and found it very helpful to assess where I am, what I want, what needs to give, and what is worth my ongoing effort.

Life Wheel. A life wheel is a chart that shows key life areas, and you make goals within each area. I personally like the 8 Dimensions of Wellness, with growth areas being physical, intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, occupational, financial, and environmental.

Vision Board. With a vision board, you collect images, words, or symbols to display what you hope to experience or cultivate in the year ahead. You can put them on an actual board, a One Note page, a sketch pad, or wherever you want. Your board might include a picture of someone jogging (if you want to exercise more), photos of faraway destinations (if you want to travel), examples of beautiful bedrooms (if you want to redecorate), a graphic of an open Bible (if you want to read more Scripture), and so on.

Color. I only recently heard about this one—people choosing a color to represent the tone you want for the year. Maybe that would work for you! Would you prefer a calm blue? A cheery yellow? A bold red? Or maybe something very specific like muted teal or apricot cream to get just the feel you want? You could also go with a full palette. (Check out this cool palette generator: Coolors.)

One Word. Choose a single word to guide your mindset, priorities, and decisions. Some words I’ve heard include health, focus, yes, peace, and surrender. You can find more tips and inspiration from One Word For 2026: How to Choose Yours (Plus 236 Ideas) — Sweet PlanIt.

Phrase or Motto. Instead of one word, select a short phrase to represent how you want to show up this coming year. Want examples? “Slow progress is still progress” can remind you to appreciate how far you’ve come and keep going. “Be faithful in the small things” can help you focus on everyday kindness and godliness. “Stay in the moment” might be exactly what some of you need to relax and enjoy time spent in nature, with children, or in the arms of your spouse. Plenty of mottos are out there, or you can make up your own.

Scripture. Find a Bible verse or passage to meditate on throughout the year and to guide you. There are so many possibilities! You might have one already in mind, look in your Bible for a verse/passage that really fits where you are now, or discover the right option with posts like Top 101 Encouraging Bible Verses to Inspire You | Bible Study Tools.

My One Word

As previously stated, choosing one word is my favorite approach, because it’s simple, broad, and flexible. That said, I actually changed my word a few months into 2025—from open to enough. Open was supposed to guide me to be more open to experiences, but I learned after some helpful sessions with a spiritual coach that what I really needed was to let go of feeling like I had to do All The Things. I needed to remember that sometimes I have done enough, that I am enough, and that when I’m not enough, it’s still okay because God is more than enough.

I embraced my one word so heartily that I got a bracelet with it and haven’t taken it off since I put it on. (Thank you, Etsy.)

Although I will take it off and replace it soon with my word for 2026: serve. Why serve? Because that’s the season I’m in. In the course of this past year, I have:

• Visited my aging, Alzheimer’s stricken mother several times (five hours away)—not sure how much longer she’ll be with us.
• Walked with a dear friend as she made the difficult, but well-warranted, decision to leave her marriage.
• Welcomed my son and his fiancée back to our no-longer-empty nest so they could return to college and avoid debt.
• Traveled to see my sister (three hours away) and sit at her bedside as she recovered from two serious strokes and an emergency brain surgery.

And in 2026, I’ll be caring for my husband for several weeks after a much-needed knee replacement surgery in January and then providing childcare from time to time after my first grandchild is born in February.

It’s a lot, y’all. And I’ve had moments of overwhelm. But then I remember: “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). No one’s asking me to be flogged and die on a cross but simply to be there for my loved ones in need. Not only can I do that, but I can do it with joy.

Though the one-word reminder helps.

What Season Are You In?

Whatever goal-setting approach you use, pause and ask what’s going on in your life? Where do you need to focus? What about your marriage and sexual intimacy? (You knew I’d get to that topic eventually!)

Do you need to invest more time in connection with one another? Better understand your sensuality? Address body image issues?

Do you need to say “enough!” to the mental load and emotional labor you’ve been carrying in your marriage? Set boundaries with your spouse regarding sexual frequency and repertoire? Finally break free from your porn and/or erotica habit?

Do you need to learn better communication skills? Speak each other’s love language more? Increase your sexual savvy?

Do you need to be okay with a lapse in the intimacy you’d love to have, because that’s where your life is right now? (God knows Spock and I haven’t had as much sex as we’d like in the last few months.) Do you need to cast a someday vision of what you want life to be like when you get through your current hardship?

Do you need to go to counseling? (I recommend Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network or Better Help.) Attend a marriage event? (Check out Intimate Covenant’s annual retreat.) Read a book together? (Faves include God, Sex, and Your Marriage by Juli Slattery; Secrets of Sex and Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma; and, of course, my resources.) Take a marriage course? (Such as The Gottman Institute’s Art and Science of Love or Awesome Marriage’s Sex Course, in which I’m a contributor.)

Where are you now? Where do you want to be? And what’s the next step?

Choosing a word, a vision, a plan, etc. can clarify what you truly desire for your life, your marriage, your sexuality, and how to get there.

Are you a goal-setter? What goals do you have for yourself and your marriage in the New Year?

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Those of you outside the United States don’t celebrate this day as we Americans do, but expressing one’s gratefulness for the blessings of life is always a good idea.

Gratitude Beyond the Table

This Thursday, many families will thank God for food, family, friends, jobs, possessions, football games, and more. While you’re at it, why not thank God for your sexuality? I plan to!

Before you worry that I’m going to carve the turkey, sit down with extended relatives, and have a prayer chain that includes me proclaiming, “Thank you, Lord, for my husband’s sexy body and that amazing thing he did last night,” I was thinking about privately thanking God.

Thanking God for the Gift of Sexuality

What about you? Do you ever pause and thank our Creator for the beautiful gift of physical intimacy in marriage? I mean, besides when you might have squealed “Thank you, God!” after a particularly good orgasm.

Have you thanked Him as part of your regular prayer time? Have you expressed your gratefulness for the way He designed man and woman to become husband and wife as one flesh? (See Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-8.) Have you told God how it amazes you that our bodies fit together in this way, that our brains are designed to connect sexuality with emotional bonding, and that this special form of intimacy is reserved for a single individual in your life?

Finding Gratitude Even in Sexual Struggles

Maybe things aren’t going well for you sexually right now. Maybe your marital intimacy isn’t everything it should be or could be. Maybe you are carrying hurts from your past or fears for your future. Maybe you don’t feel that you have much to be thankful for when it comes to your sexuality.

If so, you might begin by simply thanking God for making you a sexual being who can one day, with His help, experience the blessings God reserved for the marriage bed. It is my continual desire that you will learn how much God loves you and that everything He has designed for us is for our best.

A Prayer of Praise for Intimacy

Sex is God’s idea. It is His blessing to husbands and wives. It is His provision for making children, increasing intimacy, and providing pleasure to married couples whom He loves. Take a brief moment this week to thank Him for sex.

I will be praying for you as well—thanking God for your marriages and asking Him to work in your lives to bring about all of the blessings that He has for you.

This post was first published November 24, 2011 and has been edited and updated.

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The above title promises a lot, eh? But the truth is, I can’t make guarantees. A woman’s orgasm is complex, and numerous issues can impact it.

For instance, if she’s dealing with any of the following obstacles, whatever I suggest here may not make a difference:

• Relational conflict
• Sexual trauma in her past
• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Ongoing suppression of her sexuality (often due to poor teaching / modeling)
• Hormonal imbalance

Such issues can be dealt with, but they should be addressed first before adopting some approach or technique to bring a wife to climax.

That said…

Her Climax Matters

You may have read that heading and thought, “Well, yeah.” But studies have recently drawn attention to the orgasm gap between men and women. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.

Not great, Bob.

Yet most husbands I’ve encountered really want their wives to enjoy the sexual experience, including a beautiful climax. And most wives want to get to “I’ll have what she’s having” too.

But it’s not always a simple A-to-B trip to get a wife to climax. You may need a more detailed roadmap to get there. If you want that, read on.

Check Conditions

Before you even get to the bedroom, the likelihood of a woman reaching orgasm is influenced by many factors. Whether she’s the lower or higher desire wife, a wife’s arousal and pleasure depend on such things as:

How safe she feels in the bedroom. Does she feel objectified or valued? Is her husband using pornography or saving his sexual attention for her? Has she healed from past trauma, or does she need more intervention? Does she feel seen as a whole person or mostly as a means to an end?

How well she is physically. Is she experiencing headaches or joint pain? Is she dealing with an injury? Does she have a chronic illness that flares up from time to time? Is she having menstrual cramps or backache?

How depleted she is in her life. Is she exhausted all the time? Does she have sufficient help or support with work, childcare, and other issues? Is she struggling with hormonal issues? Have anxiety, depression, or other mental health conditions taken their toll?

How connected your relationship is. Does she still feel wooed and/or pursued by her husband? Is there genuine friendship underlying the marriage? Has there been a focus on romance, flirtation, and other forms of intimacy?

How in tune she is to her body. Is she comfortable, or at least willing, to think about her erogenous zones / genitalia? Does she appreciate her five senses? Does she believe her body is good as God made it, including her sexuality?

Some of those, a husband can definitely impact. While others may be left to the woman herself to figure out. Though a good husband might be able to point his wife to quality resources to help her in her journey.

Step by Step

Assuming conditions are good, what gets a woman to orgasm? Let’s break it down.

Tease now, please later.

Set the stage, guys. You should create an atmosphere of anticipation. That involves teasing what’s coming later with romantic words and actions.

Now if you do these things solely with the intention of getting sex, a smart woman will sniff that out and snuff it out. Rather, cherish those moments whether they pay off tonight or two weeks from now.

Some options:

• Send her texts expressing your appreciation, desire, or love for her.
• Plan a date night for the two of you. (Dads, book the babysitter too.)
• Buy her that flower bouquet at the grocery store, or if your wife is like me, skip the flowers and choose something else that demonstrates you were thinking of her.

Make sure you have enough time.

Plenty of men can achieve erection quickly, and after that, the average time during intercourse for a man to climax is 5 to 7 minutes. So for many husbands, 10-15 minutes can get it done.

Not so for many wives. One study showed that the average length of foreplay women experienced was 11 minutes, while they really wanted 19 minutes to get really warmed up. And the average time to reach orgasm after intercourse begins is 14 minutes. That is, if she can even get to climax that way. Sixty to 70% of women require additional stimulation, through a hand, mouth, or marital aid, to get to orgasm. But all in all, the event requires a half hour or more.

But hey, that’s okay. Because that study showing wives want 19 minutes of foreplay also showed that husbands want 18 minutes. And they want intercourse to go longer, when possible.

Clear some calendar time so you can savor the lovemaking experience.

Undress for success.

Sometimes, it’s great to just show up naked, ready to romp! But it can also be very sensual to undress your wife or help her out of whatever she’s wearing.

Here’s a good progression to consider:

• Stand back, gaze at your wife, and compliment her beauty.
• Take her hand(s) and close some of the gap between you.
• Work your way from her hand(s) up her arm/sleeve, find the place where her clothing meets skin, and spend some time touching her with your fingers just under the hem.
• Move to another place where her clothing meets her skin (neckline, bottom of her shirt, etc.) and tease there as well.
• Kiss her along the lines of her clothing with slow, soft-lipped caresses. You can also gently use your tongue to trace that area.
• Remove her first piece of clothing. If she has fasteners (buttons, zipper, etc.), slowly open those. If it’s a matter of simply taking off the piece, remove it by inches, touching and kissing her as you do.
• With each item removed, take a moment to breathe, gaze, and appreciate. Let her know that you love her body, just as it is.
• If she wishes to undress you as well, enjoy!

Explore with curiosity.

Think you know all about your wife? Think again. No matter how long you’ve been married, you have more to learn. Not only because we humans are complex, but because your wife’s mind, heart, and body change every few years.

As a woman in her mid-50s, I can say without reservation that what turns me on now isn’t what turned me on 20 or 30 years ago. It’s not a massive difference, but it’s enough that my husband needs to alter his technique to keep hitting the mark. Thankfully, he remains a student of my sexuality (as I do of his, by the way).

Also, what feels good at one time during a woman’s cycle may not feel as good during another part of her cycle. Yeah, I know—we’re complicated. Thus, the need for curiosity!

Imagine you need to memorize your wife’s body and explore with your eyes, hands, and mouth. Since the more sensitive parts of our bodies are on our heads and torso, a good rule of thumb is to move outward in.

Some wives enjoy a foot rub followed by touch and mouth moving up their legs, while other wives would like attention to their hands, arms, and shoulders before moving on. Still others would appreciate having their hair brushed (really!) or their scalp massaged to help them relax before moving into foreplay.

Speaking of which…

Amp up the arousal.

It took us a while to get to the goodies, right? But we’re finally here, where you can engage with the truly erogenous areas of her body. What are those erogenous zones?

A study of 793 men and women—who were in college, but the information is still useful as a starting point—had participants rank how “hot” a spot was on the body (1 to 10 scale). From warm to hottest, here’s how females ranked their erogenous zones:

• Lower back (4.73)
• Ears (5.06)
• Back of neck (6.20)
• Inner thigh (6.70)
• Nipples (7.35)
• Breasts (7.35)
• Nape of neck (7.51)
• Mouth/lips (7.91)
• Vagina (8.40)
• Clitoris (9.17)

Don’t start at the genitals, guys! Maybe start with a lower (and upper) back massage, along with kisses along her ears and neck. Or work your way up to her inner thigh, skip the vagina and clitoris for a bit, and tend to her breasts for a while.

You could also pay attention to that nape of her neck, her breasts and nipples, and/or her mouth and lips. In fact, deep kissing is one of three major moves correlated with women orgasming (see These 3 Actions Could Bring You to Orgasm).

And if your wife doesn’t know what she likes or wants, check out my How To posts and/or listen to our Sex Tips podcast episodes for ideas to try.

Whatever actions you take, you want to turn her on elsewhere so that by the time you touch her vulva (the word for a woman’s external genitalia), she’s ready and even aching for it.

By the way, some wives report that they’re feeling that buildup of pleasure, wanting their husband to keep doing what he’s doing that’s hitting that special spot, and then he changes tactics, and she loses momentum. If your wife says, “Keep going” or “Ooh yes, that,” take her literally and keep doing that thing. If she wants something different, she can let you know.

Remember that 19 minutes women wanted for foreplay? Expect to spend 10–15 minutes on this part. But hey, y’all wanted that time too, right? And hopefully, she’ll be touching you as well on your favorite places!

It’s all about the clitoris.

All orgasms involve the clitoris. Now the part of the clitoris you’re most aware of is likely the glans, or head, which sticks out well above the vagina and swells when aroused. Direct stimulation of that knobby part often helps a woman reach orgasm.

But the clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ that extends on either side of the vaginal opening, and indirect stimulation can also provide pleasure and help a woman come to climax. Indeed, while the vagina itself is sensitive, some of the good feelings from being touched there (with his hand, mouth, penis, or toy) come from pressure on the wishbone arms of the clitoris.

Some wives prefer direct stimulation of that clitoral head that peeks out, while others prefer indirect stimulation. And what she wants may change during the course of a sexual encounter. While it’s all about the clitoris, how to stimulate her clitoris well is up to your wife.

By the way, contact with the clitoral head is not arousing, and may even be irritating, early on in the process or when insufficiently lubricated. So make sure she’s not dry down there but rather has ample moisture—either natural or added lubricant.

Pleasure is the point.

If you aim for orgasm, you may well miss it. Both of you.

In my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, I advise wives that: “Orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sex as much as you possibly can.”

Both husbands and wives can get in their heads too much, seeking that elusive climax, when the real goals should be intimacy and pleasure.

Husbands, don’t worry about getting her to that Big O. Rather, think about what you can do to increase your wife’s enjoyment. By the way, the brilliant Chris Taylor and I did a webinar on that very topic HERE (at $10, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth). Don’t aim for your wife’s orgasm as much as her moment of abandon—that moment when pleasure overtakes her senses and she feels deeply connected to you.

What Is an Orgasm?

How can you know whether your wife experienced an orgasm?

Let’s face it: About half of women have faked orgasms. I have! Not with my husband, but with lovers in my premarital promiscuous past, and I’d bet a Benjamin (aka $100) that none of those guys knew at the time. But one perk of having years of experience with the same partner is feeling things at a more intimate level. Did she just make some noises, or did you feel her vaginal walls contract?

That’s technically what an orgasm is—muscle contractions in the sexual organs. It’s usually accompanied by intense pleasure, but you and she can know it’s happened if her pelvic region spasms. To help wives recognize the feeling, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner have described it as a “pelvic sneeze”—a moment of release after a buildup of tension.

A husband may feel such contractions on his penis or fingers (if inserted into her vagina), notice it happening when nearby (e.g., manual stimulation or oral sex), or recognize it when his wife reacts with moans, gasps, screams, etc. (Women vary in how they vocalize orgasm, but most women make sound.)

The wife having the orgasm may not follow the typical “it’s like fireworks!” explanation. Orgasms can be explosive, but they can also be experienced as deep satisfaction or lighthearted joy. They can empty a woman’s mind or fill her heart. They can feel life-changing or simply good.

Orgasm doesn’t need to be one specific thing. It’s a sweet payoff for her—and you—however she experiences it.

Finish Well

Achieving orgasm isn’t the end of the lovemaking experience, for you or for her. For one thing, some wives may want more. That’s one of the perks of being a woman! We can experience a longer climax or sequential orgasms. But let your wife be the one to decide. At some point, an orgasm or orgasms can feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable.

But if you’re really done, take time for a bit of afterglow. Express appreciation through words of affirmation or affection. Embrace for a few minutes. Clean up together. Take time to pray and thank God for the gift of sex you both enjoyed.

What happens at the end of sex often sets the stage for the next encounter. Because it demonstrates how you feel about the value of intimacy with your wife.

What If She Just … Doesn’t?

Sometimes you can do everything near perfect, and a wife still doesn’t reach climax. It’s not your fault or hers. Bodies sometimes don’t cooperate. (Men of a certain age recognize that truth as well.)

If she wants to keep trying, go for it. Assuming your penis is done for the time being, use your finger(s), mouth, or a vibrator to help her get there. Alternatively, she can stimulate herself while you pleasure her elsewhere with kissing, caressing her breasts, etc.

But if your wife doesn’t want to keep trying, let it go this time. Reassure her that you enjoyed being close and giving her pleasure. Comfort her if she’s feeling disappointed or frustrated. If she wanted to orgasm but couldn’t, she may also blame herself; be sensitive to her feelings and remind her that bodies simply don’t cooperate sometimes and y’all can try again at a future sexual encounter.

You may want to do some things differently next time, but right after sex isn’t the best time for that conversation. Approach that subject later on to see if she has any tips you can incorporate into your next lovemaking session.

If she continues to struggle for a long time, encourage her to see her healthcare provider and/or seek out a counselor to help her process what’s going on. Offer to go with her, but don’t push. She may want to check things out herself first before inviting you into that vulnerable space.

___

That was a lot of info. Don’t worry, you won’t be tested on it. At least not by me. (I can’t speak for your wife! ~grin~) And you needn’t check these notes as you’re engaging in lovemaking. My intention, rather, is to give husbands ideas of how to help their wives reach orgasm.

As always, check these ideas with your wife. She may like some of them better than others. Try out one or two tips one time and other tips another time. Incorporate more as you go. Test and refine. And remain a student of your spouse so that you can adapt to changing desires and bodies.

But do prioritize your wife’s enjoyment in the bedroom. God’s design for sex is mutually desired and satisfying sexual intimacy. In other words, sex is for both of you—including a climax.

Sources Consulted:

•  Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z
• Amanda N Gesselman, Margaret Bennett-Brown, Simon Dubé, Ellen M Kaufman, Jessica T Campbell, Justin R Garcia, The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates, Sexual Medicine, Volume 12, Issue 3, June 2024, qfae042, https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042
• Miller, S. A., & Byers, E. S. (2004). Actual and desired duration of foreplay and intercourse: Discordance and misperceptions within heterosexual couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 41(3), 301–309. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224490409552237
• How Long People Want Sex To Last Versus How Long Sex Actually Lasts – Sex and Psychology
• How long should the ideal sexual intercourse last, according to researchers? | scienceillustrated.com
• How Long Does It Take Women to Climax During Intercourse? | Psychology Today
• Women’s Orgasm Takes Longer During Partnered Sex – ISSM
• How long does it take a woman to reach orgasm? – ISSM
• SMSNA – How Long Does It Take the Average Man to Ejaculate?
• Penner, Clifford, and Joyce Penner. Restoring the pleasure: Complete step-by-step programs to help couples overcome the most common sexual barriers. Nashville, TN: W Publishing Group, an imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2016.

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Not long ago, I received an email from a husband who was beyond weary of the Church not addressing the issue of his sexless marriage. That was hardly the first email I’d received from a frustrated spouse complaining about a lack of wisdom or even compassion they received from church leaders or fellow members for their sexual struggles.

Cue my heart breaking. Because yeah, our hearts should break over the same things that break God’s heart. And since God said such things as “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2) and “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15), we know that He intends for us to help one another in times of strife. James 4:17 expresses it more boldly: “If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.”

We know, or should know, that helping people whose marriages are failing—whether due to communication conflict, financial trouble, or sexual refusal or mistreatment—is good. So whenever we can help, we as fellow Christians ought to do so.

What a Difference a Church Makes

Now the burden does not fall on each individual, but rather the Body of Christ as a whole (see 1 Corinthians 12). And that body is the Church. Yet, here we are—back at the beginning, with the admission that not every church teaches healthy and holy sex in marriage.

But some do. In my now-defunct Facebook group, someone shared this post:

At church my pastor just said from the pulpit “sex is awesome!” I almost burst out in cheers. He’s always so good about talking about sex and not shying away from the topic.
He was teaching on sexual sin and he talked about pornography and having a healthy sexual life in alignment with the Lord.

And it was SO good to hear the message that married sex is good! He always says that married couples need to be having regular sex! …
[[My church leaders] are so good about teaching about sex the right way. I felt like I needed to share how there really are some churches who truly get it!!

How encouraging! Some churches really do step up and speak positively about marital intimacy.

But what if yours doesn’t?

Test the Waters

I don’t know how many church choices you have in your area, but I recommend people look around. Don’t join a church based on a worship experience (how we often choose) but rather what kind of community the church has.

Which involves talking to members and even having private meetings with the pastors and/or elders. Before my husband and I joined our previous church, we asked to speak directly with our elders about our concerns and how they viewed certain issues. They were open to that, we got our answers, and we joined (over a decade ago).

That church’s minister supported classes that addressed sex and encouraged me in my ministry. Plus, we had a counselor on staff who was comfortable talking about sex in marriage as well. So I knew, not based on sermons, but the people in my church what kind of answers someone would get if they approached a leader and reported they were in a sexless marriage or suffering abuse.

After we moved, we began looking for a new congregation, and I made a point of sharing with church leaders about my ministry and watching their reactions. Were they comfortable with the idea that God had something to say about sex? Admittedly, I have an “in” with the ministry I’m engaged in, but it’s fair to ask questions before you commit to a particular community.

Check Their Resources

You can learn a lot about a church’s view of marriage and sexuality by asking what resources they recommend. Do they have an on-site counseling center? Do they help couples seek therapy, through connected resources and/or helping with cost? Do the ministers know about local interventions to address pornography use, healing from trauma, and marriage overall? If there’s a church library, does it include recent books about sexuality from a biblical perspective?

You probably don’t want to pitch all those questions at once, but it’s worth knowing whether your church recognizes the importance of sex in marriage. You can always ask a staff member an open question like “What resources do you have for those addressing marriage struggles?” and see what they say.

However, if they don’t have a lot on hand, that doesn’t mean they’re not open to providing assistance. You might follow up with suggestions and see where that goes. Many churches want to provide more but don’t know where to start. You could be the breakthrough they need.

Look at the Archives

Let’s say you visit a church, and the current sermon series is on prayer. Great topic—one we could all learn more about. But that doesn’t tell you much about whether this pastor and the church support healthy and holy marriage and sexuality.

Do they have archives?

Many churches now have video or audio files of past sermons on their website, on a YouTube channel or Facebook page, or through a podcast. Look at the archives and see if marriage and/or sex have been addressed before. If so, how was it handled? Was mutuality of sexual desire and satisfaction affirmed? Were obstacles to trust and intimacy addressed? Did the sermon hold to simple stereotypes or purity messages, or did it delve into what God’s Word really says about our sexuality?

Ask for Recommendations

There are a handful of cities that, if someone told me they were moving there, I could suggest a church. Not because I necessarily agree with every theological point of that denomination, but I know that pastor is a champion for practicing faith and prioritizing healthy marriage.

But don’t write me for recommendations. Check with folks in your social circle! You may be surprised to discover that a friend of a friend would welcome you into their fold. Or that a preacher you love has spoken at a church where you could find common cause. Asking around might uncover options you hadn’t considered that work well for you.

When someone recommends their church, ask specifically what they love about it. You may or may not prioritize the same things. But you may well find a marriage- and sex-positive church by seeking others’ recommendations.

Listen to Members

The first time or two that you visit a church, you’re unlikely to get beyond small talk with the members there. But go to a Bible class, attend a church potluck, or visit a small group, and you’ll be able to participate in conversations that give you the feel for things. Even listening to what others are saying can help you get a sense of the culture, including the culture around marriage.

For instance, I’ve been around groups of wives talking about having sex with their husbands like it was a terrible burden. Now, I’ve heard from enough women to know that some women should feel that way about the sex in their marriage. But when no one in that circle speaks up in favor of sex as God intended it, that’s a red flag. Again, it may be that they’re entirely open to that viewpoint, and you could speak up for it and find several women who hadn’t spoken up before agreeing with you. But that experience at least tells you something about the current culture of that church.

Meanwhile, in my current church, there has been such beautiful openness among married couples about their struggles and victories. I learned these stories in Bible class, at the annual marriage retreat, and through conversation. I don’t know all the specifics, and don’t need to, but this church gets real about the challenges of marriage and points people to Jesus and helpful resources.

Don’t Give Up

Again, while too many churches have failed in the areas of marriage and sexuality, there are good congregations out there. And churches need those of us willing to speak up biblically and practically about sex.

I hope the tips in this post help. I understand the struggle about finding a church that represents Him on this topic. But please don’t give up on God and His people, because He wants so much more for you. For both of you.

The post How Do I Find a Supportive Church? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

When an author signs a book they’ve written, they typically add a message and then provide their autograph. For my book Intimacy Revealed (soon to be retitled Biblical Intimacy), I write “May God bless your marriage bed!” and then sign “J. Parker.” I’ve long believed that God wants—even longs—to bless the sexual intimacy in our marriage.

Recently, though, I’ve begun to wonder: what if I was wrong?

Does God Want to Bless the Sex in Your Marriage?

That’s what I wrote in several posts, including:

• Is It Okay to Yell at God about Your Marriage? – “You know that God wants to bless your marriage bed, but it hasn’t happened yet.”
• Why Sex Should Be Hot, Holy, and Humorous – “I genuinely believe God wants to bless our marriage beds!”
• How Moms Teach Sexual Integrity – “As a community of mothers, we can make a real difference in teaching our sons and daughters how God wants to bless them with the very best of sexuality in a healthy, godly marriage.”

And when I wrote those words, I believed them 100%.

Especially since I’d grown up with and heard for many (too many) years that God’s approach to our sexuality was primarily judgment rather than blessing. It seemed that God was keeping tabs on us—to see if we’d been pure enough, penitent enough, or restrained enough to warrant a good sex life in our current marriage. Anything short of perfect might mean that God’s blessing would be withheld.

In an effort to shatter that complete and utter myth, I ached for people to know that God wasn’t holding your past sin against you, that He had designed sex in marriage to benefit both husband and wife, that you could embrace this gift of sex according to His design and enjoy deep intimacy with your spouse.

That sounds great, right? And I’m all for it!

In recent years, however, I’ve begun to wonder if I overpromised. Perhaps God’s goal is different from blessing the sex in our marriages.

What Was I Made For?

God created humans with the capacity for sexual desire, engagement, pleasure, and satisfaction. He created us as sexual beings. And His Word demonstrates His plan that most men and women will devote themselves to a covenant relationship called marriage, conceive enough children to “multiply” (Genesis 1:28), and experience deep intimacy that mirrors the connection God wants to have with us.*

But none of that matters if we don’t nail the priority goal: to be transformed into the image of Christ so that we can glorify God forever.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18

We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ. And what if a struggling sex life led you to mature in your faith, to rely on Christ more deeply, to take an eternal, rather than temporal, perspective?

What If I Was Wrong About God Blessing Your Marriage Bed? "We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ."
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As much as I believe that God desires us to embrace His design for marital intimacy, some spouses might not experience that design fully because God wants to teach them something else. Great sex pales in comparison to God’s glory.

*By no means do I discount the beauty of singlehood or couples without children. I’ve benefited directly from these people and honor their contributions to the Church and the intimacy they can have in so many other areas. I’m merely stating that a majority of people will marry and have children.

Why Is Sexual Fulfillment So Hard?

Only a small percentage of married couples I’ve come across have had an easy time regarding sex, and some of those couples will have challenges in the future. Nearly everyone experiences struggles that result in conflict, disappointment, and heartache.

My resources aim to help you get over those humps and come to a far better place in your marriage—one in which you experience what sex can be when it reflects God’s design. I firmly believe that God’s way is the best way to experience that beautiful, Song of Songs worthy stuff.

Yet plenty of times, a couple won’t get there until they deal with underlying issues from their past or present and until God works in other areas of their life. Maybe God wants to bless those marriage beds, but not until these spouses accept His guidance elsewhere. He’s got more work to do with one or both spouses’ spirituality before He’ll bless their sexuality.

Even if they are surrendered spiritually, we live in a broken world. God’s blessings are not fully realized here, and some married couples will always experience challenges like chronic illness, ongoing pain, or a large gap in sexual desire. There’s still biblical wisdom to help these spouses navigate a difficult situation and find intimacy in the chaos. But will they experience what I’ve referred to as God’s original design for sex in marriage? Maybe not.

I wish I could guarantee that everyone who wants healthy and holy sex in their marriage would get there. I’d love for a sexual prosperity gospel to be true! But far more, I trust God’s plans.

And while sometimes those plans involve God’s obvious blessing, sometimes the blessing is more elusive. Sometimes, the blessing is God letting us fail and struggle so that we will seek Him more intently. Sometimes, we don’t get what we should have here on this broken earth, but He knows it’s okay because something much better is coming.

“May God bless your marriage bed”? I still hope that’s true. But my greater longing is that He blesses your life with Himself. His presence is what we all truly need.

You will make known to me the way of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Psalm 16:11 (NASB)

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I can’t tell you the number of times a spouse has contacted me to explain a challenge they’re going through with sex in their marriage and asked for insight on what to do. I don’t feel worthy of how vulnerable and trusting people have been with their stories to me over the years. And I feel the burden of wanting to give them true wisdom that results in hope, breakthroughs, and deep intimacy with their beloved.

But as often as I’m able to answer readers’ questions, I also end up referring and deferring to others with one particular recommendation occurring over and over. What is that slice of advice?

See a Healthcare Provider.

It might be the spouse who writes me or the their mate who needs to see a healthcare provider, but this step is an important one. All too often, there’s a physiological component to sexual difficulties.

Any of the following can diminish or block sexual intimacy:

• Sexual pain or discomfort
• Low testosterone
• Hormonal imbalance
• Heart disease
• Stress
• Poor diet
• Diabetes
• Chronic Illness
• Depression or Anxiety

And there are treatment options to address all of them.

Treating the physiological issue might resolve the sexual difficulties in your marriage, or that aspect might be one of several issues. But even if it’s not the core or primary issue, it’s worth addressing those impediments to sexual interest, pleasure, and satisfaction. From a healthier place, you can then take on other challenges with greater energy and focus.

Make It a Habit.

When’s the last time you had a physical? Ideally, you should have regular visits with your primary care provider to screen for issues and discuss any concerns you have. What constitutes “regular visits”?

• If you’re in your 20s or 30s and healthy, get a physical at least every 3 years.
• If you’re in your 40s and healthy, get a physical every other year.
• If you’re over 50, get a physical every year.
• If you have a preexisting condition or need another issue tracked (e.g., contraception), see your doctor every six months.

Also, be sure to get screened for common problems. Unfortunately, I could tell you a few stories of folks who did not do this and ended up with symptomatic disease that couldn’t be treated nearly as well as if it had been caught early. What are those screenings?

Mental Health Too.

My current primary care provider does a depression/anxiety screening every time I visit. But not every healthcare provider assesses mental health. And mental health often has a physiological component.

Depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders typically involve your brain’s chemistry, and thus affect your sexual desire and experience. If your PCP doesn’t conduct regular screenings, ask for one and/or check out an online assessment, such as the PHQ-9 or SCAARED.

Be especially aware that past or current trauma can impact sexual interest. If you’ve had adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) or adult trauma, seek help.

Your First Step Isn’t the Last.

For some couples, discovering the physiological obstacles to regular and better sex is the key to sexual intimacy in marriage. But for many, it’s the first step. You may discover a physiological cause, but other factors influence your emotional and sexual health. And some may rule out physiological causes—meaning it’s time to consider other issues.

Regardless, seeing a healthcare provider likely isn’t the last step. Even if that’s the issue, you’ll be encouraged to follow up with treatment. Others need to seek additional reasons why sex isn’t happening as well as it should be in their marriage. That could be a long or a short trip, depending on your situation, but it’s worth embarking on the journey.

Many couples have sought help—medical or otherwise—and built beautiful intimacy in their marriage that both spouses desire, enjoy, and feel grateful to have.

Take that first step TODAY.

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

3 John 1:2 (ESV)

The post Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First. appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

“As a Christian counselor, I wholeheartedly endorse this transformative book by J. Parker. She skillfully addresses a crucial yet seldom discussed topic, shedding light on the experiences of higher desire wives. Through her wisdom and personal insights, J. reveals the underlying issues behind mismatched sex drives and reassures readers that they are valuable, beautiful, and not alone. Most importantly, she offers hope through faith, reminding us that with God, all things are possible.”
Kim Kimberling, PhD, CEO, Awesome Marriage

“This is a very needed and welcome book. As a Christian sex therapist, I work with many couples where the wife is the higher desire spouse and there are very few resources for her. I love J.’s humor in delivering hopeful and helpful information about such a sensitive topic. Thank you, J., for your honest, authentic, and researched approach. I look forward to owning a copy and recommending this to many wives.”
Deborah M. Wade, LPC, LMFT, CST, Christian sex therapist at ACTSolutions

“Finally, a book that speaks right into the heart of every Christian wife who loves sex and wants more of it with the man she married. If that’s you, you won’t regret digging into this book. Invest in yourself and your marriage with J. Parker’s life- changing insights. You’re worth it.”
Julie Sibert, Christian author and advocate for healthy sex in marriage, IntimacyInMarriage.com

“We live in a sex- saturated culture where couples are having far less sex. This pattern is having significant consequences on the health of the connection between husbands and wives. In The Higher Desire Wife, J. Parker speaks to an often overlooked aspect of this sexual divide. With practical advice and biblical encouragement, J. helps wives know they are not alone. This book will not only encourage you but also point you in a direction toward better intimacy.”
Kevin A. Thompson, author of Friends, Partners & Lovers

“I hear from many wives who desire more sex and wonder why their husband is not engaging more sexually. J. Parker’s encouraging words help such a wife understand what issues may be underlying the sexual disconnect in her marriage, take ownership for what she can do, and engage in constructive conversations and actions to maximize the intimacy she is longing for while caring for both her heart and her marriage. Practical and uplifting.”
Carol Tanksley, MD, DMin, author of Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not- So- Good Stories about God, Love, and Relationships

“J. Parker has written a cutting- edge primer in the field of healthy sexuality. There are not enough resources for the wife who has a high desire to be sexual with her husband! Thank you, J., for providing this thorough look at all aspects of a marriage with a higher desire wife. You provide hope and healing to a neglected population.”
Bonny Logsdon Burns, APSATS- CPC, ADOH, ACC, restoration coach, author, and speaker, StrongWives.com

“J. finally addresses the one nagging question we hear all the time from higher drive women: ‘What’s wrong with me?’ With the patience and understanding of a woman who’s been there, her clear answers are the sighs of relief that women around the world need to hear.”
Brad and Kate Aldrich, Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network

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