When an author signs a book they’ve written, they typically add a message and then provide their autograph. For my book Intimacy Revealed (soon to be retitled Biblical Intimacy), I write “May God bless your marriage bed!” and then sign “J. Parker.” I’ve long believed that God wants—even longs—to bless the sexual intimacy in our marriage.
Recently, though, I’ve begun to wonder: what if I was wrong?
Does God Want to Bless the Sex in Your Marriage?
That’s what I wrote in several posts, including:
- Is It Okay to Yell at God about Your Marriage? – “You know that God wants to bless your marriage bed, but it hasn’t happened yet.”
- Why Sex Should Be Hot, Holy, and Humorous – “I genuinely believe God wants to bless our marriage beds!”
- How Moms Teach Sexual Integrity – “As a community of mothers, we can make a real difference in teaching our sons and daughters how God wants to bless them with the very best of sexuality in a healthy, godly marriage.”
And when I wrote those words, I believed them 100%.
Especially since I’d grown up with and heard for many (too many) years that God’s approach to our sexuality was primarily judgment rather than blessing. It seemed that God was keeping tabs on us—to see if we’d been pure enough, penitent enough, or restrained enough to warrant a good sex life in our current marriage. Anything short of perfect might mean that God’s blessing would be withheld.
In an effort to shatter that complete and utter myth, I ached for people to know that God wasn’t holding your past sin against you, that He had designed sex in marriage to benefit both husband and wife, that you could embrace this gift of sex according to His design and enjoy deep intimacy with your spouse.
That sounds great, right? And I’m all for it!
In recent years, however, I’ve begun to wonder if I overpromised. Perhaps God’s goal is different from blessing the sex in our marriages.
What Was I Made For?
God created humans with the capacity for sexual desire, engagement, pleasure, and satisfaction. He created us as sexual beings. And His Word demonstrates His plan that most men and women will devote themselves to a covenant relationship called marriage, conceive enough children to “multiply” (Genesis 1:28), and experience deep intimacy that mirrors the connection God wants to have with us.*
But none of that matters if we don’t nail the priority goal: to be transformed into the image of Christ so that we can glorify God forever.
And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18
We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ. And what if a struggling sex life led you to mature in your faith, to rely on Christ more deeply, to take an eternal, rather than temporal, perspective?
What If I Was Wrong About God Blessing Your Marriage Bed? "We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ." Share on XAs much as I believe that God desires us to embrace His design for marital intimacy, some spouses might not experience that design fully because God wants to teach them something else. Great sex pales in comparison to God’s glory.
*By no means do I discount the beauty of singlehood or couples without children. I’ve benefited directly from these people and honor their contributions to the Church and the intimacy they can have in so many other areas. I’m merely stating that a majority of people will marry and have children.
Why Is Sexual Fulfillment So Hard?
Only a small percentage of married couples I’ve come across have had an easy time regarding sex, and some of those couples will have challenges in the future. Nearly everyone experiences struggles that result in conflict, disappointment, and heartache.
My resources aim to help you get over those humps and come to a far better place in your marriage—one in which you experience what sex can be when it reflects God’s design. I firmly believe that God’s way is the best way to experience that beautiful, Song of Songs worthy stuff.
Yet plenty of times, a couple won’t get there until they deal with underlying issues from their past or present and until God works in other areas of their life. Maybe God wants to bless those marriage beds, but not until these spouses accept His guidance elsewhere. He’s got more work to do with one or both spouses’ spirituality before He’ll bless their sexuality.
Even if they are surrendered spiritually, we live in a broken world. God’s blessings are not fully realized here, and some married couples will always experience challenges like chronic illness, ongoing pain, or a large gap in sexual desire. There’s still biblical wisdom to help these spouses navigate a difficult situation and find intimacy in the chaos. But will they experience what I’ve referred to as God’s original design for sex in marriage? Maybe not.
I wish I could guarantee that everyone who wants healthy and holy sex in their marriage would get there. I’d love for a sexual prosperity gospel to be true! But far more, I trust God’s plans.
And while sometimes those plans involve God’s obvious blessing, sometimes the blessing is more elusive. Sometimes, the blessing is God letting us fail and struggle so that we will seek Him more intently. Sometimes, we don’t get what we should have here on this broken earth, but He knows it’s okay because something much better is coming.
“May God bless your marriage bed”? I still hope that’s true. But my greater longing is that He blesses your life with Himself. His presence is what we all truly need.
You will make known to me the way of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.Psalm 16:11 (NASB)
“We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ.”
I am so glad you wrote this today. Sometimes I wonder if our cultural has influenced Christians and put undo emphasis on sex, such as performing sexually with our spouse. I had a goal of having sex 10 times for the year of 2024. We had sex 3 times.
Now I think God is telling me not to place my emphasis on sexual frequency but rather how I share the love of Christ to my wife. By doing this, I will truly become more like Christ. Whether I am blessed now or in eternity, it really does not matter. My relationship with Christ is all that matters.
I’m so sorry for the heartache you’ve experienced, though. I pray that you can find comfort in Christ, but also that your sexual intimacy will (somehow) improve in the future.
It’s all good. God is still God and He is on His throne. I stand by the original statement, God does want His best for us, which includes a close Intimate relationship with our spouse. But He allows us choices. I have an amazing relationship with my wife in every other aspect, so I am blessed. It is a hard thing to give up on, but it is so much easier than when I clung to hope. At least now I can move on, appreciating my wife in other aspects of our relationship. Those aspects don’t mean much, but they are better than nothing.
All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.
I think that’s really the heart of your message. Some deep thoughts here that are worth chewing on a bit. Thanks for sharing.
God’s actions and our actions: God always acts well and cooperates, one might very well put it; but we strive to do that with merely varying results–that is, if we at first decide to strive. Your blog here makes me think that Calvinism emphasizes God’s control and that Armenianism emphasizes that we can cooperate or even resist, that a lot is up to our control, our choices, our decisions. And in taking two to have sex, that makes two parties choosing, deciding, and cooperating. It’s a lot to coordinate. Your blog here emphasizes that there can be so much interference that really good results might well be little attainable sometimes. Some things, alas, never in this life. Seeing that as God’s working in our lives seems to me to be more a matter of what is happening to happen to us, plus what we are choosing to do about it, plus God endeavoring to act. We and God would like it to be as in the garden–what was sex and love like there for Eve and Adam?–but we brought on so much interference. I think we can say that God’s promises are utterly stupendous (and they includes times of utterly extravagant ecstasy as well as times of calm, completely ordinary peace in our lives), and that God’s kingdom begins now–but the extent to which that happens can really, really vary. But we have a lot of choice in the matter–though circumstances sure can hem us in. But little happens unless we choose well and cooperate well in the first place. That makes me extraordinarily, incredibly grateful when things go well–in sex and in all else–and I have been so blessed in our marriage. But not always. But the times when we are blessed? Wow! All that is what makes me trust Jacobus Arminius’s thinking more than Jean Calvin’s. But “What if I were wrong?” That’s a question I *always* try to remember. That’s why we ponder, as the Cowardly Lion did, using his imagination: “If I were king of the forest?” And imagination might be our strongest sex organ. What if this were. . . ?
This is a fascinating take, given that I was raised in an denomination that took the Armenian view, but I’ve wrestled with the Calvinist view more in recent years. I don’t quite fall neatly in either camp these days! But I do believe our cooperation with God matters; that is, that His sovereign will does not interfere with our free will. And I certainly believe that God’s complete will for His children will not happen in this life. Rather, we begin to experience it in the here and now—including such glimpses of deep intimacy when we make beautiful love to our spouse—but the fullness of His glory is for the next life. We can cooperate with God is beginning to restore Eden, but we will only be complete in His presence.
Yes! I agree — and I thank you for your continued efforts to help people! Much appreciated here, I’ll say. (The only little thing I wish for now is that my dashes above hadn’t turned into hyphens — oh, well! No perfection yet, huh?)
J,
Great post! Reading this caused me to reflect on my own sometimes selfish perspective when it comes to sex within the marriage bed with my own wife. When you’re in a virtually sexless marriage it’s very tempting to turn your sexual appetite into an idol, even when its a God-given desire (to quote Calvin, the human heart is an idol factory). This topic also reminds me of that quote by CS Lewis that its not just “starving” men who think about food but also gluttons (using this as an analogy to our sexual appetites). Thanks for providing some spiritual perspective on this matter. Your husband is blessed to have you as a spouse and you’re awesome 🙌.
C.S. Lewis spoke quite well about sex and sexual desire. I loved that statement about starving and gluttonous men. And thanks for your kind words, Matthew. Praying for things in your marriage to change!
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you were not wrong. God does want to bless our marriage intimacy. This is coming from one who has been incredibly disappointed in the turn from a wonderfully close intimacy to feeling like I can no longer let my wife know what I’m thinking, what I desire, or that I want her at all. It is all in her court now. She asked why I couldn’t be satisfied with just sex. It was never just sex, until she asked that question. I understand there are supposed to be chemicals that are activated during intimacy, but sex is pretty empty these days. That doesn’t change God’s desire to bless my marriage and our intimacy. It does mean it takes both of us to set aside our focus on ourselves, instead allowing the other to figure out what they want as well while putting Jesus first. Whether or not it ever feels like it is all that I believe God desires our intimacy to be or not, I can depend on Jesus to guide us through this next stage of life.
I love to hear “you were not wrong.” 😄 I’m not sure about that, but I do love your perspective here. Well said.
The focus is now being taken off the refusing spouse, their sinful and destructive behaviour excused with God “wanting something better for you”.
The sin of refusing is still not addressed.
I have addressed that topic numerous times! It’s been the focus of many blog posts here, and I’ve spent a lot of time and effort encouraging refusing spouses to figure out why they don’t wanna and address those barriers so that they can pursue healthy and holy sexual intimacy in their marriage. I simply cannot address every aspect of sex in every post on my site, because then they’d all be 10,000-word essays. Here I homed in on: (1) God wanting our intimacy with Him even more than our intimacy with our spouse (though He wants that too), and (2) this world is broken and things won’t be perfected until Christ comes again.
But let me take this opportunity to share something important I’ve learned from my own marriage and many others I’ve engaged with in my 14-year ministry in this area: If one spouse approaches the other with a you’re-sinning-so-stop-it attitude, they won’t end up with the intimacy they want. Of course, we should address sin, but our spouse needs to know that we’re on their side in helping them get beyond it and discover a much better way.
Here’s a blog post specifically on the sin of sexual refusal … with a bit of advice for the rejected spouse: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2016/07/18/is-refusing-sex-in-marriage-a-sin/. Also, I do know that it’s painful to be turned down again and again (see https://hotholyhumorous.com/2019/10/15/how-rejected-spouse-feels/).
And one more post that I can recommend: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2020/08/26/are-you-owed-sex-in-marriage/ (Spoiler: My answer is yes, but…)
I am sad that you use the words sinful and destructive behavior only towards the spouse who has chosen not to have sex. Many forget that their own behaviors may have led to the refusing. It is also sinful to use your spouses body and to stamp an obligation message on to sex by calling them sinful for not having sex they don’t want to have. If refusal is happening there is reason. Maybe no pleasure is found during sex, maybe there is pain, maybe there was abuse of some kind, there are reasons. Sex should be mutually wanted, intimate and pleasurable, not just done for the other person, that will lead to a resentment and feeling like an object to be used, not to a healthy marriage.
Hi, J. I really appreciate this post. It’s very insightful, balanced, and most of all biblical. Please let me add, though, for what it’s worth, that there’s nothing the least bit un-Calvinist in what you wrote or regarding the idea of cooperating with God in our growing in Christ. We Calvinist understand that our regeneration (new birth) and the justification by faith that follows is a sovereign monergistic work of God’s Grace—that is, God alone works those graces in us and for us. But our sanctification is a synergistic work—we grow in Christ only as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit day by day. This is what every Calvinist theologian has taught. Of course, I do have to add that Calvinists also believe that the Holy Spirit so works in the hearts of believers that they will inevitably (though imperfectly) so cooperate because, as Paul writes in Philippians 2, he “works in us both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”
Thanks for the clarification!
Brilliantly put as ever! And, As Corrie Ten Boom put it, this life prepares us for the next one (from my memory…she said it much better 🙂)
As Christians our goal should always be to become more Christlike. And that will mean good and bad stuff happening to us and around us (Corrie Ten Boom’s life, for example)
It can, of course, be redeemed by God if we allow Him. And all of those [good and bad] things can be used to make us more Christlike – if we allow Him.
I’d go on to argue that the stuff that goes wrong is more likely to point us to Jesus, than the good stuff. Not because it can’t, but because we like sheep have gone astray. And, like sheep, are equally stubborn!
We focus on the issue, rather than God wanting to draw us ever closer to Him.
Thanks, Andy! Well said.
You’re welcome.
I can remember thinking a long the lines of: this is not what I was promised before I got married. I was told in church as a young man that if I did thingd God’s way I would have an awesome sex life as God rewarded my hard work. I stayed pure through high school and four years in the Navy. Then found and married the other half of my soul, and our relationship was awesome except in the bedroom. She wanted nothing to do with me, and I can remember nights of lying awake next to her trembling and screaming to God that this is not how it was supposed to be. Our sex life, let’s just say for the first six years was pathetic, two maybe three times a month. Looking back I am so glad we waited for marriage before sex so our relationship wasn’t based on sex. But beginning at about year six, things changed. The birth control pill was finally out of her system, her libido improved and now twenty one years later I have a wife that wants to have sex with me as much as I want it from her.
One of the most important books I’ve read in the last few years was THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON BIRTH CONTROL by Sarah E. Hill. She did a fabulous job of addressing the concerns of hormonal birth control without being alarmist. I’m so glad y’all figured things out! And if anyone else wants to know what the big deal is: https://amzn.to/3Ce1ZNe
I don’t have comments on this article but I find it interesting that this book is out there…I think it’s scary that women can order birth control through the mail now, without ever talking to a doctor and being informed of the tradeoffs – i.e., it’s more than a matter of, “take this pill and you can have all the sex you want without getting pregnant.” I was on the pill for 7 years, from a little before I got married until I finished graduate school; and even though I saw an RN for an exam once per year there were still things I wasn’t told, possibly because they weren’t known then. But I wonder looking back how it might have stunted my productivity and might still be affecting me all these years later.
Oh I know, now. At the time there wasn’t very many resources on the subject of what the birth control pill did to a woman’s libedo. My wife and I are educating our children so they don’t go through the same thing we did.
I am a little late to commenting on this, but thank you. This is a very meaningful post.
I have chafed (and complained in posts here) so much about the assumption that I see in so much Christian literature: that God will “bless” us with improved sex lives if we are just patient and hard-working enough. I understand that most people do need encouragement and tips. And it’s hard to write “well maybe nothing will change; too bad for you.” But my wife and I are coming up on thirty years of marriage and trying to get our sex life to lift off, without much improvement. I’ve scoured and read everything I can and tried to talk and listen as much as possible; but every time I think we’ve found and addressed “the cause,” there’s always a new one underneath.
So while I’m happy for those that are able to experience a marked improvement, I can let myself get angrier and angrier at those (not you, J) who do seem to push a “sexual prosperity gospel” that just makes me feel like an ineffective loser for not yet figuring out the magic solution to the “blessing” that I am _entitled_ to. I have frankly often found secular literature on sex a lot more helpful, because it does not come with a “blessing” framing that assumes things _can_ get better or that we’re all entitled to good/great sex; it’s often more matter-of-fact and realistic that sometimes nothing will change.
We inevitably take “blessing” to mean “more/better/abundance” of the things we want. But as your post wisely says, God gives us different sex lives for different reasons, and the real blessing may be the spiritual growth that comes from whatever we receive.
I also don’t think you were entirely wrong; God does work to improve our sex lives…just not always. And you have always been a much more sensitive writer and commenter than many of your peers out there. So thank you for this reframing, and thank you for all the work you have done and continue to do.
Thanks, Bill. And I’m sorry that y’all have gone through that difficult journey. I pray that God will bless you, maybe not in the way that you want in that area, but in many other ways that demonstrate His love and faithfulness.