I am giddy with delight! For the last several weeks, I have welcomed husbands (and one single guy) to guest post on what they wish women knew about sexuality. Today is the last day of this series, and I asked my husband to add his two cents to the conversation. Convincing him may have involved some cajoling and some nudity, but he finally agreed.
For those wondering about the title Spock Speaks, sometime ago I introduced my husband with the pet name of “Spock.” Why? Because if you want to picture his personality, imagine a Vulcan.
He’s not Mr. Romantic or Mr. Talkative, but he is a fabulous husband and has grown with me through the years into a relationship of trust and intimacy. Oddly enough, whenever I take those “Which Star Trek character are you?” quizzes, my results always come up as Captain Kirk, and since Kirk and Spock are best friends and work well together, I think I did pretty good with my hubby choice.
And now we boldly go where no one has gone before . . . to my husband speaking on my blog. Given our personality types, we opted for interview style. Going forward, his answers are in bold.
What did you expect regarding sex going into our marriage?
What was the biggest surprise about our marital sex life?
Um, cannot really think of a surprise. Entertaining that it was very creative.
“Creative” in what way?
Different positions, different approaches. I knew you enjoyed having sex and were a willing participant.
When was our sex life the worst?
After [our first child] was born.
What was so bad about it?
It was non-existent. (Mostly true.)
How did that make you feel about us and yourself then?
Made me feel very frustrated. I felt that there was something not quite right about what was going on with your body, and you weren’t doing anything about it.
I (J) learned some lessons; see When My Sex Life Sucked, Part 1 and Part 2.
What have you learned about God’s gift of sex through our marriage?
I don’t so much think of it as learning something new as better understanding how unifying it is, how it brings the two together to feel as one, to be closer together.
What does having a satisfying sex life in your marriage mean to you?
Means I have a satisfying sex life. (See what I mean . . . Mr. Logical.) Which means I don’t carry a lot of frustrations that go with an unsatisfying sex life.
What is it like to have a wife who obviously enjoys sex and pursues it?
Much better than the alternatives.
What do you hope to teach our kids about sexuality?
First, and probably foremost, is that it’s meant to be mutually enjoyable to the two who make a lifetime commitment to it. Always remember it’s about mutual enjoyment, not personal enjoyment; therefore, warm her up before you go to the races.
After this comment, I responded to my beloved, “And now we wives have been compared to horses.” To which my classy guy retorted with a cocky grin, “Ridden hard and put away wet.” *BIG EYE ROLL* Good thing I have a sense of humor!
How do you wish churches would deal with the issue of sex?
Historically, I feel that churches have been much like the Sadducees and Pharisees — quick to condemn sexual activities, slow to praise enjoyable sexual activities. Now sex is meant to be an intimate experience between a husband and wife, so to the extent that a church gets involved in it, it should be in the form of counseling couples to develop healthy sexual relationships.
What do you think husbands want wives to know about sexuality in marriage?
Sexuality is a gift from God meant to unite and strengthen the relationship of a man and woman. To strengthen that relationship, each must hunger for and feel bonded by sexual intimacy. The man wants the woman to understand this as much as he does, and to train her mind, her body, and her heart to experience it as strongly as the man does.
What do you think about your wife blogging about Christian sexuality?
I think it’s something she was born to do; she serves God’s purpose.
Anything else you want to say to me or my blog readers?
I love you, J.
And go hug somebody; it’ll make you feel great. (He ripped off that last line from some weatherman’s sign-off, but it’s still good advice.)
That’s it! My husband, ladies and gentleman.
Now do you have any questions for J’s hubby? (I may need some more leverage to get him to answer, but I’ll try.)
18 thoughts on “Spock Speaks: An Interview with My Husband”
Great interview. It is nice to see what the man behind the fabulous woman has to say about things. And his answers sound a lot like my also logical husband. I think the saying of “it gets better with age” really does apply to marital sex and the interview shows that you guys have had ups and downs as all marriages doe and continue to get better. After the birth of our two kids I know that was our worst time in our sex life. It is blogs like this that will help others in that time of their lives to learn what many of us learned the hard way. Thanks for the interview and all your posts. You do an awesome job, J! Keep up the great work you do in God’s name.
“Ridden hard and put away wet.” Hilarious!
Great insights MR. Hot Holy Humorous! Glad J tied you up to get these answers out of you. She did tie you up, right?
And I quote from Mr. Spock: “Yes, and I wanted it to be horizontal!” (He thinks he’s the funny one.)
First of all, just want to say a big THANK YOU for being willing to share with us, Mr. Spock. I know I’m always very interested in hearing the minds of men.
My question for you is, seeing as how you are so logically oriented, how do you “warm up” J? There is no on/off switch, so I must deduce that you recognize her need for non-sexual emotional connection and maybe even, *gasp*, occasional romance. And that sounds like it’s not a natural course of action for your personality type. I guess what I’m asking is, was that a difficult thing for you to decide to do & act on, or did you just see the importance and recognize your differences and live happily ever after? (Is that a happy ending…?) 😉
Funny thing, Janelle, that romance. Cannot say as I’m any good at it–don’t much understand it. I do understand non-sexual emotional connection, though…being there to comfort someone at a time of loss…enabling and cheering them on as they pursue an important personal goal…celebrating in their achievements….. All these and other things, like vacuuming or cooking dinner, contribute to that proverbial love bank. It’s a one another thing, not a me, myself and I thing. Figure that part out, and the rest is easy.
I very much enjoy adventurous romances: movies like Romancing the Stone, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Princess Bride; and even some less adventurous ones, like When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle. Yet, at the time these couples were getting to know one another, did they treat each other in romantic ways (roses, love songs, poems, . . )?
I believe it rare indeed that such romance truly precedes a good marriage. For me, the romance that lasts is a slow, gentle and ever warming thing that grows over time. There are various books out there, like His Needs, Her Needs and The 5 Love Languages. They have reasoned approaches to creating a more loving marriage. Funny thing, though, romance almost always plays a supporting role.
All that said, Janelle, I’m not knocking romance of the roses and poetry kind. For some, men and women alike, it may be a very important love language. And when they come together, more power to them!
Note from J: I love those adventurous, romantic movies too…except for Princess Bride, which I despised. (And now, let the hate mail begin.)
We have 6 kids (going on 7!) and postpartum is always a huge struggle. I have been a hot tamale during most of my pregnancies and hubby gets used to all the buttons being lit up and easy to push. After birth, your hormones go to complete crap and EVERYTHING changes. Four months after the birth of my last baby, I finally had a little nervous breakdown and told hubby, “I don’t mind being the service station on occasion, but up the effort level, dude, because this is getting OLD!” Things got much better after that. We were both more mindful and plugged into the relationship and not just getting things done to get by.
I’m 17 weeks with baby #7. (!) We’ve already discussed developing a more proactive and mindful approach to relearning our relationship during the newborn and infant months.
Oh, and I’m also laughing my butt off at the horse analogy. I deal with women (and couples) all around me that have horrible views on sexuality and marriage and have little appreciation for the beauty of how men are made. I think that comment is just plain adorable. High five to you both. 😀
Rosa, thank you for saying that men have beauty in the way they’re made!
You are sincerely welcome. I didn’t always think that way. It was definitely a process as our marriage grew in that first decade. Once I had that paradigm shift, however, I can look around me and see/sense when a guy isn’t content in his marriage. I really just want to go give him a big hug- I have SO much compassion for it. (I don’t, of course. That would inappropriate. :P)
So great to read this interview. Thanks for sharing!
It was great to finally hear from you, Mr. Spock! I literally laughed out loud at the horse comment, so much so that my (almost)3 year old asked me what was so funny! 🙂 I, like Rosa, have had a tough time postpartum. Now that I’m pregnant with number 2, due in 9 weeks, I’ve already discussed with my husband the struggles that I had last time postpartum and things we can do to hopefully make it an easier transition. I thoroughly enjoyed getting this insight in Mr. J’s mind 🙂
Hmmm…I love this quote from your husband!
“Ridden hard and put away wet.”
“Historically, I feel that churches have been much like the Sadducees and Pharisees—quick to condemn sexual activities, slow to praise enjoyable sexual activities. Now sex is meant to be an intimate experience between a husband and wife, so to the extent that a church gets involved in it, it should be in the form of counseling couples to develop healthy sexual relationships.”
Very true (great point about the Sadducees and Pharisees!), but it’s not just a message that needs to reach adults. Our young people (read: even grade school and kindergarten) are being aggressively targeted with all the wrong messages about sex whether parents like it or not…the church has no choice but to appropriately and boldly stand for the truth and speak out on this for all ages.
“Ridden hard and put away wet” is a derrogatory term where I live. It means using a woman hard (even abusive) and leaving her with your semen and nothing more. It is often a phrase used to describe a woman who dresses and acts trashy and looks tired and dirty.
However, if ascribed to the marriage bed, I can see where some would get a giggle out of it. For me, I’ve heard it used in the negative so many times, it’s vulgar to me. And yes, there were times in my marriage when my husband would ride me hard and put me away wet with no regard for my feelings, needs or wants. Thank God we’re past that now! Hopefully, it won’t be long before I can trust him to occassionally ride me hard and put me away wet (in a more loving, I need your body now because you are just so hot to me way).
Anyhow, it is always nice to get a good, Christian, married guy’s perspective on the marriage bed, so thank you.
Yes, it is normally a derogatory phrase. But you are right in suggesting that within my very loving relationship with my husband (in which he has demonstrated great care for me in the bedroom), his tongue-in-cheek use of this saying was considered humorous by us both. If he meant it for real and treated me as such, I sure wouldn’t be writing this blog.
Wow, I could have written his responses verbatim.
Give my regards to your wife! 🙂
I don’t get The Princess Bride. No hate here woman 🙂
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