Tag Archives: Bonny’s Oyster Bed

Stop Blaming God for Your Low Sex Drive

One of my most shared posts is 8 Things I’d Say About Sex If I Had No Filter (Heaven Help Us All). In the same vein, I’m telling it like it is today.

I get a bit weary of seeing email and posts in which people blame God for their way-too-low sex drive. It usually goes something like this: One spouse announces to the other that they need to get over their objections to their very-low libido with “God made me this way.”

Stop it. Just stop blaming God for a sex drive that isn’t in line with His design for sexual intimacy in marriage. If your sex drive is keeping you from engaging in healthy sexual intimacy in your marriage, that’s on you, not God.

Stop Blaming God for Your Low Sex Drive

Now I’m not saying that those who struggle with libido are terrible people and we should throw stones and blame at them. Of course not! Some have very good reasons why getting in the mood and engaging in sex with their spouses is a struggle. If you have a terrible sexual history, abuse in your background, hormonal deficits, absolute exhaustion, or other issues, it’s not surprising that your libido isn’t what it could be.

But God didn’t make you that way. He made you as a beautiful person, a sexual being, a person worth pursuing in the marital bedroom. He made you to experience pleasure and ecstasy and intimacy. He made you to enjoy the gift of sexual intimacy He provided for marriage.

If that’s not happening, the answer isn’t to blame His workmanship. Instead, consider what He desires for you to have instead.

Look for answers to why your body, your mind, and your spirit are not cooperating. Be intentional and persistent about finding out why sexual intimacy is a struggle for you. Be honest with your spouse about what you feel and enlist their help in figuring it out.

I’m not going to tell you to Just Do It every time — because I think that advice misses what God really intends. He isn’t solely concerned about your higher-drive spouse getting their sexual needs met. You also wants you to experience the physical pleasure and intimacy that He created for the marriage bed. He wants you to enjoy the full feast of delights in your marriage.

“Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” Song of Songs 5:1 (ESV)

Some spouses find ways to remove the obstacles and awaken their latent libido. Others never experience an independent desire to make love but learn to awaken their love in the arms of their beloved. Regardless, please make it a goal to discover how your body can work in tandem with God’s design for intimacy in your marriage.

Don’t blame God — discover what He longs for your marriage to have. And then pursue it.

One place to start is my devotional book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. Other low-drive resources for wives include Bonny’s Oyster Bed and The Forgiven Wife.

Help for Low Libido Wives!

I know a lot of writers.

It’s just where I am at this point, writing fiction and about Christian intimacy. Usually, I get to know someone personally before I ever open up a book they’ve written. Frankly, it’s so hard when you like someone a lot, but you don’t like their book. I mean, what do you say?!

So when Bonny Logsdon Burns of Bonny’s Oyster Bed wrote a resource specifically for low libido wives, I was a little nervous. I really like Bonny! I thought please, let me like her book!

I shouldn’t have worried in the least. Bonny did a bang-up job with Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation. It’s easy-breezy to recommend this fabulous resource to my readers!

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In case you’re wondering why:

1. Saturated in Scripture. Bring on the biblical foundation! It’s all here. Bonny reaches deep into the Word of God as her compass in enlightening readers about sexuality in marriage. Some verses are specific to marriage and intimacy, while plenty of others are about Christian principles that carry over into how we view the Creator of sex, ourselves, and our marriages. I adore this important focus in Unlock Your Libido.

2. Wisdom from Someone Who Knows. Bonny’s been there, done that, so to speak. She understands what it’s like to be a wife with a lower sex drive, but she also has a testimony of awakening her libido. Since she’s been in those trenches, she has practical, field-tested advice for wives who don’t desire sex much. There’s no standing-on-a-soapbox, but rather a heart and a hand to help you on your journey to becoming a more sex-positive wife.

3. Positive Self-Talk. Want to know something with a really good track record of effecting positive change in your life? Changing your self-talk. Research and testimonies are clear on this one. But sometimes we read a book, agree with it, but don’t take any actions for those truths to soak in. In Unlock Your Libido, Bonny gives a positive affirmation for each week you can practice and use to combat the enemy’s lies and replace them with godly truth. Working on that little action won’t take long each day, but over time it can make a big difference.

Bonny understands that the goal for a low-drive wife shouldn’t be getting her to “fulfill her duty” and surrender herself to her husband. That’s not what God had in mind when He designed sex for marriage! Rather, the hope is to awaken, or unlock, your libido — learn how sex can be good for you, increase intimacy in your marriage, and become something you look forward to and enjoy. Sex is also for you.

I’d love to give away a copy of this important resource to every low-libido wife, but of course that’s impractical (not to mention I’d get into huge trouble with the hubby for that unexpected expense!). So I’m going to encourage you to grab your copy now! But I’ll go ahead and give away one copy to a commenter below.

Bonny Lodgson BurnsBonny Logsdon Burns writes to encourage the low libido wife at www.OysterBed7.com. She is passionate about empowering and equipping hurting women through God’s Word and practical tools. She and her husband, David, are candid about their struggles and victories. They have three sons, like to try new foods, and dance to their own music. (You can also find her on Twitter and Facebook.)

 

Comment below for a chance to win Unlock Your Libido, and go check out the resource for yourself! (Be sure to include your email address, but you can choose whatever name or nickname you wish to show up on the site.)

5 Ways to Unlock Your Libido

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A lot of wives struggle with a lower libido than their husbands. If that’s you, I highly recommend you follow Bonny’s Oyster Bed, a Christian marriage blog dedicated to such wives. To give you a taste of what Bonny offers, read on for 5 ways to unlock your libido. (And be sure to check out the fabulous resource she’s recently introduced!)

Take it away, Bonny!

~ ♥ ~

Consistent, satisfying sexual intimacy is possible in spite of struggling with low physical sex drive.

After my husband and I had worked on our marriage and improved the frequency of our sexual relationship, I realized that I still had one challenge to address: my low libido.

I scoured ideas to help ramp up my physical sensation. There was a bit of success in the physical realm.

My biggest ah-ha moment was when I discovered low-libido wives can be high drive when desiring to emotionally and spiritually connect with their husband’s through sexual intimacy.

I may not always have a zing running through my veins when my husband and I start to engage, but I always have a zing in my heart for connecting with him in a way that has ended up being meaningful for both of us!

Low libido is not a permanent condition. If you are a low drive wife, there is much hope.

Key opening door to bedroomHere are five thoughts to help unlock your libido:

Embrace God’s view of sexual intimacy. 

Bible verses I’d read about sinful sexual immorality leaked into my thoughts about marital sexuality. Sex within marriage isn’t dirty or wrong. Although slippery and messy at times, it’s perfectly God approved!

Satan likes to create a false notion that sex is all about the physical climax. Yes, orgasm is really really nice, but it is not the whole of sexual intimacy.

In my ice princess days, I only saw my husband’s pursuit of me as one dimensional. All he wanted was a place for physical relief. God showed me that sexual intimacy is my husband’s most intimate conversation. Sexual intimacy seals an emotional and spiritual bond that was created by God for marriage.

Pray

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6, NIV).

God truly cares for all areas of your life, especially your marital sexuality. Thriving sexual intimacy keeps many forms of temptation at bay for both of you.

God designed sex and it’s okay to pray about your marriage bed!

Expect God to show you things. 

I’m not discounting God’s abilities to perform miracles. However, I found that my low-libido was a place where he was nurturing maturity. I couldn’t just wish for a little more oomph in the sexual craving department. I had to actively seek through prayer and action. I had to follow God’s lead when he showed me resources and tools. Expect God to show you things!

You are perfectly normal.

There’s nothing wrong with you if you are low drive! Yes, you may want to have a full physical work-up to check hormone levels and general health, but you are not tainted in some way or being punished for having a low drive.

Every marriage is different. Every season in marriage is different. Who knows? You may have an upcoming season of life where you and your spouse desire equally or you may even be the higher drive spouse. 

Don’t compare your experience with anything you read or see (TV or movies). How lovemaking unfolds between you and your husband is going to be unique and normal for the two of you. Great moments in lovemaking can be quiet, calm or klutzy. The klutzy spells usually become priceless inside jokes with your husband. 

Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman.

Open your heart to see that sexual intimacy is an asset to your marriage and to you personally, not just your husband.

Give yourself permission to BELIEVE your husband when he says you’re beautiful, in form and face.

Give yourself permission to let go of worries and just be in the moment, concentrating on the physical sensations of your husband’s touch.

Open your heart to the possibility of seeing yourself warm with desire as the Shulamite wife in the Song of Solomon. “….It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6). Okay, a blazing fire might seem optimistic, but just open yourself up to a firm maybe.

Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman. It’s okay to look inside yourself and contemplate your physical, emotional and spiritual sensations. It’s okay to want to fire up the old cravings of first romance. It’s okay to have sexual feelings!

This doesn’t mean all of a sudden you’re installing a pole in your bedroom. This just means you are willing to have faith in God’s design. He designed marriage to include sexual intimacy. It’s how he made marriage different and more bonded than any other relationship on earth.

Final thoughts

You may think all problems in your marriage need to be fixed before you can even consider bolstering your sexual activities.

I used to think this way, too. However, that logic is wrong. You really can work on re-connecting through sexual intimacy as you work on other problems. I even think it helps the healing process. I’m here to attest that this is true.

Not all wives are the low-drive spouse. I think much of what is written here can be applied to the low-drive spouse, no matter which gender. Marriages I refer to here are generally good-willed. If there is any kind of abuse, please seek guidance through a Christian marriage counselor.

Would you like to read more ideas on how to Unlock Your Libido?

Although not a Bible study, Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation is an ebook based on scripture, a bit of science, and my own journey. It’s a simple method that may have profound results.

~ ♥ ~

You can see why I wanted to have Bonny on my blog! She speaks so well to wives with sex drive challenges. I encourage you to check out Unlock Your Libido and her blog, Bonny’s Oyster Bed.

Bonny Lodgson BurnsHi! I’m Bonny Logsdon Burns. I write to encourage the low libido wife at www.OysterBed7.com. I am passionate about empowering and equipping hurting women through God’s Word and practical tools. I live in coastal Wilmington, NC. I’m currently completing a Christian Counseling course. My husband, David, and I are candid about our struggles and victories. We have three sons. My favorite thing to do is laugh at Dave’s corny jokes. We like to try new foods and dance to our own music. (You can also find me on Twitter and Facebook.)