A lot of wives struggle with a lower libido than their husbands. If that’s you, I highly recommend you follow Bonny’s Oyster Bed, a Christian marriage blog dedicated to such wives. To give you a taste of what Bonny offers, read on for 5 ways to unlock your libido. (And be sure to check out the fabulous resource she’s recently introduced!)
Take it away, Bonny!
~ ♥ ~
Consistent, satisfying sexual intimacy is possible in spite of struggling with low physical sex drive.
After my husband and I had worked on our marriage and improved the frequency of our sexual relationship, I realized that I still had one challenge to address: my low libido.
I scoured ideas to help ramp up my physical sensation. There was a bit of success in the physical realm.
My biggest ah-ha moment was when I discovered low-libido wives can be high drive when desiring to emotionally and spiritually connect with their husband’s through sexual intimacy.
I may not always have a zing running through my veins when my husband and I start to engage, but I always have a zing in my heart for connecting with him in a way that has ended up being meaningful for both of us!
Low libido is not a permanent condition. If you are a low drive wife, there is much hope.
Here are five thoughts to help unlock your libido:
Embrace God’s view of sexual intimacy.
Bible verses I’d read about sinful sexual immorality leaked into my thoughts about marital sexuality. Sex within marriage isn’t dirty or wrong. Although slippery and messy at times, it’s perfectly God approved!
Satan likes to create a false notion that sex is all about the physical climax. Yes, orgasm is really really nice, but it is not the whole of sexual intimacy.
In my ice princess days, I only saw my husband’s pursuit of me as one dimensional. All he wanted was a place for physical relief. God showed me that sexual intimacy is my husband’s most intimate conversation. Sexual intimacy seals an emotional and spiritual bond that was created by God for marriage.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6, NIV).
God truly cares for all areas of your life, especially your marital sexuality. Thriving sexual intimacy keeps many forms of temptation at bay for both of you.
God designed sex and it’s okay to pray about your marriage bed!
Expect God to show you things.
I’m not discounting God’s abilities to perform miracles. However, I found that my low-libido was a place where he was nurturing maturity. I couldn’t just wish for a little more oomph in the sexual craving department. I had to actively seek through prayer and action. I had to follow God’s lead when he showed me resources and tools. Expect God to show you things!
You are perfectly normal.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you are low drive! Yes, you may want to have a full physical work-up to check hormone levels and general health, but you are not tainted in some way or being punished for having a low drive.
Every marriage is different. Every season in marriage is different. Who knows? You may have an upcoming season of life where you and your spouse desire equally or you may even be the higher drive spouse.
Don’t compare your experience with anything you read or see (TV or movies). How lovemaking unfolds between you and your husband is going to be unique and normal for the two of you. Great moments in lovemaking can be quiet, calm or klutzy. The klutzy spells usually become priceless inside jokes with your husband.
Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman.
Open your heart to see that sexual intimacy is an asset to your marriage and to you personally, not just your husband.
Give yourself permission to BELIEVE your husband when he says you’re beautiful, in form and face.
Give yourself permission to let go of worries and just be in the moment, concentrating on the physical sensations of your husband’s touch.
Open your heart to the possibility of seeing yourself warm with desire as the Shulamite wife in the Song of Solomon. “….It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6). Okay, a blazing fire might seem optimistic, but just open yourself up to a firm maybe.
Give yourself permission to be a sensual woman. It’s okay to look inside yourself and contemplate your physical, emotional and spiritual sensations. It’s okay to want to fire up the old cravings of first romance. It’s okay to have sexual feelings!
This doesn’t mean all of a sudden you’re installing a pole in your bedroom. This just means you are willing to have faith in God’s design. He designed marriage to include sexual intimacy. It’s how he made marriage different and more bonded than any other relationship on earth.
You may think all problems in your marriage need to be fixed before you can even consider bolstering your sexual activities.
I used to think this way, too. However, that logic is wrong. You really can work on re-connecting through sexual intimacy as you work on other problems. I even think it helps the healing process. I’m here to attest that this is true.
Not all wives are the low-drive spouse. I think much of what is written here can be applied to the low-drive spouse, no matter which gender. Marriages I refer to here are generally good-willed. If there is any kind of abuse, please seek guidance through a Christian marriage counselor.
Would you like to read more ideas on how to Unlock Your Libido?
Although not a Bible study, Unlock Your Libido: 52-Week Sex Drive Transformation is an ebook based on scripture, a bit of science, and my own journey. It’s a simple method that may have profound results.
~ ♥ ~
You can see why I wanted to have Bonny on my blog! She speaks so well to wives with sex drive challenges. I encourage you to check out Unlock Your Libido and her blog, Bonny’s Oyster Bed.
Hi! I’m Bonny Logsdon Burns. I write to encourage the low libido wife at www.OysterBed7.com. I am passionate about empowering and equipping hurting women through God’s Word and practical tools. I live in coastal Wilmington, NC. I’m currently completing a Christian Counseling course. My husband, David, and I are candid about our struggles and victories. We have three sons. My favorite thing to do is laugh at Dave’s corny jokes. We like to try new foods and dance to our own music. (You can also find me on Twitter and Facebook.)
3 thoughts on “5 Ways to Unlock Your Libido”
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I completely agree with you on all points.
But I bet most women, and most church leadership, would completely disagree with this statement:
“desiring to emotionally and spiritually connect with their husband’s through sexual intimacy”
I believe most would say, “I can’t be sexual until I have that emotional and spiritual connection!” So they limit, abstain, or outright refuse sexual connection until the emotional and spirtitual is “taken care of first!” Little do they know that they are sabotaging the very thing that they want.
Am I saying sex first then emotional/spirtitual? No – but emotional/spirtitual first then sex is wrong as well. You are not dating. You are not going thru premarital counseling. You are married. Sex is a part of it. So is emotional/spiritual. If you deny one, you deny the others.
Hi – I came here from a link in Journey to Surrender. I’m a marriage blogger, myself.
This is a great post; there is one thing I would add, for a situation like mine…
I’m terminally ill, and physical touch causes pain, so my wife has “turned off” the physical relationship to avoid hurting me. This expanded to a separate-bedroom lifestyle.
She does not realize, and would not hear when I told her, that rejection was far worse than any physical pain.
It’s too late now. I’ve acclimated, and will never ask again. I’ve changed, and all my energy is now in the fight in which I find myself. Perhaps it’s better this way; perhaps I’m more effective in the fight for survival, not distracted by softness.
But I’m a statistical outlier; as a former SF operator and paramilitary, I actually ENJOY fighting the disease that’s killing me. It’s one more challenge, one more enemy to kill. I’m OK with a dead libido, because it’s what I was built for. I’m a fighter, not a lover.
For almost anyone else, the lack of physical closeness and comfort would be hell.
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