Tag Archives: getting naked with your spouse

Q&A with J: How Can I Feel More Free Around His Naked Body?

Today’s question is from a wife who doesn’t struggle with her husband seeing her naked. But she struggles with seeing him naked.

hi, soon I’ll be celebrating fifth anniversary with the most amazing husband I could ever wish for…. When we got married, I was a virgin, but it wasn’t hard for me to let my husband see me, explore me and to make love in the daylight. It still isn’t. But it was hard to see him naked and to be brave enough to explore his body. I feel more awkward seeing him, than letting him see me. Although it’s getting easier (and I like and love my husband a lot), I still prefer him to have his underwear on until the last minute before intercourse. I would love to change that and get used to him touching me not only with his hands but his penis also while preparing for intercourse. As I told – he is awesome, so he is totally okay with it, but still I’d love to feel more free around his naked body. Any suggestions where to start? 🙂

Q&A with J: How Can I Feel More Free Around His Naked Body?

This is a truly serious subject, but I can’t help myself from imagining a wildlife program with the announcer saying: “And here we find the male form in its natural habitat, a wild and untamed thing. While some females of the species find this male ‘plumage’ attractive, a few females display a fear response when confronted with the daunting phallus. Our goal today is to help this one shy female successfully approach and interact with the male, using a process referred to in psychology as desensitization. Through repeated and escalating exposure, we’ll help the female learn to appreciate and engage with this rather impressive appendage.”

Look, while it’s unusual that this reader is perfectly fine with exposing her whole body to her husband yet has issues engaging with his genitalia, it’s not entirely surprising. Honestly, that wiggly thing in between his legs becomes a rather sizable, potent tool come intercourse-time.

Thinking back to the days of seeing my first penis, I do remember thinking that it was big. Like way bigger than I thought I was “down there.” And — holy space invaders — it was supposed to penetrate! Then there were testicles and, um, hair. It was just a whole other landscape.

All I’m saying is that I don’t know the reason why you, questioner, are resistant to seeing and touching your husband’s genitals, but there are understandable reasons why you might be nervous.

On the other hand, your comfort with him seeing you but discomfort with you seeing him might have something to do with a past experience. This response would make total sense for someone who had been molested as a child by an adult male flashing his genitals at her. Or even a child seeing a naked man in a context that felt disorienting (a glimpse of porn, walking on a particular movie scene, etc.). If you think this might be the case, I’d advise sitting down with a Christian counselor and delving into that issue.

Either way, let’s talk about addressing that nervousness.

Systematic desensitization is a process developed by psychologists to help persons suffering from phobias. The idea is to take what you’re afraid of, come up with a plan for exposing you to that stimulus through repeated and increasing presentation, and over time you learn to move past your fears.

For example, let’s say you’re like Indiana Jones and you fear snakes. Instead of throwing you into a pit of poisonous snakes with nothing more than a dying torchlight (which, by the way, is called flooding), we put you in a large room with a glass-caged snake at the far end. You sit there for a bit and go through relaxation techniques to get used to that exposure. The next time, the snake moves closer. Closer again the next time. Eventually, we take it out of the cage. And, if you want, the successful conclusion might be actually holding the snake.

Yes, this really works with people. And not merely for phobias, but simply situations in which you’re nervous. It’s the whole reason I’m an introvert who can function like an extrovert in social situations — I’ve learned to handle my belly butterflies through desensitization.

And this process could work well for your issue in getting used to your husband’s naked body and particularly his genitalia.

You can’t really cage that “beast” and set it across the room while you learn to relax, but you can do things that expose you slowly and let you relax when confronted with his nudity. Here are some practical ideas to explain what I mean:

  • Does he dress/undress in the bedroom when you’re there? Perhaps you could make a point to be in the room when he’s getting ready for work or at bedtimes so you can acclimate to his nakedness.
  • How about taking a shower or a bubble bath together? You can stay focused on the main goal — getting clean/taking it easy — but you’d also be close to him while he’s nude and get used to how things look and behave.
  • Have you ever played naked Twister? You don’t have to play that one, but grab a game and play in the buff. You can take nearly any board or card game and make it into Strip ___: Strip Battleship — sink their ship, they strip; Strip Monopoly — pass Go and collect $200 and a garment from your spouse; Strip Gin Rummy — loser of the hand also loses a piece of clothing. That atmosphere can make getting undressed more relaxed and flirtatious.
  • You know that front flap in most men’s underwear? Slide your hand in there and touch him. You can let your hands get used to the feel of him without adding visuals to the experience.
  • Do you use strategic lighting? Candlelight or low lights can go a long way toward creating a soothing atmosphere and allowing enough visuals to see one another without conveying a stark Here I am in all my glory!
  • Could you do an I’m exploring and you can’t interfere session? While your husband lies on the bed, slowly remove his items of clothing, touch him tentatively and then more intensely as you wish, and have the freedom to explore at your own pace. That opportunity to remain in control and take breaks when you need to pause, breathe, and relax can help you feel more confident about him being naked in your presence.
  • After having sex, can you remain naked together and talk or snuggle? That might be a less intimidating situation and would allow you to be close to him. Bonus points for stroking his penis or testicles post-lovemaking.

You can probably come up with your own ideas in line with these. But essentially, you’re looking to expose yourself to his genitals in ways that encourage you to relax, to feel good about the experience, and to become confident about your willingness to see and touch him.

Finally, add a component of self-talk that settles on the truth of your husband’s body: that it is “remarkably and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14, HCSB). Repeat this and other such verses to yourself before and during the unveiling of your husband’s body:

“How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant” (Song of Songs 1:16).

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand” (Song of Songs 5:10).

Ask God for His perspective of your husband — every inch a masterpiece. His genitals are also remarkably and wonderfully made. Once you see and believe that, you’ll be more motivated to look, touch, and enjoy this special part of his body.

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How to Help Your Wife Get Naked

After writing last week on Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband and Tips for Confidently Baring It All for the Hubby, I decided talk directly to the hubbies…those ones who want to see more of their wives.

See, I get it, husbands. You men are in a precarious position. Here’s the set-up:

  • You want to see your wife naked.
  • She’s not that comfortable with her body.

So you start thinking, “What can I do to help her feel okay about her body?” And the problem-solving begins . . .

Maybe you can tell her to just get over it. Maybe you can tell her she’s pretty…once (that should do it, right?). Maybe you can sign her up at your gym. Maybe you can remind her that many women who’ve given birth have extra fat. Maybe you can suggest she skip dessert. Maybe you can even suggest a weight loss program.

Don’t do it! I’m warning you like the movie audience viewer who sees the girl armed with a hairpin entering the serial killer’s lair. Don’t. Go. There.

In fact, here’s a peek into the female brain: Oftentimes when we complain or vent about something, we don’t want a quick fix. We’re not looking for a resolution. We’re looking for your reassurance.

So what can a husband do to help his wife get naked?

Husband starting to unzip wife's dress

Tell her she’s beautiful. Often, sincerely, deeply. Be consistent and specific, even stating which specific parts of her body you find particularly appealing and why. She may have a hard time accepting the broad statement that she’s “hot,” but tell her you adore the way her hips curve and fit perfectly into your hands? That’s specific enough to mean something.

Want an example? Check out Song of Songs 4 and 7, where the husband wonderfully describes the beauty of his wife.

Tell her what seeing her naked body does to you. And no, I’m not talking about the erection, men. You don’t have to say that. We see it.

Express the arousal, emotion, and satisfaction you experience when you get to see and touch the one woman in the world you’re allowed to, and deeply want to, see and touch. Tell her why it means so much to share your body with her and have her share her body with you. Say why you love having that view, that access, that just-you-and-me feeling. I don’t need to give you the words. You men express yourselves pretty well when you need to. Just make it a priority.

Allow her time to prepare. She may not want to just yank it all off and jump into bed buck naked. It’s a vulnerable thing for women to remove their clothing, and your wife may need time and practice to feel comfortable baring it all — even for you. Suggest she take her time, maybe starting with a bubble bath, putting on lingerie she likes (you can like it too, but make sure she’s good with it), and turning on relaxing music.

Give her a chance to run through whatever routine works to diffuse the pressures of her day and help her get into a let’s-get-naked mood. The more you can help her through the initial jitters, the more likely she’ll grow used to this nude thing and get undressed more readily and easily.

Focus on more than the super-sexy parts. Yes, we wives know you like breasts and lady bits. It’s actually pretty awesome how awesome you men think your women are. However, your wary wife may assume you don’t like the rest of her body so much if you’re always racing to the erogenous zones. I mean, who claims a film is their favorite movie when all they ever watch is the climax scene?

So hang out at other parts of her body. Spend time touching, caressing, complimenting, kissing, fondling…her face, her arms, her legs, her torso, her neck, her whatever. Let her know through your full attention that so much of her body is beautiful to you, that every part of her matters. You can still get to the climax scene, but pay attention to the rest of the show.

Watch your words. Your opinion really matters, and she’s especially sensitive to how you view her body. She figures that out by what you say, how you say it, and even sometimes what you don’t say.

Consider this scripture: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Your words have to build her up according to her needs. What does she need you to say? And what does she need you to refrain from saying? I’m not trying to put you guys in a eggshell mine field, but simply watch your words and your tone and make sure you’re building her up with what you say.

Don’t talk about other women. While you shouldn’t lie to your spouse, you needn’t share every single thought that crosses your brain. If my husband notices a beautiful woman during the day (I’m not talking about lusting here), how does that help our marriage and my confidence for him to share how she looked when he gets home?

Wives who recognize how visual their husbands are are all too aware of how many beautiful women are out there for your viewing. We know some ladies surpass our beauty and could capture your attention. Then we look at ourselves and wonder what you could possibly see in this body that would excite you so much. So avoid lusting after other women (Matthew 5:27-28) and don’t always point out who else you find physically attractive.

Encourage her toward health. If your wife is extremely overweight, frumpy in appearance, or let herself go in some other way, don’t point at her flaws from the other side of the room. Get on her side and become a supporter of her health. And don’t just talk weight loss. If you simply focus on weight, she might go on yo-yo diets and screw up her metabolism and health and appearance even more. Talk health. If she’s healthy, she’ll look and feel better.

Suggest walking together. Suggest taking cooking classes together. Keep the kids while she exercises with friends or goes to the gym. Encourage her to update her wardrobe. Schedule a spa and makeover day for her. Make her health and her feeling good about her body the priority, and you’ll both appreciate the results.

Helping your wife feel better about her body will encourage her to feel comfortable and confident enough to share it with you!

And now let’s ask some wives and husbands, how can a husband help his wife feel more comfortable and confident getting naked in the marital bedroom? What’s worked or would work for you?

Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband

Woman peeking past doorLower the bedroom lights. Cue the burlesque jazz music. Step into the bedroom wearing nothing but a smile. And what do you get?

Well, you either get a happy hubby, a super self-conscious wife, or more likely both.

I had a brief exchange last week with a commenter and fellow blogger about whether wives are able to disrobe and display their goods to their husbands with confidence. I admitted that it took quite a bit of time in my own marriage to get there. While my body is objectively less attractive than it was when I was younger, I’m far more confident now about sharing my body with my husband.

So how do you get to the point where you can enter your bedroom where hubby awaits with just a smile and a swagger? Here are some thoughts on sorting through our self-doubts, ladies.

He just likes naked. Whether you understand it or not, God has infused your husband with an appreciation of feminine beauty and especially nudity. As in, your nudity. The draw isn’t that you look like a supermodel. You don’t have to look like a supermodel. You are beautiful because you are all woman — which is entirely different from him and incredibly intriguing and arousing.

You have curves. You have breasts. You have softer flesh. You have tender, exciting places down below. Whether you also have ten extra pounds and some varicose veins doesn’t detract from all of the goodies he sees. We wives simply need to recognize that God created men to be visually excitable creatures, and your hubby is aroused and interested in your naked body. So show it off!

It’s the only body you have. You can spend your whole life wishing you were taller, shorter, curvier, thinner, fuller, flatter, lighter, darker, etc. But this is it — the body you have. And it’s a pretty good one. Hasn’t it served you well in many ways?

There are plenty of people with unusual challenges like paraplegia or malnutrition or terminal illness who would love to have the very body someone complains about all day long. Now I’m not trying to give you what-for just because you’re unhappy with some aspect of your body. That’s understandable, because we all have something we might want to change and the feelings that come with that simply are. But learning to appreciate what you have goes a long way toward being willing to share it with your husband.

Since this is your body, find ways to love it. Focus on your best features. Keep it healthy. Enhance what you can. Live in gratitude for your body. Get over thinking you want someone else’s, and intentionally learn to appreciate this one and only body you have.

Remember he ain’t perfect either. I find my husband very attractive, even though I objectively realize he will not be named People‘s Sexiest Man Alive any time soon. He’s my flavor of man, so I think he’s “the bomb.” Why not believe your hubby feels the same way about you?

He loves you and that impacts how he sees you — making your beauty shine and your flaws seem insignificant. Moreover, he recognizes you’re both aging, that wrinkles and gravity are taking their slow toll, and he doesn’t expect you to look like a 20 year old for the rest of your life. (Hey, some of us didn’t look our best at 20 anyway!) He knows you aren’t perfect, but he isn’t perfect either. But you still can be perfect for one another.

You’ve been through so much, what’s a little peep show? Honestly, this one has contributed a lot to my level of comfort around my husband. Truly, what’s the big deal about showing him my body after all we’ve been through together?

We’ve experienced the better and the worse, the richer and the poorer, the sickness and the health. We’ve seen each other at our strongest of times and our most vulnerable. We’ve nursed each other through stomach flu, surgeries, and grief. We are intimately connected in every other way, so why would I withhold this one way?

If you want that deep connection with your husband, you have to open yourself up. You have to trust him with your heart and with your body. You truly aren’t likely to have a fabulous marriage in every other aspect if you cannot also be vulnerable and open in the marriage bed. Chalk it up to one more thing that makes your relationship unique: You walk through life together in a way you don’t with anyone else, including the way you share your bodies with each other.

All of these deal with your attitude and approach to being naked with your husband. Next week, I’ll cover some specific tips on how to get over your trepidation and share your body more freely with your husband.

Are you comfortable being naked with your husband? If you’ve grown in this area, please share how you became more confident about sharing your body with him.