Some years ago, an up-and-coming blogger was developing a course for wives on godly sexuality, and she asked me to take a look at the curriculum. That is how I met the lovely Ruth Buezis, who now offers her Awaken Love classes for both wives and husbands through her website. She has also put out a book by that same name: Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage.
Today, she’s giving tips on creating the exciting sex life wives want! Take it away, Ruth.
Plenty of wives want sex more spicily than their husbands. Women are masters of creativity. We understand subtle variations in colors, textures, and creating different atmospheres.
Though women might not allow themselves to fully indulge yet, I see the sparkle of agreement when I talk about spice at Awaken Love classes. For women, embracing God’s design for sex, includes having the courage to create a sex life that excites us.For women, embracing God’s design for sex, includes having the courage to create a sex life that excites us. – Ruth Buezis, via @HotHolyHumorous Click To Tweet
Many of the women attend Awaken Love classes because they don’t look forward to sex. I think one of the main reasons is because they are bored.
Cultural norms have trained wives to believe that their husband is the expert. He has the greater sexual need, and our job is simply to care for him. The truth is that we have sexual needs too. Our needs don’t just entail having an orgasm, but having fun, creative, spicy and connecting sex. Until a wife understands the mutual role that God portrays in the Song of Songs, the marriage bed misses out on the nuances a wife brings.
Jim and I were married almost 25 years before I embraced my role in the marriage bed. We’d had a good marriage and sex life, but it didn’t compare to what we have now. I believed lies like, “I need to do it for my husband” or “Sex is just a physical thing to satisfy hormonal urges.” Since Jim and I did not talk about sex, we figured out what worked and stuck with it.
Sometimes the lack of creativity and boredom drove me crazy. To compensate, I would fantasize about the two of us having sex on a beach to help me orgasm. Because I had not embraced my role in the marriage bed, we missed out on what I could bring to the table.
I not only have seen my marriage change, but I’ve witnessed hundreds of marriages transform when the wife embraces her sexuality. For the last seven years I’ve taught Awaken Love classes to help Christian wives. Not only do we learn about God’s design, but we learn tangible ways to start creating a fun, spicy, intimate sex life. Embracing sex is not just about having more sex; it is about having better sex.
Sex is a team sport. Even when the wife has embraced sex, she might feel frustrated because of her husband’s lack of creativity, or connection. Before we get started, let me share some tips to help your husband stretch in these areas too.
1 Corinthians 7:3 says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”
A husband fulfilling his marital duty is not just about bringing his wife to orgasm. He needs to learn to have sex in a way that fulfills his wife’s desires. Change can feel scary, threatening, and even impossible for a husband. With the right encouragement, someday he may thank you for showing him a whole new world. Below are some tips to encourage his growth.
- Start by showing your husband what great sex looks like to you.
- Take the lead and create positive memorable experiences that he won’t soon forget.
- Always have an attitude of encouragement and affirmation, even just for trying.
- Break learning down into specific baby steps that move towards the goal.
- Remove the pressure by having fun and disguising new steps of growth as games.
- Be patient and extend the same loving grace that you would want.
Now let’s dive into three important areas of sexuality for women to embrace: Creativity, Words, and Connection.
Creativity requires the freedom to explore without fear. If either of you have baggage from your past that you haven’t dealt with, then start going after healing in those areas. Be honest with each other, extend grace and develop trust.
Most men think of sex in a linear progression going from low arousal to increased arousal to orgasm. Creativity multiplies when we understand that sex can follow whatever path we dream up. Think outside of the box on what it means to create anticipation, to tease, to change gears, to circle back around, to put on the brakes or step on the gas. Show your husband the most delicious, circuitous route to orgasm he has ever experienced. Remove the boundaries of expectations or norms.
Song of Songs 7:11-12:
Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside,
let us spend the night in the villages.
Let us go early to the vineyards
to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
there I will give you my love.
In Song of Songs, the wife takes the lead and plans a fun adventure of having sex in the vineyard early in the morning. Don’t always expect your husband to make your sex life creative. Planning the adventure is half the fun.
One winter morning, I decided to bring my beach fantasy to life. I cranked up the heat and told Jim to change into his swimsuit. Wearing my bikini, I rubbed suntan lotion on him as he relaxed on a beach towel in our bedroom. That day we had amazing sex on the beach together.
Recently, a simple strand of pearls sparked my imagination. After applying red lipstick to complete the transformation, I slipped into a spicy version of myself. Get creative and have some fun going beyond your everyday safe self.
God made women brimming with creativity. Take the time to listen to your desires and have the courage to create them with your husband. Share your spiciness with the most important person in the world—your husband.
Using words can quickly transform your marriage bed from mundane to spicy hot—especially for women. If you don’t believe me, then think about what reading a sex scene in a romance novel does to a woman’s body or why sex chat rooms thrive. Words hold power that many couples still have not discovered. Most wives will need to take the lead in helping husbands with the art of seduction, teasing, and creating sexual tension through using words. With encouragement and practice, a husband will realize how much fun and passion words can create.
Song of Songs 4:9
You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
One of the first ways I started using my words was to grab my husband and whisper in his ear before he left for work. Using explicit terms, I described what I wanted him to do to me that night. Powerful descriptors like juicy, ache, or throb added to the excitement. Later that night, Jim discovered the power of bringing words to life.
Another way to turn up the passion is to hear your spouse ask for what they want in the heat of the moment. In order for Jim and me to practice asking, I devised a game called 2-Minute Poker. Using any fast-paced game, the winner of each round gets to ask the other person to do something for 2 minutes. Then you play another round. The game tends to start out mild and then ramp up. It forces you to think about what you want and to get comfortable asking.
If you want to learn more about using your words, check out one of my articles Using Your Words During Sex.
Using words during sex can feel hard for wives, but it can feel even more challenging for our husband. Don’t miss out on this powerful way to add spice to your marriage. Take the lead and help your husband discover just how much spice words can add.
For years I showed up to sex nervous and tense. Even after I warmed up, sex sometimes felt lonely. It was as if we were both just doing our thing to get to the finish line. At times we weren’t really even aware of each other. We tuned each other out and focused on our own goals.
One of the largest areas of growth that made our sex life intimate and spicy has been to learn to stay connected during sex. Instead of each of us going our merry way, we go somewhere together, or I can go with Jim, or he can go with me. It doesn’t really matter which, but we go together.
Song of Songs 6:2-3
My beloved has gone down to his garden,
to the beds of spices,
to browse in the gardens
and to gather lilies.
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
he browses among the lilies.
Staying connected during sex is all about staying in the moment. You simply “be,” instead of do … or worry, or plan, or anything else you can try. Rather than driven by purpose, you browse, linger, and savor. With practice, being present gets easier, but it requires letting go of expectations, removing pressure, not trying so hard, and learning to appreciate the journey more than the destination.
One of the things that has helped Jim and I connect during sex is to practice stillness. For me, intercourse used to feel like a blur of motion—basically nothing. Now before we start moving, I enjoy moments of stillness with him inside me. Once connected, we tune into each other and go somewhere together.
How do you know that your spouse is there with you? When you smile, does he smile back? Does a gentle “hey” foster a return gesture, or does it suddenly jolt them out of their own agenda? Do they notice when you feel tense or relaxed?
Few things create more excitement than a spouse vulnerably opening themselves up and sharing their arousal. Are you catching it or are you too busy in your own world? Learn how to stay connected during sex and savor some of the sweetest spice that God created—intimacy.
Don’t buy into the lie that sex is for your husband, and you are just along for the ride.
God created women different than men, and we have important things to bring to the table. Embrace your creativity. Instead of imagining hot sex, make it happen. Learn how to use your words, and you will create a powerful way to get out of your head and nurture excitement. Learn how to stay connected during sex, and you will help your husband move beyond mechanics toward intimate connection. Embrace your role as the sexy, spicy wife that God intended.
In 2012 Ruth invited eight friends onto her porch to share what she had discovered about sex. Since that time almost 1500 women and 300 men have taken Awaken Love either in person or using video classes. Her heart is to open up the conversation of sex in small groups in order to change the culture of sex in the church. She also blogs, speaks, and published her first book, Awaken Love. You can find more information at www.awaken-love.net.