Tag Archives: godly sex in marriage

Create the Exciting Sex Life That Wives Want

Some years ago, an up-and-coming blogger was developing a course for wives on godly sexuality, and she asked me to take a look at the curriculum. That is how I met the lovely Ruth Buezis, who now offers her Awaken Love classes for both wives and husbands through her website. She has also put out a book by that same name: Awaken Love: The Truth About Sex that will Transform Your Marriage.

Today, she’s giving tips on creating the exciting sex life wives want! Take it away, Ruth.

Plenty of wives want sex more spicily than their husbands. Women are masters of creativity. We understand subtle variations in colors, textures, and creating different atmospheres.

Though women might not allow themselves to fully indulge yet, I see the sparkle of agreement when I talk about spice at Awaken Love classes. For women, embracing God’s design for sex, includes having the courage to create a sex life that excites us.

For women, embracing God’s design for sex, includes having the courage to create a sex life that excites us. – Ruth Buezis, via @HotHolyHumorous Click To Tweet

Many of the women attend Awaken Love classes because they don’t look forward to sex. I think one of the main reasons is because they are bored.

Cultural norms have trained wives to believe that their husband is the expert. He has the greater sexual need, and our job is simply to care for him. The truth is that we have sexual needs too. Our needs don’t just entail having an orgasm, but having fun, creative, spicy and connecting sex. Until a wife understands the mutual role that God portrays in the Song of Songs, the marriage bed misses out on the nuances a wife brings.

My Story

Jim and I were married almost 25 years before I embraced my role in the marriage bed. We’d had a good marriage and sex life, but it didn’t compare to what we have now. I believed lies like, “I need to do it for my husband” or “Sex is just a physical thing to satisfy hormonal urges.” Since Jim and I did not talk about sex, we figured out what worked and stuck with it.

Sometimes the lack of creativity and boredom drove me crazy.  To compensate, I would fantasize about the two of us having sex on a beach to help me orgasm. Because I had not embraced my role in the marriage bed, we missed out on what I could bring to the table.

I not only have seen my marriage change, but I’ve witnessed hundreds of marriages transform when the wife embraces her sexuality. For the last seven years I’ve taught Awaken Love classes to help Christian wives. Not only do we learn about God’s design, but we learn tangible ways to start creating a fun, spicy, intimate sex life. Embracing sex is not just about having more sex; it is about having better sex.

Husbands

Sex is a team sport. Even when the wife has embraced sex, she might feel frustrated because of her husband’s lack of creativity, or connection. Before we get started, let me share some tips to help your husband stretch in these areas too.

1 Corinthians 7:3 says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

A husband fulfilling his marital duty is not just about bringing his wife to orgasm. He needs to learn to have sex in a way that fulfills his wife’s desires. Change can feel scary, threatening, and even impossible for a husband. With the right encouragement, someday he may thank you for showing him a whole new world. Below are some tips to encourage his growth.

  • Start by showing your husband what great sex looks like to you.
  • Take the lead and create positive memorable experiences that he won’t soon forget.
  • Always have an attitude of encouragement and affirmation, even just for trying.
  • Break learning down into specific baby steps that move towards the goal.
  • Remove the pressure by having fun and disguising new steps of growth as games.
  • Be patient and extend the same loving grace that you would want.

Now let’s dive into three important areas of sexuality for women to embrace: Creativity, Words, and Connection.

Creativity

Creativity requires the freedom to explore without fear. If either of you have baggage from your past that you haven’t dealt with, then start going after healing in those areas. Be honest with each other, extend grace and develop trust.

Most men think of sex in a linear progression going from low arousal to increased arousal to orgasm. Creativity multiplies when we understand that sex can follow whatever path we dream up. Think outside of the box on what it means to create anticipation, to tease, to change gears, to circle back around, to put on the brakes or step on the gas. Show your husband the most delicious, circuitous route to orgasm he has ever experienced. Remove the boundaries of expectations or norms.

Song of Songs 7:11-12:

Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside,
   let us spend the night in the villages.
Let us go early to the vineyards
   to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
   and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
   there I will give you my love.

In Song of Songs, the wife takes the lead and plans a fun adventure of having sex in the vineyard early in the morning. Don’t always expect your husband to make your sex life creative. Planning the adventure is half the fun.

One winter morning, I decided to bring my beach fantasy to life. I cranked up the heat and told Jim to change into his swimsuit. Wearing my bikini, I rubbed suntan lotion on him as he relaxed on a beach towel in our bedroom. That day we had amazing sex on the beach together.

Recently, a simple strand of pearls sparked my imagination. After applying red lipstick to complete the transformation, I slipped into a spicy version of myself. Get creative and have some fun going beyond your everyday safe self.

God made women brimming with creativity. Take the time to listen to your desires and have the courage to create them with your husband. Share your spiciness with the most important person in the world—your husband.

Words

Using words can quickly transform your marriage bed from mundane to spicy hot—especially for women. If you don’t believe me, then think about what reading a sex scene in a romance novel does to a woman’s body or why sex chat rooms thrive. Words hold power that many couples still have not discovered. Most wives will need to take the lead in helping husbands with the art of seduction, teasing, and creating sexual tension through using words. With encouragement and practice, a husband will realize how much fun and passion words can create.  

Song of Songs 4:9

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
   you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
   with one jewel of your necklace.

One of the first ways I started using my words was to grab my husband and whisper in his ear before he left for work. Using explicit terms, I described what I wanted him to do to me that night. Powerful descriptors like juicy, ache, or throb added to the excitement. Later that night, Jim discovered the power of bringing words to life.

Another way to turn up the passion is to hear your spouse ask for what they want in the heat of the moment. In order for Jim and me to practice asking, I devised a game called 2-Minute Poker. Using any fast-paced game, the winner of each round gets to ask the other person to do something for 2 minutes. Then you play another round. The game tends to start out mild and then ramp up. It forces you to think about what you want and to get comfortable asking.

If you want to learn more about using your words, check out one of my articles Using Your Words During Sex.

Using words during sex can feel hard for wives, but it can feel even more challenging for our husband. Don’t miss out on this powerful way to add spice to your marriage. Take the lead and help your husband discover just how much spice words can add.

Connection

For years I showed up to sex nervous and tense. Even after I warmed up, sex sometimes felt lonely. It was as if we were both just doing our thing to get to the finish line. At times we weren’t really even aware of each other. We tuned each other out and focused on our own goals.

One of the largest areas of growth that made our sex life intimate and spicy has been to learn to stay connected during sex. Instead of each of us going our merry way, we go somewhere together, or I can go with Jim, or he can go with me. It doesn’t really matter which, but we go together.

Song of Songs 6:2-3

My beloved has gone down to his garden,
   to the beds of spices,
to browse in the gardens
   and to gather lilies.
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
   he browses among the lilies.

Staying connected during sex is all about staying in the moment. You simply “be,” instead of do … or worry, or plan, or anything else you can try. Rather than driven by purpose, you browse, linger, and savor. With practice, being present gets easier, but it requires letting go of expectations, removing pressure, not trying so hard, and learning to appreciate the journey more than the destination.

One of the things that has helped Jim and I connect during sex is to practice stillness. For me, intercourse used to feel like a blur of motion—basically nothing. Now before we start moving, I enjoy moments of stillness with him inside me. Once connected, we tune into each other and go somewhere together.

How do you know that your spouse is there with you? When you smile, does he smile back? Does a gentle “hey” foster a return gesture, or does it suddenly jolt them out of their own agenda? Do they notice when you feel tense or relaxed?

Few things create more excitement than a spouse vulnerably opening themselves up and sharing their arousal. Are you catching it or are you too busy in your own world? Learn how to stay connected during sex and savor some of the sweetest spice that God created—intimacy.

Final Thoughts

Don’t buy into the lie that sex is for your husband, and you are just along for the ride.

God created women different than men, and we have important things to bring to the table. Embrace your creativity. Instead of imagining hot sex, make it happen. Learn how to use your words, and you will create a powerful way to get out of your head and nurture excitement. Learn how to stay connected during sex, and you will help your husband move beyond mechanics toward intimate connection. Embrace your role as the sexy, spicy wife that God intended.

In 2012 Ruth invited eight friends onto her porch to share what she had discovered about sex. Since that time almost 1500 women and 300 men have taken Awaken Love either in person or using video classes. Her heart is to open up the conversation of sex in small groups in order to change the culture of sex in the church. She also blogs, speaks, and published her first book, Awaken Love. You can find more information at www.awaken-love.net.

Q&A with J: Good Websites for Husbands About Sex

Since I started blogging in 2010, there has been a flourishing of websites like mine — Christian women devoted to helping other Christian women pursue holy and pleasurable sexual intimacy in marriage. We come from different perspectives, but many of us share a similar mission.

For instance, I’d count all of my Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast partners: Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., Bonny Burns of OysterBed7. Two other favorite voices are Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and Sheila Gregoire of To Love Honor and Vacuum. Also, the wonderful Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy, Keelie Reason of Love Hope Adventure, Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love, and Jessica McCleese of Be Fully Well. (And I’m going to look at this post later and think of someone I forgot!)

When it comes to wives and the issue of godly sexuality, there are so many more resources now than when I was younger. If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. It may well be mine, but if not, you’ve got other places to look.

If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your #marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. Click To Tweet

BUT I frequently hear from both wives and husbands asking about parallel resources for husbands. Yes, there are blogs for men, but not that many specifically written toward men. And I’ll be honest: I don’t think there are enough.

Blog post title + illustration of man's shirt with necktie (bow shaped in a heart)

I have enormous respect for several male bloggers who have written well about sexual intimacy in marriage — Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband, Scott Means of Heaven Made Marriage, and Brad Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage, just to name a few, but we need more.

And I really would like to see some godly men speak out on issues that could use more focused treatment, like:

  • Lower drive husbands writing for other lower drive husbands to show them how to be sexually engaged in their marriage
  • Husbands sharing how porn is no longer a temptation, because they overcame it and you can too
  • Older men sharing how sexuality changes in later years and how to keep that intimate spark alive
  • Pastors addressing how to responsibly promote godly sexuality in the Church, with real-life ideas for teaching and ministry

As you might surmise, I believe in strong women. Yet I also believe that for godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause.

For godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause. Click To Tweet

So when I receive questions like “Where are the blogs or books like yours…but for men?”, I have a few suggestions, but I’d love to have more.

That said, I’m not even sure blogs or books are the best way to reach men. My own husband is less likely to read a whole marriage book than he is to listen to a podcast.

Men often respond well to short snippets of information that get to the point and then allow them time to process the idea. So perhaps the ministry on sex to husbands should look different, with such resources as:

  • A video series in church
  • Daily reminders in his email inbox with a godly sex tip
  • A mobile app with Christian sex ideas (oh hey, there is one of those now—see below!)
  • A podcast for men on how to foster their marital intimacy
  • Short online videos with marriage bed tips
  • Online communities (Facebook or elsewhere) for husbands to plug into advice and support

My suggestions are not intended to diminish anything already happening, but I’ve love to see more. Because I still get these questions, and I don’t like how easily I can come up with answers for the ladies but fewer answers for the gentlemen.

Also, I don’t like that many of the resources for husbands focus almost exclusively on sexual sin. Not that we shouldn’t help men break free from porn, refrain from lust, and avoid adultery — we should! — but husbands don’t merely need to turn away from sin but turn toward God’s design for sex in marriage. Many of them need to know how to effectively nurture sexual intimacy with their wife.

Now instead of me advising a bunch of other stuff, I’m shortening this post so I can hear from you in the comments!

Husbands, what resources do you believe would be helpful in encouraging you toward biblical and beautiful sexual intimacy in your marriage? And yes, you wives are welcome to comment! 

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5 Ways This Podcast Helps Your Sex Life (#5 Is a Giveaway)

Did y’all know that I have a podcast?

Even after talking a lot about being one of four hosts of Sex Chat for Christian Wives, I still have people now and then on my Facebook page or here on the blog saying, “What, you have a podcast?”

Sex Chat for Christian Wives Logo + faces of podcast hosts

More often, I’m sure there are those of you who have thought to yourself, I should check out that podcast sometime, but you haven’t done it just yet.

Maybe you don’t even know how to get to a podcast! Where would you go to listen? If that’s you, please go read Podcast Listening for Beginners on the OysterBed7 blog.

And perhaps a few of you are actually tired of me talking about this podcast and wondering why I’m pushing it so much.

Wherever you are regarding my podcast with three other marriage and sex bloggers, let me share on today’s High Five Saturday reasons I love this podcast and, more importantly, how it can really help your sex life.

Blog post title + illustration of microphone

1. We deliver content on-the-go.

To read this post, you had to stop everything enough to be able to focus on the words and take in the message. And honestly, this is my favorite way to deliver content! I’m at my core a writer.

But I’m also a very busy person — with my work, household management, parenting, and other pursuits — taking up quite a bit of time. So I’ve found that one of the best ways that I can receive information I want is to listen to it while on-the-go.

If you were to see me in the grocery store, or while doing at laundry at home, or in the midst of getting ready for my day, you’d likely notice headphones in my ears … because I’m listening to podcasts. Some many of you wives are also on-the-go all the time, and our podcast provides an easy way for you to get information you need and want, while still getting everything most a fair amount of your to-do list done.

2. We have varied perspectives.

Bonny of Oysterbed7, Chris of The Forgiven Wife, Gaye Christmas of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. and I all have the same foundational viewpoint of sexual intimacy in the marriage bed. But we come from different backgrounds, different personal stories, different ways that God has worked in our lives to help us reach holy and healthy sex in our marriages.

So when you listen in to Sex Chat for Christian Wives, you get four sources of wisdom for the price of one. And together, we reach women who also come from varied backgrounds and varied personal stories. I suspect your personality or perspective is well represented by one or more of us.

3. We give practical advice.

Inspiration and life principles are great, but sometimes it’s a struggle to know how to apply that insight in your own life. On Sex Chat for Christian Wives, we share all kinds of ideas and tips about improving the marriage bed. We talk authentically about what works and what doesn’t.

Sure, we could spend a half-hour talking about the theology of sex and providing encouraging and inspirational thoughts — and we do talk about these important things — but we want wives to have real-life takeaways from every single episode.

4. We make you laugh.

We certainly make ourselves laugh. Just check out latest episode on Sex Is Funny. But we also make listeners snicker, laugh, and guffaw … which we consider a great service to you and to marriage beds.

I’m fully aware how much deep heartache and ongoing frustration exists around the subject of sexual intimacy in some marriages. I would never want to minimize that. However, Christians can also become so serious about sex that we forget that it’s supposed to be fun. And talking about it in a fun way, when appropriate, can inspire couples to take more of that tone in their own marriages.

5. We give away stuff.

As of February 14, 2018, we’ll have been podcasting for a full year! (Cue the balloons and confetti!) To celebrate, we are hosting an amazing anniversary giveaway.

Twenty-two (22) runners-up will each receive free shipping for life from Marriage Spice, an online Christian marital aid store. Three (3) runners-up will receive free shipping for life from Marriage Spice plus a bundle of e-books from us: The Busy Life Diet by Gaye ChristmusUnlock Your Libido by Bonny Burns; Intimacy Revealed by J Parker; and Behind Closed Doors by J Parker.

And one Grand Prize winner will receive a $150 Gift Certificate from Marriage Spice! Whoa. That’s a lot of money you could invest in stuff for your bow-chicka-wow-wow.

For rules and how to enter, click the image below:

Well, there you go! Five fantabulous ways we are here to help your marriage bed.

Be sure to subscribe through iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast carrier (I use Pocket Casts). New episodes release every other Tuesday!

And yo, don’t leave before I remind you that my ebooks are currently on sale for a low, low price. If you’ve seen this ad a few times and haven’t clicked yet, go check it out.

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