Tag Archives: improving sexual intimacy in marriage

5 Questions to Ask about Your Sexual Intimacy

It’s Saturday, meaning I’m back with another high-five! That is, five somethings that I want to share with you about sexual intimacy in marriage.

Today I want us to ask some questions about our sex lives. These are hardly the only questions you could ask, but they are five important ones that might illuminate where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there. Let’s go for it!

Blog post title + sketch of silhouette man and woman kissing

1. What am I afraid of?

No, not the dark or the Big Bad Wolf or the very idea of a swallowing a spider in your sleep. I’m talking about what fears you have about sex.

Most of us have something that causes us to tense, worry, or even avoid some aspect of sex. For many, the fears are based in real experiences, such as sexual abuse or harassment, or even poor teaching about sexuality that made sex seem scary. We might have performance anxiety or body image issues. We might be worried that he’s thinking of porn or she’s unhappy with penis size.

But even though these fears change how we view the marriage bed, we don’t often delve into what they are, why we have these fears, and if they’re real. It might not be as bad as you think. For instance, that swallowing-spiders story? Sleep soundly — it’s an urban legend. Likewise, your fears could either spotlight areas to work on or be worries that you can safely let go of and choose a better reality instead.

2. What does my spouse really think about our sex life?

One of the biggest issues I see in marriages that struggle with sexual intimacy is one spouse thinks they know what the other feels and believes about sex … but they don’t. She thinks he just wants a physical release, but he wants emotional connection through sexual intimacy. He thinks she doesn’t ever want to have sex, but she does want sex if it could be more mutually satisfying….

I could give more examples, but the point is that at least some of your assumptions about your spouse are likely wrong. We tend to look at a situation and think, If I said or behaved like that, it would mean X. But it doesn’t mean X for your spouse, because they’re a different person.

Take a look at all of the messages your spouse has given you about your marriage bed. For instance, if you think he’d rather be with a prettier woman, but he’s asked to see you naked, wants to kiss and touch you, and says positive things about your body, that’s probably the truth about what he thinks. And be willing to ask your spouse, with an open mind and heart, what they think. You might find out something you didn’t know.

3. Would I want to make love with me?

A while back, Kevin A. Thompson, minister and blogger, wrote a post titled “I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either.” It was addressed to husbands who wanted to have more sex, but there was good reason why the wife wasn’t obliging. If you want to read the post now, I’ll wait while you do that. (Whistles and taps fingers on desk…)

Okay, sometimes the reason your sex life isn’t going well is because the rest of you isn’t all that peachy. Yes, I know that’s a hard thing to hear. But ask yourself this question: If we switched places, and all I saw of my spouse is what he gets from me, would I want to make love with that person? Would that be an appealing prospect?

Sometimes the reason your sex life isn't going well is because the rest of you isn't all that peachy. Click To Tweet

This is why I often tell people who whine and complain about sex to Stop It Already. Even though there are issues that need to be addressed, who wants to bed someone who’s always throwing a conniption fit? By being a prickly person to be around, you could be making things worse. But if you love your spouse like a walking 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (“Love is patient, love is kind, etc.”), that’s really attractive. And then if/when you work out the other issues, you’re rather bed-able.

4. What’s the number one area you need to nurture?

One of the three points above may have hit on an area you need to work on. But oftentimes, the marriage bed has several areas where improvement could be made. Whether you’re in the sexual doldrums or riding high, you can always find something to nurture.

But rather than taking a scatter-shot approach, focus on a single target at a time. What’s the number one area you need to nurture? If you can identify it, then you can tackle that next step and see some progress in your sexual intimacy. Step by step, target by target, you can build greater intimacy in your marriage bed.

Now your number one area might not — or probably won’t — be your spouse’s number one area. And that’s okay. Work on your stuff, and be willing to cooperate with your spouse’s. But know that you don’t have to work everything out all in a day. That’s part of the beauty of God’s design for sex in a covenant marriage — you have a lifetime to learn and improve and experience the intimacy He longs for you to have.

5. What’s the next step I need to take?

This question may sound like a repeat, but it’s not. Knowing what area you need to nurture isn’t the same as identifying the specific action you’ll take. It’s the difference between saying, “I’m going to exercise more,” and “I’m going to take Zumba classes three times a week, starting tomorrow.” And then paying for the classes. Goals are great, but they don’t mean much unless and until you list specific actions you’ll take to reach them.

Goals are great, but they don't mean much unless and until you list specific actions you'll take to reach them. #marriage #Christiansex Click To Tweet

So what action should you take? Well, it depends on your goal. If you want to address physical discomfort during lovemaking, you make an appointment with your doctor or a sexual health specialist. If you’ve experienced a lot of conflict surrounding the topic of sex in your marriage, it could be time to meet with a counselor, together or on your own. If you’re struggling with a porn habit, you install filtering software and/or join a porn recovery group. If you just want to add some spice to your sexual repertoire, you buy my book with a lot of suggestions for that!

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Whatever you decide to focus on, identify the next step to take. And then take it.

Now what questions do you think couples should ask about their sexual intimacy?

What Does a Sex Devotional Look Like?

Woman readingOne of the reasons you should study your Bible again and again is that you’ll glean different lessons from different readings. Depending on where you are in your life and your spiritual journey, God can speak to you through His Word right where you are.

Have you ever had that experience? Like when you read a Bible story you’ve heard time and time again and notice something that hadn’t stuck out to you before. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is tugging you in a direction you need to pay attention to—something you need to apply to the life you’re living now.

That’s how my new book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage, came about. I started looking at scriptures I’d seen numerous times and noticing that they had application to my marriage . . . and even to my sexual intimacy. Even familiar Bible stories contained biblical principles I could apply to my marriage bed.

Digging further into the Word of God, I drafted 60 devotions and then chose 52 to include in the book. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the leftover eight, but I’d either covered the point in another chapter or a devotion didn’t fit as well with all the others. From that “cutting room floor,” here’s an example of a Bible story you may have heard about Nehemiah, but with an application to your marriage and marital intimacy.


Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, “The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.” Also our enemies said, “Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work.” Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.”

Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

NEHEMIAH 4:10-14

Our marriages are under daily attack, just like the Israelites were when rebuilding the Jerusalem wall. Look around at the plethora of sinful sexual messages in our culture, and it’s easy for us to also say, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.” It can be overwhelming at times to weed through what the world says about sex—that it’s foolish to wait until you’re married, that it’s purely physical, that there are no limits, etc.—and settle on the truth of God’s design instead. It can feel especially foolhardy to trust in God’s plan when your marital sex life isn’t everything you hoped it would be.

But maybe the wall simply isn’t built all the way yet. And the enemy doesn’t want you to succeed in erecting a strong wall in your marriage—a solid structure of satisfying sexual intimacy. He wants your marriage to be rubble. So what’s our answer? Like Nehemiah, we need to do two things: Guard the wall and trust in God’s plan.

Nehemiah set sentries to protect the workers, and likewise we need to guard our hearts and minds against wrong views of sex. Then Nehemiah appeals to the people: “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” We need not cower or apologize for our view of good sex in marriage, but rather remember God and His excellent plan and fight for our families. Our best defense against the enemy is the offense of an ever-growing marriage and God-honoring sexual intimacy.


♥ What erroneous messages about sex is the world sending today? How do they differ from God’s perfect plan for sexual intimacy in marriage?

♥ Where do you need to focus in your marriage? What needs to happen to strengthen your wall of sexual intimacy?


Glorious God, we praise You and Your perfect plan for humankind. Thank You for the excellent examples of faith and righteousness throughout the Bible. I know my marriage is under attack from the enemy, and I don’t want to give the devil even a foothold through weaknesses in our sex life. So I pray You will help me guard my heart and my mind against sinful messages from the world about sex. Help me also to trust in Your plan and to be faithful in pursuing godly sexual intimacy in my marriage. In the name of Christ I pray, Amen.

What lesson or lessons do you draw from this story of Nehemiah and the building of the wall? How can you apply God’s plan for His people to your marriage specifically?

For more devotions, check out Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. (And yes, this would make a great Christmas gift!)

Intimacy Revealed Book CoverWhat does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Purchase e-book:

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