Tag Archives: Sex Q and A

Flat Chests, Body Issues, and Feeling Sexy

Q&AI’m answering reader questions from my Q&A with J at HHH post. Today’s question comes from an anonymous reader who explained some of her background, but I simply printed the portion with her question:

The thing I am struggling with the most is my chest size. I have struggled with it my whole life due to unkind remarks from friends, boys, past boyfriends etc, but I felt pretty confident about myself until I found out about my husband’s issue [he previously confessed to a porn addiction] and it’s like it resurfaced worse than ever. I suddenly felt that I would never be sexy enough or as well endowed as them. I was so hurt because I felt like I wasn’t special enough to wait for when it came to his sexual desires. Thankfully, since then, my husband has gone above and beyond to set up boundaries in his life and to help me work through our previous issue so now I know this is mainly my insecurity.

Although, I do see him occasionally look at other women, I know in my heart that he isn’t “checking them out” and he will admit that he notices other attractive women but that he is not lusting after them like before. I struggle because when I see him look and if it happens to be another “chesty” woman I just want to cry or hide in a hole. I don’t even want to go to the beach with him and I just downright feel uncomfortable with myself. I am a small petite girl and it wouldn’t even be right if I had larger boobs but I still feel like I will never compare to these women or feel attractive enough to catch my husbands eye like they do. He tells me that I am the most beautiful woman to him and it’s like it doesn’t even register in my head because I don’t feel this way.

I don’t want to be ungrateful for the body God has given me and I don’t want to diminish the encouragement that my husband is giving me, but I just feel hurt and feel stuck. With posters of women and scantily clad women everywhere, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to accept my husband’s compliments and actually feel like he means it. My husband and I have thought that maybe I need professional help, but I don’t even know where to start to find someone to help me with body image. Any advice?

I need to confess at the start here that I was a very small-chested woman who had breast augmentation two years ago. If you want to read about my experience, I wrote about it with My Best Chest, My Best Chest – Part 2, and Thanks for the Mammaries. Just as this wife describes, my hubby repeated told me how beautiful I was to him, even when my nipples looked like teeny china cups on flat saucers. I got breast augmentation for me. Does my husband like it? Yes. But he liked me before too.

So do I think that all small-chested women should have breast surgery? No, of course not.

But whether it’s dissatisfaction with your small or sagging breasts, your thunder thighs, or your varicose veins, there are only two paths to dealing with a body image issue:

Change it OR

Learn to live with it.

The third option of whining and wallowing and belittling yourself is no option at all. It sucks to feel that way. It sucks for your husband to deal with you that way. And it doesn’t resolve anything.

Change it

This is an option for some. Now, for those who decry plastic surgery and other “fix it” solutions, I’d say it’s a matter of degree. We are typically okay with fixing something we genuinely view as abnormal, such as a sixth finger or super crooked teeth, but is a super flat chest abnormal? And what about enhancing something you just don’t like about yourself — like removing a mole or getting liposuction?

I gave my reasons in the above posts for why I made the plunge into plastic surgery. But I also gave some warnings. Surgery is a big stinkin’ deal and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Even smaller medical procedures can cause unforeseen issues.

Any time you consider making a permanent change to your body, you need to ask some serious questions about why you want to do so. If you are trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal — especially one created by fashion magazines or pornography — you need to change your ideal, not your body. If you are in the midst of other stressful circumstances, you may be looking toward changing your body as a one-stop solution for your ills, and believe me, it isn’t. If it’s just to feel more beautiful, then you may need to reconsider how beautiful you already are.

I don’t have problems with people who choose this route. I obviously chose it, but I did so cautiously, prayerfully, and for myself, not so my husband could have more than a mouthful. Most husbands are quite happy with their wife’s body, even if our imperfections stand out to us.

Learn to live with it

I don’t even like that I used that phrase. It’s more like, “Learn to revel in the beauty of your body as it is!” Yes, so much better.

Now how do you do that? Several ways.

Learn what beauty means to God. Psalm 139:13 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You were stitched together by the Almighty God. You are a beautiful daughter of the King . . . which makes you a princess. Move over, Cinderella!

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” God talks about making the nation Israel beautiful in Ezekiel 16:14: “And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.” And 1 Peter 3:3-5 admonishes us that “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Feeling worthwhile, beautiful, valuable starts from knowing who we are as God’s daughters. Of course, the Bible is not unaware that men like beautiful women. God used Esther’s beauty to His purposes, capitalizing on the king’s desire to look upon a physically appealing woman to save His people.

Yet, I have a feeling that Esther was especially gorgeous not merely because she had supermodel looks. Maybe the king couldn’t put his finger on what was so appealing about her, but she held herself not just as the wife of a king but a daughter of The King.

Now we ladies can know all of this intellectually, but unless it sinks in, these are just words on a page. When you have a thought about being lacking as a woman, bring out a verse that reminds you who you are in God’s eyes. Replace negative self-talk with your Holy Father’s perspective of you.

Over time, you will come to see that you are God’s handiwork (Ephesians 2:10). And believe me, God doesn’t make stick figures (like I do). He makes beautiful women, in all sizes and styles.

Learn what beauty means to your husband. Psalm 45 is a royal wedding song. In it, the bride is told to “Let the king be enthralled by your beauty.” What is this beauty? We aren’t told specifically. It’s assumed that the king thinks his bride is gorgeous . . . or he wouldn’t want to marry her, right?

Most husbands are enthralled by their wives’ beauty. Some of you ladies might be surprised how often I hear from husbands who say that their wives don’t like their own bodies but the husbands adore them.

What’s particularly appealing to men is that we women are different. Our bodies don’t look like theirs. Women are softer, curvier, and have parts they don’t have. If you have a nice little molehill for your nipple to sit on, that’s still rather intriguing to hubby. And when he touches, licks, or kisses it, and you go a little crazy, well . . . husbands think that’s awesome!

If your husband says you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to him, believe it — especially if his other actions toward you demonstrate his love. In this reader’s instance, the husband’s confession, boundaries, and investment show a commitment to the marriage.

Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” It does not say, “may her big breasts satisfy you always.” That’s not part of the deal. That the wife is loving, graceful, and has breasts seems to be the point here. Why not be satisfied and intoxicated?

Like the Lover in Song of Songs 2:2 chose his Beloved, your husband chose you: “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” When you doubt that you are beautiful to him, don’t ask, “Am I pretty?” “Are my breasts okay?” “Am I as pretty as so-and-so?” Ask your husband what he likes about your body. Make it a positive sexy moment for him to remind you what is beautiful to him.

Learn what beauty means to you. Make yourself feel better and more confident by dressing and presenting yourself in sexy ways. Find clothes that fit well and play up your best parts, including lingerie. Set up the lighting and environment in your bedroom in an appealing way. Maybe discover which sexual positions make you feel more sexy and give your husband an eyeful of your good stuff. Learn to walk into the bedroom with good posture and confidence. Do those things that make you feel pretty, like taking a bubble bath, getting or giving yourself a pedicure, or wearing sassy panties.

It’s okay to spruce yourself up a little. We shouldn’t rest on outward adornment for our sense of value, but you can find numerous examples in the scriptures of women making an effort to appeal to their men. Naomi even coached Ruth in getting a husband by telling her to “Wash, put on perfume, and get dressed in your best clothes” (Ruth 3:3). Not bad advice.

Ultimately, the fix for not feeling good about yourself is to do positive things to be attractive and to replace negative self-talk with positive truths.

I would love to hear from other wives who have struggled with body image and how they positively changed their viewpoint.

“My beloved spoke and said to me,

‘Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, come with me.'”

Song of Songs 2:10

Sex is For Bunnies…But Not Only Them

In my initial post inviting questions from readers (Q&A with J at HHH), I mentioned a few rules. Among them was the following:

No protesters will be allowed the microphone. Yes, that means you in the back there with the big sign that says, “SEX IS FOR BUNNIES ONLY.” I am tired of your Rabbit-Centered Group harassing me day and night. Security will now be escorting you out of the building. Thank you very much.

Stuffed bunnies mating

Get a room already!

Paul Byerly of one of my favorite marriage blogs, The Generous Husband, presented his question in the comments: “My bunny is single, but I think she is having inappropriate thoughts about her tennis ball. Any advice?”

Well, in keeping with my personal commitment to discuss anything and everything regarding sexuality with a biblical perspective and practical approach, I am answering this question!

First, Paul, the secular world is likely to suggest that your bunny do one of two things: (1) find another bunny in short order and set up a rendezvous or (2) take care of business with that tennis ball. In fact, you might see articles in Bunny Babes Magazine such as “Finding Furry Friends with Benefits” or “10 Ways to Make a Buck’s Bunny Ears Curl.” Moreover, the people who brought you and your dog the Hot Doll would probably be happy to design a tennis-ball shaped sex toy for your randy rabbit. But you and your bunny shouldn’t settle for anything less than God’s design for intimacy.

Rabbits mate for reproduction, not to say that they aren’t having a good time. However, God designed your bunny to engage in intimate activity with someone who will be the father of her bunny babies. Don’t let her get talked into some romp in the woods with no possibility of a litter of floppy-eared cuties coming from this act.

That said, the tennis ball isn’t going to do it. It may provide a temporary release of sexual tension, but not the deep satisfying intimacy that a better bunny can have by holding out for the real thing.

The Bible is clear that we should “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18). When Joseph found himself tempted by Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39), he literally ran from her. In Matthew 18:9, Jesus says that “if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.” Indeed, that is what you need to do for your bunny.

No! Don’t gouge out her eye. It’s much easier in this case to simply remove the temptation. Get rid of that sultry tennis ball. Whatever is causing her mind to wander into dangerous territory needs to be tossed out the door.

That isn’t the end of it, though. The Apostle Paul gives advice about the unmarried in 1 Corinthians 7:9: “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” It sounds like your bunny is indeed having a hard time controlling her passions. Maybe it’s time to think about getting another bunny? Your doe might need a buck in the house to establish a relationship, get her jollies, and spread their gene pool. Bunnies are particularly good at heeding God’s commandment to “Be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:22).

Be forewarned, however. You might want to know what to expect if you bring a handsome buck into the home to satisfy your tennis-ball-obsessed bunny doe. The mating ritual involves the male mounting the female and wig-wagging quite a bit. It’s not a loud affair; bunnies are quiet. But you will know the male is done when he suddenly stops and falls over. (I kid you not. I looked it up.)

Sounds a little like some human husbands.

Unlike human hubbies, however, male bunnies only need a minute or so, and then they can go back at it. When the female bunny is “done,” I don’t know. I think she simply hops away.

I hope my answer helps you and your bunny in the quest for godly intimacy for all species. We could learn a little ourselves from this post, I think.

In short, for all the bunnies and non-bunnies out there:

  • If something is causing you sexual temptation, get some distance from it.
  • Your desire for sex is natural and God-given. It just needs to be in the right context — a committed marriage.
  • If you are married, get busy like a bunny. But try not to fall over when you’re done.

Sources: Successful Rabbit Breeding video on YouTube – be prepared to laugh; Bible Gateway – my go-to place for scripture searches; How Do Rabbits Mate? from ehow – where I learned about the falling phenomenon

A Month Without Sex?! Advice for New Moms

Last week, I invited readers to submit their questions to me with the promise that I would answer in future posts. For the next few weeks, I’ll cover one topic each Monday. Today’s question was the first submitted, and perhaps the most time sensitive since the reader is pregnant and expecting “any day now.”

My husband and I (married since last May) have what I would consider a healthy sex life. We are expecting our first child any day now, and I’m worried about that month after the birth of our child. How do we keep the spark while we are both dead tired and unable to have intercourse? I have always had a fairly high sex drive, so because I know I’ll be able to satisfy my husband in other ways I’m quite worried mainly for myself. Any post-birth coping tips for that first month? It makes me sad to miss out on a month of sex before we even have our one year anniversary.

First, what a great attitude about your marital intimacy! Your husband likely feels lucky already. 

Mom kissing baby

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

Second, congratulations! Psalm 127:3 says, “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” I love my children with parts of me I didn’t know existed until they came into the world and stole my heart.

That said, children are also an interruption, a frustration, and a pain in the posterior at times. (Just ask God about His children.) They can seriously disrupt a couple’s sleep schedule and sex life.

And it starts on Day 1 when the hospital, for some inexplicable reason, sends you home with a small human being and no instruction manual. Here you are, wiped out from childbirth, with nothing more than high hopes, a collection of baby supplies, and tidbits of advice from here and there, and you are handed a living, breathing infant.

Consequently, in the first few days, most wives are not thinking, “Oh no, why can’t I have sex?” They are thinking, “Why can’t I have sleep?!” They are wondering how they can afford food now that half their budget goes toward diapers. They are eyeballing the section of their belly that used to be a taut baby bump and now looks like a satchel of blubber. They are considering how scared they are to let out that first bowel movement. (Am I telling the truth, moms?)

Even the husbands may be wondering when the little guy will stop crying or how much pee and poop an eight-pound baby can manufacture! Daddy may feel a bit overwhelmed too.

So yeah, “dead tired” as the reader describes sounds about right.

Then there is the medical restriction on not having intercourse while your nether regions heal from pushing out a head that felt the size of a Mount Rushmore resident. (Okay, it’s not that bad. You’ll do fine! I promise.)

Now that I’ve instilled dread into every pregnant wife out there, here are some tips. Because you are a beautiful, amazing wife and mom; your marriage can stay strong; your intimacy can be managed; and children are a blessing from the Lord.

Let yourself heal. If you attempt intercourse too soon, you may traumatize that area more and have to wait longer before trying again. Expect that there will be a period of time when your focus is on physical recovery and getting to know your baby. In fact, the Old Testament required women to refrain from sex for at least 1-2 weeks (and based on an interpretation I don’t want to cover here, up to 80 days) so that they could heal. These days, most doctors suggest waiting 4-6 weeks to resume intercourse.

Remember that sex isn’t only intercourse. If you can’t score the touchdown now, kick a field goal. (I’m American and don’t know how to translate that to soccer/futbol.) You need not define sex narrowly as the Tab A/Slot B conjoining. You can perform a “hand job,” give your husband a “blow job,” or mutually masturbate. As long as you are comfortable with it and focused on one another, find other physically intimate activities while your lady parts heal and your baby learns to sleep for longer than a movie lasts. In fact, you might look at this time as an opportunity to try something different, explore your spouse, or master a new skill.

If it’s time to resume and sex is painful, report it to your doctor. Then ask for a physical examination. For example, after the birth of one of my children, our attempts to copulate felt like daggers being stabbed into my vagina. Thankfully, I discovered that I was very low on estrogen, and my doctor prescribed a treatment cream which remedied the problem (see Pain & Pleasure). The first time won’t be as comfortable, but intercourse shouldn’t make you cringe and cry.

Engage in plenty of non-sexual affection. Baby will need lots of attention. It’s easy to redirect affection onto this little one and find yourselves not touching one another as much. But even if you can’t be sexually intimate, you can convey intimacy through touch. Reserve some hugs, hand-holding, brushes against a body, and cuddling for your husband. Remind him through affection that you still desire him and, when the time is right, you can resume sexual activity. A 20-second hug has even been shown to release Oxytocin, the body’s bonding chemical, helping you to feel connected.

Be amazed by your body. After the birth of the baby, your hormones can get as tangled up as a twisted slinky. Your body takes time to readjust. Plus, your body doesn’t look quite like it did before. Thus, many moms are prone to having low to no sex drive, crying for any and all reason, and standing in front of the mirror in a full-fledged pity party over the changes in their body. But moms, believe it when your husband says that you are gorgeous, he is amazed by you, and he wants you as much as ever. So what if you have circles under your eyes from 3:00 a.m. feedings? So what if your jelly belly hangs over your undies? You gave birth to a new life. You rock! You are beautiful, desirable, and sexy!

Remember “This too shall pass.” This proverb is often attributed to King Solomon. (It’s the same phrase you’ll want to repeat to yourself when your child learns the word whatever accompanied by an eye-roll, circa age 13). You’re spending the rest of your life with your hubby, so you’ve got umpteen years to go at it like wild monkeys. Having to sit on opposite sides and snack on bananas for a few weeks won’t seem like such a long time when all is said and done. Re-establish your sex life as soon as you can, but don’t sweat every moment either. Resume activity and increase sexual frequency as your body heals and the demands on your time decrease.

For even more tips on what I wish I had done in those years just after having children, see When My Sex Life Sucked, Part 1 and Part 2.

I wish you, Reader, and other pregnant wives the best with childbirth and the infant years. The days are long, but the years go fast. Enjoy your little one and let this time bring you and your husband together.

To ask me another question, head back to the original post HERE. I’ll get to each and every one eventually!

Feel free to post your own suggestions for pregnant and new moms in the comments. How did you get through those first months?

Q&A with J at HHH

Q&AWhile I have several drafted posts in my queue, none of them is exactly where I want it to be to publish. I figured that this would be a great time to set up a microphone and let the audience ask questions. A few rules for the Q&A session here:

1. Ask anything about marriage and sexuality. That’s my focus. Yes, I am 100% certain that other factors impact marital health (finances, communication, etc.) However, my focus is physical intimacy in marriage. Anything within that realm is fair game.

2. Please do not ask: “How do I fix my marriage’s disastrous sex life?” By that, I mean that I am not a doctor, a therapist, a theologian, a psychic, a swami, a genie, a wizard, or Dr. Phil. I am a marriage and sexuality advocate, an intimacy blogger, a wife, a mom, and most importantly a Christian. I am happy to answer specific questions based on my experience, my understanding of Scripture, my academic background, and research I have done. However, I cannot in one paragraph give you the quick fix to all of your marriage’s problems. No one can. Your marriage can be healed, but it is a process. So rather than share your entire history, think of specific questions you want to ask that would help to address the biggest or most solvable issues in your relationship.

3. I will not answer any questions about my identity. I am J. I’m kind of like “M” or “Q” in the James Bond films; Agent K and Agent J in Men in Black; or X in algebra: I am cloaked in mystery. Well, for now.

4. No protesters will be allowed the microphone. Yes, that means you in the back there with the big sign that says, “SEX IS FOR BUNNIES ONLY.” I am tired of your Rabbit-Centered Group harassing me day and night. Security will now be escorting you out of the building. Thank you very much.

Otherwise, leave a comment below and ask whatever you wish. As you may know, I am willing to discuss almost anything on my blog which impacts marriage and sexuality. I come from a biblical point of view and use common sense, research, and experience to address issues as well.

Here are a few answers to questions you may have already had swirling around in your genius brains that relate to moi:

Does my husband strut sometimes since I write a sex blog? Why yes, yes he does. But not because I write about how much I love sex with my husband. He was already doing the manly strut because our intimate life is a satisfying one. We both feel blessed to have this gift from our Heavenly Father and enjoy one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the act of sex.

Do I make money from writing my blog? No. I have only featured one affiliate link, from Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. The link was for her Sexy Summit, in which she invited 10 marvelous experts to talk about marriage and sex. I have not received any money from promoting that product at this point. In the future, I may have more affiliates, but I will only promote those products that I believe in regardless. However, I will clearly disclose any affiliate products, and I am not doing this blog to make money.

Does your mother know? This question was asked by a commenter: “Does your mother know you write this blog?” Certain circumstances prompted me to tell her; so yes, my mother knows. Does she read it? No! While we may want our parents and children to have quality physical intimacy in their marriages, we do not want to hear about it.

What’s my day job? As explained in my bio, I am a wife, a mother, and a writer. What do I write besides a Christian sex blog? Fiction. No need to say more at this point.

Is my bedroom a sex haven? For instance, do I have a bear rug, a heart-shaped bed, and a disco ball in my bedroom? No, but I would be willing to try that out. According to our house plans, however, the original builder (an engineer) did install additional soundproofing to the master bedroom. I thank him for that.

Now it’s your turn. Fire away! This is the time for the Q’s in the comments section. I will be interested to see what you ask. Then I’ll be on my knees praying about my response. My A (Answer) part will come in a future post or posts.

Blessings to all!

Comments closed at the end of October 2012.