5 Tips for Reaching Climax

On Monday, I compared various sensations of orgasm to an amusement park. (Because my brain works strangely like that.) But I know some wives still haven’t achieved orgasm, and others have been on that ride but not as often as they’d like.

So here are five tips for reaching climax:

Woman's hand counting to five

1. Empty your brain. Okay, okay, I know some of you women are clutching your sides with laughter. The notion of a wife, mom, household manager, worker, and task-master shoving everything out of her brain is like me suggesting you lasso a hurricane. But get your rope ready, girlfriend, because I believe in you!

As long as you have other things running through your brain besides your arousal and love and connection, it will be hard to climax. So how do you “empty your brain”? Start by preparing for sex, doing what you need to do to focus on the marriage bed. Then shift your mind away from stray thoughts that try to pull you away and onto what’s happening in your body and with your husband; this is a process you’ll likely have to practice. Meditate on the sensations in your body and lean into your pleasure.

By the way, one of those distractions you don’t want running through your brain is concern about whether or not you’ll climax. Thinking about pleasure and thinking about climax aren’t the same thing. Focus on your feelings, and then let the excitement happen.

2. Get to know your body. In one sense, female orgasm is pretty straightforward in that stimulation of the clitoris, direct or indirect, is what leads to that Squeee! moment. But how your clitoris likes to be stimulated is specific to you.

Which means that achieving orgasm means you need to experiment and explore how you like to be touched. Some wives like to try a bit of this on their own first, as personal education, so they can better instruct their husbands later. Or a husband can simply try a bunch of different touches — varying pressure, stroke, angle, location, etc. You can also work together, with you touching yourself and then letting him mimic the motions.

But it could be well-worth your time to take a lovemaking session, or two or three, and find out what really gets you revved up. Many husbands are very willing to give this a go, if you let them know you want to increase your excitement in the bedroom. During this time, don’t focus so much on climax as learning what gives you extreme pleasure. Extreme pleasure should eventually lead to climax.

3. Ask for what you want. Raise your hand if it feels awkward to speak up for something you want during sex! I see all of you out there, and years ago I would have raised my hand too. But honestly, how’s a guy to know what feels bad or good to you unless you tell him?

If you really want him to stop that good-heavens-doesn’t-he-know-I-hate-that move, you have to speak up. Of course, you should use your nice words — something like, “That’s a little too much pressure for me. Could you touch me more gently? I think that would really turn me on.”

Then when your husband really hits the sweet spot, let him know. As if that man just shot a nothing-but-net basket, you should cheer him on. (You go, husband! Well done.) You can leave out your pom-poms (or not), but tell him with words, moans, happy noises, or a little mutual pleasuring when he’s doing something that arouses you.

4. Change it up. The next challenge is that even when something feels totally awesome at the moment, you may need something else a minute later to keep you rising toward that peak. I feel for husbands, because some of them treat our woman parts like a genie lamp — thinking that once they find the right place and way to rub, they can just keep doing it and the magic will be released.

It’s more like rub a little here, rub a little there, harder here, softer there — yeah, like a moving target at times. But hey, your fabulous hubby is up to the challenge, and you can let him know what your body is craving for. Help him vary his approach and keep you on the path toward the peak.

As your excitement increases, you’ll likely want greater pressure, faster stroking, and maybe additional stimulation elsewhere — such as touching or kissing your breasts or digital penetration. If your arousal reaches a plateau, change something up and see if that gets you climbing again.

5. Fogettaboutit! As I said before, one of the climax-killing things you can do is worry too much about reaching orgasm. Do you want to get there? Sure. But worry tenses your body and makes you less responsive to arousal.

So once you’re in the midst of sexual pleasure, just enjoy it. Get as much pleasure as you can from the experience, and be sure to pleasure your husband as well. Your ultimate goal is intimacy, and climax is only one thing that contributes to that one-flesh experience.

If you don’t get there today, you might get there tomorrow. Or next week. Or while at the in-laws’ house during the holidays (Wouldn’t that be a hoot?). But focus on your lovemaking feeling fabulous, and you may find the orgasm comes on its own.

So there are some of my tips.

Now what suggestions do you have for achieving orgasm? What have you found that works? Or doesn’t work?

The Amusement Park of Orgasms

Orgasm seems to be a rather straightforward experience. Scientifically speaking, a woman has had an orgasm when she releases sexual tension through rhythmic muscular contractions in her pelvic area. These spasms are accompanied by heightened sexual pleasure — of the my-world-just-kaboomed-and-I-liked-it sort.

But not all orgasms are the same. While there’s long been a debate about whether there are two kinds of orgasm — clitoral and vaginal — or just one, in terms of experience, there are really many kinds.

Santa Monica Pier

Here are some of the options of what you may have felt or might feel in the future (if you haven’t had an orgasm yet). I hope you enjoy my made-up terms for them. ;)

Roller Coaster Dip Orgasm. This is the basic orgasm you’ve had or heard about. Tension gathers as you move up the sexual arousal incline, your pleasure increasing and increasing and increasing. And then you hit a tipping point and go soaring over the hump with a blast of pleasure and maybe a squeee! to boot. It’s a rather exhilarating experience.

"TopThrillDragsterCedarPointe". Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:TopThrillDragsterCedarPointe.JPG#mediaviewer/File:TopThrillDragsterCedarPointe.JPG

by Matt314, via Wikimedia Commons

It usually happens with clitoral stimulation, either directly through digital manipulation or oral sex, or indirectly with rubbing against that area during intercourse. The Roller Coaster Dip is also what you’re likely to experience with masturbation or a sex toy (I’m not suggesting either of those here, simply mentioning the tie-in).

Tilt-a-Whirl Orgasm. Don’t remember the tilt-a-whirl? Think teacup ride at Disney World. You’re in a small enclosure going around a big circular platform (think of that as your overall sexual arousal) and now and again centrifugal force swirls you around in a stomach-plunging wave of excitement (orgasm).

By Calle Eklund/V-wolf via Wikimedia Commons

So the Tilt-a-Whirl Orgasm is a series of waves of pleasure, with a small dip in between but rising again to a crest of excitement. These waves can be within seconds of each other, and you might have two or three or more in a row.

Vaginal orgasm may conform to this experience, as the intercourse experience can make your pleasure feel deeper and more intense, resulting in waves rather than a single peak. But you can also have this type of orgasm with foreplay.

Spin Me Crazy Orgasm. When we visited the amusement park, my kids always wanted to go on this one ride that freaked out the mother in me. People were secured into seats at the ends of these long arms, and then the whole thing rose into the air. The arms twisted around, and each car revolved over and over and over. There was no literally no downtime between thrills and screams, just an ongoing assault of frenzy and excitement.

© Milan Nykodym, Czech Republic, via Wikimedia Commons

Sometimes an orgasm feels like that. As if you have no downtime whatsoever between the repeated sensations of pleasure overcoming your body. It’s like you peak-peak-peak over and over. How long can you keep that up? Well, like any ride, eventually a girl gets dizzy, you know? But more likely, the tension releases, the sensations stop having that effect, you just feel like it’s enough, or something…and the spinning stops.

And yes, leaving you an exhausted heap of what-just-happened?

Swing Out Orgasm. Sometimes, however, an orgasm just feels like a free-and-easy swirl through the air. Like that ride where you sit in a chair suspended by cables and fly out over the ground. It’s not as thrill-inducing, but it’s a moment of surrender and excitement.

By Ricardo630, via Wikimedia Commons

By Ricardo630, via Wikimedia Commons

That orgasm can feel like a pleasant wave riding over your body. The spasms may be less intense and further apart, but the climax still releases tension and brings a wash of calm and happiness. A not-as-strong orgasm may be just the thing you need to let go and bask in that beautiful moment of intimacy with your husband.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of all the orgasms possible. I simply want to draw attention to the fact that orgasms are not a one-size-fits-all. If you experience heightened pleasure and spasms in your pelvis, you’ve had an orgasm. And let’s hope you reveled in it.

Not to mention the grin and swagger your husband gave afterward.

And if you haven’t had an orgasm yet, here’s some advice on getting there. Don’t sweat or worry that you haven’t reached this particular climax; rather, keep pleasuring each other in your marriage bed and finding ways to enjoy your intimacy as much as possible…and you’ll likely get there. As you can see, it’s quite a ride!

How would you describe the orgasms you’ve experienced? What advice might you have for other Christian wives on this wild ride?

Let’s Talk About Sex, Shall We?

What a treat today to welcome Lauren Hanna! She’s a blogger at The Encouragement Express, which delivers daily encouragement to believers. It could be a verse, a quote, a blog post, or something else that gets you thinking and inspires you in your day.

Lauren describes herself as a “Holy Spirit junkie” and she loves puns, so I knew she was my kind of gal when she offered a guest post to Hot, Holy & Humorous. She’s got a perspective I couldn’t have offered, so I’m thrilled to have her here today — talking about why we should go ahead and talk about sex.

Take it away, Lauren!

Mom & daughter talking

I am a 25-year-old engaged virgin. You can only imagine the comments that I have heard because of this. There has been something that I have noticed though. So many people shy away from talking about sex around me. Because of this there is a fear that I have discovered, and I want to expose it. The fear is… “If I talk about sex to someone and tell them how great it is, they are going to end up sleeping around.”

I want to stand (metaphorically of course) in front of all of you and say, “I am living proof that this is not true.” In fact, quite the opposite is true. So for all of you happily marrieds out there, let me encourage you — talk about sex. Talk about it with your single friends, kids, and kids’ friends. Now hear me on this, obviously be age appropriate with these conversations. You don’t need to go graphic for us to get the picture, but it’s something that needs to be talked about.

I have been very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing women mentors who were never afraid to be vulnerable with me when I had those awkward questions. Let’s face it. We’re all curious, and if we don’t find out the information from someone we know and trust, we’ll go looking for it elsewhere.

I remember the first potentially awkward conversation I had with a worship leader at my church when I was in my late teens. My best friend and I came up to her, wondering what on earth KY was. We had been seeing all of these commercials on TV for it. We knew it dealt with something in the bedroom, but no idea what or why it was needed. God bless this worship leader! She sat us down, and proceeded to describe what it was, and why lubricants are used. She described how the first time having sex can sometimes hurt the woman and having a lubricant can make the process a lot easier. Call me naive, but I had no idea that was even a thing! I just figured that the first time I had sex it would go like clockwork. My whole world opened up.

Having women in my life who answer these questions is priceless. I mean you should hear the questions I have asked. Be creative in thinking about that, because chances are I’ve asked what you’re thinking about.

Another reason why I think it is so important for the marrieds to talk about sex, is because you are having it in exactly the way the Lord intended. You don’t realize it, but we see and take in everything. We look at you guys and dream of what our marriages will be like.

These women who’ve mentored me have all talked about their sex life in some capacity to me. Sometimes it’s as a joke or a funny story. Sometimes it’s been endearing and romantic. And sometimes it’s even shown me how sex can comfort you in times of trial and grief. All of these things make me so look forward to getting to be with my future husband. However, hearing their stories showed me how intimate sex is, that it’s not really meant to be as casual as our culture would say. To be honest, I didn’t want to be that intimate with anyone else besides my husband.

The best way I can describe it is this. Remember when you were a kid at a theme park, and you couldn’t go on a roller coaster ride because you were too short? Oh you heard the tales of how exciting and fun these machines are, and you couldn’t wait until you were tall enough. If you were like me you would stand next to the fridge and pray that you would be as tall as it was. Did you try to sneak on the ride anyway? No. You waited. Eagerly. Then that day came when you were tall enough to ride the roller coaster, and you were so excited! That’s how all the talking about sex has been for me. I’m the kid who’s not quite tall enough to ride the roller coaster. I understand that it’s best if I wait because it’ll be so much better if I do.

Finally, talking about sex takes the pressure off. I’m sure you remember your first time — there’s a lot of pressure! However, when I read blogs like this one, and talk to family and friends it completely takes the pressure off having to perform.

I have begun to understand that having sex is so much more than the physical. It is the mental, emotional, and spiritual too. The way sex has been portrayed to me is a deeper intimacy between you, your best friend, and the Lord. Sometimes all will go as planned, and other times it won’t — so you have a good laugh and move on. In fact, it has been told to me on more than one occasion that we don’t have to feel like we need to get everything perfect the first time… or the second… or the tenth time! We have our whole lives to get to know each other in this way. That removed the weight of the world off me the first time I heard it.

So please, on behalf of all the single people out there. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, and certainly don’t hold back if we ask you something. On behalf of my generation, we need this.

I know more people who have fallen into porn, because they got curious about how this stuff works and next thing you know, they’re addicted. I have more friends who wish someone would have had a real conversation about sex, answer their questions, and more specifically talk about why it’s important to keep sex in the bounds of marriage. Multiple people have told me they probably would have waited until marriage to have sex had those conversations occurred.

You have a precious gift and a wealth of wisdom that we need. This generation and the next are crying out for it. I promise you we will be far more receptive than you realize. Even if we act awkward or annoyed, don’t let it discourage you. It is still sinking in! You’re planting seeds, and giving us the best chance for a successful marriage and sex life. Both my fiancé and I have learned way more than most going into marriage, and because of that we have been set up for success in the bedroom as well as our marriage as a whole.

Lauren HannaLauren Hanna is a 25-year-old composer based out of LA. She took up blog writing about five years ago when people started asking her to send them daily encouragements. One thing lead to another, and now she is the writer of a successful blog called The Encouragement Express. She loves God with all her heart and loves seeing people become who He made them to be.

Sex Wisdom I Learned & Teach

I’m a member of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. This month, CMBA has issued a challenge for marriage bloggers to answer the following questions:

What words have encouraged you in your marriage? What wisdom has helped guide you and your spouse in strengthening your marriage?

The focus this week is on what wisdom you received from family.

Since I write on Christian sex in marriage, this is a particularly interesting line of inquiry. How many in my generation can say they received quality information and encouragement that prepared them for sex in marriage? I’m guessing it’s a small percentage. Possibly speck-sized for some people.

Blog post title

I had a few conversations with my parents, and they were okay. But my parents were clearly uncomfortable discussing sexual information with me. In fact, instead of giving me “the talk,” I was given a book to read in which the boy and girl were shaped — I kid you not! — like something between Peanuts and Precious Moments characters. (It’s a wonder I didn’t develop an unhealthy crush on Charlie Brown.)

Honestly, the most encouraging words about sexuality that my parents ever gave me . . . weren’t words about sexuality at all. They encouraged me to read my Bible. And in the long-term, that’s paid off in spades.

Because God has taught me so much about His gift of sexuality.

That said, it took me a while to get there. So as a parent, I’m trying to lay the groundwork for my own kids to have a healthy, godly view of sexuality. And what words of wisdom am I teaching them? I hope you’ll head over to Sheila Gregoire’s site, where I guest posted on Tuesday with Top 10 Things I Want My Kids to Know about Sex.

And for more tips on talking about sex with your children, here are some other posts I’ve done on this subject:

Teach Your Kids the Correct Words for Body Parts

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One and Done

Is “Don’t Have Sex” for Teens?

How to Talk to a Teen about Sex

What wisdom did you receive from family about sex in marriage? What wisdom are you passing on to your family?

Missed Connections & Marital Intimacy

Have you heard of “Missed Connections”? It’s a fairly recent phenomenon in which someone posts a personal ad recounting a missed opportunity to romantically connect with another person they encountered. A typical ad might read something like this:

We work out at the same gym, and you usually wear a pink t-shirt with black shorts. On Monday, we traded long looks while both on the treadmills. I really want to get to know you. Please respond so we can get together sometime. Name the gym, so I know you’re the right person.

People report “missed connections” anywhere from coffee shops to gas stations to bars to intersections. And while I personally think this is a terrible way to try to find love, it got me to thinking how we often have our own missed connections in marriage.

pair of male and female hands with blue puzzle pieces

Lately, my husband and I have been struggling to find time together. His work schedule and mine haven’t coincided well, and there have been plenty of interruptions and challenges to our making love. Even lack of communication can be a problem, as when I had an early morning appointment one day and went from there to run errands — and later in the day, my hubby admitted that he’d thought I would come home in between so we could make love, “but I don’t think I was clear about that.” Nope.

Missed. Connection.

I suspect most of us have those seasons in our lives when we can’t seem to get on the same page long enough to connect emotionally, relationally, sexually. Unfortunately, some marriages seemed to be largely comprised of missed connections, with a lack of communication, disruptions, nervousness, or whatever standing in the way of sexual intimacy.

Maybe it’s time to place a personal ad, so to speak. Maybe you need to let your spouse know that you want to prioritize that intimate connection. Maybe you could tell him or write him or, hey, even show him that you’ve noticed it’s been a while and you want to remedy that.

To my own husband, I want to say:

We live in the same house, and you’re usually busy with work, taking care of the household, or fathering our children. And while I’ve enjoyed our conversations and small affections, I want to get to know you again — biblically, that is. Please show up in the bedroom in the next ten minutes, where you will find your loving wife eagerly waiting. I already know you’re the right person, so let’s remind ourselves of this one-flesh gift from God.

Have you been experiencing missed connections with your husband? Or wife? What has been getting in the way of you two being sexually intimate as you desire? How can you communicate to your spouse you want to reconnect?