Where All Marriages Should Start Improving Their Sex Lives

I hear from a lot of spouses unhappy with the sexual intimacy in their marriage. At least many more than there should be. Unfortunately, I have no single piece of advice to follow, no magic pill to swallow, and no 30-day solution guaranteed! program for you to implement. I wish I did.

Instead, there are individualized answers to convoluted scenarios and godly principles to guide us on what sex in marriage should look like. It should be mutual, frequent, satisfying, and God-honoring. It should draw you closer, not further apart. And it should help keep you invested in this covenant relationship for a lifetime.

Yet whatever issue you’re facing, there’s a basic place you have to start. It’s called love.

Simple thing, love. Simple to understand, that is. But it’s super-hard to love on a consistent, unfailing basis. And when things aren’t going well, and we feel our spouse is the problem, it’s easy to forget to show love.

We start thinking of our spouse as the enemy — the one demanding too much sex or withholding sex or just doing sex wrong. We lash out at our spouse, from a place of woundedness. We fail to treat them the way we would want to be treated.

We love down deep, but in practice? Not so loving. Yet that’s where all redemptive change begins — with love in action.

Since it’s the month of looooove — Valentine’s Day is coming up, after all — I’m focusing my memory verse challenge on loving your spouse. Last week, our marriage memory verse came from the book of John. And we’re back to that book again this week.

Memory Verse 2-6-16

Let’s break this down a bit:

My – Jesus is talking. This comes straight from the Son of God, so have no doubt it’s important.

Command – Not a suggestion, not a guideline. No wiggle room here. It’s a command.

Love – The Greek word used here is, no surprise, agape. Think Love In Action. Or God’s love flowing through you to your spouse.

Each other – If agape love is going both ways, your marriage will be strong.

As I have loved you – Jesus Christ is the standard — the one who served  others, sacrificed himself, and saved us all provides the role model.

The verse is short and simple, but it’s packed with great truth. Where do all marriages need to start improving their sexual intimacy, and anything else plaguing them? I believe it begins with Christ-like love.

Memory Verse Help

Post-It notes. They are your memorization friend.

This week’s idea for helping you commit this verse to memory is to grab a stack of Post-It notes, write the scripture on several sheets, and adhere them around your house wherever you’re likely to see them most. Your bathroom mirror, your chest of drawers, above the TV screen, the back door, your desk . . . any place you frequently come across.

Make a point to read the scripture each time you see its Post-It note. Throughout the week, you’ll end up saying the verse many times in your head, helping you commit it to memory.

Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.

I aim my blog primarily at wives. But this post is for the hubbies. Still, I’m hoping you wives will read along and let me know if you agree.

Guys, maybe you think that headline is not a newsflash. You already knew that about women. But have you really thought it through lately? How much focusing on the foreplay itself matters to your wife?

We wives are not stupid. We know you really like the main event. And since many men are goal-oriented by nature, it’s no surprise that plenty of husbands view foreplay as a means to an end. They see foreplay like the pre-game festivities before the kickoff and all that scoring happens.

Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.

Even if the husband is incredibly wonderful at foreplay, like the Foreplay King, a wife can often sense when her husband is showing affection or pleasuring her so that he can move onto the good stuff.

But here’s the thing: To us, foreplay is the good stuff.

Not that sex isn’t good stuff too. But affection, flirting, foreplay, and sex are jumbled up together in one big, beautiful, ribbon-wrapped package. They all communicate desire and intimacy.

It’s why the one tip I’ve given husbands over and over is to slow down. Let her enjoy the full experience. And hey, you should enjoy the full experience too.

Frankly, I think we understood this better long before we were married. Can you remember back to the days when just touching a breast sounded like a dream come true? When you couldn’t wait to “cop a feel” or see her in her underwear? How about the wonder of the first time she touched you down there? In a way, those lead-up events were the event. Your nerves certainly felt some delicious tingles and satisfaction with those experiences.

Why is it we often get further into marriage and stop appreciating those moments? Have you neglected to spend the time you should on simply savoring one another’s bodies?

Maybe you need a few reminders or tips on what kind of foreplay you wife would love. Here are some ideas:

Speaking softly and longingly. Are words foreplay? I think they can be. Move close and whisper expressions of love and desire. Tell her she’s beautiful, how much she means to you, and how much you long to be “one flesh” with her. You can be as serious or as playful as you want, but express your sexual longing through sensual words.

Make out. Yes, like teenagers on the living room couch. When’s the last time you smooched just for the sake of smooching? Kiss her lips, sure, but kiss her neck, behind her ears, down her shoulders — anywhere that she likes.

Undress her slowly. Take your sweet time unbuttoning her shirt, sliding her dress off her body, inching her panties down her legs. Draw out this unveiling and make an effort to closely eye and appreciate every inch of your wife’s beautiful form. We know when you’re looking at us like you’ve ravenous wolves or art connoisseurs, so aim for the latter, please.

Touch her whole body, not just the goodies. I will contend until the day I die that one of the sexiest things about my husband is his manly hands. His touch is like no other to me. I suspect your wife appreciates your touch too, when it’s applied in a loving way. Stroke her body slowly and gently — her arms, legs, back, torso. Just make sure you spend time on other places before you move to the goodies, like her breasts and down below. Since her curves are different from yours and her skin is softer, you might find that you really enjoy this extended touching time too.

Pleasure her to orgasm. What foreplay your wife responds to is something you’ll need to figure out. Her breasts might be a major erogenous zone. Or she might love you giving her manual play with your hands and fingers. Perhaps she wants you to give her oral sex. Find out what she likes and then go to town. Downtown, that is. Stimulate her all the way to orgasm. This might take some time, and it might not even happen this time. But if you make unbelievable pleasure for her your goal, it should feel good to her regardless.

You don’t have to do all of these every time. But think about how you can really focus on foreplay and what that would mean to your wife. Wouldn’t that convey that you value her body and her pleasure? Not just what she can provide you and your climax?

Of course, I hope your wife comes through the bedroom door with the same attitude. Attending to each other’s needs and desires makes for a better sexual encounter for both of you.

Sex Savvy On Sale This Month Only!

Mondays are usually my Q&A with J day. However, I am currently under deadline and furiously trying to get things done. Plus, I wanted to do something special for y’all for the love month of February.

So here it is! Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives is on sale — for the first time ever! From today through February 29, you can get the e-book of Sex Savvy from Barnes & Noble or from Amazon for $2.99.

Here are just a few things that cost more:

  • A frappucino at Starbucks
  • Two gallons of gasoline (U.S. prices)
  • Most greeting cards these days
  • A Big Mac from McDonald’s
  • A magazine at the checkout stand
  • That shirt on clearance that you know you don’t really need, but it’s just so cheap and cute
  • A movie ticket
  • Most lipsticks
  • Another pair of shoes — no matter where you get them

Isn’t your sexual intimacy worth more? Why not fork out three bucks to improve your marriage bed? If you’ve been thinking about it, now’s the time to buy. Or gift it to someone else. Maybe a few someone elses.

The sale is only on e-book, but you simply can’t beat that price. And this is the one and only time this book will be on sale.

Celebrate Valentine’s month by putting a little extra oomph into your marital bedroom. Here’s more about the book and where you can buy:

Sex Savvy 300 x 450How’s your sex savvy?

Do you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? Would you like someone to share real-life tips on making the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage?

Put back the secular sources you flipped through in the bookstore, and pick up this biblically grounded handbook: Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives. Author J. Parker of Hot, Holy & Humorous gives candid advice for wives on everything from kissing to oral sex to orgasm to sexual positions — all from a Christian perspective.

Whether you’re a new bride finding her way around that king-sized mattress or an experienced wife who wants that mattress to sing, this book can boost your sex savvy and improve your marital intimacy.

Purchase ebook:

Amazon / Kindle | Barnes & Noble / Nook 

What Does Your Marital Intimacy Say about Your Faith?

By far one of the most eye-opening discoveries for me was when I realized that God and the truth of His Word extended into every single area of my life — including my marital bedroom. That revelation changed how I viewed sexual intimacy and my role as my husband’s lover.

It’s why I wrote The Gospel in the Bedroom — which remains one of my favorite posts about how Christ affects your sex life.

You could even make a case that the phrase “sex life” is a little silly, because having sex isn’t a life separate from the rest of the life you live. It’s all jumbled up together as part of who you are. You can’t shove God out of your bedroom as if your faith doesn’t reach into that part of your life.

You can’t pursue selfishness in your marriage bed, or withhold affection and intimacy from your spouse, or introduce sinful practices into your bedroom, and assume you’re a-okay with God because your sexuality is nobody’s business — private.

It’s not private to God.

‘Who can hide in secret places  so that I cannot see them?’ declares the Lord‘Do not I fill heaven and earth?’ declares the Lord. — Jeremiah 23:24 (See also Psalm 139; Job 28:24.)

But honestly, it’s not entirely private to others.

Of course, what you do in your marriage bed should be kept private between you and your spouse. But since our lives are not compartmentalized and our Christianity should be infused into everything we do, how things are going in our marriage beds spills over to other parts of our life. And I believe people around us sense more than we realize.

I know this to be true of children. Oftentimes when parents — who thought they were keeping issues from their children — announce a separation or divorce, the kids aren’t surprised. Maybe they couldn’t put their finger on what was wrong, but they knew things weren’t right.

Our friends also note how we talk about our spouses. If we’re doing right and feeling happy in our marriages, including our sexual intimacy, we speak differently. We are complimentary not complaining, hopeful not hopeless, gracious not grudging. Even if it’s only in our tone.

I know for some of you, this is extremely hard because you don’t have the cooperation of your spouse. You know your marriage bed isn’t what God wants it to be, but you really don’t know how to make things better. I’ve written about how to talk to your spouse about sexual problems, but course you can only control you. You remain responsible to God, your spouse, your family, and those around you to demonstrate Christ-like love. And things could change — not on the schedule you want, but someday. Maybe a someday sooner than you think.

Regardless of where you are in your marriage, your approach to your marital intimacy says something about your faith. It sends a message to God, to your spouse, to your children, and to your friends.

We are constantly witnessing with how we live our lives — in all areas.

Which is why the Bible has verses like these:

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

“Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.” 1 Peter 2:12

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

And it is this last one that I’ve chosen for our final January memory verse for your marriage.

Memory Verse 1-30-16

Such a simple statement, but a reminder to all of us in marriage that our marriage and marital intimacy say something about our faith. And good, godly marriages can be a witness to a struggling world.

Good, godly marriages can be a witness to a struggling world. Click To Tweet

Let’s work on improving sexual intimacy with our spouses not just for personal pleasure or to meet our physical or emotional needs. Let’s do it so that our marriages are solid, our lives are witnesses, and our children and others benefit from our commitment to God’s will.

Maybe others will never have any idea why our marriages persevere or why we are so content with our beloved, but they will sense that we are different. I truly believe this — that Christian spouses with close companionship and thriving sexual intimacy have a glow about them. They really do shine before others.

Memory Verse Help

Last week, nylse commented that she puts verses to songs to help remember them. That’s a great idea! In fact, I’d hoped to talk about that memory verse help, so here it is.

Here’s one version of John 13:35 set to music:

I’ve found quite a few Bible verses set to song on YouTube. You can simply enter a scripture citation and see what comes up.

But you can also do this yourself. Just about any lyrics can be sung to one of these two songs: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and the Gilligan’s Island theme. I’m not kidding! Try it. You’ll have to work the cadence in different ways to see how it best fits, but I’ve tried this and can nearly always get one of these two songs to work.

And because I know you’re thinking, Seriously? This works? Here’s my proof! (Warning: You may want to turn down the volume before pressing play.)

To Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star:


To Gilligan’s Island Theme:


This month’s memory verse theme has been about setting the right foundation for our marriages and sexual intimacy. I hope you picked one of these four scriptures to memorize!

“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:6

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” – Ephesians 5:21

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

What I Really Want for Valentine’s Day (Maybe You Do Too)

I’ve mentioned more than once on my blog that I’m not super-big on Valentine’s Day. Maybe it was ruined for me the year a high school boyfriend gave me a dozen roses in a thick glass vase, and two weeks later they all died on the same day. It was such a letdown, especially when I found out how much they cost and that I could have had a long-lasting outfit or a great pair of shoes for that kind of money.

Call me too practical.

But I don’t think I’m unromantic. I enjoy romance! It just doesn’t always look like what other people’s romance looks like. Which makes me think we should extend our definition of romance in our marriages and for Valentine’s.

So what do I really want for Valentine’s Day? And are any of my ideas what you might want from your spouse?

What I Really Want for Valentine's Day (Maybe You Do Too)

A lingering kiss. I’m talking about that long, soft-lipped kiss that says your spouse’s lips are the only ones you ever want to touch. The type of kiss that feels sweet and passionate all at once. The sort of kiss a fairy tale prince or warrior would plant on his beloved when they finally escape certain peril and find one another.

A hand-picked bunch of flowers. Here in Texas, you’d better make sure you don’t pick any bluebonnets, because picking the state flower on public land is a crime. But there are plenty of places where you could likely yank a few naturally growing flowers from the ground or clip some from a bush and bring them home to your honey. Me? I have a weakness for daisies, which always strike me as a cheerful flower.

A slow dance in our bedroom. I love being held in my husband’s arms and swaying in tandem. We don’t need great dance moves or perfect rhythm or even music playing. Sometimes he just takes me in his arms and sings (off-key) while we dance and I swoon.

A sexy greeting card. There are some very clever greeting cards out there for spouses to exchange, and quite a few of them are flirty, suggestive, or even seductive. I like the idea of my husband picking out the perfect card to say “I want you always…starting right here and now.”

A sightseeing excursion. We’ve done dinner and/or a movie plenty. But my best memories with my husband are when we’ve traveled or gone to museums or visited local attractions. We walk hand-in-hand, see interesting sights, and enjoy great discussions. We spend quality time together. And we don’t do it often enough.

A handwritten letter or poem. My favorite gift ever from my husband is a poem he wrote for my birthday one year. Poetically speaking, it’s bad. But in terms of my intimacy with him, it’s beautiful and unforgettable. He stepped way out of his comfort zone to write something for me he knew I’d like. And if he wants to do something like that every decade or so, that would be just fine with me.

A day in bed. Yes, an entire day that we spend in bed together. We could hole ourselves up in our bedroom and do everything from the cushy, cozy spot of our mattress: Watch TV or movies, eat snacks and meals, read books, have conversations, take an afternoon nap, and — oh yeah — get physically intimate. Maybe more than once.

Are any of these are your wish list? What other ideas would you love for your spouse to gift you with this Valentine’s Day?

And here are some other ideas from previous posts:

What to Get Your Husband for V-Day
13 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts from Your Grocery Store
7 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts You Can Make
“Go Big” Valentine’s Gifts for Your Spouse
8 Cool Valentine’s Gifts for Your Hot Hubby
8 Sweet Valentine’s Gifts for Your Spicy Wife
Valentine’s Day for the Rest of Us