Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post titled Oral Sex: How To in which I gave some tips to wives for giving a “blow job.” In the comments, it was suggested more than once that I discuss how wives can enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex.

Since I treated you last time to the internal dialogue I had before writing about fellatio, how about another peek into my brain? (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

Self 1: What should I call this post?

Self 2: How about “Lie Back and Think of England?”

Self 1: No. “Lie back and think of England” is what that crazy Brit lady said to make women think sex isn’t enjoyable. How about “Lie Back and Think of Tinglin'”? That’s more like it!

Self 2: Seriously?

Self 1: Sorta seriously. I could just call it “Goin’ Down.” Bow chicka wow-wow.

Self 2: You are going down . . . into the gutter, girlfriend. What’s wrong with you?

Self 1: Quite a few things. For one, I can’t cook all that well. Plus, my nose is kind of big. And my–

Self 2: No, no. I mean, why do you always joke about sex?

Self 1: Um . . . ’cause it’s funny?

Self 2: You think sex is funny?

Self 1: Don’t you? Hey, I’m about to tell a group of Christian wives why spreading their legs and letting hubbies’ mouths touch their private parts can be kinda nice. I’m even going to mention how it’s actually in the Bible! I sure didn’t know that when I was a teen. If that had been mentioned in my “becoming a woman” Bible class, I would have fallen out of my chair from embarrassment or laughter — or both.

Self 2: You’re digressing. How about “Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive”?

Self 1: I like it! Let’s go.

Wonder Woman: "Oh no you didn't!"

Oh yes, I did. Again.

Believe it or not, a lot of hubbies would like to get their wives tinglin’ down there. Several husbands have reported being physically aroused and emotionally moved by the openness of their wives when they can give oral sex.

But plenty of wives are nervous, resistant, or downright opposed to receiving cunnilingus (the scientific term for a woman receiving oral sex). For whatever reason, the idea of their husband’s mouth on their privates does not sound appealing. As before — with fellatio — I’m going to give some basic information. Perhaps after learning more about it, you may open up to the experience — figuratively and literally.

Is oral sex in marriage okay with God? This was discussed in the comments section in my first Oral Sex post. I have studied this question, and here are my conclusions.

According to most modern biblical scholars, the Song of Songs is about the sexual love between a married couple. In this Old Testament book, preserved as part of the holy scriptures, specific sexual acts are described. There appear to be at least two references to oral sex within — the first woman to man, the second man to woman.

“Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” Song of Solomon 2:3

“Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits!” Song of Solomon 4:16

Moreover, there is nothing inherently harmful about oral sex. There isn’t much research into the composition or possible health benefits, but a wife’s natural lubricant appears to be okay for her husband to ingest. The contact of lips and tongue to genitals is not far different from hands or fingers on genitals. No stretching or painful penetration is part of the process. The one caveat is that sexually transmitted diseases and infections can be passed by oral-genital contact, so if that is an issue in your marriage, be aware.

(Note: Some have compared oral and anal sex. There is no comparison. The rectum contains harmful bacteria, is not designed for penetration, and usually involves pain for the woman. That practice has been covered in my post, Uh, No.)

With possible biblical precedent and no harmful physical effects, what are the objections to oral sex? Some believe it is simply unnatural to engage in sex that doesn’t involve penetration. However, sexual encounters involve foreplay which isn’t penetration. This is simply touching of another sort. Some believe it is unnatural because it is portrayed in pornography. Well, so is penetration. While I strongly warn against viewing pornography and attempting to copy what is seen there, there are plenty of people who have never seen it in a porn film and engage in fellatio and cunnilingus. They didn’t get the idea from porn. Also, Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has pointed out that kissing one another’s bodies is quite all right. So where do the lips stop kissing? Must they stop before reaching genitalia? Inner thigh okay? Vulva not? Without biblical, health, or practical reasons, I don’t see why that area is forbidden.

Of course, you must decide for yourself and live out your life in good conscience before God. I merely suggest that you don’t allow preconceived notions to decide for you. Search it out for yourself. Decide based on the merits whether oral sex will be on your marital intimacy menu.

I honestly believe that God is fine with it being a part of the entire sexual experience, which does include penetration as the pinnacle of merging ourselves together as one flesh.

What’s so pleasurable about oral sex? First of all, the focus is the wife. While I believe that sex should be mutually satisfying, there are benefits to focusing on one spouse or the other from time to time. In fact, it is satisfying to many spouses to give intense pleasure to their partner. I enjoy turning my husband on, and from what I’ve heard, husbands get a big kick out of getting their wife’s engine purring.

Second, it is a different and delicate sensation. I’m back to my frozen treat example. Have you ever held an ice cream cone and eaten it this way and that way? You can slurp with your tongue all the way across; give little licks along the edge or at the whipped top; suck the cream with your mouth; twirl your tongue around; brush your lips against the coolness; come at the ice cream straight on, sideways, or from any angle. Your mouth is a handy tool. Now imagine you, lovely wife, are the ice cream. Can you see why that might feel good?

Third, your husband likes that perspective. For one thing, your husband’s eyes are close to his mouth, and he can see what he’s doing, gauge your body’s response, and revel in your pleasure. Let me cite some husbands’ comments from my other post:

“She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure.”
“She is then totally open, giving herself totally over to me.”
“I’ve . . . always loved giving my wife oral (sexually, it is probably my favorite thing to do).”
“I am a husband who loves going down on my wife. I really enjoy experiencing her orgasm from that perspective, it is truly amazing.”

Fourth, it is one of the easier ways for a woman to orgasm. Because the husband can directly stimulate the clitoris, the mouth provides lubrication with saliva, and the mouth can vary in intensity, many wives report experiencing climax during oral sex. Stimulation of the clitoris — the woman’s pleasure center — is necessary for her to experience orgasm. With vaginal penetration, that stimulation is indirect. (That said, I personally think orgasm during intercourse is uber-pleasurable, but we can discuss that another time.) Some wives even enjoy receiving an orgasm through oral sex and then finishing off the experience with penetration by the husband.

What if you just don’t wanna? If the thought of receiving oral sex sickens you, is against your conscience, or you simply don’t enjoy the experience, don’t do it. Godly sexuality is never about forcing or demanding sexual acts from your spouse. If you don’t want to have oral sex, don’t. Find other activities that are mutually pleasurable. The beauty of intimacy in marriage is that, while there are some restrictions, there is a substantial amount of freedom. You can spend the next fifty years getting to know one another’s bodies and engaging in physical intimacy that makes your body tingle, your heart pump, and your connection deepen.

In my next post, I’ll be giving more of the “how to” for wives — what you need to do to enjoy oral sex and what you can do to help it feel good.

Congratulations to Cat, who commented last week on Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex: A Review. I enter 42 names in the hat, and hers was randomly chosen to receive the giveaway copy of The Good GIrl’s Guide to Great Sex provided by Sheila’s publisher, Zondervan.

A few sources I looked at while writing this article: Song of Songs (NIV); The Intimate Couple – Is Oral Sex Okay; ChristianAnswers.net -Is Oral Sex Biblically Wrong within Marriage?; The Phrase Finder – The Origin of Lie Back and Think of England

31 thoughts on “Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Volume 1

  1. Kristi

    Hey, J! Another fabulous post, lady.

    I pray that Christian ladies the world over read this post and reconsider if they have determined that oral sex is not happenin’ at their house. Talk about a serious level of intimacy! When we first married, I was VERY intimidated by both the giving and receiving of oral sex with my man. Initially, it was mostly 68 and I’ll owe ya one! Over the last 15 years, this specific act has created such a level of intimacy for us that it’s pretty much just how we roll (pun intended) at this point. Ladies, THIS is how my hubby and I are now at the place that we make love just about every single day and many times at MY urging. Over the years, oral sex upped the ante for us in our intimacy level and going into the second decade of marriage we’re having the best sex of our lives! WHO KNEW?! Turns out…God knew and I’m so thankful. Not just for the tinglies DURING…but, also for the tinglies AFTERwards.

    This may be a little personal, but there are days I can LOOK at my man’s mouth and get a tingle…and he knows it and he loves it and wonder of wonders, many days he reciprocates the exact same feeling when he looks at me. Now isn’t that really the goal? Love, intimacy, tingly feelings, AND God’s approval. Can you even beat that?! …grin…

  2. Anonymous

    If only all women took the same view.

    I truly can’t think of a more intimate way to ice the cake of our sexual relationship than giving my wife oral sex. In fact, I can’t think of a deeper blessing (with the caveat that it obviously cannot replace intercourse!). However, when a husband wants this kind of attention from and wants to give this kind of attention to his wife but has that card revoked, the fallout is quite hurtful. I find myself in the position of “we used to” and the fact that it has been removed from the menu drives me crazy. It hurts. There’s a hole in the menu.

    I would encourage wives that don’t want to go there in their marriage bed to truly take an objective look. Try to rationalize against your current position to see if you get a different perspective. If you’ve taken it off your list of allowable activities after offering it previously, you might talk to your husband about his feelings on the matter.

    Sorry for the frustrated husband moment. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming, ladies.

    1. J

      I think you were quite nice in your “frustrated husband” moment. I do think that if something is off limits from a partner, it’s reasonable to query why. No accusations or pressure, but maybe a conversation is worth having. Seek understanding more than getting your way in these things; by doing so, sometimes you can find a win-win. Best wishes!

    1. J

      Don’t do it. But I do suggest having a conversation away from the bedroom, asking why the wife doesn’t want to engage in it. You might be able to talk it out and either gain better understanding or find some solutions. For instance, if a woman doesn’t want to give because she doesn’t want ejaculate in her mouth, you might see if there is some way to make sure that doesn’t happen; that she can pull away early. If she hates to receive, find out what turns her off about it and see if you can address that issue.

      But do not push or demand. I can tell you that women do not respond well to demands in the bedroom. If a wife caves after that, then it’s obligatory sex and she won’t be participating fully. It will not be the bonding experience God designed for sex. If she doesn’t cave, she may feel harrassed or that a husband views her as a sex toy. I’m NOT saying that’s how you view her. I’m talking about what the perception can be.

      My point: Find sexual activities you can both be wholeheartedly involved in. If she isn’t involved in sex at all, then there are other issues besides not having oral sex.

  3. kris

    couldn’t agree more, love the intimacy it brings both ways! He loves getting and I love giving, and vice versa! Wow, very personal….:)
    Great post as usual, J!

  4. Do Not Disturb Blog

    Interesting how your previous post on fellatio registered comments in the 100’s yet this one so few. I willingly admit while I had no problem choosing to please my husband in this way it took many years for me to be willing to receive. There is certainly an intimacy, vulnerability and self confidence that I learned further into marriage and this act is a culmination of all those things.

    Megan

    1. J

      I expect the comments to come trickling in, Megan. We’ll see! Thanks for sharing your story of taking years to be willing to receive. It does require vulnerability to your husband.

  5. Anonymous

    Going down on my wife is the best thing ever. To see her body tense up, squirm and then the release of her juices as she orgasms is mind blowing for me as a husband. Just last night I ate her up and she had six orgasms in less then 15 minutes. She said she loves to come that way and so easy. That is music to my ears. Letting me give her oral is showing me how much openness and trustworthy she is towards me. I love it.

    1. Anonymous

      Going down on my wife is the best thing ever. To see her body tense up, squirm and then the release of her juices as she orgasms is mind blowing

      Amen brother. I’m totally addicted to it, I actually prefer it to regular sex. Eventually, i do need to get off too… but most of our time is spent on cunnilingus, or cunnilingus + toys. But dude, only 6 orgasms? Not enough. You gotta keep going.

      Oddly, I despise fellatio. My wife thinks I’m weird but she doesn’t complain.

      Let me share a trick with all you guys out there who are married, or planning on it soon. Learn the Old Testament sexual pattern (Rabbi Shumley Boteach teaches on this). In brief, the woman was ceremonially off-limits during her period (approx 5 days), and for another 7 days afterwards. On the 8th day she took a ceremonial bath – a mikveh – and then she was kosher for sex. So assuming a 28 day cycle, that’s 5 + 7 = 12 days off, 16 days on.

      WHY is this important? We as Christians are not bound by the old laws, but… consider this: If you follow that pattern for CUNNILINGUS, you’ll be diving down on her, totally frustrated from 12 days of abstinence, at precisely the time of the month that she smells the best, tastes the best, is the most orgasmic, and the most fertile. (Oh, yea, the pattern works for conceiving children too.) Heck, the Law even prescribes a bath at the end of the 7 day cleansing week — perfect preparation for cunnilingus.

  6. Anonymous

    I love giving oral to my wife it’s mind blowing for both of us. I have given her multiple orgasm, so intense that she could hardly handle the pleasure. Great post. We also recently started 69, that is now our fav number lol.

    1. J

      “Mind blowing,” “intense,” “pleasure” – these are words that often come up about this practice.

    2. Anonymous

      Yes they are!!! Intense to the point of blacking out at times. She said it was scary but awesome all at the same time lol. I guess her orgasm are so intense it’s hard to breathe, this is normally on the 4th to 5th one though. Me & my wife agreed there should be a 69 Post also.

  7. Anonymous

    …”her juices” ?? I was already a little squeamish reading the post and comments. But wow. I am secretly, thanks to Generous Wife and this blog, trying to open up a bit to the freedom found in the Christian marriage bed, especially concerning oral sex. I know my hubby thoroughly desires it, both giving and receiving. As one comment noted, I am more willing to give and not likely to receive — though both are hard. I can’t seem to get past the whole tasting and smelling of bodily fluids, especially my husband to me. I hope you have some tips on getting over that in the coming posts. How can it possibly be pleasurable to taste and smell a woman?? And I gag a little at the saltiness of my hubby’s, um, “juice.”

    -Trying to Open Up

    1. J

      Okay, I admit that “juices” isn’t a typical word on my site. LOL. 😉

      As far as tasting and smelling bodily fluids, you can help some of that with bathing or showering together, using scented massage oils or lotions to trigger positive reactions in your nostrils, using mouthwash beforehand and/or afterward, and through what you eat. Apparently, some foods can affect the taste. I don’t know what offhand, but I looked it up once. (Careful if you decide to Google! I am very cautious when I do searches because of what might come up.) I have several readers who swear by coconut oil as a lubricant and tasty massage oil.

      If your husband says you smell and taste pleasurable, believe it. Maybe it’s like peanut butter, which I abhor but my husband eats every day. I don’t get it, but he loves it. I don’t question his sincerity.

      I am so impressed with your desire to open up. I bet your husband appreciates that as well. Blessings!

    2. Anonymous

      Thank you for your tips. I have some coconut oil on hand since I use it on my face. Hmm… Between your posts and One Flesh Marriage’s Zing 1 & Zing 2 posts, maybe, just maybe. Blessings to you, too, for helping so many marriages improve!

  8. Anonymous

    I’m not sure why, but the only sex advice I received from our ministers wife before i got marrried was Don’t ever do oral sex. Thankfully I had friends and sisters who promptly advised me to disregard. My husband and I both saved ourselves for our wedding night. We learned and explored together, and you know what, oral sex isn’t the first thing you go for. But with time, it’s seems only natural to take your kisses deeper and more intimate, and as was said earlier, why stop at inner thigh? ( Although that drives him crazy as well!) As far as receiving, I am paranoid about not being totally clean “down there”. I love to encourage him to do me orally when I know I’ve just bathed or showered. Very freeing! I do sometimes have to work quite hard to relax and let it happen but knowing how much he likes it can be a real turn on for me!

    1. J

      As I said, some people believe that oral sex is wrong or yucky. Perhaps that is what prompted the minister’s wife. What a shame that she didn’t use that opportunity to mention the bonds that grow through ongoing, intimate contact in marriage blessed by God. I agree with your conclusions, though. Good for you.

  9. Anonymous

    What a great and almost funny post, that I was totally surprised but couldn’t stop reading! I was getting turned on and I don’t even have anyone next to me. I’ve been married 50 yrs. and we were 18 when we got married, first for both, so needless to say and being Catholic knew nothing about oral sex. We had to have been married many years before I heard my younger sister talking about 69 and I asked her what she meant. She laughed and said, “You don’t know?” I was embarrassed to tell her, “No!” So we then started doing it and then I was so mad to think of those younger years, where your at your sexual peak on what I had missed out on. I will say, if you have to have a good marriage for a woman to want oral sex from her husband. If their are issues, speaking from experience, it’s very hard to let yourself be so vulnerable and to me, that is what oral sex is all about. The freedom to totally give yourself freely to your husband, with no boundaries between you. What a well written and like I said, the humor was refreshing also.

  10. Anonymous

    Though I have participated in both, even managed to climax and same for DH, I’m not a huge fan of either….smell, taste, exertion, ..etc. Nothing like penetration-based climax. In fact, I’d rather not go through the effort to climax if not by penetration.

  11. Texas wife

    Awesome post! It is a topic that was so shunned as was sex when growing up! As we attended Christian counseling the past few months, one of the first sessions our counselor said years ago he thought what it would be like making love and being extremely intimate with his wife and vice versa he thought oh no! Now that he will he 50 the same day as me, he thinks awesome! Just like my hubby and I think! Our intimate moments are unexplainable. To be in “that place” is unimaginable, words we cannot express. Lord knows we’ve tried in 28 yrs of marriage!
    Thanks for your openness and awesome posts!!!

  12. MunchTalk

    Thanks for posting something that most people would be too intimidated to post! It’s encouraging as a Christian wife who was still figuring all of that out as well. 🙂 My husband actually isn’t such a fan, I think because it’s just odd….with your mouth. I have a deeply personal question. Is there any way to help us girls not get that certain ‘scent’ at various times of the month? I mean, I’m a clean person, but he …has a hard time with it. 🙂

    http://munchtalk.blogspot.com/

  13. Anonymous

    How delightful is my wife’s love juice as I sustain her on a a plateau of loving pleasure with my lips, tongue, fingers, and sometimes, a vibrator. Her openness and grace to receive a royal “spoiling” after I have given her a back rub and a foot rub “deluxe”. What a thrilling mountaintop to be French kissing the center of her feminine climax when the earth shudders and moans. The more juice I drink, the younger my heart gets as it floods with intoxicating joy.

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