Too Pooped to Pop, or Why I Want a Vacation

When I write a blog post, I sometimes consider the reading audience as a whole, but more often I imagine sitting across a coffee shop table from a girlfriend and sharing advice, encouragement, and laughter about this gift of sexuality from our Heavenly Father. In the vein of that authentic girlfriend-to-girlfriend moment, here’s the scoop on J of Hot, Holy & Humorous.

I have written before about not withholding sex when you are tired and making sex a priority in your schedule. But honestly, my sweet fellow wives, I am on week four of a lung-crunching cough that will not quit. I haven’t even been able to mouth-to-mouth kiss my ever-so-susceptible-to-sickness husband in about a month, which has made sex a challenge to say the least.

On top of this lingering illness — which, yes, I have been to the doctor and used medication and home remedies for — I’ve been working with my lovely website designer on a blog move that ended up involving more glitches than my junior high home economics project (and, trust me, that’s saying a lot). I’m thrilled with the new look, but there are still some kinks to work out. For instance, you may have noticed that my “blog roll” — that list on my side bar of marriage sites I recommend — is missing. Also, I’m trying to determine whether my RSS feed and email subscribers are still getting these posts and how to move anyone who isn’t. All of that has added work hours to my already full schedule.

Then there’s my husband’s work schedule, which has been unpredictable at best, and irritatingly long at worst. I’m so thankful that he is working, because I know some people in this economy would love to have a job, but it can be a hard to deal with a spouse gone so much and the need to pick up that extra slack.

All that said, maintaining our sexual intimacy has been a challenge lately. There have been plenty of days in the last few weeks when I’ve thought, I am just too pooped to pop.

Yet the reality is that when we’ve made time to physically connect, when I’ve mustered the energy from somewhere to be sexual with my husband, when we’ve met our obstacles with determination to be creative and figure out how to keep having sex amidst the chaos . . . we feel better. It’s still not easy, but it is worthwhile.

(And just an FYI: The coughing goes away completely during orgasm. How’s that for a prescription for health?)

I’m praying that I will feel 100% better very soon, that my lips will happily engage with my husband’s lips (which I miss very much), that my website issues will resolve, that groceries will suddenly appear in my pantry (oh wait, that ain’t gonna happen!), and that the recent nipping of life at our calendar’s heels will subside.

Or that I can take a vacation very soon. Because that sounds so very nice right now.

Young woman sitting on tropical beach

Bring it on!
Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

In the meantime, here are a few takeaways and one question for you, my wonderful coffee-shop friend:

  • Marriage is lived out in the real world — a world of daily demands, sickness and health, joy and stress, give and take. When extra challenges appear, it takes extra thought and effort to stay emotionally and sexually connected.
  • Some marriages face huge obstacles to sexual intimacy, but I believe that more marriages face small, niggling issues that interfere with experiencing the best we can have. We have to be intentional about not letting the small stuff pile up, form a barrier between spouses, and turn into a big obstacle — about keeping our priorities straight.
  • Gratitude is foundational in staying connected in marriage. Usually, you hear that communication is the foundation, and I agree that it is so important. But when you’re being buffeted by the winds of life, taking stock of your blessings can keep you grounded. Yes, things have been a little tough lately, but I am so blessed to have a husband who provides, who cares for me, who does life with me, who feels like a gift-wrapped present from my Heavenly Father. So when we have to squeeze sex in at 5:00 in the morning, between coughs no less, my mind is still turning toward how grateful I am to have my husband and remembering that love that we share. That gratitude is foundational for me to feel connected to him.
  • And now my question: If you are a regular subscriber to my blog, how do you subscribe? Are you receiving my posts? I want to check the various methods through which people receive this blog (Blogger follow, RSS feed, email subscription, etc.).
  • Also please check out my recent guest post on Unveiled Wife about The Other Scriptures about Marital Sex. You might be surprised to discover that the Bible speaks to your marital bedroom a lot more than you think.

45 thoughts on “Too Pooped to Pop, or Why I Want a Vacation

  1. Dawn B.

    I came across your web site via ‘ Unveiled Wife’. I am so thankful to find a real, honest blog about sexual intimacy in the life of married Christians. Blessings to you and your husband!

    1. J Post author

      Very interesting. My RSS feed isn’t working. Hmmm… *scratches chin*

      Thanks for the info!

  2. happywife

    Hi J. So sorry you’re not feeling well. It really is a bummer when illness and chaos gets in the way of a relaxed and intimate relationship with our spouse.

    I subscribe through feedly. I was not getting the blog posts so I came this morning to see if you were up and running again… and indeed you were. It was early, so it was before this post came up. I re-added you to my feedly and the newer posts came through but at this point, this post still hasn’t come to my feedly. If I don’t automatically get Thursday’s post, I”ll try adding again and see if that doesn’t solve the problem.

    1. J Post author

      Thank you for the well-wishes and the information. I do know that if I post later in the day, my own subscription feed doesn’t show up for a while.

  3. Aimee

    Wonderful, and timely, post!

    Although neither my husband nor I are dealing with sickness right now (unless you consider my period a sickness, ha!), we are dealing with my hubby’s long, horrible work hours. He is up at 1:30am, so is in bed no later than 6:30pm throughout the week. Fortunately, he does not typically work the weekends, but it is hunting season so that means he is up at 3am on Saturdays now too.
    Needless to say, with those hours, my hubby is beyond tired six days a week and making love is pretty low on his list. 🙁
    So, for us right now, Sunday mornings are it for connecting sexually and even then, it has to be early morning because of getting up for church.

    And as the higher drive spouse, it is extremely, horribly, terribly, hard for me to go a whole week without connecting sexually. By Friday, I’m grumpy, feeling disconnected and undesired, no matter how hard I try to tell myself he does love and desire me, it just starts to take a toll on me emotionally.
    Every once in a while during the week, we end up with the house to ourselves when both of my teen boys from my first marriage are gone at the same time. And as long as it’s early enough we can sneak in a quickie before hubby has to get his sleep.

    I know this is a season for us, as soon his hours will not require him to get up so early and hunting season will end, but for now I would love a vacation away to get fully connected again.

    Sorry to hear how sick you’ve been and hope it clears up really soon. 🙂

    1. J Post author

      Some seasons of marriage really are tough. Hang in there and prioritize intimacy whenever you can. Best wishes!

  4. Sterling

    J, thank you so much for all of your insight and advice regarding marriage and sexuality. I’m a young newlywed, and didn’t receive much wisdom regarding what a healthy sexual relationship looks like between a husband and wife until I found your blog a few months before I got married this summer. Thank you, thank you, thank you! What I have learned here has been a tremendous blessing to myself and my husband as we figure out our new journey in marriage. And yes, I do receive your posts via email, but not usually until the next day =)

    1. J Post author

      How sweet, Sterling! Thank you for your kind words, and congratulations! I hope I can continue to encourage you in your marriage.

  5. Hanna

    Do you really set your alarm for 5 AM just to have sex? Awesome. 😀 It would totally be too hard for us.

    1. J Post author

      NO!!! No way I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. I am NOT a morning person. But sometimes I can’t sleep (especially with this cough), so if we’re awake anyway… 😉

  6. M

    We have a lot going on right now…the biggest of which is hubby working out of town Mon-Fri. When he gets home on the weekend I want to have the best three nights we can. I am however 4 months pregnant and finding my libido doing all kinds of crazy shifting. After I got past the initial nausea it seemed to be a positive boost but the last couple of weeks I’ve found myself having a hard time again. I feel so bad for hubby because he works so hard to make sure I have a good time but some nights I’m just so tired and it seems like too much of a frustration to even try. I know he will only enjoy it if I do so there is pressure to figure out how to make it work. It’s also terribly annoying to end the weekend on a negative sexual note and send him off with a less than gratifying night. I did come up with some things last night that I want to encourage him to do more of or differently that I think will help, one of which is right now I need so much foreplay and I need it to be a SLOW and gentle start. I think part of the problem is when we only have a couple of days he’s so excited to be with me and have fun and wants to be more aggressive and it ends up being overstimulating which totally short circuits everything for me. Anyway all that to say I have just decided we go through seasons where it’s harder and I am praying we have a more fun season too, and for you guys as well! It’s hard to enjoy time with hubby when you are feeling less than your best.

    1. J Post author

      What a challenge! May I suggest a couple of things? (1) Do whatever you can to get yourself sexually ready, like taking a bubble bath or wearing what makes you feel sexy to get yourself in a sensual mood (music, candles, time alone, etc.) — if you can manage it. (2) Grab the lubricant. Starting out “wet” can help you along a little faster.

      No, I am not suggesting that you rush through foreplay long-term. No way, no how! That foreplay is part of the whole sex shebang and quite enjoyable and intimate in its own right. However, for a season of life when time challenges are just so tough and you have such limited time to be together, see what, if anything, you can do to prep yourself for sex with your husband. Then — when your schedule eases up a little, or you can schedule that vacation 🙂 — make your intimate time a real production, with slow-going, skin-tingling, toe-curling, heart-gushing sex.

      Best wishes with your marriage!

      1. M

        Thank you!! I will try to see if I can make some of this work. I know I try to put myself in the right frame of mind most of the evening to be ready for it but I know lighting candles and putting on music help lots. A bubble bath wouldn’t hurt either! I wish I had sexy lingerie still because that was always VERY helpful but unfortunately they don’t make a lot to fit maternity. 😉 I did also point to hubby this week about the lube, and I’ve also decided that coconut oil is much better than the KY we were using. The KY tends to sometimes burn ever so slightly which is not helpful for getting in the mood at all. 🙂 So we are definitely learning and these are some good tips. I also have a very patient hubby that wants to help me which is wonderful!

  7. Rachael

    I get the blog via feedly, and it’s still coming through.

    I occasionally get cold sores around my mouth, and in an effort to end the family contamination, we will refrain from kissing while I have a cold sore. We don’t like it, and Little Man (who is only 2 years old) doesn’t really understand, but so far Hubby and Little Man have remained blister free. Yes, it puts a kink in the fun foreplay, but we seem to get around it. So, I totally understand the I’m-sick-and-don’t-want-to-get-you-sick-so-we-can’t-kiss situation.

    Hope it all gets a bit better soon, and a great post for dealing with the everyday, not-huge struggles.

  8. Alicia

    I subscribe through my e-mail, and I am getting your posts. I think there is one e-mail I got that was a repeat from another week prior. Praying for your complete healing!

    1. J Post author

      Yes, I think the email pulled a couple of back posts when we rebooted. :S Thanks for letting me know!

  9. Heather

    Hi J! I hope you are feeling better soon! I am subscribed via email and I have been receiving all of your emails. Some have come with several posts attached, but I think that’s the nature of a move. And, I like your blog design much better 🙂

  10. Cassie

    I feel ya! Last week I was so pooped I declared a no working day. I just need to relax physically and mentally. It was a game changer! Also, my husband and I have been connecting less as far as good quality time because we both are working hard on projects. We are making time this weekend for some quality time spent together!

    1. J Post author

      Quantity AND quality time is what we married couples need, but it’s sometimes hard to find. Best wishes, Cassie!

  11. Debi - The Romantic Vineyard

    J,
    Such an excellent, honest, difficult post. I’m sorry to hear of all you’re facing. But what a gift this post will be to so many who don’t know how to process difficult seasons. They end up thinking they are the only ones who have such trouble. Thank you.
    About your blog change–can I ask if you are using WordPress and if so, did you switch from .org to .com?
    And finally, I want to pray for your complete healing–“Father, please touch my friend and heal her body by the power that You have so richly supplied to us through your Son. Thank you that we can boldly approach Your Throne in our time of need. Vacations are good, but nothing can replace the relief we receive when You touch us by Your Holy Spirit. Restore J’s energy, her ability to take deep breaths and most of all her ability to love her husband without hinderances.” In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen!
    Take care this weekend.

    1. J Post author

      Debi,

      THANK YOU for praying over me. That just soothes my soul. I am feeling better, and I’m sure this cough will be gone soon.

      As to the website, it’s a self-hosted site with wordpress.org, and my website designer (Memphis McKay) put together the unique template and made the move. We did work together on the look and fixing the glitches, so it was a process. But long-term I’m sure I’ll be very happy with changing over.

      J

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  13. Sea Monkey Mama

    I’ve been receiving your posts through my Feedly reader. I did get several posts twice for a few days but it seems that’s been fixed.

  14. Rachel

    I completely agree with this post. And I needed to re-hear the gratitude part. I tend to get so busy with the kids and their schools and activities that I forget that my dear sweet hubby provides the means for me to stay@home with our baby and preschooler and participate in the kids’ school activities and my own activities. I really needed to read this. Thank you.

    I am an email subscriberand a faithful reader. Love you blog! I have been getting them. No real interruption.

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