Why I Still Wear Lingerie (though My Hubby Doesn’t Care)

illustrations of lingerieI was in a lingerie store recently purchasing needed undergarments, and the clearance rack caught my attention. Actually, that’s how I prefer to do most of my shopping — with the word CLEARANCE written on a sign nearby and a pile of price stickers on the tag with the top one impressing me enough to say, “Yeah, I’ll pay that much.”

Anyway . . .

I flipped through a bunch of items on the clearance rack that I would never, ever wear; saw a few items that looked pretty but didn’t come in my size; and then lingered on one goooorgeous night-thing — a comfortable, feminine, sexy item I’d love to sleep in or show off to my husband. I hemmed and hawed about it purchasing it, but the price was another 50% off that top sticker on the tag. So I finally took it to the counter, paid out, and left the store with a new nightie.

But here’s the thing: In my many years of marriage, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t care about lingerie. Really. Doesn’t care.

Now this is atypical. A majority of husbands delight in seeing their wives don pretty, suggestive attire in the bedroom. For those wives, I encourage you to find something you’re willing wear to bed that will also arouse his senses.

But even if your husband is fine with bypassing the nightie and going straight to nude, maybe you should invest in a few pieces of beautiful lingerie for yourself. I do. Why?

Focusing your mind. Much of a woman’s sex drive is in her head. In a single moment, we gals entertain an average of 342 things in our brains (give or take a couple), and shoving out all that extraneous stuff to focus on making love can be a mental battle some days. So how can you shift from being super-mommy, super-worker, super-cook, super-house-manager, etc. and become super-sexy-wife?

Slipping on a item of lingerie can get you in the right frame of mind. You commit to that focus of being physical with your husband. After all, once you put on a lace teddy, you’re probably not thinking about cleaning the toilets anymore. The rest of your to-do’s can wait.

Feeling sexy. A good piece of lingerie will play to your body’s figure and show off your physical assets. It will help you display your best features in an enticing way. Lingerie usually has a different texture and lighter fabric, and that satin or lace or silk can brush the skin underneath in a pleasant way. All that comes together to remind you that you are one sexy lady.

Just try to get that same feeling wearing an over-sized tee and granny panties. Not gonna happen. There’s something about lingerie — lingerie you like — that makes you feel desirable.

Sending clear signals. When you walk into your bedroom wearing provocative lingerie, there’s really no need to say to your husband, “Hey, you wanna?” You’re sending a pretty clear signal — no words necessary.

This approach can make some guys practically giddy — particularly those husbands whose wives rarely initiate. If she shows up looking interested and inviting, it’s like his birthday wish came true. And now he gets to unwrap the present. (Best. Birthday. Ever.)

If you get mixed messages in your marriage with “I was interested, but you looked busy” and “Well, I would have, but I thought you had to get up early” or “I didn’t know if you were kissing me good night or kissing me to initiate something,” then sending a clear signal can be a welcome event. Wearing pretty lingerie and presenting yourself as one hot wife can let hubby know he’s one lucky, lucky man. And he’d better use this opportunity well.

What if he truly doesn’t care? As I’ve said, my husband doesn’t really care about the lingerie. He likes the clear signal of show up naked.

But maybe your husband doesn’t care for another reason. Some wives are dealing with a low-drive husband, and showing up in sexy lingerie doesn’t have an arousing effect on him. In fact, slipping on something sexy and posing in your bedroom’s doorway results in little more than a passing nod from him and in a glob of grief settling in you. So should you stick to the tattered tee and pajama pants?

Clearly, a major mismatch in sexual drives is a bigger issue than whether you wear a slinky chemise to bed. But while you’re working on that, I suggest you still buy some pretty stuff for you. Maybe you’re not going to present yourself the same way to your husband, until you’ve figured out what his obstacles are and dealt with them. However, you may want personal reminders from time to time that you are beautiful and sexy and worthwhile. You may want to feel pretty for yourself, even if that nightie stays on you all night.

So do you wear pretty lingerie? Why or why not?

More on lingerie: How to Shop for Lingerie and Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty?

Enjoy the blog? Check out the book.

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28 thoughts on “Why I Still Wear Lingerie (though My Hubby Doesn’t Care)

  1. Amanda

    I completely agree that there are many benefits to wearing lingerie! My husband loves to see me in lingerie and has successfully purchased some items for me. But I also try to wear bras and panties that aren’t your everyday run-of-the-mill pieces because I like to feel pretty and sexy. It is quite beneficial on those days where I am feeling less than my best. Fake it til you make it! It also makes me think about being with my hubby during the day when I know that he would love to see me in the pieces. I also choose to wear styles that aren’t necessarily my favorite because I know that my husband loves to see me in them and I am totally okay with that. 🙂

  2. Amy

    I love lingerie, but rarely do i get to wear it for hubby so I don’t buy it very often. His long work hours, which have gotten even longer, make for one exhausted guy during the week with absolutely no interest in anything other than sleep. We usually make love once over the weekend and since it’s usually in the morning there is no getting all fixed up and strutting my stuff in some pretty lingerie.

    But I did buy a really cute teddy on sale last week and since it was a 3-day weekend had hopes of maybe wearing it at least once, which I did and it didn’t stay on very long! 😉

    I think it’s important to buy something really nice occasionally whether you get to show it off to hubby or not very often. I think as you said, it is a confidence boost, I know I love how I feel when I wear something sexy under my clothes or slip on my cute teddy in the morning for coffee. 🙂

  3. Anne

    I love anything that is pretty, soft, and sexy! I wear them for me, not him. Our bedroom is a retreat from the world (especially when I can lock our 4 kids out).
    The best advice I ever got when I got married was “never go to bed wearing the same things that your mother-in-law wears”
    My husband says it doesn’t matter what I wear, as long as I feel good in it. Wearing an oversized shirt and granny panties makes me feel awful. I hate wearing sweats and those ugly pajamas bottoms that everyone wears to Walmart. Even when I’m sick or its my time of the month, I wear satiny pajama pants. I too, am a big friend of clearance 😉
    I think our spouses really just want to see us confident in our own bodies. I’m a size 18 and I’m proud of the body God has given me and I love sharing it with my husband. The best sexy outfit is always your husband’s white dress shirt. Wear it with pride and you’ll see the light in his eyes.

  4. mike

    I would love for my wife to wear some lingerie. She is so concerned about what her body image is after 21 years of marriage and 2 kids but I think she is beautiful. I am a freelancer graphic designer and I have always wanted to take photos of her in sex lingerie (for my artistic use only) or do sketches on the spot but she refuses. She always can turn me on just by being her but I wish I new how to get her past this negative image of herself. She says non of that stuff is made for her. A sex bra, panties and garter would be awsome I think. With a lace nightie…to me being able to draw my wife in that…well that would be my fantasy come true

  5. berjiboo

    I wear lingerie for my hubby for all the reasons you listed. And there are times and certain nighties that are more for me. They are soft and silky but not necessarily screaming “sexy”. On the flip side, when hubby is away for extended periods of time, I find it much easier to deal with the separation by not wearing lingerie so my mind isn’t on what I am missing.

  6. Gaye @ CalmHealthySexy

    This is a great reminder. My husband is somewhat neutral on lingerie, but I need to remember to wear it for myself. It can be a great pick-me-up and, as you said, a tool for prying our minds away from the 342 other things we’re thinking about!

  7. Amy P

    As another wife with a husband who could care less about lingerie, I’d say you hit the nail on the head with the reasons for still wearing it. I admit that as much as I feel nicer wearing it, I don’t always bother and I should more often (despite this constantly-need-easy-access-to-boobs-and-I-still-sleep-in-a-bra-to-prevent-leaks stage of life! So sexy…)

  8. Greg

    Women’s beauty shines through most anything they wear; whether it’s Mennonite/Amish dresses, overalls, or something less conservative. But the character beneath the clothing makes the biggest difference (Proverbs 11:22 – “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.”).

    1. Anon

      To me it’s more about variety than beauty enhancement. While it may not increase her beauty, it can increase her sexiness. 🙂

      *You body makes you sexy, your smile makes you pretty, your personality makes you beautiful.

    2. Anon Male

      The speed at which a piece of lingerie is removed by your husband is not necessarily correlated with his approval of said piece of lingerie. If he takes it off in the first two minutes, it’s probably because he really liked it and wants to have sex with you asap. If he leaves it on for the whole time, it’s probably because he really liked it and wants to have sex with you in it.

      In either event, there’s never been a piece of lingerie that my wife wore that I didn’t like. This could be because we lingerie shop together. Yes, I like some of them more than others, but almost any lingerie is good in my opinion.

      In all honest though…what I really like is the variety that lingerie provides.

  9. A Heart to Know

    My husband is a visual man who truly delights to see his wife in lingerie.

    In fact, once a year (usually around our anniversary) we make a date of shopping for lingerie together. He picks out some things he would like to see me in, and then I go in the dressing room, try everything on, and pick my favorites out of his selections. The conversation for the rest of the day is so fun. I try to guess which one I think will be his favorite, he wants to know which one is my favorite, etc. It’s really a great date.

    On a side note, lingerie is one thing that I have found that you get what you pay for. I think it’s worth purchasing at a nicer store. (Over the years, I have found much luck at Nordstrom’s).
    Because, a *good* piece of lingerie is my best friend, I tell you! It will hit you in all the right places, hold in what needs to be held in, and accentuate what needs to be accentuated. It’s true that it will display your best features in the most enticing way, all the while camouflaging the areas you prefer be camouflaged.

  10. libl

    As soon as I was old enough to earn some money and hit the mall on my own, I bought sexy lingerie. No husband, not even a boyfriend to hope would become my husband….just me. I’m also the kind of person who gets dressed up to go grocery shopping and can’t believe people wear jeans to church. I love being feminine and feeling beautiful, graceful, classy…..and sexy.

  11. mike

    Sorry for the typos, big fingers…small phone . Just curious, from early on in art school when we had to take figure drawing classes we used nude models. I have always fantasized doing nude or semi nude portraits of my wife in lingerie but she thinks that is weird. I think it would be a new point of intimate connection between us but in truth she is self conscious about her body image. I think she is beautiful and with some tasteful lingerie in a sensual pose it would be something I would love to do. Is this kink? I don’t want to do any pornographic drawings, but more of the pin – up style art?

    1. J Post author

      Mike, I’d like to write a longer reply later (but I’m without internet right now and just ran into the library to check email, ugh!). No, I don’t think that’s kink. But it is her body, so she needs to be comfortable doing it. Also, are you planning them for your own perusal, or to share as part of your portfolio? — Because that totally changes the equation. I’ll pop by later when I have more time; just wanted to reply quickly. 🙂

  12. happy husband

    When my wife wears something sexy to bed she’s telling me she loves and wants me. It does not even always need to be sexy it can just be fresh and different. In any case it rarely stays on long! I just need my hands on bare skin. If she wears the same worn, frumpy/comfy nightie every night the message to me is that she’s ashamed of her beauty and I am not worth the effort. She’s beautiful with cloths on but she puts blinders on me to any flaws when the most or all the cloths come off! I adore her naked body every inch of it and tell her that often.
    You wives may think your husband does not notice but every husband enjoys his beautiful wife and what she wears says volumes about what she thinks of herself and him and how much she cares about their sexual relationship. Ask God to help you get into making him drunk with your charms and one of the most powerful charms you have is your smiling face above a naked or scantily clad and willing body. If this does not warm the heart of a husband there is a serious problem somewhere. We are getting old and more wrinkly but after 30 plus years of being wowed by my wife’s body I just love seeing it decked out or bare and if she’s more confident with it decked out we can enjoy it that way too at least for a few minutes! Absolutely can not wait to see it tonight!

  13. mike

    Definitely my own personal art. Or more to the point our personal art I would hope. I t is one thing to take photos but take use my artistic talent takes time and appreciation of what I am drawing. It means a lot to me and to be honest is a turn on as well and I tell her that.

  14. TC

    No, I do not wear sexy nighties. All it does is remind my hubby that I am not the 19 year old he fell in love with, but a fat 42 year old woman. We have sex 3 times a week with the lights off and eyes closed. I have tried to get past this, to work through it with him, to lose weight, to be enticing. He just prefers I be available and leave sexy to the little girls he takes pictures of. I have learned that nothing is going to change. After our last conversation regarding this issue, he literally pleaded with me ‘can’t we just be happy with what we have?’ So I will try to be grateful and stop being sad about it, although that has never worked before.

    1. J Post author

      What on earth is this?: “leave sexy to the little girls he takes pictures of.” Are you talking women or girls?

      1. TC

        Usually mid-20s. They are little girls to me, but I should have been more circumspect in my comment. I was upset and did not realize how the words I used could be misinterpreted. I apologize.

  15. Robin

    Ohmygosh. Thanks for sharing that your husband absolutely does not care about lingere. 10 years married (to a guy with a drive slightly lower than mine) and I’m pretty much over the “maybe if I were skinnier, he’d like to see me in lingere…” thing. But it’s still remarkably freeing to know that I am not the only wife whose husband could not care less about the little lacy thing. And I agree with you… Sometimes it’s worth wearing the lacy thing for ME.

  16. A

    I thought I was the only one! I feel so much better now! My husband’s libido is so low that he doesn’t even care that it is low. I have experienced those “globs of grief” so many times I cannot begin to count them. I started wearing sexy things to bed to try to up his libido. No dice. I continue to do so every night and wear pretty panties and bras every day because I have realized it makes me feel good and sexy and still desirable and helps me to still feel like a woman. Thank you so very much for sharing. I cannot tell you how much better I feel knowing I am not alone or just plain crazy!

    1. Erin

      I agree with you “A”. The difficulty for me lies in that wearing that pretty sexy stuff increases my already high libido, furthering the gap in our sex drives. It’s a catch-22 for me anyways.

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