Q&A with J: 4 Questions I Want to Ask You

Today’s question is from me. Or rather, questions. For two reasons:

  1. It takes a loooong time to write my responses to certain questions, because I don’t believe in pat answers. Sometimes I do research, Bible study, and a whole lot of thinking as part of my blog posts here. Since I had my annual mammogram this morning (check your breasts regularly, ladies!) and it took longer than expected, I didn’t have all the time I wanted to properly answer my queued-up question.
  2. I’ve been thinking about my blog, my newsletter, my ministry. I’d like my readers’ feedback on a few things. Now seems like a good time to ask.

Q&A with J: 4 Questions I Want to Ask You

What would you like me to blog about?

I’m not talking about specific subjects per se — I have plenty of ideas in my email inbox for a while! — but rather the focus. At the end of August, I’d planned to move away from questions from readers and back to posting on this, that, and the other. However, I have quite a few questions still left. Would you like me to continue answering reader questions as a regular part of my blog?

Also, what general areas do you want me to give more attention to? For instance, do you want more how-to posts? More inspirational posts? More emphasis on Bible study or Christian theology and marriage/sex? More about higher-drive wives? More about sex in various stages of life? Anything else?

What would you like to see on the Hot, Holy & Humorous website?

My website is essentially a blog, but I hope to move into providing broader information.

What would you like to see as part of that? Do you want recommended reads? A list of specific scriptures that relate to marriage and sex? Excerpts from my books? Downloadable resources? Printables? What would help you in your marital intimacy that I could (somewhat easily) offer?

How about information about me coming to speak? Is that something you want on the website?

What do you want to see in my monthly(ish) newsletter?

What features would be helpful in a monthly newsletter? Do you want a list of previous posts to make sure you didn’t miss anything? Posts from other blogs or resources I recommend? Tips for your sexual intimacy? Interviews with others? Scriptures? Something else?

How has Hot, Holy & Humorous helped you?

I’m not looking AT ALL for “J. Parker, you’re fabulous!” God and I know otherwise, and I’m really doing okay on the self-confidence front. What I want is, if this blog has helped you in some way, please share how it’s made a difference — that is, your brief, no-need-to-blow-sunshine-my-way testimony.

Your stories will help me better discern how to prioritize goals for my ministry and what to take on next.

Of course, I could have devised a really nice looking survey and embedded it here or something, but I’m not all that tech-savvy and I like open-ended questions where y’all can express pretty much whatever you want.

Remember that if you want to remain anonymous in your answers, just type Anonymous / Anon / Beautiful Lady / Etc. in the name field. When the comment section asks for your email, that part is only seen my me — no one else.

I do have a Comments Policy too, so if you’re planning to bash me personally, rag on all my readers, and generally tell off the world, that comment won’t go through. But that’s rarely a problem here. If you want to know more specifically about my guidelines, go check out the policy first.

If you’d rather email me, head over to my contact form and fill it out.

That’s it. Four questions:

  1. What do you want me to blog about?
  2. What do you want to see on the website?
  3. What do you want in the newsletter?
  4. How has HHH helped you specifically?

It’s your turn to answer. Ready . . . set . . . go!

43 thoughts on “Q&A with J: 4 Questions I Want to Ask You

  1. D

    1) I like all the things you mentioned in your above paragraph on what should you blog about. What about setting up a “blog schedule” of Mondays you post a “How To”, Tuesdays is Bible Study/encouragement, Wednesdays is High drive spouse, Thursdays is something else, and Fridays is your day to answer a Q&A. I enjoy reading the Q&A’s, along with all your other writings.

    2) All the above. LOL. Recommended reads, encouraging scriptures on love/sex/intimacy, printables, downloads.

    3) Oooooo. You have a Newsletter??? I need to check into that!

    4) How has HHH helped me?? I am a higher drive wife. Always has been for the almost 20 years we’ve been married. Reading your posts, reading questions readers have submitted, makes me feel not alone. I love reading that there are others out there like me, think like me. That the feelings I have, thoughts I have are not wrong Biblically, etc. I am so blessed to have found your blog. Thank You for putting yourself out there for so many!

    Looking forward to a new season!
    D

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for your feedback! Very helpful. And hang in there, high-drive wife! You are definitely not alone.

      Reply
    1. J Post author

      I was just thinking about that the other day. I’ve been writing answers to all these tough marriage and sex problems, and it would be inappropriate with many of those to add in much humor. However, my funny bone hasn’t been getting a workout…

      Reply
  2. Suzanne

    I thoroughly enjoy your articles! Sex (within marriage) has been thirty years ago for me, which is how long I’ve been divorced. After online dating for almost a year, I have met a gentleman that I am very interested in pursuing further. There doesn’t seem to be much Christian material for those of us looking for our last love at 60 or 70. My gentleman and I are both 61 and both divorced. I was initially terrified of kissing at first. I’ve only kissed my 34 year old’s cheek for many years, and then my grandsons (6 and 11) this century. We both desire a Biblically based marriage. We have decided to worship together as a part of getting to know each other. And yes, I do wonder what sex will be like should I marry my last love. There are issues now that weren’t around in my 20s. Where does someone my age find sound, Biblically based information on how to work around issues caused by enlarged prostates, urinary incontinence, knee replacements, or need knee replacements, or hip, or just plain arthritis here, there and everywhere. At our age and after long periods of celibacy, do we need to check our STD or HIV status. How does one introduce a Cpap machine to your new husband or wife? Any way to make that mask sexy? What about getting over the nervousness of being naked – again! – after all the years! I often think of that scene in Cemetery Club where the widow and widower are going to have sex for the first time, and their comparing surgical Scars in an effort to provide full disclosure. I’ll be honest. One of the reasons I want to be marry again is because I miss sex. And I want the next forty years to be AWESOME!

    So that’s what I’d like to see you address in future articles – some suggestions and tips for the best married sex possible over sixty!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Ack! It looks like the middle-aged to elder population is neglected in much of our marital intimacy advice. I will be putting that in my list of subjects to pursue. I’m counting on still having a rockin’ sex life when my husband and I are old and gray. We’ve joked that we’ll invade each others’ beds in the nursing home and shock all the caretakers if necessary. If the heart attack comes, hey, what a way to go! 😉

      Reply
    2. alchemist

      If you’ve been celibate for 30 years, I really don’t think you need to check you HIV/ STD status. Unless he’s had multiple partners. Or it would make you feel better.

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        I tend toward checking HIV/STD status just in case for most people and because it’s a simple blood test. However, I agree that you’re not likely to come up with anything.

        Reply
  3. Christian Husband of 38 yrs

    J: There seem to be three groups of potential readers for your blog, more or less:

    1) Those whose marriages are facing serious, long-term problems and really need intensive help;

    2) Those whose marriages have been OK, but maybe are stagnating or getting into a rut and need revitalization; and

    3) Those whose marriages are very good, thank you, and who are looking to move from good to fantastic.

    My sympathies are most of all for those in the first group, as they are the ones who are really hurting and really do need help. There are a lot of such people, apparently. Even larger numbers, however, and maybe even a majority, probably fall in the second group. Most of us find ourselves in the slow lane at one point or another, especially as age takes it toll. While we should all ideally want to be in the third group, and the advice appropriate for them can make for some interesting reading, the reality is that most of us aren’t there and might never get there. I’d thus recommend that you try to strike a balance between encouraging the muddling middle and helping the hurting, and make the bulk of your posts appropriate to one or the other or both.

    Something that is a big contributor to the challenges of the muddling middle, and if left unaddressed can lead to real painful problems, is the whole issue of the stresses, demands, and distractions of modern life, and how that steals our time and energy away from each other. Unless we can find time to get into bed with our partners and have the energy to stay awake and enjoy each other’s company, discussions about sexual technique can be rather pointless.

    It also seems to me that even after it being emphasized over and over again for decades about how important communication is in marriage, there are still a lot of couples who apparently do not really communicate very well, and their sex life (and indeed, their entire married lives) suffer greatly for it. In particular, I sense that a lot of married couples – even ones that have been married for a long time – still have a lot of difficulty talking about sex. You can hardly ever go wrong in discussing marital communication.

    Finally, I would remind you that we are a nation of overweight and out-of-shape people, and of course all of us are getting older all of the time. This obviously makes sex increasingly challenging for many people, and will for just about everyone sooner or later as they age. Talking about the problems and challenges we face with aging bodies and declining health, and how to cope with them, would always be welcome.

    Reply
  4. Eric

    Dear J,

    What do you want me to blog about?
    What do you want to see on the website?

    First, I want to thank you that, even though I’m a man, age 76, you’ve published nearly every comment I’ve sent you, occasionally on the same day. One thing about your “leave a reply” that needs clarification: I think we need to be warned that our names WILL APPEAR EXACTLY AS WRITTEN IN THE BOX ABOVE.. On one occasion I put in my first and LAST name (OOPS!), and they both appeared. My name is known to at least a few hundred people in various e-mail loops, and to several bloggers, and to who knows how many of your readers. My fault, I know. But even though I’ve been using the Internet ever since it began about 20 years ago, I still find it daunting. All electronic media is a challenge for me, for that matter. I grew up on the edge of the Maine wilderness, and some of my earliest memories have to do with family times in a kitchen lighted with kerosene lamps and heated with a wood stove (we still heat with wood!).

    Now to your questions. I do realize that you minister primarily to women, and I know also that there are some women who are embarrassed to post, even anonymously, if they realize a man will be reading it. Yet you have allowed men to post, and even dealt with a few male-slant issues, and I appreciate that. But could you do more?

    Also, could you deal on occasion with older couples’ sex issues? You may find this a bit daunting, but I’ll just bet there are a few old guys–and ladies– out there who’d be happy to respond with some solid answers, if someone would pose a question. For instance, I’ve read the Song of Solomon, and a couple of books about it. Although the S of S seems to be largely about a couple of newlyweds, I don’t recall reading anywhere in the text that gray-haired old lovers, with 50+ years experience sleeping together, should turn the page, since it’s not for them. Some of us are still sexually active. Others . . . well, we all have memories–like catching a dose of poison ivy while “doing it” under the stars in the backyard. (If this last sentence is tmi, just delete it.)

    Eric

    Thanks, Eric

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Yes, your name will appear exactly as you type it in the box! But I have had people who mess up something in their first comment and immediately send me another asking me to edit something — and I can do so as I moderate comments. 🙂

      Thanks for the feedback! I think dealing with lovemaking later in marriage is a great topic.

      Reply
  5. Rosita

    J, I first came across your site shortly before my wedding. As a “good girl “, I was inexperienced and looking for some help preparing for sex in marriage. More than any other resource I found, your blog really helped shape the positive, healthy view of sex that I was able to bring into my marriage. I had never really heard about oral sex before, at least not particulars, so those posts were extremely valuable. My husband would chime in with a huge thank you for that! Basically, I feel like you normalized and gave permission for things I might have otherwise been reticent to do, simply because I’ve been shielded from really hearing much about them. My husband and I have developed a really wonderful relationship, but a few months in I discovered that I was a higher-drive wife and it helped so much to know that that was a thing and not necessarily a problem. So, I guess I just want to say thank you so much for all you have done. I hope you keep doing more of the same, and I’ll pray that God leads you. I will certainly be sharing your website with newlyweds or those about to be, in the hopes that they will clean the same benefits that I have. God bless you!

    Reply
  6. Janna

    I like all the readers questions and how you have answered them. How have you helped me?? By giving me some confidence! ! Your godly advice for regular ol’ women like me has opened my eyes to my part in our sexual relationship . I have never been one to turn down very much, but i rarely initiated. Until the last year or so that i have been reading your blog! 🙂 Also, i found Sheila’s blog through yours and her writing about sex and grief has helped us after losing our son. You were indirectly involved in me finding her site which has been helpful too.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Oh, I’m so sorry about your son. I know Sheila has had some great wisdom on that, and my heart goes out to both of you for your losses. The death of a child can be especially hard on a marriage, so attending to that relationship and keeping your intimacy is important.

      So glad you’re feeling more confident in your marital bedroom now. Blessings!

      Reply
  7. M

    1) I love how tos as a virgin at marriage and only two years in. Can I be honest? I was sheltered and this is not bad AT ALL. But I think hubby would like more and I don’t even know what to suggest! I’m the kind of gal who goes to the restaurant and orders the same thing every time because I KNOW I love it and why mess with something else and risk not liking it as much?? And on top of that sex to me feels like a secret menu where I don’t even know what’s available to me! So I pour lots over the “how to spice up the bedroom” and how tos to get ideas. I also love seeing the questions answered!

    2) how about all of the above? 😀

    4) I would echo some of the above sentiments, I can’t even remember now how I found your blog before I was even engaged and so I POURED over your site prior to my honeymoon. I have referenced it many times since also! It helped me have good expectations (keep it simple you’ve got the rest of forever to learn it all), practical advice (like lube!), and encouragement to enjoy it all. I’m convinced I would have been a nervous wreck if it weren’t for your blog and my super awesome husband.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      My how-to posts do tend to be popular. I could probably do more reminder posts to — things like 5 Ways to Spice Things Up Tonight or whatever.

      And yay for your marriage getting started out well. Your super awesome husband is blessed!

      Reply
  8. J

    Topics I’d like to see:
    Love your how to posts

    Tips on shaping healthy sex attitudes in our children. The message I grew up with was “don’t” and while I feel like my husband and I have a pretty healthy sex life now (for the most part) I feel like that message caused a few issues in our past.

    Maybe even some tips for getting those conversations started within the church? I think the modern church is doing a pretty terrible job of promoting sex-positive views, on the whole. How would one go about leading a study or discussion group with a group of women or maybe even couples in our home or church? How do we discreetly and appropriately get the word out, find materials, etc?

    I’m always looking for great books to read. I’d love a tab for that.

    Finally, your blog, along with a couple of others, has helped me to understand that sex is for me too, that my marriage will work better when we put work into making our sex life great, and that it’s okay (commanded even?) to talk about sex in the church. Knowing these things has made it easier for me/us to really make sex a priority during this time when our children are young and it would be so easy to just put it on the back burner. I’ve never talked about sex much…even with my girlfriends…but you’ve helped me see how one can encourage others while still maintaining privacy for ourselves.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for great feedback here.

      That last paragraph means so much to me, because it is indeed one of my personal missions for us to be able to talk about sex in our church and with fellow Christians. I’m one little voice on the internet (big whoop), but when more and more people in our faith communities begin speaking up for God’s design of sexual intimacy in marriage, that’s when I believe individual lives and marriages can really grow and experience His blessings. Thank you!

      Reply
  9. Lynn

    I like your blog because you keep a nice mix between the light and the serious, and you give more of a grab-bag of thoughts than the more narrowly focused marriage blogs. There are already quite a few blogs giving little inspirational messages, so I wouldn’t want you to go too far in that direction. I love when you share your own experiences, and I’m really liking the question-answer format, which would be a nice occational feature.

    Like Rosita, I started reading shortly after my marriage, and I was pretty much of an ignoramus, so I thank you, too, for normalizing things!

    Reply
  10. Lynn

    I just read all of the comments before mine. I married for the first time, with no sexual experience, at age 56, to a man of 76, and it was strange to have read books like ‘The Good Girl’s Guide’ which were more for 20-year olds (but still helpful!)

    Reply
  11. 68 days to go

    I’m getting married soon, so this has been really helpful! Non-Christian sites always assume we know what we’re doing because we started as teenagers… If you’re going to re-design the website, then putting all the “How To” stuff under one tab would be really handy, likewise maybe the advice for different stages. For example, at the moment I don’t need the advice for “just had a baby” or “with teenagers around”, so could skip those and go straight to “Newly wed”.
    Also, keep being funny!

    Reply
  12. alchemist

    I’d like more inspiration and theology posts.

    I’m going to be married soon. I have a lot of academic knowledge (I read my mom’s human sexuality textbook when I was in high school), but not a lot of specific, practical things. I’m not brave enough to look at those posts yet. Maybe after the honeymoon. I do plan on reading Good Girls guide and my pastor is making us get Intended for pleasure and read it in the month before getting married.

    I just like reading your stuff. You and Sheila are mentors. Nice ladies I can talk with. Or more accurately listen to/ eavesdrop on their conversation, without the inconvenience of actually having to look at people while doing it. It’s just comforting. Reading blogs not related to work helps me keep perspective. Grad school sucks you in and warps your perspective. It’s nice to know there are other people with other concerns in the world. And the communication and general love stuff is good for all relationships.

    Reply
  13. W

    I love your blog and have learned a great deal about sex and relationships from you. I’m about your age and been married 20 years We lived more like roommates for 6 or 7 years until I found you about 15 months ago (but have read every post back to the beginning). Since then we are happier, enjoy each other more and spend a lot more time focusing on the other’s needs and desires. Like others, I use your How To’s as a Go To resource. I also really appreciate your posts on communication and conflict resolution. I love your sense of humor and how you aren’t preachy. Reading you is much like you’ve mentioned a number of times….sitting across the table over a cup of Joe.
    Thanks for sharing your insight and wisdom. Keep up the good work.

    Reply
  14. Anonymous

    My husband & I have been married 30 years. Five children later we still have a great sex life. However, we struggled through the years just like most couples do. I wish your blog had been around 20 years ago as many of your posts would have addressed issues my sweet husband & I dealt with then. Now we are 60 and the things we face in our relationship have more to do with physical impairments than lack of desire. (Knees that don’t bend very well, arthritis, & other minor ailments). If you could address “how tos” for older folks who still have the desire to increase their marital pleasure that would be super helpful. Our children are grown & married — we have 7 grandchildren with more expected–but we’re not dead yet! Thanks for your open & frank discussions about this topic.

    Reply
  15. P

    What would you like me to blog about?
    More how-to posts
    More emphasis on Bible study or Christian theology and marriage/sex
    More humor posts thrown in there too!

    What would you like to see on the Hot, Holy & Humorous website?
    I confess – I have only been to the website like twice. Love the blog and the newsletters though!

    What do you want to see in my monthly(ish) newsletter?
    Resources you would recommend and other great posts from other blogs. I don’t have time to read much but it is great to get the “best of” list.

    How has Hot, Holy & Humorous helped you?
    I know you are not looking for it but…” J. Parker, you are fabulous!” I work for a church in the south and there are WAY too many wives who just don’t like sex – AT ALL. In the past, I have felt like a freak of nature or even unChristian because I have such a high libido. I often cannot relate to my friends at all! I started reading your blog and it has been a breath of fresh air! I can’t thank you enough for your faithful work! You have blessed my marriage and my ministry so much!

    Reply
  16. A.

    I have really been enjoying the reader questions. And I’ve been enjoying your regularly postings these last few weeks. I understand it’s time consuming but I do enjoy reading it.
    I really like your straight to the point approach. No cutesy names for things. That is a fresh of breath air. And it even shows in reader comments, because people aren’t afraid to share. A few years ago I would check out the forums on Focus on the Family, but they did more editing. I like reading what real people are struggling with and how they are dealing with it and overcoming.
    Another thing I really appreciate about you, is that you genuinely care. A few months ago I wrote you a question and it meant so much to me that you wrote me back. I wish I could find a friend like you here nearby.
    And because I know you said you don’t want just a love fest, there was a time something you wrote really got under my skin. I don’t even remember what it was. I didn’t check your site for a while, but then one day when I was bored I looked again. And now I’m a pretty regular reader. See that’s a good thing too though. To know that neither you nor I are perfect and even if we don’t agree on everything I can still really enjoy your honesty.
    Keep up the good work!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I get under my husband’s skin sometimes too, but then we’re good. 😉 Glad to know you stuck around! Thanks.

      Reply
  17. Pingback: Marriage: It Can Be Funny | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  18. DC

    Hmmmm…definitely keep the reader questions. Those are really good and interesting. Also, book suggestions would be fun. I’m an avid reader and would love that! You’re doing awesome. Really enjoy your blog!

    Reply
  19. AC

    If you haven’t done one already, a post for husbands on how to romance their wives before sex would be awesome! One kiss and “Thanks for making breakfast” doesnt exactly make me swoon. I’ve tried giving pointers, but we still struggle. Also, with porn so prevalent, there are so many hurting couples who could use more direction on how to heal in their sex lives.

    As for your website, I’d like to be able to search for a specific topic. I think that option is there for computer use, but not for mobile use. I’m almost always reading your blog from my phone!

    I don’t get your newsletter. I probably should.

    You’ve helped me think more about sex and not push it to the back burner.

    Reply
  20. CL

    I have to say that this website has helped me more than you can imagine. Having a husband who is a sex addict AND in church leadership, leaves me with almost no one I really know to talk with. It’s nice – is that the right word??? – to know I’m not the only one out there experiencing the pain and isolation of sex addiction.

    For the newsletter, I would really love a list of everything. I don’t think I miss much, but would be awesome to be able to save the newsletter with all the information from the prior month. Also, that would be easy to email/share.

    I think your focus is amazingly right on. Coming from the “sex is bad, don’t do it” parents has left me so internally confused, hurt and pained. I don’t know how I really feel anymore about sex. It’s always been hard to talk about and throw in the addict husband and it feels like a tornado spinning around. Maybe a tornado would be better actually.

    As of last night, after a gut feeling things haven’t been on the right path the last week or so, I asked him and basically was told his recovery is in his time and in his way. He doesn’t care that it affects his family – or faith.

    Keep up the posts – they are an encouragement to many more than you will ever know.

    Reply
  21. mary

    I also like your how to’s. And alao learned a lot from the last posts with questions and answers. Also i read all commenta and find them beneficial.
    O think it would be good to have q &a day maybe,with what asks you have and will have. It is important to mentain the relationship with readers and allow the opportunity for other to jump in,with comments.

    Your blog also helped my to get some knowledge prior to marriage and now aa a newlywed. It was a blessing indeed. Although i did not agree with everything and still don’t, ot doesn’t stop me from reading.

    as someone else said i would also like to have a search for a topic. I use the search box quite a lot but is not that relevant as having a list of topics.

    Thanks

    Reply
  22. dj

    I love your blog posts about frank sexual things…. how tos, ideas for spicing things up, specifics about options for intercourse… things that I can’t get anywhere else. I follow a few marriage blogs (To love honor and vacuum, etc) and get lots of relationship advice from there…. but rarely do I get anything honest and frank about sexuality like yours – does penis size matter? GREAT STUFF! Things to do with my mouth for my husband… things I used to read about in porn mags to get my info when I was younger … now that’s not a place we go in our marriage – so this has been so refreshing for me! I love it! THANK YOU for being so frank! I’ve never seen another blogger that does this – maybe there is, but to me this makes you stand out – your own little niche. 🙂

    As for what to see on the website… I really don’t do much there besides read the blog post. ? Can’t think of what else?

    DIdn’t realize you had a newsletter, and honestly, just love reading your blog posts.

    How has HHH helped me? I mentioned it in the beginning, but just having a place to go to that I can learn more about specifics of pleasing my husband has been awesome. It’s like reading Hustler without the porn! 🙂 THANK YOU for doing what you do! 🙂 And thank you for asking!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’m a little horrified that you mentioned my blog and porn in the same breath. (Okay, I was a lot horrified at first. LOL.) But I do hope to provide real-world information and frank advice based on a solid biblical foundation. Thanks so much for reading!

      Reply
  23. S

    Finally getting around to writing you here, but I’ve been thinking about this since you posted.
    1. What do you want me to blog about?
    I personally love what you write about now. Maybe I just fall into the “right” range, as I’m only a couple years younger than you, likely, with younger children, but I find most of what you write very applicable and helpful. The how-to’s are helpful, and you have a good variety men’s/women’s issues that you cover. My hubby and I are 15 years into our marriage, which ranges from good to great, generally, sometimes slipping into a crazy cycle or two every once in a bit. =) We have a pretty amazing sex life, with about equal libidos.

    2. What do you want to see on the website?
    I was helped in the beginning by the recommendations you had at the bottom of your blog (on my phone) for other marriage bloggers. Since I trusted what you said here, I felt safe to check out their blogs, too. There are a few that I still read semi-regularly.
    Your search engine is a good help, but I agree with others that it would be helpful to have a more specific index at the top – how to’s, women’s issues, men’s issues, high libido, low libido, etc

    3. What do you want in the newsletter?
    I don’t get your newsletter, and am happy with just following your blog for now.

    4. How has HHH helped you specifically?
    I’ve been reading your blog for close to two years now, I believe. One of the things that has impacted me the most is the fact that you hammered (and hammered and hammered) into my head, that my husband loves MY body. Well, maybe not specifically ME, but in general, and it’s impacted me positively – in and out of bed.
    Hubby has been reading the blog about as long. We have many conversations about what you blog/post about, and it has opened up our communication about sex in a huge way.
    Another thing – reading the comments, we have realized how many hurting people are out there, somewhat silent in their hurt, and because one can comment anonymously, our eyes have really been opened to some serious issues in marriage, and sex.
    Hubby is a pastor, and while I think he would maybe have brought some things up anyway in his sermons, I believe HHH has helped him, especially after realizing the number of people struggling, to be more open about teaching of healthy sexuality. I’m so proud of him for that!
    I like how honest and clear you are about things – I really appreciate that. I’m pretty conservative in a lot of ways, and I don’t think that I’ve disagreed with any of the advice you’ve given that I’ve read.
    Our marriage and sex life are definitely better thanks to many of your great posts! Thank you for being vulnerable – opening up and sharing, and caring for us out here that maybe wouldn’t have had these intimate “conversations” otherwise.

    May God continue to bless you, your husband and sons, and this ministry that He has placed in your hands. Thank you, J!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks for this. I agree that the comments move my heart in a big way. I’d known for a long time there were problems in many marriages, but reading all the stories… That said, I believe those couples who seek God’s blessing of sexual intimacy in marriage are enjoying far better sex lives. So here I am, trying to encourage that. And I really appreciate your husband for his leadership.

      Blessings!

      Reply
  24. Rebecca

    Hi J. I would love to see some more posts to help parents teach their kids a godly perspective on sex. I don’t really know where to begin but I want to be the one to teach them, not school kids which is how I learned, which because my parents didn’t teach me how it is sacred and special, I thought it was a juvenile thing to be doing all the time, which made me end up having the all-my-husband-wants-is-sex perspective for 8 years.

    Also, I was thinking it would be nice to have a program/book that can help soon-to-be spouses prepare for sex. I had 5-10% of premarital counseling that talked about sex. Sex is such a HUGE part of marriage that it should be talked about WAY more than that during marriage counseling.

    I remember, about a year ago, my husband and I got into yet another argument about how we didn’t have sex enough. I thought it was silly to constantly doing it so much, juvenile as I mentioned above. I knew my friends didn’t have sex as often as he wanted to with me, so it didnt feel fair to me to always have to do it. He’s mentioned before that it got physically painful to wait so long to have sex. But this time, I decided to do research online. I landed on a forum full of people talking about their failing marriages, because of the lack of sex and sacrifice and love toward each other. I did discover that it really was a physical need for most husbands and I just couldn’t believe some of the burdens these men were carrying. I decided then and there I would never let my husband carry that burden. I then searched for Christian sex blogs and found yours. I found a post called “be his sure thing” and it was the most eye opening concept for me. I cried remembering the times I have let him down and how he was walking on eggshells not knowing if I would respond yes or no. That poor man. I decided then I would never say no to him again.

    Since reading that post of yours, we have had the best years of our marriage. Our sex life is incredible now and we know that at the end of the day, we GET to be with each other. It is a privilege and we are basking in it. So that one post, plus the Holy Spirit’s work, changed my life and the way I encourage my friends in their marriages. No more, “its not fair.” Now, I tell my friends they don’t know what they are missing and how sacred it is.

    Thank you, J!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Wow, Rebecca. Thanks for sharing this! And no, it isn’t me. Must be the Holy Spirit! Many blessings!

      And I bet your husband, though he always loved you, is thrilled.

      Reply
  25. EL

    My husband and I are in our late 30’s with two small children. What we have feels more like a sexless co-parenting roommate arrangement and less like a loving marriage. It’s really depressing me. I would love to see an article about this or situations similar.

    Reply

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