Q&A with J: How Do I Get Her On Board to Improve Our Intimacy?

Today’s question is from a frustrated husband, and I bet he’s not the only guy out there dealing with a situation like this.

My wife is kind of an inanimate object when it comes to our sexual growth. If I bring something new into our intimate lives she is generally okay with it and is often enthusiastic and supportive. But if I’m not driving that train, nothing happens. If I don’t initiate a hug or a kiss, they don’t happen. If I don’t initiate sex, it would likely not occur. . .

After 20+ years of marriage I’ve arrived to a point where our intimate life really needs to improve. Like a typical male I took it on like any other project — read, read, read, research, research, research. Then we’ve been talking — more than she would like, but for the pendulum to find balance I think it’s got to get pushed the opposite way from where it’s been. The trouble is, if I’m not constantly expending energy towards improvement, we fall back. . . 

How do I get her on board? I want to increase our knowledge and pleasure. I want us to grow closer. I want more intimacy in all aspects of our lives. What do I need to do to help her expend energy toward that goal?

Q&A with J: How Do I Get Her On Board to Improve Our Intimacy?

Just last week, I answered a husband who wanted to rekindle the flame in their marriage, and I made the point that we often think about what we want and don’t take the time to determine what our spouse wants that could improve our sexual intimacy. That could be an issue here too — with the husband talking up his own wants and not pursuing the underlying reasons why his wife isn’t interested or active in lovemaking.

But let me point out another disconnect I hear from husbands and wives. It goes something like this:

Hubby: “Why doesn’t she pursue me sexually?” 

Wife: “I don’t feel comfortable initiating.”

Hubby: “Why doesn’t she want to have sex?”

Wife: “I don’t get in the mood very often.”

Hubby: “If she enjoys what we’re doing, why wouldn’t she want it more?”

Wife: “I like it when we do, but I just don’t yearn for it.”

By the way, if you’re the higher-drive wife with a lower-drive husband, just flip-flop that conversation and it might ring true for you.

Many women face obstacles when it comes to getting excited about getting busy in the marital bedroom:

They don’t feel comfortable initiating. Plenty of us Christian gals in particular were raised to think being sexual assertive put you right in line with whores, porn stars, and that cat-in-heat that yowled all night long in that super-creepy way.  Wanting sex too much or initiating it seemed unladylike. Now we enter marriage, and suddenly our husbands want us to pounce like sex kittens (no connection to that cat), and it’s hard to switch that on all-of-a-sudden.

Other wives just don’t know what to do. We don’t know how to initiate. We might know how to flirt and give subtle hints, but that’s not the same as initiating sex. (Frankly, some wives tried subtle initiation and got nothing back from hubby — because many men don’t read subtle — so they gave up.) The whole idea of initiating sex simply feels awkward.

One option is to come up with clear and easy signals she can use to initiate. Get creative about ways she can give you the hint like:

  • Lighting a special candle
  • Wearing certain lingerie to bed
  • Uttering a code phrase only you two understand
  • Placing a piece of candy on your pillow
  • Drawing a heart on your bathroom mirror

That way, she’s initiating sexual intimacy without feeling like a sexual aggressor or wondering how to get her point across without feeling so uncomfortable.

They don’t feel “in the mood” much. We’ve been learning more and more about female sexual arousal, and it’s simply not the same as most men. Women tend to get in the mood after physical interaction begins. Meaning that many wives don’t believe they’re sexually inclined because they don’t feel an independent sex drive outside of the bedroom. But that may not be how her body works.

It may be easier for you to initiate, recognizing her body will get into it more once you start. Or you could let her know you’re willing to engage in embracing, kissing, and touching without a demand for sex to follow. This could give her what she needs to get going and free her up from the pressure she feels when you start to kiss her, and she knows you want to have sex, but she’s not there yet, so she tenses up . . . (Yeah, I know, we’re complicated creatures.)

The more we women engage in kissing and touching that doesn’t necessarily lead to sex, the more I think it leads to sex. Because we awaken the sexual part of ourselves by engaging in romance and affection, and initiation follows. Will it always get there? No! But I think this is a good practice to encourage overall sexual interest for your wife.

She likes it, but doesn’t yearn for it. Hey, she likes it, she likes it! I know that doesn’t feel like enough right now, but that’s good. As I mentioned before, she may not have this independent yearning for sex itself, but with good memories, you can build an atmosphere that celebrates your sexual love and encourages anticipation for future intimacy.

Play a bit of remember when from time to time, pulling her into a close embrace and reminding her of a specific memorable encounter. Ask what she enjoys and be sure to do that next time. After lovemaking, make sure you allot time for her to bask in a bit of afterglow. Tell her you appreciate her and compliment how she makes you feel.

Make every time the best time you can have, and make good memories she can reference. Even if she doesn’t feel some burning desire to make love, she can have pleasurable feelings about your sexual relationship as a whole and become more responsive over time.

Finally, I want to encourage you to not talk about it so much. I understand what you’re saying about things getting better because you’re intentionally pursuing answers. And that’s great, it really is. However, lower-drive wives often tense up when their higher-drive husbands bring up the subject of sex. Again and again.

It can feel like you’re complaining or saying she’s not enough or communicating you love her for the sex. It can become a wedge in your relationship if that seems to always be on your mind when she doesn’t value it as much as other aspects of the relationship.

Sometimes I’ve encouraged people to stop talking about sex to their spouse, because the subject has become so stressful, the other cannot hear what you’re saying. If you’re bringing up the subject, and it feels like she clams up, closes up, and clocks out, that’s a sure sign it’s just too much for her. Back off, pursue her in other ways — like romance and speaking her love language — and consider how to help her with her sexual responses.

Hopefully, she can grow into greater intimacy and sexual initiation in your marriage bed.

25 thoughts on “Q&A with J: How Do I Get Her On Board to Improve Our Intimacy?

  1. Rico Suave Guapo

    Re: Initiating

    We’ve been conditioned by popular media (not just porn, though that certainly doesn’t help) that women who are in the mood go after men aggressively. But as usual, what we see on TV and the movies portray a fantasy, not reality. Most women want to be the pursued, not the pursuer.

    Couple that with the underlying message that many men have received that their sex drive is bad and shameful, and that they should keep it hidden away, and you end up with a lot of good men who are afraid to initiate because they love and respect their wives and don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. But men, if you want regular sex, you’re going to need to get comfortable initiating (and comfortable with hearing “no” from time to time). And for Pete’s sake, initiate like you mean it. Tepid back/arm/leg rubs, slowly working your way towards the more fun parts, looking for any sign of resistance in order to bail out – it’s not doing you any favors. Ask me how I know.

    Also, you need to learn your wife’s “tells” – subtle cues that she’s in the mood. For example, physical affection isn’t one of my wife’s love languages. We don’t typically spend a lot of time in close proximity when we’re just hanging out around the house. So when she does get close for a cuddle, it’s a good sign that she may be up for more later on. Or when she buries her foot under my leg at night, it’s game on. She did this for *years* before I realized that was her way of saying “come and get it.”

    Reply
  2. Christian Husband of 38 yrs

    A few thoughts:

    1) As far as the talking about it goes, instead of expressing a desire for more sex, try expressing a desire to be closer. Make it clear that it isn’t so much the case of wanting your jollies, but rather of wanting HER, and wanting more time being close with her. This has to be sincere and not just a cover story for ulterior motives – anyone will see straight through that immediately.

    2) Many of us are too busy these days to rely on mutual spontaneity. If you wait for both of you to be in the mood, you might end up waiting increasingly long times. I know some couples really don’t like scheduling, but the reality for a lot of us is that we do need to schedule times for intimacy, and make those times a priority if it is going to happen at all. If one spouse is not willing to make enough priority time on their calendar, then this is something that needs to be a serious discussion OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

    3) It is very possible for both of you to get in the mood when the scheduled time rolls around, even if one or both of you don’t feel like it initially. You do need to schedule enough time so that you can both relax, tune out the stresses and distractions of daily life, refocus on each other, and relax and enjoy each other’s company for a while – probably best before you even head into the bedroom. Even so, there are going to be times when the workload, stress level, or physical exhaustion is just going to be too much for one spouse. At those times, maybe the other will have to practice some sacrificial love, defer the sex to another day, and instead be there for the stressed-out spouse with a sympathetic ear, a warm embrace, a soothing massage, and a sincere prayer. You’ll at least be laying the groundwork for a much more mutually satisfying encounter on the next scheduled day.

    Sorry that this isn’t a quick and easy solution. I am certain that such does not exist. One of the first and most important lessons in marriage is that building and maintaining a good marriage is VERY hard work.

    Reply
  3. Keelie Reason

    I think a lot of women don’t give themselves the permission to explore their sexuality. That, and unless any gender puts effort into sex, it won’t be that amazing. It is harder to yearn for something that you aren’t enjoying that much.

    Reply
  4. B

    Posts like this make me so sad. I do appreciate, J, that you did acknowledge higher drive wives. But it’s another post to add to the hundreds I’ve read about the wives who are blessed to have husbands that desire them, and how much their husbands desire them. The reverse (my situation) is a very small minority.

    I feel like the one woman on earth who isn’t good enough, and I can’t figure out why. My husband says he wants me, and he’ll have sex with me sometimes if I initiate, but he very rarely pursues me. And I never say no to him! I wonder what it is about me that seems to repel him, when all other wives seem to have husbands who can’t keep their hands off of them.

    I’m not fat, he doesn’t watch porn, I’m not bad looking. We get along. The only major issue is that work is his true love. But anyhow, it’s the same old, same old. I’ve never really figured out how to get him interested other than flat out saying something.

    I used to initiate a lot, until I started reading blogs and realized I was making a fool out of myself. Once I realized most husbands are pursuing their wives and not vice versa, I realized how pathetic I’d been all these years by pursuing him. So I did my best to stop. But I slip up when my needs get too great and I will find myself coming on to him. I hate it.

    I also stopped because he often didn’t respond. This part of your post jumped out at me:

    “(Frankly, some wives tried subtle initiation and got nothing back from hubby — because many men don’t read subtle — so they gave up.) The whole idea of initiating sex simply feels awkward.”

    Since I stopped with the overt initiating, I’ve dropped 10,000 hints, and he doesn’t respond. I figured he was just not interested anymore. But when we talk (or fight) about it, he acts like I never acted like I was initiating. He misses it completely unless I’m super obvious, and being super obvious makes me feel like a pathetic beggar.

    Just once I’d like to know what it feels like to have a husband who actually desires me and wants to pursue me sexually. I love my husband so much, so I’ve had to learn to accept that sex isn’t nearly as important or special to him as it is to me. It’s painful, but I guess it’s my lot in life.

    I’ve also never been able to figure out what makes these other wives, the ones that are so desired by their husbands, so confident that they don’t desire their husbands sexual love. How can they push him away that easily, and not realize how blessed they are to be wanted? That their husband feels they are worth the effort of pursuing them? If my husband came on to me, I’d love it! I guess I’m too needy or something.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Higher-drive wives are not a “very small minority” — rather, they likely comprise 15-25% of marriages. I answered the question posed to me in this post, but I have written quite a few posts about higher-drive wives and certainly acknowledged that possibility in this post. You are not alone, and there is hope.

      Please don’t stop initiating. It doesn’t make you “pathetic” to pursue sexual intimacy for your marriage. Continue to do what you can to enjoy that physical closeness while pursuing better answers to increase your husband’s libido and interest. Blessings!

      Reply
      1. B

        I admit a lot of the problem is me. I struggle feeling envious of wives who have husbands that desire them so much and they just push them away and yet their husbands STILL yearn for them. Its something I need to get over. Logically I know I shouldn’t compare my marriage to others, but it’s so hard not to.

        All bloggers quote that “15 to 25%” higher drive wife stat, but I find it very hard to believe. I have never heard anyone in real life have my problem. All you ever hear about is husbands who can’t stay away from their wives. Of course, I don’t go around talking about my issue in real life because it is absolutely humiliating. So maybe…

        I really try hard not to initiate, and I have been trying to “train” myself to stay away from him. I don’t want to be the one loser wife who has to beg for her husband to want her. I still feel really badly about all the years I initiated before I realized how marriage is “supposed” to work. I don’t think my husband’s low libido is something that can be addressed. It just is what it is. I strongly equate his low libido with my lack of appeal or lack of worth. If he found me desireable, he would have no libido issues. Everything works fine on the rare occasions that he is interested. So I think our main problem is just a lack of interest in me. It’s okay. It’s hurtful, but I completely understand that you cannot force someone to have feelings for you that they do not have. He says he loves me all the time and he acts very loving. He’s just not very interested in me in “that” way. THankfully I think I’ve moved past hurt and anger to just acceptance.

        @Christian Husband mentioned scheduling. I mentioned scheduling sex to my husband and he got very upset. He does not like the idea of scheduling intimacy. I assume it’s because he doesn’t want to be held to something if he decides that day he’s not in the mood.

        It’s funny that you advise continuing to do what I can to encourage physical closeness. I have found it better to do the opposite. I’ve started sleeping on the couch most nights (although he says he misses me it’s too painful to lay in bed next to him and know he doesn’t want me), and just “being close” makes me sad – because I have to try SO HARD not to initiate, and to keep my distance.

        It’s a complex problem. I do feel for the original question asker. I understand how hard it is not to talk about something that means so much to you, when your spouse doesn’t even want to talk about it. To me it feels like he’s saying “you’re not worth intimacy, or even discussing it.”

        I know I’m being hard on him here, because he’s a great husband in every other way. It just really takes a toll on you to feel like you are the one wife who got the whole thing wrong.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Yes, high-drive wives are typically silent in groups. I’ve seen a few speak up, and they often get shot down with, “Aren’t you lucky?” (no, she’s not), “I wish my husband would lay off” (no, you shouldn’t), etc. So they clam up. I try to break that myth here, because I HEAR from these wives. My email inbox is FULL of wives who want more sex than their husbands. Please do not feel alone.

          And please combat your own myths like “If he found me desireable, he would have no libido issues.” Not true. Many sex problems in marriages are not personal against the spouse; they would reside with that individual no matter whom they married.

          I really think you need to reconsider how you talk to yourself about these issues and about yourself (words like “loser” and “pathetic” don’t empower us to make positive changes). If you need to, see a Christian counselor who can help you reframe the issue and find ways to work toward healing

          Reply
          1. B

            Yes, and to the wives who say “you’re so lucky” or “I wish my husband would lay off” – they might as well just kick sand in my face and say “you’ll never be as good as me, because my husband actually wants me, you must be hideous and repulsive. My husband can’t get enough of me. There must be something horribly wrong with you.”

            I have tried praying for God to remove my sexual desire for my husband, but it hasn’t worked. I’m not even sure that’s what I really want, but sometimes it feels like a desperate situation.

          2. J Post author

            They’re not kicking sand in your face. Many of those wives have struggles too — just different ones.

    2. alchemist

      Why do you feel badly for initiating before? There is now way that marriage is “supposed” to work (beyond loving each other as outlined in the bible). There is no command in the bible that says a woman shall not initiate. There is nothing in Genesis that says that Adam chased Eve around the garden and then they knew each other. There is nothing in the epistles that says men shall take the initiative for sexual intimacy. So don’t feel bad about it. Averages doesn’t mean that’s how it’s supposed to be. Most people these days live together before marriage and have multiple sexual partners. That doesn’t mean that’s how sex and marriage is *supposed* to work. There is at least one entire website dedicated to higher drive wives. You see them come out in the comment section of lots of marriage blogs. You are definitely not alone. So like J says; don’t beat yourself up about it. Negative self-talk never solved any problems. Like ever. In the history of the world.

      Fun fact for you. Paul from the marriage bed says that the Jews thought of the women as having higher/ more powerful drives. Apparently they actually had schedules of how many times a week a husband should make love to his wife based on their occupations.

      It seems that lots of people have problems with the idea of scheduled sex. Not even only in a case of mismatched libido. Some people just find it really un-sexy it seems.

      Reply
      1. B

        I feel badly because I never knew I was making a fool of myself. From all the marriage blogs I’ve read, the husband is the pursuer, and the wife the pursued. I never realized I was throwing myself at him. I must have looked desperate and incredibly needy. No wonder he wasn’t as interested as I was, I wasn’t making it fun by making him “chase” me. all I knew is that I loved being with him. I didn’t know I was supposed to be holding out. I am still horribly embarrassed over the whole situation.

        Now sometimes I’ll read “wives, your husband would like you to initiate.” Yes, I guess so, if she’s never done it, or if he’s really into her. But once I learned my husbands lack of interest was probably due to my over initiation, I stopped cold turkey. Every now and again I’ll forget myself and come on to him, and he will often respond positively. But then I hate myself for days for giving into my desire for my husband, and not holding out like the more attractive and desireable wives do. So I rarely enjoy the actual sex anymore, because about halfway through I start kicking myself for not being able to control my desire to be with him. It’s SO frustrating.

        That’s why I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch. He says he doesn’t like that, but it keeps me away from him and lets him get a good night sleep.

        There used to be a website written by a higher drive wife, but then she gave it up. She said there were problems in her marriage but she never said what. I pray for her when she comes to mind, but her site is long gone. Unless you are thinking of another site.

        But to answer your question, that’s why I feel so lousy about initiating sex. The real shame is, we used to have a decent sex life, or at least I thought so, but once I realized I was basically coercing him into pity sex, I had to give it up. He says that’s not the case, but of course he’s gonna say that. Just read the blogs. In a normal marriage, the husband wants the wife far more than she wants him, he does the pursuing. On rare occasions, as a treat, she does the initiating. But it’s supposed to be the man pursuing the wife, not the other way around. I had the whole thing backwards.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          No, no, no! Stop comparing your marriage and thinking others are “normal” because he pursues. If you pursuing works, go for it! I don’t see how it improves your marriage to basically call your husband a liar, refuse to have sex, and sleep on the couch. Please consider what you’re doing and how you can make things better for your relationship.

          Reply
  5. A.

    You know one thing I’ve struggled with, is that in the past sometimes if I initiated it seemed my hubby took this as a sign that anything goes. I mean it would turn him on almost too much and he would start pushing for stuff I don’t like. So it kind of made me shut down. In a way I’m afraid that if I initiate more or do something else special, then he’ll think I’m super lusty and not understand that I don’t want to go crazy. And then the drama and hurt feelings spiral out of control from there.
    So, on occasion if she does initiate don’t make her regret it afterwards.

    Reply
  6. John Q

    All of these tips are great suggestions, but the biggest influence your lower drive spouse has is their attitude about sexual intimacy. If the attitude is a healthy one, “hey, I may not feel like it now, but I know I will once we get started,” your chances of success greatly improve. But, I f the attitude is unhealthy, “ugh! again? Why can’t my spouse just leave me alone? Why can’t God just smite their sex drive so I can have some peace?” your chances of improvement are very slim.

    I have yet to figure out how to actively address the attitude change. Prayer, prayer and more prayer.

    Reply
  7. G

    Did I ask the initial question? The similarities are almost too much.

    This is one aspect of the blog which is truly a godsend — it let’s me know I’m not the only one. We’re not the only couple facing these challenges. it’s great to have a forum to hear from others who have found ways to solve the myriads of problems found within sex.

    One related problem we run into is I want to please my wife. I keep a laminated card in my wallet with her love languages — just in case I see something when I’m and about that can apply — I “speak” her language as much as possible. But I can’t get her to open up about how to please her sexually. I think there are some hangups from our culture and the church (not the gospel — I separate those — to me, Christ and His gospel is perfect… the rest of us are trying, but we’re not there yet. The church is for the sick right?). When I speak about my sexual likes and dislikes she gets uncomfortable and shuts the conversation down as soon as she can; I don’t know why — shetland ponies are adorable! (Kidding… kidding).

    So, I’m in a bit of a pickle; I don’t know how to improve our intimacy without communicating. The lack of it in our marriage has finally started to take a toll on everything else. I’ve been working on this for 20 years and keep making a mess of it all. We are growing closer, but it’s still lacking and the hurt is building up more and more. I pray for aid and I lay that hurt at the Savior’s feet every day — I don’t know what to do with it. I guess I’m getting a little forlorn about the whole thing. The hope that was there has dimmed, and the time we have left to enjoy this blessing is rapidly coming to a close.

    If all I can do is give thanks that I live an otherwise great life and have food and a house and wasn’t born in Sierra Leone during the 90’s or some other hellish part of the world, then so be it. I just need to be grateful for what I have and let the other things go while hoping for a better life after.

    Open to any and all suggestions.

    Reply
  8. scott

    G

    I can relate except I don’t speak my wifes love language near as well as you do yours. What I hear when I ask, “what can I do to make our intimacy more pleasing for you?” I get a oh gosh, you are doing great.

    I am very attentive and do understand her body well and what gets her to finish line a very high % of the time. what I yearn for is to have her submit to the fact it is not wrong for her to enjoy sex. and with that understand I want to please her, help me bless her like only her god given husband can/should. without this it just like duty sex on her part.

    she can barley talk about sex, catholic and bad messages somewhere in her past. just need to love on her. creates more self gratification then I would want but when quantity and quality are down…..

    Reply
    1. G

      Scott — you put that so well “I want to please her, help me bless her like only her God-given husband can/should.” I think God hard-wired us to want to provide that for our wives. I’m having succinct paragraph jealousy. You nailed it so very well. No pun intended.

      Reply
      1. B

        @scott and @G, you both sound like great husbands! I find something interesting in what you said. Scott, you said “I want to please her, help me bless her like only a God-given husband can/should.” And G, you replied with, “I think God hard-wired us to want to provide that for our wives” I find that interesting, because my husband always SAYS he loves me, he SAYS he finds me attractive, and he SAYS he just wants to make me happy. Words, words, words I get so sick of the empty words. I’d like to believe him, but his lack of interest and his lack of initiation SCREAMS “you’re not enough for me – you’re not worth the time.” I don’t get what he doesn’t get about that. I try very hard not to initiate anymore because I absolutely HATE pity sex.

        You two obviously love your wives in every way, and I hope they realize how blessed they are. My husband tells me he just wants me to be happy. And I tell him what would make me happy is for him to desire me in that special way, and pursue me. And he says he does desire me – but he very rarely initiates anything and that is like a kick in the gut. I cannot be happy knowing I will never be desireable to him. I can learn to be content, but I don’t think I’ll ever be happy.

        In many other ways, I can relate to your comments – it’s just that I’m the wife. Looks like my husband and I got this whole thing backwards.

        Reply
        1. G

          B — I am so sorry. Feeling rejected sexually brings its own heart-wrenching pain. It’s unlike anything else. I’ve had enough tread on the road to have experienced a number of incredibly painful moments (as everyone has). But this brand of hurt has a unique way of filtering into every little nook and crevasse.

          Because it seeps so deeply into our souls, it becomes so much harder to root out. We pray and pray and pray for the pain to cease. For our innate sexual desire to wain. We pray to find that healing balm of Gilead to at least make it all bearable.

          I just wanted you to know I’m sorry for what you are feeling. As you’ve seen in this blog you are not alone. I remember a wonderful neighbor of ours confiding in my wife how tired she was of pursuing her sexually lackadaisical husband. It was a revelation to my wife (and me). By having another woman express the pain of her situation, my wife was able to better understand how I had been feeling. Would your husband be up for reading some of the comments found within this blog? I realize how difficult that may be; you are already hurting and asking your husband to open his heart to reading and understanding the effect he’s having on your life requires the risk of more pain and more rejection.

          There was a great talk in church a while back about how we need to step into the darkness for the Lord to show us the path. As we venture with faith in Him, He will show us the way, but it takes us putting that foot forward for that light of faith to appear.

          I pray you will be able to find that sure footing and that balm to heal your heart. Thankfully J. Parker has created a safe-haven for these almost unbearable challenges to be brought out into the light. So, so very sorry.

          Reply
  9. Scott Morgan

    Thx G for the comments

    B,
    first off I am FAR from the best husband. I am a hard driving very successful businesses founder and owner. I set the bar very high for my wife and kids and have valued them based on performance, yeh like an employee, very hurtful. I do find my wife very attractive and pursue her often. I get the lead up and frankly really enjoy some good flirting with her to set the mood for later. Problem is she is totally not into it, she has NEVER said no once in 25 years, but has she let me know she desires me, no, too embarrassing for her. I would love to ravish her but don’t get the communication she even desires that. I would say from experience, when I was totally consumed in work I was way less assertive regarding sex. Not at all the “I am not good enough” stuff you are feeling. I know for sure my wife felt that way and I was totally lost in work. had nothing to do with her. but since she never initiated, never said this important, never said I need this, I want you in an intimate way I just fumbled through. All this to say I think you’re being hard on yourself and your husband, there’s probably a whole lot going on that has nothing to do with your attractiveness. I understand how it makes you feel, I feel that way today in my marriage. No she is not a refuser but sends the message that I do this because I know it is IMPORTANT TO YOU. I want her to engage in intimacy with me her husband because she enjoys it and has no emotional baggage with it.

    Reply
  10. Eric V

    Thanks for this post. Thanks for all your posts. I really appreciate them.

    Perhaps some men also don’t initiate as much out of shame. We get a lot of mixed messages from our culture and it’s easy for men to feel ashamed for simply wanting sex. I do and it really bothers me in spite of being aware of it. The church hasn’t always been helpful either here. I just spent a few days with my parents since my father had to have surgery and I had to sit through my mother complaining that much of the ills of the world are the result of how powerful the male sex drive is. She’s a Christian by the way. Fortunately, I long ago reached the point where I don’t take stuff like that from her seriously anymore but it was still painful to hear. Needless to say, I didn’t get sex positive messages from her when I was growing up.

    It was infuriating to read about other women complaining about being pursued! That must have been so hard to listen to. I truly wonder though, how often complaints like that come from a place where the person takes being able to have sex for granted and might sing a different tune if suddenly they weren’t being pursued anymore. So often, when we take things for granted, we don’t appreciate them as much as we should. Just my thoughts. Thanks again for your blog.

    Reply
  11. A. Nony Mous

    Scientifically speaking, most women primarily experience responsive desire (“I like it, but I don’t yearn for it”) rather than spontaneous desire (“You know what sounds good right now? SEX!”) for seasons of their lives, if not for their entire sexual lives! If your wife gets aroused and interested in being intimate after the two of you start fooling around, but isn’t particularly interested until that point… that’s normal! Responsive desire is just a normal variation of human sexuality! I feel like this information could be SO freeing to women who feel like they’re broken because they don’t just want to jump their husband’s bones the minute he walks in the door, or because it takes them a while to warm up to the idea of intimacy. Ladies, you’re not broken. Your responsive desire is beautiful.

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  12. Jem

    B-
    I am the higher drive wife. My poor husband was overwhelmed after we got married! He doesn’t have a low drive, but not like mine. He honestly thought that I would only want to have sex once or twice a month before we got married, as well, so he was prepared to be rejected all the time. I thought he’d want to have sex more than once a day, so I got ready to be asked a lot! Because we both enjoy sex so much, I cried and thought I was being a bad wife the first time he didn’t feel like having sex with me! Hehe. Now, if I think about it, I realize that I initiate probably 80-90% of the time. But it isn’t a big deal. I just start! It’s TOTALLY FINE to be like that. He does like it. I know he would ask for it more if we had sex less often, but that’s not going to stop me from being excited about being with him. I love him, and want to please him. I know he’d ask for more, because after our two babies were born, we could both hardly stand being apart. There’s just something so connecting about fully enjoying each other. And that’s how God MEANT it to be. Love him! He’s yours, and he’s only yours, and he loves you, and there’s no one else EVER who you will share that with. Please don’t be embarrassed or worried that you aren’t ‘normal’. Who cares what ‘normal’ is? You are you and nobody else! You don’t have to be like other people!

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