Q&A with J: “Is My Penis Big Enough?”

I didn’t know how else to title this blog post! That’s right to the heart of what today’s question is about. Frankly, it’s not just one question. Rather, every once in a blue moon I get someone writing me through a comment or email and suggesting that penis size matters way more than I’ve suggested.

It might be a woman who swears she wants nothing to do with a man who isn’t extremely well-endowed or a husband complaining he can’t “fill her up.” Even to the point of a recent email in which a husband was considering a surrogate sexual partner for his wife because his penis wasn’t able to meet her desires.

In whatever form the question is worded, it comes down to this: Is my (or his) penis big enough to satisfy?

Q&A with J: "Is My Penis Big Enough?"

And my answer is: It depends.

Almost every man is big enough. From my research, it appears that the average erect penis is 5.16 inches in length and 4.59 inches in girth (from a study of over 15,000 men — that’s a big study sample).

When it comes to length, the range is perhaps from about 4.7 to 6.3 inches in length, with outliers representing a very small percentage of men. For instance, that 6.3-inch penis falls into the 95th percentile, and an erect penis less than 3.94 inches is in the 5th percentile (that is, 5 out of 100 men). But how much of your that can a wife feel? Because that’s the real issue when it comes to sexual satisfaction with his size.

There aren’t as many studies about the depth of the vagina, but it appears to be about 4.25 to 4.75 when aroused. Meaning the vast majority of penises will more than get the job done — especially when you consider that perhaps 90% of her nerve endings are in the outer third portion of the vagina. It’s not that she won’t feel you deeper inside, but she’ll feel it most at the opening and closer to her clitoris.

But while many guys are perfectly fine in size, they have this feeling that maybe they aren’t quite enough or maybe they’d be more satisfactory to their mate if they were bigger. One study showed that while 88% of men viewed themselves as average or large, 45% of men wanted to be bigger.

Why? I think it’s because of chatter and imagery that bigger is better. All those men exposed to porn have likely seen larger-than-average men and may get a wrong view of what’s normal (regarding sex, too, but that’s a subject for another day). It’s something men talk about, worry about, wonder about. Moreover, even if you’re average, don’t you want to be above average? In every way to your mate?

Relax. Unless you’re under 3 inches erect, the length of your penis should be able to satisfy your wife. If you are among the extremely small percentage of men who are less than that, talk to your mate and see what she thinks, and/or talk to your doctor.

And what about girth? Doesn’t that matter more? Women say it does (in one study, 33% of women). However, women are far more satisfied with their partner’s penis that the men themselves. Only 6% of women reported in one study reported that their partner had a small penis, and 85% of women total were quite happy with the length and girth of their men.

What about those 15% who weren’t? The study didn’t ask why are you dissatisfied. I have a feeling some of that is not the tool itself, but how the equipment is used. Or maybe the issue is on the woman’s side . . .

Vaginas stretch . . . and contract. The other part of the equation is how big is she? Some contend that the wife’s vagina has stretched, and she now desires a fuller penis size to satisfy her. Here’s the thing: It does stretch in childbirth and with sexual activity, but not all that much. Our vaginas are very adaptable, ladies. It’s like Elastigirl down there. it stretches a lot, but springs back. Pretty cool handiwork from God, if you ask me.

Still, you might be a little looser than you once were or bigger by design. So maybe you would like a little more girth? Actually, it will fabulously easier for you to tighten up your vagina muscles than for him to add an inch around his penis. Sheila Gregoire has written about what you can do When You’re Too Loose.

Essentially, it’s all about exercise. Of course, Kegels. But squats are also good. And just about any exercise can help, because you’re strengthening your muscles and becoming more toned throughout. Giving your sweet little vagina a work-out might be the best thing you can do to make sure you can feel all of your husband’s fullness.

Sexual satisfaction is more about performance and intimacy than size. Most of the people who write me arguing that penis size matters so very much have something in common: They come across as being all about the physical aspect of sex. Honestly, after one cutting email from a husband about this subject, I sorta wanted to respond, “It’s a poor musician who blames his instrument.” Most wives are not about the size of his penis, but what he does with it!

While sex is supposed to feel good, if it’s all about reaching some physical high, then you’re missing out on what God designed sex to be in marriage. Attend to the intimate part of the experience, making sure you spend time kissing, touching, arousing one another, and enjoying each other — whatever size your body or body parts are. Your husband’s penis is one part of his body, and there are plenty of other places to arouse and enjoy. It’s a total-body experience, so enjoy the whole enchilada, amigo!

And learn to use what you’ve got. Certain positions and angles can maximize the sensations for both of you — try different things. If he’s smaller-than-average, I’d bet oral sex is an easier activity for you two, so delight in that benefit. Use your hands, your mouth, your body, and your genitals to make this a fabulous experience.

And wives, make your husband feel good about his manhood. This is as sensitive a subject to many men as breast size (or waist size) to many women. Let him know he’s enough and help him learn how to pleasure you and make sex a physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying experience.

Is your/his penis big enough? It’s likely big enough to do everything it needs to do, because the focus is a loving sexual experience. Which doesn’t require a big penis — rather, a big heart.

Sources: Men’s Journal – Once and For All Defining the Average Penis Size; Women’s Health – Is Your Guy’s Penis Above or Below the Average Girth Size?; How Stuff Works: Vagina (Discovery Health); The Marriage Bed – The Male Genitals; Web MD – Does Vagina Size Matter?; Science Mag – How Big Is the Average Penis?; The Journal of Sexual Medicine – Penile size and penile enlargement surgery: a review; Psychology of Men & Masculinity: Does Size Matter? Men’s and Women’s Views on Penis Size Across the Lifespan; CNN – Is Your Penis Size ‘Normal’?; NHS/UK – Penis Size; Medical News Today – What Is the Average Penis Size? 

24 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “Is My Penis Big Enough?”

  1. Keelie Reason

    Great post J! I honestly can’t imagine not wanting to be with my lover because his penis was too “small”. That would be as degrading as him telling me my breasts are too “small”…or my butt is too “big”….or whatever. Definitely, I agree with the person who says, it’s not about the size, but the person. It is pretty crazy what we worry about when it comes to sex.

  2. Anonymouse

    I’m one of those guys with a larger than average penis, and I sometimes wish it were smaller. Having a larger than average penis makes some sex positions painful for my wife. I also can’t thrust hard because that hurts her too. So if you’re a guy with an average penis, be grateful.

    1. J Post author

      Good point. There are actually more complaints from women about too-big than too-small. But whatever size you have, I think you can have wonderful intimacy!

    2. Kay

      THANK YOU. That’s what I was going to say. Bigger is NOT better. In fact, bigger hurts. So yes, guys, your penis is big enough. It’s what you do with it (and other body parts) that matters.

  3. Christian Husband of 38 yrs

    I think we all know what this is really all about. It all goes back to the bands of hunter-gathers on the savanna. The guys start in with the competitive one-up-manship: “The animal I killed is bigger than yours!” “Well, I can throw a rock farther than you can!” “Oh yeah, well my spear is bigger than your spear!” And so it goes, down through the centuries. It has nothing really to do at all with sexual intimacy between a man and a woman, and absolutely everything to do with sexual and status competition between men.

  4. A.

    I know this was mostly about penis size, but you did address vagina size too. Sometimes I do hear women worry if having a child will make them too loose. But you know what after delivering my first child sex got a lot easier and less painful. Delivering a nine + pound baby was just what I needed. So first time mommies, don’t worry – it can help.

      1. B

        What about when it doesn’t? I’ve never been able to have sex without pain, which has been the most heartbreaking thing to learn about myself after waiting till marriage like the good Christian girls are supposed to do. I’m two years into our marriage now, gave birth about 10 weeks ago, waited almost 9 weeks to try again, and I just couldn’t do it due to the pain. Honestly, I’m at my wits end, because I know it isn’t fair to my husband to just stop trying. But I really wish I could.

        1. J Post author

          You’ve got to talk to your doctor. Please insist that they help you find answers. It shouldn’t be that painful, so there may be a physical issue. After childbirth, I was so low on estrogen, it was like knife-cutting to try sex…but I finally got a medical professional who listened to me, did a thorough physical exam, and prescribed the estrogen I needed. Keep searching for answers.

          And congrats on the little one! Take care of yourself.

        2. April

          Yes, I second that you need to talk to your doctor! I have two friends with rare disorders (2 different ones) that made sex painful for them. One was able to take meds to solve the problem. The other still struggles occasionally, but her doctors are helping her get answers and it’s getting better. There’s help and hope!

        3. Anonymous

          Hey! Don’t be discouraged. You may not be all the way healed from the birth. Sex hurt me until 7 months after our first child was born. It hurt when we first got married, through the first pregnancy, and for those first 7 months postpartum. But once I finally healed up, it finally stopped hurting! So maybe your body just needs more time!

    1. Anon

      That was true for me too! I’ve never heard anyone else say that. Before babies, a LOT of sex positions were off the table because they were too uncomfortable. Things are so much more fun and interesting now, post-childbirth!

  5. Lynn

    I was really happy to have read in ‘The Good Girl’s Guide’, immediately before my marriage, that I was going to look at ‘it’ and say, “There is no way that thing is going in ‘there'”. That was exactly what I thought, and still think, and has turned out to be true, actually. So, size can be intimidating! I find the relationship that men have with ‘it’ is fascinating; women don’t have anything comparable. I often talk to my husband about it, and he is amused and amusing! Paul Byerly wrote on his blog, ‘The XY Code’, that men like it when we like their parts. I can tell my husband is pleased when I tell him that I like his ‘parts’, but I always make sure he knows it’s HIM that I love.

  6. Mr. K

    Just to frame my remarks, I am a tall, high drive male, in his late sixties married for over four decades to a very low drive, post menopausal wife who gave birth to three children. and has diminished vaginal sensitivity. All of that is to say we should be past “size matters”.

    Madison Avenue espouses bigger is better – everything from mansions and Hummers to “supersize me” We may know better consciously but those message are subconscious. So society rewards size. Studies show tall men are more likely to get hired and promoted and perhaps more likely to get noticed by women. At a primal level I think there is some internal programming that says larger breasts and larger penises equate to higher virility. Look at other species – what is it other than size related attributes that defines the alpha male? And what criteria, other than virility-related, does the alpha male look for in a mate?

    But for me, the desire to be bigger comes down to this: seeing my wife naked fills me with desire which I happily communicate to her. I think most men experience that. Seeing me naked does not, however, induce feelings of desire in her. If we make love it is because she wants the intimacy and not because she craves my body. It is beautiful and loving and satisfying but there is a part of me that aches to feel desired physically. I can’t get rid of the niggling little voice in the back of my head saying that if I was bigger, then she would crave me like I crave her. I want to be more than loved, I want to be her alpha male.

    How often have you written telling women that their man wants/needs to feel desired? Our basic insecurity tells us that if we aren’t desired it is because our manhood isn’t desirable enough. I think the implicit acceptance of their penis is a key reason why fellatio is so treasured by men and why a lack of it feels so much like a deep rejection of us.

    Thanks for letting men read and respond to your blog. I can’t tell you how helpful it has been in my being able to undo so much of the unhealthy teachings and messages I grew up with Thank you and keep up the wonderful contributions you make. Your work matters and changes lives! (And don’t get so serious that you forget to be humorous 😉 )

  7. alchemist

    What is it with men and their ‘part’?

    If you’re having intimacy issues, why would you think your size has anything to do with it? It’s one part of your whole body. It’s less than 10% of your body. Why would that be the thing you’d fixate on? It just seems like a really bizarre conclusion. Also, why don’t you ask your wife?

  8. Anonymous

    I have always been told that size does not matter but would you do with it . Crude way of saying it but it is true. It is all about technique, not size.

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  10. princevinco

    I agree, size does not matter because there are men with big penis, but their wives were not normally satisfied sexually and there are some with small penis and their wives always reach an orgasm each time they had sex. What matters is being able to conduction the mood of your wife before the act. If your wife is well relaxed as to be well lubricated, you will give her pleasure beyond imagining with a small penis.

  11. R

    I have struggled with this for my entire marriage and in fact have thought I’m not a real wife. My husband has buried penis. For a couple of years, he couldn’t really do any penetration of me other than genital touching :(. I didn’t feel like a real wife and went to therapy. In fact, I was angry because I was told if I was a good girl that I would find my husband and have great sex. Well, he got the surgery and he was able to take it out but it’s very, very tiny and he had trouble getting it out and it was very painful for him. Now, it’s back to buried and will peek out a bit when erect. So, we can kinda have intercourse (I feel it a tiny bit) but not much more.

    This is a source of pain and frustration and worse…resentment. I admit it. I love him. I truly love my husband and he’s a sweetie but I resent this. It is due to this reason we can’t have children either. I feel I’ve been robbed and that I’m not a “real” wife even though we did manage to have some intercourse a bit after the surgery. The fact that his condition returned has been grating on me and honestly there is nothing we can do. Yes, he needs to lose weight (I do too) but even if he lost a ton of weight, the problem still remains. It is TOO small. 🙁

    1. J Post author

      So yeah, I think there are some men who have real issues, but this is a physical difficulty your husband should talk to his doctor about. Encourage him to pursue answers. Saying a prayer for you both!!!

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  13. David

    Girth is the aspect of size that pleases a woman, not length. All of her sensitive areas are near the opening of her vagina. I have 4 inches non bone-pressed and 5.5 inches bone-pressed. The 5.5 inches is fully useable during intercourse because the suprapubic pad is very compressible during the thrusting aspect of penetration.

    However, I am nearly 5.75 inches in girth, which is well above average. I have been with many women and have always satisfied them very well. They almost always returned for more sex. Again, girth is the aspect of size that pleases the women during intercourse, not length. Most men are hung-up on length and just plain fail to realize that girth is far more important. Unless their penis is very thin they can satisfy a woman and should not be hung-up about it.

    1. J Post author

      You know what really satisfies a woman? Monogamy. Studies have shown that the most satisfying sex, for both genders, comes from dedicated relationships, like marriage. That’s what I address here, both as a Christian and as someone who wants my readers to experience the best sex they can. Instead of thinking too much about penis size, I suggest men invest in knowing and loving one woman — say, for a lifetime. All the best, David!

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