The question I posed on Monday was: “Here comes hubby looking for some nooky, and you are feeling more worn out than a Tupperware container from 1974. What should you do?”
Last week, I said that I have met women on both bookends of this question — women who withhold sex whenever they don’t feel perfectly primed for the event and women who feel that a godly wife never refuses her husband’s advances. I called them Withholding Wanda and Never-Say-No Nina. If you want to know what I said to Wanda, click on that post here.
While Withholding Wanda practically requires her husband to cross an alligator-infested moat, scale castle walls, and fight off numerous defenders to reach his princess and get a little bedroom reward, Never-Say-No Nina swears that the best way to keep a man happy is to always be available. No barriers. No hesitation. No nos.
Now listen, there are legitimate reasons to refrain now and then. 1 Corinthians 7:5 tells us that a husband and wife may mutually agree to take a break from the physical to focus on the spiritual. And they are good physical reasons to postpone lovemaking as well, such as a contagious illness, a severe migraine, a yeast infection, or a period of pelvic rest following childbirth. Additionally, emotional reasons can play a part in waiting; for instance, following the death of a very close friend, I wasn’t ready for a sexual encounter with my husband for a few days because I was steeped in grief. He simply held me instead (Thanks, Honey!).
Sex demonstrates relational intimacy best when two willing, fully participating spouses come together at a time when both of them can concentrate on mutual pleasure and unity. Now it would be terrific if one spouse never approached the other spouse at a bad time, and thus a refusal never occurred. But speaking from my own experience, my husband is not a mind-reader. He doesn’t always know that my head has been throbbing for three straight hours and any movement whatsoever causes a sharp pain between the eyes like an ice pick stabbing my forehead. He needs me to gently tell him that another time might be more enjoyable for us both.
Some women need to feel free enough to say, “Not tonight, honey.” BUT — and pay close to attention to this very important but — the statement should NOT end there. Suggest a better time for coming together! Something like, “Oh, baby, you know how you turn me on! But I’m afraid that if you get my engine revvin’, my migraine-inflicted head will explode and then how will you raise the kids without me? If you can hang onto that exciting thought until morning, I will ravage you like a wild beast let loose in the jungle!” Or something to that effect.
Your husband likely prefers waiting a few hours if it means that you are more fully engaged and pleasured by the experience. If you’re struggling with this concept, think of it this way. Would you rather your husband let you drone on and on in conversation, barely responding and nodding his head periodically because he has worked two straight eight-hour shifts and can hardly process your words? Or would you rather your husband ask you to wait until he gets a quick nap in and afterward cuddle up next to you, listen to your every word, and offer support for what you’re saying? Same thing. In that case, he isn’t refusing; he’s suggesting a time when he can fully be there for you.
You can say no now and then. Make those times rare and recommend a better time in the near future. Ensure your hubby that he turns you on and you desire him, and then schedule a time in the very near future to come together for your own personal party.
Remember your body belongs to three people — you, your husband, and God. Use it to honor everyone in this equation.
“It is He who made us, and we are His.” Psalm 100:3a
“I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine.” Song of Songs 6:3a