Daily Archives: December 8, 2011

A Letter to a Former Lover

I saw my “first” the other day. I’ll be honest: It rattled me. We merely traded hellos.

But you see, I am still embarrassed by my past at times (My Personal Testimony). God has given me a clean slate and blessed me with wonderful intimacy with my husband. Yet I recognize that my past choices had consequences in my life and the lives of the guys involved with me. I have wondered what I might say to a man from my past who knows way more about me than he should. Perhaps some of you can relate.


Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

Dear Former Lover,

When people ask what I would do over in life, one of my first answers is my premarital sexual history. I wish I could have a do-over for that moment when I sat in your car, kissing you and thinking somehow this time I would say no to doing more. I didn’t. I succumbed in the moment to my hormones, my physical desires, my emotions, whatever.

I had no exit strategy, no escape plan, nothing more than a pipe dream of saying “no” when it counted. You didn’t either.

I cheated myself and I cheated you out of what God desired for us sexually. When you finally met the love of your life, she wasn’t your first. My husband wasn’t my first either.

Try as we may, we cannot entirely forget the sexual experiences that preceded our marriages. I remember. You remember. And how I wish I could take all of that back!

God has forgiven me. I know that in every fiber of my being. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 has given me great hope and comfort:“Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” My past is what I was, but through Jesus Christ, not any longer. My husband and I have a beautiful intimate relationship, and I am blessed to have a fresh start and a healthy sex life.

Yet I wonder how it would have been if you and I hadn’t gone there. What if we had gone to the pizza place instead of parking in your car? What if we had watched a movie instead of making out? What if we had merely held hands and kissed? What if we had a chance to do it over again? Would we resist?

I would like to think we would. I would like to believe that we have not only aged but have gained some wisdom. I’m sorry that I was so flippant back then about your innocence, your virginity, your sexuality. The reality is that I can’t take it back, but I pray that your life has been wonderful and will continue to be. I pray that God has renewed you and your wife so that you can enjoy the fullness of His blessing of marital intimacy. And I pray that we can teach our children that — while we didn’t get it right — waiting to be intimate with your spouse is extremely hard and totally worth it.

One more thing: Thanks for the flowers. Now that was a perfectly wonderful, young love thing to do!


If you have a less-than-perfect past, what would you say to a former lover? Do you still feel guilt, embarrassment, or nervousness when you consider these relationships? Have you encountered former lovers face-to-face? What in your sexual history do you wish you could do over again?

One quick note: Stu & Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage announced the Top Marriage Blogs of 2011 List. Click HERE to see the winners. Congratulations to them all!