I admit to being nervous about publishing my Oral Sex: How To post last Thursday, which you can read HERE. However, I was blown away by the number of comments I received. Some wrote to thank me for tackling this issue head on, others to offer tips, some to share their positive story of fun fellatio, and yet others to ask really good questions, which I tried my best to answer.
I have concluded that (A) we Christians are interested in better sexual technique to improve our marital intimacy, and (B) we don’t have many resources available for learning these things.
Although Cosmopolitan magazine sits on the magazine stand at the grocery store promising “10 Creative Ways to Please Your Man” or “The Newest and Best Sexual Techniques,” plenty of us are not looking for advice from secular sources to give us the low-down on these issues. Whenever I do pick up such a magazine, turn to the story, and start reading, the article seems to focus not on finding ways to increase intimacy in marriage but on the reader getting a temporary sexual high.
I’m actually not that big on technique. Given my promiscuous, premarital sexual history (which I regret — see A Letter to a Former Lover), I can honestly say that some guys knew what they were doing more than others. Yet among those, the best sexual experience was with the guy who was a virgin when we had sex (I was a “technical virgin”). We figured it out somehow.
And trumping that experience by about a thousand percent is the sexual intimacy I have with the man with whom I have taken marriage vows, built a home, raised children, weathered ups and downs, and learned every inch of one another’s bodies over the years.
Why?
Because technique can be learned. Given the apparent desire for more such posts, I will be addressing other issues of technique in the next few months. However, setting the stage for good technique is far more important.
How’s your relationship? No matter how good a lover someone is, if you don’t have any other closeness with them, it won’t matter. It might be great sex, but it won’t be sexual intimacy. For most women in particular, you need to have trust, openness, communication, and attraction to get in the mood for sexual activity. The relationship you have with your lover is important.
How’s your attitude? If you don’t care about sexual intimacy in marriage or you have past issues clouding your ability to let go and enjoy God’s gift of sexuality, no technique tips are going to help. You must start with a willingness to seek out mutual pleasure and intimacy in the act of sex. Dealing with past hurts and misperceptions and adopting a godly perspective of sex will go a long way toward having the right attitude to engage with your spouse.
Where’s your focus? If you are just looking for a sexual high for yourself, you aren’t engaging in the intimacy God desires. Maybe you can give a great “blow job” or have a nice wave of orgasms all in row. However, the focus should be US, not simply me, in the bedroom. The purpose of doing it well is to increase the pleasure you experience together, which bonds you in those shared moments of ecstasy.
With this in mind, I wanted to share some of my favorite lines from the comments section of last week’s post. The post was basically about how to give a “blow job,” but check these out:
Danielle: it makes me feel sexy to turn my hubby on so much, and give him pleasure without expecting anything in return.
Anonymous: IÂ LOVE to love my wife sexually. She’ll frequently ask during oral why I enjoy giving it. Isn’t it truly better to give than receive? YES!! I can’t explain it, I just love it. She is totally open to me and I am giving her incredible pleasure. I could do this several times a week – freely giving it away simply because it makes my love feel so very good.
Megan of Do Not Disturb Blog: While we are young we can learn exactly what gets our man going and this will help us with a lifetime of great lovemaking. I look forward to many years of a satisfying sex life and will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.
Anonymous: We’ve been married 31 years and have always enjoyed a robust sex life (very blessed). . . . She is so sweet and understanding. . . . As far as swallowing, it’s no big deal. I don’t want her doing anything she’s uncomfortable with.
Anonymous: I spent time prior to “us time” . . . asking God to help me view this the way He intended it to be. . . . I asked God to open my mind and my heart to loving my husband in this way, and it helped a great deal that my husband never pushed me to do this.
All of these speak to making sexual technique a part of loving intimacy in marriage. That’s where the magic begins! That is why God designed sex to happen in marriage — a covenant relationship before God which can bring about personal growth, family building, and emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People come to mind. One of them is simply “First Things First,” meaning to make sure you properly prioritize. For heaven’s sake, let’s learn some great sexual techniques! However, all of that fabulous-lover knowledge must go toward building a complete sex life that fosters intimacy.
Get your groove on, for sure, but remember that God wrote the tune and it takes two-made-one to tango.
Your main points are spot on. We have to evaluate our entire relationship in terms of how sexual intimacy is the overflow of a great marriage and not an event. Thanks for the great post.
Megan
Thanks, Megan. Beautifully put: “sexual intimacy is the overflow of a great marriage and not an event.”
I totally agree. That’s why I’m thankful for your blog, and the few others like it that I’ve found recently! I love my husband and want to learn to improve in these areas, but I don’t want to feel slimed when I learn about it, like I would reading Cosmo or something. Thanks for being bold!
Thanks so much, Cat. I can feel a little “slimed” too when I read from secular sources. LOL. I’m glad to help out and will keep asking God for direction to do so.
We recently lived in a home where the previous people’s mail still arrived, including subscriptions to Cosmo and Glamour. Rather than putting it all in a pile to give to their family for later delivery my husband said he didn’t even want it in the home, and tossed it out into one of their boxes they’d left behind in the garage. It’s tempting to open them up “just to see” what’s in there, but it’s never as good as promised, and you do feel like you got “slimed” 🙂
we have been married 17 years and always thought we had a great sex life until we started trying new things, being more open to what the other wanted to try. Nothing weird, just talking about what we would like to try. Each night it gets better and better… we’re gonna kill each other! 🙂 we wanna have it more and more!
I really think this is key — that when you figure out how to have great intimacy with one another, frequency often just happens. You do want it because it’s fun and bonding! Appreciate the comment, Kris.
Always so beautifully said, J! I tend to get bored if all I blog or talk about is sex itself, for the reasons you named above. I just know that if I can help people get healed in their most intimate spaces, than the steps it took to do that spill over into all kinds of healing in the marriage, in their business and in their family – if they let it. I especially have a heart for those who have been burned in church, so my lingo sounds a bit less “Christian” sometimes, but what a privilege to touch so many lives. Keep it up, my friend!
Thanks. I don’t know what it says about me that I’m not bored yet! LOL. I do think all of these aspects (communication, relationship, sexuality, etc.) are intertwined, and working out one area can lead to good things in other areas. Thanks for all YOU do for marital intimacy, Gina!!!
Excellent follow-up post, J. My husband and I both read your post last week and were amazed at how you were able to address something so “taboo” in such a God-honoring way. You may not know until eternity how many marriages you are helping via your blog. Thank you for being willing. And blessings to you as you tackle posting about more techniques in the months to come. You are providing a rich treasure for couples to draw from.
Debi
How lovely to wake up, turn on my laptop, and find this comment in my inbox! You started my morning off beautifully, Debi. Thank you so much.
J,
You don’t need to approve this for publishing but I wanted you to know that I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I read the first paragraph – Three double entendres and an alliterative construct all in one paragraph (actually just two sentences). Truly hot, holy, and humorous!
Or maybe I’m just a dirty old man.
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Call me crazy: I approved it anyway, Ol Will. I doubt you are a “dirty old man.” I’m definitely not a dirty old man, and yes, I threw in a few double entendres for those who might be paying attention. Those who weren’t wouldn’t get it. No big deal either way.
Thanks for reading!
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