Daily Archives: March 8, 2012

Storing Your Sexy Stuff

Lucy & Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

from I Love Lucy

One of my kids came into my bedroom and was perusing my three-foot tall stack of books to be read. (I have a marvelously tenacious book habit.) Then the question came, “What is this book?!!” The title? Crazy Good Sex by Christian author, Dr. Les Parrott.

Uh-oh. Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!

Prompted by this event and a conversation with a close friend about lingerie she didn’t want her kids to discover, I decided to do a little research to see if there were storage containers with LOCKS for the super-sexy stuff that we married couples might use from time to time.

Whether it’s a a box of condoms, a pair of crotchless panties, personal lubricant, or a book called 99 Sexual Positions That Won’t Put You in Traction (And One That Will), you might want to tuck certain items away from curious kids, nosy in-laws, or probing house guests. So where do you put your sensual supplies?

Here are a few options:

PRACTICAL.

Toolbox

Pic from www.homedepot.com

Your local home improvement store will probably have a plastic tool box in stock to which you can add a padlock. These are sturdy boxes which come in various sizes and can be easily toted from place to place. Such a box is unlikely to raise suspicion if seen by others. Your hubby might appreciate the sheer functionality of this approach.

Warning: Do not label the box “Mommy & Daddy’s Sex Stuff.” You must remember on your own that this box contains oil for body massages, not creaky door hinges.

DUAL PURPOSE.

The following two were found on the Spice Up Marriage website — a Christian retailer who sold marital aids.

The ToiTissue box looks like a tissue dispenser, and it does hold up to about an inch of Kleenex. Underneath, however, there is a secret drawer in which you can store your unmentionables. As long as you don’t get a vicious cold with your mother-in-law in your house, there will be no reason for her to check the container to replace tissues and discover why her son always has that stupid grin on his face. This item appears to be unavailable now (updated 11/16).

Likewise, the Toibocks container is a jewelry box, but the compartment below is protected by a hidden lock mechanism. Not just anyone can get into this box. So underneath your valuable jewels (or costume jewelry, if you’ve got a stash of that like I do), you can tuck your intimate items away from other eyes. Just make sure you don’t grab the wrong thing as you head out the door. It might be hard to explain that garter belt as a necklace to your coworkers. Also unavailable. Sorry! (updated 11/16)

SPACIOUS.

pic from www.amishhandcrafted.com

This option is my favorite — a beautiful, functional cedar chest. Almost all cedar chests come with a lock (this one has a lock and two keys). You can get cedar chests in many sizes, varied styles, and even different types of wood (despite the name, they aren’t all cedar). They will simply appear as a pretty piece of furniture in your bedroom. Drop all of your pleasure products inside, top it with your grandmother’s old quilt, and no one will be any the wiser. If your kids insist on knowing what treats are stored in there, tell them that they are items from your childhood, each with its own “When I was a kid…” story, and they will leave it alone.

Pic from www.dormsmart.com

How about a trunk? Trunks come in many colors and styles, and almost all are lockable. A trunk can hold quite a bit of your good-times gear. Also for parents, when the little ones finally grow up and move out, you can unload the joy junk into your drawers and then pass along a perfectly good trunk for their young adult years. Just don’t tell them what used to be stored in there. Your daughter probably doesn’t want to think about her sweaters resting where your sexy nurse costume used to be.

SECURE.

Safe

By BrokenSphere via Wikimedia Commons

The most secure storage method may be a safe. After all, if experienced burglars can’t crack open this locked steel cabinet, perhaps your clever four-year-old twins will take longer than the usual five minutes they required to get past every other childproofing product you’ve installed. Floor safe or wall safe, either way you can hide your playful products and bring them out only when you and hubby have the lock’s combination and the lovers’ inclination.

SERIOUS.

Two German Shepherd Dogs

By Flickr user jn2race via Wikimedia Commons

You could always get a couple of attack dogs to guard your stuff. If you feel the need to go this route, however, not only would I not look through your stash; I don’t even want to know what’s in it.

Of course, I’m sure that someone has discovered another perfect solution and has posted the pretty picture on Pinterest. I’m still trying to figure out that social media phenomenon, so I haven’t run across it yet!

One of the lovely things about God-designed intimacy in marriage is its private nature: Husband and wife share something sexy and secret. So where do you store your bedroom goodies? Have you ever thought about keeping your intimate items hidden? Do you have any other brilliant suggestions? (Have you had to make up a story on the fly to explain some item your child accidentally discovered?)

Note: Yes, I’m new to Pinterest. You can find me HERE.