I received an excellent question from a reader about what to do if you don’t find your husband attractive. She writes:
Recently I’ve realized that I’m not attracted to my husband. I don’t think I ever was. He’s a good looking guy, but not my type of good looking. . . . I feel [guilty] and shallow, for being so upset that I don’t feel SOMETHING when he walks in the door, or when I spot him in a crowd of people.
Do you have any advice for me?
I guarantee this wife is not the only one who feels like this — missing the attraction and “chemistry” they expected to have with the man they married.
Perhaps you wed your husband for other reasons: that he was a good man, a solid Christian, a great provider, or the sort of guy you envisioned yourself marrying. Maybe you even expected the fireworks to spark after you said the I Do’s. But the vows have been repeated, the honeymoon has passed, your wedded life has begun — and this guy still doesn’t curl your pretty toes.
What do you do?
This will be a two-parter. Let’s first talk about how you can change your view of your husband and romantic chemistry.
1. Reflect on what’s great about your husband. You appreciate and enjoy what you’re grateful for. Case in point: Sometimes I wish I could do the splits, but I have never in my entire life been able to achieve that level of flexibility. But hey, I was born with a birth defect of my hips that would have caused me to be an invalid 100 years earlier. So I’m super-grateful I can walk, jump, dance, and run. In light of that, who cares about the splits? I’m too thankful for what I have to get upset about what I don’t have.
Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Maybe you could apply that kind of positive thinking to your husband, and pray to see your husband the way God does.
If you married a good guy, reflect often on what’s so great about him! Even start a gratitude journal listing 1-3 things each day that make you happy to be married to your man. By reflecting on the type of guy you do have instead of the type of guy you think you want, you might discover your husband’s type is pretty darn awesome after all. And it won’t simply be a head-thing, but rather feelings of gratefulness and happiness will build inside you at the thought of him.
Make sure to list your husband’s good physical characteristics, since that’s where you’re struggling. You may not feel attracted to them right away, but when you begin to keep track and notice what’s truly handsome about your guy, you’ll begin to appreciate it in a new way. After some time, you may find that looking into his eyes or seeing that cute dimple or watching him flex his manly muscles really does give you a little thrill.
Bonus: Keep the journal and refer to it in future years if/when you go through a tough season in life. It will give you perspective.
2. Express your positive thoughts to your husband. We have this prevalent idea that we must think and believe and feel something before we express it, but in fact the Bible, psychology, and common sense teach us otherwise. You can impact how you think, believe, and feel by doing something regularly. Yes, it’s the “fake it ’til you make it” concept. And it works.
If you compliment someone again and again and watch them light up in response to your positive words, you’ll reinforce that behavior for both of you. I’m not saying you should lie about your thoughts or feelings — simply find something positive and uplifting to say. Focus on an attractive trait of your husband and comment on it. Rinse and repeat. Often.
Read through the Song of Songs for inspiration on how married lovers can describe the beauty of their mate. For instance, not everything in this passage from Song of Songs 5 is the wife’s personal declaration of her husband being her type (only verses 10 and 16). Most of it is an inventory of objectively interesting and beautiful characteristics, expressed in positive ways.
10 My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
11 His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.
12 His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.
13 His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.
14 His arms are rods of gold
set with topaz.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with lapis lazuli.
15 His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.
16 His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved, this is my friend,
daughters of Jerusalem.
Train yourself to focus on his handsome qualities. Over time, you may find your mind and heart responding to what your mouth has expressed.
Bonus: You’ll foster his feelings of confidence and encourage him to look and be attractive to you.
3. Rethink romance. I could do a whole series on this one, but suffice it to say that the world — and oftentimes Christians — espouse that a successful marriage and satisfying intimacy requires having romantic chemistry, falling in love, feeling like he’s your soul mate, being sexually compatible. I hate to break it to you, but that’s not the view expressed in the Bible.
I’m thrilled we live in a culture where I can choose my husband, a man I loved before I said “I do,” but I’ve looked into this one again and again . . . and marriages in the Bible happened for a number of reasons — chemistry, love, family connection, alliances, physical provision. God’s Word asserts that, regardless of how you got started, you can have a holy and happy marriage! Because a good marriage involves living out godly principles. Imagine your husband loving you exactly the way 1 Corinthians 13 describes; wouldn’t that feel awesome? Start acting loving in your marriage, and the object of your affection may become a pretty attractive target.
The truth is some people seem to fall in love at first sight, others in the course of their courtship, and others after the nuptials. I have no doubt that some couples who experience arranged marriages or poor starts fall into deep love and develop real chemistry over time. I encourage you to rethink the notion that you must feel all those tingles right now. You can get there. Ask God for His divine help. He wants the best for you — including a sexy and satisfying relationship with your husband.
Bonus: You’ll know that if you ever “fall out of love,” you can rekindle those feelings again!
Next time I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of romantic “chemistry.” Before I go, let me leave you with a lyrics video of a beautiful song about how your “type” can change when you fall in love with your spouse.
Love this! Thank you and I need to do exactly as you have written! Do you have any posts on helping your husband understand your desires? For example…I long for my husband to be in charge, take charge and be manly about it in the marriage bed. Instead, I usually end up with getting into bed and having him hem and haw about it forever waiting for…what I don’t know! I try to be encouraging,initiating quite often as well, even telling him to go for it when he wants to. I am not turned on by a wimpy initiation. I want him grab me, kiss me like a house afire and then go for it. Doesn’t that seem like a simple request? I am expecting to hear that it is something I need to change but I don’t want to hurt his feelings…do I just keep initiating? I have tried to tell him these things but it seems that he continually resorts back to just half hearted attempts. He says he wants me, needs me, etc. His desire is there, and often. But I really want a strong and more masculine vibe from the way he initiates and approaches me physically.
Great question! I wrote about this some with this post: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/05/man-up-take-me-alpha-male-or-beta-hubby-3/ (Got a bit of flack at the time for “alpha male” in the title, but I stand by the ideas in the post.) Hope something here helps.
Blessings!
This is very good advice for a difficult question. I agree that where your mind goes first, your emotions generally will follow. Attraction that lasts a lifetime requires a strong foundation, much stronger than that “zingy” feeling we all enjoy! Focusing on our husbands’ positive qualities and the things we appreciate about them leads to a strong and sustained attraction over time.
What if your husband has been unfaithful and done things you find utterly detestable. You don’t trust him to be in the same room as any young adult female, especially not alone. And you even wonder about the safety of a teenage girl if left alone with him. Yet, you don’t believe that God’s best for you, your children or your husband is divorce. And you think God wants you to walk down a road of reconciliation, even though every part of you is screaming ‘walk away’. Where do you start when there isn’t a single good thing you can think of. If you met a complete stranger who had done the things he has done, you would run as far away as possible.
You need to talk to someone. Immediately. Yesterday. When you are concerned about the “safety of a teenage girl if left alone with him” and would “run away as far as possible” if you met him today, it’s time to consult a counselor, psychologist, pastor, mentor.
God’s best for you is that you and your children remain safe, and if you are concerned about such safety, you need to reach out and get wise, godly counsel. I don’t know your whole situation from this snippet, but your characterization of the circumstances is very disconcerting. Yes, I believe God wants us to remain married it at all possible and heal our broken marriages, but He is not in favor of throwing out the rest of His commands simply to preserve a marriage. I’m praying for you right now.
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I found myself a little less attracted to my husband a few months ago: we were very busy, and just hadn’t put the usual emphasis on us for a bit. I knew it was the beginning of something less than we both wanted, but didn’t really want it to have to be me to change it. This was just before valentine’s day. At the start of February, I sat down and made myself write down on slips of paper some of the rings I really like about him and some past memories. I put the slips into his work clothes for a few days. Then I had an idea to start a gratitude wall. So I began writing down the things I appreciate on sticky notes and posting them on the wall above our bed. It’s slowed down somewhat now, but he really likes seeing a new one up there. My attitude is changed from ‘just getting by’ to an attitude of service- most days. And a bonus- he does extra stuff for me now sometimes- or maybe I just notice. He is pretty amazing!
Ooh, love this! Thanks for sharing.
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Am 29yrs and husband is 41yrs but looks 50 because of ringles and grey hair.most people refer to him as my father instead dis makes feel embrassed. Our marriage is only 4yrs old though his not romantic but his a good father,faithful husband,helps out at home when he as time. I don’t feel attracted to him because of his looks. I am tinking of faceflit for him if it make him looks younger. I dont realy know what to do.
So I’m curious: If his age is such an issue, why did you choose a man with that gap in years? That’s not particularly fair to expect him to look your age when he’s not. And some of us wives find the graying hair and deeper laugh lines very attractive. I don’t think a face lift is going to solve your problem. You need to remember why you married him and regularly look for those qualities. Find it attractive that’s romantic, helps out, and is a good father. If there are issues other than age, like him dressing poorly, you can address those. But surely you wouldn’t want your man to find you unappealing when you turn 41. Maybe this post can help: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2015/05/get-turned-on-by-your-husband-again/
Tank u,i will try that.
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