Hot, Holy & Humorous

Q&A: Faking the Orgasm? It’s Time to Get Real.

Welcome back to another summer installment of Q&A with J. Today’s question is another one many wives can likely relate to. It’s about orgasm:

I need some insight. I’ve been married for almost 2 years and I’ve never had an orgasm. I have always had a very healthy view of sex. I have no history of negative sexual experiences (none at all). I feel like I get plenty relaxed and I truly enjoy it. However I have been faking it since we got married. I know I need to tell him. But how do I approach him about it and what are the chances that I ever will have an orgasm?

Faking the Orgasm? It's Time to Get Real. via Hot, Holy & Humorous

Wives, how many of you have ever faked an orgasm? Raise your hand.

Holy cannoli, that’s a lot of hands.

Sorry, men, but I suspect a lot of women have at one time or another faked an orgasm. Before you all storm the female race and decry us for being deceptive divas, most of the time the intention is a good one. If your wife has faked an orgasm, it could be because she wanted you to know how much she appreciates your efforts to bring her pleasure. It seemed only right for you to be rewarded with a show of how fabulous a lover you are.

Yes, some wives fake orgasm to “get it over with” or keep you happy, but I believe more are truly interested in sending positive signals about sexual intimacy.

I wanted to clear that up before answering this specific wife. Now here’s my advice.

Stop faking. Good intentions or no, you’re lying to your husband. Proverbs 12:19 says, Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment,” and Colossians 3:9-10 exhorts us, Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” As your question indicates, you want the kind of marriage relationship built on truth and openness.

Pretending to climax is deceptive, and it’s created this conundrum of what to do now. How do you repair the rift between what’s really happening and what your actions have made him believe? I think the first step is what our Lord often says when we’re in the midst of wrongdoing: Stop it. Just stop. Repentance has been described as stopping where you are and turning around in a different direction. And that’s what needs to happen when you’ve been lying to your husband about anything, including the orgasm. Don’t fake again.

Telling him. You say, “I know I need to tell him.” I am well aware of the admonitions that you must share everything with your spouse. But honesty doesn’t require a full airing of everything you’ve done, felt, and thought in the past. The Scripture strikes a balance between being truthful and being compassionate (see Ephesians 4:25, 29). For instance, sharing with my husband all of my premarital promiscuous past activities would be honest, but how does that build him up? What benefit does it provide?

Consider Psalm 32:5: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.” To God, we must bare ourselves entirely and seek His better way. To others, ask what telling will accomplish. Are you simply wanting to confess because it will make you feel better to get it off your chest? Would he be crushed to find out later you were faking it before? Or more crushed now to find out you’ve been faking? Will sharing your struggle bring you closer together and create a bond of in-this-together?

You might not think so at this point, but I believe the wife should fess up. Still, timing matters. Maybe she should say something now, because then hubby will be on her side in figuring out how to make the real deal happen. Some husbands would respond great to, “I’m so sorry, honey, but I’ve been faking the orgasms. I wanted you to know how much I was enjoying sex, but I shouldn’t have lied that way. I really want to have one, though, so let’s figure it out together. I really think you can get me there.”

Then again, maybe now isn’t the time. Maybe after that first amazing orgasm would be a good time to say, “I’m so sorry, honey. I was lying to you before about orgasms, faking it because I wanted you to know how wonderful you are. I always enjoyed sex, but I will never lie to you again about the orgasm. That one was real, and I loved every second of it. I really want to make that a regular part of our lovemaking.”

So tell him, yeah. But think about when, where, and how. Make sure your words are honest and uplifting. I’m not saying to avoid conversation for fear of conflict (sometimes marriage must go through conflict to reach unity on the other side), merely consider how you approach the topic and be thoroughly loving in your words.

You can orgasm. I’ve seen the statistics on women who have never experienced orgasm. So call me crazy, but short of some real physical hindrance, I think — with intention, patience, and pursuit — every wife reading this post can reach the pinnacle of passion and bellow like a banshee.

“But I haven’t!” you scream at me.

Wait, save the screams for your bedroom. I admit some ladies are orgasm magnets, and others are orgasm-challenged. (That should totally be a thing, right? Orgasm-challenged?) If you’re orgasm-challenged, it’s going to take more effort, but you’re a tough lady so you can handle it. Plus, your husband is likely willing to step up to the challenge.

You’ll need time and practice. Give yourself permission to explore how your body works, what gets you going and keeps you charged, what takes you over the edge, and how long the process requires. Let me assure you if your first orgasm takes an hour to reach, it probably won’t always take that long. You two will get better at it.

And now, here’s a bunch of information about how to orgasm:

From my site
Orgasm: If Only I Could O
3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm
But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

From Julie Sibert, Intimacy in Marriage
The Orgasm Page (with link to a bunch of posts on orgasm)

From Paul Byerly, The Generous Husband
Orgasmic Massage

What now? Regardless of how much you reveal, you need to talk to your husband. Approach him with a positive challenge to increase your pleasure in the bedroom. Explain you want to explore what turns you on, and you want to take more time to enjoy one another’s bodies.

You will likely need to become more participatory in bed — suggesting things to try, guiding his hand where it feels good, asking him to slow down or speed up or be more gentle or use more pressure.

However, your pleasure may not increase so much by specific techniques as setting the mood and fostering romance between you. Many wives get as much aroused by the lead-up to the sexual act as the sexual act itself. Spend more time touching, kissing, and fondling each other — even adding sensual massage. Use lubricant freely, since moisture affects how well our female bodies respond to touch, pressure, and friction.

Go for the clitoral orgasm first. It’s easier to achieve. Have him use direct contact with your clitoris, through manual or oral play. You don’t have to climax during intercourse for it to “count.” Anytime during the sexual encounter, a climax should be welcome — hey, given an embossed invitation and greeted heartily upon arrival.

Stop faking, start talking, get engaged, and you can — and will — orgasm. Maybe not tonight or next week or even next month. But sex isn’t ultimately about the peaks, but the whole journey. Enjoy the climb, and you’ll eventually reach the top!

34 thoughts on “Q&A: Faking the Orgasm? It’s Time to Get Real.”

  1. what great encouragement you have given. I have never faked an orgasm…it never occurred to me to do that. If I’m not feeling it, I just say, you can finish. I agree, this is a conversation that has to take place at some point. I wonder if it has to take place in order for her to actually experience the orgasm though. Not sure how she can make that happen on her own. Just a thought.

    1. Good for you. Most women I’ve asked about this admit to having faked at least once. (Yep, including me. But it was so long ago…another world.)

      Thanks, Keelie!

  2. I’ve never faked an ‘o’ because I wouldn’t know how; my husband knows I don’t have them. I do maybe ‘fake’ more enthusiasm than I really have, though it isn’t that I set out to ‘fake’, more that panting, etc. has become part of the thing for me. I’m lucky it doesn’t bother him that I don’t ‘o’. Probably due to menopause and my own natual way of being, I have maybe 2 days a year when I ‘feel sexy’. The last time I told him that it was my ‘feel sexy’ day, I had hoped to spend more time on me before spending time on him, but he charged out of the bathroom ‘ready to go’, so… Well, there’s always next year 🙂

  3. Orgasm-challenged right here! I faked for the first 3 years of our marriage because I was embarrassed I couldn’t climax like “normal” people and when I finally admitted it to him, he was like, “yeah…I know.” I wanted to die. It was a mortifying conversation, but not worse than the knowledge that he was fully aware of my fibbing all along because of major intimacy issues. Major, major. But I’m finally dealing with those. Anyway, even though it still can take FOREVER some days, I haven’t faked since that conversation. My husband has really been great about it, too. He’s such a trooper. He’s had arms and legs fall asleep and/or cramp up several times, but he soldiers on until I’m happy. For REAL happy. Good man, that one, LOL!

    1. Good point. Some guys can totally tell. And yay for your hubby…and for you…getting it straightened out! Thanks for sharing your story.

  4. “normal people” – well if you need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm you are exactly that – a normal woman….that’s reality for 60%-70% of women, the lucky few who orgasm from intercourse usually achieve it female on top using his penis or pubic bone for pressure on the clitoris…very few women get enough clitoral stimulation from intercourse in any other way, but a small few do….so what again is your definition of “normal”???

    1. Haha, right?! I know! I guess in my mind, most women were having orgasms during sex (I still can’t from intercourse – not one of the lucky ones…le sigh), while I was just chillin’ on the sidelines soakin’ up the soul tie.? Now I know better.

  5. From the perspective of a husband whose wife faked for 15-20 years because she felt (rightfully or not) like my “whore”, I make this suggestion. Stop faking … to a point. But don’t tell him … if it only suits you. (More about telling below).

    In other words, if you simply stop, he’s going to wonder what’s going on. Keep up the faking with this little tidbit in mind: learn what makes you cum and do your best to work it into your lovemaking.

    My wife of over 30 years, had not masturbated until about 6-9 months ago. I literally had to make her do it. When she did, she was shocked to discover she had an orgasm within 3 minutes. Her problem was she didn’t know what made herself feel good.

    Why not tell? I felt betrayed. Her reasons for faking and telling me were pure. She faked to make me feel happy. She told me because she wanted to stop being dishonest. She told me during a session with our marriage counseling.

    That was nearly a year ago. I still have erectile issues I never had before that night. I have started taking Viagra because my confidence has been thrashed by her honesty. No matter how much she may enjoy sex now, I don’t know if what I’m seeing and hearing is real.

    Had she asked the counsellor, I hope she would have advised her as I did; take some time alone, learn what makes it happen, incorporate it into your lovemaking, and fake it til you make it. At least that type of faking would have a positive end result.

    1. I simply cannot condone deception, even with good purposes. I understand not revealing everything, and it sounds like the way it was revealed to you was very hurtful, but continuing to fake is dishonest.

      Thanks for sharing your story. I think it does illustrate that dumping all the brutal truth on someone may not be the kindest way to go. (I really expected pushback on that point, but I haven’t gotten it.) I think maybe it’s time for you to be honest with your wife about your struggles and how deeply hurt you were by her deception. You could also talk about how you need to rebuild trust and receive her continued assurance that these orgasms are the real deal.

      1. Your advice to be honest, I believe, works best for women who struggle to have orgasms. I mentioned how multi-orgasmic my wife was for 15 years. At some point, she stopped enjoying sex and pretended otherwise. BIG difference between “Honey, I need help” and “Honey, I’ve been lying to get it over with because I didn’t enjoy it”. I can’t think of any time being the right time to say something like that to the person you’re supposed to be in love with.

        It wasn’t revealed to me in a brutal fashion. In fact, when she told me, I was relieved. She led up the big reveal in such a way that I thought she was going to tell me she had an affair or worse. She was shocked that I took it so well.

        It took a few days to sink in. When it did, I was devastated. I felt unloved and unworthy. I felt betrayed. I felt anger and hurt. A year later and I’m almost certain that my marriage is close to over. I have lost a level of respect and trust in her.

        I don’t necessarily disagree with you on deception. However, you made the point of “who does it serve”? Her telling me certainly didn’t serve me. It was her letting her guilt get the best of her. Her decision to stop faking didn’t serve me. Had she really thought it through, she would have tried to figure out on her own how to solve it, while still doing what she was doing, but dialing it down a bit.

        Once she told me, she stopped faking. When we made love, she was not the woman I had spent 30 years making love to. She lay there, with no passion, no emotion, no … nothing.

        When we talked about it, she simply told me that her faking was done and that I needed to get used to it. I lost most interest in sex. So she started making the right sounds at the right times but no faking the orgasm. I knew her moans weren’t real so it didn’t help when she did. For over a year now, when we make love, I feel like I’m simply using her body to masturbate.

        Now she gets angry at me because I won’t initiate. I won’t initiate because I don’t trust her reactions. I can’t get an erection because I don’t believe she has any desire for me. When I do get an erection, It’s fleeting. It lasts 10 minutes or so then dies. Her honesty and lack of deception has nearly killed our marriage.

        I love your blog and I’m glad you brought this up … but I thought my marriage was strong and could endure anything. I hope I’m wrong but I don’t think it’s going to last. I’m devastated to say that. She’s my soulmate, my everything, and I can’t trust her anymore.

  6. I think K has a point. I wonder how many women fake Os because they believe they should have them during intercourse (after all, that’s the way it works in movies). In 2+ decades, my wife has never had an O during intercourse (perhaps, in part, because i climax too quickly), but she *always* climaxes with direct clitoral stimulation (manual or oral). We’re okay with the rhythm we have found and thoroughly enjoy each other without the pressure of having to mimic some unrealistic Hollywood image.

  7. But you can orgasm during intercourse, there’s a lot of ways to get fingers where they need to be during intercourse if that’s what you want, I think for many women that’s the ticket.

    1. Sure you can. But often when a wife is struggling to get there, focusing on the clitoral orgasm first can help. Thanks, K!

  8. I think that Christian wives need to know it is okay not to O. They still can enjoy intimacy with their husbands. For a variety a medical reasons, my darling wife has never been able to O in 35 years of marriage. We are both okay with this and still enjoy our time together.

  9. Aside from those with extreme medical conditions, most women I know would not agree that “Christian wives need to know it is okay not to O.” Would most men agree that “Christian husbands need to know it is okay not to O?” Orgasm is not a male privilege, and notions like that hinder real intimacy in marriage.

    1. Actually, I wrote a bit on this. I think orgasm should be pursued for wives generally, but here’s Why I Sometimes Don’t Care about the Orgasm?

      I don’t think this husband was saying it’s a male privilege. I wholeheartedly agree it should be a priority to seek that peak for a wife, but climax for either partner isn’t the main focus of sexual intimacy in marriage. Thanks, M!

    2. M,
      I have to agree with you. I know I would not be happy with sex if I never, ever had an orgasm. It took a long time for me to get to where I could orgasm and although my husband was all about helping me get there he would often comment about how women didn’t always need to orgasm to enjoy sex. One time when he made the comment I broke down and said, “yeah, easy for you to say when you have one every time.”

      To me, our culture has brought this upon women because we so often hear how women don’t need an orgasm to be satisfied. And yet I doubt there is one man out there that would say that about themselves. Maybe orgasm should not be the ultimate ‘goal’ of sex, but I certainly am left feeling way more satisfied after making love when I too get that fantastic release. But for us, we only have one to two days weekly for sex because of my husband’s work hours so perhaps if we had sex several times a week it wouldn’t be that important to me to O every single time.

      1. Yep, I think that last sentence is key, Amy. If you get plenty, it’s not that big a deal to miss one. If you don’t have them and/or your husband blows it off, you really do deserve to chase that “O.” Because it definitely makes the sex, well, sexier. 😉

        1. According to my wife, she along with many of her Christian friends have little desire for sex. They have sex because their husbands like it. Yes, my wife came from a very conservative Christian background and is happy about our frequency (once every 3-6 weeks). Along with her medical issues, I believe that these factors affect her desire to O. Being “with her husband” is the most important thing.

          1. It’s interesting that our understand of female sexuality has been deepening lately. More and more, we’re seeing (in research and reports) that women tend to have less desire for sex; however, they can engage in sex, become aroused, and enjoy the experience a great deal. My point being that an independent desire for lovemaking may not be a good indication of whether a wife can experience and delight in sexual intimacy with her husband.

  10. J,

    The Christian in me agrees deception is never the way. But the person who makes a living repairing other people’s lives would tend to agree more with your balancing point, and my knowledge of how men respond…. and men take sex issues really hard, really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, HARD. So if it doesn’t build him up or uplift him, should you even say it? Usually not. But you have lied and been deceptive about a very intimate and important part of your marriage relationship, which is the most important one you have on earth, that isn’t with God. So if you do tell and he doesn’t already know or even if he does you need to own it completely. So my answer is probably yes tell him, but only in a way that is very controlled and compassionate and certainly NOT in a way that is confrontational or blaming or could possibly even be perceived that way by your husband. If you think he even remotely will react badly you should gradually work into it. Don’t drop a bomb on him that could break him or his trust in you, quite possibly forever.

    To that point because it may affect him anyway you do it:
    Men equate sex with love & they equate their bedroom proficiency as part of their fundamental maleness, just as they do their body parts and their ejaculate, things which a wife would probably never want to reject unless she wants to openly reject her husband. So I would say, truth is desirable but when it comes to men and sexual issues it can cause a lot of psychological damage and destroy trust, which can take a long time if ever to rebuild. I would urge a lot of prayer and a look into how your husband feels about sex, because the brutal honest truth could be pretty damaging to him…I’ve seen PTSD symptoms, cheating (if he can’t please you he may try another woman), destroyed lives and trust, depression, lost jobs, substance abuse, all over sex…….. it can really mess men up….and you and your marriage along with it…..married heat is an example I see more often than I care too, a broken man who needs prayer and much healing.

    Honesty is wonderful, but how you approach this could break your husband, depending on how the couple is about sex and how important it is in conveying feelings in the marriage relationship. Say a couple that has sex more than they talk, or she uses sex as a comfort to him, he would be pretty vulnerable and recoil if not retreat. He might just need time, but you need to pursue him. Counseling with the words of God or the modern clinical theories might help, but some things just take a lot of determined effort and work to fix. I would encourage women never to fake but handle it gently if you ever do or are, and decide to be honest with him.

    1. I totally get what you’re saying, and you make some wonderful points.

      However, I winced at the responsibility you’re placing on wives: “…how you approach this could break your husband”? Is she really responsible for all of that, including him choosing to cheat, if she unwittingly mishandles how she reveals truth? That seems too much of a burden to place on her.

      Yet I absolutely agree wives should be careful and loving in their approach. And ideally, the truth shouldn’t come across as brutal to the man she loves.

      1. As the two become one, we become responsible to some degree for each other, while remaining responsible for ourselves. I certainly can’t blame my wife for my sins and failings; they are truly mine. But, the more she loves, respects and supports me, the fewer sins and failings I will have. The same is true for her. She is responsible for her own choices, but my love, cherishing and support will go far in helping her make right choices.

      2. Well probably a little rushed in writing, if that was implied, and the intent was only to place responsibility on the wife for her own indiscretion, it was written more as a warning to her on how to bring it out so she would not end up having to see someone like me with her husband in a month or ever.

        But yes without exceptional circumstances, the responsibility for the act lies on the offender in this case the question regards a wife who has misled, lied, or been deceitful, I’m not sure how you categorize “faking an orgasm” matters, if not handled gently the result is probably a damaged marriage relationship. Because the offended is a male husband and it involves marital sex, she needs to approach it more sensitively than she might something else. You treat it much more lightly than I would, but that’s probably because I have had to help repair far too many broken marriages.

        But this question truly is no different than any other marital deceit except it is longstanding and involves sex which automatically makes it potentially far more damaging and sensitive in nature to address and remedy. Any type of deceptive act in marriage can create a lot of problems. She is only responsible for her for her own sins and faults not his. But you treat this much lighter than it probably should be. I have seen what to me seems silly, absolutely ruin relationships and patching them back together is much harder than never having to get involved. So gently in all things.

        1. It sounds like we agree far more than disagree! However, I don’t think I treat this “lighter than it probably should be.” My experience in dealing with flailing marriages is many spouses get mired down by making something way bigger than it needs to be. Yes, some things are truly huge (e.g., adultery), but it can help to keep things in perspective and realize you really can deal with many problems if you don’t blow them up into bigger mountains than they really are.

          Maybe that’s a different angle of perspective.

      3. Yes, spouses have a responsibility to each other. I will hold her responsible for how I lost trust in her. I will NEVER cheat on her. I will leave and divorce her if I can’t regain trust.

        To be clear, I don’t take divorce lightly. My parents fought through 56 years of dysfunction so for me to give up on my marriage is a HUGE deal to me. I also have 5 kids. I take their well being into consideration. My youngest, however, is 20 so I’ve done my fatherly duties to raise my kids into adulthood.

        I said this in my first comment, I’m not the perfect husband. Far from it. She’s had ample reasons to leave me. We’ve always worked things out. She seems unwilling to solve our sexual issues now that she has removed her guilt for faking. I don’t know if I can deal with it any longer.

    2. I just replied to my earlier comment so I won’t go into all of it again. I will say you’ve nailed it. Honesty can be brutal no matter how much sugar coating one can sprinkle on.

      My marriage may be declining because 1) my wife was honest, and 2) she stopped faking completely.

      Personally, I don’t think I had any reason to know. I also believe she had a responsibility to fix her issues either with counselling, or asking me to try different things.

      She hasn’t done counselling and I’ve been the one getting her to try new things. I feel like I’m the only one sexually invested in our marriage. It’s very painful.

      Anyway, your comment is the first I’ve seen here that shows a higher understanding of the male sexual mind. Thank you.

  11. Hhmmm…. I don’t mean to scare the question asker, but I don’t agree with your advice about waiting until the first real one. I mean, I get timing is important (maybe not on a day he had a tough time at work) but here’s the thing: I’ve been married for almost 11 years and never had one. Not saying it will take her that long, but what if it takes her 6 months, a year or God-forbid more. Should she wait that long? No, that doesn’t seem wise.
    It won’t be easy for him to hear, but she can’t expect it to happen soon. I hope it does, I hope your advice works, but there are no guarantees.

  12. Thanks for the pushback on the comment from Anonymous who said basically that if women don’t orgasm it’s not that big of a deal.
    I read another Christian blog dealing with issues of sexuality and intimacy and she shared a book a year or so ago entitled “She Comes First” which is instructional in nature written for primarily for men to help their wives achieve orgasm. The book is not a Christian book but I think it can be a helpful resource.

    I think part of the problem is that many women don’t know what turns them on and I think pressure can be put on their husband innocently enough to “give them an orgasm.” I think they need the freedom to explore their own bodies to learn what type of touch and stimulation they need.

    I think husbands would do well to really study their wives in this area and TOGETHER they can lean the ways to help her orgasm.

    As an aside, I wonder if women become disinterested in sex in part because they don’t experience the deep pleasure and connection that comes from their husbands HELPING them achieve orgasm? If a husband sees his pleasure as primary and the wife is constantly “left hanging” what impact does this have over the long haul?

  13. IntimacySeeker

    I would bet some women fake or don’t or won’t because they fear intimacy. The closer they are to their husbands, the greater the possibility of deep emotional pain. They associate sex with abandonment and grief, and they see distancing themselves as a safety precaution.

  14. Before DH and I got married, he asked me to promise never to fake an orgasm, and I did (i.e., did promise). And I have kept my promise, and have never faked. It was a wonderful idea on his part–I don’t know if I would have faked or not without this promise–had never really given it thought since at the time we discussed it I had had few opportunities to fake or not (though regrettably during our engagement there were some opportunities). I would like to think that I wouldn’t have, but I can’t say for sure. But with the promise in place, I feel free to tell him when for whatever reason it’s just not going to happen and he’s OK with that, and he knows that when I do orgasm it’s always a genuine experience. It is a great way to not only build trust and improve communication. Thankfully I orgasm very easily so it isn’t often an issue–I wonder if it is a bigger problem with couples when the woman doesn’t orgasm as easily or often.

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