Hot, Holy & Humorous

Q&A with J: Why Doesn’t He Want Sex?

My inbox currently has several messages with the same theme — a wife longing for her husband to desire sexual intimacy as much as she does. It seems to be increasingly common. Here’s a sample of what these wives say:

#1 – Please can you help me with learning how to cope with my husband who has been telling me “no” to sex? Can you tell me how I can understand why he acts uninterested and says he is tired? I know this is common now. Wives having the higher drive. . . . It seems the tables have slowly turned and now I am the one who has to seduce him and initiate sex. I just want to feel wanted and loved.

#2 – When we got married, I was a little taken back by his lack of interest in intimacy. . . . I avoid talking to him about our sex life because it only frustrates him and he says “I just don’t know what’s wrong!” I understand this is completely out of our control, so I try to dismiss it and not let him know it bothers me. It brings up feelings of rejection when I “make a move”  and he isn’t in the mood, it brings up insecurities and feelings of being unattractive.

#3 – I honestly don’t know if we’d ever have sex if i didn’t initiate it. Still to this day, I almost always have to initiate. And it drives me crazy! Thankfully, your blog has helped me learn how to communicate a little better how i feel and what i want. But i feel like we have the same conversation over and over again. I have told him that I need him to initiate more often, and he’ll do it like once but then if I don’t do it the next time I feel like it would be forever before we’d do it again. I try to wait and let him initiate but then he doesn’t and i am just left feeling disappointed.

#4 – I am by far the higher drive spouse, and it has caused some strain in our sex life. . . . usually whenever I initiate anything it just makes everything worse because I end up crying too much (I know, it’s bad) and he ends up so stressed about it that he wants it even less. So, can I just adapt to his timetable and suck it up or would it be a bad idea to suppress myself?

I’ll deal with each of these specific emails in the future, but I wanted to cover the subject as a whole of why doesn’t he want sex?

Q&A with J: Why Doesn't He Want Sex

If you’re like me, and 99% of other women, you grew up believing that men wanted sex. Like really, really, really wanted sex. They craved it like a parched man in the middle of the Sahara desert.

Many of us had personal experience to back up this notion: Guys scanning you inappropriately, making suggestive comments, hitting on you, even pressuring for sex.

Even most Christian resources about sex emphasize the husband’s biological need and emotional desire for sex.

So when a wife gets married and her husband’s just not that into sex, she can find herself feeling the sting of rejectionwondering what’s wrong with him, wondering what’s wrong with her, dealing day after day, night after night with disappointment. Why doesn’t he want sex? And, more importantly, why doesn’t he want sex with her?

Let’s lay out some options for why he isn’t interested. Because I agree this is happening in marriages more and more.

Physical issues. Like low-drive wives, low-drive husbands might be facing physical issues that prevent their bodies from responding as they should. Some of the common culprits include low testosterone, depression, diabetes, and obesity. This is why the first step I typically recommend is seeing a doctor and discussing libido. It’s not going to do much good to request a lot more sex when his body simply won’t cooperate.

What’s particularly difficult for the male side of low libido is the stigma many men attach to seeing a doctor and/or admitting their low sex drive. But if you can get him to recognize the problem could be physical and easily resolved, he might get on board.

Pornography. The prevalence is porn seems to be a primary reason why many husbands are less engaged sexually in their marriages. It’s not that men suddenly want to look at naked women; rather, it took a lot more effort to do so in the past, and now it’s a couple of clicks on your phone or your computer . . . and you’re there. Now the greater effort is not seeking porn, but avoiding it.

Now the greater effort is not seeking porn, but avoiding it. #marriage Click To Tweet

Viewing porn retrains your brain to respond to imagery rather than experience. It’s also quicker and easier to achieve climax with your own hand. Unfortunately, this means there are too many husbands who learned sexual arousal through images and masturbation. Some continue this practice in marriage, but even those who don’t may feel like sex in marriage is a bit of a letdown — because they were wired for it to look and feel more like porn.

How do you combat the porn effect? The biblical prescription for change includes confession, remorse, requesting Divine help, repentance (changing direction), and adopting positive thoughts and actions. (See Psalm 51 for a great example — when David repented of his sexual sin). That means admitting the porn has had a negative effect, committing to no more porn, asking for God’s help, retraining your brain to the better habits of true sexual intimacy, and having accountability. (The accountability part is also in Psalm 51, at the beginning when it says Nathan confronted David.) It can take some time to turn things around, but husbands who have shed the porn trap and sought true sexual intimacy in marriage have no regrets — they know the superiority of God’s design for sex.

Stress. Since I started writing about higher-drive wives, I’ve decided this is actually a big part of the problem for low-drive husbands. It’s not that we have so much more stress now in our world. We just don’t have the same outlets men have historically had. Whether we gals understand it or not, men are built to engage the world in a physical, vigorous, adventurous way. Sure, these are stereotypes, and there are exceptions, but there’s some deep-down truth to it. Just ask a bunch of moms who’ve raised boys, and we’ll attest that even young boys tend toward more roughness and physicality.

Now put all those guys in schools or homes or workplaces with little opportunity to move around in big, hearty ways. How are men supposed to release their pent-up stress?  You’d think they might engage in the physicality of sex. But there’s effort and gentleness required in marital sex that many of today’s men don’t have the capacity to give. The stress simply wears them down. Frustration and fatigue set in. They might even turn to virtual ways of relieving stress, like shooter video games.

The lack of physical activity also affects testosterone levels (see physical issues above). Many societies simply don’t require husbands to exert the physical activity that would release his stress and fuel his masculinity. What’s the answer? Regular exercise is a start. Looking for ways to support his adventurousness might help. Little by little, increase the opportunities for him to flex his physicality.

Wives are freer to want sex. Here’s the last thing I want to point out: Some of the shift in drive is attributable to women feeling freer in our society to express their sexuality. In many eras and cultures, the standard message was not only that men wanted sex more, but that women weren’t supposed to want it all that much — certainly not good women. Thus, many women suppressed their sex drive, consciously or unconsciously. When she didn’t want it so much, he obviously wanted it more.

The new paradigm is that women want sex too. It’s refreshing that wives can express their sexuality more fully, although sometimes we’re drawn into bad messages about sex as well — like the Fifty Shades phenomenon. But no longer do many women feel “slutty” for having strong sexual desires; rather, they see it part of their natural physiology. When these women get married, they’re eager to finally have a place where they can fulfill their sexual longings.

And maybe some of those expectations are not realistic. For instance, these wives often expect a sexual happily-ever-after based on romance stories they’ve read or seen. Real-world sex in marriage is far better in the long run, but it does take some effort. Flex your sex muscle, sure, but recognize that there are two people involved in this relationship, and that means it won’t always be perfectly synchronized.

Like I said, I’ll deal with these wives’ specific questions later, but I wanted to clear up some reasons why I believe more and more marriages have higher-drive wives and lower-drive husbands.

Do you have any reasons to add? Do you have any wisdom on what has worked in your marriage to resolve the sex drive difference?

33 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Why Doesn’t He Want Sex?”

  1. 5. Fear of getting her pregnant. My hubby said no because he was afraid I would get pregnant (again). Our frequency soared after he got (and healed from) his vasectomy.

    6. This goes hand in hand with the porn, it seems, but he said no because “it was too much work” to get me to climax. Porn and movies show women not needing foreplay and climaxing easily from intercourse and even from just servicing men with no regard for herself. It’s a real downer for some guys to realize that all that pleasure in real life actually requires work and effort on his part for her. Some choose to simply masturbate, instead.

  2. We haven’t resolved our drive differences. It’s pretty much his timetable, and his alone.

    One thing I suspect, though I have no confirmation, is that promiscuity can play a role, too. My husband had a lot — a LOT — of sexual partners before he met me. I think he associates a certain disposibility with sex, like you hit it and quit it. And I think he also thinks of sex as “dirty” and I’m his wife and obviously not dirty … but that also means he doesn’t associate sex with me. (Madonna / whore complex.)

    1. absolutely the same with us. I am lucky enough to say I am the love of his life. he adores me like some sort of goddess (for example, he never talks to me without respect. ever. not even when I’m shouting at him for no apparent reason at all) and this is one of the reasons he rarely wants to get ‘dirty’ with me. ( I would totally trade this for some more sweet lovemanking, but nobody has really asked what I wanted…)

      I think another reason can be their anxiety of not being a good lover, not being able to please their wives wholly. like, you are always complainig about your sex life, and he can’t really tell if the quality is also a problem, and not just the quantity (own experience again)

  3. First let me say that I truly appreciate your blog. You have some solid wisdom here for married couples both biblically and practically.

    One thing I can’t help but notice though is that most of your articles tend to focus on the women’s side of things like the article above. Obviously you’re a woman, so you will identify with women and better relate to them and their experiences, but have you ever considered getting a man to co-write this blog with you? (perhaps your husband? It could be a bonding experience for you two).

    Take the article above for example. What about a husband like myself who has a low drive wife? There’s not really much I can take away from this article. Now granted, this is a gender-specific article, but it would be nice to have articles like the one above written towards both genders in scenarios like the one mentioned above.

    As a male reader, often times it doesn’t seem like there is much for me to take away from the articles I read on here, and some times it actually seems like there is much more “finger pointing” at men as for why things might be going wrong in a marriage than there is at women on this blog (I would certainly hope this isn’t the intent).

    Just some things to think about (not trying to attack you in any way, just simply some things I’ve noticed and ways I think you could improve on them).

    God bless and keep up the good work!

    1. Interesting. Because I’ve heard from husbands who think I represent them reasonably well. After all, I’m very sex-positive and tell wives very often to participate fully in the sexual experience. No, my husband won’t be co-writing my blog — it’s not his gift. And I would not feel comfortable asking another man to do that.

      However, I’m happy to consider more posts aimed at lower-drive wives. For some reason, I seem to hear from many higher-drive wives, though. The Monday Q&A is all about answering what’s in my inbox…and currently this is what’s in my inbox.

      Thanks so much for your input! I’m sorry things are not better in your marriage. I pray that they improve!

      1. Just as affirmation, my perception is that the majority of your posts are directed at lower drive wives. That’s how I found your blog in the first place.

  4. One reason for my refusal of my bride is that sex is just another thing to check off her to do list. It often is rushed and very little time is spent relaxing and enjoying one another. So if it seems like she is interested simply so she can say later that we had sex… Sorry dear not interested. When you have a little time to focus on us, giving up on the kids, our crazy work schedules and all the other things on the list, please come see me. I’ll be waiting with 3 hours of my time devoted to you and you alone.

    1. Really? Three hours? Every time? That’s 9 to midnight, man! I’m pretty high-drive and even I think that’s excessive — I’d rather be asleep for two of those hours. An hour of sex and two hours of sleep, at least in my case, is going to make for a much happier, more contented wife. I’m no expert, but I think you should at least consider the notion that during a season with kids and work, it’s going to be really difficult to set aside three hours for ANYTHING, and give your wife a little grace. Plenty of husbands would love to be in your shoes with a wife who is offering sex as something important enough even to PUT ON her mental to-do list. She’s at least trying not to deprive you. That’s something to be grateful for, not look down your nose about because it’s not up to your standards, you know?

      1. The 3 hours would refer to all the relationship capital that goes into an evening that results in a positive sexual experience. It requires us to both put our attention on each other not the kids, craft projects, our electronic devices, but simply being with each other. It often takes over an hour just to unwind.

          1. You are right, but if it is going through the motions so that actual connection doesn’t happen. It feels cold and distant. Then to have the conversation turn toward that I shouldn’t complain about our physical intimacy. I miss my wife, not sex. I would rather spend more time and have less frequent, but more meaningful encounters.

  5. This goes along with the porn use but I’d like to expand on it. Many men who have used porn for years are addicted. My husband is such a man but he never saw himself as addicted until he ended up having another affair while we were in counseling from his first series of affairs. I discovered those as the same time. This last one he fessed up to because he finally hit rock bottom. All the counseling, the being told how damaging porn is, the knowing how much it hurt me didn’t do a bit of good. He had to come to he realization on his own that porn was destroying him and our marriage. He is now in sexaholics anonymous and finally getting the healing he (and I) need. I think that advice you give to help men battling porn is a great start and maybe all that is needed for some. But for most men, who have been using porn for years it simply isn’t enough. They need so much more than that. They need to see that they aren’t alone. My husband came back from his first SA meeting telling me he so someone from our church. I asked him how that made him feel, he response was relieved. He realized that he wasn’t alone, that others he knew feel into porn and some even affairs. Now he had met six others, all we either currently or did go to church with. Porn use and affairs are so much more wide spread than Christians want to admit but it’s there and we need to tackle it head on. Our husbands need more help than we can provide, they need he support of men who fight the same battle and understand the scars it leaves. A year of counseling didn’t do as much for our marriage as a month of SA meetings.

    1. On the porn issue, I would just comment (as a man) that, ladies, you may unwittingly be your husband’s primary porn provider. If you receive a Victoria’s Secret catalog in the mail, or the two of you watch Dancing with the Stars every Monday, or even a highly romantic chick flick on Lifetime, you are giving your husband plenty of eye candy to stimulate his loins, especially if you do so while wearing old flannel pjs. My wife used to watch a TV show on the Family channel (it has long since been canceled) that included 2-3 early twenty-something makeout scenes every episode. As my wife generally doesn’t enjoy passionate kissing, I finally told her it was too difficult for me to see that every week. So I stopped watching it with her. In short, not all porn consists of naked bodies on sleazy websites. The attraction of porn to men is not in large naked breasts; its attraction is found in watching women who enjoy being looked at and enjoy sex. A small breasted, fully clothed woman enjoying a passionate kiss is all the “porn” I need. J is right; today’s challenge is trying to avoid it.

      1. Ooh, this made me cringe. You have some excellent points about helping your husband keep his gaze pure, but I felt very uncomfortable with “you may…be your husband’s primary porn provider.” Since he’s a grown-up, ultimately he has to make the decisions about what he will put before his eyes (see Job 31:1).

        I do hope that more husbands will do what you did and speak up when imagery is difficult for them. I suspect many wives, and generally women, are unaware of what these pictures do for many men.


        1. J,

          You’re absolutely right; we men are 100% responsible for what we choose to look at. Not for a second was I trying to shift blame or responsibility to wives for their men’s viewing choices. But, my wife is my helper in life, and she helps me by not bringing Victoria’s Secret catalogs into the house. She helps me by respecting my confession that her “teenage makeout TV show” was hard for me to watch. By helping me avoid the temptation, she has shown me a lot of love and respect.

  6. I have what seems to me, based on what I read on your blog and others, an unusual situation. I’m not a high-drive person by a long shot, but even though we have sex about three times a week or more, in a year and a half of marriage he has initiated maybe twice. What happens is that I like to be physically close to him, and this (cuddling, stroking) generally gets him started. I’ve mentioned to him that I’d like him to start it sometimes, I’ve reminisced about the time he did and how much I liked it, and I’ve even asked him, does he actually want to do it, or am I just getting him worked up so that he ‘has to’. He says he ‘always wants to’. He did tell me that his late wife always initiated because she had some health issues and he didn’t want to initiate in case it was a bad time for her. I am healthy and he should have a good idea by now that I’m willing… It puzzles me, but isn’t a problem. I’ve sometimes wondered, if I didn’t initate, when and how he would do so.

    1. My hubby and I have pretty much, after years and a few fights, come to the point where sex just sort of happens. We are at the point where it is a default YES during certain times unless one of us says no. Although, like you, I do love it when he gets things started (beyond just thrusting against me or pulling me on top of him). I clearly stated to him that my answer is yes unless I say no, which I never have, so he doesn’t have to worry about rejection, but there may be times he has to work a little harder to wake me up or warm me up to it. Giving him a guaranteed yes has made it easier for him to initiate. He says the same, “I always want sex,” but being a chronically ill middle aged man with a high intensity job, his “want to” doesn’t always translate to “able to.”

      My suggestion to you is to point blank tell him that you really want him to initiate. Tell him that you are not going to initiate sex with him until he does (say it like a coy sexy challenge rather than an ultimatum). Let him know that the answer is already yes and you really look forward to whatever way he chooses to initiate. Tell him that you may seem cold because you might not cuddle as much, but the truth is you’re just waiting for him to reach out to you instead of the other way around. Leave the ball in his court and be gracious and welcoming no matter how he initiates. It may be something soft and romantic, subtle. It may be aggressive, forceful, even just a quickie that leaves you unsatisfied yourself. It’s going to take some trial and error, some learning, but keep it positive and keep it moving forward.

    2. SomeOneElsesBigGuy

      Men can fall into the same trap that women do regarding low desire. What is described here to me is a man who is afraid to own his own sexuality out of “goodness” to his wife. The problem is, she doesn’t perceive it as goodness.

      Christian men in particular can fall prey to this lovely little problem and when they do they habituate themselves into a passive role. The problem is, barring a major physical problem, they are likely suppressing their drive and that usually entails remaining emotionally distant.

      I don’t know your situation, but I can see the following happening: 1) late wife has illness, he out of a desire for goodness, limits his initiations 2) he has a bit of resentment/loneliness/emotional distance that makes him afraid to ask for anything more in fear of being turned down 3) this habit of doing “good” carries over to you.

      No one, including me, would argue that it is not right and proper to respect the physical situation of a spouse. The problem is this transcends that situation because the method of dealing with it and the subsequent emotional baggage outweighs the original goodness. I can tell you from my experience that when you do this long enough and NOT from a point of pure love (even with the best of intentions), you develop habits of emotionally distancing yourself and a rejection hurts more and more…and more. Even in the context of “good”, it hurts because of the mental state a guy can get himself into. Not saying it is right, just saying most of us are practicing loving, not at a point where we have a pure love, so we fall a bit short most of the time.

      If your husband is practicing “goodness” by not initiating, maybe you had best find a way to tell him that it is not received with goodness and some work on both your parts would be necessary. When a guy reaches this point, I am not sure it is much different than a woman who deals with some forms of low desire….work is needed, and it will not be easy because it requires him to expose himself emotionally.

    3. L.L.

      You wonder what your husband’s initiation would be like if he initiated. I imagine he does as well. We men are terrified of failure, especially sexual failure. We’re terrified of doing it wrong, and we’ve read and heard from enough women (in books, blogs, etc.) to know that its very easy for us to do it wrong. We can be too direct, too fast, too slow, too rough, too gentle (before I was married, I had two girlfriends complain that my kisses were too gentle; my wife complains that they’re too passionate), not verbal enough, too verbal. If I’ve learned one thing from reading J’s blog, it’s that every human being is different and what one woman craves another woman recoils from. And, people change over time so that what worked a few years ago doesn’t work today. We guys often feel like we’re constantly trying to read our wives and constantly getting it wrong. Right now, he’s in a very comfortable place. He wants it all the time (I fully believe he does). You make love three times a week (yippee!!!!) and he has absolutely no fear of initiating wrong or wondering if you’re in the mood. I really like Libl’s suggestion to tell your husband that you’d like him to initiate *and* that you will always say “yes.” If I could add one other suggestion, it would be that you reassure him verbally that, no matter how he initiates, he can’t do it wrong.

      1. By the way, this is also why I constantly tell wives to stop expecting their husbands to read their minds and speak up already! So much confusion could be avoided if we spouses would speak with truth and kindness when it comes to sexual intimacy. And then have more of it. 😉

  7. It’s interesting to me that in the sexual satisfaction survey I did, which represented 450 couples. 37% of wives claimed to be the higher drive spouse. However, only 3% of husbands admitted to being a lower drive spouse. I attribute at least some of the mis-match to low drive men feeling shame at not measuring up to the sex-crazed stereotype. Either they didn’t want to admit to being lower drive or didn’t want to take a sexual satisfaction survey. There was a similar mis-match in answers over who initiates sex more often, though to a lesser degree. I’ve published the results of my survey which folks can get free from Noisetrade if they are interested.

  8. I consider a higher drive wife but my situation is a little different than just about my hubby having a lower drive. His lower desire for sex stems from extremely long weekly work hours (up at 1am, home by 5pm and in bed by 7pm) and having age and med related ED. It’s not that he doesn’t desire me, and I’ve had to really change my thinking on this and not allow myself to start wallowing in self pity, but he truly just does not desire or perhaps not need sex as often as some men.
    When we do make love it’s always amazing, I just wished it happened more often or that he at least let me know he desires me more even if sex isn’t possible.

    And that I believe becomes one of the biggest obstacles in a marriage where one spouse, whether the husband or the wife, has a higher desire or drive for sex — we want to feel desired and wanted even if the other spouse does not need or want sex as often as we do. We want to know that sex means as much to them as it does to us and we want our spouse to at least try to put in some effort to keep intimacy alive in the marriage. We don’t want to always be the only one thinking about it and trying to pursue it, and often the higher drive spouse will stop pursuing intimacy because of constant rejection or being ignored, which only causes more disconnect in the relationship.

  9. My wife and I make love about once a week and almost always my wife has an amazing orgasm which just seems to go on and on. This is a wonderful experience for me and allows me to relax and enjoy my own orgasm knowing I have met her needs. Despite this she does not want to make love more than once a week. My question is why only once a week when she derives so much pleasure from it? I would be over the moon to do it twice a week, she is after all the most wonderful woman in the world for me and my best friend. I am thrilled that she chose me as the man to take care of her and to love for the rest of our lives, (now over 40 years). I deem it a privilege and an honour to be her husband but I long to make love more frequently.

  10. One tip I would give is to make sure that you let your husband know you find him attractive.

    Speaking from experience here, my wife gave me the “that’s it?” look when she saw me for the first time, and as soon as I got that look, it completely shut me down. After the first few times my wife asked why I didn’t seem interested and I told her how I felt. I told my wife about how it impacted me and things have improved greatly, but had I not told her about the fact that I didn’t think she found me attractive, I would be willing to bet I would still be hesitant.

    Perhaps some of these ladies are in a similar boat where they haven’t really made it clear to their husbands that they find them attractive. Or maybe its even that they haven’t told their husbands that their husbands do a good job (who wants to do something they aren’t good at?). Sometimes silence can be interpreted as disappointment, so by not telling your husband if it was good or bad, he might very well assume that it was bad for you.

    Finally, make sure it feels good for him. I’ve never had more disappointment in bed than when I see my wife having a great time, then almost no effort has been made to make sure I’m having a good time (having sex isn’t what makes men feel good, its about what we receive during it that makes us feel good). Simply put, find out what your husband likes, and make sure he gets it often.

  11. Pingback: Sex with Your Spouse: Why Not Tonight? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  12. My wife and I had poor teaching about sex growing up in our families. We also only had three or four poor pre-marital sessions before marriage and sex was never mentioned. We didn’t talk about our sexual expectations at all. I thought sex was something you finally got to do when married, a ‘bonus’ if you will. We both also thought sex=intercourse, thus that was the only thing on the menu.

    My wife was also fairly controlling early in our marriage. Her expectation was if I wasn’t at work I’d be with her. She didn’t want me spending time with my guy friends anymore because, if I loved her, she reasoned, I’d only want to spend time with her.

    Her controlling attitude struck a cord with me and I felt like a child most days. This was a complete turnoff sexually. Combine that with believing anything other than intercourse was off-limits and I simply didn’t enjoy sex. My wife wanted sex two or three times a week and thought something was wrong with one of us after hearing how much men always wanted sex, yet I didn’t. Sex was always on her terms and she found the mess disgusting and employed methods to control that, too. I became a gatekeeper/moderate refuser for the first 8 or so years of our marriage. It had nothin to do with pornography or a low-drive, but with lots of miscommunication, poor teaching growing up, and poor pre-marital counseling. It took years before we began to figure things out and now have a healthy, robust sex life.

  13. Pingback: Q&A with J: When It Comes to Sex, My Husband Says I’m “Too Much” | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  14. First of all, I want to commend you for all the issues you address on this site, and more so, for how maturedly you do so in a healthy and objective manner. May God strengthen you onto greater works to his glory.

    Now, porn is wrong and evil comes out of indulging in the use of it, but I believe most men turn to it as the alternative to turning to another woman to have sexual needs met. Eventually porn is likely to lead one to turn to someone other than their spouse, but initially it never appears as a way to that end.

    There’s so much asking, entreating, serving, loving, whining, and complaining any man can take without feeling unheard unrewarded and unloved. I dare say men resort to porn easier when their sexual needs are being met with what is perceived as insensitivity on the part of their wives. The wives are for the most part clueless about negligence on their own part till the actions of their husband has evolved into habit. Habits can be hard to break and bad habits degenerate into worse things fast.

    I encourage all wives to be more active in paying attention to their husbands and husbands to provide better quality to their wives in the bedroom and out of it.

    1. I agree that some husbands turn to pornography when they feel sexual needs are not being met in their marriage. And that wives can help fight that temptation by building a healthy sexual relationship with their husbands. Many people indeed turn to sin when they feel something is missing in their lives, and filling that hole can go a long way toward keeping us on the right path.

      However, a lot of men enter marriage already having extensive exposure to porn. That colors their view of how sex should occur in their marriage. And when things are not going well, some don’t simply turn toward pornography, they turn back to it.

      This prior exposure and the high prevalence of porn also feeds into situations I hear about — like a wife can’t get her husband interested in sex because watching porn is easier than engaging with a real-life woman, or a happily married man still maintains a secret addiction to porn.

      Point is — there are many reasons why people turn to porn. Like you, I encourage wives to do everything they can to foster healthy sexual intimacy (for their husbands and for themselves). I also suggest husbands take responsibility for the choices they make, because it’s ultimately their choice, and get help if pornography has that kind of intense pull.

      Thanks for your comment!

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