Daily Archives: December 22, 2016

Q&A with J: Adding Variety to Your Marriage Bed

Today’s question is about variety in the marriage bed. Specifically positions, but I’ll deal with a bit more than that.

… my husband wants more variety. We mainly stick to two positions, missionary and me on top. They are great but I am self conscious about other positions like rear entry or reverse cowgirl. My husband would also like to do positions that show off more of my lady parts. I’m not sure what those would be. Any ideas?

Messy white bed and pillow, in the morning - with blog post title

If you’re going to do only one position, you’d probably start with missionary. It’s face-to-face, he’s putting forth most of the effort, and everybody’s heard about it. It’s also the most often seen position in movies and on TV.

Add one more, and you’ve likely gone to woman-on-top. Which is an excellent addition because the husband gets a great view, the wife gets more control over the action, and many women have an easier time orgasming with this angle.

But that’s a limited repertoire — two positions — and it makes sense to expand your options. You might find that variety increases your pleasure, the engagement of your five senses, and adds to your shared experiences. And you’ll likely find some favorites among positions you haven’t yet tried!

Let’s start with the self-consciousness about rear entry or reverse cowgirl. Because I totally get it. Waving your behind at your husband during sex can feel a little … awkward. I used to feel anxious about facing the other way from my husband. I wondered:

  • Why doesn’t he want to look into my eyes?
  • Is he more comfortable not looking directly at me during sex?
  • How can a front-seat view of my butt be attractive?

One day, I finally asked: “Why on earth would you want to see me from that angle?!” His explanation helped me understand why a husband would be interested in this position. For one thing, there’s a lovely view of your curves, including a heart shape created by your derrière and downward. Then there’s the ease of gripping your hips and thrusting from that angle. Plus, coming into the vagina from behind can allow deeper penetration, which often feels good to both of you.

Whatever your reasons for feeling self-conscious, I suggest you do some relaxation breaths, remind yourself how beautiful you are to your husband and how good this will feel, and then give those from-behind positions an honest try. After several times, I suspect your nervousness will subside, and you might discover you enjoy these options as well.

As for other “positions that show off more of my lady parts,” it’s less a matter of this sexual position or that sexual position than how you move your own body parts. Let me explain what I mean.

Are there numerous positions? If you go look up sexual positions, you’ll see a bunch of options. The well-known Kama Sutra names 64 positions. But if you actually look at them, you’ll see those positions are variations on a few themes. You’ve got sitting, standing, lying down, and then you figure out who’s on top, which way y’all are facing, and where your arms and legs are.

Understanding that there aren’t a gazillion completely different positions can ease anxiety or lack of confidence about trying things. Because once you’ve done some basic stuff, it’s really a matter of moving limbs and changing angles and so on.

How can you create variety with those changes? The same position can feel very different, and quite possibly more pleasurable, once you loosen up and move your legs and hips. For instance, the missionary position has greater potential for deep penetration and contact with your clitoris (hello, female pleasure center!) if you hike your hips upward and plant your feet on his chest or over his shoulders. That’s considered a new position, but it’s basically a tweak to Lying Down, Man on Top.

With your hips, when you’re lying down, try tilting them up. If/when you engage in rear entry, tilt your hips down (bum up). Honestly, a sex pillow can help if you want assistance getting into the right angle. Not only might that feel better to you, but it will give your husband a better glimpse of your “garden.”

The placement of your legs also can help with his view. In the missionary position, you can spread wide, either with your legs straight or your knees bent. If you can still do a butterfly pose (which I never could do in any gym class, but maybe you can), you could give that a try as well. In the Woman on Top position, you can try squatting instead of sitting, which gives you a bit more control but also exposes your genitalia to his sight.

What about the other activities? If your husband wants the best views of your body, those are likely more available with foreplay. You could let him use his hands to stimulate you, and he can do this from various angles. Again, tilting your hips and spreading your legs will provide better access. If you’re both into oral sex (called cunnilingus for women), that’s another way he can get up-close-and-personal. The view is pretty clear when you’re, um, down there.

But even him touching and stroking your naked body — moving himself and his viewpoint around as he goes — could add some variety and pleasurable exploration for you both. He could also give you a massage or rub lotion on your skin.

What more can you do for variety? Let’s go back to your original question (and not just your husband’s desire to see more of you *wink wink*): How can you get more variety in your sexual intimacy while minimizing all those self-conscious feelings? It’s not just positions or activities that achieve this goal.

Here are some ideas to play into your desire to lessen your nervousness and increase your engagement. How about some bedroom games? You can find some ideas on my Christmas gift posts, or by visiting on online Christian retailer of marital aids, or simply adapting one of your current games for your use, like strip poker or strip Battleship. What about setting the mood? You can add candles and music, and maybe even slow dance naked before you make love.

How about what you wear? Or adding more communication to your lovemaking? Or trying that missionary position in your car’s back seat or a tent in the backyard? Or stripping down and then reading love poetry or the Song of Songs to each other? Check out my 40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband for more ideas.

Just get creative. Think of your marriage bedroom not only as a holy place of deep connection — which it is — but also an intimate playground where you can enjoy one another and your own pleasure. As Song of Songs 5:1 says: “Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (HCSB).