Since I started blogging in 2010, there has been a flourishing of websites like mine — Christian women devoted to helping other Christian women pursue holy and pleasurable sexual intimacy in marriage. We come from different perspectives, but many of us share a similar mission.
For instance, I’d count all of my Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast partners: Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., Bonny Burns of OysterBed7. Two other favorite voices are Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage and Juli Slattery of Authentic Intimacy. Also, Keelie Reason of Love Hope Adventure and Ruth Buezis of Awaken Love. (And I’m going to look at this post later and think of someone I forgot!)
When it comes to wives and the issue of godly sexuality, there are so many more resources now than when I was younger. If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. It may well be mine, but if not, you’ve got other places to look.
If you are a wife in need of a biblical perspective and practical tips to address sex in your #marriage, I now can say with confidence that there is a resource out there for you. Click To TweetBUT I frequently hear from both wives and husbands asking about parallel resources for husbands. Yes, there are blogs for men, but not that many specifically written toward men. And I’ll be honest: I don’t think there are enough.
I have enormous respect for several male bloggers who have written well about sexual intimacy in marriage — Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband, Scott Means of Heaven Made Marriage, and Brad Aldrich of One Flesh Marriage, just to name a few, but we need more.
And I really would like to see some godly men speak out on issues that could use more focused treatment, like:
- Lower drive husbands writing for other lower drive husbands to show them how to be sexually engaged in their marriage
- Husbands sharing how porn is no longer a temptation, because they overcame it and you can too
- Older men sharing how sexuality changes in later years and how to keep that intimate spark alive
- Pastors addressing how to responsibly promote godly sexuality in the Church, with real-life ideas for teaching and ministry
As you might surmise, I believe in strong women. Yet I also believe that for godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause.
For godly sexuality to have its revival in the Church, it needs men to champion the cause. Click To TweetSo when I receive questions like “Where are the blogs or books like yours…but for men?”, I have a few suggestions, but I’d love to have more.
That said, I’m not even sure blogs or books are the best way to reach men. My own husband is less likely to read a whole marriage book than he is to listen to a podcast.
Men often respond well to short snippets of information that get to the point and then allow them time to process the idea. So perhaps the ministry on sex to husbands should look different, with such resources as:
- A video series in church
- Daily reminders in his email inbox with a godly sex tip
- A mobile app with Christian sex ideas
- A podcast for men on how to foster their marital intimacy
- Short online videos with marriage bed tips
- Online communities (Facebook or elsewhere) for husbands to plug into advice and support
My suggestions are not intended to diminish anything already happening, but I’ve love to see more. Because I still get these questions, and I don’t like how easily I can come up with answers for the ladies but fewer answers for the gentlemen.
Also, I don’t like that many of the resources for husbands focus almost exclusively on sexual sin. Not that we shouldn’t help men break free from porn, refrain from lust, and avoid adultery — we should! — but husbands don’t merely need to turn away from sin but turn toward God’s design for sex in marriage. Many of them need to know how to effectively nurture sexual intimacy with their wife.
Now instead of me advising a bunch of other stuff, I’m shortening this post so I can hear from you in the comments!
Husbands, what resources do you believe would be helpful in encouraging you toward biblical and beautiful sexual intimacy in your marriage? And yes, you wives are welcome to comment!
J,
I like the daily Christian sex tip for men in your inbox idea. I think it has great potential.
YouTube, Podcasts, Facebook, and other social media are what I think men would gravitate towards. YouTube is a very male-centric space, and there’s something about short videos that really gets the point across. I’ve been thinking this for a while, and I think there would be a big audience for it. Of course anonymity would be thrown out the window from day one so maybe it’s scary for someone to start there.
I personally have thought of this very topic for a couple of years now. The primary motivator that stops me is fear! Our culture is in a frame of mind that does not encourage a guy to do sex blogging as a hobby. I have a day job that has nothing to do with outreach and help, and i can virtually guarantee that the activity of sex blogging would likely be considered conduct unbecoming of a MALE employee.
For the most part, when women talk about sexual intimacy, people regard it as mature conversation, but if guys do, especially around women, it is considered inappropriate, or it immediately puts people (most significantly women) on the defensive with the mindset that the guy is sex obsessed or is a jerk and forces/controls his wife in all things, including sex.
The need is there…. but the barrier of fear is way up there. It is an easier entry point to be a “marriage” blogger and occasionally bring in the topic is sex.
J. …. have you considered inviting ”regular guys” to collaborate on a topic with? (Outside of paul, scott, and the others you mention?)
Good question at the end there. Not really. But I’m just so busy with all I’ve got going on that taking on another project makes me a little queasy. Maybe I should think about this a little more…
Hi J!
Thanks for the article! For some more of a year I started my own Dutch blog called Daaromzaleenman (Thats why a man…) about marriage and sex. It is Dutch only, although I link to some English sites. About 10 years ago I started reading books and blogs about marriage and sex, and it was such a blessing for my own marriage which was bad at that moment. There are a couple of good resources from men I follow: (only names, no links. search as you will find:) KevinAThomson, The Generous Husband, XYCode (same Paul)(This one really helps me explain my own feelings to my wife), Husband revolution (Which sends a daily prayer in my inbox on request), Mission Husband, and UncoveringIntimacy (and yes I know some of you don’t like his views or his tone or him at all, and I do not ask to change that or discuss it here. But his work helped me a lot and I think he is a blessing to a lot of men struggling with their sexuality and their marriage.) There are also a couple of resources from women I follow, but I think men really need men in this. The women’s posts do help me understand my wife, and they help to start a conversation. But yes, men really need men! Again, thanks for this post!
Okay, I know it doesn’t work perfectly, but I looked at your site with Google Translate…and how cool is that! I now wish I could read Dutch. Thanks for doing what you do! I’m sure it’s benefiting a lot of marriages.
Maybe a video game of sorts….just kidding. 😀 From my experience, guys just aren’t that into nurturing their marriage relationship in that way (marriage conferences, books, blogs, etc.). We just finished a marriage class at church and some of the guys just kind of rolled their eyes with a “happy wife happy life” kind of attitude and most of them didn’t even do the homework (and part of that could have been the fact that sex wasnt even mentioned as a topic, and there were couples clearly struggling in that area, which I was frustrated with because it’s SO IMPORTANT and the church needs to speak up…..ahhh!! lol). Idk, my husband would never choose to do that kind of thing unless he knew it was something I really wanted (like attending marriage class). He relates more to attending men’s group and one on one mentoring with a godly, older gentlemen. But again, maybe it’s because there isn’t anything really geared towards men available! It all relates more to women. I’d be curious to see if he would like something done by a guy for a guy. 🙂
ACTUALLY, a video game isn’t all that crazy. I can imagine a scenario-focused video game with perks and rewards and stuff that would also encourage men toward better sexual intimacy. Maybe I should talk to my son who is studying to be a computer programmer…
And if I taught a class on sexual intimacy, most students would really like the “homework.” 😀
Because most of these things are an ambush for men.
Frankly, they’ve been told Happy Wife, Happy Life, but are still not having the sex they want to have, or the respect from their wives, do you think they are going to believe the next big thing that comes out from the church or the Marital Industrial Complex?
Was the homework going to result in more and better sex for the husband? Or was it here is a list of 100 things he’s doing wrong, now go back and talk about it until he sees the error of his ways.
We’ve had a generation or two of:
– Women are better at relationships.
– Men’s desires are more shallow than women’s desires.
– Men need to express their feelings.
– Men need to express less anger.
– Women desire connection.
– Women don’t want sex.
And I could go on with the obviously contradictory advice and positions given.
Women are not BETTER at relationships, they bring different strengths. Not better, different. If you were both the same, one would be redundant. Maybe God knew what he was doing when he made differences in men and women.
But we humans can’t simply accept that. We must claim that God made us better, be we men or women.
So a wise man isn’t going to enthusiastically walk into that ambush that is known as the Marital Industrial Complex. If you want men to engage in this, there has to be some real give and take and some tangible benefits to going.
If it’s just about what he’s doing wrong and we’ll get him fixed… and none of his complaints are addressed in equal measure, then why is his presence even required? It’s already been decided what is wrong without his input, so why is he needed for the solution?
Yikes, the “Marriage Industrial Complex” sounds serious and threatening. And I really don’t know what that is. Sure, there are some erroneous messages out there—I’ve even written about some of those here (The Experts Who Are Damaging Your Sexual Intimacy), but “an ambush” for men? I just don’t see that like you do. In fact, I could point you to a whole lot of women who feel they’ve been told they’re the problem over and over and over: for his lust, for his porn, for his crankiness, etc.
I think both sides have been guilty of pointing the finger at the other, and you just happened to personally experience one side of that. But like this post says, more and more great resources are coming out to support marriages, including just-how-God-made-you men. I hope I’m honoring that regularly on my blog, because I really do believe that most men are pretty great. A few duds out there make your gender look really bad at times (and yes, men should largely speak up against that, for their own sake as well), but I recognize the same could be said for us gals.
I can absolutely understand where this type of mindset could come from. Most men have heard and read that type of thing since we were old enough to read. I thank God that some real good blogs exist now, but let us not forget that this is a pretty new thing still, and there still are hardly any men bloggers talking about sex from a Christian perspective. The truth is that most marriage advice I’d seen prior to the last couple of years wasn’t from Christian sources at all, and it was very hard to find useful Christian anything when I got married.
Even now, it feels like 80% of the online presence is very very female centered. I think a lot of that is because men haven’t stepped up to provide that presence, but a lot of it might be because men don’t go looking for marriage help as much.
Perhaps it is serious and threatening.
Notice I’m not down on marriage, just the commercialization and the nature of how this advice usually comes.
I’m pretty frustrated at this point. It’s 8 May and we’ve had sex 3x this year. I keep myself pretty fit. I’m in my 50s, but can keep up with most 30 somethings, so it’s not like my desire is going down any.
But the idiot savant portion of my Mr Spock persona can recall the dates of at least two of the three intimate encounters.
But she has time to go on a cruise with her mother, or to hop in the car and drive 8 hours to Cleveland to check on her brother….
But somehow, she’ll unload on me because I started late on planning her 50th birthday. Yet, she had a great time.
Me, not so much.
Just cranky and frustrated.
Doesn’t help when a few weeks ago a woman saw me in a local Wal*Mart where I stopped after a 28 mile bike ride and she just up and said I looked fine. First of the season, so I kept the distance short.
So random women in Wal*Mart think I have it, but my wife couldn’t care less.
Shrug
I hear your frustration and I sympathize big-time. But I also know that bitterness isn’t likely to cause any spouse to want to engage more. Somehow, there needs to be a positive change. I don’t know what that looks like, but that’s where I suggest your focus remain…in trying to figure out what would communicate enough love and understanding to reach her. Praying for you both!
Tony,
Maybe you already know this, but just remember to keep your defenses up. You are going to be way more vulnerable when your wife isn’t meeting your needs, and Satan has a way of throwing every conceivable temptation at you when you’re in such a state. Women seem to come out of the woodwork and the lure of porn is strong (at least for me it was). Until you can find a way to break through to your wife, fight hard to maintain the purity of your mind. It’s not easy.
J,
Don’t I know it. When I am in a situation where I don’t feel like I have to be defensive and on guard around my wife, I feel less attacked and more willing to engage.
If I’m on the defensive from her criticisms, I’m not very inclined to seek a closer relationship.
Check out the Gottman institute, they have an app as well. I appreciate your posts and denfinitly agree with the comments
I haven’t tried the Gottman app yet. Interesting! Thanks.
Realize that Gotta is veeeery secular and “left-coasty”. Look no further than how their web-site is illustrated if you have any doubts.
I LOT of site contributors are LBGTQ etc. I think I got all the letters accounted for. HA!
They have changed a lot. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is excellent, but they have lately focused more and more on same-sex relationships. Now and then I’ve seen a good article from them that I don’t end up sharing because the photo has a same-sex couple or an example from a gay or lesbian relationship. With such sources, we simply have to be selective. The relationship research tends to be very good, but their values don’t fully match evangelical Christianity.
J-if you’re too busy, you’re too busy!!!! You do a great work and have a great ministry already.
I see almost as many men commenting on your blog as women! So you’re teaching them too. Maybe some of your readers who have the experiences you mentioned (overcoming porn etc) could do a guest post?! Then all you would need to do is read it to approve it and make sure it’s appropriate and edifying. Just a thought.
I totally agree! We need more sources online for men. I feel like a Brony reading these amazing blogs sometimes 🙂
I’ve found the the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast by Dr Corey Allen to be a great resource for me as a man. He has had 2 main female regular co-hosts over the years, though at this particular point in time he’s co-hosting most times with his wife, and I’ve always found the discussion absolutely great. It’s also very validating in a sense to have his female co-hosts affirming what he says from a man’s point of view and vice versa (don’t get me wrong – they don’t always agree!). The last episode was “Sexually Confident Husband”, definitely worth a listen!
J
I think whatever works as long as it maintains or leads to greater bonding. Christian couples can also be vulnerable from being too mundane or not even be emotionally connected.
My thought is it wouldn’t hurt a Christian woman to go on Christian blog sponsored by a married man seeking different perspectives on how men can think domestically and intimately. The same can be said for a Christian Man seeking the perspective of a Christian Blog sponsored by a married woman.
Some of us have gone through choppy waters and ultimately we need to know how to navigate our way into safe harbors. Christ should be at the helm.
Sure making love is powerful way to bond with our spouses, but without mental bonding by both the husband and wife, the love making is cheapened and less fulfilling.
My wife is a woman, so it seems as if a woman is going to know better, what she wants from her husband than getting it from a man.
I don’t want to minimize hearing a man’s perspective on how to treat a woman or even his take on what works for him domestically or intimately, as long as it includes being emotionally connected with his spouse. Connection is a foreign word even to Christian men as they have never even heard of. (and even some Christian woman)
How we communicate with our spouses domestically goes a long way intimately.
I think these are all great ideas, but my next question would be, how do we get our husbands to read and/or listen? My husband isn’t big on computers or the internet. 🙁
Plus, he’s not really big on being told things he might not want to hear. 🙁
Yeah, I’m not sure anyone is all that “big on being told things [they] might not want to hear.” That’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it?!
That’s the biggest question for any spouse with issues B. I tried to get my wife to read these blogs and she would give a noncommittal answer or finally get angry if I prodded too much. I came to the conclusion that your spouse has to want to seek out change for it to work. How that happens is the real question. For some spouses, finally figuring out how much they have been hurting their mate will drive them to seek out self-improvement out of love. For others, the fear of losing them might shock them to reality. But for some, the sad truth is that nothing will make them change. Not you, not friends, and not God.
Last comment agree, irony the partner who can response – is not able and they need to seek help for what ever the hurt affected them bodily, mentally etc. It is like vicious circle when partner with problem procrastinates and then we must rely on God, Brian. If man or woman high libdo, then they can only assuage which is not healthy in any marriage and that would be the help as a man and Christian seek to ask God.
onefleshmarriage.com & fiercemarriage.com come to mind. I have not kept up on them as much but I do know they are about sex & both are Christian men.
I for one, when our marriage was in a drought, sought after a woman’s perspective since I wanted to please my wife. Not downplaying a male perspective blog at all. They are needed. Yet, I found a real blessing at intimacyinmarriage.com & then here. I set out to be a student of my wife sexually & you ladies have helped both my wife & I tremendously.
Thank you.
Brian states above, “ I came to the conclusion that your spouse has to want to seek out change for it to work. How that happens is the real question.” Sorry I haven’t read all the replies so if this is out of context I apologize. One of the key things I found was that I had to become the person my wife didn’t defend herself against. Regardless of whether the spouse is right it wrong we cannot get anywhere if she is pushing us away, keeping us at bay. If we keep pushing at something they don’t want then we become the person they keep correcting, putting in our place, & wanting nothing to do with. They defend themselves with arms up spiritually, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Again, they don’t have to be right to do this, but it is right to them to do it. But they will never correct themselves, nor change while in defense mode. We all do it. Even guys have those issues of getting bent out of shape over personal issues that others don’t get. The answer is that they have to see you as a person that they can put there defenses down around. I had to quit pressuring to have sex. I even told my wife that she never has to perform for me or ever feel pressure to do something she doesn’t want. But I had to change to show I was that man. Eventually, her arms came down. I got my friend back. She will never respond with her arms up defending herself from you. She cannot do two opposite actions at once. Become the man she wants to embrace.
The other keys are 1. the example of Jesus. This is Jesus Christ style, pray to serve not be served. The other, is have faith that 1. God will save your sex/marriage, but 2. that you will be a better quality man whether things change with your spouse or not. I know this last point isn’t fun but it really is about how God sees victory. He will do all He can & if it is in your wife He will bring it out of her. It will happen if He has anything to do with it. But, alas, He always gives us the final choice. Jesus went to the cross because He loves us. Have that love for your wife & never quit.
Thank you for this. I think the approach you describe is very important in making positive change.
I really like the ideas here. I, too, have seen the need for this. Especially the emphasis on giving men something to turn towards rather than just something to battle against. So many men feel exhausted having to battle against lust, but there isn’t much of a picture out there except in the vaguest terms of what incredible goodness is possible, let alone how to get there. I have a friend who is an app developer. I bet if I came up with content, there really might be a market out there for men, especially if the language used to promote it was more “man-centric,” and the content was communicated more in the ways that men like to get information that they’ll act upon.
J – A late thanks for the call out.
Do pray for more men to write blogs – you ladies have done a much better job then we guys!
“Also, I don’t like that many of the resources for husbands focus almost exclusively on sexual sin. Not that we shouldn’t help men break free from porn, refrain from lust, and avoid adultery — we should! — but husbands don’t merely need to turn away from sin but turn toward God’s design for sex in marriage. Many of them need to know how to effectively nurture sexual intimacy with their wife.”
I couldn’t agree more with this paragraph! Let’s not just harp on what’s wrong. Help our men bring out the best in what’s right!
I also agree that men are more likely to listen to a podcast than read a book or blog. My husband follows a couple of podcasts religiously but rarely reads a book.
I stumbled across your blog and Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast about a week ago. What great resources!!! I am a big believer in making sure the marriage bed is in order. If we get that, so many other things fall into place.
J., your writing is exceptional and the content is SO NEEDED! What a blessing you and your blogger/podcast friends are to the Christian wives who want to steam up their marriages without tainting them with the filthy residue of inappropriate web content.
Keep the good content coming! Thank you!
Thank you so much! And Chris Taylor of the podcast and I are launching a new ministry just for husbands: KHS Ministry. Eventually, it will include a podcast. 🙂