Before we get started, I have an announcement.

Mark your calendar and watch for more info soon. Now to the content!

My book Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design has a chapter on sex positions with this excerpt:

There are only a few main positions, but many variations. Those sixty-four positions in the Kama Sutra, and any others people come up with, are really variations within a few major categories.

I still believe that, but it can help to have a bit more information on how to strike a good pose for your lovemaking, adjust as needed, and increase your mutual pleasure. So let’s talk about sex positions.

And thanks to Christian Friendly Sex Positions for their wonderful site and permission to use their illustrations.

What are the major categories?

There’s no definitive list. But might I suggest these mix-and-match categories?

1. Man on top / Woman on top / Side by side
2. Standing / Sitting / Kneeling / Squatting / Lying down
3. Facing each other / Rear entry / Side angle

Take any sex position, and it will likely fit into these categories. With #2, you’re not necessarily doing the same pose. For instance, he could be kneeling while she lies down, or she could be squatting while he lies down. But you can see how almost everything fits pretty well into these general body poses.

Within those main positions, you can do a lot of shifting, angling, and moving that make a difference in how pleasurable the experience is for both husband and wife.

What are the variations?

As the 18^th century poet William Cowper said, “Variety’s the very spice of life!” I don’t think he was referring to sex, but it certainly applies. Within those main categories, varying what your arms and legs are doing, the visual you get of your spouse’s body, and the angle of entry can all lead to more interesting and satisfying sexual intimacy.

Let’s take a very basic position and see how “spicing it up” can create different and possibly better sensations: The Missionary Position.

Missionary is a lying-down, man-on-top position and what you’re most likely to think of when you first think of sex between man and woman. It’s certainly the one we’ve seen on screen the most, and the one historically approved of by the church. (It was also known as the matrimonial position.)

Before we pan it, let’s note that this “vanilla sex” position is satisfying to many couples. That said, with a few adjustments, we can end up with all kinds of variations, including the Reclining Lotus:

And the Over Easy:

FYI: That red triangle is a Liberator wedge pillow (highly recommend), and no, I did not name these positions.

These variations have the spouses’ hands in the same place, more or less. But other categories allow him or her to add manual stimulation. For instance, the Reverse Cowgirl (access to him):

Or the Dragonfly (access to her):

Full disclosure: I did suggest and name the Dragonfly. (You’re welcome.)

How can you find the best positions?

What’s immensely enjoyable to one wife may not be to another. Same with husbands, of course. Even though we all have the same basic body parts, our sensitivities and desires differ, so what works best for you as a couple should take into consideration:

Your body’s capabilities. This is increasingly an issue for me and my husband, because aging has made some positions more difficult to attain or sustain. Our muscles and joints simply don’t like them anymore.

But you may have other challenges, such as height differences, being plus-sized (see this excellent post from my friend Chris), or chronic pain. Don’t try positions that you can’t do without hurting yourself. You won’t be able to focus on the pleasure you’re feeling when discomfort is competing for your attention.

Your goals for this encounter. One perk of sex within a long-term marriage is experimenting with a variety of encounters. Like is this going to be a long lovemaking session, a quickie, or something in between? Are you focused more on her this time, him this time, or an equal exchange of pleasure? Is this encounter more about feeling connected to one another or having exciting orgasms?

Taking that last question as an example, if you want to feel especially intimate with your spouse, you might choose a face-to-face position where you can look into one another’s eyes and share ongoing kisses. But if you want an explosive climax, you might look for a position that allows deeper penetration or rubbing against her clitoris.

Your experience. After you’ve tried a position, talk about your experience with it. Maybe not right after the sexual encounter but whenever you can calmly revisit how it went. Let your spouse know how it felt and decide together whether that position was a one-off or gets added to the repertoire.*

*Quick note to husbands: Just because she orgasmed doesn’t mean it was a good position for her. I’ve heard from wives whose husbands concluded that, but she in fact didn’t like it because it felt impersonal or for some other reason. Just trust each other’s feedback and go from there.

How do sex positions work in real life?

So you’ve got your new position to try. Do you just strike that pose and then let the thrusting begin? Maybe. But more often, you’ll use more than one variation during a sexual encounter.

Let’s say you start with what my podcast co-host Chris Taylor named Stallion Style (aka “doggy style”):

After a little while at this position, you may decide to change the angle of entry by having him stand beside the bed instead. She shifts as well, perhaps hoping for deeper penetration. And you end up in the Beep Beep position:

If it’s taking a while for climax to arrive, that position might become uncomfortable for her to sustain. So she moves to join her husband in standing, with the Man on Fire position:

Of course, not every encounter is going to have three positions! But you can see that it’s not just a matter of striking a pose. You’re likely in movement during sex and adjusting as needed. It could be small changes, like the wife moving her legs from lying on the bed to wrapped around his torso to pull him closer or the husband going from bending over her to sitting up straight to get a better view of his beloved. Feel free to go with what your bodies are telling you so that you can enjoy your intimate experience together.

Then again, if you’re both feeling lazy but still want to be intimate, you could stick with this one position called Banana Pancakes:

I also suggested and named this position, but I promise that’s the last one! (At least for now. ~wink ~)

Wives and husbands, I encourage you to try something new. It doesn’t have to be a particularly adventurous position. Maybe just a variation of what you’ve already been doing. You might find that better sex positioning helps you experience more satisfying sex.

P.S. If you’re wondering if sex positions are ever mentioned in the Bible, I’m pretty sure the Lover and Beloved were actually doing more than sleeping in this verse…

The post Strike a Pose! (But Don’t Stay There.) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

From Genesis to Revelation, God makes it clear that His plan for sex is a husband and wife in a covenant marriage finding delight in one another and reflecting God’s longing for connection with us. If that’s His design, then why is it so difficult for many couples to realize? Why don’t men and women get hitched and immediately experience the depth and beauty of sexual intimacy as God intended?

Is Wonderful Sex Really God’s Will?

From the beginning, God wanted husband and wife to experience sexual intimacy:

And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“At last this is bone of my bones,
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called ‘woman,’
Because she was taken out of man.”
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:22–25

One flesh—that’s some pretty heady stuff right there. If you’ve ever experienced sex as God meant it to be, you can conjure up a memory of when the distinction between you and your spouse got fuzzy. When you felt merged together, as if the sum of you was greater than your individual parts. You were, as Jesus later cited, “no longer two, but one flesh.” Christ finished that thought with: “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:26).

Paul reiterated this in Ephesians 5:31–32: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”

God’s Word also tells husbands to:

…rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18–19

And He made sure to include an entire book in the Bible (Song of Songs) that describes the physical intimacy between a husband and wife, with the wife speaking over half, and perhaps up to two-thirds, of the time about her desire for and enjoyment of their sexual relationship.

On top of that, the apostle Paul provided for mutuality in the sexual relationship (a novel idea in the culture of the time) with his description of how husband and wife should engage in sexual relations:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 (ESV)

Note: That verse is NOT about her owing him sex, but rather recognizes that desire can come from the husband or the wife, and sexual intimacy should be mutually desired and satisfying.

Given how the Bible cheers on married couples to have one-flesh, sensual, satisfying, and mutual sex, it seems pretty clear that our LORD gives that experience a hearty thumbs-up.

It’s a Broken World

In Genesis 2, it was male and female, one flesh, naked and unashamed … and one chapter later, the whole world fractures like a pecan in a nutcracker. What happened? S-I-N. Sin. It’s at that moment that humans feel shame, animals become predator and prey, and sinful nature takes hold. We are still made in God’s image! But a (well-deserved) curse reigns over the land and its creatures, us included. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, came to free us from that curse. And we are free indeed! But we don’t realize our full freedom this side of Heaven.

As guitarist and singer Prince said, “In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld.” Tears for Fears’s lead singer and songwriter put it as: “It’s a very, very mad world.” (Amen, Curt Smith.) In this harder, mad world, we’re selfish and sinful, and we’re also victims of others’ selfishness and sinfulness.

Thus, we enter marriage with baggage from wrong messages, bad experiences, and personal trauma. Our spouses have their own issues that affect us—sometimes resulting in an unavailable spouse, an unfaithful spouse, or an abusive spouse (if that last one is your story, please get help). We aren’t enjoying what God has to offer because so many obstacles stand between us and Him.

And from 15+ years in this ministry, I’ve concluded that God doesn’t want us to have fantastic sex that blinds us to other problems we need to address. Yes, intimate sex can help us get through tough relational challenges, but physically exciting sex can keep us from seeing what we really need to see and relying on God the way we should.

Our brokenness can lead us to not experiencing what God has in store for us sexually, but God wants us to bring that brokenness to Him. He may choose to heal the whole relationship, or He may choose instead to simply heal us. Speaking of which…

Sex Is Not His Highest Priority

In the last few years, a whole lot has happened in my life. I won’t go into it, and rest assured, I’m fine. But I’ve had health issues, family issues, other issues, etc. that have thrown me off-kilter. Twice, I’ve followed my own advice to others about getting help when you need it and seen a therapist. Both times, the counselor has essentially said, “If you’re feeling like this is a lot, it’s because this is a lot.” No one issue has been overwhelming, but they’ve piled up at times and left me aching for a break already. Perhaps you can relate.

In the midst of all this, I received an email from a woman who’d written a Christian memoir about her experience of suffering. I get requests from time to time to review a book, and most of the time, I decline (subject not relevant, not enough time, etc.), but something pricked at me to say yes this time. Fast forward a year or so, and I not only read her book but started following her podcast, both titled Singing Through Fire. While I’d already tackled the problem of pain years ago, Laura Silverman’s resources have helped me to develop a deeper theology of suffering.

The truth is that God’s far less concerned about your sex life than your soul. The delight He most wants you to experience is not the awakening of all your senses in sexual excitement, or an amazing orgasm, or even the feeling that you and your beloved are “no longer two, but one flesh.” It’s our delight in Him.

“Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation” (Psalm 35:9).

“Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God” (Psalm 43:4).

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isaiah 61:10).

Sexual satisfaction in your current circumstances may be difficult for any number of reasons, but while God wants you to have a great sex life in your marriage, that’s not as important as your faithfulness and the growth God can bring in the midst of hardship.

He Wants Us to Grow Up

Years and years ago, a husband who called himself the Kentucky Colonel had a blog titled A Grown Up Marriage. He focused on treating your marriage and sexual intimacy as a mature Christian. Good point, KC. The apostle Peter encourages us to “crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good” (1 Peter 2:2–3), and the apostle Paul suggests “we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). God wants us to develop as His own son did, growing “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man” (Luke 2:52). Okay, maybe some of us have lost a bit of stature in our older years, but the principle is the same: God will use whatever we encounter to challenge us to grow up—in Him.

Think about it like this: You’re at the grocery store checkout, and behind you is a weary parent with a whiny kid. Instead of countering the child’s self-centered demands, the parent gives in at every turn. “You want a candy bar? Okay, just one. Maybe two.” The child pleads again. “Fine, you can have three.” Then, there’s a pout and a pitiful cry. The parent sighs. “Just grab whatever you want and put it on the conveyor belt.” Pause. “Yes, yes, you can have ice cream later.” Will this approach help the child mature properly?

Obviously not. And God, our perfect Father, isn’t going to give us stuff that keeps us selfish and immature. You may be screaming at me now that intimate sex in marriage is nothing like tummy-ache-inducing candy bars! And I agree with you. But most parents find great pleasure in sharing treats with their children from time to time. They just don’t want it to be a demand, an expectation, an entitlement. I loved putting York peppermint patties in my son’s Easter eggs, but I also wanted them to be able to handle those times when their favorite candy wasn’t available.

We should be able to soak in God’s blessings! And also deal with life’s hardships. Some spouses I’ve heard from through the years could use a course in Sexual Adulting. Meaning that you don’t always get your way. And maybe God can help you grow through that challenge.

Eden Will Be Restored … But Not Yet

Speaking of growing up, when I was a kid, I got the message that when you died, you got something like wings, flew up to Heaven, and lived in some mysterious dimension until the End of Time … whereupon other Christians joined you in the harp-playing, perfect-pitch-singing eternal chorus.

I’ve got a different view of Heaven these days, and while I might be wrong about some particulars, I now believe God is in the business of restoration. He’s restoring our relationship with Him. He’s restoring our relationships with one another. He’s restoring Eden as He intended it to be:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Revelation 22:1–5

Instead of whisking us away from this world, He’s repairing this world. In this new creation, we will be united not only wolf to lamb (Isaiah 11:6), but husband to wife. We will experience a new level of intimacy with God … and with each other. It will surpass what we’ve known on this broken earth. We (humans) will be the bride to God (our husband).

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

Revelation 22:2

It’s a hard pill to swallow for some of you, but if you don’t experience God’s plan for deep intimacy here in earth, you’ll get it in the next life. The eternal life. God, our husband, values intimacy and will deliver it to us when Eden is fully restored.

Yet Sex Is Spiritual

The longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the more I believe that the sexual experience is imbued with spiritual significance. The enemy wants to twist sex into a self-centered, physical, use-your-partner event. But God created it to convey something about His creation and His purpose for them.

You won’t feel that spiritual weight every time you have sex. But the cumulative effect of an intimate sex life with your covenant spouse is to give you a glimpse of God’s desire for connection with you. What we feel in our bodies is what God wants to say about His desire for us.

But have you noticed that your relationship with God isn’t easy either? Judaism and Christianity both have a long tradition of wrestling with God. That doesn’t mean our faith is insufficient, but rather we feel free to share our doubts with God and listen for His answers. Anyone who has delved deeply into the reason for their faith has likely come across questions that plague them at night. Why? Because our human understanding falls short of God’s ways.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?

John 3:12

Once we realize that the point of sexual intimacy in marriage is not simply procreation or even connection between spouses—both God-approved goals!—but a compass pointing to God’s desire for intimacy with us, we can both recognize the importance of pursuing godly sexual intimacy in marriage and accept when it’s not simple.

God has many different paths to reach us. Many ways to show us what He wants from a relationship with us. Sexual intimacy in marriage is one. But God certainly reaches out to singles, widows, orphans, and many others. He uses what He can to draw us near.

Keep Pursuing Eden

All that said, we should keep pursuing Eden. If you go back and read the passages cited near the top of this article, you can see that God longs for us to experience what He intended for marriage and sexual intimacy. While not His highest priority, it is a priority—one we should share.

Taking that journey can help you grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, and all the other fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22–23). Becoming more Christlike makes you not only a better person, but a better spouse and—when opportunity arises—a better lover. It may not be easy, but it is worth the effort.

The post Why Isn’t Sex in Marriage Easy? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in 2013, I contributed a guest post to Jolene Engle’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage series. I re-read the post, tweaked it just a bit, and wanted to share it with y’all. So here it is, on a subject near and dear to my heart: wives who desire and enjoy sex in marriage and what that says about them.

Can sex-driven wives be godly wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.

Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being.

God gifted marriage with sexual intimacy.

God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.

In the Song of Songs, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the wife eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16).  And after the couple makes love, there’s a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that it represents God’s voice. What does that voice say? “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love” (5:1). In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!

Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris.  For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose seems to be female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.

Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that higher desire wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.

It’s still common to hear Christians talking about the importance of sex in terms of a wife needing to meet her husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have!

And those of us who really like and want sex feel like dodo birds … or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label from my own mind and embrace the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.

Even spiritual. Yes, spiritual.

Spiritual values can have physical manifestations.

Consider that Jesus’s spiritual commands have a physical component:

• Love someone … by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew.
• Help others … by giving to the poor.
• Serve others … by giving your time and resources to care for them.

Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.

Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: affection, yes, but also sex. And as long as you’re doing it in a way that honors your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.

Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate.

If you’re focused on sexual intimacy to the neglect of other parts of your relationship, that’s one thing. (And a thing you should look into and resolve.) But if you simply desire and enjoy sex with your husband, that’s a longing from God. One who wants to fulfill.

The post Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

It’s been a while since I had a guest poster on here, but this one is well worth it! Dr. Corey Allan is a marriage and family therapist who’s worked with couples and addressed godly sex for a long time. You may recognize him from the Sexy Marriage Radio show/podcast where he’s been cohost for 16 years! Feel free to check my episodes with Corey on higher desire wives here and here later, but first here’s his wonderful post aimed at wives about how going along to get along may not be your best choice.

Take it way, Dr. Allan!

I want to talk to the woman who said “it’s fine” last night when it wasn’t.

Maybe it was about sex. Maybe it was about something else entirely — the plans he made without asking, the comment that landed wrong, the way he scrolled through his phone while you were mid-sentence. Whatever it was, you felt something rise in your chest. A flash of hurt. A flicker of anger. And then, almost instantly, you made a decision.

Let it go. Don’t make it a thing. Keep the peace.

You’ve made that decision a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time, something small inside you goes quiet. Not peaceful. Just… quiet.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’ve been counseling couples for over two decades. And I need to tell you something that might be hard to hear: that silence is costing you far more than the argument ever would.*

*Quick note from J that I know Corey would agree with: if you fear that you’ll experience abuse if you speak up, please get help. That isn’t the situation for most of you reading, but for those few, it’s important to mention.

The Deal You Didn’t Know You Made

In my practice, I see a pattern so common it could be its own diagnosis. I call it mutual toleration — the unspoken agreement between two spouses to tolerate what they don’t respect in each other so neither one has to confront what they don’t respect in themselves.

It looks like peace. It feels like maturity. From the outside, people might even say you have a great marriage because you never seem to fight.

But underneath the calm surface, something is slowly dying. Your vitality. Your desire. Your sense of self.

Mutual toleration is a trade: I won’t bring up how you hurt me if you don’t bring up how I hurt you. I’ll manage your weaknesses if you manage mine. We’ll both pretend this is working.

The result? Low conflict, low connection, and a bedroom that feels more like a business arrangement than an intimate space. Therapist Terry Real calls this “stable misery.” I’ve seen it in hundreds of marriages, and it almost always starts the same way — with a woman (or a man, but in my experience it’s often the wife) deciding that the cost of speaking up is higher than the cost of staying silent.

It’s not. The math just feels that way.

Why You Keep Quiet (And Why It’s Not What You Think)

Most of us don’t swallow our truth because we’re doormats. We do it because we’re scared.

Here’s what’s actually happening: when something occurs in your marriage that feels like a criticism, a dismissal, or a threat — even a small one — your nervous system kicks into gear. You get a surge of anxiety, and you have about three seconds to choose: stay present and deal with it, or find an exit.

Most of us take the exit. And we’ve gotten remarkably creative about it.

Maybe you smooth things over with a cheerful tone that doesn’t match what you’re feeling. Maybe you redirect the conversation so you don’t have to sit in the discomfort. Maybe you tell yourself you’re “choosing your battles wisely” when the truth is you’re just afraid of what happens if you actually engage.

These aren’t character flaws. They’re protection strategies. Your brain learned a long time ago — maybe in childhood, maybe in a previous relationship, maybe in the early years of your marriage — that certain emotions aren’t safe to express. So you developed ways to manage the people around you instead of managing yourself.

The problem is, every time you take that exit, you teach your spouse (and yourself) that your real feelings don’t have a place in this relationship. Over time, you stop feeling safe enough to want what you want, say what you mean, or show up as who you actually are.

And if you can’t show up as who you actually are, desire — the real, embodied, I-want-you kind — doesn’t stand a chance.

The Mirror You Don’t Want to Look In

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable. I want you to try something.

Read the following paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 slowly. I’ve broken it into single lines for a reason.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love does not dishonor others.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Now replace “love” with your first name. Read it again.

How’d you score?

I take this test periodically. I land between six and ten out of sixteen, which tells me I’ve still got work to do. And I’m a professional who teaches this material for a living.

The point isn’t to shame you. The point is to show you what you already know: nobody aces this test but Jesus. And without him, the kind of love described here — the honest, enduring, truth-rejoicing kind — is beyond what we can manufacture on our own.

But here’s what matters for your marriage right now: several of those descriptors are impossible to live out if you’re keeping the peace instead of telling the truth. Love “rejoices with the truth.” Love “always protects” — including protecting your own integrity. Love “is not self-seeking” — but neither is it self-erasing.

Keeping the peace at the expense of your honesty isn’t love. It’s fear wearing love’s clothes.

What Courage Looks Like at 9 PM on a Tuesday

So what do you do instead? You go first.

Not first as in you escalate, attack, or deliver a lecture. First as in you tell one true thing. One honest sentence, said with warmth, that represents what you’re actually experiencing.

“I felt dismissed when you picked up your phone while I was talking.”

“I’m saying yes to you tonight, but I want you to know I need to feel pursued, not just available.”

“When you made that joke in front of our friends, it landed on something tender.”

“I’m not fine. I don’t know exactly what I need yet, but I wanted you to know that.”

That’s it. One sentence.

You don’t need to have the whole conversation figured out. You don’t need to present a case. You just need to stop pretending you don’t feel what you feel.

Will it be comfortable? No.

Your nervous system will scream at you to take it back, soften it, laugh it off. That scream is not the voice of wisdom. It’s the voice of a protection strategy that has outlived its usefulness.

Will your husband respond perfectly? Probably not.

He might get defensive. He might go quiet. He might not know what to do with what you just said. That’s okay. His reaction is his to manage. Yours is yours.

The goal isn’t a perfect conversation. The goal is staying real. Because every time you choose honesty over silence, you build a muscle — the muscle of showing up as your full self in your most important relationship. And that muscle is the foundation of everything: deeper trust, real connection, and the kind of desire that doesn’t have to be manufactured because it grows naturally in the presence of two honest people.

The Peace That’s Actually Worth Having

There’s a difference between the peace that comes from avoiding conflict and the peace that comes from resolving it. The first one feels easier. The second one costs more.

But the second one is the only kind that leads somewhere worth going.

Your marriage doesn’t need you to be quieter. It needs you to be braver. Not the dramatic, blow-up-the-relationship kind of brave. The Tuesday-night, one-honest-sentence, I’m-going-to-trust-that-this-marriage-can-hold-my-truth kind of brave.

Go first. It will cost you the comfort of silence.

It’s worth it.

Dr. Corey Allan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the host of Sexy Marriage Radio, and the author of the forthcoming book Go First: It Will Cost You. It’s Worth It.

For a free Healthy Marriage Mini-Course, visit tinyurl.com/smrcoursehhh.

The post What “Keeping the Peace” Is Actually Costing You appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before I began speaking up about sex in marriage, I looked to see what resources were already out there. It was over 15 years ago that I hunted for books on the subject and came across four or five. Some of that content involved stereotypical assumptions and/or weren’t all that practical.

After I launched my website in December 2010, I discovered several others blogging on the topic—some of whom would go on to publish books. Now and then, another author would enter the arena with a book on sex, and then the speed of publications increased. Book after book after book about marital sex came out, and also social media content, podcasts, and online courses.

These days, we don’t lack for resources written by Christians that address sex in marriage. Why such a shift in such a short time?

We’re more comfortable talking about sex.

When my grandparents, my parents, and I grew up, sex simply wasn’t an open topic like it is in today’s culture. We had written and unwritten rules about what could be talked about publicly, aired on radio or TV, and shared in magazines or publications.

I’m not saying no one talked about sex. Of course they did! But there was scant sex education, sex-related statements or lyrics were often metaphoric, and most adults were hesitant at best to talk about sex with others.

Now, people are largely comfortable talking about everything from bodies, to masturbation, to sex toys, to fantasies and experiences. Often shared with words once considered profane or at least crass.

Given that the whole culture has shifted, it’s no wonder that Christians are also more comfortable talking about sex. Even if we speak more responsibly about it, it’s not that big a deal anymore to discuss it.

We had a lot we needed to correct.

The Church always has messages it needs to correct. There’s never been one era for which we could say, “They did Christianity right all the way around.” Just read the New Testament letters (aka epistles), and you’ll see how quickly and easily churches can mess up.

But in the area of sexuality, churches have failed a lot of people. Some grew up with silence so oppressive, they had no place to turn when they experienced trauma, betrayal, or simply confusion. Others soaked in the messages of Purity Culture, which often overemphasized abstinence to the point of missing redemption and preached a sexual prosperity gospel for those who waited until marriage. And then, there are the numerous sexual scandals in which we learned not only that there were predators among us, but that many of them had been protected and enabled by supposed spiritual leaders.

While the Christian resources out there didn’t promote sexual abuse, they often didn’t address it. They also didn’t address other situations spouses struggled with, such as sexual pain, pornography use, recovering from trauma, and higher desire wives and lower desire husbands.

Some messengers didn’t care that much about godly sexuality, but others did the best with what they knew and still got things wrong. We needed take a fresh look at God’s design for sexuality and create resources helped people navigate their challenges in a more informed, compassionate way.

We have more ways to communicate.

As a young person, what I learned about sex from Christians mostly came from my parents, my church, and my youth group. Once I was an adult, the Church actually talked less about sex, despite the expectations that we marrieds were having it.

But now, we have many ways to get the message across! No longer must we wait for the pastor to deliver an awkward sermon about God’s plan for sex or that one class in our church’s marriage course that mentions prioritizing “intimacy.”

In addition to books, we have websites, social media, search engines, and even AI (for those using it). We have videos on YouTube, podcasts on players, apps on our phone, and reels on Instagram and TikTok. I’ve participated in webinars, online conferences, and live Q&As.

With so many options, people with different teaching and learning styles can find a medium that works for them. Christians can, and should, make use of various tools to share the good news about Christ . . . and the good news about God’s plan for our sexuality.

We realized that sex sells.

Let’s be honest: many people will spend money in the pursuit of better sex. That can be a twisted thing, but it can be a good thing. For instance, when you buy my books! ~smile~ Actually, my point here is that Christian authors, businesses, and entrepreneurs figured out that this was an area ripe for sales.

Christian publishers that wouldn’t have touched a book with the word “vagina” in it twenty years ago are now happy to turn out several books on sex each year, because they expect to make money on them. Oh, and help people. I’m not saying they don’t want to help people, but they’re also trying to pay staff and turn profits.

Authors who previously wrote about marriage in general decided to jump on this train and put out a book on sex. Again, they likely did so to help people as well, but writing a book isn’t easy, so it’s motivating to know you can find an audience for it.

And plenty of others jumped into this space, believing that they could offer not only wisdom but get paid something for it. And they should get paid for their labor. As Jesus Christ himself cited, “the worker deserves his wages” (Luke 10:7).

Mind you, not everyone who has worked in this space has made a living. For instance, me. But that’s a story for another day. The story I’m sharing here is that there’s greater supply because there’s greater demand. As long as people are willing to pay for Christian sex resources, we’ll continue to get Christian sex resources.

We became willing to share our stories.

God redeemed my sex life. But I didn’t share my story widely for a long time. As I said on my blog: “While some people’s faith testimonies are easily proclaimed in public, my biggest witness is not. How do I admit in the middle of a Bible class that my Amazing Grace moment should be sung ‘that saved a wench like me’?”

I had good reason to believe that judgment and shame would be heaped upon me for past sins. I’d witnessed it happen to others and experienced it a bit myself. But an odd thing happened when I finally decided to step out and talk about it: Far more people thanked me for my candor than disparaged me for it. Yes, there were detractors, but most people were thirsty for openness and insight about sex.

Moreover, once a few people started talking about this topic—I definitely wasn’t alone in this!—more people felt free to share. And more and more and more.

We discovered and demonstrated that our testimonies matter. For God’s glory, for ourselves, and for others. As Psalm 66:16 says: “Come and hear, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me.” As we share our stories, we can “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).

For many of us, it’s not about being pro-sex as much as being pro-God. We wanted to highlight sex not for its own sake but so that more couples can experience the healing God can provide, the bonding that couples in Christ can have, and those glimpses of intimacy that God longs to have with us.

Have you witnessed a shift in how and how much Christians talk about sex?
What are your thoughts on the changes you’ve seen?

Quick Reminder to Wives

If you can help out my research project with Regent University, please complete our 20-minute survey!

Take the 20-minute Survey

The post What’s Behind the Boom in Christian Sex Resources? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

In my last post, 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To, I shared that I’m involved in a research study about married women’s sexual experiences and provided a link for wives to take our survey. And then, I found out the link wasn’t working. (Of course it wasn’t. Why should months of work culminate in everything going smoothly when we release the link? Sigh.)

Please Participate

If you were able to take the survey (the QR code presumably worked), thank you for doing that! If you tried but couldn’t reach it, the proper link is below. And if you didn’t click the link or scan the QR code, please do so! Here’s info about the study:

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

A Few Notes About Research

Having reported on many studies, and now helping with a study, I’ve learned a lot about how research is conducted. In a prior post, I noted The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research. But here’s a short list of research considerations:

• Sample. Quality research involves a representative sample (unless it’s a case study, which is different). For instance, in the work I do here, findings of a study of committed couples are more relevant than one of single college students.
• Purpose. Studies ask a question and then attempt to answer it. However, most of the time, researchers don’t tell you the specific question(s) they’re looking into because sharing their hypotheses ahead of time could influence participants’ responses.
• Measurement. A key question is how to measure whatever the researchers are looking for. In sex studies, researchers typically have people engage in sexual activities in a lab or fill out questionnaires (obviously, more people would prefer to do the latter). To reach credible outcomes, a measurement should be valid and reliable; that is, it measures what it says it measures and produces the same results when repeated under similar conditions.
  • Note: Some research uses more than one questionnaire previously established as valid and reliable, and the questionnaires may overlap. While it can feel weird to answer similar questions more than once, researchers usually can’t remove “repeats” because that would affect the validity and reliability of their findings.
• Confidentiality. Researchers should always tell you how the information you provide will be used and lay out how your private details will be protected.
• Institutional Review. Well-respected research normally goes through an institutional review process, meaning those conducting the study submit the why and how of their research to an expert board to make sure everything’s on the up and up. If the board finds any problems, they can and should request changes.
• Participants’ Rights. Participants should have the right to opt out at any time and also be made aware of where and how to report any concerns or complaints.

If you want to know more about how research involving humans should unfold, check out the US Department of Health & Human Services page About Research Participation. The World Health Organization also has information about conducting human research ethically.

One More Time

If you’re willing, wives, please take 20 minutes and complete our survey. Here are the link and QR code again. Thank you!

The post A Call to Wives to Help Our Research (w/an updated link) appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Way back in the 1950s and 1960s, the duo of William Masters and Virginia Johnson began conducting research experiments about sexual arousal and climax. They were groundbreakers for sure, but their participant pool and methods skewed the results a bit. Thankfully, scientists have improved their approach since then, and we now have some fairly good studies that tell us a lot about how our bodies function and our relationships flourish.

Of course, not all studies can be trusted and/or widely applied. For instance, finding out how single college students approach sex won’t tell you that much about how middle-aged couples married for decades approach sex. And certainly, some researchers go in with a biased viewpoint and use methods—often unintentionally but still—which influence the results.

Today, I thought I’d share some of my favorite findings from sex research. But first, I need to ask for your help with an important study that I’m involved in. Please, wives, consider participating! Just click the button or scan the QR code below to get to the survey.

Regent University’s Cherish research team invites married adult women to take part in an important study on women’s thoughts and feelings around their sexual experience. Participation involves completing a confidential 20-minute online survey. Your privacy will be fully respected and you may choose to opt out at any point; if you choose to participate, more information will be given with regard to informed consent. Your responses will help shed light on an area of women’s health that is often underrepresented in research. By joining, you will be contributing to meaningful insights that can improve awareness, resources, and future care for women. Your voice matters, and your voluntary participation can make a real difference. Please contact abigwi3@regent.edu if you have any questions.

Please remember to take that survey! In the meantime, here are four favorite research findings I’ve come back to again and again.

Sexual Desire Isn’t About Being “In the Mood”

Those sex research pioneers, Masters and Johnson, proposed a sexual response cycle that included excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Everyone they studied showed up to have sex or masturbate, so they weren’t really looking much into what sparks desire. Rather, for a very long time, the notion was that you felt in the mood, then you headed into those four stages of sexual interaction. But a lot of spouses reported not feeling in the mood, like maybe ever.

Hats off to Dr. Rosemary Basson who dug deeper and realized that we were missing a huge chunk by focusing on those who independently, or “spontaneously” experienced sexual desire. Many people’s sexual interest is more responsive. That is, they might start in on excitement—engaging in actions that stir arousal—and thus awaken their sexual desire.

This shift is understanding can be HUGE for some spouses and couples! Did you think you were broken because you didn’t want sex like your husband or wife did? Maybe it’s just that you get into it after it starts. Did you feel rejected because your spouse never seemed to be in the mood? That doesn’t mean they don’t desire you or sex; they just need some other stuff to happen first. Have you been at odds with each other because your sexual interest works differently? What if you learned to appreciate your differences and figured out how to get both of you fully engaged?

Intercourse Isn’t the Best Way for Her to Climax

Speaking of researchers, Sigmund Freud had problems. Including his insistence that clitoral orgasms were inferior and immature, while vaginal ones were superior and mature. We now know that all orgasms emanate from the clitoris—some from direct stimulation of the bulb (the part at the top of her vulva you’re likely most aware of) and some from indirect stimulation of the wishbone-shaped clitoris (which can produce what feels deeper, or “vaginal”). And one climax isn’t better than another. You might prefer one more than another, but they all count.

Indeed, research has shown that many women don’t regularly climax from intercourse. Some simply can’t. And that’s okay. As Song of Songs says, “at [your] door is every delicacy” (7:13). That is, you have options.

One wonderful study shared about the “Golden Trio.” These are the three actions most likely to lead a wife to reach climax, and they are genital stimulation, oral sex, and/or deep kissing. So if you want the wife to reach that peak of pleasure, aim for one or more of those actions. If you want the orgasm to arrive during intercourse, add genital stimulation or deep kissing during that part. Or simply go for a second one for her with intercourse after she’s reached her climax in a different way.

Wear Your Socks to Bed!

Have you heard of serendipitous discoveries? It’s when someone is studying one thing and discovers something different. For instance, Alexander Fleming was studying staphylococcal bacteria when mold contaminated a Petri dish and the bacteria around died. “Wait a minute,” Fleming said (more or less) and discovered penicillin, the first antibiotic. Percy Spencer was working on radar magnetrons when a chocolate bar in his pocket melted. “Wonder what would happen if I tried popcorn,” he thought . . . and the microwave oven was born. Then there’s sildenafil, a drug originally tested as a treatment for angina. It didn’t work well for the heart, but travel 18 or so inches down and it was quite effective! Don’t know what sildenafil is? It’s the generic name for Viagra.

Likewise, some researchers in The Netherlands were looking at brain scans during orgasm to see which parts light up and which turn off. They published the scan findings but noticed something else worth reporting: Both men and women reached orgasm more easily while wearing socks. And it wasn’t a small effect. Couples who kept their feet cozy had a 30% increase in climax.

It’s no guarantee, but why not try wearing your socks to your next lovemaking session? Not having cold feet could make other places heat up more easily.

Sexual Growth Really Can Happen

One of the most damaging beliefs one can have about sex in marriage is that you’re either compatible or not. Having this attitude can lead one to try out various lovers before marriage, looking for The One that they enjoy sexually the most—when that isn’t the best way to choose a partner and adds sexual baggage you both may need to deal with later. It also allows people to excuse their stubbornness and unwillingness to change. After all, if that’s just who you are, then there’s no point in even trying. And it soaks us in a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. If you’re married to someone you’re simply not sexually compatible with, then it’s never going to change and you have to live with the tension and despair for the rest of your life. Or divorce and find someone you are sexually compatible with—at least until you hit a speedbump in that relationship.

Sexual compatibility has been talked about a lot, but it’s not evidence-based. Marriages have seasons. Sexual problems can be resolved. Plenty of people change. But they have to ditch that fixed mindset and adopt a malleable perspective regarding sexual desire and satisfaction.

Across multiple studies from 2017–2021, researchers consistently found that believing sexual intimacy can grow and develop is linked to better outcomes. Growth beliefs were associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction, greater sexual desire for both partners, healthier coping with sexual problems, lower rejection sensitivity, and even lower problematic pornography use. Meanwhile, fixed or “destiny” beliefs were tied to lower satisfaction, more conflict, more anxiety and depression, and more negative coping responses. One study also found that, without reinforcement, the benefits of a growth mindset fade over time, suggesting that we have to intentionally nurture this perspective.

One way to do that is to stay close to God—His Word, prayer, worship—because one core message of our faith is that He brings restoration and transformation. Also look for marriage resources that promote nurturing your relationship, including your sexual intimacy.

Quality research reveals God’s design for sex. Sex was God’s idea, and He made it to be an intimate experience between husband and wife. But of course, we live in a fallen world, so not everyone is experiencing that right now. It’s important to remain in His Word to understand His plan, but we can also get at God’s truth through well-conducted research. Which is why I want to remind all wives again to please complete the 20-minute survey described above. Here are that link and QR code again. Thanks!

Related Posts: Fun Findings about Sex, What Research Says You Need for Better Sex, The “Golden Trio” That Could Bring Her to Orgasm, 4 Research-Based Tips for Better Sex, 4 Curious Findings from Sex Research, The Perks and Pitfalls of Sex Research, Embrace a Sexual Growth Mindset, Volunteer for Marital Intimacy Research Today

The post 4 Sex Research Findings I Keep Coming Back To appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

It’s already February, and this is only my second post of the year! But we greeted January with illness in our house, an unusual snow and ice event (for Texas), and my husband having knee replacement surgery.

While he was in the hospital recovery room, the nurse went through discharge instructions with me. She covered things like no bathing but showers are okay, keep the dressing on until the doctor removes it at the post-op appointment, full pelvic rest so no intercourse for four weeks, follow the medication schedule as prescrib—

“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” I interrupted. “You brushed right over that. Can we back up?”

She gave me a sheepish smile.

“Four weeks?” I whisper-shrieked. “I knew it would be a little bit of time, but FOUR WEEKS?!”

Good Reasons to Not Have Sex

For fifteen years, I’ve iterated and reiterated good reasons to have sex. It’s a part of marriage that helps to distinguish it from other relationships. It feels good (and if it doesn’t, please read more or my site or seek help because it’s supposed to). It yields health benefits. It can result in wonderful tiny humans that unsettle our nerves but capture our hearts forever. It builds intimacy between husband and wife. It reflects the kind of connection God (our husband) wants to have with His followers (His bride).

I’m definitely pro-sex in marriage.

But I’ve also learned that there are times when you shouldn’t be having sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 notes that you may want to take a break to devote yourselves to prayer; that is, a sex fast on par with food fasts that God’s people have done for centuries to focus more time on God. The Old Testament also commanded a break from sexual activity during menstruation and after childbirth. We’re not under the same ritual restrictions today, but those laws show that God was in favor of a couple not having sex when one’s health was at risk.*

My husband’s knee surgery certainly counts as a health issue, but four weeks is hardly the longest we’ve gone without. We were sex-free for four months while I was carrying our second child, a high-risk pregnancy that warranted no pelvic activity to keep me from going into too-early labor. Other couples have stopped sexual encounters during cancer treatment, while experiencing chronic illness, or to address sexual pain. (If you’re having sexual pain, please listen to this podcast episode and this one.)

There’s also the emotional health aspect. Most couples should pause sexual activity while dealing with past trauma or recent betrayal. You may need time and space to process what’s happened and build greater safety before reintroducing sexual intimacy.

And if a spouse is having mental health issues—depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc.—they may need a break from sex while they tackle those issues.

Once the health issue passes, a spouse can return to the sexual relationship with greater peace, more confidence, and a higher ability to bond with their spouse.

Sexual Desire Doesn’t Go Away

Well, sexual desire might not be a pressing issue for one of you, but the other one often still feels a desire to sexually connect. Obviously, I was planning to jump my husband’s bones well before four weeks post-surgery. You may have gone through a season when sex reasonably couldn’t happen and yet felt strong urges.

It’s not surprising. Indeed, that verse mentioned above, 1 Corinthians 7:5, suggests that after a sex fast for the purpose of focused prayer, the couple come together again, in part to avoid temptation. Sure, some individuals aren’t that sex-driven, but the apostle Paul recognizes that it’s not uncommon to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Because yeah, God created us as sexual beings.

Even if the goal is a worthy one—prayer, health, relational trust—it can be difficult to wait. And wait. And wait.

When Sex Is Off the Table

So what do you do with your sexual interest when sex can’t happen? Here are a few options.

Do Other Sexual Stuff

After my protest to the discharge nurse about four weeks of no intercourse, I turned to my husband and muttered, “Well, there’s still your hand.”

Depending on why you’re not having intercourse, you might have other sexual activities open to you. Perhaps a hand job for him, manual play for her, or oral sex for either is an option. If so, savor what’s still available to you.

Rebuild Your Relationship

If no sexual stuff is happening, look at this time as an opportunity to invest in your friendship and study your spouse more deeply. Get curious about who she or he is, ask questions and listen to their answers, work on the struggles you’re facing, romance your spouse like you used to, and become the person they can turn to, trust, and rely on.

Invest in Other Forms of Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is only one type of intimacy we can have in marriage. I happen to write and speak about this particular aspect, but there’s also emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy that isn’t sex. Find ways to foster these bonds with your spouse. Share your heart. Talk about what you’ve read or what you’re thinking. Do fun things together. Study the Bible and/or pray together. Show affection through hand-holding, hugs, snuggling, and kissing.

Remind Yourself It’s a Season

To those spouses in truly sexless marriages, my heart aches for you (and please see my series for you). But for many couples, a time of no-sex lasts only a season. It can be endured. Reminding yourself that it won’t last forever and you will be back at it again soon can help you make it through the rough period of abstinence.

I marked the date on my planner when Spock (logical hubby’s nickname) and I can engage again. I even added a sticker that reads “Do Something Amazing!” Knowing that an amazing time will be happening helps me to hang on. You can hang on too.

Have you ever had to go without for a while?
How did you handle your no-sex season?

* Infections are more likely to occur when the cervix is open, which occurs during menstruation and for about two weeks after childbirth.

The post It’s Hard to Write About Sex When You’re Not Having Any appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Couples often struggle to discuss sex, or other issues in their marriage, because they approach communication differently. Today, I want to address a particular communication hang-up—the frustration many a husband has when his wife expects him to pick up on what she wants based on hints, clues, and open-ended questions.

Now I’ve have explained to wives why they should be more straightforward with the men in their lives, but I also think it’s helpful for husbands to hear from a woman that your wife isn’t trying to be difficult but rather behaving in a way that makes sense to her. Because men and women tend to send and receive messages in distinct ways.

A quick reminder: When we talk about how men and women tend to do something, it doesn’t mean you or your spouse fit the typical. Please use generalizations as a launching point for conversation with your mate. The question “Is this true for you?” can be especially helpful in figuring out how you each function and how you can better understand and support one another.

Here are some common male and female differences in communication.

Assertive vs. Polite

Have you heard of “nice girl syndrome”? It’s a real thing, believe me. If you are too straightforward or blunt as a woman, you get labeled a, well, a word that rhymes with “ditch.” And that’s about how you get treated too. Women socialize one another to be polite more than assertive, sweet more than strong, “nice” more than bold.

Growing up in the church, one of the verses I heard most was: “Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4). “Gentle and quiet” was often conveyed as “don’t speak your mind.” So having to say something straight out can actually feel like being too pushy, even unfeminine or ungodly.

Status vs. Connection

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., linguist and author of You Just Don’t Understand Me: Women and Men in Conversation, has studied gender communication extensively, and she makes the point that men’s conversational rituals are often about exchanging information and negotiating status, while women’s conversations tend to be about building and maintaining relationships.

By our very nature, women’s goal in communication is to understand each other better. We often think that should be your goal too — so why aren’t you trying just as hard to figure us out as we try to figure you out? It’s not a shell game we’re playing; it’s a relational dance we learned while growing up and playing with other girls.

Direct vs. Indirect

One research study about communication differences in the workplace had participants identify strengths and weaknesses in one another. Women said that men were “overly blunt and direct,” while men said that women were “meandering—won’t get to the point.”

Okay, but if the point for her is to build relationships, then just cutting through all the red tape and saying, “I want X” feels like a cheat. To her, the conversation becomes transactional rather than relational. So there’s a reason she’s being indirect, because the point is, again, getting to know each other and showing you understand each other.

Us vs. Them

There’s a real debate in the research about whether women are better at detecting emotions than men. More studies have said yes, others have said no, but one interesting finding from two separate studies was that women read women better and men read men better.

Which means that sometimes we think we’re broadcasting an emotion that he should be able to get, because our girlfriends all see it. Sure, we should know better, but people instinctively do this — expect that how we view things is how others view them. What helps is to become aware of findings like this and recognize that you have to ask, clarify, and confirm your understanding with each other.

Straightforward vs. Subtle

Research has supported what many of us women have also experienced: we pick up on subtlety better than our male counterparts. While men and women are equal in identifying full-blown facial expressions, women are better able to recognize less intense expressions.

God may have hardwired this one, since many women consider this ability key to good mothering. As nurturers, we often need to look at our child and quickly determine what he or she needs. But that also means we can (erroneously) think you in turn can figure out our subtlety.

There you go—several common differences in how men and women communicate.

Of course, communication shouldn’t be all on her terms, or yours. But when we understand that these differences are kind of built into the system, we can at least give ourselves a break for not understanding each other right away and make the effort to put ourselves in one another’s shoes, or brains, as best we can. So that we can communicate well in marriage—whatever the topic.

Related Post: When Women and Men Struggle to Communicate

Sources

• Science Daily – Science Daily – Women Outperform Men When Identifying Emotions
• NY Daily News – NY Daily News – Men have harder time reading women’s emotions: study
• Deborah Tannen – Deborah Tannen – gender specific language rituals
• Forbes – Forbes – Is Your Communication Style Dictated By Your Gender?
• Yes! Magazine – Yes! Magazine – Women Are Better At Expressing Emotions, Right? Why It’s Not That Simple
• PubMed.gov – PubMed.gov – Expression intensity, gender and facial emotion recognition: Women recognize only subtle facial emotions better than men

This article first appeared as a guest post on The Generous Husband as Why She Communicates the Way She Does (and It May Not Be What You Think) on June 5, 2018. It has been updated and edited for my readers.

The post When He Wants Straight Talk and She Wants—What DOES She Want? appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

Before we jump into the topic, I want to remind you that I’m having a sale on three of my books right now. You can get signed paperbacks for ONLY $5 each, and that includes shipping. Make sure to order what you want before I run out!

Christmas is over, and the New Year looms. For some, that means setting new goals. Others disagree that January 1—”just a date on the calendar”—should prompt us to reconsider our plans. While I respect the naysayers’ take, I find this to be a good time to reassess where I’ve been and where I’m going.

Rather than come up with a long list of goals, however, I typically choose a single word to guide my year. And I’ve written about the one-word approach several times:

• Resolution Week: What’s Your “One Word” for Your Marriage?
• My One Word for 2022 (and What It Means for My Ministry)
• My One Word for 2023, and 8 Quick Tips for Finding Yours
• Our One (Sex) Word for 2025

Choosing a single word to guide you is a common approach, but there are plenty of others. Whether you use them at the New Year or another time, it can be helpful to set some goals for yourself and/or your marriage.

Goal-Setting Approaches

What are the options? Let’s look at a few.

SMART Goals. With this strategy, make however many goals you want but be sure they are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For instance, instead of jotting down, “I want our marriage to thrive,” write something like: “We will go on a date at least once every two weeks in 2026.” It’s specific, measurable, achievable (depending on your situation), relevant to having a thriving marriage, and time-bound—though one would hope you enjoy it so much, you continue the practice.

Start / Stop / Continue. Identify habits or projects to begin, to let go of, or to keep doing. I’ve done this with my work life and found it very helpful to assess where I am, what I want, what needs to give, and what is worth my ongoing effort.

Life Wheel. A life wheel is a chart that shows key life areas, and you make goals within each area. I personally like the 8 Dimensions of Wellness, with growth areas being physical, intellectual, emotional, social, spiritual, occupational, financial, and environmental.

Vision Board. With a vision board, you collect images, words, or symbols to display what you hope to experience or cultivate in the year ahead. You can put them on an actual board, a One Note page, a sketch pad, or wherever you want. Your board might include a picture of someone jogging (if you want to exercise more), photos of faraway destinations (if you want to travel), examples of beautiful bedrooms (if you want to redecorate), a graphic of an open Bible (if you want to read more Scripture), and so on.

Color. I only recently heard about this one—people choosing a color to represent the tone you want for the year. Maybe that would work for you! Would you prefer a calm blue? A cheery yellow? A bold red? Or maybe something very specific like muted teal or apricot cream to get just the feel you want? You could also go with a full palette. (Check out this cool palette generator: Coolors.)

One Word. Choose a single word to guide your mindset, priorities, and decisions. Some words I’ve heard include health, focus, yes, peace, and surrender. You can find more tips and inspiration from One Word For 2026: How to Choose Yours (Plus 236 Ideas) — Sweet PlanIt.

Phrase or Motto. Instead of one word, select a short phrase to represent how you want to show up this coming year. Want examples? “Slow progress is still progress” can remind you to appreciate how far you’ve come and keep going. “Be faithful in the small things” can help you focus on everyday kindness and godliness. “Stay in the moment” might be exactly what some of you need to relax and enjoy time spent in nature, with children, or in the arms of your spouse. Plenty of mottos are out there, or you can make up your own.

Scripture. Find a Bible verse or passage to meditate on throughout the year and to guide you. There are so many possibilities! You might have one already in mind, look in your Bible for a verse/passage that really fits where you are now, or discover the right option with posts like Top 101 Encouraging Bible Verses to Inspire You | Bible Study Tools.

My One Word

As previously stated, choosing one word is my favorite approach, because it’s simple, broad, and flexible. That said, I actually changed my word a few months into 2025—from open to enough. Open was supposed to guide me to be more open to experiences, but I learned after some helpful sessions with a spiritual coach that what I really needed was to let go of feeling like I had to do All The Things. I needed to remember that sometimes I have done enough, that I am enough, and that when I’m not enough, it’s still okay because God is more than enough.

I embraced my one word so heartily that I got a bracelet with it and haven’t taken it off since I put it on. (Thank you, Etsy.)

Although I will take it off and replace it soon with my word for 2026: serve. Why serve? Because that’s the season I’m in. In the course of this past year, I have:

• Visited my aging, Alzheimer’s stricken mother several times (five hours away)—not sure how much longer she’ll be with us.
• Walked with a dear friend as she made the difficult, but well-warranted, decision to leave her marriage.
• Welcomed my son and his fiancée back to our no-longer-empty nest so they could return to college and avoid debt.
• Traveled to see my sister (three hours away) and sit at her bedside as she recovered from two serious strokes and an emergency brain surgery.

And in 2026, I’ll be caring for my husband for several weeks after a much-needed knee replacement surgery in January and then providing childcare from time to time after my first grandchild is born in February.

It’s a lot, y’all. And I’ve had moments of overwhelm. But then I remember: “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). No one’s asking me to be flogged and die on a cross but simply to be there for my loved ones in need. Not only can I do that, but I can do it with joy.

Though the one-word reminder helps.

What Season Are You In?

Whatever goal-setting approach you use, pause and ask what’s going on in your life? Where do you need to focus? What about your marriage and sexual intimacy? (You knew I’d get to that topic eventually!)

Do you need to invest more time in connection with one another? Better understand your sensuality? Address body image issues?

Do you need to say “enough!” to the mental load and emotional labor you’ve been carrying in your marriage? Set boundaries with your spouse regarding sexual frequency and repertoire? Finally break free from your porn and/or erotica habit?

Do you need to learn better communication skills? Speak each other’s love language more? Increase your sexual savvy?

Do you need to be okay with a lapse in the intimacy you’d love to have, because that’s where your life is right now? (God knows Spock and I haven’t had as much sex as we’d like in the last few months.) Do you need to cast a someday vision of what you want life to be like when you get through your current hardship?

Do you need to go to counseling? (I recommend Aldrich Ministries Coaching Network or Better Help.) Attend a marriage event? (Check out Intimate Covenant’s annual retreat.) Read a book together? (Faves include God, Sex, and Your Marriage by Juli Slattery; Secrets of Sex and Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn & Dr. Michael Sytsma; and, of course, my resources.) Take a marriage course? (Such as The Gottman Institute’s Art and Science of Love or Awesome Marriage’s Sex Course, in which I’m a contributor.)

Where are you now? Where do you want to be? And what’s the next step?

Choosing a word, a vision, a plan, etc. can clarify what you truly desire for your life, your marriage, your sexuality, and how to get there.

Are you a goal-setter? What goals do you have for yourself and your marriage in the New Year?

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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