Tag Archives: aging and sexuality

Two Words That Could Change the Course of Sex in Your Marriage

I’ve written before about two words I tell husbands over and over and two words higher-drive spouses need to hear. While I think those words are important, there are two other words that many marriages need. If you’re unhappy with the sexual intimacy in your marriage, I truly believe they could change the course of sex in your marriage.

And the two words are: I’m sorry.

Couple in bed, facing away from each other + blog post title

When marriages face problems and challenges in their physical intimacy, there is often a storehouse of hurt in one or both spouses. Even if the issues are external or involve sexual baggage brought into the marriage, when our husbands react poorly to what’s going on, we can feel rejected, attacked, abandoned, or misused. Our hurt feelings are harbored in our hearts and weigh us down.

Logically, we might know we should act differently to resolve our issues. Our husbands may know that as well. But we’re both steeped in personal pain that extends beyond whatever’s going on today. He asks for sex, and she’s reminded of all the times he ignored her emotions and pursued his own pleasure. She rejects his advance, and he feels the burden of all the previous refusals. He wants her to wear revealing lingerie, and she feels the pang of his previous porn use. And on and on.

It could be something large or small, but we feel these slights. And oftentimes, we don’t recognize the hurt we’ve caused our spouse with our words and actions. Maybe it was something we did or said that came across in a way we didn’t even intend.

But the hurt is there, it’s real, and it’s affecting sexual intimacy. Or really, just intimacy in your marriage.

What needs to happen? So many marriages need to start with those two words: I’m sorry.

  • I’m sorry I used porn/erotica.
  • I’m sorry I overlooked your sexual needs.
  • I’m sorry I demanded acts you weren’t comfortable with.
  • I’m sorry I assumed you didn’t love me emotionally when you pursued me physically.
  • I’m sorry I stopped touching you to avoid sex.
  • I’m sorry I pressured you and didn’t wait for our wedding night.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t listen.
  • I’m sorry I yelled.

How many of you in your marriages are longing to hear those two simple words from your spouse? I’m sorry.

Of course, that wouldn’t solve everything, but a genuine apology could change the course of your sexual intimacy — demonstrate that your spouse loves and respects you, renew hope for something better, begin to heal wounds long festering in your heart.

What if your spouse needs to hear those words from you?

Let’s face it: Plenty of us are reading this post and thinking, “This is exactly what my husband needs to do — apologize to me!” After all, if he’s 90% of the problem . . .

But I encourage to think about that. Even assuming he is 90% of the problem, you likely didn’t handle something well. You have your own issues that have hampered progress. Perhaps you even enabled his behavior in some way, not pursuing what was good but what was easy.

Almost everyone has some blame they should own up to. And it may be more than you’ve admitted to yourself, or to him.

Step away from the marital bedroom, sit down for a heart-to-heart conversation, and apologize for whatever you’ve done that has muddied the waters of your physical intimacy. It may be the two words your spouse craves, and it could set a new course for sexual intimacy in your marriage.

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).

Getting Older, Having Sex

Everyone over 30 understands the quote “Youth is wasted on the young” by George Bernard Shaw.  I look at flat-tummy teenage girls who actually look good in skinny jeans and think, “Good luck with that in twenty years!”

Of course, some of them will still look fabulous.  (Demi Moore is beyond explanation.)  But they won’t look like they did when they were 20.  And more importantly, they won’t feel like they did then either.

So how does getting older affect your sex life?  Here are a few things that can get out of whack as we age.

Joints.  It simply isn’t as easy to get into certain positions once your joints begin to break down.  In fact, at some point not all the groaning is due to sexual pleasure; some of it is from the effort of body movement.  Still, groaning is groaning. I’ll take it.

Aching muscles.  The other day, my husband and I found a bit of humor when I asked him to rub my naked body with Ben-Gay instead of massage oil.  My, how it changes over the years!  Yet, we chuckled; he took care of my tired muscles; and the end result was a great session of intimate lovemaking nonetheless.

Longer to get aroused.  Like an older model car, it can take longer to get everything revved up.  So what!  This simply means that you can take more time to explore one another’s bodies and heat up the engines.  The hotrod still makes it around the track, you know.

Lower frequency.  Most men desire sex a bit less as they age because it takes the body more time to replenish sperm.  Also, women can take longer to lubricate as their hormones change over the years.  So maybe 2-3 times a week instead of 2-3 times a day is your preference; or less than that.  But you can spend just as much time in physical intimacy if you take longer to make love.  For instance, if before you had five 15-minute sessions per week, that’s 75 minutes.  Now you might make love three times a week, but take 25 minutes each time.  Like I said, same amount of lovemaking.

Stuff sags.  A female friend of mine once apologized to her husband that her breasts were sagging as she aged, to which he responded, “I don’t care as long as they sag near me.”  So what if you’ve got love handles!  They are called love handles for a reason!  If you’ve forged a fabulous intimate relationship, your honey should desire you from top to bottom, even as it is all moving in that direction.

I have to admit that I am not quite far enough into the aging process to know what else is going to go.  I wonder if it isn’t God’s blessing that just as we start to sag and wrinkle everywhere, our vision starts to go too.  After all, will my honey really see how prunish I’ve become over the years, or will I look as beautiful to him as ever as he squints to focus?

But I plan to be having sex with my husband until the day I die.  In my old age, I hope the nursing home catches us visiting each other for a little nighttime nooky and issues severe warnings about what we’re doing to one another’s heart rates!  Wrinkled and creaking though he may be, I will always look at my husband as my intimate bed partner — the one who makes my heart race at 25, 55, and 85.

And if I die in the sack, oh well.  As many have said, what a way to go!

Will you still need me

Will you still feed me

When I’m sixty-four?

– Lennon/McCartney

My, how it changes over the years!