Tag Archives: kissing in marriage

5 Kisses You Need to Master

I don’t think couples kiss enough in marriage. I’ve written about this before: You’re Not Kissing Enough. But today I want to make sure your repertoire is sufficient to have a great kissing experience with your spouse.

Since it’s High Five Saturday, let’s talk about five different kisses you need to master for your marriage.

Blog post title + illustration of lips

1. The Peck

Chaste, quick, friendly — I’m not sure how you’d describe this one. But all couples need to be able to share a quick peck as a reminder of their connection. It’s the perfect choice for when you’re in a hurry to get to work, when you’re in a family friendly setting, or when you just ate fish and you know your husband hates the smell of fish so you’re trying to spare him. (Okay, that last scenario is autobiographical.)

Make sure your peck is just that: a nice pucker delivered without too much fanfare, but different from what you’d give your mother. Soften your lips a little at the meeting of your mouths and linger for a moment. Add a smile as you pull away to show that you like kissing your spouse — even with pecks.

2. The Soft Kiss

Closed, pliant lips touching and lingering … that’s the good stuff of a nice soft kiss. This is my personal favorite, because it’s a tender and teasing experience. A soft kiss can lead to more fun things, or simply remain a beautiful kiss in and of itself. It’s like the start of a series or a stand-alone — good either way.

Most important tip? Keep your lips flexible. Allow your mouths to mold together by making sure you’re not puckering or flattening your lips too much. Linger longer, a few seconds. You can also do a series of soft kisses to lead up to more passionate kissing.

3. The French Kiss

Ooh La La! Many consider the French kiss to be the pinnacle of puckering. You’re basically giving your mouths over to one another, open and interacting. Lips mashed up together, tongues tangling, hearts pounding. Yeah, this kiss is pretty passionate.

Let your tongue tease and explore, but remember it’s not on a digging mission. Don’t shove your tongue in so far that your spouse feels like a victim in Invasion of the Mouth Snatcher. You can take the lead, but share the experience, working your mouths together like a delicate dance.

4. That Favorite Spot

Some of the best kisses involve the mouth of one spouse and a place other than the mouth on their mate. What is your spouse’s favorite spot to be kissed? Where do your lips drive them wild?

For some, it’s the neck. For others, behind the ear. It could be along the shoulder, down the torso, or moving up the inner thigh. Somewhere on your beloved’s body is a place they would love to be kissed. Ask where that is, and go to it. Use the soft kiss and your tongue to tease and delight that special, sensitive spot.

5. The Text Kiss

Since I don’t want to leave you in an uptight frenzy (in case your spouse isn’t near enough to kiss), I figured I’d close with the text kiss.

When you’re away from each other, you can still send the sentiment of a kiss through a text message! In fact, you have several options:

  • Go with the old standby of XXX or XOXO (kisses or kisses & hugs).
  • Send an emoji with a kissing face. Like this: Kissing Face With Closed Eyes on Samsung Experience 8.5 (Galaxy Note 8)
  • Use a word that means kissing, such as mwah!
  • Take a picture of yourself puckered up and send it through text.
  • Download Bitmoji, make your avatar, and then use one of the kissing images. Here’s one of mine!

Avatar of me, with word "KISSES" and a lipsticked mouth underneath

That’s it! Five kisses you should become your spouse’s personal expert on.

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Also, I have a whole chapter on kissing with many more tips in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, on sale only through Valentine’s Day. Make sure you get your copy!

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You’re Not Kissing Enough

Not too long ago, I had an interesting conversation with a few other wives. The topic of discussion was What Happened to Kissing?!

The general consensus was that once men got married and knew that kissing could lead to really good stuff (yay, sex!), they seemed to want to skip smooching and aim for their real target from the get-go. And these ladies were, understandably, disappointed.

Now I’m not here to bash men. Plenty of guys enjoy kissing too. And this was hardly a statistical sample of wives from which I could draw firm conclusions about marriages in general. But I’d be willing to bet my cat — who likes me least among everyone in the family, but I digress — that most marriages could use a lot more kissing.

You're Not Kissing EnoughKissing is one of the romantic activities that too often falls by the wayside in the busyness of our lives and the settling in of our marriages.

Why should you be kissing more?

Health Benefits. Practically speaking, there are health benefits to kissing. Among the perks are lowered blood pressure, easing of cramps or headache pain, facial muscle toning, and cavity-fighting. And contrary to the opinion some might have out there, kissing actually boosts your immune system by introducing your mate’s “germs” to you in small, manageable doses that build up your ability to fight off illness later.

Body Chemicals. Kissing also releases several body chemicals that increase sexual desire and bond you to your beloved. Dopamine triggers the reward system in our brain; endorphins give us a joyful buzz; phenylethylamine has an aphrodisiac effect; adrenaline energizes you; and oxytocin makes you feel more attached to your kiss-mate. In addition, men transfer some testosterone to their wives when they swap saliva which helps to fuel her sex drive. And if that isn’t enough, we also release pheromones, which are attraction chemicals that we, more or less, “sniff out” with each other. All those body effects gives us happy feelings about the experience, our partner, and the potential for sex later.

Intimacy-building. Beyond the biology, kissing builds relationship. The experience of kissing requires us to be face-to-face, even eye-to-eye, which is a very intimate posture. Up close, we’re also engaging our olfactory senses, and smell is the sense most tied to memory. Indeed, a research study showed that people had better recall of their first kiss than their first sexual intercourse. And it’s a personal expression of yourself that has so many variations. Putting your lips together is a lot like a dance, with you having to adjust to one another’s moves to make things work smoothly. It forces you to move in rhythm with your partner.

Love expression. Song of Songs begins with this verse: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” This biblical wife links the experience of kissing with knowing how delightful her husband’s love is. This theme is strongly represented in our literature, entertainment, and culture as well. Just think about the amazing kisses from novels you’ve read or movies you’ve seen or even weddings you’ve attended, and how you walked away thinking, “Wow, they’re really into each other.” Or think back to one of your favorite kisses with your husband and how that made you feel. Did you get the tingles? Feel warmth spread through your body? Experience a swell of love in your heart?

Do the genders differ?

Let me return quickly to my original conversation with those wives, who were wishing their husbands would get the memo and bring back some passionate kissing to their marriage. While I didn’t have a statistical sample, one research study indicated that men really do view kissing differently from women. On the whole, of course.

“Males tended to kiss as a means to an end — to gain sexual favors or to reconcile. In contrast, females kiss to establish and monitor the status of their relationship, and to assess and periodically update the level of commitment on the part of a partner” (University at Albany, A Kiss is Still a Kiss — or is it?).

If you’re a guy reading this post, let me break it down for you the way men often like things said — no hints, no frills, to the point. If you want your wife to feel confident of your love, secure in your marriage, and stirred up sexually, you’d better get to kissing her. And kissing her the way she likes to be kissed. None of that slurp-up-her-lips stuff. Y’all know what I’m talking about: Woo her with your mouth. I believe completely in your ability to sweep your lady off her feet with some sexy, sexy kissing. And will it lead to sex? You might get lucky right then and there. But you might not; rather, you might slowly nurture the romance and excitement in your marriage in ways that will pay dividends in your relationship and in your bedroom in the future. Besides, you might find out that kissing for the sake of kissing is pretty awesome after all.

What’s stopping you from kissing more?

Once you understand the benefits, what more do you need to start kissing again in your marriage? I think you need three things:

Commitment. Prioritize kissing in your marriage. Make it a habit for a while, even a goal. Like you could say, “We’re going to kiss for several seconds every day when we get home.” After a little while, you probably won’t need to think about it. You’ll just enjoy it enough to do it automatically.

Time. We often feel so in a hurry that we don’t take time for little things like kissing. It seems like an optional activity, so it doesn’t happen as much as it once did. But what if you devoted just five minutes a day to kissing? Could you find five minutes? Make time.

Communication. Some of you aren’t even sure you want to kiss more. Because if kissing is like a dance, your husband is constantly stepping all over your feet, so to speak. Basically, the kissing isn’t that terrific. Here’s where you both need to speak up and talk about what makes a great kiss. Be positive about asking for changes in what he’s been doing, but offer what really curls your toes. Tutor each other, practice often, become experts.

Now what do you think? Are you kissing enough in your marriage?

Sources: CNN – 8 health benefits of kissing; Web MD – What’s So Great About Kissing?Men’s Fitness – Kissing Helps Boost Your Immune System; Sparkly Science – The science behind kissing: 10 things that happen when we kiss; Daily Mail – You’re more likely to remember your first kiss than losing your virginity

What Wives Are Missing in Marital Intimacy

What are wives missing in their physical intimacy? That is, what do they wish they had a lot more of with their husbands?

What Wives Are Missing in Marital IntimacyI had a surprising conversation this past weekend with some married women about this very topic. These wives are relatively happy with the sexual intimacy in their marriages, but we all agreed that one thing had died down way too much in the many years since we’d said I do. What was that one thing? Kissing. And these aren’t the only wives I’ve heard that from.

Sometimes it feels like our guys wooed us really good before marriage, spending time not only on a touch of romance but some heavy-duty, curl-our-toes kissing. Especially if sex was off-limits (as it should be pre-nuptials), your main event of physical affection was lip-locking. You likely enjoyed the heady feelings that gave you, and perhaps got really good at it — like you were make-out masters.

Then the wedding happened. And oh, the freedom! Oh, the delights! Oh, the intensity! One or both of you discovered that sex not only aroused you like kissing did, it satisfied you.

And over the years, you just stopped kissing so much.

Okay, that’s a nice way of saying it. Here’s the more brutal truth I keep hearing: He ignores my lips and goes straight to the erogenous zones. Yep, it’s husbands I mostly hear about skipping the pucker-up pleasures, as if kissing is the pre-dinner salad and they’d far rather skip to the steak. Especially since they know they’re going to get steak. Why spend all that time picking at lettuce and veggies when they could be enjoying the juicy stuff?

Except it’s not salad for most women. It’s a whoppin’ big deal. Main course stuff.

Look, I know this is a hard sell for husbands long-term. Why? Scientifically speaking, you guys apparently don’t feel about kissing the way we do. One survey study concluded that “Women tend to use kissing to create a bond with their partners, and to assess them as potential mates,” while “men use kissing as a means to an end.” You know what the end is, of course. It’s sex. In this particularly study, more than half of the guys said they’d have a sex with a woman with no kissing involved, while only 14% of women agreed with that statement.

Based on other studies on kissing, one researcher concluded that, “In long-term relationships, the frequency of kissing is a good barometer of the health and well-being of that particular bond.”  But that women specifically use kissing to evaluate the state of their partnership and are way more likely to insist on kissing before, during, and after sex.

It would be really easy for me to finish this out with a call for men to get over themselves and just kiss their wives more! After all, aren’t women correct that kissing should be a primary focus if it’s a barometer of relationship health?!

But my view is actually that, where gender differences occur, God has an opportunity to work on our weaknesses and strengthen our relationships. From which I draw two conclusions:

Hubbies, kiss her…a whole lot more. Most wives want to be a kissed much more than they currently are. They want to be greeted with kisses, wooed with kisses, aroused with kisses, assured with kisses. We want the kiss to linger on our lips and trip up our heartbeats. And I strongly suspect you had that effect on her at one time, or she probably wouldn’t have married you. (Women are also more prone to break off dating relationships with those they consider bad kissers.)

And a kiss isn’t just putting your mouth on hers. It’s a dance, my friend. So polish up your dancing shoes or your cowboy boots (we two-step where I live), and get into some tongue tango with the Missus. Use your hands and your arms to draw her into you, stroke her cheek, her shoulders, or her arms. Hover over her lips, breathing in the same air, letting anticipation build. Sink deeply into her mouth and kiss her the way she loves to be kissed.

If you don’t know how, ask her what she likes. There are different kinds of kisses, and women have preferences. My husband definitely knows mine, because I volunteered what I like.

Wives, let making out lead to sex. Sometimes kissing can feel like a buffet of delights, while sex is the dessert you’re not sure you have room for. Of course, plenty of wives are quite happy to move from kissing to the bedroom. However, I believe some husbands aren’t kissing their wives enough, in part because it rarely leads to sex anyway. And God apparently built him that way, to desire intercourse after a lot of kissing.

Indeed, not every kiss should lead to sex. You should be able to smooch your man in the kitchen and him not expect to sprawl you out on the dining table every time. But neither should you expect him to kiss and kiss and kiss, and never reach what he considers the main event.

You may need to ask him how much kissing or what kind of kissing he can do without feeling that now-now-now urge inside him. (And no, guys reading this, you don’t get to claim, “Any kissing should lead to sex.” Read the point above!) Negotiate a little. Figure out how to invest in more kissing, but make sure you both get your sexual needs met.

A lot of marriages are suffering from a lack of kissing. But if you need a little more of a push, here are some proven benefits of kissing:

  • Revs up energy level through adrenaline
  • Releases pheromones between you, which are attraction chemicals
  • Tones your facial muscles
  • Releases Oxytocin, the hormone that helps us feel bonded to one another
  • Transfers testosterone from male to female through saliva, increasing her libido
  • Releases other happy chemicals, like Dopamine, Endorphins, and Phenylethylamine (which is like an amphetamine)

So let’s improve the physical intimacy in our marriages by included that one thing so many wives feel they are missing — the beautiful gift of kissing.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
    for your love is more delightful than wine.
Song of Songs 1:2

Sources: Time: The Science of Smooching: Why Men and Women Kiss DifferentlySparkly Science: The science behind kissing: 10 things that happen when we kiss; Live Science: Men, Women, and the Two Stories Behind Every Kiss