Tag Archives: lingerie

Why I Still Wear Lingerie (though My Hubby Doesn’t Care)

illustrations of lingerieI was in a lingerie store recently purchasing needed undergarments, and the clearance rack caught my attention. Actually, that’s how I prefer to do most of my shopping — with the word CLEARANCE written on a sign nearby and a pile of price stickers on the tag with the top one impressing me enough to say, “Yeah, I’ll pay that much.”

Anyway . . .

I flipped through a bunch of items on the clearance rack that I would never, ever wear; saw a few items that looked pretty but didn’t come in my size; and then lingered on one goooorgeous night-thing — a comfortable, feminine, sexy item I’d love to sleep in or show off to my husband. I hemmed and hawed about it purchasing it, but the price was another 50% off that top sticker on the tag. So I finally took it to the counter, paid out, and left the store with a new nightie.

But here’s the thing: In my many years of marriage, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t care about lingerie. Really. Doesn’t care.

Now this is atypical. A majority of husbands delight in seeing their wives don pretty, suggestive attire in the bedroom. For those wives, I encourage you to find something you’re willing wear to bed that will also arouse his senses.

But even if your husband is fine with bypassing the nightie and going straight to nude, maybe you should invest in a few pieces of beautiful lingerie for yourself. I do. Why?

Focusing your mind. Much of a woman’s sex drive is in her head. In a single moment, we gals entertain an average of 342 things in our brains (give or take a couple), and shoving out all that extraneous stuff to focus on making love can be a mental battle some days. So how can you shift from being super-mommy, super-worker, super-cook, super-house-manager, etc. and become super-sexy-wife?

Slipping on a item of lingerie can get you in the right frame of mind. You commit to that focus of being physical with your husband. After all, once you put on a lace teddy, you’re probably not thinking about cleaning the toilets anymore. The rest of your to-do’s can wait.

Feeling sexy. A good piece of lingerie will play to your body’s figure and show off your physical assets. It will help you display your best features in an enticing way. Lingerie usually has a different texture and lighter fabric, and that satin or lace or silk can brush the skin underneath in a pleasant way. All that comes together to remind you that you are one sexy lady.

Just try to get that same feeling wearing an over-sized tee and granny panties. Not gonna happen. There’s something about lingerie — lingerie you like — that makes you feel desirable.

Sending clear signals. When you walk into your bedroom wearing provocative lingerie, there’s really no need to say to your husband, “Hey, you wanna?” You’re sending a pretty clear signal — no words necessary.

This approach can make some guys practically giddy — particularly those husbands whose wives rarely initiate. If she shows up looking interested and inviting, it’s like his birthday wish came true. And now he gets to unwrap the present. (Best. Birthday. Ever.)

If you get mixed messages in your marriage with “I was interested, but you looked busy” and “Well, I would have, but I thought you had to get up early” or “I didn’t know if you were kissing me good night or kissing me to initiate something,” then sending a clear signal can be a welcome event. Wearing pretty lingerie and presenting yourself as one hot wife can let hubby know he’s one lucky, lucky man. And he’d better use this opportunity well.

What if he truly doesn’t care? As I’ve said, my husband doesn’t really care about the lingerie. He likes the clear signal of show up naked.

But maybe your husband doesn’t care for another reason. Some wives are dealing with a low-drive husband, and showing up in sexy lingerie doesn’t have an arousing effect on him. In fact, slipping on something sexy and posing in your bedroom’s doorway results in little more than a passing nod from him and in a glob of grief settling in you. So should you stick to the tattered tee and pajama pants?

Clearly, a major mismatch in sexual drives is a bigger issue than whether you wear a slinky chemise to bed. But while you’re working on that, I suggest you still buy some pretty stuff for you. Maybe you’re not going to present yourself the same way to your husband, until you’ve figured out what his obstacles are and dealt with them. However, you may want personal reminders from time to time that you are beautiful and sexy and worthwhile. You may want to feel pretty for yourself, even if that nightie stays on you all night.

So do you wear pretty lingerie? Why or why not?

More on lingerie: How to Shop for Lingerie and Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty?

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Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty?

Garter belt

Another Monday, another reader question. Today’s topic is introduced by an anonymous reader and involves sexy lingerie. Here’s his story:

J – My wife and I have been married for three years now. During that time I have given her various gifts of lingerie around holidays, birthdays, random days… I love it when my wife gets dressed up in anticipation of sex. To me, a very visual man, it’s her way of inviting me to be intimate with her, kind of my version of foreplay. Just like when I bring her flowers, prepare a romantic dinner date, spend time holding her and kissing the nape of her neck. When she gets “dressed up,” she’s telling me she’s interested in pleasing me (she knows I’m visual), wants to look her best and have me devour her with my eyes (because my eyes are only for her), she wants to seduce/pursue me (and I want to be seduced/pursued).

This last weekend I was gone on a men’s retreat. When I got home I was looking forward to reconnecting with my wife. As she went to take her shower I asked if she was going to put on anything special for the evening.

She got angry.

For the first time my wife revealed her thoughts on lingerie. She hates it. Wishes no one ever invented such things. She had a few reasons why: it’s uncomfortable at times, difficult to put on at times, she feels ridiculous in all that lace and silk. All of these seem like good reasons, and I think they can be remedied: buy things that fit better, are easier to don, things you actually like the look and feel of.

However, the most significant reason for her distaste, and the most troubling, is that she equates lingerie with the culture of porn, strippers, and unrealistic expectations of female beauty. She feels that by wearing such things she’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted beauty that plays in the fantasies of men.

To say the least, I was abashed. I had never viewed lingerie in that manner, and my wife had never mentioned it herself. I view it in much the same way as when a woman does her makeup, or puts on an evening gown for a night out. You’re accentuating your assets, revealing some but concealing enough, and putting your best foot forward.

So here are my questions: Am I completely wrong? Is my wife correct that lingerie comes from the world of pornography? Is my desire to see her get dressed up from some perverted male fantasy of what a woman should look like? Do many other women share the views of my wife? If I’m not out in left field, how do I address her concerns and still let her know that I feel loved when she puts on something pretty for a night in bed?

I’m not all that familiar with what’s worn in the pornographic world because the second I see any such images (stupid Google search), I click them off and let the images fall out of my ear. Because I can do that. However, I know that most men can’t.

Men are indeed visual, and this is something that women have sincere difficulty understanding. Yes, we get it logically, but really understanding what it’s like to be so automatically drawn to skin, genitalia, and sexiness is a little past most wives’ grasp. Plenty of women still tend to think of it as something you guys should be able to turn off and on at will. (I submit as evidence the scanty attire that many women wear without realizing its effect on men.)

Then when we do understand it, we worry a little. Did my husband notice that girl at the gym with clearly fake breasts and the tank top two sizes too small? Do his eyes linger too long at that model in the beer commercials? Can I walk by the Victoria’s Secret display at the mall with my husband beside me and still know he has eyes only for me? Does he want me to dress up like that floozy he saw in that porn magazine years ago? Does he only want me for my body . . . and not me?

And here’s something you men don’t easily get: We can have all those thoughts and many more in about twenty seconds. We aren’t inviting them; they just appear like your five o’clock shadow. Also, we aren’t trying to be self-deprecating or need extreme therapy for our low self-esteem. It’s actually pretty typical for wives to desire reassurance that they are both beautiful and far more than simply their looks.

Yes, this is why a compass, encyclopedia, degree program, and a trip to the top of the mountain to see some guru — all designed to teach you the ins and outs of women — would still never result in mastery. We are a labyrinth of loveliness . . . but what else is so worth exploring?

So here’s a general tip for men on any conflict in marriage: When your wife reacts negatively in a way that surprises you and seems to come out of nowhere, dig. Dig deep. You have hit a sensitive area, and you need to figure out what’s down under that surface or at the center of that maze.

Why does dressing in any kind of lingerie make your wife feel ridiculous or merely like a male fantasy? Do you or have you had an issue with porn? If so, that needs to be dealt with because we wives absolutely do not want to feel like stand-ins for your fantasy girl. And yes, that’s how it feels to us when our guy uses porn and then wants to engage sexually with us. Does your wife have a family or personal background that causes her to link lingerie and strippers or porn? Does she feel neglected by you in other ways and only interesting to you when she’s “dressed up to please”? Does she need reassurance about how beautiful her body is because she’s become so aware that it doesn’t conform to unrealistic societal standards, or the way she used to look?

What visceral chord does this topic strike in her? If there is a deeper issue, that needs to be dealt with first.

However, I do not believe that lingerie = perversion. Yes, there are some outfits and costumes that I consider a bit extreme. For instance, if hubby insists that his wife dress as the Catholic schoolgirl or Catwoman, I think you may have crossed a line.

And it is completely legitimate for a wife to say, “I don’t want to wear that [lace/silk/leather/ saran wrap] because it’s uncomfortable.” More than you want to know . . . but I personally don’t think I could wear a thong longer than it takes me to sing “I’m a Little Teapot” (which would kill the mood, right?). That’s on my No-Go List. Other women are quite happy to wear thongs day in and day out but would never wear a teddy or a push-up bra or whatever. There are personal preferences, and the wife should have some say in what she wears, even if the attire is supposed to be visually pleasing to her husband.

That said, no husband — hear me on this, wives — NO husband wants his wife to come to bed night after night in a long flannel gown or a ratty old t-shirt and pajama pants. You might as well post this sign on your body:

No entry sign

By Au.no_entry.svg: Cassowary derivative work: Fry1989 eh? via Wikimedia Commons

See Sheila Gregoire’s hilarious video on this! Why Women Feel Guilty about Chocolate.

So where’s the happy medium? It’s wonderful if couples can shop together. A husband can give input on what he’d love to see his wife wear, and the wife can look for lingerie she would feel comfortable wearing. You can probably find items that match both goals. The world of lingerie is so vast that it’s now possible to find feminine, flirty, cotton or silk items that flatter a gal’s figure but are still comfortable.

I am lover of pretty and comfort, and my own lingerie collection reflects that. However, my husband (whom I fondly refer to as Spock here) goes from Vulcan to Ferengi when it comes to this topic: He most enjoys his wife showing up in the bedroom buck naked. (Or do you say “butt naked”? I’ve heard it both ways.)

I’m not sure a wife can go wrong with showing up naked or merely wrapping herself in a sheet or a ribbon.

While I suggest finding out what the deeper issue is with this particular wife, and while I encourage couples to find bedroom attire that pleases both spouses, I will end with this thought: You can’t control your spouse. You can’t make your wife wear some sexy teddy any more than I can convince my husband to finally (please, honey) get rid of that hideous multicolored sweater that he pulls out every winter with a loopy grin on his face.

You all know what I’m talking about. Your spouse will wear or do something that irritates you, and while you can and should express your feelings about it, you can’t make them change. That’s not your job.

Your job instead is to see the beauty that is in your husband or wife — whether your spouse is dressed in beautiful black silk-and-lace or the ugliest sweater you’ve ever laid eyes on.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

there is no flaw in you.”

Song of Songs 4:7

A related read for the wives: Nightie or Nudie?

Boxers or Briefs?

It’s become a standard question for celebrity men:  Boxers or briefs?  Everyone from President Bill Clinton to Mel Gibson to Justin Bieber has answered this question.  (Yes, I know their answers, but I’m not sharing!)  Of course, the question has become more complicated since the advent of boxer briefs, first sold around 1990.

For women, the choices are more diverse — briefs, hi-cut, hipsters, bikinis, string bikinis, boy shorts, and the recently popular thong.

(Yes, there are thongs for men, but if you can find a straight man who willingly wears a string between his butt cheeks, look out because pigs are flying overhead!)

Believe it or not, there are entire websites devoted to the history and choices of underwear (e.g., Vintage Skivvies).  I even found a site that had underwear sightings, such as a particular celebrity spotted with a boxer waistband edging out of his jeans, thus indicating his preference for loose boxers.  Why I would care what undies a country singer or my senator are wearing, I don’t know.

But we do care what underwear our spouses wear.  In fact, I’ve found that people have very distinct preferences for what lower undergarments are appealing when donned by their wife or husband.  And it is not the same preference across the board. So I wonder how many of you have actually asked your honey what he or she prefers?

According to Men’s Health, boxers and boxer briefs are preferred by 68% of women polled, with only 8% preferring briefs.  70% of men said they wear boxers or boxer briefs (yeah for them!), but 29% of guys are still wearing the less preferred briefs.  (The other options were bikini briefs and trunk-style/short boxer briefs.)  Women also prefer solid colors or a subtle pattern (read not whitey-tighty!).  What almost no woman wants is her guy going commando.  If you announce you’re not wearing underwear, we wonder if you failed to do laundry, if that jean zipper is uncomfortably scraping your privates, or if you’ve properly contained things in there.

As for men, well, I tried to find a reputable source for what panties men prefer women to wear, but after searching for a while and finally getting down to the Google page that included a transvestite’s opinion of what panties he liked to wear, I decided to forgo the objective source.  From the search I did, the general consensus was that men like women in underwear and out of underwear.  (What a revelation, huh?)  If you tell your hubby you’re going commando, he won’t think once about whether you couldn’t find a clean pair; he will spend your dinner out alternating between polite conversation and flashes of getting you back home and out of that constricting dress.

Ideally, whether man or woman, you should ask your spouse what he/she likes to see you in.  Does it matter?  Oh yeah.  It’s part of how you present yourself to your honey.  I happen to think that white Granny panties convey a completely different image than colorful boy shorts which are completely different from a black lace thong.  And they are all perfectly fine choices, as long as you are comfortable and your spouse likes what you’re wearing.

My husband and I don’t cater exactly to what underwear the other most likes, but we have found compromises.  Neither one of us is walking with our hips askew from the discomfort of our undies, but we also branch out a little from what we might wear if we hadn’t found each other and instead spent lonely weekends watching Star Trek reruns (which we both might have done).

And when I see him in his ________________ (once again, not telling!), he looks fabulous to me.  And when he sees me in my _________________ (I will only confess that I do not do butt floss), he pauses and checks me out for a few seconds.  It’s a simple thing we do to please one another and that good vibe can lead to some other good vibrations on the bed later.  I’m just sayin’.

So here’s your homework!  Sometime tonight or this weekend, ask your spouse what underwear he/she would like to see you in.  Or take a shopping trip to a department or lingerie store together and pick out a few different kinds to try.  You might even go wild and choose one pair of silky boxers for him or lace bikinis for her, if that’s not your usual.  Make it a date to go underwear shopping!  Or part ways with the assignment to go to the opposite sex undies section and pick out a pair for your spouse and then exchange them as gifts at the end of the night.  Model for each other!

We wear underwear to hold things in place, keep rough fabrics from irritating our delicate parts, maintain some modesty, and keep ourselves sanitary.  But you can meet all those functions and still have fun with your undies!  Try to find something to wear that delights your marriage partner.  After all, he or she is probably the only one person who gets to see those underwear on your fine body!

Wives, Put on Your Nightie or Nudie

With 1,028 stores and $4,018,000,000 in net sales, Victoria’s Secret makes it clear that a lot of women are purchasing lingerie!  For whom are they buying it?  Themselves or their honeys?

I am married to the odd man out — a guy who doesn’t particularly care much for black lace teddies or see-through nightgowns.  His basic opinion is that “Naked is always in fashion.”  So whatever I’ve been wearing — whether little black dress or yard work overalls — as long as I strip down to bare skin when I get to the bedroom, he’s there.

I’ve had plenty of friends, however, who shop with their husbands or have their husbands shop for them to find that sexy ensemble that will stimulate his sight and make her feel like a personal pin-up.  Some women suggest that the best way to choose lingerie is to throw it willy-nilly on the floor and see how it looks lying there, since that is where it will end up within a scant five minutes anyway.  (A friend of mine calls it “the carpet test.”)

So why are guys so titillated by the nightie or the nudie?  God made men visual!  They are also fairly single-minded.  Put a beautiful woman in front of your husband (and believe me, in a nightgown or naked, you are beautiful to him) and he can focus on that pretty sight.  (Well, unless you start your stripper routine between him and the television in the last three minutes of the Super Bowl.) 

Why did God make men so visual?  Was it so that we gals would spend an inordinate amount of time warding off the creepy guys who undress us with their eyes in that split-second, north-to-south scan they naturally do so well?  Was it so that we could repeat the line, “My eyes are up here, buddy,” over and over to our high school prom date?   Was it so that we couldn’t walk through the bedroom in our pretty panties and bra without being accosted by the frenzied fingers of our faithful husband?

I’ve read a lot on this subject, and the only thing I can say without a doubt is that God did indeed make men acutely aware of beautiful women in their midst.  Perhaps it is so that husbands will cherish the beauty of their wives and treasure them like fine rubies.

Unfortunately, Satan takes what God has created and tries to twist it into something else, which means that men can struggle with wandering eyes.  Letting him see more of you than he sees of anyone else can help your hubby keep his focus where it should be.

For those of you tired of feeling like a pork chop that has your tail-wagging husband panting and licking his lips like a bloodhound, talk to a wife whose is beauty is never appreciated by her husband; whose husband does not pursue her or compliment her attractiveness; who has begged God in prayer after prayer to have what you have — a husband who desires her.  She would love to have what you have.

Now I am NOT condoning the husband who ignores his wife every other time and only glimpses in her direction when she unveils her Vicky Secret purchase.  I presume that everyone reading this understands that is flat-out insulting.  (If you don’t, I will repeat: INSULTING!)

But wives could do something to keep their husbands’ eyes on their prize by polishing up the trophy now and then and showing it off.  Invest in yourself a little with a nice nightie.  Even if your husband doesn’t care, it might make you feel a little sexier.  (It does for me.)  You don’t have to visit the pricier lingerie stores; they are plenty of sexy choices at your local Target or Wal-Mart or in the clearance rack of your department store.

Everybody understands the principle of appreciating the gift inside a box more than the box itself.  But a nicely wrapped package catches the eye.  Ladies, get your nightie or your nudie on.  And men, check out that perfectly wrapped present that God gave you.  Then send a thank-you note to God for what’s on the outside and the inside.