Tag Archives: reaching orgasm

Q&A with J: How Do I Express What I Want in Bed?

Last week, we talked some about difficulty reaching orgasm, and we’re back at it again today. But it’s a different issue with this wife, who needs some specific tips. Read on:

Do you have any tips for communicating with your husband during intercourse? Hubby and I have been married less than two years, and with most of that entailing some pretty serious physical issues, let’s just say orgasms for me have been hard to come by. We’re finally getting back on track, but still struggling with getting me “across the finish line.” I know we’re supposed to give our husbands in-the-moment feedback, but I literally can’t even figure out how to use words to describe what I want! And what words I can come up with, just the act of thinking and then speaking completely derails any momentum we had going, so end up either frustrated or bored trying to figure out how quickly I can wrap things up! I have tried guiding hubby’s hands but that ends up being more awkward and cumbersome than trying to speak! We talk outside of the bedroom, and I still have a hard time conveying specifically what I might want. And when I tell DH to try changing things up or experimenting a little, he seems to just go back to exactly what he’s used to doing! i love my husband dearly, but it’s like if I don’t give him point by point (by point by point by point) instructions he will always default to the same non-effective thing. Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything? (If you say yes I’ll believe you J ūüôā any tips for us?

Fessing up, I think communicating verbally during sex is one of the most awkward things I’ve done. Have you ever watched a lovemaking scene on-screen where someone said, “Hold on, I need you to move your hand a little to the left. Okay, there. Softer”? No. No, you have not. What do the scripts say?¬†“I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “You’re my soul mate,” etc.

And that’s all great. But sometimes you’re right in the throes of passion and intensity is building, and you know ‚ÄĒ just know ‚ÄĒ that if he could touch you differently, just a bit, you’d plunge into the orgasm pool¬†with a great big¬†aaaaah. So how do you help him know what brings you the greatest pleasure?

Let’s start with the last question this reader asked:¬†Is it really completely my job to completely figure out and explain everything?¬†No, it’s not. Ideally, you figure out together what works best for you. For instance, even though I’ve encouraged women to explore their own sexual organs to see what feels good so they can then translate that knowledge into the marriage bed, your hand and his hand feel different. So you still have some discovery to do¬†together.

This is actually pretty cool, the way God designed sex. Rather than viewing it as an obstacle, it’s an opportunity take a guided tour of your spouse’s body and explore this amazing territory.¬†What happens when I touch you like this? Do you like it when I kiss you here? How about here? What are your most sensitive places? How can I stir your sensuality and satisfy your senses? What can I do to take you over the edge?

So how do you do experiment and find out what works?¬†Because that’s the first step. You can’t tell somehow what you like if you’ve had no experience with what you like. And it sounds like you two are doing this in the midst of making love. Maybe you need to step back, put intercourse on the back burner for a bit, and actually have a session of exploration, experimentation, and experience.

When you’re not focused on having intercourse or reaching an orgasm, you can slow down, take your time, and see what feels good. If you can swing it, it might be worth you stripping down but him leaving on his clothes, so that the focus is totally on you and your pleasure. Do this once, twice, or a few times, and it might be rather eye-opening for you both.

But even when you’re in the middle of exploration or foreplay,¬†how do you know what you want? Do you really want more pressure or less? To be touched higher or lower? To have him go slower or faster? This is a mindfulness exercise for us women. We have to be very focused on what’s happening with our bodies. We have to mentally concentrate on the sensations we’re feeling and then think,¬†What might feel even better?

It’s often very intentional at first. You purposefully set out to think about what you’re feeling, what might feel good, ask for that, then adjust ‚ÄĒ moment by moment, touch by touch. But it’s like learning anything else: after a while, you get better and know more quickly and intuitively what you like. Also, most husbands begin to read their wives better, recognizing certain kinds of tension in her body or sounds she’s making indicate greater pleasure.

But what words do you use?¬†It depends somewhat on your own communication style. But, like you, I’ve found that forming words during lovemaking can be difficult at times. So I think a limited vocabulary can help in getting what you want. Keep it to single words and short phrases you can quickly get out and he can quickly respond to. Like¬†softer, harder, faster, slower, up, down, deeper,¬†etc.

Mind you, you might have to use opposite words in a row. Like if you say¬†harder and he gets too rough, you’ll need to say¬†softer to get him to back off¬†little. By the way, hubbies, this is¬†not a critique of your sexual performance. We’re actually more impressed with your lovemaking when you’re willing to listen to our suggestions and help us figure out how we can experience the most pleasure. Good lovers listen and learn.

Good lovers listen and learn. Click To Tweet

What about your momentum? Yeah, it’s interrupted. Once again … at first. When you start talking during lovemaking, it feels awkward and can disrupt your flow. But trust the process. Just because you’re playing scales now doesn’t mean you won’t be mastering Bach tomorrow. In fact, you have to play the scales first.

So let it be awkward. Even be playful about it.¬†Faster, slower, there ‚ÄĒ yeah, baby¬†[insert giggle here]. Feeling free enough to be a little off-kilter in the moment with your spouse increases intimacy. Because you’re sharing in this discovery, these private moments, and your eventual success.

One final thought: It’s okay to add yourself to this mix. I have encouraged wives to simply move his hand where you want it (hard to ignore that signal). But you can also put your own hand where you want to be touched and say here. Or even take over the direct stimulation, so that he can do something else that arouses you ‚ÄĒ and together, you bring yourself to climax. Not only is that okay, some husbands find it exciting to see their wives touch themselves. It shows them how¬†into it she is.

I believe you can make this work and experience intimate lovemaking and amazing climaxes. May God bless your efforts!

Q&A with J: “I Just Can’t Seem to Orgasm”

My Q&A with J feature has moved to Thursdays, giving¬†me more time in the week to contemplate my response and answer. Today’s reader question is about one of our favorite topics (right, ladies?): orgasm.

We’ve been married for only 18 wonderful months, and have enjoyed the journey so far! But, I just can’t seem to orgasm. . . .¬†I’m very body confident and pro sex, so I don’t think negative attitudes are what is holding me back. We have tried so many things to help me get there, and I often read blogs and Christian books to glean information. . . .¬†When we make love it’s like I go up and up and up, and feel like I can’t possibly go any higher, but just can’t find what will help me tumble over the edge. It’s frustrating.

I know you encourage masturbation in these circumstances, to find out what works, but my husband closes up at the idea of me going solo, even if he were to be present. This is probably because I had an issue with masturbation when I was a sexually frustrated single woman. Because it was sin to me then, he has a hard time even accepting that it could be part of our marriage bed.

So I was wondering if you have any other ideas that might help, or are we just too green yet? Can I expect that with more time, trial and error and getting to know one another will eventually get me where I want to go?

Q&A with J: "I Just Can't Seem to Orgasm"

How many wives have experienced that annoyance of not getting all the way to orgasm? At¬†times, that climax can feel as elusive as the answer to that one crossword puzzle clue you can’t solve. So how can¬†you “tumble over the edge”?

I have stated before that wives who cannot seem to orgasm may want to explore their own bodies to see what works and to demonstrate to their husbands how¬†to touch them. This is very different from pursuing solo masturbation as a habit, because it’s for information and intimacy between husband and wife. But that’s certainly not the only way to go about this, and given the reader’s history, I can understand not wanting to introduce this activity.

First, here are a few prior posts about orgasm:

Orgasm: If Only I Could O
3 Tips on Having a Great Orgasm
What’s So Great about an Orgasm?
But I Still Can’t Orgasm! What Next?

And Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage has a reference page for orgasm posts written by her and others. Reading those posts may help.

Ah, the frustration!¬†I can’t help but think that one is issue is how hard we wives try. I understand that moment when you’re in the midst of making love and what your husband is doing is totally¬†turning you on, and you think any minute now this is going to give me the kind of orgasm that deserves a standing ovation, and then . . . you’re waiting . . . you’re waiting . . . still waiting . . .

“Frustrating” is accurate. But¬†here’s what happens to your body when you’re frustrated:

Throat closes
Stomach hardens
Chest tightens
Blood pressure rises
Head aches
Jaw hurts*

Does any of that sound sexy? No, not really. Of course, your body can tighten up and your blood pressure can rise when you’re in the midst of an amazing high, but most physiology of frustration runs counter to getting you fully to¬†climax.

Which is why when you reach that¬†why can’t I edge over?! moment, one help is to back off that ledge, breathe deeply, and focus merely on the sensations happening in your pleasure zones. This may take you to an earlier point so that you have to build back up again, but you’re more likely to reach orgasm if you can lean into those feelings rather than having¬†them tighten you up.

But what about sex toys? I know exactly what some readers are thinking right now: Just grab a vibrator already and let the buzz do the job! And I know vibrators have helped wives who really struggle with orgasm to finally reach climax. I think there’s a place for such marital aids.

But honestly, the longer I’ve been writing about sex in marriage, the less eager I am about sex toys. Maybe it’s because I watched this shift in our culture to sex being a purely physical experience, and then saw that perspective move in and take hold in some Christian circles. And while I’m 100% sold on sex being physically pleasurable (thank you, God!), if that’s our main focus, we’re missing out on God’s full design for sex¬†in marriage.

There’s something valuable¬†and sensual about using only the body parts God gave you to satisfy one another sexually. Not that it has to happen that way every time, but sex toys can shortcut the opportunity to really get to know our own body and our spouse’s body. Speaking for myself, I find it seriously sexy what my husband’s hand can do, but¬†I wouldn’t be so impressed if a device with batteries did the same thing.

My point is simply that the ideal is to figure out together how to bring complete sexual satisfaction to one another without depending on outside frills. If the problem continues for a long time, however, I’d certainly look into marital aids as an option.

Practical tips.¬†This wife says, “We have tried so many things to help me get there.” Since I don’t know what “so many things” includes, here’s a quick roundup of ideas:

Parts. Contact with his penis is the least easy way to reach orgasm. (Sorry, guys, it’s great — but I’m being honest here.) To reach that first, second, or maybe fifth orgasm, he should use his hands or his mouth.

Pacing. Take time with the build-up. This might feel like a slow-motion movie to a guy itching to get it on with his wife, but oftentimes it’s that first orgasm that’s hardest to reach. Once you know your bodies better, it can become a quicker process. Let your hubby know where to start and what you need, guiding the pacing with clear communication.

Pressure. The right pressure matters. Too hard, and you¬†won’t feel good. Too soft, and you won’t feel. Help him know how much friction you’d like and whether he should press or stroke harder or softer. He’ll likely need to change the pacing as you go, so help him make adjustments.

Positions. Try lying on your back, lying on your stomach, straddling him, butterfly pose (knees cocked out, opening up access), on your knees, sitting on the edge of a chair, whatever you can think of. Despite all of us ladies having the same basic parts, our sensitivities are not the same, and some positions will give you more pleasure than others. See what works for you.

Clitoris. That’s what he’s aiming for. Make sure he starts elsewhere and gets you warmed up, but when it’s time to aim for the climax, he needs to be making pleasurable contact with that little knob of flesh between your urethral opening and your vagina.

Edging. I’ve been planning to write a whole post about this technique, so I’ll move that up in my queue and get to it soon. But edging in mutual sex is bringing your partner close to orgasm, slowing things down, and then bringing her¬†back up again — a few times. This¬†can increase¬†the intensity so that when he finally follows through, it’s easier to reach orgasm.

He’s doing great. One last thing I want to mention: It’s frustrating for hubby too. The general message out there is that¬†real men¬†make their women hit the ceiling with orgasms every time. I have yet to see a rom-com or read a romance novel where the guy was a great lover but his woman didn’t climax. Which is frankly silly.

To husbands reading this, you’re a terrible lover if you aren’t trying. But if it’s a more of a challenge than you expected, hang in there and help her reach the height of pleasure that she, and you, deserve.

And for you wife, reassure¬†your hubby¬†that he’s doing great, that you’re in this together, and that you love that closeness with him. Of course, you¬†want the orgasm and that should be a priority, but let your husband know he rocks your world in many ways.

What other ideas would you add for reaching orgasm?**

*From The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman & Becca Puglisi, a must-have book for fiction authors!

**You might want to check out my Comments Policy. Highly graphic comments or comments linking to questionable resources do not get approved.

5 Tips for Reaching Climax

On Monday, I compared various sensations of orgasm to an amusement park. (Because my brain works strangely¬†like that.) But I know some wives still haven’t achieved orgasm, and others have been on that ride but not as often as they’d like.

So here are five tips for reaching climax:

Woman's hand counting to five

1. Empty your brain. Okay, okay, I know some of you women are clutching your sides with laughter. The notion of a wife, mom, household manager, worker, and task-master shoving everything out of her brain is like me suggesting you lasso a hurricane. But get your rope ready, girlfriend, because I believe in you!

As long as you have other things running through your brain besides your arousal¬†and love and connection, it will be hard to climax. So how do you “empty your brain”? Start by preparing for sex, doing what you need to do to focus on the marriage bed. Then shift your mind away from stray thoughts that try to pull you away and onto what’s happening in your body and with your husband; this is a process you’ll likely have to practice. Meditate on the sensations in your body and lean into your pleasure.

By the way, one of those distractions you¬†don’t want running through your brain is concern about whether or not you’ll climax. Thinking about pleasure and thinking about climax aren’t the same thing. Focus on your feelings, and then let the¬†excitement happen.

2. Get to know your body. In one sense, female orgasm is pretty straightforward in that stimulation of the clitoris, direct or indirect, is what leads to that Squeee! moment. But how your clitoris likes to be stimulated is specific to you.

Which means that achieving orgasm means you need to experiment and explore how you like to be touched. Some wives like to try a bit of this on their own first, as personal education, so they can better instruct their husbands later. Or a¬†husband can simply try a bunch of different touches — varying pressure, stroke, angle, location, etc. You can also work together, with you touching yourself and then letting him mimic the motions.

But it could be well-worth your time to take a lovemaking session, or two or three, and find out what really gets you revved up. Many husbands are very willing to give this a go, if you let them know you want to increase your excitement in the bedroom. During this time, don’t focus so much¬†on climax as learning what gives you extreme pleasure.¬†Extreme pleasure should eventually lead to climax.

3. Ask for what you want. Raise your hand if it feels awkward to speak up for something you want during sex! I see all of you out there, and years ago I would have raised my hand too. But honestly, how’s a guy to know what feels bad or good to you unless you tell him?

If you really want him to stop that¬†good-heavens-doesn’t-he-know-I-hate-that move, you have to speak up. Of course, you should use your nice words — something like, “That’s a little too much pressure for me. Could you touch me more gently? I think that would really turn me on.”

Then when your husband really hits the sweet spot, let him know. As if that man just shot a nothing-but-net basket, you should cheer him on. (You go, husband! Well done.)¬†You can leave out your¬†pom-poms (or not), but tell him with words, moans, happy noises, or a little mutual pleasuring when¬†he’s doing something that arouses you.

4. Change it up.¬†The next challenge is that even when¬†something feels totally awesome at the moment, you may need something else a minute later to keep you rising toward that peak. I feel for husbands, because some of them treat our woman parts like a genie lamp — thinking that once they find the right place and way to rub, they can just keep doing it and the magic will be released.

It’s more like rub a little here, rub a little there, harder here, softer there — yeah, like a moving target at times. But hey, your fabulous hubby is up to the challenge, and you can let him know what your body is craving for. Help him vary his approach and keep you on the path toward the peak.

As your excitement increases, you’ll likely want greater pressure, faster stroking, and maybe additional stimulation elsewhere — such as¬†touching or kissing your breasts or digital penetration. If your¬†arousal reaches a plateau, change something up and see if that gets you climbing again.

5. Fogettaboutit! As I said before, one of the climax-killing things you can do is worry too much about reaching orgasm. Do you want to get there? Sure. But worry tenses your body and makes you less responsive to arousal.

So once you’re in the midst of sexual pleasure, just enjoy it. Get as much pleasure as you can from the experience, and be sure to pleasure your husband as well. Your ultimate goal is intimacy, and climax is only one thing that contributes to that one-flesh experience.

If you don’t get there today, you might get there tomorrow. Or next week. Or while at the in-laws’ house during the holidays (Wouldn’t that be a hoot?). But focus on your lovemaking feeling fabulous, and you may find the orgasm comes on its own.

So there are some of my tips.

Now what suggestions do you have for achieving orgasm? What have you found that works? Or doesn’t work?