Tag Archives: singles and Christian sex

Q&A with J: “I Want to Find a Wife Who Can Fulfill My Sexual Needs”

Today’s question is from a young, single man who is wondering about the sexual intimacy he’ll one day have in marriage. His query is filled with issues I want to address, so let’s get started.

I struggle with guilt about wanting regular sex in my future marriage. My sex drive is unfortunately very high to the point where I crave intimacy on a daily basis. I am hoping that if I get married one day, that I will end up married to a wonderful Christian lady who has a higher sex drive like mine and would want it on a daily basis, or at least something close to that like 1-4 days a week (ideally everyday, I REALLY want it everyday). I know there are women out there who would want it on a daily basis, but they seem to be unfortunately very rare as men generally crave sex more than women. I could ask God for someone who would want sex on a daily basis, and I often do, but I kind of feel like why should I expect to get that lucky, considering that most guys don’t? I really want someone who can adequately fulfill my needs. I don’t want to spend a vast majority of my marriage masturbating, I want to be having sex with her. I already masturbate everyday just to get my arousal out, but I still want sex with a real woman and feel that it would be much more fulfilling. Again, when and if I’m married, I want to end up having sex with my wife more often than I masturbate, but I’m afraid that cannot happen. Sometimes I get in really bad moods at the thought of not getting enough sex in my future marriage. I feel that maybe it is due to a porn addiction that I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to quit on and off for two years. I was hoping that marital sex could help me to stop looking at porn. I could use help in that area too. I need help. I’m desperate. Any counsel you could give, regarding what I have written here, would be greatly appreciated. I just ask that you be gentle and understanding about it. Thank you for your time and God bless!

Blog post title + with smiling couple in bed (illustration)

I will certainly aim for “gentle and understanding,” which I try to do on most Q&A days, but sometimes I “tell it like it is.” And as I read your question, I couldn’t help but think that you’ve been sold some malarkey. Believe me, you’re not the only one. But I’d like to correct a few beliefs here, which should give you more hope.

“I struggle with guilt about wanting regular sex in my future marriage.” Of course you should want regular sex in your future marriage. It’s sad to me that there are Christians who feel guilty about having what God wants them to experience in marriage; yet I know it happens.

Unfortunately, sex is sometimes mentioned in the Church, if it’s spoken of at all, only when it involves remaining abstinent outside of marriage and not sexually sinning (like adultery or porn). We leave the impression that sex itself is a problem, rather than Satan’s attempts to twist sex into something God didn’t intend it to be.

Let me be clear: God wants you to have regular sex in your marriage.

Let me be clear: God wants you to have regular sex in your marriage. Click To Tweet

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NLT)

And He made sure that there’s an entire book in the Bible devoted to marital, sexual love. It’s called Song of Solomon. God is sex-positive! So please don’t feel guilty for wanting to experience the gift He desires you and your wife to someday have. Of course, what He wants right now is that wait for marriage.

I know there are women out there who would want it on a daily basis, but they seem to be unfortunately very rare as men generally crave sex more than women.” Actually, high-drive wives are more common than you think. I don’t know exactly what the numbers are (though I’m researching), but I’ve heard estimates that in 15% to 30% of marriages it’s the wife who has the higher libido. Given my email inbox and comments on this blog, I tend to believe that’s about right. And that doesn’t account for marriages in which the husband has the greater sex drive, but the wife is highly responsive.

I’m not saying that couples don’t have sexual frequency conflicts; plenty do. However, we’re primed by our culture to believe that husbands always want sex and women rarely do. And it’s just not true. So let’s replace the phrase “very rare” with the reality that a majority of husbands desire more frequent sexual intimacy than their wives, but a fair percentage of wives desire more sex and many other wives are certainly willing.

“I really want someone who can adequately fulfill my needs.” Are you equally concerned about meeting her needs? What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, eh? Marriages thrive when you are both concerned about meeting each other’s perceived needs — whether that’s sex, affection, respect, conversation, emotional security, etc. If you want to find Mrs. Right, your focus should be on becoming Mr. Right.

If you want to find Mrs. Right, your focus should be on becoming Mr. Right. Click To Tweet

Also, it’s really hard right now not to view your sex drive as physical tension that demands release. But if you say to your wife, “I want you to meet my sexual needs,” you’re honestly treating her like a means to an end. As I say all the time, your spouse is not your sex toy. She isn’t there to just satisfy your sexual craving. What God wants instead is for you both to pursue intimacy through sexual connection. When you’re both focused on meeting one another’s needs and becoming closer through the exchange of pleasure, that‘s when the sex gets really good.

I already masturbate everyday just to get my arousal out…” I hear ya, but you’re probably making things worse. I don’t believe masturbation is inherently wrong, but it’s unwise to stoke your sexual desire day after day with self-satisfaction. For one thing, the average refractory period for men (time they can easily go between orgasms) is about 72 hours. But if you’re ejaculating daily, your body adapts to anticipating daily release. So you’re basically making your body even more sex-needy.

Also, masturbation involves a feedback loop that you cannot get in marital lovemaking. You are both pleasuring yourself and feeling the pleasure, so you can quickly make adjustments that bring you to climax quickly. Some frequent masturbators then find that having sex with a woman is frustrating, because it takes longer to reach orgasm. Men who masturbate with porn can find that they actually cannot orgasm with intercourse, because their body has been so primed to the hand job.

You really should decrease your self-satisfaction, so you can keep your body’s sexual energy aimed at the ultimate goal — beautiful lovemaking with your someday wife. I have talked about options for when you cannot have sex with Sexual Release Without Sinfulness and What To Do with Sexual Desire Before Marriage.

“I feel that maybe it is due to a porn addiction that I have been (unsuccessfully) trying to quit on and off for two years.” That surely contributes. And to be fair, why should a woman enter marriage with a man who cannot beat this habit? Look, my heart is filled with compassion for men who struggle with this terrible temptation. It’s everywhere, and Satan knows exactly how to target men. (He’s got other ways of targeting us women too.) I’m thrilled you want to quit porn. Thank God you see that it’s both a sin and a terrible habit that can affect your marriage. That’s a terrific first step!

But I wonder what “trying to quit” means to you. Have you taken concrete steps? Installed porn-blocking software? Told a mentor or your pastor about your struggle? Found an accountability partner? Visited the XXXChurch or Fight the New Drug websites for resources on how to successfully quit? Many men have tried to quit on their own and haven’t. Those who succeed set goals, enlist help, and follow through. Believe me, God is on your side on this one — 100%.

“I was hoping that marital sex could help me to stop looking at porn.” While it may help, plenty of married men having regular sex still look at porn. Being happily married is indeed one factor that helps men stay away from porn. According to the General Social Survey of 2000, conducted by the University of Chicago, happily married men were 61% less likely to look at porn. However, in a 2014 survey by The Barna Group, 55% of married men reported watching porn at least once a month, compared to 70% of single men. (See Covenant Eyes Porn Data.) You need to make the decision ahead of time to quit porn. Because while being married can help, it’s no guarantee.

And as gently as I can say this: If a woman contacted me and said she was thinking about marrying a man who’d had a porn addiction for two years and couldn’t seem to quit, I’d tell her to hold off. Neither of you needs that baggage in your marriage. Because porn really can hurt your sex life. But take heart: You can gain victory. Others have done it, and you can too.

What I really want you to walk away with is an understanding that:

  • God wants you to experience amazing lovemaking in your marriage. Sex was His idea, and He knows its best context is marriage. But it is His generous gift to you and your future wife.
  • Great sex awaits you. And it’s not about sexually compatible sex drives, but rather both of you understanding that it sex is a priority and it is worth the effort in your marriage.
  • The best way to make sure you attract a godly, sexy wife is to work on yourself. So focus on sex as a future intimacy-builder and a way to give something beautiful to your wife, not just to meet your needs. And take specific steps to rid your life of porn, so that it won’t damage your future marriage.

What other tips do my readers have? What would you tell singles desiring to have wonderful sexual intimacy in their future marriage?

Q&A with J: How Will I Know What to Do?

Today’s questioner has not had sex. In fact, she feels completely unprepared to have sex in a future marriage. Here’s her story:

I’m a 22 yrs old mega-virgin and the concept of intimacy is new and kinda scary to me

My mother and I never had the talk, mainly because our family is very conservative when it comes to this stuff and she always tell me to refuse any physical interaction from guys until i got married and that’s it. (also i had found out that she and my grandmother never had the “talk”, figures right?)

o.k so i know what i’m NOT to do…but how do i know what am i SUPPOSE to do?
the only thing i look up on google is what happens to my body physically when aroused in wikipedia (pathetic, i know)

but i don’t know what else to look up, the world is dying to show me what they know but i don’t want to learn from that. i’m against porns!!! where do i start? What should i read? Please i need your advice!!!

Q&A with J: How Will I Know What to Do?

First, let me reiterate how important it is for parents to step up and talk to their children about sex, infusing those conversations with godly values. And notice I said conversations — plural — because one talk ain’t gonna cut it. Here’s more on that:

Talking to Your Kids about Sex: No More One & Done
Is “Don’t Have Sex” Enough for Teens?
Teach Your Kids the Correct Words for Body Parts
How to Talk to a Teen about Sex
Top Ten Things I Want to Teach My Teens About Sex

And now . . . Wikipedia. I wonder just what kind of information you get from there on this subject. It’s likely accurate, but it obviously can’t tell the whole story. And you won’t get the godly viewpoint of sexuality.

Which is why I wrote Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design and keep up with this blog: I believe our world desperately needs the truth about God’s gift of sex to marriages.

Our world desperately needs the truth about God's gift of sex to marriages. Click To Tweet

While I primarily speak to marrieds, specifically wives, let me tackle this question with some ideas of what you should know before marriage.

Your sex drive. Song of Songs, the Bible book about sex in marriage, warns three different times: “Do not awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4). The charge is given to the “daughters of Jerusalem,” presumably unmarried women looking forward to the promise of sexual intimacy. This means we shouldn’t poke and prod sex, thinking it won’t wake up until we say I Do. We shouldn’t awaken it until the time is right — in a covenant marriage.

But have you ever watched babies, or maybe a dog or cat, sleep? They don’t just lie there sleeping like the dead; there are twitches and stirrings, moments when it looks like they might be waking up, but then they quickly return to sleep.

I think that’s where the Church and many Christians have gotten this wrong: We tell premarrieds to not awaken love, to shut down any possibility of sexual contact, and expect their sex drive to lie there completely dormant until they cross the marriage threshold. And then it’s supposed to leap from sleep. But after all that time of shoving their libido down, it can be hard for many wives to flip the switch.

Here’s what I’m going to tell you instead: You will have stirrings.

Your body will be aroused, likely many times over, before it’s the right time to engage sexually. And trying to shove those sexual feelings back in a box and tape it down isn’t the best approach. Rather, recognize those feelings for what they are—reminders that God created you as a beautiful, sexual woman who will one day be ready to fully awaken that love in marriage.

Now if you want to know why you should wait until marriage, and how, check out these posts:

Sex Before Marriage, Part 1 (Guest Post) on Preengaged
Sex Before Marriage, Part 2 (Guest Post) on Preengaged
How Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night? from Heather & Eric Viets
The Premarital Sex Felt Great
How Premarital Sex Affects the Marriage (Guest Post) on Preengaged
Q&A with J: What To Do with Sexual Desire Before Marriage

Your anatomy. We don’t all respond the same way, but there are some fairly universal sensations. Let me describe a bit of anatomy and then discuss what happens.

Your privates are comprised of several basic parts: vagina, outer and inner vaginal lips (labia majora and labia minora), and clitoris. (There’s some other stuff like G-spot and Skene’s glands, but you don’t need to know that until you’re having sex. ) When a woman gets aroused, her vagina lubricates, her vaginal lips swell, and the clitoris enlarges. Not all of those have to happen together. Sometimes you’re just “wet,” and usually the clitoris becomes more visible with direct stimulation. But these are things that happen to our bodies when we’re sexually stimulated.

When you start having sex in marriage, the thing to remember is to take it slow and let your body become sufficiently aroused with lubrication and swelling (especially the inner vaginal lips) before engaging in intercourse. But for now, know that if your panties get wet from time to time, that’s normal. It tends to happen more frequently while we’re ovulating, but it can also happen just when we’re attracted to a guy or feeling more sensual in general. Consider it a reminder that God has created your body to engage in sexual intimacy with your husband when the time is right.

Your body image. Having heard from so many wives on this topic, this is something you can work on right now and for the rest of your life. Learn to love your body!

It’s going to be hard someday to bare it all for your husband if you don’t have any confidence in the beauty that God gave you. But He really did make you beautiful! Practice positive self-talk, noticing what your personal assets are and celebrating those. Don’t bat away compliments, but learn to say “thank you.” Take care of your body with a healthy diet and regular exercise. Don’t sweat the stuff you don’t like so much. Cherish those aspects that make you feminine — your softer skin, your curves, your private parts.

If body image is a struggle, mark this verse in your Bible or memorize it and remind yourself:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

Someday your husband is likely to adore seeing your body — your gorgeous, naked body — and it will be easier to engage in sexual intimacy if you believe his assertion that you are a beautiful woman. Not to mention that it’s God’s assertion as well, so believe Him. Remain modest, but appreciate the body you have — the body that will one day be used for sexual intimacy.

Your sexual baggage. You don’t only have sexual baggage if you had premarital sex. Sexual baggage is anything you drag into your marriage that is an obstacle to true physical intimacy. Even a poor theology of sex can be a load that burdens your marriage bed.

Even a poor theology of sex can be a load that burdens your marriage bed. Click To Tweet

What I wish I’d deeply understood before marriage was how pro-sex God was. Just in the right context. I had internalized the prevalent stance that Christianity believed sex to be a carnal activity and women to be the gatekeepers regulating oversexed men. But when I personally had experiences that conflicted somewhat with that teaching, I was confused and I strayed. I basically rejected the whole thing because parts of the theology I’d been taught weren’t true. While I bear all the fault for not seeking the real answers in the Word of God, it would be easier for young people if we told them the real deal: God wants you to have sex and enjoy it immensely, but in His sovereign wisdom He reserved it for marriage.

It’s worth asking yourself what messages about sex you’ve internalized and whether those really comport with what God says about sex. Some well-meaning Christians can present erroneous information, oftentimes because it’s what they were taught. We need to seek real answers from God’s Word.

Develop a healthy theology of sex, so that you understand it as (1) a blessing, (2) intended for reproduction, pleasure, and intimacy, and (3) reserved for the covenant bonds of marriage. By the way, that last one is not because God wants to deny us anything; rather, He wants us to enjoy the full measure of His gift and He knows that sex outside of marriage can easily damage one or both people. As Deuteronomy 10:12-13 says: And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?”

Find a godly mate. Finally, my best advice is to find a godly husband. I’m not talking about a perfect husband, that man who doesn’t exist except in romance novels and imaginations. Rather, if you want a great sex life someday, your best bet is to marry someone who also seeks God’s will — in everything.

Listen, whatever challenges you have in the marriage bed — whether it’s just wedding night awkwardness, or medical issues that create obstacles to sexual intimacy, or past sexual encounters that left wounds — having a mate who also understands the importance of sexual intimacy in marriage and who is loving and respectful of you will make everything smoother. Most marriages have ups and downs in the sex department, but being a team to work through those peaks and valleys is a far better situation than being at odds with one another.

The people who write me with major issues typically have one spouse who doesn’t want to tackle the problem head-on or who stubbornly pursues their own selfish ways. If you’ve got a guy, though, who’s committed to 1 Corinthians 13 love, you can weather all kinds of stuff. Of course, you should also be committed to that kind of love as well. I’ve often said that single women should spend less time looking for Mr. Right and more time becoming Mrs. Right.

I haven’t read it, but I understand The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas is an excellent book for singles on finding a godly mate. (I did read Sacred Marriage by the same author, and it was really good.) I’m also rather partial to The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After by Elizabeth Kantor, which is not a Christian book but still a good resource for mate-picking.

One final note: When you do find The Guy, get some premarital counseling. And make sure it covers the topic of sex. Preengaged has some great resources in that regard, and I guarantee Heather and Eric there can talk biblically and honestly about sex.