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Technical Difficulties

Just a quick note to my subscribers to explain that I’m without Internet. My apologies if I have not approved or replied to your comment. I just can’t get to it. I should be back to a normal schedule on Wednesday and have a new post on Thursday.

In the meantime, I’m praying for your marriages!

Blessings!

-J

Must Your Bedroom Be a Love Den?

Have you heard that your bedroom should be reserved for sex and sleeping? Have you heard that the TV should get the boot out of the bedroom? Have you heard that you should spruce up your bedroom to make it a romantic atmosphere? I have. I bet you have too.

But I only partially agree.

Sure, I would love to get down with the hubby in a room like this:

Bedroom in Mandarin Oriental Dhara Dhevi villa

By Takeaway via Wikimedia Commons

Or this:

Jaipur Hotel. Sheesh Mahal Suite.

By Richard Moross from London (Samode Haveli Uploaded by Ekabhishek) via Wikimedia Commons

Or even this:

Pillow Talk bedroom

Anyone remember it from Pillow Talk?

And I am wholly in favor of doing whatever you can to make the bedroom inviting and removing distractions — such as clutter — that can keep a willing wife’s mind from focusing on the pleasure at hand.

However, I wonder at times if we put too much emphasis on our surroundings. My husband and I have had marvelous sex in beautiful, pristine hotel rooms and on an air mattress on the floor of the in-laws’ house. We’ve enjoyed times with candles and classical music in the background and with the bluish light and booming sound of the television in the background. And after hearing some of the places you spouses have had sex in my Where To Have Sex, Part 1 and Part 2 posts, maybe comfort isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Must you have a nice bedroom set with a mountain range of pillows and a hanging chandelier? If that’s your thing, go for it. It can’t hurt to set the mood! But plenty of couples around the world are doing just fine on a mat on the floor of their hut.

You shouldn’t expect that a little change in scenery will automatically lift your sagging sex life to one of fabulous intimacy. That said, it can help to set the stage. So here are some things to consider when deciding what your bedroom should have to be conducive to lovemaking.

What media sources are a hindrance for you as a couple? As to having a TV in the bedroom, I lost that battle in marriage. As it turns out, we have a very nice TV that faces the bed. It can be enjoyable to snuggle up and watch a movie together. Sometimes we even finish the movie. Sometimes we don’t. For us, a television, a laptop, a tablet, etc. are not a problem for our intimacy if we cozy up together while on the media source. But I can’t talk or text on the cell phone there, and my husband should probably stay away from playing longer games. We’ve learned what works and what doesn’t. Each couple needs to ask how it’s going and set some boundaries.

What atmosphere do you prefer? Does lighting matter for you? Do smells affect your level of arousal? Do you desire a calm, neat bedroom? Or can you toss the laundry off the bed and get to it? I hope that you can sometimes do the last one there, whether or not you desire it — because otherwise, some couples would never have sex. Know and aim for what you like, avoid what you simply can’t abide, and be willing to settle in between if needed.

How much time, effort, and money can you expend? Like I said, if I could have a professionally decorated and regularly cleaned (by someone else) bedroom, I’d be all over that. Most of us, however, aren’t hiring an interior decorator and buying our dream furniture and decor. We have to ask what we can do with what we have. I personally put more effort into what I wear to bed than what my bed wears, but my linens do match. You can decide for yourself what your schedule and budget permit.

What does your spouse care about? If you don’t care about your surroundings, but your spouse does, it’s worth it to pay attention. Why not do a little something extra and make your bedroom an inviting place?

Who else is part of this equation? Do you live in your parents’ or in-laws’ house? Well, you can’t exactly turn their guest room into Sex Central. Is your space limited such that the infant’s crib is in your room? Until you can change that, you may have to put up with changing table and rocking chair in your bedroom — not exactly the wink-wink you want from your environment. You may have other considerations for the time-being. As soon as you can, create the right environment for frequent and rollickin’ good times, but you may have to wait on your dream room.

For some practical tips on making your bedroom a great place for intimacy, check out In the Bedroom from Erin of Mystery32 blog. She has some fabulous suggestions.

You’re Not Competing

  • NFL cheerleader calendars 
  • Airbrushed cover model photos
  • Larger-than-life, ever-so-revealing posters at Victoria’s Secret
  • Hooters restaurants
  • Women leaning over near our husbands with a low-cut dress, impossibly large breasts, and a WonderBra
  • Women bending over near our husbands with low-cut jeans, a black lacy thong, and a butterfly tramp stamp

Why do we dislike these things?

Women are hard-wired to see every major and minor flaw in our physique. Meanwhile, men are hard-wired to drool like Pavlov’s dogs at any bootylicious babe within a five-mile radius. Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that scream, You aren’t doing it for him, and that chick is!

Perhaps I’m overly sensitive. Does my husband really spend his time in the grocery line gazing at the Cosmopolitan magazine cover model with the caption “1001 Ways to Please Your Man”? Does he fixate on the hard-body 19 year old in her string bikini jogging up the beach while I drag our children, a beach umbrella, a mesh tote, and sand buckets to the shoreline? I’ve never caught him doing so.

But sometimes I wonder how my man can be satisfied with the not-so-perfect gal he’s got at home when there are so many gorgeous ladies behind the other Let’s-Make-a-Deal doors?

And yet, most men are quite content.For a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Or, in this case, a pretty-enough wife in the home is worth two babes in the magazine. I love what Paul Newman said about staying true to his wife of fifty years: “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?” Was Joanne Woodward the prettiest woman you’ve ever seen? She was to Paul, and she was right there at home.

The Bible is clear that we need to keep our eyes from those who would entice us away from a faithful marriage (Job 31:1). But if your husband happens to catch a glimpse of Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie, or Beyoncé in a particularly revealing outfit or pose, he’s not thinking about that when you get home and change into your birthday suit. You’re not in competition at that moment with every teaser and tantalizer. Intimacy and availability trump imperfection every time.

Besides, unlike supermodels, most of us do not have a nanny to care for our children while a personal trainer and dietitian whip us into shape, a make-up artist and fashion designer to ready us for a photo shoot, or a photographer and magazine editor to airbrush out arm flab and crows’ feet. Our husbands know that. Even so, we should display to them the beauty that God delicately wove into us.

Your husband found you attractive, chose you, wants you. You are still desirable. Keep yourself up, as best you can. Help him have eyes only for you. And remember, when you are in his sights, images of other women fall out of his memory like old high school algebra equations.

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”

Song of Songs 4:7