Tag Archives: what does the Bible say about sex

8 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had NO Filter (Heaven Help Us All)

Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage started it, by posting 9 Things I’d Say about Sex If I Had No Filter. A few others (like Generous Husband) joined in on this concept, and I’ve decided to give it a go as well.

This was a real challenge, though, because I kind of don’t have a filter. (My husband laughed unnecessarily loud when I told him that.) I pretty much say what I think, although I give deep thought to how I say it. So maybe that’s my filter after all.

Anyway, here are eight things I’d say about sex if I said them exactly how they run through my brain — before I pretty them up for my blog.

woman with hand over mouth + blog post title

FOR BOTH WIVES AND HUSBANDS

1. Oh, for heaven’s sake, sex is all over the Bible! When naysayers are critical or appalled at the honest talk on my blog, I wonder if we’re even reading the same Bible. Because I remember trying to read through the Bible with my young children, and I couldn’t get far without a story about sex cropping up here and there. Everything from “Adam knew Eve” to Lot and his lunatic daughters and on and on, the Bible is filled with God telling stories and giving commands about His gift of sexual intimacy and its horrible abuses.

Yes, we need to be kind and gentle and respectful in how we talk about sex, but for heaven’s sake, it’s all over the Bible! Responsible Christian sex authors aren’t addressing anything God didn’t address in His Word.

2. Stop withholding or stop demanding, and stop acting like the other one is the whole problem. Withholders and demanders always have reasons why they’re doing it: “If he would only, then I would __.” “As my wife, she owes me __.” Or whatever. But as long as you are arrogantly certain the problem lies with the other person, nothing will improve.

If you’re demanding, stop that. Even if your spouse is supposed to give you sex, and I agree (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), you’re not thus relieved of God’s calling for you to be patient, kind, selfless, etc. See 1 Corinthians 13 — a few chapters later!

And to the withholders — even if your spouse doesn’t understand how tired you are or needy of romance you are or whatever (and yes, they likely should treat you better), that doesn’t mean that you get to erect a wall, post guards, and deny entrance to the garden. When you said I do, part of that was I do sex. (Look it up! It’s in the Bible.)

Yep, if you’re on one of these extremes, you can rationalize all day long but it won’t negate that you are not in line with God’s intention for your marriage and things won’t get better until one of you changes. Since you can’t force your spouse to change, how about you start?

3. Talk to your children about sex — yesterday, today, tomorrow, and on and on until they are good and raised. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you feel unqualified. Yes, your children might buck you at times. But the world will be sending erroneous messages to your child almost 24/7 from the moment they can read the magazine cover in the grocery store line. It’s your God-given responsibility to get over the awkwardness and give your child the truth about sexual intimacy.

By toddlerhood, we parents have been peed on, vomited on, and who knows what else. Face it: We signed up for difficult and awkward! Come on, I believe in you. Step up and talk to your children about sex — now, and again and again.

FOR THE WIVES

4. Relax already! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts. If you tense every time like you’re getting a pelvic exam, it’s no wonder you don’t like sex. You’ve got to relax to enjoy this intimate experience with your husband! Think of sex like a spa day for your girly parts, where your most arouse-able areas get extra-stimulated and pampered. Lean into the interesting sensations like you would a fabulous massage or a relaxing pedicure.

If you practice relaxing and focusing on how you feel in those moments, you might find your body is capable of some super-neat sensations. And your husband has nice skills — especially once you hint or tell him where you like to be touched. Stop thinking about how you look, or what someone else would think, or if the kids will walk in (you locked the door, right?), or whatever. Relax!

5. Get into it. Flirt. Tease. Move. Moan. Wouldn’t it stink to go out dancing and have your husband merely shuffle his feet through the tango (or Texas two-step where I live)? Likewise, it ain’t enough to show up and offer your body like it’s a big sacrificial gesture. Don’t merely go through the motions. It doesn’t make you embarrassing or sleazy to really get into it.

Own your sexuality! Flirt with your husband. Tease and touch him. Move around as you make love. Moan and scream. Let loose and you might find you enjoy it more! He’ll really like it too. Trust me on that.

6. So what if the kids hear! You think that‘s what will cause them to seek therapy? Sure, I’ve probably done something as a mom for which my kids could seek therapy someday — some mistake on my part a few counseling sessions would help. But I’m fairly certain that moment your kids realize their parents have sex won’t ruin them or cause Freud to sit up in his coffin and shout, “Told you so!” Kids are more resilient than that!

Even if your children do hear or (heaven forbid) walk in, They. Will. Be. Okay. It’s actually good for children to know their parents make love and that sexual intimacy is a gift from God to marriage. So stop worrying so much. Of course you should lock the door, tuck away your intimacy aids, and hold off having naked Twister in the living room until they’re gone, but if they hear? Hey, that’s just what loving mommies and daddies do.

FOR THE HUSBANDS

7. She’s never had an orgasm? What are you doing wrong?! To be fair, there is a percentage of wives who have major issues reaching orgasm, and it has nothing to do with their husbands. But honestly, there’s a contingent of men out there who haven’t made this the patient priority they should.

Look, I know it’s annoying you can get there in five minutes and she takes forty. But she will like sex more when you help her find that real climax. And orgasms beget orgasms, so even if you have to spend a lot of time at first helping her figure out what gets her aroused and learning what you can do to stimulate her, it will pay off in the long run. That first orgasm is often the hardest to reach.

Now don’t worry if she doesn’t orgasm every single time (sometimes, some wives don’t even want to that much), but please make it a priority for her to reach climax fairly regularly. You’ll both be happier if you can figure this out.

8. Were you raised by wolves? You can’t just sniff her out, honk a breast, and think you’re getting some tonight. You are not an animal, you’re a real man. That means you woo your woman. You didn’t just catch her and drag her back to your den years ago and now the chase is over. Nope. You’ll be pursuing her for the rest of your life.

Tuck that away in your brain and figure out how to make her feel so loved and desired and valued and appreciated and beautiful . . . that making love to you sounds like a dream come true. Take your time: Show her your romantic side, touch and kiss just for the sake of it, pay attention to the areas of her body that are not erogenous zones, and treat her like the “weaker sex” (1 Peter 3:7). That verse doesn’t mean she’s actually weak, but rather Handle With Care.

Oh, and help her deal with those distractions that keep her from focusing on the two of you. In summation, no honking a breast and make her feel blessed.

That’s it! Eight things I’d say if I had no filter. Which, heaven help us all, I’ve now said.

What Does a Sex Devotional Look Like?

Woman readingOne of the reasons you should study your Bible again and again is that you’ll glean different lessons from different readings. Depending on where you are in your life and your spiritual journey, God can speak to you through His Word right where you are.

Have you ever had that experience? Like when you read a Bible story you’ve heard time and time again and notice something that hadn’t stuck out to you before. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is tugging you in a direction you need to pay attention to—something you need to apply to the life you’re living now.

That’s how my new book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage, came about. I started looking at scriptures I’d seen numerous times and noticing that they had application to my marriage . . . and even to my sexual intimacy. Even familiar Bible stories contained biblical principles I could apply to my marriage bed.

Digging further into the Word of God, I drafted 60 devotions and then chose 52 to include in the book. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the leftover eight, but I’d either covered the point in another chapter or a devotion didn’t fit as well with all the others. From that “cutting room floor,” here’s an example of a Bible story you may have heard about Nehemiah, but with an application to your marriage and marital intimacy.

Scripture

Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, “The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.” Also our enemies said, “Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work.” Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.”

Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.”

NEHEMIAH 4:10-14

Our marriages are under daily attack, just like the Israelites were when rebuilding the Jerusalem wall. Look around at the plethora of sinful sexual messages in our culture, and it’s easy for us to also say, “Wherever you turn, they will attack us.” It can be overwhelming at times to weed through what the world says about sex—that it’s foolish to wait until you’re married, that it’s purely physical, that there are no limits, etc.—and settle on the truth of God’s design instead. It can feel especially foolhardy to trust in God’s plan when your marital sex life isn’t everything you hoped it would be.

But maybe the wall simply isn’t built all the way yet. And the enemy doesn’t want you to succeed in erecting a strong wall in your marriage—a solid structure of satisfying sexual intimacy. He wants your marriage to be rubble. So what’s our answer? Like Nehemiah, we need to do two things: Guard the wall and trust in God’s plan.

Nehemiah set sentries to protect the workers, and likewise we need to guard our hearts and minds against wrong views of sex. Then Nehemiah appeals to the people: “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” We need not cower or apologize for our view of good sex in marriage, but rather remember God and His excellent plan and fight for our families. Our best defense against the enemy is the offense of an ever-growing marriage and God-honoring sexual intimacy.

Questions

♥ What erroneous messages about sex is the world sending today? How do they differ from God’s perfect plan for sexual intimacy in marriage?

♥ Where do you need to focus in your marriage? What needs to happen to strengthen your wall of sexual intimacy?

Prayer

Glorious God, we praise You and Your perfect plan for humankind. Thank You for the excellent examples of faith and righteousness throughout the Bible. I know my marriage is under attack from the enemy, and I don’t want to give the devil even a foothold through weaknesses in our sex life. So I pray You will help me guard my heart and my mind against sinful messages from the world about sex. Help me also to trust in Your plan and to be faithful in pursuing godly sexual intimacy in my marriage. In the name of Christ I pray, Amen.

What lesson or lessons do you draw from this story of Nehemiah and the building of the wall? How can you apply God’s plan for His people to your marriage specifically?

For more devotions, check out Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage. (And yes, this would make a great Christmas gift!)

Intimacy Revealed Book CoverWhat does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Purchase e-book:

Amazon for Kindle
Barnes & Noble for Nook
Print book

Intimacy Revealed: My New Devotional Book Is Here!

Some themes crop up again and again on Hot, Holy & Humorous, like:

  • Sex is a gift from God to marriage.
  • God’s generosity is seen in how pleasurable and intimate sex can be for a married couple.
  • The Word of God is our guide for how to have God-honoring sexual intimacy.
  • Scriptures about marriage can be applied to the marital bedroom, as can scriptures about how to treat ourselves and one another.

Early in 2014, I began to earnestly search the Bible for lessons for the marriage bed and draft devotions based on what I found. I was amazed by how God’s plan for marriage and sexual intimacy shines through so many passages, both those we consider marriage scriptures and ones we don’t usually think to apply to that relationship.

I would love to walk you through that journey of discovering how God’s Word can nurture the sexual intimacy in your marriage. And my new devotional book, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage, does just that.

Intimacy Revealed book coverWhat does the Bible say about sexual intimacy?

Quite a lot actually. From marriage-specific scriptures to biblical principles, Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage guides Christian wives through weekly devotions that shed light on God’s gift of marital sex.

Each week includes a Bible passage, application, questions, and a prayer. These short devotions will deepen your understanding of God’s design of sexuality and encourage you toward a holier, happier, and hotter marriage.

Amazon (Kindle ebook)
Barnes & Noble (Nook ebook)
Print book

Many devotional books are 365 days, but I went for 52 weekly devotions. To be honest, when I try those 365-day ones, I hit about March 8 and feel bad that I’m still on January 27. (And all too often, by June I’ve just given up.)

Yes, of course, I should study the Bible daily, but my devotional activities tend to be a mix-and-match sort of thing — depending on what other Bible-study pursuits I’m involved in at the time. So weekly devotionals on sexual intimacy seemed just about right to me, allowing you to work on this aspect of your marriage while still doing other devotional or Bible study activities. You’ll also have time to ponder the questions throughout the week and maybe try out a different approach to a challenge in your marriage.

Each devotion only requires a few minutes. However, you may want to spend more time on the questions to really dig into your own marital situation and how to apply the Word of God there.

This devotional book is intended for wives in any stage of marriage. Whether your sex life is struggling or doing pretty well, the Word of God can illuminate areas where you can foster greater intimacy in your marriage.

The ebook is ready for purchase right now, from Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Priced at $4.99, the ebook is cheaper than a tube of personal lubricant, a pair of Victoria’s Secret undies, or a bottle of bubble bath. I’d assert that your marital intimacy is worth $5 and 10-15 minutes a week.

The print book will be available very soon, since I’m just waiting on proof copies to double-check before I click Publish. I’ll announce here (and everywhere else I can) when the print format goes live.

As you can see, I’m pretty excited about this. From germ of an idea to fully-finished book is a journey in and of itself, but even more wonderful was what I learned and had reinforced as I wrote and then read back through the devotions. My God is a loving, generous Father. And today especially, it’s easy to thank Him for the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy in marriage.

May you experience all He has in store for you in your marriage!

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Marriage Movie: My Review of THE SONG

On Saturday, my husband and I went to see The Song, a movie described on its website as follows:

Aspiring singer-songwriter Jed King is struggling to catch a break and escape the long shadow of his famous father when he reluctantly agrees to a gig at a local vineyard harvest festival.  Jed meets the vineyard owner’s daughter, Rose, and a romance quickly blooms. Soon after their wedding, Jed writes Rose “The Song,” which becomes a breakout hit. Suddenly thrust into a life of stardom and a world of temptation, his life and marriage begin to fall apart.

Song Movie WallpaperThe advertisements say that the movie is inspired by the Song of Solomon. And it is. However, more accurately, it’s inspired by the life of King Solomon. This story is something of a modern-day retelling, and the movie is saturated with scriptures from Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon.

Going into the theater, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’d seen other faith-themed films, and they’ve varied in quality and popularity. So while I dared to hope, I wasn’t walking in with great expectations.

I was surprised by the structure of the film — the sequence of protagonist Jed’s life and the way a narrator integrates Bible verses into the scenes. To me, this film struck an intriguing balance between biblical foundation and real (and sometimes messy) life. This is not a family, feel-good film. But it is a very real portrayal of how our choices in love, work, and faith impact our lives.

This film gets a thumbs-up from me. My husband and I both smiled at the humor and the tender moments in the film. We tensed when the characters began making poor choices (because we remember how that feels in a marriage and what bad consequences can come). We ached and even wept when things fell apart. We yearned for a happy ending. The story drew us in, tugged at our hearts, and reminded us of what matters.

As I said, the story is real — so yeah, there’s some sinful stuff on the screen. I didn’t think it was egregious, but it’s there enough to make the point. The acting is superb, and at times the performances hit close to home. (Honestly, if this wasn’t a biblically based movie, I wonder if lead actor Alan Powell would be up for some acting awards.)

Alan Powell & Ali Faulkner in the lead roles

Alan Powell & Ali Faulkner in the lead roles

What I appreciated most was both husband and wife were flawed. There are many lessons spouses could draw from this movie. It’s the husband’s story, so we follow him more. But you can see how these people slowly slide into a terrible situation and, once there, don’t know how to get out. In fact, there was one scene that channeled certain feelings from my past when my own marriage was a wreck — when we were both in such emotional pain that we just wanted the pain to stop. And we sent ourselves further into hurt before God pulled us out of the pit.

I also related, very sad to say, to the temptress in the movie. The way she flirted was familiar from my long-ago days of premarital promiscuity. So I believe the filmmakers cast her character in a believable light as well.

Some time ago, I wrote about avoiding adultery, based on Proverbs 5. My post aligns well with this movie, since the progression was displayed right there on the screen. (However, intimacy after an affair is more than possible when God becomes the focus of your situation.)

Of course, adultery isn’t the only seemingly insurmountable problem in marriages. My own marriage has never experienced adultery, but at one point, we were hanging on by a thread. Yet I still saw the trajectory of my marriage in The Song — the neglect and pain, the choices and consequences, the heartbreak and redemption.

Let me assure you that — thank God — my marriage has a happy ending! A very, very Happy Ever After!

As for The Song, you’ll have to see the movie for yourself.

I’m glad for all the Christian voices out there proclaiming what God’s Word says — that marriages often have problems, yet “nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). Hot, Holy & Humorous is one of those voices. And so is The Song.

I pray that we reach out to people through as many means as we can. Movies can be especially powerful. And maybe some of those unaware that the Bible speaks into marriage and sexuality will see this movie and discover the modern-day relevance of God’s Word.

Have you seen The Song? If so, what did you think? And what questions do you have for me about the movie?

A Message to Your Pastor (and Mine)

Last Thursday, I asked, Will Your Pastor Preacher on Sex? Only a handful of people commented that their pastor had indeed spoken publicly on the topic of sexuality in their church. Which is sad.

Especially since the Bible has so much to say about it.

Pastor's hands holding Bible & blog post title

But before we get frustrated with preachers for not speaking up and speaking out about sexual intimacy, I want you to know that I have compassion for pastors. I’ve been in close relationships with them and seen the pressure they receive. Many hear from church members to preach on this and not on that, to say more of this and less of that, to say it this way and not that, etc. And yes, I’ve been there when a preacher mentioned sex from the pulpit and got an earful from parents of young children who thought it was inappropriate.

It’s easy to say that pastors should ignore all those voices and simply preach the Word, but:

  1. They are human. And have you ever been under heavy fire like that? It can be very discouraging.
  2. Their jobs and family livelihood are tied to these choices. Surely, you consider how what you say at your job could affect your employment. Just consider that they may face the same concerns.
  3. Most pastors try to both preach the Word and be responsive to their congregation. If their churchgoers don’t seem to want a sermon on sex, they may conclude that they can deliver the message in a different way or simply use their precious time to preach on something the congregation does seem to want and need.
  4. Some pastors don’t feel like they’re in a good place to preach on sex because their own marriages are not in a good place regarding sexual intimacy.

I believe what pastors largely need is not our frustration and criticism, but our reassurance and support. Maybe we can counteract the voices that object to mentions of sex in the pulpit with a message of encouragement. Maybe our words can embolden our pastors to speak on the tough stuff and reach out to those in need of godly wisdom regarding sexual intimacy.

Could you take your pastor aside and give him that message of encouragement? Could you write your pastor a note or letter explaining why you believe this topic is important, and why you trust your pastor to deliver a good sermon? Could you speak to the elders and let them know you desire and support efforts to speak up on sexuality as a church?

Look, I’m just little ole me in my church — one of many sitting on a chair in the sanctuary on Sundays. I’m not on church staff or a pastor’s wife or in any formal leadership position. But I believe the voices of the congregation matter in encouraging those in leadership to be bold and faithful to the Word. A swell of voices from the sanctuary could be just the gentle push your pastor needs to speak what God has put on his heart to speak.

Here’s my message to your pastor (and mine):

While engaging in my online ministry, I have heard so many stories of hardship and heartache regarding sexual intimacy in marriage. For many spouses, there is confusion, pain, and temptation surrounding the sexual act. But I have also heard stories of redemption and revival, once couples begin to experience sexuality in their marriage the way God intended. I know, as a pastor, you’ve heard such stories from individuals and couples as well.

You have many topics competing for attention as people try to navigate this topsy-turvy world, but I want to encourage you to preach from the pulpit and/or teach in a Bible class on the subject of godly sexuality. With so many wrong messages out there, the Church must be even more bold about teaching the truth of God’s design for sex. Not only have some in our congregation been impacted by adultery, pornography, and sexual assault, but many marriages are suffering from sexual deprivation and lack of intimacy or conflict and bitterness surrounding the marriage bed.

You have my full support to speak up regarding these matters according to the Word of God. I will speak to the elders on your behalf and actively defend you among those in our congregation who may struggle with this private act being appropriately discussed in public. If we need to provide additional care or programs for children during sermon time so that you can be free to say what needs to be said, I will help in any way I can. If I disagree with something you say, I will speak to you respectfully and privately, and I will encourage others to do the same. I will be an advocate for you and the importance of dealing with this topic head-on in our church.

I appreciate your willingness to speak where the Bible speaks. Please know also that I will pray for you and your own marriage. May God bless you and your ministry!

Now what would you like to say to your pastor? How could you encourage him to speak up and speak out on the timely issue of sexual intimacy in marriage?