Tag Archives: what’s okay for Christians and sex

Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

Today’s question is an interesting one. It involves a practice you may or may not be aware of. This post is also more graphic than normal, so if it makes you highly uncomfortable, please click away and rejoin us for the Saturday post.

Here’s what the husband reader asks:

I got a question topic for you …and would like you to have a topic about it…pegging…where the wife does the husband. …I like woman’s point of view of it….maybe some husbands. …I’ll give ya time to look into study what does it do for the woman maybe letting her [dominate]. The wife giving the love, the husband receiving it.

Q&A with J: Pegging. Is It Okay?

In case you don’t know, pegging involves a woman using a dildo or strap-on penis and providing the man anal sex. What do I think about it?

No.

I could end there, but maybe you’d like some biblical and practical backup for my answer. Let me start with some questions for the reader and others considering this controversial practice.

Why would you want to do this?

Sometimes I think it would be cool to switch bodies just once with my husband, so that each of us could experience what the other feels during sex. But that’s just a curiosity! Genesis 5:2 says, “He created them male and female and blessed them.” We were made different with each gender being blessed in its own way.

Pegging feels like an attempt to switch gender places, with her being the penetrator and him being the receptor. But that’s not how we’re made. I celebrate that I am female and that my experience of sexual intimacy involves my husband penetrating my body, not the other way around. And he appreciates his own male-blessed role in our marriage bed.

If you’re longing for something different from that, maybe you need to rethink how you feel about the body God gave you and its special abilities and blessings.

Why does anal sex appeal to you?

While I am opposed to anal sex for various reasons, I at least understand why the man would want to penetrate the smaller opening that an anus provides. (There are plenty of other ways, however, to achieve additional friction and pressure.) Yet when a man desires being penetrated that way, we have historically viewed that as a homosexual practice.

Romans 1:27 says, “In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Those “shameful acts” certainly had to include anal sex with one another. Having that same kind of sex with a man-shaped object (dildo or strap-on) appears to be a substitute, even if your wife is the one doing it. And the Bible clearly is opposed.

What about prostate pleasure?

One argument for anal play for men is that having their prostate massaged increases the occurrence and intensity of orgasm. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland between the penis and rectum that’s involved in the production of semen; it secretes a fluid that nourishes and protects the sperm which then flows through the urethra in ejaculation. It’s not surprising, therefore, that stimulation of this organ is often believed to bring about stronger ejaculations.

Given the proximity of the prostate and the rectum, some believe that’s the best route to reach that spot. However, there are other ways to reach that spot that don’t involve the rectum. I think we too often neglect the area between the testicles and the anus. That’s a great place to massage and stroke, thus providing more stimulation to the area that contains the prostate gland. I’ve actually written about this area in Making the Most of His Manhood. You can’t directly touch the prostate, so it’s all indirect stimulation. But the penis extends past the scrotum, and that oft-bypassed area deserves a bit of attention.

Also, sexual positions can provide indirect stimulation of our interior arousal spots. To discover what works for you, try various positions and see what feels good. I suspect you’ll find that some positions provide more intense climaxes than others. This is likely true for both you and your wife, so be willing to use positions that give her the orgasm she enjoys as well.

What about letting her be dominant?

This is one of the arguments the reader gives for pegging — that it’s an opportunity for the woman to dominate in the marriage bed. There can certainly be times while making love that the husband or wife takes charge and directs the activity more than the other. The wife taking charge could be a major turn-on for the husband, or it could facilitate her reaching orgasm more easily, or it could simply be a way to switch things up.

But for the life of me, I can’t imagine how strapping on a dildo and pegging would feel dominant. If anything, it would make me feel like a tool for what my guy wants and that he wants something I don’t have. It doesn’t play into a woman’s natural strengths.

Regardless, that feeling of her in charge can be reached in many other ways — through sexual positions, communication, sexual play (like a blindfold for him?), and more. If you want your wife to take charge, let her take charge. And I bet almost every woman wouldn’t have pegging on their I-want-that list.

Sexuality is in flux in our society. On one hand, there’s more information available now than ever, including in churches. The acceptance of sexuality and our libidos is an improvement on some messages from our history that treated sex like a filthy activity or merely a man’s need. On the other hand, a lot of sex in our culture has been divorced from marriage and even relationship.

When sex becomes about physical pleasure, and especially self-pleasure, people often focus on more and more intense activities to increase physical sensations. “Spicing it up” is no longer defined as introducing greater arousal and fun into your bedroom, but rather kinkier and riskier sexual behaviors. It becomes about pushing the envelope with fringe activities. Pegging falls in that category.

If you want satisfying sexual intimacy, turn your attention and your heart toward the intimacy between husband and wife. Be spicy and exciting, but be loving and respectful too. You have so much freedom in the marriage bed, so explore all those activities that can truly make sex in your marriage something to treasure.

Married, Consenting Adults: Whose Okay Really Matters?

Have you noticed that in our current culture a number of historically problematic sexual activities have become No Big Deal or even encouraged? Most often, the reason I hear is that it’s between “consenting adults.”

We also hear this about marriage. After all, whose business is it if a married couple mutually agrees to engage in whatever sexual act they choose? They’re adults, they consented. Surely, then, everything’s okay.

Couple Lying On Bed Holding Question Marks & blog post title

I am disturbed by this trend in the larger culture, but among Christians, it’s particularly distressing. Even if husband and wife consent, there’s yet another vote that matters! Do you have the consent of your Lord and Father, the One who created sex?

So, what if you decide in your marriage that you want your husband to get his sexual needs met elsewhere? Or you’re both willing to couple swap, or “swing”? Our Lord says:

“You must not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14, Deuteronomy 5:18).

“You must not covet your neighbor’s wife” (Exodus 20:17).

“But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself” (Proverbs 6:32, NLT).

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

How about watching porn, reading erotica, going to strip joints together? After all, you’re consenting to do it together. And what if it’s “just want to spice up [your] marriage”?

“I made a covenant with my eyes
not to look lustfully at a young woman.
For what is our lot from God above,
our heritage from the Almighty on high?
Is it not ruin for the wicked,
disaster for those who do wrong?
Does he not see my ways
and count my every step?” (Job 31:1-4).

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5, emphasis added).

And maybe you get aroused by striking your mate in the bedroom, by introducing intense S&M practices, by pushing your pain-pleasure limits? Isn’t it okay if you’re both consenting?

“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion” (Psalm 11:5).

“From the fruit of their lips people enjoy good things, but the unfaithful have an appetite for violence” (Proverbs 13:2).

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12).

“For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13).

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” (Galatians 5:22-23, NLT, emphasis added).

Today, I am simply letting the Bible speak for itself. Soak in God’s Word and reflect on it.

When you consider what sexual intimacy in your marriage should look like, think not only about the husband’s consent and the wife’s consent, but the consent of the third partner in your marriage — God Himself. Indeed, I would argue God’s consent matters the most.