Storing Your Sexy Stuff

Lucy & Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy

from I Love Lucy

One of my kids came into my bedroom and was perusing my three-foot tall stack of books to be read. (I have a marvelously tenacious book habit.) Then the question came, “What is this book?!!” The title? Crazy Good Sex by Christian author, Dr. Les Parrott.

Uh-oh. Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!

Prompted by this event and a conversation with a close friend about lingerie she didn’t want her kids to discover, I decided to do a little research to see if there were storage containers with LOCKS for the super-sexy stuff that we married couples might use from time to time.

Whether it’s a a box of condoms, a pair of crotchless panties, personal lubricant, or a book called 99 Sexual Positions That Won’t Put You in Traction (And One That Will), you might want to tuck certain items away from curious kids, nosy in-laws, or probing house guests. So where do you put your sensual supplies?

Here are a few options:

PRACTICAL.

Toolbox

Pic from www.homedepot.com

Your local home improvement store will probably have a plastic tool box in stock to which you can add a padlock. These are sturdy boxes which come in various sizes and can be easily toted from place to place. Such a box is unlikely to raise suspicion if seen by others. Your hubby might appreciate the sheer functionality of this approach.

Warning: Do not label the box “Mommy & Daddy’s Sex Stuff.” You must remember on your own that this box contains oil for body massages, not creaky door hinges.

DUAL PURPOSE.

The following two were found on the Spice Up Marriage website — a Christian retailer who sold marital aids.

The ToiTissue box looks like a tissue dispenser, and it does hold up to about an inch of Kleenex. Underneath, however, there is a secret drawer in which you can store your unmentionables. As long as you don’t get a vicious cold with your mother-in-law in your house, there will be no reason for her to check the container to replace tissues and discover why her son always has that stupid grin on his face. This item appears to be unavailable now (updated 11/16).

Likewise, the Toibocks container is a jewelry box, but the compartment below is protected by a hidden lock mechanism. Not just anyone can get into this box. So underneath your valuable jewels (or costume jewelry, if you’ve got a stash of that like I do), you can tuck your intimate items away from other eyes. Just make sure you don’t grab the wrong thing as you head out the door. It might be hard to explain that garter belt as a necklace to your coworkers. Also unavailable. Sorry! (updated 11/16)

SPACIOUS.

pic from www.amishhandcrafted.com

This option is my favorite — a beautiful, functional cedar chest. Almost all cedar chests come with a lock (this one has a lock and two keys). You can get cedar chests in many sizes, varied styles, and even different types of wood (despite the name, they aren’t all cedar). They will simply appear as a pretty piece of furniture in your bedroom. Drop all of your pleasure products inside, top it with your grandmother’s old quilt, and no one will be any the wiser. If your kids insist on knowing what treats are stored in there, tell them that they are items from your childhood, each with its own “When I was a kid…” story, and they will leave it alone.

Pic from www.dormsmart.com

How about a trunk? Trunks come in many colors and styles, and almost all are lockable. A trunk can hold quite a bit of your good-times gear. Also for parents, when the little ones finally grow up and move out, you can unload the joy junk into your drawers and then pass along a perfectly good trunk for their young adult years. Just don’t tell them what used to be stored in there. Your daughter probably doesn’t want to think about her sweaters resting where your sexy nurse costume used to be.

SECURE.

Safe

By BrokenSphere via Wikimedia Commons

The most secure storage method may be a safe. After all, if experienced burglars can’t crack open this locked steel cabinet, perhaps your clever four-year-old twins will take longer than the usual five minutes they required to get past every other childproofing product you’ve installed. Floor safe or wall safe, either way you can hide your playful products and bring them out only when you and hubby have the lock’s combination and the lovers’ inclination.

SERIOUS.

Two German Shepherd Dogs

By Flickr user jn2race via Wikimedia Commons

You could always get a couple of attack dogs to guard your stuff. If you feel the need to go this route, however, not only would I not look through your stash; I don’t even want to know what’s in it.

Of course, I’m sure that someone has discovered another perfect solution and has posted the pretty picture on Pinterest. I’m still trying to figure out that social media phenomenon, so I haven’t run across it yet!

One of the lovely things about God-designed intimacy in marriage is its private nature: Husband and wife share something sexy and secret. So where do you store your bedroom goodies? Have you ever thought about keeping your intimate items hidden? Do you have any other brilliant suggestions? (Have you had to make up a story on the fly to explain some item your child accidentally discovered?)

Note: Yes, I’m new to Pinterest. You can find me HERE.

26 thoughts on “Storing Your Sexy Stuff

  1. 247mama

    As always, your humor made me laugh. I too have quite a large pile of books that I am always reading and several of the titles include the topic of sex. My oldest daughter hasn’t asked yet but I know the time is coming. We just have a drawer that is designated for our intimate items and we haven’t had any problems with it. Our kids know that mommy and daddy’s room is not really for them anyway.

    Megan

  2. Anonymous

    We have a shoebox that rests on top of the highest shelf in our room. So far the kids haven’t gotten into it. There have been times though, when we have forgotten to put things away and gotten questions of “what’s this?” (thank goodness they didn’t find the on/off switch!)or “may I put some of this lotion on?” ( no.)
    My silkies etc. are in a tote box under the bed. Again, so far we haven’t crossed the bridge of discovery. Except when my thong might sneak into the laundry basket and be in the pile to be folded by my 4 yr old son. (It is truly humorous to watch a perfectionist try to fold a thong.)

  3. Shelly

    I have never had a problem with my boys snooping. We told them a long time ago (actually started at Christmas) that if they snooped and found something that was meant for them, it would go back to the store. So they just don’t snoop. They never wanted to tempt it.

    We put our toys in a drawer beside my side of the bed. My thought is this… What happens if something happens to my hubby and I? My oldest is 21 and married, my middle son is 18, and then I have a 15 yr old. They would be the ones cleaning this stuff out with possibly my mom and/or sister. What would they think??? lol If you knew my mom and sister and how they would freak (yes, I mean FREAK) you would understand my worry. Actually the thought of them finding cracks me up, but at the same time… I worry. I thought about getting a box putting a note on it that if something were to happen just throw the box away and DO NOT LOOK. But you know what would happen, they would look because you told them NOT to. Oh well. I guess I will be dead and I won’t care, right? 😉

  4. Cheri Gregory

    Wish I’d read this 20 years ago before I came home from work to find that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law had not only done our laundry, but they’d taken it upon themselves to put it away, too. One of them (I still shudder to think who!) decided that I must store my underwear in the 2nd drawer of my nightstand along with…er…martial enjoyment items requiring batteries.

    Still haven’t gotten over the twitch-and-cringe reflex after all these years!

  5. Mary-Ann

    Our children simply never set any foot in our bedroom. At first with the reason of the stored future-presents there. We told our children the same as Shelly: what you see, you don’t get! But when they grow older, we’ll honestly tell them that is’t because of our privacy. And then we’ll make shure that the door get’s a lock. Seems more practical to me than an box or something. Ik have a whole shelf of books ons sex-topics, so otherwise the box has to be a very big one;-)

  6. kris

    We have an overnight bag that we keep in the top of our linen closet in our bathroom. It keeps our battery operated stuff and lubes, etc. Kids know not to snoop anyway, and have never had a problem. No books, so that isn’t a problem at all. Now the towels….:) that’s a whole different story, lol, they are in a wicker basket by the bed. I was a hairdresser for years and have a stack of those towels that are perfect, tmi? 🙂

  7. Anonymous

    I bought a suitcase for a dollar at a garage sale (it was in perfect condition) and we put a suitcase lock on it. And then I told my best friend, IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO MY HUBBY & I, PLEASE TELL THE CHILDREN YOU MUST SEARCH OUR CLOSET FOR THE LOCKED SUITCASE AND REMOVE IT BY THROWING IT AWAY! It works well for weekend get aways too as we can just take the extra case with us.

  8. Greg

    As one of those once-upon-a-time snooping kids, this is wise, practical advice. Though it raises the question–what to do to keep the guard dogs from snooping? 🙂

  9. Anonymous

    I will never forget the day our three year old came to me and asked me to “open this candy I found in your room!” all I could come up with was “that is NOT a candy sweetheart! Thank you for asking me before opening it!” we defiantly could do better at keeping things out of the reach of little hands.

  10. Sara with an H

    We have a toddler (not quite 2yrs) who is very very curious. We’ve set boundaries that our bedroom is not a play area, but when she follows me in there to put laundry away, get dressed, etc, she starts opening drawers. It wasn’t a problem until she got taller and can now reach the top drawers of our nightstands 🙂

    On a funnier note, before we had any kids and were moved into our house, we kept everything in a cardboard office box labeled “The Suitcase.” We had moved all the boxes to the new house earlier that week and this box ended up in our bedroom. When the movers came with the furniture, I was going room to room and moving boxes out of their way. “The Suitcase” got tossed into our closet and all of a sudden I started hearing a rattling cardboard sound and couldn’t figure out what it was…until I realized that I had just tossed the box. I panicked, ran to the box and searched fervently until I found the item that had turned itself on. I turned it off and closed the box just as one of the movers came into the room with some furniture. I almost died! 😀

  11. Swanner

    Oh I love reading all the posts. So funny! I keep everything in a drawer in our closet and so far our girls have respected our boundaries but I know a time will come when I slip up or they see something and I will have some splainin’ to do. I accidentally dropped a thigh high and caught it just before our oldest saw it on the floor. Ugh!

  12. Kristi

    We’re kinda simple around here…we lift up the mattress and shove our stuff as far as our grown up arms can reach and then drop the mattress! So far, our 8, 11, 13 and 17 year old have never bothered to look there. Here’s to believing it’s going to stay that way!

    As a side note: If they ever DO find our sexy stash I would tell them the truth: Mom and Dad think each other is hot! God thinks it’s just fine and one day we hope your intimate life with your spouse is just as hot as ours. We think that’ll probably do the trick with snooping. We talk very openly about how God views sex and we’re really affectionate with one another (appropriately, of course) in front of them. When Daddy comes home…Mommy is the first place he goes for a big, fat kiss. They sometimes giggle, but you just let that man miss doing it and he hears it big time…from THEM! I want my kids to be seriously hot for their spouse and we happen to think that mentality starts right here at home. I WANT them to look forward to the intimacy they’ll have one day with their “sole mate”. It’s a blessing that I pray for my kids to have in abundance for their spouse and from their spouse…toys and all! …grin…

    Once again: AWESOME post, J!

  13. J

    Love the stories and the ideas! The suitcase is particularly cool. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that since it’s where we hide Christmas presents from the kids at times. 😉

  14. Jenny

    We’re probably not going to have children, so thankfully that will most likely never be an issue….although there was the time that my mom cleaned out our fridge and she found edible body icing, which was kind of embarrassing/funny. I do keep the lube hidden in a drawer underneath all my silkies. We normally don’t need it unless it’s a day of multiple….encounters, but it’s good to have it on hand.

    We don’t have any bc to keep hidden, though – my birth control pills have worked solo for the past nine years, never had a problem. They’re 99.9% effective – really the only reason that a woman will get pregnant while on the pill is if she forgets to take it a few times.

  15. Anonymous

    I am blessed all my children are grown and my daughters and I talk openly about this stuff now that they are married. So it will not be an issue if I should pass, they would get rid of it for me.

  16. Anonymous

    We have recently started looking for discreet ways of keeping our supplies hidden but readily accessible. Our daughter is now getting old enough that it is time to do something, so seeing this post was great timing.
    We use olive or coconut oil for lube and I got the idea of pouring it into an old (and thoroughly washed out) Biofreeze pain reliever spray bottle. It looks much less conspicuous on the night stand than a big oil bottle and has the added benefit of allowing for application with out getting our hands all oily.
    On the other hand, we once had a problem with my father-in-law coming in our room to borrow items like the flashlight I keep on the night stand. We talked with him about it but he apparently couldn’t respect that he was crossing a personal boundary. My solution, I intentionally left a couple of fairly tame but obvious toys out next to the flashlight. Problem solved.

  17. Madalynn Carrigan

    I’m getting married in two weeks (even on the internet I like to tell EVERYONE) and I have been contemplating where all of this private things will need to be hidden.
    I never found any of my parents “things” until I was older and at one point I asked my mom “Do you REALLY wear that?!” And she very honestly said “Yes I do! Why shouldn’t I? Your Daddy likes it and thinks I look amazing in it.”

    This is some food for thought though. While I wouldn’t care if my mom every found any of those things, my mother in law finding them might send me into a tizzy. 🙂

  18. Megan

    I’m with Madalyn, I was pretty curious as a kid but somehow the thought never crossed my mind to poke around Mom and Dad’s room. Now with my wedding approaching in less than 4 weeks I was discussing buying a couple of books on intimacy recommended to my fiance and I at premarital counseling and Mom said “oh I think I have that one!”. I was surprised because as an avid bookworm I had seen every book in my mother’s room…or so I thought. I don’t know where she hid them but apparently she had a whole stash of books and I’m sure numerous other items that I never saw. 🙂 We will be living next door to his parents after the first six months and it has been discussed leaving a key with her when we leave for our honeymoon as she would like to stock our fridge for us for when we return…but I’m more mischievous I guess because I rather like wondering what her face would look like if she found anything in the apartment while we are gone?

  19. Anonymous

    My husband and I don’t have kids yet so we haven’t really had to worry about keeping things hidden. The drawer in my nightstand has always worked well….that is until my friend’s 4 year old son happened to be spending the night with us and opened “the drawer”. He pulled out a battery operated toy and said “what’s this”? Talk about 50 shades….my face probably went 50 shades of red….as did my husband’s. I quickly grabbed it and told him it was one of the dog’s toys. He accepted that answer and nothing else was said, until the next time he came over and wanted to go to my bedroom to get Max’s toy! That’s when we started putting them where little hands can’t reach them!

  20. Anonymous

    I have tons of purses but a certain black with polka dots contains a few interesting items 🙂

  21. Anonymous

    Ah, great post even if I am a bit late.
    Just fyi…hobby lobby has boxes, (like cigar boxes) that look like old vintage books. we have one that lays flat on the open shelf of our night stand. It’s dark colored and really not visible.

  22. Anonymous

    More than a year later, I’m reading this post and I’m cracking up. J, I love your writing. You have an excellent sense of humour. Whenever I read your posts I’m always blessed (been reading since January 2013.

    My daughter is only three+ years so we are not yet totally concerned about hiding stuff from her as yet. You’ve provided some great ideas though. I need to put some in place as I have some nosy relatives and in-laws. God bless you J.

  23. Anonymous

    I know this was posted last year, but I had to share. While we were moving to our current house last year, my father-in-law looked down in a box that was open in our living room and found one of our…ahem…restraint-type items. And then, because he has NO shame – he picked ’em up and showed MY HUSBAND’S GRANDMOTHER! (How that got in that box, I’ll never know – it certainly wasn’t supposed to be in there!) I don’t think she realized what they were, though, but my father-in-law STILL brings it up to embarrass me. (My husband’s family is very open with one another…)

Comments are closed.