Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking During Sex?

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Photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Gerad Harris of Mission:Husband is here to give us the hubby’s point of view today. Have you ever wondered what your husband is thinking during sex? I sure have.

Take it way, Gerad!

Men are pretty simple beings for the most part — or compared to our female counterparts anyway. That’s why I find it rather amusing that I get so many emails from wives, trying to figure out what my husband is thinking” about a myriad of topics, but mostly when it comes to sex. Now here’s the deal — I am by no means any kind of expert or sex therapist. I’m just a normal husband with 3 kids and an amazing wife that makes me look better than I am at a lot of things. But what I am a specialist at, is being male. Got that down to a tee (my wife would say too well sometimes . . . lol). So understand that the following points may not be completely true for every husband out there; more than likely, 90% of them will still apply. So, are you ready to take a peek into the deep, dark, mysterious male mind when it comes to what he’s thinking during sex? Well, buckle up, because here we go. What a guy is thinking during sex:

What did she just call my penis? Please don’t name your husband’s member “winkie” or “little guy” or any other name you may have wanted to use for your wiener dog when you were growing up. You might as well walk into the master bathroom, run a bucket of ice-cold water, and proceed to throw it over your husband in bed. What we DO want you to do is tell us how much you want it in you, or how amazing it feels inside you, or how big it is (even if your husband isn’t in the “large” category per se). Also, unless you have told your husband, or shown it by you actions, we have a tendency to think that you feel our penis is a little “gross,” or you don’t like what comes out of it (especially if you’re not really into oral sex). Since our penis is a huge (no pun intended) part of how adequate we feel in the relationship we have with our wife, we take it pretty hard if you seem to avoid or not really care to play with it, touch it, etc. Bottom line, we want you to think our penis is AMAZING. Oh, and one more thing. NEVER make comments (even in joking) implying your husband’s member is smaller than you would like. For example, in the heat of the moment, don’t say anything like “you’re almost hitting that spot, if we could just get it a little longer (or wider or thicker or whatever). I know you didn’t mean it in a bad way, but he will remember it for a LONG time and will forever wonder if he really satisfies you. Instead, ALWAYS make it a POINT to compliment him on how big it is, how good it feels, how much you ache for it, etc.

I wish she wouldn’t just lay there. We understand you aren’t the aggressor sexually most of the time, and that’s fine with us. But what we DO like is for you to be an active, vocal part of sex. Don’t let us do all the “work.” Instead of always allowing your husband to take the lead from foreplay to how you both finish, surprise him with flipping back over on top of him every few times you make love, and tease him with your hands or orally. We love it when our wives are a little playful with us in bed — when you take the reins a little and show us that you don’t just “put up” with having sex with us, but you LOVE it, and we drive you wild too! I understand taking the lead in bed doesn’t come naturally to most wives, but don’t be so scared you’re not going to do it right, that it prevents you from even trying. And to tell you the truth, we couldn’t care less if your “technique” is horrible! What matters to us, is that your showing us you desire/want/need us sexually. That is what matters to us. We can work on technique later.

Is she enjoying it or not? We guys don’t really get subtle. If we’re doing something down there that is putting you through the roof, let us know! Even if you can’t quite form words at the time, audibly say/moan SOMETHING! Bottom line is, let us know you’re enjoying the heck out of this thing! Moan, groan, yell, whatever floats your boat, but just make sure you’re audibly letting your husband know he’s blowing your mind right now. We realize you might be worried about waking the kids up, but if you need to, grab a pillow and yell into that instead. It’s a big turn-on to us guys, when our wives are vocal in bed. Not only that, it makes us feel like we completely rocked your world. 🙂

I wish I knew what she was thinking. What you husband wants to know more than anything, is what turns you on sexually. We want you to tell us what you fantasize about doing with/to us or want done to you. We want to know what you want to do on this particular night. Most times we only stick to the same things we do every time (start with kissing, then breasts, then . . .) because we have no idea what you’re looking for tonight. Please, please, please — speak up! We LOVE it when you tell us what you want us to do to you — not only because it’s a sure bet on pleasing you for us, but because it makes it not seem like we’re the only ones that think sexually. Want to try some new position, or have us start on a certain place tonight, or with a new toy, or whatever, JUST SAY SO!

Does she want me to keep going, or is she bored? I mentioned this a little already, but here’s the deal. When your husband is trying to stimulate you to orgasm, make sure you let him know if what he’s doing will eventually put you over the edge or if he’s just wasting his time. Since generally the wife takes longer then the man to climax, he may think that because it hasn’t happened after 5 minutes, he’s not doing it right, or hitting the right spot, or moving his fingers just right, or whatever. Especially if you’re not very naturally vocal during sex. In his mind, he’s thinking, “Well, this isn’t doing it, so I’d better try something else,” when in reality if he would have just kept going for another 5 minutes, he would have put you over the edge. Most of us husbands would score an “A” in the “eager and willing” category, but we give up easily if we feel like it’s not working. In short, TELL HIM if he should keep going if it’s feeling good, or if he should move up/down/over/etc. if it’s not. He’s not going to be mad or upset, he’s going to love that you helped him figure out what going to rock your world, and in turn, make him feel like he’s “the man.” 😉

One last thing  And this only applies to the couples where the husband has the higher sex drive. If this doesn’t apply to your relationship, skip to the next paragraph. Wives — if you desire sex, don’t hint at it, go right for it (and by “it” I mean your husband’s penis)! Because most guys are already trying to guess whether or not you’re in the mood most of the time, when you ARE in the mood, just come out and say it. Remember what I said about us not really getting subtle? Yeah, odds are your little hints or kisses or flirting or whatever you’re thinking is so obvious to him that you need him, is most likely just confusing him. He’s thinking, “Ok, so she’s acting really odd, but I don’t know is she’s just being “lovey-dovey,” or if she wants sex. Should I try something? No, what if she isn’t, and then she’ll be mad? But why did she just rub my leg?” On and on your husband’s mind will go. But if you reach over and discreetly give him a little squeeze where it counts, there’s not much to interpret there. There’s nothing wrong with telling your husband you need sex tonight. It doesn’t make you any less of a “lady,” it’s not “crass,” it’s totally normal. Don’t be scared to ask; odds are, it will thrill him that you are telling him YOU need HIM. 🙂

Well, there you go. A trip into the male mind. Kind of a strange place, huh? Yeah, sorry about that. We still think it’s a LOT simpler than yours is. 😉 Like I said at the beginning, some of these things might not apply to your husband, but it should at least give you a place to start, and then you can ask questions from there. To your husband, just you being interested in learning about how he thinks in bed is pretty great.

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Gerad Harris blogs at Mission:Husband, a place where “Christian husbands can come and hopefully find something in what I write to help them avoid some of the same pitfalls I have run directly over.” He challenges his readers to be “the best husbands we can be to our wives.” What a marvelous mission indeed!

Also check out his wife’s companion site, Mission: Wife.

22 thoughts on “Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking During Sex?

  1. workinprogress

    LOVE this! Thanks for the great insight into the male brain. I actually ask my husband often about what he’s thinking, and what he likes. I think he likes that I am so eager to know what’s going on in his head. It is very reassuring to know that my man is so content and happy with knowing that he is pleasing me.
    Also, to encourage other wives, I’m a recent convert from “just laying there” to becoming obnoxiously active in bed. My husband couldn’t be happier and I had NO IDEA what I was missing out on! Who knew the mind blowing orgasms that awaited me when I decided to start being more aggressive and active in bed!
    I’d like to comment though that the screaming into the pillow trick might work when you have toddlers, not so much when you have teenagers. I think they’d still hear. It has become a bit of a game to see how silent we can be when the kids are home, and when we have the house to ourselves (which is at least once a week) we have fun with letting loose vocally. I shudder to think what the neighbors might be hearing.. oh well 😉
    Thanks again for sharing from the mystery of the male brain… which, as it turns out, isn’t such a mystery. I guess we have a hard time realizing this as we know that our minds are so much more whacky 😉

  2. Marisa

    Thanks for your wonderful post and insights into the male brain. It’s good to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes so you can better understand and then take it to heart and work with it 😉

  3. James

    I was eating lunch while reading this, and made it all the way to the bottom before I almost spit it all out laughing so hard (“…give him a little squeeze where it counts…”).

    EXCELLENT POST! I will be passing this on!

  4. hiddinsight

    Thank you for doing this. It is a great reminder because it reiterates what is going on. I’m usually so far inside my own head I forget to make a sound…oops. Sounds like I have a new project 🙂

  5. Anonymous

    Okay, all of the points apply probably really well if something is bothering him. And a woman should follow those points if she wants to be sensitive to her husbands feelings; but isn’t a more accurate answer to what a guy is thinking during sex: “WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! ….”

  6. Anonymous

    Good post, but it probably reflects what “normal” husbands think about. May I add that not all are in such a good shape. Some feel insecure about themselves sexually (should not be so, but the hard fact is, ladies, insecurity is not exclusive to the fair sex). Some husbands also, unfortunately, engage in unclean fantasies during sex (that is, they imagine themselves having sex with someone else, in frank disobedience to biblical teaching). Others have to struggle to keep an erection till the end, even with the help of medications… Sometimes taking things faster than would be ideal, in fear of losing an already poor erection and facing the humiliation. Sorry for this rather negative note, but I believe it’s important to share it. How could wives help in these situations? I believe that, just as the post showed, an enthusiastic wife certainly helps a lot, and if things don’t work out as they should, being understanding and loving is also in order.

  7. Anonymous

    I concentrate totally on my wife and try to do what pleases her. I try to anticipate her climax and then just enjoy her release.

  8. Anonymous

    Excellent post for the “normal” husband. For those of us who have husbands that despite every aggressive attitude, lingerie galore, clean house, hot dinner, and any new idea they can come up with…. you still get turned away with, “Sorry, I’m tired”. That’s when you really wonder what they’re thinking 🙂

  9. jim

    so very true. I think i can relate to all of them in this post…wish the wife would open up a little more and tell me how much she wants me

  10. Anonymous

    Funny, real, and ummm, needed to know that I need to change some things. LOL Thanks for sharing.

  11. senhaku

    Awesome. You are so right in what husbands are thinking. I had mentioned to my wife some of those things in a nice way. For example, asking if she’s enjoying it. But it’s really tough having to do, ask and anticipate all the time. On the other hand, she’s always in my mind when we were having sex. I don’t need to think or imagine… because she was just right there.

  12. Anonymous

    This is an amazing list! Thank you for speaking my mind (as a happily married husband who seems can’t get this message out without it falling on deaf ears). I think one thing missing from this list is men are visual sexually. Don’t be afraid to wear lingerie around your husband! Who cares that you don’t look exactly like a 20 year-old Victoria’s Secret model? We married you! Not them! The attraction we have to our wives is beyond the external and physical. We men like the visual stimulation. It’s foreplay without touching! It enhances it that much more. My wife struggles in this department despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise. The reality is, the more often/longer she wears it, the sexier she feels and more enhancing our love making becomes. Some of the most intense passionate love making experiences of my marriage she has dressed “up” (up being a relative term). Lingerie is a fun and wonderful thing ladies and it doesn’t equate to the debasing images of sex in the media. There is nothing perverted about it either. I am sure you’d rather have your husband see you in a satin bustier and thigh-highs than that 2 dimensional 20 year-old in the catalog right? He does too! It doesn’t matter you’re not a size 2. He loves you with all his heart! You are the mother of his children and was likely there when you gave birth to them! There is so much more to the depth of a sexual relationship, but don’t equate visually stimulating your husband with revealing attire as something that is bad. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

  13. Jeremy

    I love all the points you gave about what we think… as a husband who just celebrated 18 yrs with my wonderful wife I can tell you that it is very true that we do love it when they initiate some of the time. Even after 18 yrs I still sometime have trouble knowing when and if shes “in the mood” and if she wants too.

    Her and I have had many discussions over they years about what we like/don’t so much, when and where, how much is enough and not enough, etc. and for us that has made a huge difference in our sex life. One thing that I discovered early on that really made a big difference was making sure that she knew she could talk to me or tell me anything without judgement when it came to our sex life.

    I discovered that she actually had a hidden side that she was kind of afraid to let our because she had alway been taught that the wife had to be the submisive one. When she told me about this I encourage her to “be herself” with me and boy was that the best advice I could have ever given her. Together we’ve discovered that she realy liked some things that I would have never known or thought she want to do or try.

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