Yes, Kid, Your Mommy and Daddy Have Sex

After sharing this story with close friends, I’ve been told that I must blog about it! Okay, okay. Here’s the story (told in my fiction-writing voice):

***

Climax, here I come. My husband brings me to the peak of pleasure — not like Mount Everest, but more like Mount St. Helens. Heat rises through my body and I erupt in a series of delighted noises as we reach the pinnacle together. We collapse onto the sheets, panting heavily and happily. Dear God, what an amazing gift this is.

Descending back to hum-drum home life, we look at the clock and conclude that we need to clean up and go to sleep. It’s seriously late. We’d worked hard to get our kids in bed tonight. They were at least an hour past the normal bedtime and close to getting their precious necks wrung. Of course, now I picture them tucked under their hairy blankets with fluttering eyelids and cracked mouths, as innocent as cherubim.

I rise and use the bathroom, while my husband washes his hands.

Tap-tap-tap.  

My ear twitches at the sound. What was that?

Tap-tap-tap.

The tapping repeats. “Are you okay?” A small voice seeps through the bedroom door.

Oh. My. God. Really, God — did you know our kid was awake?

“Just a minute,” I answer, a new wave of heat rising in me, this one like a lightning bolt sizzling through my nervous system. I glance at my husband with eyes wider than volcano craters. “Oh my gosh,” I whisper.

He smiles and shrugs. Men. He could probably have sex with our kid knocking on our door the whole time.

“I heard something,” the small voice continues. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, we’re fine,” I say — thinking as I speak, sound normal, sound normal, sound normal . . .

I shimmy into my pajamas and open the door. The knob clicks as the door unlocks.

My jammied kid stands there, looking sleepy and concerned. “Maybe it was the cat, but it didn’t really sound like it.”

My stomach flutters. Thank God for pets. “Well, the cat is in here,” I say.

“Oh, I guess that’s what it was.”

“You need to head back to bed.” I pray that my tone is no more than a 2.0 on the Richter scale of anxiety. “Good night.”

My child’s perplexed expression melts into relief with my reassurance and embrace. I tuck my child into bed and scurry back to the bedroom.

My husband awaits — tucked under the covers, looking smug and satisfied. I know what he’s thinking: Who cares who heard? I made her bellow like a banshee.

I roll my eyes. Men.

***

There’s actually more to this story. The next day when this child described the event to an older sibling . . . well, let’s just say the older sibling was less willing to blame the cat.

I fully expect the kid who overheard the sexual interlude to one day realize what was really going on. If the child then asks for brain bleaching or therapy, my response will be, “Hey, we told you to go to bed. Maybe you should have listened.”

But all of that is okay because yes, kid, your mommy and daddy have sex.

Husband and wife with child in bed

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

In fact, it’s reassuring to children to know that their parents experience a loving, and even private, relationship that establishes the foundation of their family. They don’t want the details, but them knowing that you have sex is a good thing.

How do you show your children that you delight in God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage? Without revealing details that are nobody’s business?

Flirt in front of your kids. It’s no big surprise to older children that you are sexually intimate if they catch you smiling, winking, touching, and kissing in front of them. You need not have a make-out session in their presence for them to get the hint. They can see from small gestures that you desire one another, that you have chemistry and romance, that your deeper marital connection trumps the latest relationship drama at their school. As you demonstrate that romance doesn’t die when you say “I do,” you’re subtly communicating the healthy message that mommies and daddies have sex.

Carve out alone time. Let your children know that you need time to be alone as a couple. When they are very young, this may involve getting them to bed early or bartering babysitting with other couples or sending them to grandma’s once a week. As they get older, you can simply tell them, “Mom and Dad need some time alone.” Send them to their bedrooms or to watch a TV show or movie while you and your honey retire to the bedroom. Older children will probably figure out at some point what you’re actually doing in there, but they don’t want to hear about it. Most will happily get out of your way. Still, they are getting the message that dads and moms have a unique relationship apart from the kids they raise and that it’s good for husbands and wives to stay connected this way.

Don’t feel guilty. If they do hear you or — heaven forbid — walk in on you, don’t apologize. At least don’t apologize for engaging in sex with your spouse. If you forgot to lock the door, fine; be sorry for that. But treat your sex life with your spouse as a matter-of-fact reality. As in this is what moms and dads do. Sex within marriage is not something to feel guilty about. Your kids should know that this is a normal, God-designed aspect of marriage. You don’t want them to feel that sex is a guilty act . . . because it isn’t when engaged in according to God’s plan. Of course, it isn’t a public act, so do your best to keep it private between you and your spouse, but if your child does get the notion that something was going on, don’t feel like you have to explain or feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong. (In fact, if they overheard you, maybe you did it really, really right.)

Use euphemisms. As I’ve already stressed, that you have sex is fine for your kids to know; how you have sex is not what they should or want to know. If asked directly by your kids what was going on, a raised eyebrow might suffice. They don’t need details. They don’t want details. They will choke to death on embarrassment if they get details. Euphemisms are a lovely thing when dealing with this issue because your child can know that you were engaged in sex without it slapping him/her in the face. “We were having ‘alone time'” is a perfectly good answer. Or come up with your own euphemism.

It’s healthy for your children to know that sexual intimacy flourishes in marriage. When you and your spouse hint at a quality sex life in marriage, it protects them against societal messages that sex is for singles or that sex drives die after the wedding. Research shows otherwise, but they’ll believe what they see with their own eyes even more.

No, I don’t plan to explain the particulars to my child. Yet, I’m pretty sure my children know that their father and their mother have a physical desire for one another and that we enjoy sleeping together. How much sleeping and how much other activity goes on in our bed is a private affair.

But yes, kid, your mommy and daddy have sex.

49 thoughts on “Yes, Kid, Your Mommy and Daddy Have Sex

  1. Jennifer Schwickerath

    Ok–I was laughing! Your husband and mine are so much alike because my husband would have reacted the same way.
    BTW–my husband read your post Spock Speaks and enjoyed it. See–so much alike 🙂
    Thank you for sharing this. It is helpful and humorous at the same time Be blessed:)

  2. Anonymous

    LOL! What a perfectly timed post! Our 9-year old walked in on us for the first time this morning. Not a big deal though – our kids know their dad has a lot of “amore” (he’s Italian after all). If our son mentions it, I’ll just tell him dad was sharing some of his amore!

  3. happywife

    Great post J. Love your 4 points. Yes, we do need to be affectionate in front of our children and not try to hide the fact that we have sex.
    But things seem to get more tricky the older they get.
    I’m not sure I’m ready to announce to our 4 teenage boys that “mommy and daddy are going to go have alone time” They seem to be content with “gee, it’s late, we’re off to bed!” 🙂
    Our struggle too is the noise. We can’t blame it on the cat anymore. For one thing, we don’t have a cat, for another, they wouldn’t buy it for a minute. I don’t mind them “suspecting” that mom and dad really aren’t sleeping in there, but I’m not comfortable with them hearing me “bellowing like a banshee” We try to keep things on the quiet side when kids are home, and take full advantage of times when everyone happens to be gone.
    And in the meantime we are counting the days to empty-nest-hood 🙂

    1. J

      Whatever you can say to get your alone time that works! I’m just saying that if your kids figure out at some point what’s happening, don’t sweat it.

      And I do try to be quiet! But, in my defense, I’d put the kids to bed an hour earlier! And this particular one had just laid there not going to sleep. I had no idea… 😉

      Thanks, happywife!

    2. happywife

      Oh, I wasn’t trying to be critical of you. I was just observing that it does get much trickier as they get older. For one thing, you can’t put them to bed an hour before you plan to hit the love sack 😉 They are up half the night doing homework.
      And I realize it’s not about what you say to get alone time, but teenagers don’t want you being even as direct as “Mom and Dad need alone time” They would rather you sneak off unannounced 🙂 Atleast, that has been my observation.

    3. Anonymous

      Music is your salvation, here. Get a CD player and a set of great classical CDs. The music covers a lot of sound.

  4. Anonymous

    Oh good. I’m not the only one this has happened too! Although my kid interupted mid way to ask Mom, are you ok? 🙂

  5. Julie Sibert

    Great Post Mrs. Hot Holy Humorous! Made me laugh… you’re so good at that. And such spot-on observations as well… we benefit our youngsters greatly when we convey that intimacy and affection are worth nurturing in marriage!

    (But next time you might want to bring the screaming down a few decibels… you never know when your child will be so scared that they call the neighbors). Hehe.

    1. J

      Ha! And my bedroom is actually supposed to have additional sound-proofing (according to house plans). Thanks, Julie!

  6. forgivenwife.com

    It gets weirder as kids get older. Several months ago, two of my young adult kids were at work and another was at a friend’s house. I texted that one to ask when he would be home.

    Me: When will you be home?
    Him: Why?
    Me: Dad and I are trying to make plans.
    Him: What kind of plans (thinking the plans might involve pizza)?
    Me: Grown-up plans.
    Him: That is so gross.
    …pause…
    Him: So how much time do you need for that anyway?
    Me: I’ll text you when we’re done.

    1. userdand

      You should have texted back after an hour, we need another hour. Keep ’em guessing and off-guard.

    2. forgivenwife.com

      Actually, userdand, we texted back that we were done earlier than we expected, and he was completely floored by that. “You can come home now. We’re finished.”

  7. Anonymous

    My wife and I are childless at present due to health issues that have made pregnancy something to be
    avoided for her, although, that may be changing, God willing! At any rate, I could see something like this happening to us, and, yes, I WOULD be JUST LIKE the other, smug, husbands in the post & comments, LOL! The discussion, though, seems to be spot-on!

  8. Beau Carlisle

    The wife & I had an afternoon to ourselves while on vacation w/her parents & my children. They took the kids to the pool. so my wife & I hung a sign on the door, do not distrub. Well, my 2 younger kids couldn’t read & we were in a hot & heavy session. the door creaks open, in walks my 3 kids & mother-in-law & I’m in a rhythym. needless to say my wife was a little embarrassed but my mother in law was quite surprised & reversed the kids out of the bedroom. We continued on laughing about it a little bit & we both finished then jumped in the shower together. We have since notified our Timeshare people to put locks on all of the bedroom doors. Well, next time we came back, all the bedroom doors had locks. We have since explained. If a door is shut, you knock once, wait for a response, knock twice, announce yourself & knock a third time to enter & say i’m coming in. We can now Not lock our bedroom door & the kids won’t enter without following the 3 knock policy. We did this so they will respect our privacy but also the privacy of others & their siblings as they become teens & adults. Growing up my parents had sex daily, never locked their doors & this was where I learned the 3 knock policy. so remembering to lock the door has become optional lately.

  9. Norlynda

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Last week we put a video on for the kids and hurried upstairs. (It was “urgent”, if you know what I mean!) I am (and always have been) loud. Well, as soon as we were done, we heard our 5 year old outside the door calling for “Daddy!”. My husband put on his underwear and opened the door and there stood my very concerned son wanting to know why mommy was crying so loud! I quickly assured him that no, mommy was not crying, that mommy was actually very happy! (Had no idea I sound like I’m crying! Ha!)

  10. suzyhomeschooler

    My husband and I are the adult children of divorce so we never really got a good model of a healthy marriage from our biological parents. Fortunately for me, my father remarried a wonderful woman who basically raised me, and watching them together when I was a child really helped me to understand what I wanted from my marriage as an adult. They flirted, they bantered, they kissed. I was even witness to the occasional playful smack on the bottom. Seeing that as a child was comforting. I liked knowing that my father and my [step] Momma were happy together, and I aspired to someday have what they had. Now as an adult we don’t shy away from each other in front of our children. Granted my son and daughter are still young but I hope to continue to be as open and honest with them as my father and Momma were with me.

  11. mamarachael

    This is good. I sent Hubby the link and said he ought to read this one and be prepared to laugh. Our little guy just learned how to open doors, and I’m always worried he will walk in on us. We’ve never locked the door, as we never needed to… before now. Thanks for the good laugh!

  12. Luvmysuperman

    That is funny! As a child I was completely traumatized by hearing my parents have sex and it was probably just the fact that they did not deal with the situation at all. I seriously thought my mom was hurt and I remember crying at their door. I guess my dad was one of the men who would not care if their kid was at the door crying and screaming. I always had anxiety about it even when I was a teenager and ended up taking sleeping pills to avoid the sounds coming from the very thin walls between our rooms. I recovered though and love sex with the hubby! Thankfully we have discussed this and he understands how importnat it is to me that we do what we can to not traumatize our children in that way. We always sleep with music on anyway and all of our kids rooms are across the house, well all except the baby who sleeps right next to us. I really don’t think he will remember anything though 😉 We still show plenty of affection to one another in front of them and they know that we really do like each other.

  13. Anonymous

    Perfect timing – my daughters (12 & 14) and I were just talking about this type of stuff last night. We have “you need to be quieter, Mom” issues, too. Years ago, when our oldest was in 4th grade, she walked in on us, saying, “Calm down, Mom. It’s OK; Dad will take you to the hospital.” We still crack up over that!

  14. Anonymous

    I think to have them see you showing each other affection and know you are going on dates or having alone time actually make them feel safe and comforted that all is well. If the parents are well rooted then they are. It’s a natural need to know your parents love one another. Things have not always been “good” between my husband and I. After we got through some bumpy times, when my kids saw us showing affection I actually saw them smile and sigh with relief like ” Oh good, we’re gonna be ok”.

  15. Anonymous

    Our daughter was quite upset when she heard us. She asked me why daddy was beating me up and making me cry so hard. We talked age appropriately, and now our kids don’t care. They just ignore us.

  16. Anonymous

    My husband and I don’t have kids yet, so this hasn’t been an issue for us, but I still remember the affection shown between my parents when I was a kid (and still now), and I am very thankful for that! Dad would always compliment my mom’s body, they would kiss on a regular basis, and he would make flirtatious comments like “want me to come wash your back?” if mom said she was going to take a shower. My parents have had small problems on and off throughout their marriage, and to this day I hate how much they allow their children to see as far as their fights, or involve their adult children (me) in conversations regarding their conflict. But even through all that, the flirtation and affection shown has always caused me to feel reassured and confident in their love despite the problems they have. Thankfully, I’ve never heard or walked in on them having sex, I just know they love each other emotionally and physically because they demonstrated that to us through flirting, touching, kissing, complimenting 🙂

  17. Sarah Peloquin

    Our daughter has “caught us” twice already. The first time, she got an eyeful but her response still has me and my husband laughing hysterically (we also got locks for our doors that same day)

    The second time, apparently she just thought mommy was having trouble in the shower and daddy was helping mommy out. That worked out just well as an explanation for us.

    I love this blog. Thank you so much for taking the taboo out of sex and marriage! 🙂

  18. Sarah Peloquin

    My four year old daughter has already “caught us” twice. The first time, she got an eyeful of the situation, but her response still sends Jake and me into peals of laughter. “What is THAT?” 😛 We got locks on our doors the next day.

    Second time, she was supposed to be in bed and when we got back into our bedroom, she was laying on the ground at the foot of our bed. “Are you okay, mommy? It sounded like you were in trouble and I was worried. But daddy was helping you in the shower, so it’s all right.”

    Yep…that girl knows… 🙂

  19. Megan

    I don’t know how my parents did it…I’m one of ten kids and I NEVER remember hearing them. But I know they had a very healthy relationship haha. We don’t have kids yet but within a week of moving into our second floor apartment the neighbors below us were complaining to the complex management that they could hear everything we were doing…named just about every daily activity–walking? loud TV at 3 AM? (we don’t even own one and hadn’t been up past about 11 PM the whole time) “bedroom noises”? I felt very embarrassed and was terrified, how could we have any fun? My DH assured me he felt that there was no way they heard this because they seemed to complain about EVERY thing. After two conversations with the apartment management in which we assured them that no we did not have an air compressor, we didn’t have a TV on at 3 AM as we were soundly sleeping, we haven’t heard anymore from them so I had pretty much relaxed about the whole thing. But last night after being a little louder than usual DH went to the bathroom and grinned and said HE could hear the NEIGHBORS below us in their bathroom. Ugh. I am so glad we are moving to a house in August and I no longer have to worry about what the people below us can hear!

    1. J

      Oh my! My hubby would probably come out of the apartment and give the neighbors a smirk and a thumbs-up. LOL.

  20. Christy

    Aahhh yes….isn’t this a fun season of life? Our daughter said,”MOm, why were you guys jumping on the bed?” I was laughing so hard at this post. 😉

  21. Anonymous

    My 5 year old daughter made me feel so good about my marriage. We told her we need some “alone time”. When she walked out of our bedroom, she reached around the door knob and locked it!! After we and started I heard a loud noise. I put on clothes and went to check on her. She was fine and I said “I’m going back to daddy.” She said “don’t forget to lock the door!!” We must be doing something right! 🙂

  22. Anonymous

    This cracks me up! Mainly because my husband of three months and I are watching his 9 and almost 11 year old sisters. Last night I “challenged” him…just to see what he would do, and it was hard work NOT being loud! lol…it was a lot of fun though, and we had to be very creative! But hey, if we can manage now, then we can manag:)e when we have kids (hopefully!)!

  23. Knitted in the Womb

    When I still think my kids are too young to know about the “mechanics” of sex, if they ask what sex is (like when our pastor says in the middle of a sermon having nothing to do with sex, that married couples should be having it, causing an inquisitive 7 year old to lean over and say “hey Mom, what is ‘sex?'”–thank you SO much Pastor! LOL!), I say that it is a special hug between a husband and wife.

    So at our recent Memorial Day picnic a friend of my eldest daughter (almost 15 years old) announces to me that eldest daughter has a question about sex. Eldest daughter turns several shades of red since she can be shy, and didn’t feel comfortable with this “public” discussion. She refuses to ask the question, so in a smart alecky way, I say “well when a daddy and a mommy love each other, they have a special hug…” My daughter’s friend cracked up laughing so hard I think she stopped breathing. “special hug” ended up in one of her Facebook posts the next day. 😉

    1. Knitted in the Womb

      Oh…how funny, I forgot about posting this. Short memory! So this morning my pastor was preaching on “Sex as God Intended: The Wife’s Role.” Great sermon…but SO not about sex,more about good marriage with minor mentions of sex. And he thinks he is being SO cutting edge. Sigh. But he repeated the thing about married couples SHOULD be having sex, and then said “I’ve NEVER said this from the pulpit before.” Ummm…sorry pastor, but you definitely DID say that before.

  24. Knitted in the Womb

    You REALLY need to sell this to “The Skit Guys” to make into a video. Oh it is SO hysterical. I picture it opening as the wife having a cup of tea with her friend, telling her about what happened the other night…fade to the wife pulling on her bathrobe as she gets out of bed with a smile on her face, husband getting out of the other side with his robe…then wife narrates with occassional spoken roles from husband/wife/kid, and at the end fade back to the wife with her friend, saying “there’s actually more to this story…”

    I’m TOTALLY serious. I would SO love to see this show up as the lead in to a sermon at my church. Just also make sure they put a plug for your blog in the video!

  25. My name is J too

    One night at dinner our 11 year old daughter asked “what makes that bouncy bouncy noise I hear at night?” Her bedroom was directly below ours. We promptly remodeled the house. It didn’t help. She can still hear the bouncy bouncy noise despite the $100,000 changes to the house and the new bed. We found this out when she brought up the same topic at a friend’s house. We’ve never been “caught” otherwise by the kids but were once by his parents. Awkward!!

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