Missed Connections & Marital Intimacy

Have you heard of “Missed Connections”? It’s a fairly recent phenomenon in which someone posts a personal ad recounting a missed opportunity to romantically connect with another person they encountered. A typical ad might read something like this:

We work out at the same gym, and you usually wear a pink t-shirt with black shorts. On Monday, we traded long looks while both on the treadmills. I really want to get to know you. Please respond so we can get together sometime. Name the gym, so I know you’re the right person.

People report “missed connections” anywhere from coffee shops to gas stations to bars to intersections. And while I personally think this is a terrible way to try to find love, it got me to thinking how we often have our own missed connections in marriage.

pair of male and female hands with blue puzzle pieces

Lately, my husband and I have been struggling to find time together. His work schedule and mine haven’t coincided well, and there have been plenty of interruptions and challenges to our making love. Even lack of communication can be a problem, as when I had an early morning appointment one day and went from there to run errands — and later in the day, my hubby admitted that he’d thought I would come home in between so we could make love, “but I don’t think I was clear about that.” Nope.

Missed. Connection.

I suspect most of us have those seasons in our lives when we can’t seem to get on the same page long enough to connect emotionally, relationally, sexually. Unfortunately, some marriages seemed to be largely comprised of missed connections, with a lack of communication, disruptions, nervousness, or whatever standing in the way of sexual intimacy.

Maybe it’s time to place a personal ad, so to speak. Maybe you need to let your spouse know that you want to prioritize that intimate connection. Maybe you could tell him or write him or, hey, even show him that you’ve noticed it’s been a while and you want to remedy that.

To my own husband, I want to say:

We live in the same house, and you’re usually busy with work, taking care of the household, or fathering our children. And while I’ve enjoyed our conversations and small affections, I want to get to know you again — biblically, that is. Please show up in the bedroom in the next ten minutes, where you will find your loving wife eagerly waiting. I already know you’re the right person, so let’s remind ourselves of this one-flesh gift from God.

Have you been experiencing missed connections with your husband? Or wife? What has been getting in the way of you two being sexually intimate as you desire? How can you communicate to your spouse you want to reconnect?

10 thoughts on “Missed Connections & Marital Intimacy

  1. Sharon@wholeheartedmarriageonline.com

    I remember years ago hearing Dr. James Dobson say that the biggest barriers to ….. relationships! …. were fatigue and time pressure. That is particularly true in making a sexual connection.

    My husband is a pastor and has 2-3+ evening meetings a week. I go to a Beth Moore Bible study. We are in our 60s. Sometimes the time is there but the energy is not. Sometimes the energy is there but the time is not. I had to get over my misconception that making love had to be spontaneous and learn to put it on the schedule to be sure it happened.

    Thanks for the creative post.

    1. J Post author

      I think Beth might let you get a little behind on your homework to prioritize intimacy with your husband. 😉 (Hey, I’ve done those intensive studies! They’re great, but sometimes time-consuming. LOL.)

      Thanks for chiming in. Great points!

  2. A

    Hey J, firstly thank you so much for your blog. I guess we may not be still newlyweds (married 2 yrs) but I have been quietly benefitting from your words all that time… As has my man

    1. A

      Hey, I don’t know where the rest of my comment went… Opps!
      Anyway what I was trying to say was thank you for your biblical and practical encouragements.
      In relation to this post, my hubby has been working away heaps lately so our time together is very small. Funnily enough, this has led to less missed connections as we both know we only have certain times available, so it’s a given. In saying that, they still happen… We have both discovered that it actually blesses our spouse when we share our needs verbally.

  3. Amy

    Yep, missed connections…this is definitely the season my hubby and I are in right now.
    His work hours have increased leaving him extra exhausted during the week and hunting season has arrived so he’s gone early both Saturday and Sunday morning and too tired on Saturday night. Add in Aunt Flo arriving for an unexpected visit last week and having my 19 year old son still living with us meaning we rarely have the house to ourselves.
    Combine all of that with me being the higher drive spouse and hubby already content with once a week of sexual intimacy and you have one very frustrated wife.
    I really, really miss our sexual connections and as much as I would love to schedule the time together or give him a message like the one you shared it just doesn’t work when hubby is too exhausted and not seemingly interested when there is time, energy or an empty house.

    I’ve shared time and again how I would love more frequent lovemaking but I don’t want to keep going on about it so that he starts to feel guilty when there is nothing he can do about his work hours and/or his feeling so exhausted. So I try to remember how hard he works and that he loves me a great deal…and maybe one of these days I’ll get the courage to write a missed connection note to him and it will result in a real connection. 😉

  4. E

    When we were newlyweds we had a fun Sunday Afternoon Tradition, which pretty much disappeared with the arrival of 2 babies, 14 hour workdays, and addiction that led to an ultimatum… but we’ve been in marriage counseling for several months now, our hearts are connected, and just recently Sunday Afternoons became a thing again! Hooray!

  5. S

    Great post, J!

    I hate the feeling of missing each other. 🙁
    I think it’s key to communicate OFTEN (verbalize that you ARE missing each other, say it out loud, or write it in a note or send a text). And kick up the affection (hugs and kisses and touch when you DO see each other.) And: to truly be intentional. (To remember that this relationship IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, next to God, and treat it as such. (Which often means saying no to other things/people in order to make it a priority.

    Also- it really helps me to PLAN for time together ( just even writing “date night” on the calendar means it will happen) or even to make a plan for sex. (I don’t personally like scheduling sex, but I don’t mind making a “system”, like: we’re going to do this- no matter how late it is or how tired or busy we are- EVERY other day, or- we’re waking up early at least once a week to make it happen, whatever….)

  6. K

    J, I found your blog just a few hours ago and I have to say this the best on the subject that is out there. As a married man, it can be difficult to read many posts written by women ( ”it’s the man’s fault… yada yada”) but your words are seasoned with salt and received well by either sex.

    As for this particular subject in this blog, this is something I am struggling with right now: missed connections. I have the most amazing wife (for 8 years) and after 3 kids (ages 4, 2, and 7 mo) we have zero time for each other. We have failed to priortize our marriage and have fallen further and further apart. It seems at the moment that we are more roomates than soulmates. I want to blame post partum hormones and such but I know I am to blame. Your blog along with several other factors has got me to see the need for a change. Tomorrow starts a new chapter in our life together. We are going to have the night by ourselves (1st time in over a year) and a long conversation. Our communication, kindness, sex life (over 7 month dry spell!) and other things need work.

    We will certainly be using your blog for some guidance. Thanks again.

  7. M.

    Missed connections here = two college students. What’s crazy is that we were more connected when I first found your blog this summer… Hubby was back in Michigan where we moved from this March (for a summer internship), and I was at home in Virginia. Long-distance dates are one way to reconnect. Since he’s been home, we struggle to have time/energy with classes, ETC. We’ve just started our month-long Christmas break on Dec 12, so I’m back to your blog and our New Year’s resolution is to reconnect. We’re doing well, but date nights/intimacy are lacking. It’s time to remedy that! 🙂

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