My Husband Is the Best Lover I’ve Ever Had

I wish saying “my husband is the best lover I’ve ever had” was like when my kids say “you’re the best mom I’ve ever had.” Of course, kid, because I’m the only mom you’ve ever had.

While it’s God intention for sex to wait until the marriage bed and be shared only with your spouse, plenty of us blew it in that department. We didn’t get to the wedding with lily-white innocence. Some of us simply stumbled with all our baggage across the marital threshold. Thankfully, I stumbled into the arms of Jesus and His wondrous grace.

And yes, there is forgiveness and fresh starts and a beautiful future.

But I was forgiven, not bonked on the head. I still remember my past. There were others before. Others who didn’t give me a ring and a vow and their heart.

Sometimes, I wonder about the wives out there who make comparisons. Maybe it’s a comparison between their past lovers and their present husband. Maybe it’s a comparison between what they see on TV or read in books and what they experience in their marriage. Maybe it’s a comparison between the one and only lover they’ve ever had and the unknown lovers they might have had. Maybe you wonder if the grass isn’t greener over there . . . where you’re not.

Like I said, I remember. I have the data to make actual comparisons. And my conclusion is crystal clear: My husband is the best lover I’ve ever had.

Waaaaaay better.

Couple celebrating in bedroom

Now before you think I somehow managed to marry a magic man (and isn’t that totally unfair?), I haven’t always felt this way. Because what makes my husband my best lover isn’t a set of skills he brought into our marriage bed. He isn’t God’s gift to all women, just God’s gift to me.

Which is why I come here twice a week and talk about how awesome sex can be for a husband and wife. Because I genuinely believe your husband can be your best lover ever, whether you have anything to compare him to or not.

So what makes my husband such an amazing lover to me?

Commitment. I believe wives enjoy sex so much more when their relationship feels secure. While I understand some marriages do not feel secure, most husbands who commit in marriage really mean their vows. They’re in it for the long haul. And knowing my husband is here today and tomorrow and the next day and beyond encourages me to be vulnerable and connected, even in the marital bedroom.

History. Being married for many years, you establish a history. You’ve gone through stuff together, weathered the storms, stuck it out. Because of our shared history, I know my hubby very well and he knows me. So when we make love, we bring all of those moments into our physical intimacy. I’m not just making love to a guy who thinks I’m pretty and wants to bed me; this is the man who took care of me when I was sick, comforted me when my best friend died, loves and teaches my kids, and wrote me a love poem (even if though it was a real struggle for my logical man). We have so many moments and memories entangled together, our history deepens the meaning of our sexual intimacy.

Experience. A little knowhow goes a long way, right? But don’t fall into the trap of thinking you need an experienced lover. What you need is a lover experienced in pleasuring you. And one of the marvelous things about marriage is having loads of time over the course of years to get to know one another’s bodies and learn how to bring one another pleasure and ecstasy. Of course, you have to use that time, not neglect it. But my husband and I have now made love thousands of times. Consequently, he knows how to push my happy buttons, and I know how to push his. Plus, we’ve had opportunities to try new positions, activities, locations, and more. With all that experience, we’re practically experts in having sex with each other.

Playfulness. So here’s a peek into my marriage and my morning: my husband and I showering together and trading bad pun jokes. Yep, we enjoy a little yuk-yuk with our yum-yum. (Translation: a little humor with our sex.) Somehow in all these years, we seem to have moved past a bunch of the awkward self-consciousness, and into a place of saying and doing all kinds of things that are just fun. I’m not saying I never have self-doubt in the bedroom. I most certainly do. But we’re able to laugh with each other and even at ourselves (fall off the bed, anyone?). My husband is playful with me, and I with him. I’ve smiled and laughed with my husband more in the bedroom than I could possibly recall, and we plan to keep smiling.

Spirituality. It might seem like an opposite thing to say our marital bedroom is playful, yet deeply spiritual. But it isn’t. I believe every sexual union I have with my husband is blessed by the Heavenly Father himself. Our sexual intimacy mirrors the relationship Christ longs to have with us and reminds me of His fervent love for me. Making love in marriage is agreeing with God’s beautiful plan for us to become one flesh. My bond to my husband is like no other, and it deepens our sexual experience. Inviting God into your bedroom by asking Him to bless your union, by praying for your marital intimacy, even imagining His approving nod reinforces your understanding that this isn’t merely a physical act — but an intimate expression of covenant love.

For all those reasons (and maybe a few more that involve how hunky I think my hubby is), my husband is the best lover I’ve ever had. Without a doubt. And we intend to just keep getting better.

I think your husband is, or can become, the best lover you’ve ever had. So tell me: What makes your husband the best lover ever . . . for you?

39 thoughts on “My Husband Is the Best Lover I’ve Ever Had

  1. Abra

    My husband is the best because he continues to embrace (literally and figuratively) my body as it has changed dramatically throughout the years. From the time where I hated how I looked and was severely underweight, throughout four pregnancies and four post partum deflated looks. He reminds me that I am beautiful now as I struggle with menopausal weight gain and allows me to see the smile on his face and the comfort he finds in my warm, round body.

  2. Amy

    My hubby is the best lover for me because he loves me unconditionally, finds me beautiful even when I don’t and is my very best friend!

  3. El Fury

    The key to great sex is more sex. It’s no surprise that married couples always self-report as having more and better sex than single people. Although, practice doesn’t always make perfect… practice makes *permanent*. If a married couple never communicates or works at their sex life it won’t just get better automatically.

  4. B

    This is sweet. I wish my husband could say I was the best lover he ever had. He says it, but I know it’s not true. We both came with a past, and I remember him telling me once about a certain position he enjoyed, that he had done several times with his ex girlfriend. He never tried it with me, I just figured at 150 pounds I was way too fat and he was afraid he’d break a hip or something. We weren’t Christians until after we were married for a while, and our conversations are much different now. But back in the beginning we talked about these things.

    Well fast forward through almost 20 years of marriage, and I start reading these blogs, and decide we need to spice things up. So a couple weeks ago, I ask him which position is his favorite. He proceeds to tell me about this certain position (that he thinks he enjoyed with me) but the trouble is, we’ve never done it! He’s never even tried it with me! He’s remembering his old girlfriend. Of course he claims he didn’t remember this, but he’s not stupid. I remembered – and unfortunately for him I remembered he did it with her. Never me. So basically he just told me his best sex ever was with another woman. Great. That helps my self esteem. And there’s no way I’m going to try a position that makes him reminisce about his best sex ever with another woman. So he’s frustrated, I’m frustrated, and I wish I’d never asked the question.
    He keeps telling me how much he loves me, and how he wants us to grow, and how attractive he finds me (which has never been true, esp. Since I’m blonde and he loves brunettes and his ex was brunette) and he says he will get upset if I dye my hair brown. So it’s like he doesn’t want me to be attractive.
    I sometimes don’t know why he even married me. He says it’s because he loves me, but how can you love someone who you are not attracted to, and who in 20 years still hasn’t become your best lover? How many more years should we try? It’s incredibly frustrating.
    On top of that, we have sex once, maybe twice a week. So there’s more proof. If all other husbands are always wanting more sex and constantly pursuing their wives, and mine doesn’t pursue me ever, that’s just more proof that he’s just not that into me. And he wonders why I get so sad.

    1. J Post author

      Your emotional wounds come across so well in what you write here. My heart aches for you.

      I’m going to say a few tough things, though, in hopes of helping. First, your husband shouldn’t have shared details about past lovers. I think that’s a trap a lot of us fall into, thinking it’s part of being completely honest. But how does one get that out of their mind about their spouse? So I can see why this is a problem, and I believe he made a mistake in that regard. Second, why are you finding a million reasons to disbelieve what your husband tells you about your appearance? I know a lot of people who thought they had a type, until they met their beloved and suddenly discovered that was incredibly appealing to them. It sounds like he’s trying very hard to express his attraction to you and reassure you regarding your looks, but you’re shooting him down. I know this is hard to believe (almost every women I know struggles with body image), but most husbands really do think their wives are beautiful. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see what would happen if you chose to believe what he says. Third, try the position already. Yes, it sucks that he gets all confused about you and her and all that. (And yes, this is one reason I believe God knows better than we do that we should wait until marriage.) But my husband for years swore I was wearing a white dress when he met me. I didn’t even own a white dress! He thought we first kissed in his apartment (nope, mine). He thought we got married on the 27th (nope, 26th). I could go on. I don’t think this has anything to do with his love for me. It’s not personal, because he’s this way about everything. Forget what your husband remembers or doesn’t remember and focus on making new memories now. In fact, if you’ll invest in exploring and creating a large database of sexual encounters with him, all that other stuff will fall by the wayside for him. You’ll absolutely be his best lover ever. Finally, “if all other husbands are always wanting more sex and constantly pursuing their wives, and mine doesn’t pursue me ever, that’s just more proof that he’s just not that into me.” That’s a misconception of men I hear a lot, but 15-25% of marriages involve wives with the higher sex drive. And one spouse’s lower sex drive usually isn’t about attraction and love, but more often hormonal issues, stress, fatigue, history, etc. Your husband should get a check-up, to make sure everything’s okay (and get his testosterone levels checked, just in case). Then talk together and positively about how to increase your sexual frequency.

      All in all, you sound so sad. And I understand why. But this is not insurmountable. I want you to have hope and a can-do attitude and begin improving your marital intimacy. Many, many blessings! I am praying for you.

      1. B

        Thank you, J, for your thoughtful reply. Have you ever asked someone a question, but then wished you hadn’t? We’ve had some issues that we were really getting through when I asked the “favorite position” question I will always regret.
        My husband is driving me crazy. He keeps complimenting me and telling me how much he loves me when we all know the compliments are just made up to try and make me feel better. I wish he’d stop it and just be honest.
        I told him it bothered me that he never even bothered to say what his second favorite position was. I told him I figured he was afraid it would be another position he hadn’t done with me and I’d realize the highest I could ever rank on his scale was third. Still, no answers.
        What hope is there? How can he call me, his blonde wife of almost 20 years, beautiful, when we know he prefers brunettes? By the way, I googled which do men prefer and brunettes won by a landslide. And if he’s such a brunette fan, why won’t he let me dye my hair brown? I’ve told him I’m just going to do it to surprise him one day and he says he’d get mad. He claims he loves me the way I am, but I think he doesn’t think I deserve to look as pretty as a brunette.
        I have always wanted more sex than my husband, and now I am learning why. Because although I thought our intimate life was special, I recently learned it’s not even second best. No wonder he’s only interested once a week. I used to think it was because of the brunette preference thing, or the fact that my butt is too small, but now I know why he denied all that.
        So many years, and I never had a clue I wasn’t his best lover. Why did he marry me? Why he is trying so hard to convince me he loves me, which isn’t true because as much as he talks he never says the right things. He never says the things that would make me believe him. Because he’s grasping at straws and trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. It’s not working. If he could simply tell me the things that would express honest, true love, then I might believe him. But his saying “I love you so much” “you’re so pretty” (which he does NOT really believe” “you’re my favorite” and “I love touching you” are not words of love. That’s just fluffy talk. Especially once you find out his favorite sex ever was with his ex. After 20 years you’d think I might have become his favorite lover, but obviously not. Game over. I can’t compete. I’m almost 40 years old.
        Thank you for taking the time to reply.
        Oh my I wish I’d never asked him that question. Or that he would have at least attempted his favorite position with me at least once in all our married life. I guess he never felt I was worth it.

        1. J Post author

          It doesn’t sound like your husband could say anything that you would believe…unless it went along with the self-doubt you have. How would that help? Maybe what your husband wants isn’t so much a blonde, a brunette, a sexual position, or whatever, but a wife who sees herself as beautiful and feels confident in their relationship. I simply cannot say it enough — confidence is sexy.

          And if you don’t believe your husband, believe your God, who thinks you are marvelous and beautiful and worth His very own Son. I pray that you’ll turn this around. It honestly sounds to me like it’s time for you to see a counselor and deal with this face-to-face with someone who can help. If it’s been 20 years of this, surely you want to do what you can to improve this circumstance rather than keep living this way. Don’t give up on the marriage or your husband or yourself; turn to God, get help, and find support to help you through this difficult time.

          I really wish I could plead with you over a cup of coffee for this — just us talking as girlfriends who want to be loved in our marriage. And I believe you can be. Still praying…

          1. B

            Thank you, J. I have always struggled with confidence. It’s a big issue, I guess, too deep to get into here. Some people deserve to be confident, I want my kids to be confident, but confidence for me just seems so wrong.

            I do think the confidence is sexy mantra is overused and often backwards. People reason that confidence is sexy, but that’s because sexy people are confident. If you are neither sexy nor confident, you cannot make yourself more attractive by feigning confidence.

            You’ve given me a lot to think about. My husband has been calling me from work throughout the day and being so upbeat and saying such “nice” things. What is he trying to do to me??? Its like he just doesn’t get it.

        2. IntimacySeeker

          Dear B,
          I want to reiterate what J has told you and encourage you to seek counseling. I too faced some deep confidence issues, and while I’m still working on some things, and may always be, my life and my relationship with my husband are much improved. I still question things and try to work though them, but you seem to be ruminating on so many negative thoughts. I am deeply concerned for you.

          One of the exercises in my therapy that was very helpful was a process titled “30 days of self appreciation.” I revisit that from time to time–all good reminders. You are so much more than a position or a hair color. Your relationship with your husband is more than these too. You are God’s child with a heart, soul, mind, spirit, calling, purpose. Stand tall and hold your head high.

          By the way, what is YOUR favorite position? How about next time you get your hair done, you have it cut and colored the way YOU like it? How about something you have always wanted to try or do, but haven’t had the time or opportunity to pursue? Make that a priority and commit to seeing it through.

          Instead of shaping your life around your husband’s view of you, or your perception of his view, channel your energy into being the best person you can be and do it for YOUR sake.

    2. El Fury

      J is completely right! In addition, you may consider taking some action to kick things up a notch sexually.

      If I can be somewhat blunt… consider that your husband may be frustrated that you won’t believe him when he tells you repeatedly and directly that he loves you and finds you beautiful. This is a form of negation mixed with self-pity. As you pray, ask God that he would help you see yourself the way that God sees you: a unique creation of great value.

    3. alchemist

      I’d like to re-iterate what everyone has said: Please go get counseling.

      The fact that you think you don’t deserve happiness or confidence shows that you have some really dysfunctional thought patterns. It’s not helping you, your marriage or your kids.
      You say you want your kids to have self-confidence. How in the world do you expect them to learn that if all they see from you is self-depreciation and self-doubt? You can’t give what you don’t have.

      Please go get counseling. A good Christian counselor can help you identify all these lies you believe about yourself and your marriage and help you to start replacing them with Gods’ truth. (which will also help your self/ body-image, your marriage and your kids)

      1. B

        To Intimacy and Alchemist,

        Thank you for your replies. I always thought counseling was a huge sign of weakness. I finally came around to entertaining the thought, but I am really leery of ending up with some oddball counselor. I thought about going to my Pastor, but (long story) he has been through some things and is currently depressed and in no shape to counsel anyone. We recently started attending a different, much larger church, but I don’t think they offer counseling. The church is huge and I see no mention of counseling on their website.

        I looked for an online counselor, but the one that appeared legitimate was so politically slanted in her writings, it scared me off. I don’t need a crazy person to counsel me!

        I’d have no idea how to find a legitimate, normal, Christian counselor. So while the idea is nice, I don’t think there’s anyone out there, in my area, that I could talk to.

        Thank you for your kind words.

        1. J Post author

          I must write a post about finding a good counselor. Because in my past, I’ve had both good and bad. And yes, you can find a good one. Let me come up with some tips and get that going.

    4. Henri

      Could I just comment, once you get past all the hurt of his thinking the best sex position/sex was with you when it wasn’t, realize that he THINKS it was YOU – not her, he is THINKING of YOU, not her. I went through the same situation, this year in fact. And I was all kinds of hurt. Even arguments over it, because he swears it was me – I’m like uh nope I would remember that move. When I met with my counselor, because I seriously struggle with insecurity, she said “in his mind, it was YOU in that position, not someone else, YOU. And that does count for something.” He isn’t remembering her at all. He is remembering you, even if it wasn’t.
      As for blonde vs. brunette. I am tall, thin, very small chested. His previous girlfriends, were average and curvy. If you were blonde when he married you, then he likes blonde. I was this way when he married me, he likes this. Period. I would suggest reading The Sexually Confident Wife. Not a whole lot of scripture backing, but worth reading.

  5. Shawna

    My husband is the best lover for me because he never fails to focus on me and my needs during sex which only makes me want to please(ure) him more!

  6. Jason@SongSix3

    Great post! Thank you! All I did was swap in “Wife” for “Husband”, and it certainly works for me!

    Yes unfortunately, we too have a past – some of it very ugly – but we have created awesome new memories, and my wife is definitely “the best lover I’ve ever had!”

  7. Pingback: Best Christian Sex Links of the Day | Married Christian Sex

  8. B

    May I ask a serious question? I think it’s great that so many of these commenters are so positive. They can’t all be perfect. So how do you feel you deserve the happiness, or as Jason says, the “awesome new memories”? I think you all do deserve to be happy, but I would like to know why I don’t feel like I deserve happiness as well. And the crazy thing is, my husband seems to want me to be happy, but…. I’m just no good at receiving it. See,, I feel even stuck up or like I’m having a huge ego by even saying I wish I felt I deserved happiness. Weren’t you compared to everyone else your whole life? Am I the only one who grew up being told no matter what you do or how good you do it, someone will always be better than you? It gets to the point when you feel like, why even try? Why try to make awesome new memories, if he’ll always have memories of someone better? I feel like I’m in a “funk” that is just crazy hard to snap out of.

    1. K

      B,

      I want to offer a husband’s perspective for you, because I have made a similar mistake. I would agree with the funk statement. As a married man of over 20 years my heart aches for you. I married a beautiful gift in a virgin, but I was not.

      But your lack of self confidence, belief that you do not deserve happiness, and your admitted lack of receiving it are so very hard to hear, from this husband and probably others reading. From my vantage point if your own husband sees this in your daily life, I would be shocked if he were not behaving exactly as you describe he is. If he knows he made a mistake, he desperately wants you to know that’s what it was. I have done the same thing, they are memories, and that he associates his great sex memories as sex with you and not “her” says you have nothing to worry about, his thoughts are all about you in that department.

      I can relate, because while I never made that mistake at first, after many years of marriage I no longer remember past lovers, but only my wife, so while most of those old memories are gone and replaced by much, much better ones (Praise God!), a couple of times I got “confused” too. My wife will just say “that wasn’t me” and I will say something like “Ouch, I’m sorry dear, but I don’t remember anyone else but you that it could be.” (which is actually true), I apologize for getting confused and she just lets it go. Maybe that’s happened 3 times in 20 years. Here is my point B, I associate all of my greatest sexual memories with my wife and not with any other woman. Your husband probably does too, so choose to believe him. At first, I could remember quite a lot about what I had done and with whom, and hated it and myself, but after much prayer and as incredible new memories were made the old ones just faded away.

      The ability to truly forgive and forget quickly is one thing that makes us more like God. I tend to hold onto negative things which is neither healthy or conducive to a happy marriage. So I choose to let them go and trust God.

      And trust that, as a loving husband, your husband will constantly seek to encourage you and build you up. For myself, I want my wife happy, content, balanced, and confident, because I cherish her heart, mind, and body as the great gift from God that they are.

      My wife has always had body image problems, post babies we would have lights out only lovemaking, but she truly looks more beautiful to me all the time. I have always told her that she looks beautiful, when she had real body image problems (post baby weight, whatever) she would always say “in your eyes I do”, one day i said “Aren’t those the only eyes that matter?” Now she accepts the compliment because she believes it and me, whatever lights I want are fine with her. For a while i felt like i didn’t count, but if another woman told her she looked great that stuck for a long time. But she feels great about her body now, she accepts the imperfections that I love and she looks more amazing to me than she ever has, and to herself.

      You are a gift to your husband, please remember that, he wants you to know it, believe it, and live it. Your husband married you, so you are exactly his type and you are beautiful to him, just as you are. My prayer for you is you will stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.

      I regretted so much what I brought into my marriage. My wife deserved better than my past, and we both deserved my never having anyone but her, but that wasn’t what I brought to our marriage. But what we experience now together is far better than anything I could have ever imagined. No she was not the experienced lover on our wedding night, but I didn’t know her body either, so we started with a clean slate, only better because it was God’s plan. I never made comparisons, I accepted who and what she was, and she was comfortable enough to trust me completely and I her, that trust was the one thing I never had before, which made for some pretty remarkable experiences sexually. God is great!!

      B your husband is writing these things to you it comes from a pure heart. Possibly regret, and maybe shame, that he ever mentioned someone that was not you. From experience I can tell you he is probably hurting that he hurt you.

      J,
      Thanks. Ditto your list.
      My wife is the best lover I ever had because she was a true gift from God, she is an incredible blessing to me, always has been my best friend, she made me want to be a better man, and she knows me like I cannot imagine anyone could. We have a bond that unites in us a shared intimacy that is so incredible i don’t have words to describe it.

      1. B

        K, thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. Your wife sounds like a lovely, strong woman. How sweet that you have been so blessed and you appreciate her.

        My husband may be hurting that he hurt me, but he has a weird way of showing it. He gets so frustrated, which only conveys to me that he feels I am not worth having my own feelings.

        You’ve given me a lot to think about.

        1. K

          B
          I attend a huge church and none of the staff does counseling (my wife just told me this), but they have a list of Christian counselors and the church will pay for a certain number of visits to a counselor on the list. B if your church doesn’t offer counseling they may do something like this.

          My wife is a strong woman now, and I think she believes me when I tell her that. But in many ways she is still very fragile, and I have to remember she is the weaker sex, and she may always have some body issues. She definitely got her mother’s body image problems (if you have daughters please don’t let them see that in you)….when I met her she was 100 pounds and on Weight Watchers a size 00. Weight is something she will not talk about and she refuses to ever own a scale. But she is in great shape and she really does look phenomenal, better at 120 or 130, or whatever she is now. My wife has lovely curves now, and she is not perfect, but for me she is because i don’t really see the flaws. She didn’t like her body pregnant or after birthing our children, but I always did. Most men I know want their wives to look good for them, so whether my wife does it for herself or for me it doesn’t matter, she still looks good. And i tell her that every day.

          I didn’t like skinny girls B, or blondes either but that is who God gave me. And God made her just perfect for me. As for your husband’s wandering eyes, it took me a long time to figure out that was all me. I control where my eyes go, if they look away or if they linger a little too long. But what I also discovered is having a great relationship in the bedroom, it is so much easier to not want to look at anyone but my wife ever. I am the higher drive spouse but sometimes you would not know it.

          1. K

            I forgot your husband’s frustration B. I get frustrated all the time, because my wife is complicated and I am not. I just want to understand her more, which i do all the time, but she can still do some things i just do not get. Which frustrates me, I’ll tell her that, then she gets upset. After 10 or 15 minutes of talking we figure out there is not anything worth getting worked up about. If I get angry or frustrated it’s usually because I feel helpless in the situation. I have to wait for my wife to want to talk or wait until I understand what is bothering me, usually I make it out to be bigger than it is.

          2. B

            K, thank you for your replies. You have a way of explaining things that is helpful. Sometimes my husband doesn’t communicate well, or it could be me not hearing what he is actually trying to say. Your explanations are helpful. Thank you.

  9. ron

    You have no way to control what he does or doesn’t think about. There is no way to hit the Delete button on his memories. They are what they are. However, this sounds a lot like a conversation i had with my bride many years ago. She was not my first, I’m sorry to say. But I was hers. We were naughty boys and girls before we married, and during differing periods in subsequent years we weren’t faithful, either. But with grace and forgiveness, we got through that and just celebrated our 28th anniversary. Anywho, due in part to my indiscretion and in part to her own low self-esteem, she could not accept it when i told her she was beautiful. In her mind, she’d think, ‘if I was so beautiful, then why did he….’ It took many years of consistently reinforcing and encouraging her, along with some couples Bible studies with a few couples we trusted until she started to accept compliments without dismissing them.

    She just called me as I was typing this, so I asked her what she would say to a woman in that position….she said to say that God only makes first class Grade A beautiful people, and that includes you. And that you are a gift to your husband, so if he really likes his gift, not only is he complementing you, he is actually complementing God on His handiwork..

    Believe your husband when he tells you that you are beautiful. You are his holy standard of beauty. Blessings on you both!

    1. B

      Ron, thanks to you and your wife for your kind reply.

      I wish I could accept it when he tells me he thinks I’m beautiful, but I just can’t. I wish I could, because part of me thinks he wants me to believe him.

      Many times I have felt like you said your wife thought, “if I am so beautiful, then why did he stare at that waitress?” What is even sadder is that we were really starting to heal and I think I was becoming beautiful to him, and starting to believe him, until I asked that stupid question about his favorite position. Knowing what I know now, I know I will never be his favorite. It’s just so sad.

      I’m sorry for burdening you all with my personal pain, but I just felt like getting it out. There’s really no one else to talk to. We are Christians but have never been invited to a Bible study. That would be great if we could one day find one. Thank you.

      1. Amy

        B,
        My heart aches for you and the struggle you are in.
        As a woman who lived in an abusive marriage for 20 years and never once heard my ex call me beautiful and actually had him tell me I was ugly, I can say with certainty that your husband DOES want you to believe him when he says you are beautiful!
        I have been remarried for almost three years to a most loving wonderful man (second marriage for both us) and he tells me often that I am beautiful. The first time he said it I actually cringed because I just didn’t or couldn’t believe it was true, but I made myself from that moment on to always, always, always believe him and to accept his compliments.
        Do you ever pick out a present for your husband and feel so excited that you got just the right gift that he will really enjoy? What if when you gave it to him he just handed it back without opening it and said he didn’t deserve it or want it? You would feel so deflated and saddened that he didn’t even want to accept it.
        I think that is how our husbands feel when we just shrug off a compliment by not accepting it…they WANT us to accept it and believe them and it must feel very hurtful to them when we don’t.

        As far as your husband’s blunder about sharing his favorite position I think you need to realize it was just that…a blunder on his part but not meant to hurt you intentionally. Forget about that position and find a new favorite position for the two of you. Perhaps the reason he does not want the two of you to use that position is because he knows how much it hurt you when he mentioned it and he doesn’t want to bring the past into your relationship, kwim? So honestly, I think you need to drop it and start focusing on just the two of you because you are the one he wants to be with.
        Early on in our marriage, my husband said something unintentionally which really stung me…I was having a hard time climaxing when we were first together because I’d never climaxed at all in my first marriage and my ex couldn’t have cared less. So I would become frustrated early in my current marriage when it didn’t happen and one time I felt I’d had a small climax to which my husband said something along the lines of having been with other women and knowing what it felt like when they climaxed. Let’s just say that stayed with me for a while and I felt like I was being compared to other women he had been with, but I finally decided to make a conscious effort to let it go and concentrate just on him and I realizing that he wanted me and me only.

        Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. He made a mistake and probably kicks himself daily for having blurted that out. Start basking in his compliments and throw yourself into your lovemaking with abandon believing with all your heart you are the only he wants to be with. It will take lots of prayer and a real conscious effort on your part, but start small by thanking him sincerely for complimenting you and pretty soon you may find that you enjoy the compliments and actually start believing it!

        Blessings to you as you work this difficult time. I pray for healing in marriage.

        1. B

          Hi Amy, thank you. I have a hard time letting things go. You have given me a lot to think about, as have most of the commenters here. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, and for your prayers.

  10. S

    I really appreciate what you just wrote (and especially your wife’s input), Ron – thank you for that!
    B – I have been so blessed by reading this blog in so many ways, and I hope you will be, too. I have been here now for about a year, and I think my self -confidence re: body issues for me has greatly improved! My husband would say some great things about me or my body, but I never believed him. I totally just brushed it off. I had no reason to disbelieve him – he has always been truthful to me – yet I didn’t (and still don’t) see the same things he did when I looked in the mirror. J has been great to hammer these things in over and over, and I figured Everyone couldn’t be lying! ;). After talking to me husband about it, he has reassured me even more.
    Satan is against everything God is for. Truth, the gospel, marriage, families, sex in marriage only, good sex – so if you’re hearing something or feeling something that is contrary to God’s Word – I would take a serious look at it. Take it before the Lord, letting Him know your fears and doubts. He cares and loves you more than you could ever know! God is Father to those who trust the Lord Jesus to be their Saviour, but He is not like our earthly parents, because they sin, and He can’t. I pray there will be healing in your heart and your marriage.

  11. Paulien

    Hi, just since a week i’ve discoverd your blogs and I love it!

    I love this part because it is true… Ive been in dark places and have a little girl with somebody else. Somebody who is trying to get us down.
    Now Im pregnant so he thinks Im at my weakest.

    But even though, we are so strong, my husband is the best lover Ive ever had and Ive never been so happy. Even being pregnant with him is so much more fun Ive ever could have think off.

    Thank u fir sharing and for making it so regconizable

  12. Pingback: Does Your Spouse Think about Previous Lovers? | Hot, Holy & Humorous

  13. Jennifer

    B,
    I know I’m coming here a couple days late but I just read ask these comments and my heart breaks for you, I know exactly how you feel. I am one of the wives J speaks about that has a higher drive than her husband. It’s hard, really hard sometimes. The rejection stings like nothing else, it makes you feel like something must be wrong with you, no matter what your husband says it feels like he has to be lying because if he did really think those things then he would pursue you more. I get it. Through our journey I’ve learned though that’s usually not the case, like J said it really is usually hormones, stress, ect. I read this one blog post from a higher drive wife that really made it click for me. She said her husband explained to her that sex to him was like tomatoes on a sandwich, here’s what she wrote He really, really enjoys them on his sandwich. But not enough to do the work of getting them out of the fridge and slicing them to put on his sandwich. If they are sitting there sliced he will always get them. Or if I am making a sandwich and ask him if he wants tomatoes, he will always say yes. But if there are no tomatoes on his sandwich, he is okay. He can still enjoy it.”http://spiceandlove.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/bread-or-tomatoes/ . That made all the sense in the world to me. See my husband like yours compliments me all the time, I now believe he sees me that way even if I don’t agree with him. Although that was not always the case, I used to use the same reasoning you do as to why I thought he was lying, but after many conversations and lots of observing I now know that he’s being honest with how he sees me. I believe your husband is being honest when he says he thinks your beautiful, give him the benefit of taking him at his word. His frustration comes from him wishing and longing for you to see yourself through his eyes.
    As for the position thing, he may like that position and want to try that with you but that does not mean that was “the best sex he ever had”. My husband has a favorite position too BUT when I ask what the best time to him was it was not a time that we used that position. So he may really enjoy that position and you may have not done that together yet but that doesn’t make you second best. I also think you should try the position. Not to recreate anything he did with someone else but to create a new experience together. My husband had previous experiences as well, I did not and I can almost guarantee there are positions and other things that he did with both of us but that’s not going to stop me from doing them. I don’t think about him with someone else ever but especially not in bed, that time is just us and God.
    That brings me to another realization we’ve had my husband’s past plays a part in his view of sex. He feels tremendous guilt and has said he thinks he has just put a bad view of it in his mind and now has to change that. Society likes to tell us that men are simple creatures and there’s no depth to them, and one thing this journey had taught me is that society could not be more wrong.
    As a higher drive wife confidence is really really hard. Once you have been rejected so many times it’s hard to go to the massage bed (or anywhere) with confidence. I still struggle with this a lot, knowing that he really does find me attractive helps but it’s not a cure there’s still that fear of rejection. But confidence is sexy and the chances of rejection decrease when I am able to approach it confidently.
    I also agree with the other commenters, fix your hair how you want, dress the way that makes you feel beautiful, be you, the real you because you are beautiful and deserve to feel beautiful and happy.
    Ultimately your value comes from God, who says you are beautiful and are worthy of happiness and all the blessings and joy found in him. He loves you so much he sent his son to live the perfect life and die so that he could have a relationship with you, so you could spend eternity with him.
    Know that here you have an army praying for you and your marriage.

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