Q&A with J: How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On?

I often talk about telling or showing your husband what you enjoy in bed, so that he can arouse and satisfy you. But sometimes, that doesn’t work. Today’s question gets at that issue.

How do I get my husband to be more attentive to my sexual wishes? I have placed his hands where I want him to touch me but he just pushes my hands away. I have told him to kiss my breasts but it worked only one time. I would like my husband to French kiss me, kiss my neck, and touch other areas of my body during sex. How do I tell him, so that he understands, that it’s a turn-on?

Q&A with J How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On + light switch

My initial reaction was: C’mon, dude. What’s up with you? Give your woman a great time in bed! But then I snapped out of that and remembered the person who has to convince him is his wife. But if you had that same reaction, just know that I did too. 😉

So what can the wife do? She’s tried subtly moving his hands and verbally requesting what would feel good, but not only does he not listen, “he just pushes my hands away.”

Talk outside the bedroom.

In the midst of sexual initiation or activity, neither of you is likely thinking as clearly and calmly as you would at an alternate location and time. Remove some of the pressure and bring up the subject when you can have a real conversation.

Here’s the post I suggest reading for specifics on how to have that conversation: How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse. Quickly though, I’ll give these tips:

  • Choose a neutral location. That could be your dining table or on a walk in your neighborhood; whatever works.
  • Make sure it’s an opportune time to talk. So not at the end of a long, hard day or when he’s trying to watch the game.
  • Be willing to talk shoulder-to-shoulder. Generally speaking, women prefer face-to-face communication, but men prefer speaking about difficult topics without eye contact.
  • Ask questions. Avoid the temptation to spill everything about how you feel and instead ask about what’s going on with him. Like what was he thinking when he moved your hands? Or when you request something in particular?
  • Explain what you’d like your sexual intimacy to look like. Avoid rehashing the issues of the past and take a future focus. Talk about what you’d like for your sexual intimacy to become (e.g., mutually satisfying).

Explain how your body works.

Most men start out believing that our sexual response is like theirs (and that’s what experts erroneously said for too long). Women tend to need more time to get aroused. They also get aroused being touched all over, not just the sexual parts. I’ve shared this before, but since men are perhaps less likely to read a blog post like this, maybe he’d watch a funny video.

Return the favor.

If you want him to listen to what turns you on, be willing to ask what turns him on. Set the example. Demonstrate with your approach, your questions, and your conversation that you believe sexual intimacy should arouse and satisfy you both.

Listen carefully for suggestions you could implement. (If he suggests you’re not sure about, see what I have to say about that here.) If he tells you something you’re not doing but could do, follow through.

You could even come back later and check with him on how he liked it. That positively reinforces listening to one another, and he might see through experience that it’s a good idea to share longings with one another and then meet your spouse’s desires too.

Reinforce positive changes.

Speaking of reinforcement, if he does something you wanted, let him know how great that was! Even if his execution wasn’t perfect, reward steps in the direction with gratitude and encouragement. For heaven’s sake, tell him he’s your personal superhero if that gets the point across! I’m not saying to lie, just recognize progress.

You like being affirmed when you do something good, right? Do the same for him.

Take action in the moment.

What if it all fails? What if he refuses to cooperate with the conversation or dismisses your desires? What if he keeps doing his thing and even pushing you away when you suggest something different?

Hey, I’ve been writing about sex in marriage long enough to know some spouses just don’t respond to reasonable efforts to nurture mutual satisfaction. Expend every avenue before you go here — like initiate the conversation in different ways and different times — but at some point, you can’t keep rewarding behavior that is selfish and, frankly, rude.

That’s when you need to take action in the moment. He pushes your hand away? Stop what you’re doing, get his attention, and speak up: “I really want to make love to you, but I need you to respond to what I’m telling you about making this good for me too.” Even move his hand back where you want it, more than once, until he gets the message. If you stop in the middle of what’s really turning him on to let him know you need to be aroused too, he’ll be frustrated…but he’ll also learn he can’t keep going without considering his wife’s pleasure.

I’m not advocating being rude about it, but rather firm. Make it clear your pleasure matters too.

Let’s hope he gets the message well before that. Most husbands I hear from really do want to arouse and satisfy their wives. They might just get wrapped up in the moment with what feels good to them or don’t really understand how women’s pleasure works. I’m praying you can teach him. Because the best lovers are the ones who respond to their spouse’s deepest longings and pursue their pleasure.

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19 thoughts on “Q&A with J: How Do I Get My Husband to Do What Turns Me On?

  1. Proverbs 5:18-19

    I can’t imagine having to be told more than once that my wife would like her breasts kissed on a regular basis.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Hear that, guys? Another man is saying, “Do it! If she wants it, do it!” They’re breasts, guys…they’re there for you to enjoy too. “A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” (Proverbs 5:19).

      See? Your thoughts are downright biblical. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Eric Smoyer

    My wife does not have to tell me to kiss her breasts. I automatically do it just to hear and see the pleasure it brings her.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      That’s wonderful! Although I have to admit as I approve these comments that I’m a little worried about some women whose husbands are not doing this feeling extra-cheated because it’s not an issue in other marriages. And I hope those wives read that there’s nothing wrong with them and their husbands may just not know how to deal with what they want.

      Thanks for reading, Eric!

      Reply
  3. Mike

    I’m with the proverbs guy^^^. My wife’s breasts are my favorite part! Then giving oral below. It actually REALLY turns me on when my wife asks me to do certain things. Praying this guy will find the joy in pleasing his wife. When she is extremely satisfied, she usually always makes me extremely satisfied!

    Reply
  4. alchemist

    Who are these women who supposedly prefer face to face communication? Cause I haven’t actually met one that I can think of. Having heavy conversations face to face is just super awkward all around. Driving, in the car, at night, where he can’t even see you cause he’s driving is way more comfortable.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Then try something else. Sometimes I even think you need to stop talking about it and focus on other issues for a while, specifically investing in your friendship and connection.

      Reply
  5. James Witer

    The only time my wife likes her breast kissed and sucked is the time leading up to the orgasm and during. I make sure they get well taken care of though.

    Reply
  6. Kevin W.

    For J’s ask questions section, I recommend asking if the way you make suggestions ever makes him feel inadequate or disrespected. It could even relate to things in his past like his mother belittling him or kids in school making fun of him. If he says yes, apologize and reassure him that it’s not your intention. Sincerely praise him for things you appreciate and that he does well. Then ask if he can think of ways you can communicate what you need for your pleasure without making him feel that way.

    One other thing to consider is if he has heard negative views of sex in his life, perhaps even from the church, that have conditioned him to think of some of your requests as bad or dirty. If so, perhaps reading some Christian resources together, like J’s blog or books would help. See more at http://hotholyhumorous.com/tag/best-christian-sex-books/

    Reply
  7. Alicia

    Thanks for your comment, Kevin. I admit, I was starting to get a little nasty toward the husband in this post, if only in my head. Thoughts like, “How selfish are you, mister?” Thanks for making me think about the other side of it, for making me remember that we as women do have this really bad habit of thinking we’re just suggesting, and actually coming off as belittling. And goodness knows I’m familiar with the church teaching negative views about sex to women. I need to remember that it likely happens just as much to men in the church too, though we don’t hear nearly as much about that side of it. Maybe we should. So, thanks for bringing me back around to grace and empathy for both spouses in this post.

    Reply
  8. Rich

    Good post Julie, I’d like to add, ladies, that you need to make sure that your actions and words match up. In this case, that means that what you’re asking for actually arouses you. If you say you want t light touch on your clitoris, but that doesn’t seem to do anything, he’s not going to keep doing it. He’s going to do what he sees working, regardless of what you said.

    Reply
  9. Rick Hanson

    I’m with ya J…”C’mon, dude. What’s up with you?” Many of us husbands would die to have our wives clearly and verbally tell us what turns them on….sadly, many have inhibitions and are reluctant to talk about sex in or out of the bedroom….. sigh….

    Reply
  10. Inquiring

    My first wife had surgery in her mid 20s that required removal of her ovaries. I could tell quickly that if sex was going to continue between us, I needed to concentrate more on what she liked. I’m not claiming to be great, but we continued to have a good sex life, including some pretty hot stuff, for another 20 years. I was rewarded for my efforts! Plus I found I enjoyed all the things we did in foreplay so much more. Often we’d be at it 2-3 hours.

    Reply
  11. Lee

    “Most men start out believing that our sexual response is like theirs (and that’s what experts erroneously said for too long). Women tend to need more time to get aroused. They also get aroused being touched all over, not just the sexual parts.”
    I take issue with this comment. Everything I read is always talking about how every woman is different, it takes a long time for to get them going, her brain is the biggest sex organ she has, etc… all of which I have found to be true. My issue is that guys are the same way, or at least I am. Yeah, you can get me going by doing the minimal work and giving me minimal, walk through the motions pleasure or you can spend some time not laying on your back and actually participating. Suggestion, maybe demonstrate on your husband what you like, and he may realize what you are talking about. ( no guarantees though)
    On a more positive note, i would like to say I agree with almost everything that I’ve read on this blog. The message of working on yourself instead of changing other people, communication with your partner, and taking responsibility for your own sins (yoga pants blog) I feel is accurate.
    As for this topic, I approach my relationship with my wife, with the mindset that it doesn’t matter what it is, if it makes her happy, then I will do it 50 more times than what she ask. The key is trying to figure out what makes your partner feel loved. Is it gifts, cleaning, sexual acts, space? You have to figure that out. Once you do, keep doing what makes the other person feel loved and they will want to reciprocate. often you will have to teach them how you feel loved because they will do the things that make themselves feel loved and be confused when you don’t respond in a positive manner. Ok I’m going to stop now. I’m rambling and can’t stop explaining.
    I will end with this, build your relationship with God and make that your focus. Everything else in life will work out. Sorry if I came across aggressive at the start. Just a soap box of mine.

    Reply
  12. e2

    Augh! Now I know how B feels. It’s a killer to read about a wife who wants to be french kissed, her neck kissed and wants breast play when my wife has little interest in those touches. I’ve come to the conclusion that reading marriage blogs is not healthy for me. It only increases my dissatisfaction and makes mr fantasize about what could be. Not good. God loves me just as I am. I need to do the same with my wife.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I’ve actually said that if a marriage blog seems to be making you more unhappy than giving you ideas on how to fix things (even my blog), you may need to take a break.

      Reply

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