Daily Archives: September 26, 2017

Are Stress & Fatigue Killing Your Sex Life?

I considered titling this post Sex? What sex? to describe what’s been happening in my world lately. Yes, we have had sex this month, but not like we usually do. It’s been a dry spell, so to speak.

And while I’d love to say that I’m eager and excited about getting some “rain,” I’ve really been a bit ho-hum about it lately. Not because I don’t enjoy sex with my husband — I certainly do! — but because this past month has been filled with stress and fatigue.

Here’s a short breakdown:

  • Hurricane Harvey brought 50 inches of rain and halted our usual routines
  • Spent days helping friends whose homes were damaged by the hurricane
  • House guests arrived days later
  • Week-long writers cruise (and hubby didn’t come this time)
  • Three more nights with house guests the following week
  • Weekend conference I chaired for my local writing chapter
  • Hubby’s job demanded quite a bit of overtime

That doesn’t include any parenting duties, household responsibilities, church duties, etc. But you can see that it’s been particularly hard for us to find time together to talk, much less have sex.

blog post title + couple crashed in bed

When we did get together, we were exhausted — both of us. We wanted to make love, but it felt like another mountain to climb. It was hard to take that first step, or leap, to get going.

All this to say, I get it.

If this is where you are in your marriage, I get it.

I’ve been there too.

Stress and fatigue can be libido killers. Sometimes people argue with that statement, likely because they don’t personally experience a lowering of their sex drive in those times, but I believe stress and fatigue are responsible for a lot of marriages going through dry spells.

Stress and fatigue are responsible for a lot of marriages going through dry spells. Click To Tweet

It’s not that we don’t love each other and want to make love; it’s just finding that oomph to take the first step is difficult when you feel drained by life itself.

The paradox, of course, is that sex gives you more energy, increases the quality of the sleep you get, and relieves stress. But if you can’t get your gumption in gear, how do you reap those benefits?

I’m struggling along this path with you right now. My husband and I had even planned a date on Sunday evening — thought our calendars were cleared and we could devote attention to quality time, flirtation and anticipation, and lovemaking. And then it was announced at church that we had an event that evening we couldn’t miss. I looked over at Spock and literally teared up. My blubbering later was like, “I know I’m just tired and stressed and probably hormonal, but I just really wanted to spend time with you tonight. Yet I know we need to go to that event.”

We postponed our date.

We attended the event.

We didn’t make love.

When we got home, again we were so exhausted, mentally and physically, that we fell asleep. In each other’s arms, thankfully, but still asleep.

You have your own stories. Times when you wanted to or should have been together, nurturing your romance, your connection, your sexual intimacy. But life interfered, tapped your energy, left you exhausted.

Those moments happen.

But ask yourself this question: Is this the exception or the norm in our marriage?

Spock and I are going through a dry spell, but it’s a spell. It will cease. Soon.

In contrast, I remember when my sex life sucked, and it wasn’t a short spell but rather a long drought with no end in sight. I was exhausted all the time, and we had no strategy for how to deal with it. All that stress and fatigue was killing our sex life.

If that’s where you are, you’ve got to change some things in your life so that you can prioritize what matters — your marriage and intimacy with your husband. Not just sex, but sex is one important factor connecting you and your mate. It has to be a priority.

I’m looking with great hope at October, a mostly free month, where we can get back into our groove. I’m also evaluating what I’m doing to see if there’s anything I can cross off my list or delegate to others. Hubs and I have cleared another date night in the very near future.

What’s your plan? What are you doing to get past the haze of stress and fatigue and invest in your marriage bed? What do you need to change?