A while ago, I talked about having over 300 emails in my inbox. Through various efforts, I’m now down to 69 messages. (And yes, I do see the humor in that.)
Slowly but surely, I’m trying to get to the remaining questions either directly or through posts. And today’s question is from (gasp!) May 2017. But it’s such a good one, I wanted to cover it today. Here’s what the reader asks:
I have a question about “engaging your mind.” I’ve read from various Christian intimacy bloggers that many women need to engage their minds in order to be aroused. I feel like this is true for me, but I’m uncertain how to do it in the holiest way. I often feel guilty if I visualize anything because it usually involves other people (not specific people just general other people), or other situations, think anything that doesn’t necessarily involve being happily married. I know it’s a flesh desire, and I have learned, whether I meant to or not, that the arousal from that thinking is very fleeting and doesn’t help me feel close to my husband. So I don’t allow it, but then I feel like I can’t let loose. So what does it mean to engage your mind without turning to something sinful?
I periodically talk about all the myths that romance novels perpetuate, and I’m no fan whatsoever of erotica, but there are some things the romance genre gets right. And here’s one: Not once have I ever read a love scene where the woman was mentally going through her to-do list, fantasizing about some random guy she saw in a movie or a magazine, or thinking yeah, that feels okay, but I’d rather be watching Netflix.
Oh no — if you’re going to write a romantic, passionate, or even sexy scene, your main character is going to be into it. Seriously into it. Sure, she might think about how she wishes she hadn’t worn the granny panties tonight, but most of her thoughts are about what she’s seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting, and touching. She’s sinking deeply into her senses, as well as her emotions about the man with whom she’s making love.
Much as I hate to grab any wisdom from the pages of a bodice-ripper, I think they’re onto something here.
But wait a minute… God was way ahead of the romance section of your bookstore! Thousands of years ago, He made sure we have examples of what it means to engage in your mind in lovemaking with your spouse. Together let’s visit a book I’ve mentioned quite a bit on my blog (and in my books): Song of Songs, a poetic exchange between husband and wife, lover to lover.
God was way ahead of the romance section of your bookstore! Click To TweetIt begins like this:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the young women love you!
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.
What’s her mind doing here? She’s thinking about the sensations and taste of her husband’s kiss and his oh-so-appealing scent. Also, how much she loves him, and even how his stellar reputation is alluring. She imagines getting whisked away by this particular man to make mad, passionate love!
Whew. Wipe off your brow, y’all — that was sexy.
Now as much as I’d like to go through the remaining 7¾ chapters, breaking down all the amazing takeaways, that would be an insanely long blog post. Instead, I encourage you to go read it for yourself. And notice where and how these lovers engage their minds.
Focus on your five senses.
Instead of fantasizing about someone or something that’s not in the bed with you, how about paying attention to the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches of lovemaking. There’s a bounty of all that going on, and you can train yourself to tune in to it.
While making love, ask yourself what your senses are experiencing, and revel in those sensations. This practice is really what people now call “mindfulness,” where you increase your awareness of what’s right around you and learn to attend to it more fully.
Here’s an example from the husband in Song of Songs attending to the senses:
“Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon” (4:1).
Open your eyes.
It’s harder to think about someone or something else when you’re looking your spouse in the eye. Or really, anywhere on their body. Oftentimes, we find it uncomfortable to keep our eyes open, because there’s vulnerability in that — especially given that our facial expressions during sex can be rather curious, shall we say.
But looking into one another’s eyes, taking in the sight of our beloved, and even watching intently where and how your bodies connect can also be beautifully intimate. And it can help your focus remain right there, on the wonderful husband with whom you are making love.
Here’s one example of how the Song of Songs wife gazed at her husband:
His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold set with topaz.
His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli.
His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars (5:12-16).
Use your voice.
It’s also hard not to concentrate on what’s happening right here and right now if you have to describe it. So speak up and talk about what you’re seeing, what you’re sensing, what you desire. Express the depth of your feelings for your husband through everything from “I love you” to “You rock my world, baby!”
All of that can keep your mind preoccupied on coming up with relevant thoughts and translating that into words. Besides, verbal expression can also increase the arousal factor in your marriage bed.
Consider this was something the husband in Song of Songs requested:
“My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely” (2:14).
Keep on trying.
One reason we fail when we try to engage our minds is we give up too soon. Distractions invade, and we push away the first one or two, but then others come and it feels hopeless. How can we ever stop getting sidetracked? And especially if those rabbit trails lead to greater arousal?
But retraining your mind isn’t a one-day workout program. You’re in a marathon, girlfriend. When that first stray thought comes in the middle of lovemaking, push it aside. Then push aside the next one, and the next, and the next…and so on. Replace each with the kind of engagement discussed in previous points — for instance, shifting your thoughts from that one general guy to gazing into your husband’s eyes. Do this again and again, and you’ll build a new habit. And your pleasure will be even better because it will be all you and all him engaging intimately in the marriage bed.
Remember this verse from Song of Songs:
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away (8:6-7).
Your marital love is unyielding. Lean into that — mind, heart, body, and soul.
Great thoughts, J.
With sex and even physical closeness off the agenda (terminal cancer leaves me hurting way too much to even be touched; occasional hugs are very gentle A-frames) there is still room for mental engagement, and that’s in praying for my wife.
I honestly can’t recall how sex felt, but I can see another human being who loves the dying person I am, hates the cold mercenary soldier I was, and in that dichotomy is still living out her marriage vows…particularly, now, the ‘in sickness’ part.
So I pray for the healing of her heart as current circumstance shreds its very fibre. It may be better than sex.
So sorry — so very sorry.
One of the things I do to focus my mind is to turn on music. Music helps me focus on the lovemaking. It kind of helps my brain from wandering and focus on the touch and taste and every aspect of what I’m feeling. It requires intense work for me to shut my hyperactive brain down to focus soley on my husband but when I turn on relaxing music without words, it helps me concentrate on what we are doing and focus on the only on my beloved.
Now I *really* want you to read Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage, J. 😉 I struggled with disassociation and fantasy during sex for a long time, and I was not able to kick the habit until I saw in a different way. The author points out that what we are doing in these instances is actually trying to hide from each other. We are self sabotaging our attempts at intimacy because intimacy is vulnerable and scary. He agrees with you that one of the best ways to stop bypassing your partner during sex is to make eye contact, but he disagrees with the idea of focusing on your five senses for two reasons: first, because it makes sex merely physical, and second, because it also makes it self-centered and not connection-centered; you are focused only on your own sensations and experiences, which also blocks the connection between you and your spouse, so you’ve traded one road block for another. He observes that there is a difference between merely touching your spouse and truly *feeling* and knowing your spouse, which flows out of staying connected during sex. Only when I was able to make that shift into connection in all ways, to truly feeling and seeing my husband (not just touching and looking at), to stop hiding and allow myself to also be truly seen in return, then I was able to break free from the fantasy. Does that make sense?
Interesting stuff, but that’s a mis-characterization of experiencing the five senses. I’m not just feeling touch, I’m feeling my husband’s hand creating that feeling. I’m not just touching him, but aware that I’m touching the husband I love. I look at his body, breathe in his scent, etc. Just as the Song of Songs couple talk about lips as honeycomb, etc. It’s not just anyone’s lips, but your beloved’s.
From a husband’s perspective, at least my perspective, this is one of the most important things you’ve addressed. Having my wife actually present means the world to me. It means I matter — especially during the time when I really, really need to know I matter (it’s a hard-wired male thing). It’s half the battle during foreplay: “Yes, dear, we can discuss that later… let’s concentrate on this right now.”
Interesting to hear this from a man’s perspective. No wonder hubby gets so offended when I look distracted..I now understand why it’s so important for him.
This world of sitcoms & porn has definitely taught us one thing. Impatience. It is a plague. We are taught, growing up, the popular worldly standards. Even the most devout Christian falls prey. Sex is rarely a slow experience in pop culture. It is hardly ever a learned conscious effort. And, it is never Godly. Thank you, J for shining light on the slow intentional subtlety of fine marriage sex.
Lock the door & give your selves some time. Heck, get a babysitter & give yourselves a night. Splurge on an anniversary & give yourselves a private room with your own pool. Take the time to enjoy. Eph 5:4 says, “Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.“ It is amazing how thanksgiving can change an attitude. Things like body image, hygiene, & any other hurdles can be overcome with thanksgiving conditioning the mind. Patience, grasshopper…
mepharisee,
You are right. The trouble stems very deep especially to those that had parents that weren’t emotionally connected. They didn’t even hear of such a phrase and so they never had the capacity to mentor their own kids.
Many times “true” love is taken out of the equation.
So that left society to mentor kids (mainly boys) into an unhealthy locker room/porn like mentality how to please a woman or themselves. Schools didn’t emphasize connection either, they just emphasized birth control.
I even got into an on-line debate with a preacher who emphasized that if a couple is living together they better see him and get married, When in fact I emphasized if they don’t love each other, they shouldn’t get married, but in fact break up before the woman gets pregnant.
A while back on Sheila Wray Gregoires blog she recommended an app called “ultimate intimacy” and since using it, my mind is much more focused because it suggests foreplay with your own names instead of reading someone else which helps me picture us doing things as a couple instead of picturing something or someone else. It has questions you can ask each other and other things as well and is a clean Christian app which I have really appreciated. It may be helpful for women who have used romance novels or shows to get their mindset there in the past.
You mean the very app that I recommended here: 5 (More) Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Husband? 😀
Thanks!
Yes!! So good!! I wish I would have known about this earlier.
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Hi, this article addresses the very thing that is my biggest struggle. For me it is all about focusing my mind. My fantasies are about myself and my husband, but I struggle with one thing – in order for me to feel aroused I need to imagine situations where we are not married. We got married as virgins and I am very happy that we did. I know that I would never actually ‘live out’ such a fantasy in real life, but the moment i imagine us in a ‘married’ scenario the sex feels like a ‘must’ instead of a ‘want to’. The fantasies I have is not lustful, it is something like we go for a picnic in the woods and one thing leads to another… If I imagine that exact same scenario as a married couple it doesn’t excite me. It feels like an obligation, like such a romantic picnic SHOULD lead to sex and then it feels like a chore… The moment I feel like I SHOULD be doing something, I don’t WANT TO do it… It doesn’t feel like my choice anymore.
What is your view on this? Is it wrong for me as a Christian to have such a fantasy within the safety of marriage? It does draw me closer to my husband and it makes me want to have sex a lot more often. This one thing would solve all our sex issues, but I’m not sure if God is okay with it, and therefore I don’t feel free to let myself go.
The thought of just having sex for the millionth time in our married life just doesn’t do anything for me 🙁 It makes me see it as a chore which I rather want to avoid…
You need to get to the bottom of WHY: Why would sex outside of marriage appeal to you more? Yes, I think this is a bad idea, because you’re essentially fantasizing fornication. However, that’s helpful without you figuring out why this notion attracts you; that is, what messages are deep inside you that need to addressed and resolved?