I asked my husband for his permission to tell the following story from our marriage bed:
Neither of us is a big talker during lovemaking. Even so, I’ve been known to lose control of my tongue and blurt out something that may or may not be all that coherent. Anyway, several months ago, we were in the middle of a particularly passionate sexual encounter. As I approached climax, my brain shot a single focused thought to my mouth and it burst out of my mouth: “I love your penis!”
Oh yes, I did.
After we finished that part of our intimacy, my husband and I laughed heartily about what I’d said. I turned pink about my comment, feeling so embarrassed for saying such a thing. But although Spock was amused (if you’re new, Spock is what I call my husband), he was also rather complimented. I’d shown genuine, unfiltered appreciation for his manhood.
Now I haven’t always been at the point in my marriage that I’d say such a thing while in the throes of passion. Perhaps you can’t imagine saying, or even thinking, something like that.
But it’s important to appreciate your husband’s penis — to be its biggest fan.It's important to appreciate your husband's penis — to be its biggest fan. Click To Tweet
Before you run away and decide your time would be better spent searching Pinterest for yet another amazing cupcake recipe you’ll never actually make, give me a few more minutes to make my case. Because I was also hesitant to adore the soldier at first.
I didn’t go all Fan Girl and blurt out that above statement in year one of our marriage, or even year ten. It took a while for me to fully embrace the astounding creation that is The Penis. Why have I become a fan?
I’m well aware of the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” But what a lot of hogwash! For anyone who’s ever had a favorite something — favorite blanket, favorite pair of jeans, favorite coffee cup — you know that hanging out with something you like doesn’t diminish how you feel about it. In fact, it makes your experience better.
My favorite pair of jeans doesn’t become my favorite pair of jeans until I’ve worn them several times over, the material has softened up a bit, and they’ve stretched out just right fit to my body. Likewise, hanging out more often with your husband’s penis means that you get used to its shape and size, its movements and responses, its function and beauty.
Take time to look at and touch his penis. Explore the area with your eyes and hands, becoming familiar with this body part that is “yours, mine, and ours.”
As I learned more about how male anatomy and the penis work, my appreciation for God’s creation deepened. Male anatomy is designed in a rather remarkable way, so that the penis can become erect yet sufficiently flexible, the systems work together to produce sperm and semen, and the muscles and nerves produce both pleasure and ejaculation.
Learning more about how God created his body can have a positive and even awe-inducing effect. It can also help a wife know where and how to touch him, further increasing her appreciation as his man-part happily responds. This is when the classroom physiology becomes in-the-field experience. As anyone who’s taken biology knows, reading the textbook isn’t nearly as fun as experimenting in the lab.
But of course, it helps to have some head knowledge before you go encounter the, well, head up-close. To that end, this TED Talk was illuminating for me on how amazing God’s creation really is.
You can also learn more about penis size here: Penis Size – From a Wife’s Point of View.
You know why I like chocolate? Chocolate has been good to me. It’s provided many wonderful moments of pleasure, when my taste buds awakened and savored that rich delight. Likewise, a husband’s penis receives greater admiration when it provides his wife rich pleasure.
Becoming more assertive in saying and showing what you need can help you find greater pleasure in his penis. Use his penis to stroke your body where you like to be touched. Use ample lubrication, adding personal lubricant if you don’t have enough, so that his penis slicks against your skin. Ask for sexual positions that make penetration feel even better to you. Give a shot at finding more sensitive spots with his penis. Add direct clitoral stimulation to intercourse, so that the spasms of a clitoral orgasm still happen around his penis.
When you’ve experienced a lot of pleasure that involves Mr. Happy, you’ll be happy he’s there too. If he’s helped you “win” a lot, you’ll become a big fan.
And a message for the hubbies…
If your wife isn’t immediately your man-part’s biggest fan, please don’t take it personally. I know it’s very personal to you, but I’ve met many women through the years who didn’t know much of anything about male anatomy, excepting what they learned in biology class and pop culture references. And some women have encountered awful men who used the existence of that body part as an excuse for sexual harassment or even assault.
More often, we gals just aren’t all that familiar with the equipment in a way that makes us feel confident. And that takes some time and intentionality.
Help her feel free to explore at a slower pace than you might like, and show her where you like to be touched and how. Explain to her what it means to you for her to appreciate your penis, because it’s something a lot of women don’t fully understand.
And make sure you use your penis to provide her pleasure, not just you. Once you’re married, it really is a case of yours, mine, and ours. (And yes, I would say that to your wife about her body too.) Prioritize her pleasure so that she can appreciate all of you, the way you appreciate all of her.
Honestly, we should each be one another’s biggest body fans. But today, I’ve been focused on the ladies. So let’s do this, gals — let’s show our husbands that we are indeed his man-part’s biggest fan.
Be sure to listen to our recent Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on male anatomy!
81 thoughts on “Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?”
I’m glad your perceptions have changed. If I had read your original article about how you viewed your husband’s penis it would definitely have shocked me. I think most men are more insecure about our penis than anything else in our life, and just the thought of my wife being the least bit disappointed in it would probably have devestated me.
Making me feel that she admires or has awe for my penis is something that makes me feel loved like nothing else. In fact, I’d go so far as to say there is nothing else my wife could ever do to lift me up and make me feel like I’m on top of world.
Wives, if you don’t like your husband’s penis, just imagine the absolute most insecure and vulnerable part of yourself. Now imagine that your husband is disappointed by or at best tolerates that part of you. Imagine how you would feel. That is why making your husband feel that his penis is amazing to you is important. He might never tell you what I’m telling you now, but I’d bet my life that he feels this way.
Funnily enough, I DO know exactly what it’s like for my hubby to voice his disappointment with various parts of me that I feel vulnerable and insecure about. And I know exactly how hard it is to then be vulnerable and believe his passion for my body when in the throes of love making, when during an angry outburst at another time he gas said some really hurtful things about me.
Words hurt, especially from someone as close to you as a spouse, so both husbands and wives need to be very careful with their tongues (there’s a reason there is so much written about being careful with words in the bible!).
On the other hand, my insecurities are my issue. I need to work on the plank in my own eye! I love the Dr Henry Cloud book Boundaries in Marriage on this topic!
Sorry for kind of going off topic, J.
Indeed. I’ve talked about how much vulnerability there is in baring your body to someone (again and again), and we need to be conscious of that in what we say and how we treat one another. When we feel safe and trusted, then we can be more comfortable to give and experience pleasure in the marriage bed.
I’m sorry that you were hurt by your husband’s words. I hope you’ve both found a way to overcome that. I faced a myriad of bodily insecurities in my marriage, all lies that I imagined as the years of my wife not wanting me sexually rolled on. She never told me that my penis wasn’t enough, or that my body was unattractive, or that she didn’t desire me. I told myself all those things because I concluded that they must be true. I filled in the blanks because I couldn’t imagine myself ever acting the same way towards her unless something about her repulsed me.
Had she ever actually voiced any of that to me I think it would’ve destroyed me. It’s strange how weak a man can be when in every other aspect of his life he can be so strong. Yes, my insecurities are my problem, but she has a power over me that is able to uplift or to tear down like no one else in my life. We all need to understand that we have that power with our spouse.
This was probably the most wonderful thing you could ever say to your husband. I hope there are wives who are reading this and learning from it. Men are probably more insecure about that part of their bodies than any other part. When a woman praises his penis, he feels more masculine and fulfilled than at any other time.
I hope that women will learn that if they want a man to love them, respect them, admire them, and do pretty much anything for them, they should tell him that his penis is better than they could have ever imagined. Then observe what follows.
Sean it’s like you’re reading my mind.
I completely agree. When we first got married, she thought it was weird and gross (I’m paraphrasing from my perspective, of course). She has since slowly taken an interest in it and I have become more and more grateful for that. When we discussed more and more things we can try with my penis (different positions, oral sex, directions on where it felt good when she plays with it), then I felt much more validated and loved and our marriage became stronger. I didn’t suddenly realized that I had more confidence and love for my wife – it just happened without me actually realizing it because she took more interest in my penis. It is nice to have a stronger and stronger marriage when I feel listened to and cared for both through talk and action. Sure sounds funny, but it’s true. Isn’t it weird that wives can just show interest in a body part to strengthen marriage. I’ve always thought that women hold so much more power over guy’s emotions than they realize. In marriage, that can translate to sex. When she puts for the effort to show interest in his penis or other areas, that can make a big difference to strengthen marriage. It has definitely worked for us. Not sure if “fake it to you make it” applies in this situation, but I believe that if you try different things in your sexual life (positions, oral, gentle manual play, discussion about penis, etc), you will find what works for you in your marriage and be strengthened by it, even if it doesn’t quite feel like “yours, mine, and ours” in the beginning.
All I know is that after 25 years of not even being touched there, and barely looked at there, I know exactly how my wife feels without her even saying a word.
Actions, or lack thereof, speak louder than words.
Went back a read the first penis post. It’s interesting to see how your perspective has changed, if not your feelings. I have experienced the same on my blog as I have learned more over time about women and as new knowledge and theories come to print about sexuality and relationships. We men can have strong egos, but how we feel about our sexuality is often strongly affected by the women in our relationships. As to your original use of the word “disappointed”, imagine how we feel when we worship our wives bodies (I know you women may find this hard to accept with your body image issues.) and they seem indifferent or repulsed by ours; our penis in particular. We see our penis as an extension (no pun) of us and if you can’t fully love it, how can you love us fully? Understand? This is why we men find women hating/disliking parts of their bodies so disturbing. We may, like you with your body, find ourselves wishing more of our individual penis, but we love and cherish it. No, I didn’t overstate that.
I’m going to go our on a limb here and hope my explanation of something does not offend as it is not meant to. Of course, so J intended with her first penis post so here goes:
I find when I write, interesting ideas will present themselves as just now happened. Consider this when speaking of men admiring the bodies of their wives and whose wives feel those bodies are not perfectly formed. The fact that we men can look into a mirror admiringly at our “hanging chicken neck” and see the beauty in it is because we can admire perfect function even if perfect form is absent. A rare Plymouth Duster Hemi has nowhere near the elegant, classic form of a ’67 split rear window, rare L88 Corvette, but you can burn the rubber off the tires with either one. Both are admired by male auto enthusiasts. They are admiring the appealing function of both while overlooking the differences in form. That is the way it is with our wives bodies and the parts that make them up. We do admire form, but it is ultimately how they, you wives, make it function that we are blown away with. As with our peculiar looking appendages, it is what we do with them women find pleasing…hopefully; not how perfectly formed of girth and length they are…or aren’t. Function over form.
Interesting thoughts. I just had a conversation with a fellow female blogger (didn’t get her permission, so I won’t name who), and I pointed out that I think one reason wives don’t understand how important that area is to a guy is because we have a complicated relationship to our sexual parts. That is, breasts are interesting and can feel some wonderful sensations, but they can also be subject to size worries, get in the way or sag, and even hurt around the time of a women’s period. The vulva and vagina can also experience some fabulous sensations, but that area also bleeds (annoying at the least) and can get infections. Sometimes we feel almost betrayed by our sex organs, like they are this other that doesn’t like us much at times. Whereas, I always got the sense that men were pretty happy with their penis and felt like it was a team member — an MVP, at that.
We sort of know that, but we don’t relate to how it is to feel that way.
I’m not sure if that rings true for others, but since you were sharing your off-the-cuff thoughts, I decided to add a few of my own! 🙂
Yep, J, I think you guys could be on to something! Especially when you include something like childbirth into the mix! I know that the can have a massive effect on his women view their vaginas and their breasts.
I do feel betrayed by my sex organs sometimes, everything from not being able to enjoy certain positions after childbirth, or at certain times of the month due to pain, or that particularly vigorous sex can often leave me with a UTI.
Then add to the fact that most of my sexual satisfaction comes from either hand or oral stimulation, and has very little to do with the penis (which is, at least in part, a mental issue of mine due to the habit of masturbating to erotica when I was younger, and part due to my physiological design).
I dunno, I mean, I think it is important that wives appreciate their husbands penis, but at the same time, I think maybe a lot of men have their own issue of making their penis into some kind of idol (penis worship, anyone?), and that maybe this is something that they need to take to God and work on themselves. WHY is it so important to them that their wife finds their penis so amazing?
You know, if your husband looked at your breasts and said, “Meh. I could take ’em or leave ’em…” Well, I know plenty of wives who would be very discouraged by that. So I understand the “penis worship” comment, but more often it really is that our bodies are an extension of ourselves, and we want to be fully accepted and loved.
I fully agree, J. Just as a man should be satisfied by his wife’s breasts his whole life, I do really agree that we wives should be as satisfied by our husbands penis (and body in general)
I’m kind of in the doldrums today, so excuse me if my comments have come off rather negative, after such a fun, encouraging post! I know that if I had read it on a different day, I would’ve just come out with something along the lines of ‘amen, sister!’. But, alas, not today!
One thing they I have come to realise is that due to our (as in, the human species) inherently sinful nature, our spouse will always have the capacity to hurt us, sometimes intentionally, mostly unintentionally, and therefore I am slowly learning (and becoming a passionate advocate for) finding our worth, love and acceptance in God, not man (or woman). I think that when we are secure in His love for us, it makes us more open and able to both give and receive love to/from others, and more able to brush off the things that make us feel hurt, vulnerable and insecure.
It’s also because it’s how we connect with you in the most intimate way and bring you the greatest physical pleasure.
Men shouldn’t make it everything, but at the same time, wives shouldn’t make it nothing.
“Men shouldn’t make it everything, but at the same time, wives shouldn’t make it nothing.”
Don’t claim to speak for all men, but I think many of us guys have a love/hate relation with our penises. A lot depends on our upbringing and how we deal with our sexuality in general.
In my case, my dad never talked about sex at all, never did anything to help me understand myself as a male. I remember my mom catching me masturbating when I was about 5 (yes, we learn real early that it feels real good), and my whole experience taught me that this thing between my legs was something to hide and be ashamed of. That was long before puberty, when when the inevitable comparisons with other boys get going.
Then comes the rush of testosterone and the inevitable erections that are difficult to hide. Boys get very adept at hiding their erections under desks, behind books, and the shirttail that just won’t stay in. When a boy becoming a man gets sexually aroused, there is nothing he can do to keep it secret. That pesky penis has a mind of its own.
Add to this mix the fact that I was sexually abused, and it’s easy to see how I entered marriage with my brain messed up sexually. It has taken years to come to terms with my penis, and it’s still sometimes an uneasy truce. Sometimes I love it, mainly because it allows me the most intimate connection with my wife. Sometimes, it betrays me and doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do (I’m 60 now). Sometimes it acts up and still gets erect at times when there is nothing to be done about it.
My penis has given me some of the greatest joys and blessings of my life: making love to my wife, and allowing me the privilege of fathering two wonderful sons. It has has brought me some of the greatest pain, both emotional and physical, I have ever experienced. I was promiscuous before marriage, and my uncontrolled sexuality got me into a lot of trouble, including having to be treated for gonorrhea. Very painful, and very shameful. And the sexual baggage I brought into marriage was very destructive. God is gracious and has removed the sin and shame, but there are a lot of regrets over my past.
Paul and Lori Byerly’s work over on The Marriage Bed site did wonders for me. I even learned a lot about how my plumbing works, including the amazing seminal vesicles. It’s amazing how many men think they know their penises and yet are ignorant of how the male genital system actually works.
Sorry for the ramble, but when a body part takes on a life of its own and almost seems detached from who I am, it’s pretty disconcerting.
Also, let’s not forget the comrades in arms of the penis: the testicles. Much pleasure and much pain there. Some of the pain is accidental, but boys can be cruel. I remember a junior high gym teacher ordering us during some activity, “Ok, boys, no racking between the legs!”
“Whereas, I always got the sense that men were pretty happy with their penis and felt like it was a team member — an MVP, at that.”
Until our MVP betrays us with PE or ED then it’s not OK but NG. 🙂
“Sometimes we feel almost betrayed by our sex organs, like they are this other that doesn’t like us much at times.”
This is something we men easily overlook if we even are aware of it. Perhaps if we too had a monthly reminder all during our prime years we might be more empathetic and relate better.
Thanks for your off the cuff observations.
The bigger challenge for women is getting their husbands to be even an occasional fan of the penis attached to them. That primitive part of our brain still draws a nearly concrete correlation between the size of our penis and sexual pleasure we’re able to deliver through it.
We can hear all of the old adages (“it’s not the size that counts…it’s how you use it”), the science-based facts (the average penis is 5.17 inches erect, +- 0.65), or even the anecdotal testimonies (“He was so big…but he didn’t know how to use it and it wasn’t pleasure able at all”)…we’ll still want more length or more girth…or both.
Just my opinion…but a partial reason for this is because a lot of us tend to not believe those things when said…even when it’s coming from our brides…because they are perceived many ways:
“Maybe she really means it.”
“Maybe she doesn’t care…it doesn’t matter to her…she couldn’t care less.”
“Maybe she’s saying anything to diffuse the conversation.”
“Maybe she’s just trying to make me feel better about something over which neither of us have any control over or viable options for remedy.”
”Maybe she’s trying to shield me from a truth that would otherwise cripple any confidence I might have lurking within.”
Just a sampling, there. The fragility of the male ego is well documented, and for many there’s a sliver of doubt when our wives tell us we should be proud and confident in what we were blessed with, and that it’s “perfect for me.”
I think J is on point with this post and her perspectives. She says that women aren’t as familiar with our equipment in a way that makes them feel confident. Solid points all around. Same could be said of some of us attached to these things. However, there’s a complex psychology attached to the penis that many of us…the full-time owners and caretakers…spend a good part of our lives working thru and figuring out.
For many, it’s simply not enough to hear that our brides are a fan of our man-parts. For some of us, it’s not even enough to “see” what kind of fan our wives are. We have to believe it too…it’s simply not enough to want to believe it. That’s much more difficult to achieve in the face of what that primitive part of our brains interpret as being evidence to the contrary.
I hope that there are men reading and agreeing with comments such as this, who may now have a better understanding of how their wives likely feel about their whole bodies.
I mean, from the looks of thes comments, men seem quite insecure about a part of them that really gets very little critical attention! Even Matts comment is all about how women are reassuring men and men are just not believing them! Whereas women are subject to very public and pretty much constant pressure that their entire bodies are not good enough! And then husbands voice frustration that their wives don’t believe them when they say that they (the husband) love their wives bodies and are xvitec by them. When women spend their whole lives in a culture that constantly tells them that their bodies aren’t good enough. Apart from the spam emails selling penis enlargements, where do men have this pressure?
Anyway, that rant just to say that we obviously all have more in common than we thought! And we are all sensitive to messages we are receiving about our bodies, and that I think the best place to turn when insecurity hits us is the Word of God. Yes, even before our spouses, because our spouse is an imperfect sinner, and we shouldn’t be finding our value there. Turn to God to find out exactly how we should be viewing our bodies, and that in turn will help us become better lovers of our spouse.
My wife is slightly disabled and as a result has expressed concerns about her body, since having our first child 36 years ago.
I wish I took the opportunity to proclaim sooner than I did, but in the last couple of years I found the right words in a way she knew I meant what I said in that she “is the mother of our 3 kids and that her body is as lovely as ever, so embrace who you are as woman”.
As for intimacy that is a sensitive area to talk about and I hope this isn’t out of bounds, but it is our intimate areas merging together that created our kids, which involved arousal which in most cases includes some sort mutual physical attraction.
I’ve read a lot about preferences and many ways how couples climax. (oral, penetrative or both) I think with oral and feather touching, sometimes taking my wife to the edge until her arousal is very high, then stopping before she climaxes and then enter my man part inside and move at a snails crawl and remain near motionless causing her arousal to continue to climb until she is going insane, can create an intense climax.
This seems to be an effective method and causes her to blurt out spontaneous words similar to what the author said to her husband during intimacy. But I too will blurt out the same in referring to her delicate parts in a spontaneous way, Which makes it thrilling for both us at the same time.
It isn’t always easy especially if there are young kids around and one or both spouses works crazy hours.
I wouldn’t underestimate the growing pressure that men are facing when it comes to their bodies. More and more facets of our culture are cultivating a message to boys that, just as has been the case with girls, there is an ideal body image they should strive to attain.
In 2014, The Atlantic published a piece detailing what forms this pressure is taking. I won’t link to it here because there’s likely a policy against that, but if you google “Atlantic Body Image Pressure Affecting Boys,” I think you’ll be disappointingly surprised at what they found. The size of our penis is just one facet of an unrealistic set of standards that boys are now exposed to.
I have a son who will be 9 in August. He’s an athletic kid…very active. The other day I caught him in the bathroom shirtless and flexing in the mirror. When I asked him what he was doing, he said that he wanted to see if he had a six pack yet. When I was 9, the only six-pack I knew of was the ones my dad kept in the fridge that I was not allowed to touch.
Anyway, further questioning by me revealed that he wants a physique like he sees in the male Avengers (Chris Evans’ “Captain America,” specifically…or Chris Hemsworth’s “Thor”…it was a tie). When I asked why that was so important to him, his reply was a bit sobering: “Well, who wants a dad-bod?” Now…that was said tongue-in-cheek, but it eludes to a unique (if not simply newer) dichotomy that men face in our culture…a physique trend that is popularized because it isn’t actually desirable.
Without question…despite those rather tame examples, women face far more scrutiny in this area than do men. It’d be foolish to argue anything but. The point is that rather than learning from the mistakes we’ve made with women, we’ve doubled down on the same strategy and put guys in the crosshairs this time around. If ONLY it was limited to just our penises.
Thanks for sharing this. And yeah, I agree. In fact, I have post that I started writing (a while back) titled, “Are Women Now Harming Male Body Image?” The title may change, but I guess it’s time to finish that one!
J, I would be very interested to read that article to see what angle you take with it. That being said, the answer is “yes” if you keep that same title. More and more, I see female friends and family members posting pictures of male models or other extremely fit men with their shirts off. These posts invariably include comments from the poster as well as many other females along the lines of “wow, he could come fix my sink anytime!” “I would set my own house on fire just to get him to come over!” Or other things of that nature.
Now, there is nothing wrong with being attracted to certain things. Women tend to be attracted to tall, muscular men and that’s just a fact. But it seems that more and more with women are making it known that they want these kinds of men. I would also like to point out that I rarely if ever see men do this. Of course this makes men without that type of body self conscious.
I don’t believe men are nearly as negativity affected by this as women are, mostly because most men understand that physical attractiveness isn’t nearly as important to most women as it is for men.
So I don’t have male celebrities I’m into, but long before I married my husband I used to watch old, classic movies. And oh my, I had a thing then for Cary Grant. Recently, however, when I’ve seen him in movies or photos, I think how he wouldn’t even be considered good-looking these days because he doesn’t have that seemingly requisite build. Which is sad, because he really was a handsome man. Anyway…
I’m sure it’ll be well done. They always are.
I’m sure that overall body image is harmful to some boys, I find this a much more beneign thing. Boys (and girls) can change what their physique is by exercising and eating right. Looking good and being healthy boosts confidence and has numerous health benefits, and makes you more attractive. Can this be taken too far? Sure, and so can anything. But there is absolutely nothing that a guy can do about his penis size. It’s completely out of your control and so a man is more likely to view his wife’s approval or disapproval with his penis as more of judgement of him as a man.
thanks for the comments re body image Matt! Thank you for your example of your son, too! I too have a preteen boy (a little older than yours) who is currently working on getting himself a six pack and some bulging biceps! I don’t actually know where this desire has come from, because as a homeschooler, he doesn’t get this from school, he’s not on social media (and neither are my hub and I), he’s not even a big sports fan! But thank you for giving me this to ponder, so I can make sure that I am at least making a conscious effort to promote doing exercise to help your body function better, rather than do it all for appearances!
Brian, thank you for your comment regarding not being able to do much about penis size/shape/look. I understand that too. Since giving birth to a rather large baby at a reasonably young age, I have had issues down stairs that I can’t fix with exercise, either (don’t worry, I’ve tried). Same with things like naturally sagging breasts, or the lack of fullness after breast feeding.
But ANYWAY, I just realised that I am ‘high jacking’ this post with ‘but we get that too’ comments, which is something I sometimes find annoying from men! I am so sorry guys! I really need to remember that to make someone feel better, you do not need to show them someone who has it worse (because *insert sarcasm* of course THAT will work!) and instead I should just ‘mourn with those who mourn’ and say how sorry I am that we live in this broken world, and that there are so many men out there who struggle to feel wanted, who struggle with body or performance insecurity and who are hurting! I’m going to say a prayer for all you guys, and I am going to be intentional about building up my husband in these areas, and be intentional to forge a healthy body image and identity in my son.
Thank you so much, J, for writing this post (and I look forward to that other one!) and to all the men commenting who have helped me see how much hurt a lot of men have in this area!
I definitely didn’t take as you trying to highjack the post. I think it’s good for us to all realize that there isn’t a race to see who has it worse. We all have struggles that sometimes other people can’t emphasize with, and sometimes we can. I think it’s great that we can somewhat bridge the gap. To be honest I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a baby, or to have your body change forever as a result. I do have sympathy for sure, but I can only be thankful that it won’t happen to me.
What’s really important about all of this is what we do as a result, and for that I’m grateful for J. She’s trying to show women that it’s ok to love your husband’s penis, and even to be thrilled by it. All we can really do is deal with what we have and love our spouse in a way that lifts them up.
Complimenting your love to your husband’s p*nis adds a little spice into your intimacy. (in my opinion) The fact that you turned a little pink afterwards also adds to the spice as it exposes a certain properness inside you.
My wife is very sweet and proper, so when she blurts out whatever is on her mind during intimacy, exposes to me that she is on fire. (which is what happened to you with your husband)
Blurting words like that out, exposes an authentic way of your raw attraction towards your man and his equipment.
Kind of like letting one’s hair down during the act of making love and savoring every moment.
I do think a couple can be on fire and not say anything. But in the case of my wife and I, we say what is on our mind. Afterwards, I like to remind her that she is the sexiest woman on the planet.
If I heard my wife say this, I definitely would be walking on cloud nine for some time.
Until a little over a week ago, I was a 37 yr old virgin. I grew up in a conservative Christian home and have maintained the convictions that go along with that( definite goody-two-shoes, here). In a conservative environment you are taught to avoid all sexual thoughts until you are married. And with that, means I have avoided thinking about male anatomy for the most part and to some extent felt guilty if I did get curious about how it works sexually).
For me, I guess I just lumped it into the rest of the male anatomy. I wasn’t completely clueless to the looks of what a penis would look like, but at the same time the actual visual of it did not trigger a response. I’m a logical and factual person, so for me male and female sex organs have never been thought of as “attractive” as much as functional. Just like I don’t look at a man’s nose and think “oh, that is a hot nose”, it never crossed my mind to view a penis as something that is attractive ( until meeting and marrying my husband, and having him share his thoughts).
I don’t really think about my genitalia as being attractive and until my husband started complimenting me, the thought never crossed my mind it would be a way for him to compliment me (I’m still newly married, so it hasn’t become a “compliment/turn on” to hear it yet.). I certainly wasn’t “disappointed” by the looks of my husband, but it didn’t turn me on( not saying, HE didn’t, just not the looks of his “manhood”).
I truly appreciate this blog because it has opened my eyes to things I’ve never thought about or experienced and has given me a freedom I didn’t know I needed. Hopefully reading this blog early on in my marriage will allow me to avoid some mistakes along the way. I will definitely make an effort to appreciate all of him verbally for my husband. Based on reading some of the blogs here, I need to work on my thoughts. For so long I’ve shut down all sexual thoughts, so now that I’m allowed to have them, it’s going to take time to adjust. Thanks, J for this post and the original post. It was reassuring to know I’m not completely alone in my thought process, but also to know the errors of those thoughts…now that I have a husband.
Yes, I do want my wife to “worship” my penis, because i guess to me my penis is a representation of my entire sexuality. If she not only accepts it as “good enough “ but is thrilled by it, by extension that is how she feels about me. I’m not sure there is any kind of direct comparison, especially for the vast majority of women who don’t have any idea what it’s like to not be desired.
It’s probably completely alien to hear this for some women because you’ve always had members of the opposite sex lining up to try and see your most intimate parts, so complete acceptance of your sexuality as desirable was a given. To most men, this is not so. We have a longing to know what that is like, and so maybe that is why we are so hung up on wanting our penis to be reassured by our wife. Many women fight for their husband to NOT want to see their parts in fact.
” especially for the vast majority of women who don’t have any idea what it’s like to not be desired.”
“because you’ve always had members of the opposite sex lining up to try and see your most intimate parts, so complete acceptance of your sexuality as desirable was a given.”
A problem here Brian is what you are labeling as desire is seen by many women as unwelcome and disrespectful attention. We men think if this kind of lustful desire works for us, it likely does and should for them. We see the world from our paradigm and theirs is more complex when it comes to intimacy and not just sexual intimacy. There may be a few for whom it does work this way, but far from a majority. They feel all those men in line are the wrong men for an intimate relationship. What those women are looking for to be a given, those men aren’t giving.
Even if women wanted to be this way, their sexuality is influenced by an abundance of factors, many beyond their conscious control, that would make such a choice one that would conflict with their very nature. I used to think it could be possible and should be so simple. The more I learn with time and study, the more I see the fallacy behind my old reasoning.
Yeah, I see your points too, Brian. But Dan has a point. This in particular — “because you’ve always had members of the opposite sex lining up to try and see your most intimate parts, so complete acceptance of your sexuality as desirable was a given” — feels to a lot of women that we are valued for our sexuality but not ourselves. There’s a lot of cultural messages to that effect, so when guys are “lining up to try and see your most intimate parts,” it’s actually very off-putting. In some ways, it can create shame about body parts, when women want to hide them away from prying eyes.
I agree with what Dan and J are saying, and I don’t think that it in any way takes away from what I’m saying. On the contrary. My point is that most women can’t fathom how or why our penis is so important to us. Whereas women don’t want to be valued for their sexuality (it’s a given that they are), I as a man WANT to be valued for my sexuality. So we’re coming from two opposite ends of the spectrum.
Women typically get more sexual attention than they want, men typically have much less sexual attention than they want. While women might feel some kind of shame because they don’t want men to have access to their private parts, men are likely to feel shame because no one wants access to their private parts (all too often even their wife).
I’m not in any way trying to say women should be like men sexually (although if they were it would be so awesome). I’m saying that it’s very difficult for women to understand what it’s like to have a penis because their paradigm is completely different from ours.
@Brian, you said
“It’s probably completely alien to hear this for some women because you’ve always had members of the opposite sex lining up to try and see your most intimate parts, so complete acceptance of your sexuality as desirable was a given.”
I am a woman, and for me this is not true at all. I do not know why, as I am an average looking woman, but no man – NO MAN – has ever lined up to try to see me, and no man has ever seen my sexuality as desireable. I admit I have often wondered what it would be liked to be desired. Specifically by my husband, but even by anyone.
I am not a supermodel, but I am not ugly and I am not fat – (and I know that many plus size women are very beautiful and desireable to their husbands and other men – but for whatever reason, even my more “athletic” body is not seen as desireable.) However, I have never been looked at, stared at, hit on, cat called, flirted with, thought about, or desired. It perplexes me the number of women who claim this happens to them on a daily basis, when it has not happened to me, not even once.
You say “we have a longing to know what that is like…” I hear ya. I’m not saying I’d find catcalling appealing, but I would certainly love to know what it is like to be seen as sexually attractive, specifically to my husband.
My point is, don’t assume all women know what it’s like to accept their sexuality as desireable. My sexuality, and my lack of desireability, has been nothing but a burden. This may be wrong, but I do envy the women who are seen as desireable. It’s a feeling I’m suspecting I will never experience.
You know, B…I bet you have had men look at and flirt with you. I’ve thought exactly what you say a lot in the last couple of decades. And then I was at this event where I was just chatting with a guy about writing, and later my friend said, “He was totally into you.” I looked at her like she’d grown a second head. It took her a while to convince me, because I didn’t see it. And then I realized that some of this could be how much women actually notice it. Just my two cents.
Hi J. I doubt it. Because I very much notice when my husband looks at, stares at, flirts with, or admires another woman. And he doesn’t act that way with me. Never has. He tries to tell me he does, but he doesn’t. He acts completely differently with women he is attracted to.
I also notice when other men notice or flirt with other women. It just doesn’t happen with me. For whatever reason. And I’m sure it’s okay, that I’m supposed to learn something from it or grow in some way because of it, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.
As far as the original topic, I do love my husbands penis and I have told him so. I think it makes him happy. Sometimes he’ll act like a tease for fun. I should love that but sometimes it hurts my feelings, knowing he thinks he’s hot enough to tease, but he doesn’t seem the least bit interested in me doing a flirty tease for him. So frustrating and disheartening, so I’ve pretty much given up flirting with him.
Hmmm. I have some other thoughts on that one. (I have your email. 😉 )
I’m gonna second that, J.
Men “notice” women far more than women like B may realize.
No…we may not come talk to you for a variety of very valid reasons that you would support as well.
No…we may not ogle in an obvious manner…because that’s creepy and puts women on edge. Frankly, it makes men feel a little creepy too.
But rest assured…if there’s something about you that we’ve noticed, it is entirely possible that we may admire you from afar so that you’ll never know. For many of us, it may be nothing more than an innocent instance of eye contact in passing. To do anymore could cause a misunderstanding of our intentions.
For example…it’s totally common for me to walk past a women who has a feature that I find appealing, and at most I’ll offer up a friendly “Hello” in passing…never turning my head back for another glimpse. What good would that do? As a married man, my intention should remain pure, but my wife and I agree that there’s no harm in noticing an appealing feature in another so long as it’s not born of lust.
Matt, I’d just like to offer encouragement that women are probably also ‘noticing’ a lot of men from a distance, without being obvious, too! Remember, in a lot of things, women tend to be much subtler than men (and men have been known to struggle with even obvious hints!) so a woman noticing an attractive man could prove very difficult for a man to notice! I know that I ‘notice’ attractiveness in a lot of men, who I doubt very much are aware of the ‘nice butt’, or ‘those arms are sexy’ thought that flitted through my mind (and got firmly removed, because those are NOTthoughts I should be having!)
J, about you not noticing another mans interest in you, I think that when we are not actively looking for a mans interest (if we are off the market, so to speak!) we just don’t see it (unless it is coming in a really obvious, creepy form like cat calling!)
Yeah, I do still spot the creeps. Don’t even get me started on the time a girlfriend and I attended a boat show. Yikes!
This is exactly why so said “most”, “many”, and “some”. There are men (about 5-10%) that are in the highest percentage of attractiveness that constantly have women throw themselves at them. This is not the vast majority of men’s experience. Everyone is different, but people tend to fall into trends.
Hi Brian, my point was that I understand what you’re saying. That even as a woman, I’ve never had the experience of being valued for my sexuality, even though most other women have. And most other women may think it’s wrong of me, but I’d like to know what it feels like, especially to be valued that way by my husband.
B, then my heart hurts for you. I’m sorry you have to feel what most men feel.
I’m with Brian on this too B. My heart goes out to you. I think all of us want to feel desirable, men and women.
J., I read your post this morning, and just coincidentally, last night I said to my husband for about the 300th time, “I hope you don’t mind that I like your man parts so much.” It’s hard for him to understand the importance women can place on being ‘proper’ – as Matt mentions above. I worry that he thinks I’m not ‘ladylike’. Of course he tells me he likes my liking him that way. thank you to Brian, Sean and Lee for sharing their viewpoints, too! I think my husband’s male organs are fascinating and fun, but it’s hard for me to just be free with that. (I often say to my husband, “I’m glad I don’t have those – but I’m glad you let me borrow them sometimes.”)
Interesting post. I’ve kind of hkinda got about this before. I’ve been married for almost 5 years and for it is only occasional that I’ll really even look at my husband’s penis – it is actually a turn-off to me. I feel like there may be some resentment that “it” can be a bit demanding and that every single time he finishes completely (ie orgasm) whereas it is very rare for me to orgasm.
For me as well, during the majority of our times together in bed I have my eyes closed – somehow it helps me concentrate and enjoy it more. I don’t want to be looking around (even at him) and having anything else come into mind.
And finally, for me a large portion of the times I have reached climax has been ether totally or mostly manual stimulation – not simply just through penetrative sex; so maybe I don’t see that the penis itself actually “does” anything for me in that way.
Your 3 points about familiarity, physiology and pleasure has made me think maybe I just need more time and understanding?…
Pornography plays no small part in causing men to overemphasize the importance of their penis. Women should be cautious sharing this infatuation. A man’s preoccupation with his penis is probably a leading cause of why so many women get shortchanged when it comes to pleasure.
Doug, I hear what you’re saying. And I agree with the notion that porn can cause an unhealthy preoccupation with his penis and then shortchanging of her pleasure. However, I’d say it’s not about a wife being cautious in expressing affection, but aware of how she does so. For that one time I declared what I shared in this post, I’ve told my husband that I love HIM a gazillion times more. So expressing admiration for all of him, including his penis, is what I’m emphasizing here.
J, some interesting research data that shows how men tend to get hung up on their penis, particularly its size:
“In a recent academic survey of more than fifty thousand respondents between the ages of eighteen and fifty, just 15 percent of women reported dissatisfaction with their partner’s penis size, while 45 percent of men wanted a larger penis.” ~ A Billion Wicked Thoughts
Yep. I’ve read stats like that plenty of times. The gap between how women feel and how men feel about their penis is big.
I think a lot of this is culture, and some of it is a large portion of women that really do say they larger penises are better. Besides porn, our TV shows and movies give men the message that a large penis is far better than a small or average one. Jokes or insults from women in media always seem to insenuate that a small penis is worthless.
I would chalk this up to just our corrupt and Godless media being terrible, except that I’ve seen promiscuous actual women say that they prefer a larger penis. They might not be the majority of women, but the comment always goes something like; “most women won’t tell you the truth, but women want a large penis”. Now, of course those women can’t possibly speak for all women, but when a man hears this it makes him wonder if his wife is lying to him in order to protect his feelings. So while the vast majority of women are fine with their husband’s penis size, out culture in general is sending a very different message.
I think that’s accurate, that it tends to be more promiscuous women that say that. I have received a few of those emails, and with the exception of a man who had an actual medical issue, complaints about size have come from women who have had multiple partners. Now, this doesn’t mean that if a wife had multiple partners before the marriage that she’s comparing. The vast majority of wives I’ve heard from are more than content with their husband’s size. What’s interesting, perhaps, is that it’s not size at all that many women react to when they don’t seem as impressed as their husbands would like them to be: the issues are far more about shape and movement. I don’t know how to explain that easily, except to say that it’s a foreign object to us. Even if we’ve seen them in textbook drawings or on our young sons, it’s a different thing when the penis is coming at you wanting to do things. Most women had a surprised reaction to their first exposure, and some wives never seem to get past that. I’m hoping this post will really help!
I see what you did there ?
Lol. I didn’t mean to, but I did wonder if someone else would notice.
“Honestly, we should each be one another’s biggest body fans.” Amen! With all the world does in the name of sex we come to the marriage in an already damaged state a lot of times. Becoming a student of your spouses body takes patience & humility. Too many times we come to the marriage as King & Queen & we demand to be served. I tried that. Made things worse. I never knew the servant, like Jesus, would be so great. My wife & I found the balance of being able to please & being pleased while serving. Now we are building on the right foundation. Sin wants a crown. Heaven goes to the childlike faith.
I think we should relish each other as much as possible.
I love when my kids really enjoy what they have been given and I think God sees us the same way.
I’m such a fan of hers, I wish she were a fan of mine. It’s such a double-edged sword… When I’m next to her, I just want to massage/touch/caress/fondle her because I love seeing and feeling the beauty of her body–but she’s far too ticklish, and ends up hating it (seriously, her ticklishness is off the charts–she can barely stand massages from me or anyone else).
Conversely, I just want her to massage/touch/caress/fondle me when we’re together, but she doesn’t show that my body is anything she loves. Sure, I want her to love my mind, but I also want her to love and cherish my body too.
To me, loving your husband’s man-part is a given because loving your spouse means loving every part of them. My husband is very good at complimenting me. I am a very ordinary looking woman but he makes me feel like I am beautiful. I want my husband to know that I appreciate all of his body too. I primarily love my husband because of who he is (his individual character) but I am attracted to him because he is a man!
I think this issue is especially difficult when a wife comes into the marriage very innocent, especially if the husband doesn’t.
I don’t know that my husband will ever really appreciate the fact that his penis is the only one I’ve ever seen, with the exception of the few I briefly saw the many times I found porn on his computer (and thankfully forgot!). So this whole size debate is incomprehensible to me because I have no one to compare him to! I think he wishes I did though.
Men, if your wife is like me, please please value and honor that gift and don’t expect her to act like the girl who has seen and/or been with a bunch of men. Please try to relish in the fact that she truly is yours alone. And wives, if you’re like me and taught yourself to avert your eyes and are struggling to unteach that habit for your husband, keep pushing yourself to recognize the gift God gave you in your husband. Find ways to communicate loud and clear to him that you find him irresistible — all of him. Assume he doesn’t know how amazing you think he is.
Hi J, along the line of men and their penis. I’m newly married and I’d never been sexually active nor really dated so I’m curious about something. My husband likes me to massage/fondle/ stroke him anytime of day. As long as no one is around he will frequently put my hand down there and has mentioned I should do that anytime I want. As per your post, his penis is a foreign object for me and this thought process is not something that ever entered my brain, prior to marriage. I’ve never thought about cuddling on the couch and wishing he would fondle my nether regions. Maybe that comes with sexual experience, but it’s just not something that I think I’ll be asking(while chilling watching a movie). I truly don’t mind massaging him from time to time and it at some point I may come to appreciate it. I guess my question is… is this common for guys to request this and my inexperience has kept me naive or is this something my hubby is just more vocal about and something he likes.
Huh, not typical. But not bad either. I think it depends on how he’s wanting you to touch him. I think plenty of men enjoy having their testicles and the lower part of the shaft massaged or stroked, but if it gets to the head of the penis or turns into more firm touches, that’s usually when a man is wanting things to move right into sexual territory.
All that said, my caveat is that I do not own the equipment, so maybe a couple of husbands could weigh in on this and confirm my thoughts or give their own?
J, as a man whose primary love language is touch, I think if and how a man likes to be touched can depend on some other factors. I love it when my wife touches me non-sexually, but when I was a refused man who was starved for sex, any touch became sexual touch, and it was torture, because it knew it would go nowhere.
I read somewhere recently a question from a woman who wondered why men would often have their hands down their pants, even idly, like when vegging out in front of the TV. From my own experience, it’s not sexual, or not necessarily sexual. It feels good, comforting, and is no different really from when a man with facial hair strokes his beard or mustache (I used to do that all the time without even really being aware of it).
Maybe this woman’s husband is sexually fulfilled with her, and his desire for her to touch his genitals is merely his way of connecting at a level that says comfort rather than passion. Or maybe he is sexually deprived to some degree and he wants her to “own” his manhood more.
Does he idly caress her breasts or vulva when they/re doing something rather neutral, like watching TV? My advice to this wife is to do this to help herself get more comfortable with his body, but also to stroke his hair, rub his chest or back, caress his arm, other touches that are not specifically sexual. And if he has facial hair, try lightly tracing his mustache with a finger. The lip is very sensitive.
Thanks! I appreciate the insight (from someone who has the equipment 😉 ).
I can only speak for myself, but I absolutely want this. To me, it’s extremely intimate and I don’t mean just sexual. I tried for so many years to get my wife to fondle me out of nowhere, and she would not. Now that she does I love it. So yes, some men want to be touched and played with even if it’s not going to lead to anything more. However, if a man isn’t getting enough sex, even the slightest touch will send him into overdrive with the hope of sex, so please don’t do this unless you are having very frequent sex.
Interesting. Maybe quite a few men want this, but they don’t speak up about it much. Because I did not think this husband’s request was typical, but it’s quite possible he’s just voicing what other husbands haven’t. Thanks!
I thought all men would want this, but I do have physical touch as my primary love language so maybe it’s not true for many men. I want to be touched all over, but touching me and fondling me on my genitals and butt come across as so loving and far more intimate than say a back rub. For a long time I would playfully do this to my wife and it would make her mad. I never understood her reaction back then, because I thought she would like what I would like. Anyway, it’s amazing how different we can be I suppose.
M, I would say your husband is being vocal about what he wants. I wouldn’t say putting your hand down there any time he can is typical but it’s not atypical either. It would be unusual if he were harmful, demanding, or abusive about it. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case. Since, he tells you that you should do it anytime you want I assume he is trying to convey his wishes. I also assume you are young newly wedish. I might’ve thought or said the same thing back then too. Even today I might (between the context of friendly banter of my spouse & I) try & urge something to happen that my wife is not thinking of doing. I say context there as a playful timing kinda thing. Never any kind of anger or demanding.
You & your husband need time to develope the sex of you both. Tailor made to your marriage. Allow that & search out your own half to that. There is a lot of fun to be had that God intends. You never thought about it before, now is the time. It’s awesome that you have a heart to do that. It shows in your desire to do things with your husband & in the fact that you are asking here.
Thank you, mepharisee! Yes, we are very newly wed and in addition to that, on a scale of inexperience to experience sexually, he spent the bulk of his adulthood away from God and we are about as far apart in this area as possible. So I’m a new experience, in my inexperience as much as he is to me on the flip side. I was more curious than anything and did not want to ask friends. He usually comments on it or jokingly puts my hand down there, but never in a mean way. I love him and if that is something that is comforting to them, then I’ll gladly do it. Thank you for your input.
I came to marriage in the same place you are — completely inexperienced. My husband was also a virgin, which I am so thankful for, but definitely did have more education in that realm than I did. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that your husband isn’t the only one:) Maybe this shows my inexperience with more than one man, but I was actually surprised when I saw that J didn’t think this was normal. From day 1 I’ve known that my husband enjoys being touched anytime and all the time: in the car, sitting beside each other, in bed, in the shower, just for a second in passing in the kitchen. It makes him interested, but definitely doesn’t need to lead to sex for him. That is likely because he’s not a sexually deprived man though. Nothing puts a bigger smile on his face and it’s definitely huge bonus points when I do it un-asked for. I try to be intentional to randomly touch him at least a couple times a day or so, because I know it means a lot to him. When we’ve talked about it he’s just simply said that it “just feels nice”, “makes him feel close to me”, and “makes him feel like I like him”. As an inexperienced newly wed, I have to admit that I had some struggles with it, it wasn’t anything I expected, it felt so awkward and foreign, and to be completely honest I wanted him to be completely besotted with me and my body and desire for his penis to be inside me (though there was plenty of that as well), rather than having him have this huge desire to just experience touch. His desire for touch made me almost a little insecure, wondering if maybe my body wasn’t doing a “good enough job”. But over the last few years I’ve slowly realized it isn’t any sinister thing, or any dissatisfaction with my body. He’s a godly, loving, pure-minded, and unselfish man…who loves my touch in addition to more traditional forms of intimacy.
Thanks for this, Alissa! Yeah, I think husbands wanting more touching there is common, but the scenario described didn’t seem typical to me. And before marriage, I (sadly) had experience with fair number of men, so I felt reasonably comfortable saying that — it just wasn’t a request I dealt with. So I’m finding others’ answers to this question interesting.
Do you know if physical touch is your husband’s primary love language?
He’s never taken the Love language quiz but yeah I’m pretty sure his love language -Both giving and receiving is touch. Haven’t figured out his second top one.
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My wife and I have been married over 40 year. We get on very well together, laugh, and enjoy so much. But she has never really enjoyed touching my penis and certainly does not say much about it. She also does not like me touching her with it. I have and still do find this a challenge and it makes me feel sad and sometimes that she does not find me attractive.
I guess we all have our challenges to live with!!
Have you asked her why? She may have received some bad messages or perhaps she has some hygiene concerns (some women do). I’d just want to know why, so you can start working on the underlying issue.
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