Hot, Holy & Humorous

Verbal Self-Control in the Bedroom

I am loud.

In the first few years of our marriage, my husband and I lived in apartments — sharing Pringle-chip thin walls with some of our neighbors.  Our newlywed years were filled with unmitigated vocalization.  For all I know, the neighbors were thinking every time they saw me, “War is quieter than you.”  Then again, I was Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady.  Should I really be embarrassed?  Wasn’t I supposed to be enjoying God’s gift to matrimony?

Eventually, we moved into a house, with thicker walls!  Soon after, though, children came along, and that was a game-changer.  To the Quiet Game.

It was time to exert that Fruit of the Spirit called self-control.  I’m pretty sure that’s not what Galatians 5:22-23 is talking about, but no one wants her child knocking on the bedroom door late at night and yelling in a trembling voice, “Mommy! Mommy! Are you okay in there?” just as she’s attempting to conceive a sibling for said child.  So, self-control it is.

J’s Ways to Keep Quiet during Sex:

1.    Hold your breath. It fights off hiccups, unwanted sexual noises, and pool water flowing into your mouth after the perfect cannonball.

2.    Grit your teeth. While probably not advised by your dentist, he would likely allow it if his home shared a wall with yours.

3.    Bite your tongue. Not too hard, of course, or you’ll have to explain to others the gash in your fleshy taste-tester.

4.    Place your mouth against the mattress, pillow, or your spouse’s skin. Don’t think of it as self-smothering, merely effective orifice placement.

5.    Think about something completely unsexy. Like the gunk that congeals on your sink’s drain stopper, your spouse’s toenail clippings buried in the carpet, or your in-laws.

That’s all I’ve got.  My entire approach to verbal self-control in the bedroom.  Sometimes these methods work, sometimes they don’t.  My kids haven’t yet asked any redface-inducing questions of me–though perhaps they’re holding it all in until they can pay $200 an hour for professional therapy–so maybe I’m not as loud as I think.

On the other hand, my husband and I recently found blueprints for our house, which was custom built some years before we purchased.  The drawings show the master bedroom with extra insulation for sound-proofing.  I don’t know if noise buffers were installed as shown, but it gives me consolation to imagine that I could yell, “You rock my world!” at the top of my lungs and only my beloved husband would hear.

So maybe you should let go a little.  Then watch your neighbors’ expressions as they pass you in the hallway or on the street.  You might get a grin, a snicker, or even a high-five.  Who knows?  But your spouse will certainly delight in it!

“You who dwell in the gardens with friends in attendance,

let me hear your voice!”

Song of Songs 8:13


1 thought on “Verbal Self-Control in the Bedroom”

  1. I love this post J…soo funny…I often have t remind my hubby to be quiet if we sneak off for a daytime quickie…like you, I don’t really want my kids running in thinking there is an emergency LOL

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