Hot, Holy & Humorous

Where to Have Sex: Part 1

At times it seems that we married people are a rather unimaginative lot. After all, most of have 99% of our sex in — can you guess? — a bed.

One suggestion for introducing a little playfulness, creativity, or adventure into your sex life is to vary where you have sex. Consider location, location, location. Besides atop the king mattress set, where else can a husband and wife be intimate? In the spirit of the medical ethics principle of Primum non nocere (“First, do no harm”), today’s post will focus on . . .

Places You Think Would Be Fun for Sex, But Not So Much

The Elevator. The thought of being alone in an elevator with your hubby, stripping down, and doing it against the wall or on the floor as you go up or down sounds adventurous. In fact, there seems to be a lot of innuendo, making out, and sex going on in elevators in the movies. There is even an Aerosmith song, Love in an Elevator (“Livin’ it up when I’m goin’ down”).

However, many elevators these days have cameras. So unless you’re trying to entertain the security guard with a free porn movie, why go there? Plus, if you push the Stop button on an elevator, someone might call for help, and you may be preventing someone from getting someplace they need to go. Finally, are you putting a plastic cover down, or messing up their carpet? I’m just sayin’.

Think of this: An elevator is simply a moving closet. If you want that experience, put full length mirrors along the walls of your closet, install a handrail, pipe in some easy listening tunes, and pretend to push the Lobby button. Same thing, no photographic evidence.

The Beach. Remember that great scene in From Here to Eternity in which Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr roll around on the beach in each other’s arms and everyone thinks, “Wow.” The sun’s rays beating down, the waves licking your bodies, the wind blowing through your hair. Could it get any sexier?

Lancaster & Kerr kissing on the beach

Now for the reality of sexual activity on the beach: Sand gets everywhere. And I mean everywhere. If you think the worst place to pick grains of sand from is your ear canal, you are sadly mistaken. Throwing down a blanket won’t stop that wonderful wind from blowing the sand your way. Plus, there are birds. You do not want a flock of seagulls watching you mate or dropping their souvenirs on your head.

The Kitchen Table. Another movie-inspired idea, I think. Thanks to Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham, it’s appealing to a lot of women to imagine the husband clearing off a table and taking her right then, right there. This could also be a desk, as many have imagined making love at one or the other’s workplace.

Sarandon & Costner in kitchen

Newsflash! Tables and desks are hard. It is not comfortable to have your hips, back, derrière, etc. slammed against a surface with as little give as a concrete sidewalk. Positioning yourself appropriately for intercourse is not easy, and if your back and knees are over 30 years old, grab the pain reliever before you even begin.

The Ground. Mosquitoes, chiggers, and ants, o my! If you lay your naked bodies down right on the dirt or grass, you can expect to make contact with nature. Sometimes nature is beautiful, sometimes it is harsh. You do not want to have an orgasm followed by a poison ivy in the same place. Even if the sex is fabulous, is it worth scratching your nether regions for two weeks? Of course, this is preventable with a little planning.

Blue Lagoon movie scene

Bring a quilt, a blanket, or at least a tarp. Put something between you and God’s green earth. Yes, I know that the Song of Songs speaks of the married couple being in the vineyard and under the apple tree, but I imagine that smart chap having a bed linen at the ready.

The Church Parking Lot. Seriously, dude. Whoever you were several years ago who left his used condoms in our church parking lot, uncool. Very uncool. I had to get a latex glove and paper towels, grab your icky prophylactic, and trash it before a child could pick it up and ask, “What’s this?” You probably should not have been doing it to begin with (assuming that was fornication), but even if you were married, you could have chosen a more conducive location.

In reality, any place where children are present and could see you or your evidence is not an appropriate location for sex. There’s a reason why people advise, “Get a room.”

Next Thursday, I’ll give a few suggestions of great places to have sex that don’t involve a bed. In the meantime, leave your comment below with the worst place you or someone you know has engaged in sexual activity. Let’s help our fellow married couples avoid a bad intimate encounter.

33 thoughts on “Where to Have Sex: Part 1”

  1. Contrary to popular belief, the shower SUCKS! Especially if its your standard sized shower/tub combo. Not really any room to move around, and not to mention slippery!

    1. I agree! Especially if you are shorter than your husband – it’s a bit slippery to keep your legs wrapped around him. Ugh!

    2. Which is why rear entry in the shower works…spend a good bit of time lathering up…I mean lather EVERYTHING…that’s half the fun… then her hands against the wall and a bit of a bend and it’s party time, not to mention the trembling knees…

  2. yep…tried the beach once and while it was a romantic memory, it definitely wasn’t the most pleasant experience lol!

  3. I’m going to say a car, but you may be saving that one for tomorrow. But the car was not comfortable…but it was a small car too

  4. My husband and I are both in the Military, and it’s quite common to hear of “romantic” port-a-john meetings…
    …eww….in so many ways…eww…

    1. Looking back through this list and shuddering at this one. Ick. Are there really no other options? Goodness.

  5. Jijiji it’s been a loooong time ago, as newly weds, in a department store dressing room! Those were the days. I admit for us it’s 100% of the time in the bedroom. :-s I’m up for adventure or just trying something new but low T hubby isn’t as “freaky” with me anymore. =( Hopefully with the new TRT we just started on we can reignite. I can’t wait to see the next ost and hopefully try them out! The car was fun but what wasn’t fun was when the officer knocked on our window! (it was a secluded place, not a check parking lot!)

  6. Great post, We enjoyed a canoe trip up a little creek and found a very private, secluded cove. Laid our blanket on the grass by the creek and enjoyed a beautiful sky and what married couples do best. Another time was in our boat on the lake for an over nighter, The stars are beautiful too.

  7. at the park, it was awesome…. until the next day and realized the chiggers had a field day! ewwwww…
    can’t wait to read tomorrow!

  8. I really like when my wife gives me oral in the car while I’m driving!!!! That’s a fun drive!!!

    1. I have a friend who runs a wrecker service. He told me of an occasion not far from his place where this very thing was taking place. he had to pull out the sar. The officers had to take away the bodies. I would not suggest this! I think we could call it “distracted driving”, on a grand scale!

  9. Worst ever: Swimming pool. Chlorine is not your wife’s friend and clinging onto a floatie to stay above water is not fun!
    Best ever: In the rain on our deck!

  10. My husband and I used to go to a church that mebin the evening. One afternoon we were raally eipes after an early morning in town so we went to our church building hoping to just crash out for a bit somewhere. We knew the code to get into the sanctuary since we were helping run the childerens ministries. Needless to say we didn’t end up sleeping. We had some marital time in the church we got married married in.

  11. In a car at the park during a rainy day. Kinda eyeballing the van inside the garage. The kids complain about the noise.

  12. The moonlit beach was amazing….until the next day discovering some kind of bites ALL OVER! It took me at least a week to recover. But it was worth it! 😀

  13. Okay, I have a friend and she and her boyfriend actually had sex — actual intercourse — while driving (on the interstate, nonetheless).

    Obviously, they were committing sin by having sex while not married, but I still am baffled by how they actually were able to have sex in what I can only assume is a very dangerous scenario. Maybe it was a vacant interstate, but still… sounds risky… for all kinds of reasons!

    1. I’d hate to be the trucker that drove by the couple that day. How could you keep your eyes on the road and drive safely when you look down from your cab and see THAT?!! Good heavens. That’s a bit much in my book, Julie.

  14. Anywhere in the water. the push-pull of the water slows you down and can be pushed places where it is not wanted at that time. I am not talking about the shower but in a lake or pool.

  15. Just after our honeymoon we were traveling in a van late at night in the rain and there was road construction or an accident I don’t remember which, but it was stop and go traffic(mostly stop). Anyway it wasn’t long before my new bride had a great idea and crawled onto my lap! It was great fun, at the time we laughed about it and we still do. Also, Not highly recommended for pleasure but the most unusual place we ever had sex probably was while scuba diving. We are always open to new places to enjoy making memories together. We have a list of places to try, waiting for the opportunity. Just want to be very careful to guard your sacred trust and keep it private.

    1. I’ve managed to successfully (and privately) remove pantyhose in a traffic jam, but having sex? Kudos. 🙂

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  17. My husband and I tried several times to get the whole sex-in-the-shower-is-so-sexy feeling, but it just didn’t happen. It took multiple times and many adjustments to finally get it. I still dream about making love in a field, but it’s not that big of deal if we don’t.

  18. I have always had 4×4 trucks, kind of a guy thing for me to have a truck, a very useful vehicle. The truck has always been a great tool for finding interesting places to make love with my wife.

    We found the Drive-In not to difficult of a place to have fun in the truck. Usually we would just wait until the 2nd movie to have our fun under the blankets. Never had anyone bother us and we kind of wondered if the other trucks there where also having a fun.

    One time we four-wheeled up into the hills and found a great spot under the stars. That night we fell asleep afterward only to be woken up early in the morning by the cows mooing. One cow was looking over our clothing that was hanging over the edge of the truck bed. We thought she might start chewing on them so we grabbed them and then wheeled out of there.

    Now a days we are with two boys (8,10) and full time jobs it seems easier just to get the kids asleep and then head to the bedroom. Sure do miss the younger more adventurous days though…

  19. My husband and i have used the table many times. And dresser bathroom counter. Its not always comfy but its always been awesome and the tenderness i feel in my back and rump the next, totally worth it 🙂

  20. This was hilarious!! Loved it!! I have not done it in a shower (unmarried and waiting), but I’ve been told it isn’t as easy or slip-free as they make it seem in the movies…and while sometimes worth it, it also sometimes has been described to me as something you want to do once…and then never want to do again (especially after all the bruises!). Could be wrong, guess I’ll find out some day!

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