Do you remember being in high school and wondering if that guy across the room liked you? Or whether your teenage crush would ask you to dance at the school-sponsored ball? Or whether the date you had that young-love crush on would plant his lips on yours when you stood on the porch to say goodbye?
Remember the tingle of anticipation, the anxiety, the fear of rejection, the elation when your questions were answered with a resilient YES! YES, he does want to be with you!
Now imagine, years later, your husband working up the courage to ask if tonight is the night, if the day has gone well enough, if the chaos of family or work has faded enough, if your hormones have aligned like those fortuitous stars, such that you maybe, possibly, might could have sex.
Let’s hope he’s not that anxiety stricken. Yet, sadly, I hear stories of husbands who spend a long time in their head trying to decide whether to make a move on their wife. Some husbands even talk themselves out of even giving it a go because they’ve been rejected so many times; the likelihood of being turned down again makes their courage wilt like month-old roses.
The truth is that many husbands — and not a few wives — are living with the same anxiety they felt in high school or college on a date with a lesser-known person and wondering how it will go. They haven’t any idea whether their “date” tonight is a “sure thing,” despite years of living under a marriage vow.
Be your husband’s “sure thing.”
I’m not saying that you must answer yes every time he gets a gurgle in his groin, but I am saying that your spouse shouldn’t expect no because he has experienced it so many times before. He should have confidence that you sexually desire him, that your yeses will outnumber your nos, that it’s worth it to lean in and try.
Sheila Gregoire recently addressed with great wisdom what the Bible meant when it says, “Do not deprive each other.” The full passage from 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 is below:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
The Bible does not say that either of you can demand sex any time, and the other must comply. Some have sadly used the above scripture to convince their spouse or themselves of just that. Instead, we are admonished to be each others’ “sure thing” — to not deprive your spouse such that he wonders when or if he’ll get your sexual needs and desires met.
Rejection hurts. Pure and simple.
You may remember that anxiety when you were dating of whether things would work out and your elation when they did. But remember when they didn’t? Remember when he didn’t ask you out, didn’t kiss you, explained that he just wasn’t that into you?
Do you want to make your husband feel like that? No.
Be your husband’s “sure thing.”
It feels entirely different to know that you and your desires are accepted within the confines of marriage. There is a deep warmth that comes from knowing that your spouse is your “sure thing” — the one who will talk with you when you need conversation, who will embrace you when you need to be held, who will make love when you need to feel that one-flesh physical connection.
Start tonight. Invite him to make advances and let him know that he will not be turned down. Advance on him yourself and enjoy your “sure thing.” Be there for each other and create the kind of atmosphere that communicates that you value each other in many ways — including the sexual.
Be your husband’s “sure thing.”
Or maybe his “wild thing.” Your call.
57 thoughts on “Be Your Husband’s “Sure Thing””
I was a little confused by Sheila’s article the other day and couldn’t figure out how to make it right in my head. It’s a subtle difference in wording between demanding and complying sex and “being a sure thing” for your husband. Subtle but very, very important when it comes to sex. Demanding and complying versus “do not deprive” changes the entire relationship dynamic to one of voluntarily serving and pleasing instead of resentfully complying. Kind of like how Christ asks us to follow Him; He doesn’t demand we love Him, He lets it be our choice which makes it so much more loving and better.
Not related, but I have a question/problem. Most of the time, my husband and I have sex with the lights off. It doesn’t really matter to me either way, although I do like candle light sometimes. The part that does bother me is the fact that, with the lights off, my husband can’t see me at all, and that doesn’t seem to bother him. I’m 25 and we’ve only been married a year. Sure, I am full of insecurities about my body, but I attempt to focus on the fact that he’s seeing all the stuff he likes rather than focusing on the imperfect parts, so I really don’t think I am giving off an insecure attitude when we do have sex with the lights on. I’ve asked him why we never have the lights on, and he just says stuff like “I like the lights off”, although once he halfway hinted that it might be something to do with body insecurities of his own. I can tell myself all day that he likes looking at my body, and remind myself of all the times he “accidentally” walks in on me changing or checks me out in the shower, but nothing changes the fact that he definitely can’t be too anxious to see my body if we ALWAYS have the lights off. The times we do have a light on and he looks at my body during sex make me feel beautiful and sexy and wonderful and secure. Am I crazy for feeling worried that he doesn’t care to see me during sex? I know he loves me, I know he enjoys looking at my body at other times, he tells me I’m beautiful and sexy…but I just have a REALLY hard time believing that he really likes looking at me, since he makes very little effort in the bedroom.
I’d be suspicious too–not that there is something wrong with you, but that some issue from his past is intruding on his ability to delight in being naked together. This is sensitive stuff, so try to talk about it…but not in the bedroom and not around the time you’re having sex. See if you can ask about it away from home even–on a date. Make it a curiosity conversation rather than a “we need to talk” discussion (you know, the kind that makes guys sweat). You might explain how you desire to gaze at his body too. Best wishes!
I couldn’t help but notice that you never mentioned being interested in seeing his body and you did mention that he might have insecurities of his own. There are two sides to this seeing each other and you only mention one.
Do you like seeing him naked? Does it give you pleasure? I don’t speak for all men but it makes me feel really good knowing my wife likes looking at me, even though I’m just under 50 years old. If you show no interest in his body and he’s already insecure about it, that could explain why he really needs the lights off.
If we make sex a gift of/from God that we can share with our husband, something that is fantastic that no other can do for each other, we will be his Sure Thing, his Wild Thing, his Always Thing ~ that he can’t wait to Get Home To Thing.
Love it, Cindy!
As I look back at how my husband suffered because of my wrong thinking and misguided views, I see the boy waiting to be turned down without a thought to what it feels like and what it means to a man. Women can be horrid creatures, full of overblown ideals, self-reliant “wisdom” and a whole lot of “holier than thou.”
Millions of women, and I don’t believe I exaggerate, with what I see in society, can learn from this. While a wife might claim that her husband isn’t the same as he was when she married him, neither is she! Thank God for that, for many reasons. However, marriage relationship-wise, women have a lot to learn.
Terrific angle on this one!
To be fair, both men and women can be horrid, but the specific problem of holding out sexually seems to be an issue for more wives than husbands.
I’m not married yet, but (seeing as it’s November now) I’m getting married NEXT MONTH! And I’ve done a lot of thinking about this kind of stuff, and I want to be able to say yes as often as possible. However, I started birth control about 4 months ago when we got engaged, and I’ve changed brands several times, and it’s still leaving me bleeding almost all the time. I’m really worried I’m going to be bleeding for our wedding and our entire honeymoon (which is entirely possible), since I’ve been bleeding 10-20 days every cycle. I’m not sure what to do about this. Any thoughts?
Congrats on your upcoming wedding! 🙂 That’s exciting!
I would encourage you to look into why the birth control is causing you to bleed, and what alternatives you have. BC pills are hormones, and many people (myself included) are pretty wary of messing with their hormones. As gently as I can, I encourage you to look into whether or not BC pills are the best choice for your body and your future marriage.
Blessings as you start on your marriage journey!
I’m not much into birth control, but I find it alarming that it is causing you to bleed. Have you been to a doctor? At the risk of sounding preachy here, birth control is not natural to the body. When I was younger some of my colleagues used the IUD and one of them almost bled to death. Controlling or regulating the birth of children is not what God intended us to do so it has repercussions and some people cannot use it without serious side effects. Perhaps you could explore some natural methods of family planning. Nothing is 100% effective but the Billings Method has the added advantage of teaching a couple continence and respect for each other as well as helping the woman to understand and know her body better. I wish you luck and felicitations on your upcoming nuptials. May God bless you both.
Keep good communication with your GYN who can help you figure out why this is happening. Also there are several other methods you can use after you’re married that will prevent pregnancy until you can work out the problems with your current method which sounds like a hormonal issue (the pill?) Best of luck. Don’t fret. It will work out fine 🙂
My birth control has always worked great for me – my sex drive has always been high, only once in ten years have I had breakthrough bleeding, and it balances out my hormones and gets rid of my PMDD – but my sister had the same problem you did (excessive bleeding), and it turned out she can’t take hormonal birth control at all because her body doesn’t metabolize it correctly. In eight years she’s gotten pregnant four times, because her body didn’t metabolize the hormones correctly, and I haven’t gotten pregnant a single time in ten years (Thank GOD!). That might be what’s going on. I would ask your doctor about it. If you’re having problems, you might need to try other forms of birth control, such as spermicide, or natural family planning.
I, also, would encourage you to reconsider using birth control. Why not let God plan parenthood? You may be surprised at the relief and joy it brings to just put that one in His hands.
You’ve gotten good advice for the long term. My advice in the short term, before this Bc issue is resolved, is to talk to your husband-to-be about expectations for wedding night and honeymoon. I don’t know what you are expecting, but it may be a good idea to talk over the possibility of waiting to have sex until you’re in a healthier state. I do NOT mean assuming sex won’t happen. I only suggest discussing the possibility. That way, if it does turn out that sex will have to wait, you two will already have an alternative plan in mind. There is plenty to enjoy even if you can’t have intercourse! I hope I came across clearly…
You’ve already gotten a lot of advice here! Here’s my take: I don’t think family planning is a problem, but not all birth control methods are created equally. The typical situation for a bride is to go into her doctor and be prescribed birth control pills; that’s just the norm these days. However, there are many other options. So if oral contraceptives are not working for you, consider something else. Personally, I had issues with the pill and ended up on the diaphragm (w/spermicide), which I LOVED. Research options for yourself and find out how they work. One of the issues some Christians have with birth control methods, or at least certain ones, is that some may not prevent fertilization but rather implantation. Do your research, talk to your doctor, maybe find out what friends have successfully used, then make a decision. You can always try something else if you don’t like it.
By the way, if you are interested in family planning, Engaged Marriage and To Love, Honor and Vacuum blogs have written about this. I didn’t choose that route, but I know some who liked it.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! Blessings to you and your fiance. And breathe easy about the honeymoon: It’s a time to get to know one another more intimately, but it doesn’t have to go perfectly. Your sex life should grow within your marriage.
I’m not sure what could be causing the bleeding you are experiencing, but definitely talk with your doctor. As stated above, it could be your body cannot handle the pill you are on and since there are many to choose from your doctor could help you find one that works better and does not cause bleeding. Or you may need to use a different type of birth control, if that is why you are on it in the first place.
One thing I noticed in the replies is the assumption she is on birth control to prevent pregnancy, which could be, but there is the possibility she needs something because of a physical/hormonal issue. And many times taking the pill, even a very lose dose form, can help to regulate hormones if needed.
I personally believe in trying natural alternatives such as herbs first, but I can speak from experience of needing something to help me through changes happening in my body (I’m 47) that were causing me to be in so much pain and discomfort each month for almost a week, and herbal remedies were not working. But a low-dose birth control pill allows me to be pain-free.
Everyone has their opinion on birth control and whether a Christian should be using it at all, but please be a little more compassionate towards those that choose it whether for preventing pregnancy or other issues.
Maybe I am reading some of these replies incorrectly, but I feel like there is a lot of pressure on annareighandrauren to not be on birth control at all, but to just let it go and happen as it does. While that is fine for some, I do not think she should feel pressured to follow the same path as others. She has chosen to be on BC for a reason. And while finding the right BC can be a task sometimes (it was for me too!), I do not think that it means that she does not need to be on it at all.
Im not trying to sound rude toward any other comments, I just want to make sure that she doesn’t feel “wrong” for choosing birth control. Just as no one else is wrong if they choose natural family planning.
I can feel for you though, annareighandrauren. I couldnt handle the pill because I was constantly sick, I had the Implanon and had constant heavy periods (but dealt with it for 3 years), and now have an IUD which still has its own side effects, but they are significantly less. Like everyone said, BC is hormones, so it does cause some changes to your body. But that might be something you should discuss with your future hubby. I know I have to explain to my husband what’s going on with mine because of the BC just so he understands where I am coming from.
Talk to you gyno about how to time it so you are not on your period for your wedding also. I know that’s possible, you just might have to find the right form of BC. At the very least, you can always have period sex! I know that might make you cringe (some people are not fans), but my point is, just dont let this feel like it has to put a huge damper on your wedding or your honeymoon. It’s the start to something beautiful and you should just enjoy yourselves 🙂 Ill be praying for you!
How far do you have to reach in to put a diaphragm in place? I honestly don’t know if birth control pills are right for me, but I do know that it’s a lot easier for me to wrap my mind around taking a pill than sticking something up my hoo-ha. My fiance is fine with whatever, and he’s suggested just using condoms, but I really don’t like that idea either. I don’t know. I’m googling diaphragms now, I just don’t know if I can mentally handle sticking it that far in.
Okay, getting super-specific here…
The diaphragm is a rubber cap that forms a barrier over the cervix. To get it in place, you fold the diaphragm in half, tilt it to go in lengthwise, and then push like inserting a tampon. Once you get it into the vagina, the diaphragm opens up like an umbrella and pops into place. (It does feel a little weird the first time. I remember thinking, “That’s it? Is it in?”)
You don’t put your fingers all the way to the cervix; the diaphragm eventually slides and finds the right fit because of the shape of your parts there and the shape of the diaphragm. Also, your doctor can help you put it in the first couple of times to test.
I liked the diaphragm. But I am not saying it’s the right method for you. It may be. It may not be. Just check out the options! Find out how each works and whether you might be open to that. Then talk to your doctor. Best wishes…once again!
And good for fiance…being there for you. 🙂
Talk to your doctor about the Nuva ring. Rather than sending a hight dose of hormones through ur entire system, it sends a low dose through the uterus it’s self.
There is nothing wrong with family planning. As I see it, if God wants u pregnant, ur not going to be able to prevent it anyway. He will move you and your husband’s heart when the time is right. Until, do what u both feel is right for your family.
mind-full…..men can learn from this also…..lets turn the tables here for a minute….lets say his wife is pretty much always his “sure thing”, but when she tries to be the one making advances first, she usually gets rejected because he is watching tv, or texting on his phone, or it just wasnt HIS idea. And 99 percent of the time when she is his “sure thing” its selfish one sided sex on his part, yet she still doesnt turn him down and still occasionally tries to make advances. Tell me what this does to a womans sense of just being a woman….of feeling wanted, etc. This woman also does convey to her husband her feelings of rejection and her hurt from him not bringing her pleasure also. Is it no wonder this woman is starting to not desire sex anymore…that soon this sure thing will be a NO GO…this fulfilling of the marital duty works both ways!!
Yes, absolutely true. I generally aim my posts at wives, though. I have written about marriages where the wife is the higher drive spouse, and that rejection hurts as well.
Thank you for your acknowledgement. When a wife is continually rejected it hurts just as much and maybe even more so because we’re in the minority regarding this issue. However, women are left with the same physical frustrations, self esteem issues, and sadly the same temptations to deal with as men. The greatest difference is finding someone to discuss this with. If you bring this up to your friends they either make a joke about it or look at you as if you’re some sort of freak. It hurts.
I am the wife that you write about. Not sure where to go/turn either.
Posts like this make me feel convicted, but at the same time, I can’t continue to put myself out there…
Posts like this are great (for those in healthy marriages)
Maybe God is speaking to me. I’ve heard from at least 3 wives this last week who are struggling with an unwilling husband. Yes, that is particularly painful! Especially because if you speak up and say that your husband isn’t pursuing you, some friend will likely say something like, “How nice for you.” It is NOT nice for you. It is NEVER NICE to be continually rejected in that way by your spouse. I am praying for your marriages–that your husbands will become more receptive and understanding and that you can hang in there. I will be addressing this issue more soon.
will be watching for that! i am the anonymous who wrote the first post in this part….it is not a matter of higher sex drive as you assumed in my case. I do “get it” as someone posted in later posts…but its extremely hard to continue that mind set with no affection or intimacy. Maybe its the fact we are trying to recover from affairs(his) and a 1 yr separation. add this in the equation knowing he was intimate and affectionate towards others.
Sorry for assuming. Yes indeed, those issues complicate the whole situation. Because women typically need to trust their partner. We are in a very vulnerable place during sex, so it’s a challenge to feel willing when a tough sexual past hovers over the two of you. Praying for your situation, Anon.
It’s important to note here that becoming his sure thing takes time, effort and sacrifice for some women. The time, effort and sacrifice become an offering to not only your spouse but ultimately to God. My personal experience also proves to me the personal benefits it provides for me.
Great point, Megan. Ultimately, God is involved in all of this. We have to shed our selfishness and take the attitude of Christ with our spouse.
For years I was rejected regularly by my wife. I changed my attitude with God’s help and we now do it about twice a week. Recently we had health enforced abstinence for over 3 weeks and then did it on two successive days, it was exciting and wonderful. Even so it always happens only when my wife wants it, I never say no. Last night I asked her if she enjoyed sex or did it merely out of duty, she told me she loved our sexual unions. With an extra hour of sleep tonight I plucked up courage to ask her if we could make love tonight since we had been unable to for so long. She replied that I should not be asking, so whether or not it happens I don’t know. I really try to consider her needs before my own but I do have needs myself. She is the only woman in the world with whom I can be intimate and she the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Ladies is it really wrong for a husband, just occasionally, to ask his wife to make love?
I know personally I do not like being asked. I am supposed to be available for my husband and visa versa. If he is asking it means I am not making myself available. Now however if I have a reason that I am not available I try to make that known as well. I would much rather him approach me with actions rather than words.
Here’s a crazy idea: See if your wife is willing to schedule your sexual unions. Maybe just once a week to start. You can turn the whole thing into a date night as well if you want–with romance and quality time together, ending on the high note of sexual intimacy. But sometimes if a wife knows it’s going to happen on a certain day, she can prepare mentally for it. And if you know it’s going to happen on a certain day, then you can relax about asking.
Now, of course, this is dependent on both of you being willing to follow through. No “yes I said we could, but I don’t want to now.” But this has worked for some couples, so I’m throwing it out there just in case.
I think it depends on the woman. My wife is “available” during a 24 hour window at a specific time during her cycle … other than that, the thought of sex never crosses her mind. She tells me I have to ask her for sex if I want it. Personally, I hate having to ask because it makes it seem to me as if the sex is her doing me a favor.
The idea of scheduling has come up also, but I am hesitant to because in 9 out of 10 times we have scheduled in the past there has been no follow-through, and I am afraid of setting myself up for disappointment.
I wouldn’t say it’s wrong for a husband to ask his wife. It might be a long shot if she is sick, in pain or really tired. On the other hand. My best marriage advice given to me the day before my wedding was: never be too tired for sex; because it’s not that you’re too tired, it’s just that you’re not in the mood, and once you start, you’ll get in the mood. (Given to me by a wife of 6 years, mother of 3, 5 and under)
Really? You’re never too tired for sex? Because I had a colicky kid, and there were nights I would have bargained to become a nun if my baby would just settle down and go to sleep. LOL.
I do think it’s good advice to jump in there anyway! 9 times out of 10, you’ll be glad you did. Thanks!
It’s not just about the pain of rejection. I’m a husband who decided very early in marriage that I never wanted my wife to feel pressured to do anything she didn’t want to do sexually. Because she hates to talk about sex, the only way I could find out what she liked was to try different things and see her reaction. Over the years, I have learned that her sexual comfort zone is extremely narrow in terms of timing, place, and activities. She knows my desires are stronger and my interests broader, but I’ve decided to come to her level rather than make her feel guilty for not coming to mine. However, a funny thing happened along the way. In my attempt to come to her level of desire, I basically stopped initiating sex and waited for her to express an interest. Over time, she began to complain that she didn’t feel desired because I wasn’t initiating. So, I thought I’d throw caution to the wind and pursue her whenever I desired her. After four straight days of husband-led and wonderful sex, she said she felt that I only loved her for her body. Oh, the female sex drive; I’ll never understand it.
We gals are a confusing conundrum, aren’t we? I suggest you come clean with her about all of this–not in the bedroom, though! Find a neutral place to talk and bring up your desire to have an intimate connection with her through sexuality. A caveat for all husbands: Do NOT talk about “needing sex” or “needing release”; talk about how you feel when you connect with her in that special way and how that feeling relates to love. Ask how often she would like to make love and in what ways she wants to be approached (likely there is more than one way b/c, yeah, we’re not that easy). See if you can talk about your desires and find something that works for you both. That’s my suggestion. Blessings!
seems like 90% of the burden is on the man. He has to do all these things to woo her, show her she is safe, comforted, cherished and needed non-sexually and then, maybe, just maybe she’ll give in.
It has become a freaking game and many men just give up. Why bother. Constant “no’s” and all these hoops I have to jump through and eventually, you’d rather just watch a football game.
Guess what ladies, it also leads to seperation emotionally. Yes, we men have our responsibilities in sex but so do you. You cannot heap it all on the men and give him a 17 point check list to get in the door. Your man needs regular sexual contact. Sorry gals but that is just the way God made us.
We’ll do our part but you’ve got to do yours
I hear this all too often from husbands. My point was that you guys really don’t want your wives to “give in,” but rather to “get it.” Right? Yes, a husband should try to make his wife feel safe, comforted, cherished, etc., but a wife should also try to make her husband feel important, desired, and potent.
yes!!! I want her to “get it”. For the lightbulb to go on – to realize, there is nothing wrong with sex, that it isn’t a burden or a chore but that it is God’s design and that it can be incredible on a frequent basis in a Godly marriage. And yes, to “get it” that shutting this part of marriage down is playing with fire and really, quite selfish. You cannot castrate a man, drag him to yard sales, shopping and scrapbooking conferences, have him in the kitchen cooking with you and say “no” to sex and expect a man to become a woman who “gets you” like your girlfriends do. A man is a man. He needs to be a man and to be valued as a man and he needs his wife to be turned on by his masculinity. If you do down the other path, resentment is being breeded. Intimacy will gradually fade away and you’ll be lucky to keep your marriage in tact. I’ve often wondered what my wife would feel about sex if I were suddenly incapacitated and no longer able to have sex. I wonder if I was gone if she’d look back and say “oh if I only had him here”. As a husband, I try to think this way too – to never take her for granted to try to be her best friend and greatest supporter and to try to avoid making her feel guilty over sex. If she were gone, I’d feel mighty ashamed for my selfishness and I’d give anything to get her back. We all need to be REAL careful with this. Sex is great and both women and men need to work really hard to make it a priority and to cherish every moment we have. Ladies, when your husband comes home tonight, whisper in his ear “you’re getting lucky tonight, I can’t wait to jump your bones” and even if you can have intercourse, love your man, love his body, give him pleasure. But self aside….give. Teach your man this and he’ll return the favor.
Man cannot win for losing. One lady said to never verbally ask but rather ask with actions. So I am to love her, cuddle her non sexually, listen to her, make her feel safe and secure and not ask her nor pressure her and essentially after doing all that, it appears it is totally up to her and in my wife’s case, sex is a chore and so even after doing all this, we rarely have sex and then when we do, she thinks that satiates me and I won’t need it again for 4-5 weeks. So I kill my desire and vow to never ask for sex again and then she says “you don’t pursue me.”. No kidding I won’t. After being told no hundreds of times, you kind of never want to ask again and yet you ladies expect us to keep pursuing you. That is a model that will not work. A formula destined for failure. I am sick of trying, sick of the rejection, sick of the “game” that is sex. I am better off with out it. I am saved. My salvation is far bigger than stupid sex. My eternity will not be defined by my sex life with my wife. It is very sad because this isn’t Gods design but it is what it is. This is pretty much how it has been for 20 plus years and I am just now waking up to the fact that this won’t change. She says she hates it when we are distant and disconnected but she continues to say “no”. Sometimes words speak louder than actions.
4-5 weeks in between?! Your wife doesn’t seem to get how the typical male sex drive works. She is not understanding how the male body and the male brain have been designed by God. She needs some good information–preferably from another female.
I wonder if she would read a book or even a quick post. Here’s a good one from Homeword with Jim Burns based on an interview with Shaunti Feldhan, who wrote FOR WOMEN ONLY: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INNER LIVES OF MEN: [original link is dead; alternate – https://www1.cbn.com/marriage/10-things-guys-wish-women-knew-about-men%5D.
yes, 4-5 weeks and at times that also means no other forms of “release” during that window either. We’ve had sex one time since July. She’s a strong believer as I am. I’ve given her a book or two on the topic from a woman’s point of view and she has laughed and said “why do you do this, you know I won’t read it”. I’ve bought nice clean games to fool around with and we’ve never played them and she’s never mentioned them. I’ve bought her classy, classy night gowns and she won’t wear them. She has health issues and that is a HUGE part of the problem and it prevents intercourse at times. But there are multiple other ways to love on each other without flow blown sex. She just has a huge disconnect. It isn’t important to her and so, therefore, it must not be important to me. She will promise me that she’ll take care of me later (if the kids are out of the house, I’ll ask, she’ll say no and then promise it later) and the later rarely happens. We’ll go away for a weekend and the setting is right and I’ll ask and she’ll say “no”. And she takes it a step further and says “You know I can’t have sex (either period or stomach) so what do you want me to do?” So I either have to ask for intimacy in another way or just give up and now I’ve resigned myself to giving up. It is humiliating to have to ask my wife for a hand job or oral sex. 20+ years should tell her I want this more than once a month and yet, she persists in making me ask for it. And when I do, I feel cheap and I know she does too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife. I’ve never been unfaithful to her in any way and I never will. She is beautiful and no matter how many times I tell her this, she never believes it. We have beautiful, healthy, great kids and a wonderful home. Life is good and I vowed “for better or worse” and I meant that vow and keep it.
I share all this with you and responded to this post so other women reading this would understand how the husbands feel. It is exactly what Shaunti Feldhan interview says – Christian husbands need to feel desired by their wives. That’s a God-given need ladies. You can call it horny or call it testostorone but the drive is there for a reason. God installed it. You man desires you and he really does desire you to desire him. Constant rejection, constantly feeling like a pest, conversations with friends about “I guess I have to have sex with him tonight” or “that’s all he ever thinks about”…DO NOT HELP. They drive a wedge. They make your husband feel like something is wrong with him. There is nothing wrong with a man desiring his wife sexually and ladies, you need to be celebrating and encouraging this rather than complaining about it.
I am the other poster you were referring to. I do prefer him to use actions rather than words. He is not a child and I’m not giving permission to him. That is why it frustrates me when he asks. I make myself knowingly available (if walking around naked isn’t available I’d like to know how else to make it obvious) and get little attention if any at all. Then when we go to bed ‘could we have sex please?’ Like he needs to borrow my pencil or something. I don’t refuse him unless I am on my cycle and then I help him. I am the higher drive spouse and am going nuts over here. I wish he would approach me with actions more. Instead I feel like a whore walking the streets (strutting around naked) just to get a little attention. I have to be overly obvious to get anything. ‘Oh my naked wife is in my lap she must want attention’ it really makes me feel great (sarcasm). Not trying to negate your response just trying to clarify my own.
Just following up to the husband who’s only been intimate once with his wife since July. I just have to ask, how are the other areas of your relationship? Do you enjoy your time together? Are you affectionate? Do you feel respected by her? Do you feel heard when you raise other concerns? Of course, also the reverse. When she raises concerns, do you listen and address them? Do you enjoy just chatting and spending time together? Does your wife feel loved? Sheila Wray Gregoire has said, a few times, that a woman needs to feel loved to make love while a man needs to make love to feel loved. Obviously that can be quite a simplification but with all the blogs and articles I’ve read on this, a lack of sex is often an indication of other issues in the relationship that need addressing. Of course, I’m an outsider and don’t know all the particulars of your story.
The other areas are good. Most days I come home from work and we’ll sit and talk for 30-45 minutes and for the most part, this is me listening to her which is fine. She calls me her safe place, her rock and her best friend. Usually we are talking about her struggles with raising teenage daughters. I am happen to listen. She cooks dinner every night and I clean up. Her friends tell her they can look at us and tell that I adore her. She affirms me in this. So everything in this area seems fine. I don’t play golf. I work reasonable hours. I do all the yard work (so I am home most every weekend day). I’m engaged in our kid’s lives and she is a great mother. Everything seems good. It’s just the sex and she has contributing factors which I am OK with. But she has also adopted a “I don’t won’t it so he must not either” approach and I think many Christian women fall into this trap. Be careful with this approach ladies.
Sorry to say so, but what you wrote above makes your relationship appear one-sided. You don’t mention affection or anything at all that she does specifically for you. When does she listen to you? When does she do something specific for you? When do you get affirmed, recharged and looked after? If she really considers you to be her best friend why doesn’t she at least listen to you and look after you? Also her casual dismissal of the books you suggested is rather troubling. I don’t get any sense that you matter to her beyond what you provide her. I say this as someone who has been in a one-sided relationship where I was her best friend. She needed me, but paradoxically, said I didn’t do anything for her and most of what I got from her was emotional and verbal abuse and – sometimes physical abuse.
Sorry. I don’t mean to be offensive or make you upset.
Different Anonymous here.
Just as we men don’t understand women, I think it is truly difficult for many wives to truly grasp how emotionally important sex is for men. My wife’s post-menopausal libido is in the dump, and she’s okay with that. She she loves me dearly and tells me several times every day in many ways. When I explain to her that I get more emotional fulfillment from her orgasm than from mine, she gives me a deer in the headlights look. She honestly doesn’t understand why a bi-weekly hand job isn’t fulfilling for me. Since she’s willing to “take care” of me, she doesn’t understand why I keep wanting her to have an orgasm that she has no interest in pursuing. Since she loves me without desiring sex, she cannot understand why I link her love and desire so closely. It’s nobody’s fault, and I cannot allow myself to become resentful because of what her emotions cannot grasp.
The comment before “different anonymous” did not help me – your’s did. Your situation sounds just like mine although we are pre-menopausal. She’s on medication that I believe really alters her system. She has no sex drive and really hasn’t for 15+ years. Sex just isn’t a priority to her. We will have sex after none for 4-5 weeks and then I will approach her a few nights later and she will always say, “you just got it”. She doesn’t understand how a starving man can eat and then dare to want to eat again!
She loves me dearly and I, like you, love giving her orgasms. NOTHING draws me closer to her than this gift only I can bring her. And yet, she says she can live without it. I’ve never understood it. When we do go “all the way”, she loves it, she comments while we’re doing it how great it feels but then there is like this disconnect… of OK the sex was great but that’ll do us for 5-6 weeks, I don’t need it again. I just don’t understand it. Never have. It’s great. We’re together loving on each other and it is we are “one and done” for months. She says almost everytime I am doing this to her, “I don’t know why you enjoy doing that to me” and I always say “because I love giving you this pleasure”. But the point is, she doesn’t understand why I want to give her pleasure. By inference, I start to believe she sure doesn’t enjoy giving me pleasure. Pleasuring me seems like an obligation to her…not joy. I’m not patting myself on the back and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me feeling this but I LOVE pleasuring my wife. Love it.
But after the “one and done”, time goes by and we withdraw emotionally. The longer we go, the more distant I become. She knows I am withdrawing, knows we “need” to have sex but resents that I need sex to feel close. No matter how hard I try, I resent the lack of interest, lack of passion, lack of sex-drive. I usually get the 1-2x a month hand job too but I usually have to ask for it. And, like you, that doesn’t fulfill me. Oral sex is much more intimate but that is even rarer. She doesn’t enjoy giving me that but she’ll do it occassionally.
It is all very frustrating but your comments help me because I realize it isn’t just me. I am giving up part of this because while I make it a priority, she simply won’t. She won’t communicate about it. She never initiates a conversation about it because she will feel like a failure and doesn’t want to go there. So sex is just dying a slow death in our marriage.
If I go to the commentary above yours of seeing this as her being selfish and one-sided, I will rapidly get resentful. Right now, today, I am begging the Lord to break any desire I have to get resentful and to let this go. Sex is just sex and I can live without it. My salvation is not dependent on a fulfilling, wholesome, powerful sex life with my wife. She has decided it isn’t important and you know, there just isn’t much I can do about it. If I constantly bring it up, I just drive a wedge and make her feel guilty.
Bottom line – I need it, desire it, want it. She doesn’t. It is a great divide that we must battle each and every day for “better or worse, in sickness and in health.” I am called to love her and fight for her and support her and yes, to die to self. Only by the Grace of God…
Different Anonymous again.
Yes, our situations are nearly identical, but no, our wives are not being selfish. If we put ourselves in their shoes, their thinking makes some sense. “If you love me you’ll give me what I want…I don’t want an orgasm…why would you want to give me something I don’t want?” Again, they can’t begin to imagine how their orgasms affect us emotionally.
For years I have complained about my wife’s back-seat driving (my “small thing”) But, from her standpoint, she’s trying to lovingly help me. She says that, when I refuse her help, she feels unloved and not a part of our marriage. I don’t understand her need to give me something I don’t want (help driving), just like she doesn’t understand my need to give her something she doesn’t want (an orgasm).
Boy, I’m following up a lot here.
This is for the lady with the higher drive that prefers actions. Yes, you’d like him to initiate in a way you like. I get that. As the higher drive spouse myself, I’m quite familiar with always/mostly being the spouse who initiates and wondering if my wife even desires me or is only being intimate as a favour.
We discussed it from time to time and finally she initiates frequently with plenty of enthusiasm. You may have to discuss this with your man. It would be nice if we could read each other’s minds at times, but sadly, that’s not the case.
Also, consider the current social environment we’re in. Almost every university has NO MEANS NO! posters, campaigns etc to fight date rape. Perhaps he’s inhibited by such things or even something else. The key is ask, non-judgementally, how he feels and to let him know how you feel.
Since typically one spouse has a higher drive than the other, there’s a need for compromise where everybody gets at least what they need and hopefully enough to make them really happy. It’s really sad when the lower drive spouse greatly curtails supply simply because they can and don’t seem to care about their partner’s needs.
I’m sorry. I did not intend to offend. I must have mis-understood you. I see you really serving her in various ways even though you’re hurting.
My wife really needs affection, hugs, spooning in bed before we sleep, holding hands etc. I don’t. I certainly enjoy it but I can live without it. I do not deny her and, hopefully, meet her affection needs and then some. If she doesn’t get affection, it really impacts her, so I don’t let that happen. Do I understand it? No. I don’t need to. She has a need that I can easily meet that I enjoy, so I do. Not much more we can say here, I think. May God give you grace and strength.
Can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this post! Seriously. You are that good! I know you aren’t looking for the accolades, but hey… I’m just saying… I love this post.
Wonderful post! I came over from your post about should wives initiate.
I am now my husband’s “sure thing” after not being much of anything for years and years. He now has me whenever he wants me and I take full advantage of his willingness to be my “sure thing”, too! It’s life-changing to a marriage to have this attitude!
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